WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-22-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Everyone is waiting to see what Barack Obama has got planned. We already know his economic plan. It’s designed to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year. You know, like General Motors and Chrysler. (Craig Ferguson)

And earlier in the week, you know, this is historic when you think about it, President-elect Barack Obama went to the White House for a tour with George Bush, President-inept. (David Letterman)

Because he’s a kind of a techno guy, the press is calling Obama the first “wired” president, as opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president. (Jay Leno)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he wants to cut some of the state’s fourteen official holidays to save money. He says he may cut Christmas and the Fourth of July, but no way is he going to touch Cinco de Mayo. (Jim Barach)

It was a terrible week on Wall Street. The economy is in tatters. You know, this is what happens when Sarah Palin stops buying clothes. (Craig Ferguson)

District and federal officials in Washington DC are preparing for as many as 4 million people for the inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama. Actually, most of the 4 million don’t care much about Obama, they just want to make sure Bush is leaving. (Pedro Bartes)

Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world. (Conan O’Brien)

It’s now being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of Secretary of State. That just came out in the news. Actually, this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can go back to concentrating on domestic affairs. (Jay Leno)

Ringling Brothers was scheduled to go on trial for elephant abuse this week in Washington D.C. but the trial got delayed. They’re having trouble finding an impartial jury. Everyone is so mad at Republicans they won’t convict anyone who’d assault an elephant. (Argus Hamilton)

The Supreme Court is taking a case where they will rule on when judges must bow out of cases where there is a conflict of interest. Of course all they have to do is look at the 2000 Presidential election. (Jim Barach)

The New York Stock Exchange took stock investors on another harrowing ride Thursday. The Dow fell four hundred, then went up nine hundred. It’s like they are trying to kill everyone who has heart disease before the national health care plan takes effect. (Argus Hamilton)

And in a stunning announcement, the Office of the National Drug Control Policy reports that San Francisco now has more medical marijuana dispensaries than it does Starbucks. Well, yeah. That’s because marijuana is a lot cheaper than Starbucks. (Jay Leno)

The CEOs of the Big Three automakers are taking heat for flying on private jets to Washington, D.C. to request bailout money. Actually, they save more gas using a jet than if they drove one of the cars they make. (Pedro Bartes)

The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and Federal bailout money. (Jay Leno)

Obama is planning a bipartisan cabinet. And meanwhile, McCain is taking bicarbonate from the cabinet. (David Letterman)

Upon further review the NFL has declared the White Sox the winners of the 1919 World Series. (Marc Ragovin)

Todd Palin has left his wife and announced his intention to marry Tina Fey. “I look at it as like marrying your wife’s twin sister,” Palin explained, “except this time I’ll be married to a winner instead of a loser.” Palin also said he grew tired of his wife’s constant imitations of Fey and decided to marry the real thing. (Scott Witt)

President-elect Barack Obama, still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate? (Jay Leno)

Britain may pass stricter laws against prostitution. Hookers are reportedly outraged. As a protest, they plan to organize a massive work speed up. (Alan Ray)

After his performance the other night, it looks like Lance Bass may win “Dancing with the Stars.” That means we’ll have a gay “Dancing with the Stars” champion, an African-American president, and Hillary Clinton as secretary of State. You know, this could be just the thing that makes Rush Limbaugh’s head explode. (Jay Leno)

Well, that’s the big debate in Washington, now, whether to bail out Detroit automakers. Because if they went under, we’d lose millions and millions of jobs. You know what we need to do? And this is what I think would work. We need to get Oprah to buy everybody a car again. That would turn this things around! (Jay Leno)

OBAMA & BIDEN

Barack Obama has invited his mother-in-law to live with him in the White House. This proves once and for all he’s not a socialist. Rather, he’s a masochist. (Alan Ray)

The press is claling Barack Obama the first wired president because he’s very big on e-mails and the Internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. So, it looks like America’s ready for a black president. We’re just not ready for a Blackberry president. (Jay Leno)

Last night, “60 Minutes,” Barack Obama spoke at length about his life these days. He said that since he won the election, he has slept in his own bed every night. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Man, this guy has a lot to learn.” . (Conan O’Brien)

Everyone’s talking about how Obama is going to get a dog for his little girls. Well, Barack says he’s taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters because he’s looking for a pet that won’t shed its hair, which is the exact same reason, apparently, he picked Joe Biden. (Conan O’Brien)

Obama will be the first president who is tech savvy — that means projects he’s pushing won’t go haywire, they’ll go haywireless! (Gil Stern)

THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION

Hillary Clinton may become Secretary of State. Husband Bill fully supports the idea. It means she’d be out of the country a lot. (Alan Ray)

The latest rumor is that Barack Obama has offered the job of Secretary of State to Hillary Clinton. But that’s kind of sad, don’t you think? I mean, think how close Hillary Clinton came to being the first female president of the United States. Her next job offer, oh, a secretary. (Jay Leno)

Obama appears to have selected an attorney general and it looks like Hillary Clinton might be his secretary of state. Boy, I guess that’s good for her, but Hillary went from almost being the president to a secretary. Sounds like somebody needs to watch “Working Girl” again, because that’s not how it’s supposed to work. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Hillary Clinton’s name was floated as a contender for the post of Secretary of State Monday. All good presidents try to bring in people who cover their weaknesses. Since Barack Obama has no weaknesses, he needs the Clintons to keep the comedians fed. (Argus Hamilton)

Now this is a tough process because when they are going to appoint to you a Cabinet level position. It is a vetting process that involves a questionnaire. And there was some trouble because they filled out the questionnaire, running the check on Hillary. Listen to this. Turns out she was married to a guy who was once impeached. (David Letterman)

Hillary Clinton flew to Chicago to discuss the Secretary of State job with the president-elect Friday. Why give up her U.S. Senate seat? As Secretary of State you serve at the pleasure of the president, and she always delegated that to the interns. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSH & CHENEY

To refer to George W. Bush as a lame duck doesn’t quite cut it. Quadriplegic platypus is more like it. (Will Durst)

President Bush says his banner in retirement will read “Fishin’ Accomplished.” (Michael Feldman)

And today, in a speech about the economy, President Bush said, “Our actions are having an impact.” Yeah, I think it’s called a recession. (Jay Leno)

First Lady Laura Bush is reportedly looking at a book deal once she leaves the White House. So is President Bush. He says it’s been always been a goal to actually read one. (Jim Barach)

Yesterday, President Bush awarded, this is true, a National Medal of the Arts to Stan Lee, the comic book artist who created “Spider-Man.” Yeah, afterwards, Bush said it’s the first thing he’s done as President that felt right. (Conan O’Brien)

THE TRANSITION

President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don’t want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama’s new slogan, “Maybe we can.” (Jay Leno)

Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Vice President Dick Cheney yesterday, and “you’d think there’d be animosity — no, no. Vice President Cheney, very nice. In fact, Cheney even sent his own personal ambulance to pick him up. (Jay Leno)

Yesterday was a nice day. Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha made their first visit to the White House. The girls were excited to see where they’ll be living, and President Bush was excited to finally have somebody to play hide-and-seek with. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama’s team hinted Thursday he may keep Secretary of Defense Bob Gates at his post. It makes sense now. When Barack Obama said he would pull U.S. troops out of Iraq within thirty days, we didn’t know yet that he only talks in Biblical days. (Argus Hamilton)

Washington DC is completely booked for Obama’s inauguration day, with not a single hotel available and with residents renting their own homes for a lot of money. Things are getting so crazy for a little space, even Larry Craig is charging to share a bathroom with him. (Pedro Bartes)

Washington DC is completely booked for Obama’s inauguration day. Things are getting so crazy for a little space, politicians are asking their wives if they can bring their prostitutes home. (Pedro Bartes)

President-elect Obama is meeting every day with his transition team, or in Beltway lingo, his trannies. They are helping him pick who will be in his new government. Over 7,000 presidential appointments are up for grabs. The Obama administration is making history once again by being the only place in America that is currently hiring. (Stephen Colbert)

McCAIN & PALIN

John McCain announced today that he is beginning his 2010 senatorial campaign. And I’m thinking, wow! Two more years of a John McCain campaign, hey, cut me a slice of that! (David Letterman)

Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions. (Jay Leno)

John McCain and Barack Obama met yesterday. You know, they’re going to bury the hatchet. In politics, they call that reaching across the aisle. Usually when John McCain reaches across the aisle, it’s to grab the Metamucil. (David Letterman)

In fact, when Sarah Palin heard about McCain meeting with Obama, she accused McCain of palling around with terrorists. (Jay Leno)

According to literary agents in New York, Sarah Palin is about to sign a $7 million book deal. They didn’t say whether it’s to write one or read one. (Craig Ferguson)

But Palin is going to sign the deal, and she is not ruling out the idea of running for the Senate in 2010. She’s already formed a committee to explain to her what the Senate is, so it is looking that way. (Craig Ferguson)

Well, according to MSNBC, Sarah Palin could get $7 million when she signs her book deal. You know who’s really excited about this? Neiman Marcus. (Jay Leno)

How about that Sarah Palin? A lot of people said, what will happen to her when she goes back to being the governor of Alaska? Don’t worry: book deal, $7 million. She got it through a guy named Joe the Publisher. And they said, well, how about writing a book? She said, “You betcha. As long as I don’t have to read it.” Seven million dollars. So maybe now she can afford her own clothing. (David Letterman)

Sarah Palin continues to be a controversial figure in the GOP. Half of the party wants her to shut her mouth, the other half, her legs. (Pedro Bartes)

According to the New York Post, Sarah Palin may appear on the season finale of “Desperate Housewives.” And, a related story: John McCain just got a big Flomax commercial. (Jay Leno)

THE ELECTION

Everybody is kind of making up and getting back together. Senator McCain and President-elect Barack Obama even got together and had a nice visit. And Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick. (David Letterman)

Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she’s the Vice President of Missouri. (Conan O’Brien)

In the last elections in Duval County, Florida, Jesus received 23 write-in votes, and God got only six. I think somebody is going to get crucified again. (Pedro Bartes)

Alan Keyes filed suit in California court to prevent the state’s electoral votes from going to Barack Obama until he proves he was born in America. Some people say he was born in Africa and his Hawaiian birth certificate is fake. That’s just our luck, America finally elects a black president and he turns out to be an illegal alien. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

President Bush visited Wall Street yesterday. Nothing to do with the economy. He just wanted to see something that had dropped more than his approval rating. (Jay Leno)

Fidelity Investments ad: “Every day, we manage your assets with April 15 in mind.” Their goal of eliminating capital gains taxes gets easier by the day. (Scott Witt)

A USA Today ad on Monday touted, “Make millions by buying bad loans.” Yeah, Americans have already seen how to do that — start with billions. (Janice Hough)

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson Wednesday canceled the federal buyout of toxic assets from banks. The derivatives are a mess. Nobody knows which securities are backed by actual mortgages and which ones are backed by Max Bialystock’s word as a gentleman. (Argus Hamilton)

The economy is so bad, A.I.G. executives are only drinking domestic champagne now. (Jay Leno)

An economist is person who can tell you tomorrow exactly why what he predicted yesterday didn’t go down today. (Will Durst)

Oh, and you know that $750 billion bailout money they needed right away to correct the crisis? Turns out it isn’t going to be used for what they set it up for. Treasury Secretary Paulson changed his mind and is going to use it for something else. Hey, we changed our mind, too. Give us our money back. (Jay Leno)

The New York Stock Exchange opening bell was rung by circus clowns Friday. The clowns spent all day mingling with the brokers on the floor. The difference between a stockbroker and a clown is that little kids always cry when they see a stockbroker. (Argus Hamilton)

The economy has taken a toll on office holiday parties across the country. Most companies are having to divert the money where there are other shortfalls. Mostly towards executive bonuses. (Jim Barach)

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the mortgage-finance companies seized by the U.S. government, will suspend foreclosures and evictions until January 9th. Just like any other lame Christmas present, it doesn’t last more than 2 weeks after Christmas. (Pedro Bartes)

The Wall Street Journal advised investors Friday to beware of investment advisers with sure-fire schemes and use your head. If you bought a thousand dollars worth of beer a year ago, the recycled cans would have netted you two hundred dollars Monday, a twenty percent return. So the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

House Democrats demanded a bailout for struggling homeowners and auto companies Thursday. GOP congressmen defended bankers who took bailout money but won’t loan it out. If Washington D.C. wanted to build the world’s biggest zoo, all they’d have to do is put a fence around the U.S. Capitol. (Argus Hamilton)

And in the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as appropriations committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there. (Jay Leno)

Senator Ted Stevens has now lost his bid for re-election, although if elected he would have probably been forced to resign soon anyway. So two words that comedy writers won’t be getting for Christmas: “Senator Palin.” (Janice Hough)

Ted Stevens has lost his Senate race in Alaska. Even though he’s going to prison, expect him to run again. From the lifers in the shower room. (Alan Ray)

THE STATES

Connecticut legalized gay marriage Tuesday, one week after Massachusetts voters legalized marijuana. It’s amazing. Long ago, when the Pilgrims landed in New England, little did the people in the villages realize they’d someday be the Village People. (Argus Hamilton)

West Virginia made the news Monday when a survey said Huntington was the number-one city in residents with no teeth, poor health and obesity. At least they have the best investment bankers in the whole world. They have all their money in Grocery Sacks. (Argus Hamilton)

California faces a $28 Billion budget shortfall. Not only that, but Governor Schwarzenegger just found out the Governor’s Mansion is financed with a subprime mortgage loan. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

New York Mayor Bloomberg wants to charge shoppers six cents every time they use a plastic bag. Enforcing morality through taxation is not a new idea, and it’s expected to grow as New York’s cash-hungry government imposes levies on other harmful substances such as butterfat, sugar, and the New York Times. (Scott Witt)

Federal health statistics revealed that Huntington, Virginia, is the fattest city in America. The mayor is not a bit concerned; the city has become big a tourist attraction. Everybody in America wants to travel to a place that makes them feel skinny, where even Michael Moore looks like one of the Olsen twins. (Pedro Bartes)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton, what a stand-up guy. He went to Barack Obama and he said he will do anything to help Hillary become secretary of State. He said, “Look, I’ll remove my profile from eHarmony.com.” And he’s going to place all his interns in a blind trust. (David Letterman)

How about this? They’re talking about Hillary Clinton maybe becoming Secretary of State. She takes that job, it means she will be spending a lot of time away from home, so today she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers and then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill. (David Letterman)

John Kerry was reported Monday to be seeking the Secretary of State nomination. His skills are well-known. He lost the presidential race four years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he’s not just any idiot. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

The Republican Party is considering choosing an African-American Republican to be their party’s chairman. Unfortunately, neither guy wants the job. (Conan O’Brien)

Rudy Giuliani says he might run for president again. He’s motivated by the party’s direction. He heard the RNC gives you $150,000 for a new wardrobe. (Alan Ray)

Mike Huckabee has his own show on Fox News. Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin will be getting her own show too: “Northern Overexposure.” (Janice Hough)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Pirates off the coast of Somalia have seized a Saudi-owned oil supertanker, one of those big supertankers. Pirates ripping off an oil company? Boy, talk about no honor among thieves, huh? (Jay Leno)

International maritime officials say 39 ships have been hijacked by pirates this year on the high seas. See, luckily, we don’t have pirates in America that rob and plunder. We just have CEOs. (Jay Leno)

Somali pirates have seized a Saudi oil tanker holding $100 million of crude. Well it was $100 million… after today’s oil market trading, it’ll be more like $35 million. (Jake Novak)

Somali pirates hijacked a Saudi Arabian oil super-tanker off the east coast of Africa Monday with three million barrels of oil. There’s no reason to attack. At the rate the price of oil is falling the pirates will be out of business in two weeks. (Argus Hamilton)

A postal worker in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, has been busted for smoking crack cocaine in her post office truck. Let me tell you something. If it speeds up the mail, fine with me. (Jay Leno)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

Well, looks like Guantanamo Bay is going to be closed. Hey, that shows how tough times are, when even terrorists are losing their homes. (Jay Leno)

Al-Qaida’s No. 2 leader released a video criticizing Barack Obama. Are they crazy? You don’t do that to a black guy that was told he can’t text anymore, that he can’t smoke, and that is going to have his mother–in-law moving in with him. (Pedro Bartes)

NASA & SPACE

NASA has announced the space station has a system that recycles urine for drinking water. It’s an amazing system, it works every single time. Unless the astronauts ate asparagus. (Alex Kaseberg)

NASA astronomers have released photos of four newly discovered planets that are so far away, George Bush’s economic policies haven’t caused a recession there yet. (Patrick Gorse)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

The president of China will visit Cuba soon. And if some Democrats have it their way, so will Bush. But just Guantanamo. (Pedro Bartes)

Mexico City is planning on giving free Viagra to any men over the age of 70. That will do more to stop illegal immigration than anything we have tried in the past thirty years. (Jim Barach)

Mexico City’s mayor said Monday the city will begin giving free anti-impotence pills to men over seventy. It’s a humanitarian gesture. They heard the Los Angeles school system is laying off teachers and they want to do everything they can to help. (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

In France, pilots, teachers and postal workers are going on strike. In addition, all French etiquette experts, hygienists and military personnel will strike, but it’s doubtful anyone will notice. (Alex Kaseberg)

IRAQ & IRAN

The Iraqi cabinet has overwhelmingly approved the security agreement that sets the conditions for the Americans to stay in Iraq from Jan. 1 until the end of 2011. Both the U. S. and Iraq figure, by then, most weapons of mass destruction will be passed their freshness dates anyway. (Joe Hickman)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Men’s Health magazine this month lists ten ways for men to improve their prostate health. Too many men simply live with the problem. Ten percent of all men in Los Angeles get up and go to the bathroom at night while ninety percent get up and go home. (Argus Hamilton)

A Florida teenager survived 118 days without a heart. Big deal? Dick Cheney has gone two terms without a heart. And President Bush has gone two terms without a brain. (Alex Kaseberg)

Journal Science reported Monday that ancient skeletons found in Saxony prove Stone Age man formed nuclear families. In one grave was found a man, a woman and two kids. GM executives told Congress if they’d driven a bigger car they’d be alive today. (Argus Hamilton)

A study shows an anti-depressant may affect male fertility. Of course, nothing can cause depression more for a man than getting someone pregnant. (Jim Barach)

The FDA is putting a major warning on the cancer drug Avastin, because it increases risks of blood clots… and it’s $55,000 annual price tag also causes heart attacks. (Jake Novak)

A lack of sleep is being linked to heart risk. Mostly because people aren’t getting enough sleep working three different jobs to make ends meet in this economy. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Fires burn out of control near Los Angeles. You can tell it’s smoky on the freeways. Most drivers can barely see to text. (Alan Ray)

The fire in California has threatened Oprah’s house. Don’t worry — she turned on her force field and the fire went away, ashamed of itself. (Craig Ferguson)

Because of water pollution in the ocean, water regulators have voted to ban septic tanks in Malibu. Malibu septic tanks are terrible. Their contents leak into the ocean, into ground water, and into TV sitcom scripts. (Jerry Perisho)

Yesterday, they held the Great Southern California Shakeout. There was a giant drill to prepare us for the big earthquake. Now, don’t confuse it with the government giving money to Wall Street. That was the Great American Shakedown. It was a pretend disaster. And FEMA pretended to respond. So, it was all very realistic. (Jay Leno)

Actually, geologists said that the point of the drill was to show what kind of damage a 7.8 earthquake could do. They said it would destroy almost as many homes as Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. (Jay Leno)

Cold here in New York City today, so cold that Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens. (David Letterman)

It’s great to be here in Los Angeles, what’s left of it. These wildfires continuing to burn here in LA. I haven’t seen anything go up in smoke like this since my 401(K). (Jay Leno)

A study says that California’s air kills more people than car wrecks. Of course, most car wrecks are caused because people can’t see through the California smog. (Jim Barach)

SPORTS

The NFL is giving Adam “Pacman” Jones one last chance. But they have reiterated that this is his last chance. As I’ve said before, it’s all part of the NFL’s tough new “32 strikes and you’re out” policy. (Alex Kaseberg)

Country singer Mindy McCready says she had sex with Roger Clemens for over a decade. How come he never got her pregnant? As a pitcher, you’re always on the rubber. (Alan Ray)

Shaquille O’Neal was fined $25,000 for verbally assaulting a ref over the weekend. Witnesses were shocked. They haven’t seen him act this badly since “Kazaam.” (Alan Ray)

Sports Illustrated says that Barack Obama is going to install a basketball court at the White House. Republicans are concerned it will be a very liberal court. (Tim Hunter)

Barack Obama vowed on CBS’s 60 Minutes Sunday he’ll lobby for a college football playoff to replace the current computerized BCS rankings. That’s how tenacious he is. The elections’s been over for two weeks and he’s still trying to carry the South. (Argus Hamilton)

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was accused by the SEC of engaging in insider trading four years ago. Federal authorities say he was trying to avoid losses. If losses make Mark Cuban queasy he’s making a mistake trying to buy the Chicago Cubs. (Argus Hamilton)

Cleveland’s LeBron James became the youngest player to score 11,000 times, still not even close to the number of times he scored outside the basketball court. (Pedro Bartes)

The NFL is dropping playoff ticket prices by 10 percent. This raises an important question among San Francisco 49ers fans. What’s a playoff? (Alan Ray)

The National Football League slated three games on Thanksgiving Day to run one right after the other. Call it a public service. The NFL wants to do all it can to keep relatives from talking to each other while there is a carving knife on the table. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Vick’s attorneys say he will try to return to the NFL when he is released from prison. He may return as a center instead. Prison has gotten him used to bending over and finding some guy moving in right behind him. (Jim Barach)

Dante Culpepper returned as the starting QB for the Detroit Lions. It didn’t help. The Lions lost 38-14. Dante said the huddle was in total disarray. He said he’s never tried to call a play in the huddle while guys where playing pictionary and connect 4. (William Hale)

In a Miami night club, patrons said Kate Hudson was flirting with Yankee star, Alex Rodriguez, but that A-Rod was not interested. And why would A-Rod be interested in a fun, single 27-year-old-gorgeous and talented actress when he has Madonna, a 50-year-old scary crazy still-married woman waiting at home? This just in: A-Rod is an idiot. (Alex Kaseberg)

Madonna thinks that Alex Rodriguez has the heart of a poet. So do Yankees fans, because during the play offs, A-Rod seems to be holding a pen instead of a bat. (Pedro Bartes)

NASCAR has criticized ABC for cutting away from a race to show an episode of “America’s Funniest Videos”. If they wanted to show a program featuring people making total fools of themselves, why not just take some crowd shots at the race? (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

“Twilight” is out in movie theaters. A teenage girl discovers dating a vampire isn’t all that great. Most nights you stay at home watching plasma TV. (Alan Ray)

NBC’s Saturday Night Live filled two cast openings Thursday to replace the departing Amy Poehler. The cast members must be masters of improvisation who can make it up as they go along and get laughs. Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson joins the cast in January. (Argus Hamilton)

Joan Rivers has a new show on TV Land in January where she knocks on the doors of strangers who live in Beverly Hills and ask them how they got so rich. Nobody answers the doors at those homes. They’re afraid it’s the sheriff coming to evict them. (Argus Hamilton)

A movie about the early days of Grateful Dead founder Jerry Garcia is in the works. The movie will be told the same way in which Garcia experienced his life: in flashback. (Doug Austen)

Comedian Rob Schneider has decided that he will not to make any more Deuce Bigalow movies. Rob’s a little behind the curve. The movie-going audience had decided that after the first “Deuce Bigalow.” (Doug Austen)

Earlier tonight, right here on CBS, a very popular show called “The Ghost Whisperer’” aired. And in tonight’s episode, the Ghost Whisperer was surrounded by walking dead. You know, Republicans. (David Letterman)

Sean “Diddy” will play a prosecutor for two episodes on “CSI: Miami.” The high point will be when he and David Caruso try to see who can go the longest without taking off their sunglasses. (Paul Seaburn)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Well, according to CNN, Barack Obama’s popularity going into office is higher than Clinton’s, Reagan’s or either of the President Bushes when they entered office. It’s much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That’s on CNN. On Fox, he’s somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning, O.K.? So, you have to pick your channels. (Jay Leno)

After Joe Scarborough used a cursed word on the air, MSNBC added a 7-second delay to his show. The network already had a 7-second delay in other shows, not for foul language, just to dump any accidental positive comments about Republicans. (Pedro Bartes)

Last night, “60 Minutes” had Barack Obama, and the show earned its highest ratings in nine years. Actually, I think Obama’s the youngest person they’ve had on the show in nine years. (Craig Ferguson)

CELEBRITIES

GQ has named Barack Obama one if its four “Men of the Year” along with Michael Phelps, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jon Hamm. Coincidentally, those are the same four names on Madonna’s “to do” list. (Paul Seaburn)

Madonna’s Divorce Final on Friday Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie will be declared final today in London. Madonna will settle in the US. Settle; yes. Settle down; No! (Jerry Perisho)

In an interview, Lindsay Lohan said she may be bi-sexual; this news was so shocking to Lindsay’s scary girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, she nearly fell off of her Harley Davidson. (Alex Kaseberg)

Las Vegas hotel owner Shelly Adelson put five hundred million of his own money into his Sands Hotel Wednesday to help it avoid bankruptcy. It’s amazing. At the start of the year he was the third richest man in America on the Forbes list, and after losing sixty billion dollars in the last month he’s moved up to the second spot. (Argus Hamilton)

Mark Cuban has been charged with insider trading. He has been sentenced to 16 months of living with Martha Stewart. (Jeff Heuser)

Mark Cuban was charged with insider trading for selling shares of the company Mamma.com, the Securities and Exchange Commission said Monday. I always knew that he was the kind of guy that would even sell his own Mamma to make a quick buck. (Pedro Bartes)

Animal activists in Paris dumped a bag of flour over Lindsay Lohan for wearing a fur stole. Activists dumped more flour over Lindsay Lohan later on when she got out of the car, but had to apologize because that wasn’t fur. (Pedro Bartes)

Sacha Baron Cohen crashed the set of “Medium” in his identity as outrageous fashion reporter Bruno. Medium? How come nobody on the set knew he was coming? (Paul Seaburn)

Rosie O’Donnell says that she wants to have a beer with Sarah Palin, a pretty risky move considering how dangerous Sarah Palin has been to the Whale population of Alaska. (Pedro Bartes)

Gene Simmons rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange Wednesday and the market went down 432 points. He’s a market genius because right there, on the floor, he sold tons of those KISS coffins. (Pedro Bartes)

Michael Jackson is giving Neverland Ranch to a corporation that he partly controls. He hasn’t used the property much lately. In fact, he donated it with the crime scene tape still intact. (Jim Barach)

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the prostitute who ended Eliot Spitzer’s career as governor of New York, appears on “20/20″ for an interview. “20/20,” huh? Normally when Dupre sees a couple of twenties, her “client” has left them on the dresser near the door. (Jerry Perisho)

Ashlee Dupreee, the prostitute involved in the Elio Spitzer scandal, told people magazine that she’s done with the Escort service and wants to put it all behind her… and so do all her former clients. (Pedro Bartes)

She’s in People magazine, Ashley Dupre. She wants to put it all behind her. Yeah. She says that when she told her mom she was a hooker, her mom was supportive. Really? How do you show you’re supportive of your daughter’s hooking career? What, do you have a bumper sticker sticker? “Oh, my daughter is a honor hooker at the Emperor’s Club'”(Jay Leno)

The prostitute at the center of the scandal that brought down former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer is saying “I’m sorry” to Spitzer’s wife. And to current New York Governor David Paterson she’s saying: “You’re welcome!” (Jake Novak)

Ashley Dupre said she was sorry for the pain she caused Eliot Spitzer’s wife. She said she felt connected to her. You know, maybe if she hadn’t been connected to her husband, none of this would have happened. (Jay Leno)

Despite ongoing rumors, a publicist for Paula Abdul says she has no plans to step down as a judge on “American Idol.” Paula decided to stay after the producers said she could take a drink every time Randy Jackson said “Dawg.” (Paul Seaburn)

A perfume company is suing Prince, claiming he failed to honor a contract to help market a fragrance named for the album “3121.” The company is so upset with Prince, it now refers to 3121 as “the perfume formerly known as toilet water.” (Paul Seaburn)

Thomas Beatie, better known as the “pregnant man,” is pregnant again. And you know that the baby will definitely choose baby formula. (Pedro Bartes)

EDUCATION

The Washington D.C. school board urged Michelle Obama Thursday to enroll her two daughters in the District’s public schools. They bragged about their high student scores in math and science. Nowhere do kids learn faster how many grams are in a kilo. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

A Catholic priest in South Carolina says he will not give communion to anyone who supported Barack Obama for President. Obama supporters don’t care. Anyone who supported Obama for President has a new Messiah, anyway. (Jim Barach)

HISTORY

Thanksgiving approaches. Historians say the Pilgrims’ invitation to the Indians for dinner was of unique significance. Years later, they would need reservations. (Alan Ray)

In 1841, William Henry Harrison gave the longest inauguration speech in history, almost two hours, in bitter cold weather. He caught pneumonia and died a month later. Luckily for Joe Biden, there’s no inaugural speech for the Vice President. (Janice Hough)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

In a recent study, a perfect 40 out of 40 women became sexually aroused when they heard the sound of a revving Maserati engine. Gay guys can’t get aroused with the engine of a car, because the Prius doesn’t make any noise. (Pedro Bartes)

According to a recent survey, 3 in 5 lesbians say they were born gay. The other 2 met some of the other three at a college bar. (Pedro Bartes)

Men’s Fitness published a sex survey Monday showing the vast majority of women fake orgasms for the sake of their relationships. It gets worse. The same survey says the vast majority of men fake entire relationships for the sake of their orgasms. (Argus Hamilton)

Barbara Walters is doing a special on the man who got pregnant. If you get a sex-change operation then find yourself pregnant, you may want to ask yourself how good the doctor was. All I’m saying is, if you get a sex-change operation, hang onto the receipt. (Craig Ferguson)

Owners of TiVo digital recorders connected to the Internet will be able to order Domino pizza with a click of their remote button. The company is expected to release new remote controls that are big enough for those fatty fingers. (Pedro Bartes)

THE BIG THREE

General Motors stock dropped to a 65 year low. It is so low that people who couldn’t have afforded a GM SUV just last week are now in a position to buy the whole company. (Jim Barach)

Detroit’s Big Three automakers say that if the don’t get the bailout money, millions of people in America will be unemployed, especially those who work in the tow truck industry that relies on those cars to break often. (Pedro Bartes)

GM and Ford are reminding the public that if they go under, millions of American jobs will be lost forever… mostly the jobs of Americans who repair GM’s and Fords. (Jake Novak)

The big three CEO’s all said they need exactly $25 billion. That’s $20 billion to fix their companies, and $5 billion to fix the Detroit Lions. (Jake Novak)

The United Auto Workers said Saturday they won’t make any concessions on wages or benefits to help the Big Three. First things first. Investors are just starting to realize that General Motors is a health care provider that makes cars on the side. (Argus Hamilton)

This weekend, the big auto show opens here in Los Angeles. It’s $10 to get in, $25 billion to get out. (Jay Leno)

That’s the big story in Washington. Executives of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler testified on Capitol Hill, trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Dick Cheney whispered in his ear, “Cars use oil!” (Jay Leno)

Do we really need to repair our highways and roads? Shouldn’t we wait until we see if Ford, GM and Chrysler will still be making cars? (Gil Stern)

The three C.E.O.s made a huge mistake today. You may have seen this — they each flew to Washington in their own private jet to ask for $25 billion bailout. Even A.I.G. executives are going, “What are you thinking?” No, they each took their own private jet that cost $20,000 round trip. And here’s the sad part — today, the Japanese announced they have a jet that costs half that and gets better mileage. (Jay Leno)

The UAW chief also took a private jet to the hearings. But in all fairness, it was a union jet, so there were 1,600 flight attendants on board. (Jake Novak)

Congressional Democrats said they were wary of just handing out money to automakers, and Nancy Pelosi said that “until they show us the plan we cannot show them the money.” Now there is a concept. Too bad we can’t pay our taxes the same way. Of course, if Detroit had had a plan, they probably wouldn’t need the money. (Janice Hough)

The other big rumor is that General Motors will reportedly run out of money very soon, unless the government helps them out with this bailout, or the loan, whatever you call it. Isn’t that amazing? I mean, all those times a car salesman told you he was losing money on the deal, he wasn’t lying. (Jay Leno)

BUSINESS & LABOR

O.K., let me make sure I have this straight. Citibank is having troubles because of mortgage delinquencies, and so to deal with this they fire 50,000 people? Then they’ll be surprised at the rise in delinquencies, and … fire another 50,000 people? That’ll work! (Robt Stupple)

Citigroup, GM, Ford and Chrysler are considering a merger. The new company will be headquartered in a stalled armored car. (Jake Novak)

With Citigroup shares falling below $5, there’s a good chance the giant bank could go bankrupt. Experts blame the company’s bad mortgage bets and the huge salaries and pensions paid to its unionized ATM’s. (Jake Novak)

Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, is facing federal charges for insider trading. This officially makes November 2008 the worst month ever for mavericks, okay? (Jay Leno)

The exclusive Yellowstone Ski and Golf Club for the super rich in Montana has filed for bankruptcy. Apparently the economy was a faster way to go downhill than the ski slopes. (Jim Barach)

McDonald’s profits went up 8.2%, in the last quarter. So while belts are tightening in American households because of the bad economy, McDonald’s is doing their best to let them out again. (Jim Barach)

Starbucks profits fell 97% last quarter. Fortunately their markup of 500% on coffee is still keeping them in business. (Jim Barach)

Starbucks is having trouble. Their profits have dropped 97 percent in the fourth quarter. Is that unbelievable? Economists say Starbucks customers are switching to a cheaper alternative, like cocaine. (Jay Leno)

Sirius XM radio reported a $4.88 Billion loss in just the third quarter. That means a GM vehicle with a Sirius XM receiver in it represents an economic recession in itself. (Jim Barach)

And according to The New York Post, Sarah Palin may appear on the season finale of “Desperate Housewives.” They said she’s seen the show several times, which more than qualifies her as an actress. (Jay Leno)

On Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang stepping down: The company is doing so badly, it’s conducting its search for a new CEO on Google. (Jake Novak)

HOLIDAYS

Thanksgiving is a week away. How are leftovers different from relatives? You hope the leftovers stick around for several days. (Alan Ray)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

A poll says that 72 percentof Americans say that Barack Obama will fix the economy. The other 28 percent couldn’t be reached because they no longer have a house, phone or computer. (Jim Barach)

According to a new study, people who are unhappy watch 30% more TV than people who are happy, apparently, because they watch the news. (Pedro Bartes)

OTHER NEWS

Listen to this, AARP, American Association of Retired People, you know what I’m talking about? Yeah. They’re talking now, because of financial reasons, that there may be a, they may merge with AAA. And if they do, it will be a brand-new organization that helps people who own old cars. (David Letterman)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

3 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-22-08

  1. Pingback: WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-22-08 « A Twist of Word and Mind

  2. UPDATED: Specific recommendations to take advantage of Barack Obama’s $75 Billion Loan Modification Plan, The Homeowner Affordability and Stability Plan(HAMP Program)
    WARNING: Do not pay a Loan Modification Company $1500-$3000 to simply fill out the forms included in this kit.

    “GOOD NEWS for homeowners facing foreclosure: AT LAST! a complete Loan Modification Kit which provides insider tips and easy instructions on how to stop the foreclosure process and SAVE YOUR FAMILY’S HOME. ” Guaranteed or you PAY NOTHING.

  3. UPDATED: Specific recommendations to take advantage of Barack Obama’s $75 Billion Loan Modification Plan, The Homeowner Affordability and Stability Plan(HAMP Program)
    WARNING: Do not pay a Loan Modification Company $1500-$3000 to simply fill out the forms included in this kit.

    “GOOD NEWS for homeowners facing foreclosure: AT LAST! a complete Loan Modification Kit which provides insider tips and easy instructions on how to stop the foreclosure process and SAVE YOUR FAMILY’S HOME. ” Guaranteed or you PAY NOTHING.

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