THE HUMAN BODY: VERSION 2.0

I strongly think a second edition of the human body is overdue. Let us see what all changes are necessary, so that the cloning gurus can steal these ideas and make money out of them:
1. A trunk instead of a nose. This way, people won’t be able to sink their claws in to dig out esthetically-challenged excrementary specimens and inspect them in full view of a shuddering public.
2. A skin wiper: this should be mainly fitted in the back, and can be activated by thought to move across the back, acting as a biological itcher. I propose to call this a bitcher. Any problems?
3. BS meter: there will be a red dot where Indian females normally place their bindis, and which would glow the moment someone talks of ‘right to health’, ‘social responsibility’, ‘pushing the envelope’, etcetera.
4. Women’s nails will be colored, except for the tips, which will be white, a natural French manicure. When the pulse rate exceeds 100, the nail edges will be reinforced with stainless steel blade edges or with slow poisons which are impossible to trace forensically.

5. Women’s lips will be more collagen rich and plump, and extend halfway up the distance to the chin and nose, thereby saving tons of lipstick which are needed to make lips appear more plump and sexy. To say nothing about the benefits in the anti-global warming movement.
6. Men’s organs would be not less than a foot long, to finally get rid of this fetish for size that is no less than an endemic disease. If nothing else, men will know that they are lousy in bed not because of lack of size, but lack of time. And tact. And romantic nature. Those would need version 3.0 or later. I originally wrote that “if nothing else, men will know they are lousy in bed not because they lack endowment, but because they lack downward movement“, but chopped it out. The words, I mean. Yeah, I know, this is not funny at all!
7. Sneeze filter: in the new version, the moment a sneeze springs up from the depths, a filter will bridge the lips and seal the nostrils, making the act more civilized and in consonance with noise-pollution restrictions. In these troubled times, many a sneeze is mistaken for a gunshot, and the stock market index uses it as another excuse to drop 50 points.
Especially if the sneezer is a Communist Party leader, or the Finance Minister.
8. Navel cleaner: Especially for young ladies, this would prevent the deposits of ten years of environmental pollution being recorded for posterity in the umboliths, which laparoscopic surgeons are known to clean up every morning in the Operation Room.
9. All women would have no body hair, and all men would have hairs on the head. No exceptions. Alternatively, a mutation leading to a change in the limbic system of the brain would be needed to cause bald men to look sexy, and hairy women, too.
10. All men above forty would develop mute buttons. Old farts would become, at least, silent ones.