Why is it hard to talk with a goat?
Because he always butts in. (Lederer & Ertner)
What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
Did you hear about the circus stunt man who used to stick both his left arm and left leg in a lion’s mouth.
He’s all right now.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
What did the two rabbits say to the farmer while they were eating his crops?
When you’re lying on your deathbed, a priest is probably the last person on earth you want to see. (Gary Hallock)
In the old days, a suspended sentence was hanging.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
An ancient Greek shoemaker ran home when there was an earthquake, only to discover he had fallen arches.
A rancher has a huge cow-spread down in South Texas. A visitor asked him one day how long cows should be milked. “The same as short ones,” he answered.
Little Pauly greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear,” she asked. Little Pauly: “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So, I went outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left the house, I overheard my daughter saying, “There goes dad again, making fountains out of mole hills.”
Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work at a park in Southern California, I usually wear several items to protect myself, including safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat. One day as I sat down on a bench to eat lunch, a child called out, “Look! It’s the Lawn Ranger!”
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling, “Stop! Stop! You’re barking up the wrong tree!”
A young manicurist named Gail
Fell in love with a dentist named Dale
They might still be together
Were they birds of a feather
But they constantly fought tooth and nail
If I had the chance to change just one thing in my life, I think I’d have to pick underpants.
“Henry the Eighth weighed over 300 pounds!” Tom stated unthinkingly. (Stan Kegel)
For Sale by Owner: Complete Set of Encyclopedia Brittanica Excellent condition, but no longer needed; New wife knows everything.