A Twist of Word and Mind

I have watched with a certain degree of perplexity this tagging business in Blogsville. I have previously been tagged by Shefaly, Nita, Mahendra and Prerna, but I escaped most of the time by procrastinating. If you notice, most of them are ladies. We men are trapped in a world that is controlled by women. Publish or perish. Well, I tried and tried, but I got cornered by another one by Purnima, a delightfully candid girl whose moods fluctuate slightly according to the lunar cycle.
I decided to quash this tagging phenomenon forever. By writing one so crushingly odious and torturous that people will sputter (or is it splutter?) into their pink champagnes whenever they think of tagging me.
So, ladies and laddas, here is the ultimate tag-crusher.
No takers, mind it!!

1. Last movie you saw in a theater?
Race.

2. What book are you currently reading?
None. After my failed efforts to read the Holy Koran (seriously), The Kike Runner, The Shamesake and sundry dirty books, and after my successful entry into modern gym-toned studhood, I am more looker than booker.

3. Favorite board game?
Overboard. Especially when it comes to favorite women and favorite food.

4. Favorite magazine?
Mad.

5. Favorite smells?
Babies after their bath and powder. Food and ovulating women in heat cooking in the kitchen. Please forgive me if my pun tuation is not up to the mark here.

6. Favorite sounds?
Purnima: Baby laughter.
Me: Ditto. Babes laughing, too.

7. Worst feeling in the world?
P: Being deprived from internet and having to choose between loved ones.
Me: Being deprived of love and a clean bathroom, not necessarily in the same order, and having to choose between love and internet.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

P: I need to pee.
Me: I check my mail. Which makes me want to P.

9. Favorite fast food place?
She: Don’t really like fast food. Call me a snob!
Me: I treat food and sex in the same platform: the preparation must be fast, the consumption must be slow. And the place: anyplace that is unaffordable.

10. Future child’s name?
She: girl- Raja, Rajinder, Rukhsana.
Me: I am generally not informed by the mothers, for some reason.

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d….?”
She: Invest it. Seems logic right?
Me: Use hundred-rupee bills to freak out in vests made out of them.
Not of much better use these days with inflation and taxation taking off most of my marginal income.

12. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
She: He’s an animal alright … the stuffed part is what troubles me.
Me: Some like being staffed before being stuffed. Not me. The only stuffed animals I know are for eating, not sleeping with.

13. Storms: cool or scary?
She: If we have to believe Ella, neither. I stick with Jazzy!
Me: See, I told you she was a little, you know? I don’t even know if that was Inglees, our official language.

14. Favorite drinks?
The nectar of earned love. A drop of honest sweat (mostly my own). A chilled glass of ON. A 21 year-old, unearned single malt.

15. Finish this statement, “If I had the time I would….”?

She: Write all the novels I have dancing around in my head, cut my toenails, clean my room, answer all my emails, update my blog, tell Lallopallo one more time I adore him, save the world, solve world famine, paint my room, finish the books I still have to read, go to the barber.
Me: I would settle for the barber: it takes a lot of time to grow hair these days.

16. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
I am not sure if this is a loaded question that actually means “Do you eat the stem on Brocco Lee?”
To which my answer would be in the negative.

17. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
First, you grow the hair. If that miracle actually happens, you love any color you get.

18. Name all the different cities you have lived in?
Sin City, Perspica City, Menda City, Tena City.

19. Favorite sport to watch?
She: Chess.
He: I agree. Provided the contestants are Communist Party leaders and the audience is allowed to throw eggs at the contestants for every wrong move.

20. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?

She: What I say? They are horrible, horrible people! Horrible I tell you!
Me: She was dropped on the head when she was so little, so it’s not her fault. And she paints well, too.

21. What’s under your bed?
I believe that a bed defines a man: some have baggage with them. Mine is solid. The only thing beneath is the floor, which is a trifle slippery, though.

22. Would you like to be born as yourself again?

She: Yes, again again and again.
Me: Here I disagree. Never again will I be born thus. I would like to be reborn as an American President. That way, you don’t need to get things right all the time. People will still treat you as the last word in success and want to be reborn internally and eternally as you.

23. Favorite place to relax?
She: Beach, next to, under or on top of a loved one.
Me: I couldn’t better that answer. Mountain. As also a good city moment of success.

24. Over easy, or sunny side up?
She: Ugh I don’t even know what that means… I think it’s not good for a girl to say she’s easy let alone over easy so I stick with Sunny side up!
Me: Whether in the stock market, the bed or the kitchen, a roll-over is crucial to a successful climax. The upside is sunny, but there clearly are no downsides to getting it hot both ways. I am talking about eggs, of course, as others know.

25. Favorite pie?
Pie-in-the-sky. The American Pie.

26. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Sultry Siren, Longing Looks, Butter Lick.
There are really no flavors I know of with these names, but if there were, I would make them my favorites.

27. Of all the people you tagged this to, who’s most likely to respond first?

Let’s see: I tag Maami, Paul and Usha. And one highly deserving candidate to crush this phenomenon: Naren.
No, I don’t have any idea which of them will come fast first.

There will not be an issue of Humerus News next week.

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

According to a new survey by the Pew Social and Demographic Trends Project, more Americans would rather have more free time than money. If the economy continues slowing, their wish will be granted pretty soon. (Pedro Bartes)

The slowing U.S. economy has led to the most significant drop in illegal aliens coming in from Mexico since 9/11. Who knew that President Bush’s immigration policy revolved around starting a depression? (Jim Barach)

I was thinking about this, and I’m no political genius. I’m no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy. (David Letterman)

Jenna Bush gets married on Saturday. It’ll be a very small wedding. The president has only invited his supporters. (Alan Ray)

The U.S. government plans to help Iraq build a mega shopping complex in downtown Baghdad. Security will be a factor. It’ll bring new meaning to the phrase “shop ’til you drop.” (Alan Ray)

A new poll suggests that George W. Bush is the most unpopular president in modern American history, to what Bush said: “Number 1 baby, number 1!!!” (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush says that the $300 rebate checks from the government will finally be mailed out on Monday. Then, Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. (Conan O’Brien)

Hillary needed to win decisively in both states tonight, she didn’t do that, which means her chances to win the nomination are very slim. But will she quit? Oh, not a chance. She will stay in the race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president. (Jimmy Kimmel)

They’ve discovered a way to make a human being absolutely invisible. All you have to do is run for president as a Republican. (Patrick Gorse)

President Bush held a big Cinco de Mayo dinner celebration last night at the White House. He praised the people of Mexico who come here to do the jobs the Americans don’t want to do, as opposed to the people of India, who are doing the jobs Americans did want to do, but can’t, of course, anymore. (Jay Leno)

Indiana poll workers turned away a dozen nuns trying to vote Tuesday when they didn’t have photo IDs. They all walked out in a huff. Al Gore saw the clip and said it was just more evidence of global warming to see penguins this close to the equator. (Argus Hamilton)

Drake University has become the third college in the nation to offer a course in wind law, joining the University of Texas and the University of Oregon. It’s a prerequisite course. In order to study environmental law, you first have to pass wind. (Bob Mills)

The Yankees yesterday placed Alex Rodriguez on the disabled list. It’s actually the first time since 2000 that the third baseman has been inactive. Well, other than the playoffs. (Janice Hough)

President Bush’s popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends. (Jay Leno)

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You have heard of robotic surgery, if you have heard of You Tube, the iMac or the subprime crisis. What you may not know about is the story behind the man who devised the first (da Vinci) medical robot.
For a fascinating and short story of Frederic Moll, read this NYT article.
In the past, I had written a rather decent article on medical robots, and you could check it out here.
The capital investment of a robot for laparoscopic surgery is to the tune of $1.6 million. Not much for the rich Indian companies that run hospitals, I thought. I approached a hospital Chief Financial Officer.
“I would love it if you buy the da Vinci robot for my department. I will do great work for the hospital.”
“True, but then what about the return on investment?” the CFO asked.
“Em, arr, the procedure will cost around $1500 in disposables per case. That comes to around Rs.60,000 only. Plus all the rest of the hospital costs. Imagine how much you can make per case!”
“Great, so a gall bladder surgery will cost around one lakh-odd (around $2500), you think?”
“Yeah, ballpark!”
“Tell me, doctor, how many cases could we get in a month?”
I wonder how many Indian patients could afford to spend that kind of money for a gall bladder surgery, and keep quiet.
“I think you are getting late, doctor?”
“Sure, actually I am. I need to go to the bathroom to rub butt.”
Bottomline: if Intuitive Surgical, the maker of the da Vinci robot, are making millions, someone has to pay for their prosperity. Can we Indians do so? I don’t think so.

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

On the alleged sexual affair with country singer Mindy McCready starting when she was 15 years old: “Apparently, Roger Clemens has been playing in the minors.” (Jay Leno)

This week is the fifth year anniversary of the infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner. Oil companies are planning to celebrate with a huge party and have asked Bush to lend them the banner for the night..(Pedro Bartes)

Prince William’s image may be hurt by his recent antics with a military helicopter. A rich young man born into privilege who is destined for the throne because of his bloodlines, who is not taking his stint in the military seriously? Thank goodness that could never happen here in America. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton announced today she’ll appear on ‘The O’Reilly Factor.’ That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there’s Bill O’Reilly. (Craig Ferguson)

The first stimulus checks are being deposited in the accounts of taxpayers who were smart enough to sign up for direct deposit with the IRS. But the really smart tax payers are just having their checks deposited directly to their local gas station. (Jake Novak)

Boy, it is hard to keep up with all these crises we have in America. Remember last week, when everybody in America was obese? Remember that? This week there’s a food shortage. What happened over the weekend? Did we pig out and eat all the food? (Jay Leno)

The Automobile Club on Friday forecast record Memorial Day weekend highway travel despite gasoline prices nearing four dollars per gallon. The fact that it’s so expensive just makes it all the more exciting. This was Eliot Spitzer’s point all along. (Argus Hamilton)

Due to a worldwide fertilizer shortage, a utility company in Southwest Florida is on the forefront of developing a new environmentally friendly fertilizer: human waste. Apparently they are thinking of using all the members of Congress. (Pedro Bartes)

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TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Of course, all the presidential candidates seized on the pope’s visit. And people are speculating which presidential candidate is most like the pope. And it’s hard to say. I mean, you got John McCain, he’s the old guy. He’s closest to God. Barack Obama is the elitist. He’s holier than thou. And, of course, Hillary who is married to Bill Clinton, and who has forgiven more sin than Hillary? How do you pick one? (Jay Leno)

Al-Qaeda’s second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri blasted Palestinian terror group Hamas Tuesday for meeting with Jimmy Carter and telling him they might agree to recognize Israel. You can’t make it up. In one meeting Jimmy Carter ticked off both Al-Qaeda and the Bush administration, proving again that he can bring people together. (Argus Hamilton)

During his final statement and before receiving a 3 year sentence for tax evasion, actor Wesley Snipes said that he’s unschooled in the science of law and finance. Now President Bush is thinking of pardoning him and making him part of his administration. (Pedro Bartes)

It’s amazing how drinking is now part of this campaign. And all of the candidates have their favorite drinks now. For example, John McCain, he prefers Old Grand Dad. Barack Obama, he likes the elitist Manhattan with extra bitters. And, of course, Hillary likes a shot of Old Crow, straight up. (Jay Leno)

President Bush now has the highest disapproval rating of any president in the history of disapproval ratings, or approval ratings. 70% Of Americans disapprove of the job he’s doing. That’s even worse than Nixon, right, before he left office? So way to go, Mr. President. It goes to show you with hard work and determination, you can accomplish anything. (Jimmy Kimmel)

A study shows that New Yorkers are getting a lot fatter. Except for the New York Knicks. By firing Isiah Thomas, they just lost 200 pounds of useless weight. (Alex Kaseberg)

Starting May 5th, Continental, Delta, Northwest, United and US Air will start charging $25 each way for a second bag and $100 for a third one. The way things are, sooner or later, Airlines are going to charge you extra for the bags under your eyes, your nut sacks and your package. (Pedro Bartes)

Donald Trump was reported Wednesday to be considering O. J. Simpson’s request to appear on NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice. It’s a perfect pairing. They’re both stars, they’re both loathed by women, and they’re both famous for their cutthroat business techniques. (Argus Hamilton)

In an interview, First Lady Laura Bush, who used to be a librarian… says she cannot fall asleep without reading… As opposed to her husband, who can’t read without falling asleep. (Jay Leno)

NBC is creating a number of shows that are based around sponsors’ products. Shows to come: Boston Market Legal, The Office Depot, International “House” of Pancakes, The Tyra Bank of America Show, CSI Kentucky Fried Chicken, Dancing with the Starbucks, Sex and the City Bank and Saved by the Taco Bell. (Pedro Bartes)

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A week is a long time in politics. In a sliding stock market. In a post-operative hospital stay. And so many more things in life. It is, however, too short a time period for a honeymoon, or a holiday.
Grapevine has it that one Mallika Sherawat has planned a secret honeymoon to Sri Lanka with an Indian doctor-blogger with a name that sounded very like Rambodoc.

The couple is likely to be knee deep in carnally sinful activities, according to a spiked article in India Today’s entertainment section (that this blog is privy to).
Industry wags predict that if the couple manage to disentangle their lustful limbs, they will probably go around looking for photo opportunities of elephants scratching their pinnas with their long snouts (whatever those un-trunkated things are called), tea-pickers sneezing as tea dust allergy catches up, and Sri Lankan policemen running away from marauding and maddening Tigers. Bungee jumping, sky diving, parasailing, and other unspellable activities are supposed to have been secretly planned, if sources at the Taj Exotica are to be believed.
Such is life for the rich and the famous. But, humble and poor blogdoc that you have here, I will count myself lucky if I can catch a glimpse of the cosy twosome while I am in the island for an operation I have to do on a man called Prabhakaran. The man, don’t tell no one (professional secrecy and that kinda crap), has an extra testicle that is malignant.

To assist recovery from my deeply penetrating procedures, expect me to take care of her him for a week.
I will, therefore, miss you, dear readers…..NOT! Shall we drink to that? Do you want to get drunk on ma licker? Or do you want to share a Vat 69?

(pic source: www.radiosargam.com)

Science fiction becomes official policy.
According to this article:

Yesterday the Department of Defense announced the creation of the Armed Forces Institute of Regenerative Medicine, which will go by the happy acronym AFIRM. According to DOD’s news service, AFIRM will “harness stem cell research and technology … to reconstruct new skin, muscles and tendons, and even ears, noses and fingers.”

“Not another stem cell article”, you decry? Among the new developments in medical labs, we have watched with fascination the creation of artificial livers and other tissues. Now, this research is going to be the focus of the US Department of Defense. This could potentially re-arm the amputees of war. This could restore limb function and mobility to those whose spinal cords have got damaged in accidents and bullet injuries. Think of restored vision, too. The benefits could spill-over into civilian health care as well.

Don’t underestimate this development. This could change life for ordinary human beings in a way politicians, bombers, terrorists and environmentalists cannot. More strength and more money to AFIRM, I say!

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Pope visited President Bush in the White House. Talk about different leaders. One speaks almost no English and thinks he’s God’s emissary. The other is the head of the Catholic Church. (Alan Ray)

The U.S. is truly the land of opportunity. A black man who just finished paying off his student loans can be called “elitist.” A woman who with her husband has earned over $100 million in the past five years can call herself “middle class.” And a 71-year-old man who has earned nothing but government paychecks his entire adult life can call himself an “outsider.” (Janice Hough)

The Dalai Lama arrived in Seattle Thursday to begin a thirteen-day tour of the United States. He’ll discuss the crisis in Tibet. It was originally scheduled to be a three-day tour of the United States, but his travel agent booked him on American. (Argus Hamilton)

A New York collector bought a fifty-year-old film of Marilyn Monroe giving oral sex to a man whose face is never seen. The FBI once seized the film to try to prove the man was Jack Kennedy. It was intended as a training film for White House interns. (Argus Hamilton)

A new report from the Associated Press, says that the senior Bush administration officials met regularly in the White House to discuss and approve specific torture techniques. All the heavy hitters were there. Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell, and Ashcroft and Tenet. Everybody except Bush himself, they left him with a sitter. (Bill Maher)

Hillary Clinton clamped down on Bill Clinton’s behavior Friday and ordered him to tone down his campaign rhetoric onstage. It was historic. She publicly told her husband to keep it zipped, and for the first time in thirty years she meant his mouth. (Argus Hamilton)

Philadelphia, PA — A new law limits gun purchases to one weapon per person a month. Good idea. At that rate, it would take at least two years to equip a decent massacre. (Bob Mills)

Did you see the pope’s plane land yesterday? I think it’s called, was it “Shepherd One”? Is that the name of the pope’s plane? “Shepherd One”? And he’s also German, isn’t he? So that would make it “German Shepherd One.” (Jay Leno)

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows. (Dave Barry)

The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One. (Seth Meyers)

Harry Potter creator J. K. Rowling arrived in New York to testify in a copyright infringement lawsuit she brought against the author of a Harry Potter lexicon. Meanwhile, Pope Benedict XVI arrived in New York to begin his first visit to the US. Which raises the obvious question: what’s the difference between the pope and J. K. Rowling? Well, one has made a fortune peddling magic, fantasy and make-believe and the other is a talented children’s writer. (Bob Mills)

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Today, this blog will have its 200,000th visitor. I have been in WordPress since the end of August 2008 2007. This blog has 280 posts, of which a hundred were composed while I blogged at Blogger. Of late, the frequency of posts has dropped visibly, and the reasons for that keep changing. I still love to write something mischievous here, and even if I am writing on some serious science or medicine stuff, I am sincerely having fun and hoping to share the feeling.

To those of you who come here regularly, this is just my way of saying “thank you” to you for being patient with me, and for making this blog something I am proud of.

My wife thinks I am better off doing more surgeries than blogging. As usual, she must be right, but I will die before I admit it. Left to myself, I would happily stop operating for a living, and cook at home, go to my gym every day, and play with the kids of the neighborhood, write for journals, magazines and newspapers. And blog to my heart’s content. Alas, this is not to be. Unless I marry a rich, pectorally endowed heiress or movie star. If you want me to blog more, you just need to direct such ladies here to me.

The market, they say, can be irrational in the short term, but is rational in the long term.
In addition, a common reason for a swing in the fortunes of traders and companies on a given day, whether in a wide, walled street in New York or in a once-bombed-out but rebuilt stock exchange in the Marathis-only city of Mumbai, is a phenomenon called ‘sentiment‘.
Now, one might have wondered, why is ’sentiment’ an issue in the cut-and-dried world of shares and commodities, where only the most hardened traders survive?
The answer is now here.

According the New Scientist:

Research from the University of Cambridge suggests that the movements of money in the financial markets are correlated to stock traders’ levels of two hormones: the steroids testosterone and cortisol.

…when the traders made more money, they had elevated levels of testosterone. When the markets were particularly variable, they had elevated levels of cortisol.

As the testosterone levels increased, so did the success of the traders. Till a point.

There is a point of diminishing returns; too much testosterone leads to too much aggression and reckless decision making.

So, now we know why the stock market behaves like a woman with PMS. And why horny men end up blowing a lot of money. In stocks and stockings.