WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-12-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

President Bush also said today that he is worried that Iraq will be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, let me tell you something. If it’s good enough for the Republican Party, it is good enough for Iraq. (Jay Leno)

A Danish study claims combining exercise and moderate drinking prolongs longevity, a study says just imagining exercising produces increased fitness and countless studies tout the heart benefits of drinking red wine. So there is my New Year’s resolution: I am going to sit around drinking red wine and think about working out. (Alex Kaseberg)

Hillary Clinton took off the gloves against Barack Obama Wednesday. Everyone’s looking forward to this match-up. It promises to be such a dogfight that Michael Vick has to vote Republican just to keep from violating the terms of his plea bargain. (Argus Hamilton)

The Labor Department reports that unemployment rose to a two-year high of 5%, oil prices hit $100 a barrel, sales of new homes are plummeting, exports are off, business spending declined, auto sales are at their lowest in a decade, the Dow is down 256 points and the Nasdaq down 98. And that’s the good news. (Bob Mills)

There’s been a shakeup of top executives at Starbucks for opening too many stores. The new management admitted that putting coffee bars in maternity wards and funeral homes was a bit much, but said it just wanted to capture customers coming and going. (Scott Witt)

Southwest Airlines will charge $25 for a third checked bag. But on a brighter note, passengers will be allowed to choose the city the bag will be misdirected to. (Bob Mills)

The Culinary Workers Union in Nevada, the union representing hotel, restaurant and laundry workers in Nevada’s casino industry, decided to support Obama instead of Hillary. Fortunately for Hillary, only 2 of those workers are legally in the country and can vote. (Pedro Bartes)

The president has taken on an ambitious Middle East eight-day, six-country, 12-war visit. I assume he’s going to the Middle East like kind of one of those post Katrina surveying of the damage kind of, did I do that? (Jon Stewart)

Attendance at the San Francisco Zoo has doubled since an escaped Siberian tiger fatally mauled a spectator who had been taunting her. See! Give the people what they want and they’ll turn out. (Bob Mills)

According to the tabloids: Tom Cruise is short of money. Hey — people! — come on! — Tom is SHORT even when he has money! (Toms Lake Humor Company)

You know what people call Mitt Romney after the Iowa and New Hampshire elections? Premature ejaculator: He always finishes in seconds. (Pedro Bartes)

THE PRIMARIES

The news from the primaries just keeps rolling in. Hillary Clinton, of course, just scored a huge upset victory in New Hampshire over Barack Obama. But Barack has made it very clear that he’s not going down with out a fight, and the Obama campaign got some huge news today [on screen: John Kerry endorsing Obama]. I don’t agree with anything he said or anything he stood for, but he did not deserve that (Stephen Colbert)

Democrat Dennis Kucinich, who won less than 2 percent of the vote in the New Hampshire primary, said Thursday he wants a recount to ensure that all ballots in his party’s contest were counted. Apparently Kucinich could not believe so many people voted for him. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CANDIDATES

Some sad news today for Barack Obama. Did you hear about this? Apparently, he’s been endorsed by former candidate, John Kerry. Just when things are going so well. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton is telling everybody out there that she was always the candidate for change. If she could, she would have changed Bill long time ago. (Pedro Bartes)

Chelsea Clinton, Hillary’s daughter, has been accompanying her on the campaign trail. A few years ago John McCain got in trouble for saying Chelsea is so ugly there are rumors that her real father was Janet Reno. Actually, Amy Carter was plainer looking. Maybe her mother was Zbignieu Brezinski. (Scott Witt)

Saying that she has learned valuable lessons from her victory in the New Hampshire primary, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) today announced that she was scheduling an official crying jag for the eve of the South Carolina primary on January 26. (Andy Borowitz)

How did he (Huckabee) lose over 100 pounds? To lose his appetite, before each meal he had his wife say the name Hillary (Alex Kaseberg)

Mike Huckabee won a big victory in Iowa Thursday. People like his manner. He’s for teaching creationism, a national sales tax, and scholarships for illegal aliens, but he says it in such a folksy way that people think it’s a recipe for fried chicken. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani’s supporters were dismayed Thursday night at his pitiful showing in Iowa. Only a terrorist attack can save Rudy’s candidacy now. Unfortunately for him the terrorists have promised they will never cross the Writers Guild picket line. (Argus Hamilton)

Senators Joe Biden and Chris Dodd quit the Democratic race for president Friday after the votes were counted in Iowa. They were by far the most knowledgeable and most experienced and most serious of all of the presidential candidates. So they had to go. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry says he’s putting both his emotional and financial support behind Barack Obama. Think of it. With every squirt of ketchup, you’re helping to stop Hillary Clinton. (Patrick Gorse)

John Kerry is endorsing Barack Obama for president… which might mean something if Kerry knew anything about running for president. (Jake Novak)

Rudy Giuliani’s presidential campaign announced on Thursday the formulation of a Catastrophe Advisory Committee. The Catastrophe Advisory Committee will deal with natural disasters, terrorist attacks and Giuliani’s disastrous performances in Iowa and New Hampshire. (Pedro Bartes)

Bill Richardson dropped out of the presidential race Wednesday after a valiant effort. He needs to get back home. It’s been so long since he was in New Mexico the voters were starting to believe that they had outsourced the job of governor to India. (Argus Hamilton)

During an emotional speech Monday, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton cried and her voice broke repeatedly as she talked with voters in a restaurant about her campaign for the presidency. Political analysts started to speculate the reason of the emotional breakdown: too much pressure, nerves; but Bill gave the real reason: Menopause. (Pedro Bartes)

John McCain won the New Hampshire GOP primary. He preached a balanced budget and fiscal responsibility. He cut short many stops because his campaign is already running out of money. (Alan Ray)

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has dropped out of the presidential race, because of his poor showing in Iowa and New Hampshire. Fred Thompson was going to drop out, but nobody knows he’s in it. (Jay Leno)

Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has filed a complaint with the FCC because ABC would not let him participate in its presidential debate. The FCC responded by asking “Who are you again?” (Jim Barach)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush is leaving on an 8-day trip to the conflicting and dangerous Middle East, just days after the Pakistani leader Bhuto was assassinated. Bush explained the trip is a vacation package that was given to him by the Republican presidential candidates as a Christmas present. (Pedro Bartes)

THE COURTS

In his federal court appeal, Larry Craig is arguing that the hand signals he used to invite a sexual encounter at the Minneapolis Airport last year was “federally protected free speech.” Larry probably won’t overcome the longstanding Supreme Court maxim: Freedom of speech doesn’t allow someone to shout “Light My Fire!” in a crowded mens’ room. (Bob Mills)

A Mississippi businessman must pay more than 750,000 dollars in damages to the man whose wife he wooed away, after the US Supreme Court on Monday declined to hear an appeal in the case. Mississippi is the only state where you pay if you steal a wife; in the rest of the country husbands pay you to do that. (Pedro Bartes)

THE STATES

New Jersey has approved a law that would give the state’s electoral votes in a Presidential election to the winner of the popular vote. The state wants to take elections out of the hands of the courts and put it back where it belongs, in the control of organized crime. (Jim Barach)

On New Jersey lawmakers considering an apology for slavery: Not so much for the kidnapping and forced slavery as for making them live in New Jersey. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

The Huntington Town Board plans to set a hearing on a law banning Silly String because it damages the finish on fire trucks in parades. The board says it may also ban drunken parade-goers for the same reason. (Meredith Daniels)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A report shows the number of homicides is down in New York City. The most publicized fatality since October has been the Knicks. (Alan Ray)

Police arrested two men who wheeled a dead colleague through the streets of Manhattan strapped to an office desk chair in order to cash his $355 Social Security check. The men have been charged with fraud, larceny and decimating a corpse. The dead guy is charged with not wearing a seat belt and impersonating a postal employee. (Bob Mills)

SECURITY

The Department of Homeland Security is spending $29 million to develop an infrared laser that would detect and repulse heat seeking missiles aimed at commercial airliners by terrorists. Unfortunately, their system would not detect service seeking missiles launched by passengers. (Bob Mills)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

The stock market bounced back today, up 117 points. See what happens when Bush leaves the country for a few days, things get better. (Jay Leno)

As you may have heard… the price of oil closed at $100 a barrel. You see, I don’t think President Bush really understands this issue. In fact, when they asked him what effect this would have on average Americans, President Bush said it wouldn’t have much effect at all. He said, “Most Americans buy their oil in little cans.” (Jay Leno)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

French president Nicolas Sarkozy vacationed in Egypt this week with supermodel turned singer Carla Bruni. He divorced his wife last summer and began going out with supermodels. It just shows how much the French admire our system of quarterbacks. (Argus Hamilton)

INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf says Benazir Bhutto’s assassination was her own fault because she came to Pakistan and stood up with her head outside her car. That’s like blaming a plane crash on a tray table that wasn’t locked in its full upright position. And let’s not forgot also to blame the laws of physics for making a speeding bullet so darned dangerous. (Alex Kaseberg)

SCIENCE

The National Academy of Sciences has released a new book entitled “Science, Evolution & Creationism” which debunks bible-spawned myths that result from belief in creationism — like “Noah’s Ark,” “Jonah and the Whale” and “Mike Huckabee.” (Bob Mills)

HEALTH

The FDA has approved a take-once-a-day Cialis erectile dysfunction pill. It brings new meaning to taking a one a day plus iron. (Alex Kaseberg)

Men’s Health magazine this month lists ten ways for men to help improve their prostate health. Far too many men simply live with the problem. In Los Angeles, ten per cent of men get up and go to the bathroom at night while ninety percent get up and go home. (Argus Hamilton)

A survey by the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine found that the US ranks below France, England and 18 other countries in annual deaths that adequate health care would have prevented. Several bright spots, though. The US does better than France in preventing deaths by too much sex and edges out England in tooth decay fatalities. (Bob Mills)

A study shows that healthy foods are becoming more expensive, while junk food is getting cheaper. That shows we are not a nation of fat people. We are just being economically responsible. (Jim Barach)

New York window washer Alcides Moreno came out of a coma in remarkable health Friday. He fell forty-seven stories and still survived. He shares the title of the world’s luckiest man with Bill Clinton, who told forty-seven stories and still survived. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Los Angeles was pounded by three rainstorms Friday that left thousands without power and publicity. That explains why Dr. Phil rushed to Cedars-Sinai Hospital to see Britney Spears. They have an emergency generator that can send out press releases. (Argus Hamilton)

It was so warm today in New York City, Roger Clemens had a human growth hormone Slurpee. (David Letterman)

Lake Tahoe was buried by blizzards Friday while downstate, Los Angeles was drenched by rainstorms accompanied by high winds and low temperatures. Florida got snowfall and freezing weather. Americans are just lucky that cars run on corn and not orange juice. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

Nike is going to release the 23′rd edition of the Michael Jordan Air Jordan shoe. You can tell fans of the 44-year-old Jordan are getting up there. This year’s Air Jordan shoe is available in an orthopedic version. (Alex Kaseberg)

Roger Clemens denied steroid use on CBS 60 Minutes Sunday, and on the same show Pakistan’s Pervez Musharraf denied having a hand in Benazir Bhutto’s assassination last week. The ratings were huge. Everyone loves liar’s poker night on CBS 60 Minutes. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens told CBS’ 60 Minutes Sunday he took lidocaine, not steroids, in the locker room. He said he and his pal Andy Pettitte got regular injections in the rear end from the trainer. Now he must go back on the show next week to deny that he’s gay. (Argus Hamilton)

Disgraced Olympic sprinter/steroids cheater, Marion Jones, was sentenced to six months in prison for lying to prosecutors about taking steroids. In a related story, Roger Clemens has just wet himself. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Golf Channel suspended Kelly Tilghman for two weeks after she told a group of young golf pros trying to overtake Tiger Woods to? lynch him in a back valley. Kelly began her sportscasting career at a backwoods radio station in rural Mississippi — WKKK. (Bob Mills)

Tony Romo spent last weekend in Mexico with Jessica Simpson, where she promoted her new movie and revealed her plans to record a country album. He’s way out of his league. Tigers are fenced off at the Los Angeles Zoo to guard them from actresses. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

Entertainment Tonight aired video of a celebrity meltdown Saturday. Everyone’s favorite blonde was strapped on a gurney and taken to a mental ward, crying that her husband ruined her life. It could get worse if she doesn’t win New Hampshire tonight. (Argus Hamilton)

“In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale” opens in movie theaters. Fans of the video game will notice a huge difference. With the film, they will only sit on their asses for 2 hours.

THE MEDIA

The embarrassed news media has vowed not to repeat the circumstances in which it incorrectly reported that Obama was poised to win the New Hampshire primary by a landslide. Reporters have been told that from now on, wishful thinking should play a smaller role in their reporting. (Scott Witt)

Fox News excluded Ron Paul from its GOP presidential debate on Sunday, sparking fury. The network hates any criticism of the president. They even edited the news footage of Malibu in flames last month to take out the scenes of the bushes under fire. (Argus Hamilton)

U.S. TV broadcasters will be ready to start transmitting signals for portable electronics like cell phones next year. It’ll be great, as you are going to be able to see the report of your own car crash in your cell phone. (Pedro Bartes)

CELEBRITIES

Tom Cruise angrily denied reports Monday his daughter Suri was fathered by the frozen sperm of late Scientology founder Ron Hubbard. It could kill him at the box office. What kind of a leading man has a wife who cheats on him with a turkey baster? (Argus Hamilton)

Britney Spears was hospitalized in hysterics Friday after police took her kids from her. She had taken one hundred mood-altering pills washed down by a cocktail of vodka, NyQuil and Red Bull. The next morning John Daly hired her as his swing coach. (Argus Hamilton)

According to TMZ, rapper Eminem now weighs more than 200 Lbs. Apparently, he is not only happy with being called Eminem, he now wants to look like the M&M candy characters. (Pedro Bartes)

Pamela Anderson is getting divorced from Rick Salomon. This is great news for Larry King, marrying Pamela is on Larry’s Bucket List. (Alex Kaseberg)

TMZ reported that Pamela Anderson is pregnant and getting a divorce from Rick Salomon; they got married in October. The baby would be due in seven months, or as Pamela calls that: three more husbands. (Alex Kaseberg)

Two hundred pounder Queen Latifah has joined Valerie Bertinelli and Kerstie Alley as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig. No word yet on which ones will play “Before,” “During” and “After.” (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

A 42-year-old Houston teacher, Shannon Kay Hrozek, was arrested for sexually assaulting her 16-year-old male student. She claims it was a math quiz. She was trying to show him how many times 16 goes into 42. She was caught reportedly giving him, well, let’s call it an oral quiz. What is going on? When I was in high school getting screwed by a teacher meant being sent to detention. (Alex Kaseberg)

RELIGION

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson read his predictions on TV and said that 2008 will be a year of violence. He later admitted a mistake and said he was reading Dick Cheney’s 2008 resolutions. (Pedro Bartes)

Pope Benedict XVI is lamenting the trivialization of sexuality by young people in the church. The Pope says sex is a serious issue, and he has the legal bills and court settlement papers to prove it. (Jim Barach)

A survey commissioned by the Southern Baptist Convention found that 72% of non-church goers think that organized religion is “full of hypocrites.” Even more alarming, 84% of regular church goers think there’s a bible quote that says. “Blessed are the hypocrites for they shall inherit Pat Robertson.” (Bob Mills)

CULTURE

The American Dialect Society has chosen “subprime” as its word of the year. Finishing close in second and third were “bankrupt” and “foreclosure.” (Jim Barach)

The American Dialect Society meeting in Chicago has voted “subprime” its 2007 “Word of the Year.” barely edging out “hasselbeck,” a verb meaning to speak out on topics with which one is singularly unfamiliar. (Bob Mills)

HISTORY

Archeologists digging in the slopes of Kuelap in the Peruvian Andes have uncovered the lost civilization of Chachapaya that thrived between 800 and 1540. They theorize that the hearty peoples died out after staging a Woodstock type love-in that resulted in a critical shortage of virgins to sacrifice in volcanoes. (Bob Mills)

BUSINESS & LABOR

McDonalds is launching gourmet coffees. The menu features both hot and cold items. Hot items include lattes and mochas. Cold items include frapuccinos and French fries. (Alan Ray)

Let’s get right to it. A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim, walk into a bar. The Jew says to the Muslim… See, I have no idea what they say because there’s a writers’ strike. (Jay Leno)

On the continued effects of the Writers Guild strike: As a result, NBC has canceled the Golden Globes. Thank you, Writers Guild. (David Letterman)

They had to cancel the Golden Globes award thing. And now because of the writers guild strike, there’s fear that it could ruin the Academy Awards, could ruin the Academy Awards. And I thought, “Well, hell, I’ve done that.” (David Letterman)

As you know, we are in the middle of this writers’ strike here in Hollywood. It’s already cost the town over half a billion dollars. Five hundred million dollars! Or as Paul McCartney calls that? a divorce. (Jay Leno)

General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner will address the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas today and reveal company plans for a driverless car. It’s not that far-fetched an idea. They’ve been testing the prototype in the Oval Office for seven years. (Argus Hamilton)

General Motors Corp. (GM) plans to test driverless car technology by 2015 and have cars on the road around 2018, media reported Monday. The project is doomed as no media will support a car that will save celebrities from future scandals. (Pedro Bartes)

Comcast will launch a faster internet service. This begs the question. If it can send entire movies to your computer in 20 seconds, how come it takes 6 weeks to get a technician to your house?

8 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-12-08

  1. Pingback: South Carolina Foreclosures » Blog Archive » WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-12-08

  2. Wants tips and tricks about finances, automobiles, shopping, travel and so much more?

  3. i saw this post briefly as a top page on wordpress.com
    btw, what’s that first pingback about splogger? are you a splogger? I doubt it!

  4. Nita:
    Who knows? A splogger?? I wouldn’t know what one is even if it hit me between the legs!

  5. A splogger is someone who steals posts, at least to my knowledge. As I know that you don’t, I think that first comment must be spam. A splog is a blog which has nothing original on it!

  6. Oh! I understand. The pingback was to a post copied by someone. The usual empty blogs with ads all around, and a few copied posts from here and there, where the pingback calls you to it.
    I wonder anyone falls for it!

  7. Splogging = easy money
    beentheredonethat
    … and then i grew up.

  8. Funny stuff! Where the heck do you find all this, and who has the time to compile it? Whatever, I’m just glad to have found it here! keep it coming!

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