WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-02-07 (VERY LONG!)

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

O. J. Simpson is reportedly considering remarrying. Or, as he put it,
“I’m ready to take another stab at it.” (Jim Rosenberg)

This week Dick Cheney’s daughter Mary and her partner, Heather, had a
baby boy. Afterwards, Dick Cheney teared up and said, “I’ve been
asking her to bring a boy home for 30 years.” (Conan O’Brien)

Lindsay Lohan was charged with drunk driving and cocaine possession
in Beverly Hills after a car wreck Friday. It’s a miracle. Paris
Hilton only started carrying around a Bible last week and already G-d
has found her a socially acceptable cell-mate. (Argus Hamilton)

The FDA has been told to reduce the amount of nicotine in cigarettes.
Right. And while they are at it, take out the alcohol from beer and
the fat from a Big Mac. (Jim Barach)

The hottest rumor around Hollywood is HBO’s plan to revive the
Charlie’s Angels series with Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris
Hilton as the Angels and Hugh Grant as Bosley. (Stan Kegel)

After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts…
regular, premium, and unleaded. (Jay Leno)

THE CANDIDATES

During a trade of verbal jabs over the Iraq funding measure, Senator
McCain said that Obama wouldn’t know the difference between a rocket
propelled grenade and a bong. In a written statement Obama said that
he clearly knows the difference: a bong is a type of hookah or water
pipe for smoking marijuana or other drugs and an RPG is what you need
nowadays to get into certain towns to buy the marijuana. (Pedro Bartes)

Republican Fred Thompson will enter the race for president, despite
the fact that most Americans only know him from his role on “Law and
Order.” Of course, Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton is mostly
known from her recurring role on “Desperate Housewives.” (Jake Novak)

Republican Fred Thompson, a former Tennessee senator and “Law &
Order” actor, is methodically moving ahead with a likely presidential
bid. He’s not your typical Republican — he’s only had two wives.
That’ll never impress the Republican base. (HaBlog)

It’s Friday, which means Rudy Giuliani is pro-choice again. (Jay Leno)

Rudy Giuliani has been paying his wife $10,000 a month to help write
his speeches. That’s every wife’s dream, isn’t it? To put words in
your husband’s mouth and get paid for it. (Jay Leno)

Rudy Giuliani reported Thursday that he pays his wife Judy Nathan ten
thousand dollars a month to write his speeches. There’s nothing wrong
with that. It’s a refreshing change of pace to see a candidate pay a
woman to express herself and not to keep quiet. (Argus Hamilton)

Congratulations to Rudy Giuliani. He celebrated a wedding anniversary
today. He also has another one tomorrow, and two on Monday if I’m not
mistaken. (Jay Leno)

Arkansas’s former governor and GOP presidential candidate Mike
Huckabee proposed getting rid of the U. S. income tax on Tuesday. The
effect was electrifying. The next day Kobe Bryant went on the radio
and demanded to be traded from the Democratic Party. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama revealed his health care reform proposal Tuesday. He
wants to pay for national health insurance by taxing the wealthy.
It’s believed to be the most farsighted and comprehensive health care
plan ever proposed by a guy who still smokes. (Argus Hamilton)

A new book out by Robert Shrum claims that when asked about gay
rights, John Edwards said he was not comfortable around those people.
Now do you believe that? How does a guy who spends 400 bucks to get
his hair styled not like gay people? (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

I don’t know why liberals won’t give our President a break. Budget
deficits won’t affect any of you for years to come, and probably
never, if you’re a senior citizen; he’s almost got the Iraq thing
down; within days of that hurricane he was jetting over New Orleans,
and within days after that he was photographed there with his
shirtsleeves rolled up. What more can they possibly want? (R.Winger III)

During a press conference in the White House Rose Garden a sparrow
flew overhead and left a splash on the President Bush’s sleeve. The
president immediately deployed 20 000 troops to Iraq to hunt down all
the sparrows there claiming that if we don’t kill the birds there
they will attack us here. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush is urging Americans to pray for the troops safety in
Iraq. Apparently that is his long awaited ‘Plan B.” (Jim Barach)

President Bush delivered his weekly radio address to the country
Saturday from Camp David. He said the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
aim to bring freedom to those nations. To smuggle it in undetected
we’ve craftily disguised it as chaos and gunfire. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Dick Cheney welcomed his sixth grandchild into the world, meaning he
now has more grandchildren than draft deferments. (Andy Borowitz)

THE CONGRESS

Congress just passed a law against gas station price-gauging. You
know how you can tell if a gas station is price gauging? If the sign
says “Open.” (Jay Leno)

THE COURTS

A woman in Tennessee is now suing a local pharmacy after buying what
she thought were birth control patches. They turned out to be
nicotine patches. The good news, her new baby is now down to a half a
pack a day. (Jay Leno)

THE STATES

A new survey says that New Jersey is the most livable state in the US.
The survey has a margin of error of 100 percent. (Conan O’Brien)

LOCAL NEWS

Boulder, Colorado is listed as the smartest city in the country, with
the most college graduates. The dumbest city was chosen to be Newark,
New Jersey for having so many people who continue to live in Newark,
New Jersey. (Jim Barach)

New York City announced they are making all the taxi cabs hybrids.
This is a big step toward eliminating pollution. Now all they need to
do is get the drivers to wear deodorant, get the people to stop
urinating in street. (Craig Ferguson)

THE ARMED FORCES

Bush has appointed Lt. General Douglas Lute as the country’s first
“war czar” whose duties will primarily involve coming up with a term
more acceptable to the American public than “surrender.” (Caboom)

Bush has appointed Lt. General Douglas Lute as the new “War Czar.”
Who, much like the “Drug Czar” who preceded him, will try to sell the
public on a doomed-from-the-start program to “Just Say No” to getting
the hell out of Iraq. (Bob Mills)

The Pentagon was reported Sunday to be working up plans to cut U. S.
troop strength in Iraq by one-third, depending on political
conditions by September. There are two separate sets of plans. They
have a plan to withdraw from Iraq in case Dick Cheney is impeached
first and a plan to invade Russia in case President Bush is impeached
first (Argus Hamilton)

THE LAW

In Virginia lawmakers are considering a law banning people from
wearing pants that reveal their underwear in a lewd way. Of course
you could get by this law by just not wearing any underwear. (Craig
Ferguson)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The Russian spy charged with murdering Alexander Litvinenko says
British intelligence is responsible for the crime. In a related
story, Phil Spector says James Bond shot his girlfriend. (Gorsefeathers)

Police in Seattle have arrested the world’s most notorious spammer.
The cops emptied his pockets. He had Viagra for only $3.99 and Cialis
for only $4.25. (Alan Ray)

TERRORISM

A U. S. contractor who worked at Abu Ghraib has been sentenced to
three years in prison for child pornography. It’s good to see the
government still draws the line at child porn. Torture apparently is
still a legal gray area.

IMMIGRATION

TGIF! Do you know what it stands for? “The green card is five
grand.” (Jay Leno)

The third largest company for daily oil production is in Mexico. See,
this is how we break this immigration deadlock, make everyone
sneaking across the border carry just one barrel of oil. (Jay Leno)

Opponents of the immigration bill are asking people to call their
congressman and complain. Remember, if you do call, press ‘1’ for
English, ‘2’ for Spanish (Jay Leno)

SECURITY

The case of the Atlanta lawyer with a dangerous strain of
tuberculosis who was allowed back into the U.S. by a border inspector
has forced the US to tighten security at the airport. Apparently now
while the airport screener is doing the cavity search they will ask
you to cough and say 33. (Pedro Bartes)

Air France flew a passenger with tuberculosis from Atlanta to Paris
Friday after he eluded detection. It caused a near panic. As a
result, Homeland Security will no longer allow you to board a plane
with more than three ounces of liquid in your lungs. (Argus Hamilton)

A library on the Vermont-Canadian border is tightening security.
Apparently the order has come down from the White House to be
suspicious of anyone using a library. (Jim Barach)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

A beauty queen in Thailand was disqualified when he turned out to be
a man. The judges should have been suspicious, since his talent was
peeing standing up. (Conan O’Brien)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Fidel Castro wrote a newspaper article Wednesday claiming President
Bush tried to kill him. That’s very unlikely. Since Castro’s
intestinal problems obviously resulted from something he ate,
shouldn’t he be pointing the finger at the Russians? (Argus Hamilton)

Venezuelan ruler Hugo Chavez shut down the television channel that
opposes his regime this week. Dictators don’t like any television
network that doesn’t tell them what they want to hear. If President
Bush could, he would shut down the History Channel. (Argus Hamilton)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

The Charles Dickens Theme Park opened in London on Sunday. The theme
park lets tourists see life in nineteenth-century London as
immortalized by the novelist. It is believed to be the cleverest way
a city ever devised to conceal a homeless problem. (Argus Hamilton)

Cambridge, England has elected the first transsexual mayor. The
mayor’s partner is also a transsexual. They were both men who became
women and are now attracted to women. Couldn’t they both have saved a
lot of trouble by just staying men? (Jim Barach)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Naples, Italy is going through a garbage crisis. Trash hasn’t been
collected for nearly two weeks. If it gets any worse they may have to
change the city’s name to “Newark”. (Jim Barach)

A report from Italy’s National Research Council released Thursday
found that there are traces of cocaine and cannabis in the air of
some cities in Italy. According to experts, future reports in other
European countries will find the same drug traces and the order will
coincide with Snoop Doggy Dog’s tour (Pedro Bartes)

THE ECONOMY

The Lundberg Survey forecast Tuesday that gasoline prices in America
will stay high all summer. Even the rich and famous are having to
adjust. Gas is so expensive in Beverly Hills that Lindsay Lohan has
begun remaining at the scene of the accident. (Argus Hamilton)

The price of gas actually fell by two cents across the country this
weekend. Yeah, but I thought we couldn’t define infinity minus two.
(Jake Novak)

Congress has voted to raise minimum wage $2.10 to $7.25 an hour by
2009. With gas prices so high, they may cut out the middle man and
just send the money right to the oil companies. (Jim Barach)

HEALTH

Health officials in North America are looking for passenger lists for
two trans-Atlantic airline flights in their effort to find about 80
people who sat near a honeymooner infected with a dangerous drug-
resistant form of tuberculosis. Forget the passengers; they just sat
next to him. What about the poor airport screener that was in charge
of cavity searching him? (Pedro Bartes)

The Institute of Medicine recommended two dollars more in taxes on
each pack of cigarettes Friday. It could save lives. By the end of
this decade there won’t be three Americans who can afford to throw a
lighted cigarette into a gallon of gasoline. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ENVIRONMENT

NASA Chief Michael Griffin says he’s not convinced that global
warming is “a long term concern.” This, you’ll recall, is the same
guy who thought Lisa Nowak could get by without industrial strength
Huggies. (Bob Mills)

ENTERTAINMENT

“Shrek 3” opened today. All your favorite characters are back.
There’s the ogre, there’s the princess, there’s the jackass. Oh wait
a minute. That’s the cast of “The View.” (David Letterman)

Shrek is an ogre. He Is a beastly ogre. He’s a giant and he marries
into a family of royalty. Marries into a royal family. And eventually
goes on to become governor of California. (David Letterman)

A sequel for the Al Gore’s movie “The Inconvenient Truth” is on the
works. Apparently inspired by the success of the movie Spiderman,
there’s going to be a dark side of Al Gore in the sequel, a side that
drives a Hummer, doesn’t recycle and is as skinny as Nicole Richie.
(Pedro Bartes)

CELEBRITIES

Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the
influence Saturday. According to Lohan she was practicing her
character for an upcoming movie: “The Life of Paris Hilton.” (Pedro
Bartes)

Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. In a cruel twist of fate, the roads
are finally safe again but no one can afford gas. (Jake Novak)

Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the
influence Saturday after her convertible struck a curb and was cited
after being admitted to a nearby hospital for treatment of minor
injuries. I could hear her grandma saying: “I told you, you have to
wear underwear because you never know when you are going to get into
an accident” (Pedro Bartes)

Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again and may be cited for D.U.I. You
know what this means? Paris Hilton gets a cellmate. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton has been spotted carrying a Bible around. A lot of
people think she’s only trying to improve her image. Paris denied
this and said, ‘I’m very religious. In fact, I scream out “Oh God”
more than anyone.” (Conan O’Brien)

In an interview this week Paris Hilton said she never discussed sex
with her parents. She said she was too shy to ask them about it. In
fact, everything she knows about sex she learned from watching her
own video. (Jay Leno)

74-year-old Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss was arrested for a
D.U.I while driving the wrong way on a street in Carlsbad with a 23-
year-old swimsuit model. Gosh, I wonder why he wasn’t watching the
road? (Alex Kaseberg)

The New York Post is reporting that Britney Spears demanded to get
off a United Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Miami because she
wanted leather seats and they didn’t have any. So she got off the
plane. Hey I can understand that. If you’re on a five-hour flight
with no underwear on, you don’t want to be sitting on vinyl. (Jay Leno)

Dr. Jack Kevorkian will be released from prison Thursday after
serving eight years for assisting a patient’s suicide on television.
He may be able to put his skills to work in the presidential race.
Everybody agrees that ten candidates on each side is way too many.
(Argus Hamilton)

Paula Abdul has apparently broken her nose after tripping over her
dog. When asked how the accident happened, Paula said, “My dog was
trying to drink out of the same toilet I was throwing up in.” (Conan
O’Brien)

How about this? At a charity auction yesterday someone paid $350,000
to be kissed by George Clooney. I had no idea Ryan Seacrest had that
kind of money. (Jay Leno)

Cindy Sheehan, who camped outside President Bush’s home in Crawford,
Texas, throughout August 2005 to demand a meeting with the president
over her son’s death, is quitting the peace movement. She now plans
to camp outside her local Home Depot until she finally gets help from
someone who works there. (Jake Novak)

Nelson Mandela’s birthday is coming up. A concert is being planned to
celebrate Nelson Mandela’s birthday. Friends say that Mandela wants
the Spice Girls to perform. Apparently 27 years in prison really
screws with your taste in music. (Conan O’Brien)

RELIGION

Pope Benedict XVI is seriously considering reviving the Latin mass,
dropped by Vatican II. If this proves to be popular among the laity,
next he may bring back burning at the stake. (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors, Bill Gates
said it’s puzzling why more kids don’t want to become computer
programmers. Gee, I don’t know, you think maybe it’s because at some
point they’d actually like to have a girlfriend. (Jay Leno)

BUSINESS

Liz Claiborne is planning to lay off 10 percent of its workforce. The
termination notices are kind of tacky. “Dresses 50 percent off. Pants
60 percent off. You 100 percent off.” (Alan Ray)

Toyota introduced a luxury hybrid car that costs $125,000. The luxury
hybrid is perfect for the person who wants to be environmentally
conscious, but still wants to look like a selfish a-hole. (Conan
O’Brien)

Hooter’s restaurants are being redecorated. Apparently it took this
long for anyone to realize they are even decorated in the first
place. (Jim Barach)

A company is now making a cell phone that allows you to talk to your
dog. It enables you to talk to your dog. The way it works is that
first you have to be insane. (David Letterman)

5 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-02-07 (VERY LONG!)

  1. Hi Ramana! I dropped by from Surginet. Welcome to blogosphere!

  2. BTW.. hilarious post, mann! But too long .. mebbe you could divide it into shorter snippets 🙂

  3. hi, bernard!
    thanks….yes, i am planning to use an intro with a hyperlink to the rest of the main article. that should do the trick.

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