WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-09-07 (HUGE POST!)


Thanks, Stan Kegel!

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The name dog breeders apparently give to the increasingly common crossbreed of a shih tzu with a bulldog: bullshih. (The London Guardian)

Recent studies have found that a diet high in soy beans and soy sauce can result in infertility in men. Which that goes to explain China’s low population. (Conan O’Brien)

The Bush Administration is resisting attempts by the blind to have U. S. currency redesigned. Such a move is not in the overall plans. The president says such change would be short sighted. (Alan Ray)

Scientists in England announced yesterday that they’re on schedule to completely cure blindness within five years. When asked about the news most of the blind people in the world said they were very happy and that they never saw it coming. (Pedro Bartes)

At the G-8 Summit, President Bush will unveil a plan to phase out the environment by 2010. (Andy Borowitz)

President Bush began an eight-day trip to Europe on Monday. Global warming will be among several topics in the agenda. Apparently Bush’s new strategy for global warming is to start another Cold War with Russia. (Pedro Bartes)

Paris Hilton reported to jail Sunday night. And when she arrived they gave her an orange prison jumpsuit. Paris said, “This jumpsuit is nice, but do you have anything crotchless?” (Conan O’Brien)

The latest rumor in Hollywood is that Nicole Ritchie is pregnant. Ritchie has responded by saying, “I’m not pregnant. I just ate a grape.” (Conan O’Brien)

Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again and may be cited for D.U.I. You know what this means? Paris Hilton gets a cellmate. (Alex Kaseberg)

PARIS HILTON

Even before she arrives, inmates at an L. A. area prison are angry at Paris Hilton because they believe officials are making room for the starlet at the expense of other inmates already coping with crowded conditions. Well, now they know how every out-of-work actress with actual talent has felt about her for the last four years. (Jake Novak)

Paris Hilton’s Mom, Kathy, says Paris has been praying and seeking god before she goes to jail. Apparently Paris figured that she calls out “Oh, god” so much she should learn who he is. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton is now in jail. On her first day, they did something called a booty check. Paris Hilton calls it a first date. (Jay Leno)

It’s now been 48 hours that Paris Hilton has been in jail — which sets a new L. A. record for the longest time a celebrity has ever spent in prison. (Jay Leno)

Unfortunately, Paris Hilton is now so well known, the Republicans have no choice but to run her for President. Face it, those other candidates will be elected President the same year we see George W. Bush’s picture on a box of Wheaties. (HaBlog)

Los Angeles County Jail officials were incensed by the media mob that gathered for Paris Hilton’s entry to jail. She won’t be out of the headlines for long. Her publicist has arranged for Phil Spector to drive her home the day she’s released. (Argus Hamilton)

After only three days behind bars, Paris Hilton traded a 12-by-8-foot cell for her 2,700-square-foot Hollywood Hills home when she was released Thursday because of an unspecified medical condition. Rumor is Paris is suffering from RHS — Restless Head Syndrome. They’ll have to watch her closely. She will break out of her ankle monitor, pick up Britney, and boogie ’till the cows come home. And in L. A., the cows are as unpredictable as the justice system. Particularly the one wearing the ankle monitor. (HaBlog)

After serving only three full days behind bars, Paris Hilton was released from jail early Thursday, partly due to “medical” reasons after she spent most of the days crying. Immediately after hearing the news Scooter Libby started sobbing and complaining he had a severe headache. (Pedro Bartes)

After serving just three days in jail, Paris Hilton has been let out of jail for medical reasons, and sent home with an ankle bracelet monitor. Authorities say there is something wrong with Paris’s ankle bracelet monitor. It seems it keeps getting caught in her earring. (Alex Kaseberg)

Although it is a common practice for Los Angeles Sheriffs to release women DUA convicts to home arrest after 3 days to relieve jail congestion, Paris Hilton was ordered back to jail Friday to prove once and for all that celebraties in Los Angeles will not be allowed to avoid jail by loopholes even if allowed to other residents. (Stan Kegel)

Paris Hilton’s lawyer visited her in prison today. She told him she is using her time in jail to see what she can do to make the world a better place. So far the only thing she could come up with is stay in jail. (Conan O’Brien)

Paris Hilton’s mom baked a file into a cake. Not so she could escape, so she could do her nails. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Paris Hilton will not be allowed to do interviews in jail. The L.A. County Sheriffs won’t allow her to be photographed in handcuffs, either. For that you will need to buy her video. (Jim Barach)

The judge apparently thought it was only fair — Congress denied amnesty for low-wage illegal aliens, so he denied amnesty for rich girl Paris Hilton. The difference being, of course, that 12-million illegal aliens remain on the loose while Paris does not. (Scott Witt)

Paris Hilton began serving her jail sentence Sunday evening, but in an attempt to avoid reporters she checked in under the alias of London Marriott. (Scott Witt)

In a written statement, Paris Hilton said she has learned a great deal from her time in jail, like making wine in the toilet. (Pedro Bartes)

Not everything was good news for Paris Hilton yesterday. Apparently her Chihuahua had to stay in Jail after it joined a Latino gang in prison. (Pedro Bartes)

SCOOTER LIBBY

Earlier today, Scooter Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison. Afterwards, Scooter said, “I just hope I have the chance to clear my incredibly stupid name.” (Conan O’Brien)

Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in jail and a $250,000 fine for lying to investigators in the CIA leak case. Libby has been instructed to make the $250,000 check out to the Democratic Party. (Conan O’Brien)

Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison even though he is a good friend of Vice President Dick Cheney. Hey, he got off easy. Cheney’s other friends got shot in the face. (Jay Leno)

Earlier today, a federal judge sentenced Scooter Libby to 30 months in prison for lying. I believe prison is not the place to be when your nickname is Scooter. (Jay Leno)

Lewis Scooter Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Cheney, is going to the hoosegow for outing Valerie Plame as a CIA agent. Scooter Libby’s getting a 30-month sentence and a $250,000 fine and, of course, an opportunity to discover Islam. (Jon Stewart)

Some speculate President Bush will pardon Libby right before he serves jail time, while others know he will. (Jon Stewart}

The White House refused to answer questions Wednesday about whether President Bush will pardon Scooter Libby. He lied to federal investigators, got caught and is now going to jail. This just shows that we’ll never see Bill Clinton’s like again. (Argus Hamilton)

ANDREW SPEAKER (THE TB GUY)

Travelling TB patient Andrew Speaker strongly denied that the CDC told him not to travel. Actually, it’s not that the CDC didn’t know he was going to travel, it’s just that nobody could believe that anyone would be crazy enough to travel through the Atlanta airport. (Jake Novak)

With so many candidates for the presidential nomination running in both parties — some of them little known — Andrew Speaker, the so-called “TB Guy,” would do well if he also entered the race. He’s more famous than most of them, and he’d probably do the rest of us less harm. (Scott Witt)

Tuberculosis patient Andrew Speaker gave interviews Wednesday from his hospital ward in Denver. He sneaked across the U.S. border, ignored federal authorities, and wound up with free hospitalization. He’ll end up at a clinic in Mexico, teaching classes on how to do it. (Argus Hamilton)

Atlanta’s Andrew Speaker caused a panic by flying around with drug-resistant tuberculosis Tuesday. His father-in-law is a scientist who studies drug-resistant tuberculosis. Most guys just give their son-in-law the down payment for the new house. (Argus Hamilton)

Andrew Speaker was hospitalized in Denver Friday after flying around the world with contagious tuberculosis. He posed for pictures with his bride, who wore a mask over her mouth and nose. Apparently tuberculosis requires women to live by Muslim law. (Argus Hamilton)

The Centers for Disease Control admitted Friday that they can’t legally prevent contagiously sick people from flying. The only safe way to travel is in your car by yourself. California is demanding extra highway funds just for being right all along. (Argus Hamilton)

The TB patient who flew to Europe and back has apologized to his fellow air passengers who may be affected by his illness. He says he has been living in a constant state of fear and anxiety. Mostly from flying on Delta. (Jim Barach)

WILLIAM JEFFERSON

Democratic Congressman William Jefferson has been indicted on racketeering charges. He faces a life surrounded by hardened criminals. And, if he’s not reelected, he could go to jail. (Alan Ray)

Congressman William Jefferson of New Orleans was indicted Monday on corruption charges. Ninety thousand dollars cash was found in his office freezer. Every time the Washington D.C. madam puts it down the front of her blouse it makes for a good show. (Argus Hamilton)

U.S. Rep. William Jefferson [D-LA] was indicted Monday on federal charges of racketeering, soliciting bribes and money-laundering… all crimes he must have comitted before going into politics, since racketeering, soliciting bribes and money-laundering are actually what most Congressmen are expected to do for a living. (Jake Novak)

Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson was indicted Monday on multiple counts of corruption. Among the evidence, $90,000 in cash found hidden in frozen food boxes in Jefferson’s freezer. Now, I know it sounds bad, but it was actually just some boxes of Jimmy Dean’s “money-wrapped sausage on a stick.” (Jon Stewart)

On the downside, Jefferson faces 235 years in prison. On the upside, now we know what it takes for the federal government to pay some attention to a black man from New Orleans (Jon Stewart)

THE CANDIDATES

The “Law and Order” TV series has gone into summer reruns, which frees up actor Fred Thompson to pursue the presidency. Of course, old habits are hard to change, and Thompson says his White House will also go into reruns. The conservative candidate pledges to set the country back 100 years. (Scott Witt)

Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney says he will donate his salary as president to charity. He just needs to collect a billion dollars from donors first so he can run his campaign. (Jim Barach)

Mitt Romney, once a supporter of gay rights and equality, has declared he will take a stand against same-sex civil unions and marriages. “If I become President, I will make sure the role of the traditional family is upheld. I think marriage is a union between a man, a woman, a woman, and another woman, not between two men or two women, with the exception of those women also being married to a man. If I become President, I will make sure that we can return to these basic family values of one father, and many, many mothers.” (BigFib.com)

There’s a “new” Rudy Giuliani, one who listens to those who criticize him. What happened? His campaign manager says Rudy was coached by a Hollywood press agent who taught him the importance of sincerity. And then he taught him the best ways to fake it. (Scott Witt)

Democratic presidential candidate Bill Richardson announced Friday he’s selling his stock holdings in an oil refinery company. Shrewd move. Oil stocks will never be higher than eighteen months before a Democratic president nationalizes the oil industry. (Argus Hamilton)

Presidential Candidate John Edwards admits he never read the National Intelligence Estimate before voting for the war in Iraq. Unfortunately it wasn’t available on the coffee table at any of the salons he visits. (Jim Barach)

John Edwards is calling for an investigation of the oil companies’ mergers and possible anti-trust violations. The first one hundred years of violations will just fall under the “grace period”. (Jim Barach)

There are three new books out this week about Hillary Clinton. One for each of her positions on the Iraq War. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton says her religious faith helped her cope with her husband’s infidelity. Ans she says that every night, she asks God for guidance, strength, and to cut Bill’s balls off. (Jake Novak)

Carl Bernstein’s book about Hillary Clinton, “A Woman In Charge” paints the New York Senator as someone who camouflages her real self for political gain. He makes her sound like some sort of politician. Ironically, her husband Bill camouflages himself so he can sneak back into the house late at night. (Jim Barach)

There are a whole bunch of books about Hillary Clinton. According to a biography of Hillary by Carl Bernstein, Bill Clinton planned to divorce Hillary. And when a”ked why she stayed married, Hillary was quoted as saying, “There are worse things than infidelity.’ To which Bill Clinton said, “Yeah. Fidelity.” (Jay Leno)

According to the Boston Herald, observers are saying that Hillary Clinton looks like she’s had some work done. In fact, she has changed her appearance so much in the last year, at one of the campaign rallies, Clinton accidentally hit on her. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton spoke at a Democratic Party event in Iowa Sunday and drew loud cheers. She really needed the lift. Last weekend Hillary lapsed into a two-minute coughing fit during a commencement speech in New Orleans and now nobody will fly with her. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton’s Beverly Hills donors were asked to remove their shoes at her fundraiser at the home of Hollywood director Brett Ratner. There’s a good reason. A local city ordinance states that no one’s allowed to be taller than the director. (Argus Hamilton)

On lightning striking Rudy Giuliani while he was speaking about abortion at the GOP debate: “No, it was not a coincidence. That was divine endorsement. Or, in this case, God saying, “Vote for anybody but Rudy Giuliani.” And God said onto the people of New Hampshire, “a thrice-married New York City cross-dresser, oh, for the love of me.” (John Oliver)

Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is paying his wife $125,000 a year to help him write his speeches. She’s writing his speeches for him, and you can tell. Like last week, he gave a speech about what awful bitches the first two wives were. (Jay Leno)

In an Internet survey: 58% said they are not impressed by any of the presidential candidates. What America needs right now is a leader who is as smart as I was when I was 16. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Fred Thompson will not be participating in Tuesday night’s Republican presidential debate on CNN. Luckily, voters will still see plenty of Thompson since “Law & Order” re-runs will be playing on every other station. (Jake Novak)

They say it’s just a matter of time before former senator and ‘Law & Order’ actor Fred Thompson gets into the Republican race. Apparently, 10 rich white guys doesn’t offer enough choices to the voters. They need 11 rich white guys. (Jay Leno)

Actor and former Senator Fred Thompson, who left the TV show “Law & Order”, has yet to announce he’s running for president but he’s already third in the polls among Republicans. Isn’t that amazing? He leaves NBC, and his ratings automatically go up. (Jay Leno)

Do you realize if Fred Thompson runs against Hillary Clinton, it’ll be “Law & Order” versus “Cold Case”? (Jay Leno)

Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says if Osama bin Laden is captured, a lot more Americans would rather see him tried in court rather than killed right away. Actually more Americans would just like to see Dennis Kucinich killed right away. (Jake Novak)

GOP maverick candidate Ron Paul appeared on the Daily Show Monday. The former doctor said he doesn’t believe in the principle of government-run health care and never took any money from Medicare. It would be a lot more principled if he weren’t an obstetrician. (Argus Hamilton)

THE DEBATES

The Democrats held a presidential debate in New Hampshire Sunday and it was a lot of fun. At the end of a Republican debate, America is about to be attacked, Abdul-Somebody has weapons of mass destruction and there are terrorists in the control towers, but at the end of a Democratic debate, the war is over, college is free, everybody has health care and the Cubs are in the World Series. (Argus Hamilton)

Republicans held a presidential debate Tuesday at St. Anselm College in New Hampshire, where the candidates were forced to defend the president’s war and the president’s immigration reform bill. You have to feel sorry for these guys. Ronald Reagan left his party a legacy and George W. Bush left them a Superfund clean-up site. (Argus Hamilton)

Speaking of threats to public safety, I don’t know if you watched the Democratic presidential debate last night, I didn’t. But I assume I would have been really impressed with the way Hillary, Obama, and Edwards cemented their status as frontrunners; Gravel said somethin’ batsh*t crazy; Richardson talked about New Mexico; Biden said you can’t ship Richardson back to Mexico; and Kucinich called for the deployment of an all-butterfly army. (Stephen Colbert)

The Democratic Party presidential candidates pointed fingers at each other’s war vote in their debate Sunday. Everyone tried in vain to get Hillary Clinton to admit she was wrong. This woman doesn’t admit her mistakes, she stays married to them. (Argus Hamilton)

Last night, CNN hosted the second in a series of infinite Democratic debates. Most people feel candidates should get more time to answer the questions than contestants on “Deal or No Deal” get. (Jon Stewart)

During last night’s Democratic debate, all the candidates said if they were elected, they would get rid of the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” for gay soldiers. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” would be replaced by a new policy, “Don’t tell me you’re wearing those boots with that gun.” (Conan O’Brien)

In a forum for Democratic candidates, Hillary Clinton said her faith in God got her through her husband’s infidelity. She didn’t say which one, but it got her through. She said faith and prayers kept her in her marriage. That and her ambition to be senator and president. (Jay Leno)

In the Democratic debate the other night, the most prominent candidates got the most questions. Obama got 16, Hillary got 15, Edwards got 13. Poor Chris Dodd waited 41 minutes before he got a single question. And that question was, “Uh. What’s your name again?” (Jay Leno)

So nobody saw the Republican debate last night? There haven’t been that many white people on TV since NBC canceled “Friends.” (Jay Leno)

The format CNN had for the GOP presidential debate made it look like the Miss Universe beauty pageant, all the candidates introduced themselves on stage stating their State of origin and credentials. The only main difference with a Miss America beauty pageant was that when they had the Q&A session of the contest none of the candidates wished for world peace. (Pedro Bartes)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush tours Eastern Europe. To people who find him arrogant, irrelevant, and unsophisticated, he’s got one message. “My fellow Americans, I will be home soon.” (Alan Ray)

President Bush is assuring Russia that they need not fear America’s missile defense system… especially since we’ll probably never figure out how to use it. (Jake Novak)

President Bush’s push for amnesty has a big fan in Scooter Libby. Scooter thinks amnesty would be great. (Scott Witt)

In the latest erosion of President George W. Bush’s job approval rating, a new poll released today reveals that Mr. Bush is now less popular among the American people than the so-called “TB Guy,” Atlanta attorney Andrew Speaker. The poll results are historic since they mark the first time that a sitting president has been deemed less popular than a quarantined disease carrier. (Andy Borowitz)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The Secret Service has been erasing logs of visitors to Vice President Cheney’s residence. Surprisingly, he’s had some. Mostly Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Orkin man – although that may have been Tom DeLay. (Michael Feldman)

Vice President Dick Cheney said today the surge policy is working. In fact, gas prices have surged almost $4 a minute. (Jay Leno)

THE REPUBLICANS

Newt Gingrich calls Karl Rove’s 2004 election strategy “maniacally dumb”. Which says even less about the American voters since it worked. (Jim Barach)

THE CONGRESS

The U.S. Senate debated the Immigration Reform Bill all day Tuesday. Landscapers and construction workers and farm workers now illegally come to the U.S. and their cash is sent back to their families in Mexico. This is why in Telemundo’s poll of Best-Known Americans, Ben Franklin wins every year. (Argus Hamilton)

THE COURTS

A federal court has rejected the FCC’s policy of fining broadcast stations for profanity on the airwaves, telling the FCC to go f— itself. (Scott Witt)

THE STATES

A new California law allows gay prisoners to have conjugal visits with their same sex partners. This law is called the “Taking Sand To The Beach” law. (Alex Kaseberg)

Gay inmates in California prisons will be allowed conjugal visits under a new policy. The old policy was conjugal visits by cellmates whether they were wanted or not. (Jim Barach)

13% of Vermont citizens say they favor seceeding from the Union. This comes as a shock to most Americans who thought Vermont seceeded from the Union the day it made Howard Dean governor. (Jake Novak)

New Hampshire Governor John Lynch has signed a law legalizing civil unions for gay couples. The question is, how many more Bed and Breakfasts can possibly fit into the state? (Jim Barach)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is being accused of buying and smoking a Cuban cigar on a visit to Ottawa. So an Austrian national from California smokes a Cuban Cigar in Canada. That sounds like a violation of at least three provisions of the Immigration Bill right there. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

The statistics are out: New York City is now the safest big city in the nation. It’s all due to Mayor Bloomberg’s $50 fine for murder. (David Letterman)

Los Angeles residents were urged on Wednesday to cut water usage by 10 percent in the driest year on record. In a written statement LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa demanded that illegals enter the country already bathed. (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A low-level researcher at Yale University has been arrested for a scam he was running out of the Yale Law library. The guy claimed to be a lawyer and was charging illegal immigrants $5,000 a piece to get a greencard. They say this is the biggest scam pulled off at Yale since, I guess, George Bush got his diploma (Jay Leno)

Four people in New York have been arrested for billing their health insurance company for twenty brain operations that were never performed. The insurance paid without questioning the number of procedures. Which proves the point that health insurance isn’t brain surgery. (Jim Barach)

TERRORISM

Investigators say the men who plotted an attack on JFK Airport in New York wanted to “punish” the United States. Although it’s hard to conceive of anything that’s punished Americans more in the last 40 years than JFK Airport. (Jake Novak)

How about that thing over the weekend? The authorities busted that plot. They were going blow up the pipeline to JFK. Here’s the scary part: it turned out the guys doing this were called homegrown terrorists. And who says President Bush hasn’t created new jobs? (David Letterman)

The two men held in Trinidad on an alleged terror plot to blow up fuel tanks and destroy JFK Airport are fighting extradition to the United States. It’s not that they don’t want to face a trial, it’s just that like most Americans, they really don’t want to fly into JFK (Jake Novak)

IMMIGRATION

President Bush has called immigrants “people willing to risk everything for the dream of freedom,” and characterized America as “a blessed and promised land in desperate need of mowing.” (Patrick Gorse)

The New York Times decided to back the immigration reform bill Wednesday. They commissioned a poll which found that most Americans favor the bill. The newspaper got a price break on the poll because it has a margin of error of one hundred percent. (Argus Hamilton)

About half of the seven thousand Iraq refugees coming into the U.S. will be relocated to Detroit. Apparently the government wants the refugees from a war-torn, economically depressed area to move somewhere that will have a familiar feel. (Jim Barach)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

China may back out of an agreement to lend two giant pandas to the National Zoo in Washington because the Zoo’s facilities are not up to Chinese standards. A Chinese official said “For example, the zoo has no army tanks to crush the pandas if they demonstrate.” (Conan O’Brien)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Prince Charles says that to send a proper message to the people, he will now fly commercial instead of private jets. Of course, for security that means all other passengers will be asked to take another flight. (Jim Barach)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas warned Tuesday that his people are on the verge of civil war. So, I guess all the killing of each other they’ve been doing for the last 100 years was just a warm up. (Jake Novak)

THE U. N. & INTERNATIONAL

A U.N. team is spending $10 million a year still looking for WMD in Iraq. Apparently O.J. Simpson is planning to join as a consultant just as soon as he finds Nicole’s murderers. They’d be better off spending that $10 million trying to find the $9 billion that disappeared there as well. (Jim Barach)

This week, President Bush is at the big G8 Summit in Germany. Many Germans are protesting his visit. See, that’s when you know things are bad when the Germans think you’re invading too many countries. (Jay Leno)

At the G-8 Summit in Germany, President Bush and world leaders are encircled by an eight-foot-high chain-link fence topped by razor wire. Their three-day meeting could inspire a brand new production of Hogan’s Heroes. (Argus Hamilton)

Leaders from the eight wealthiest countries in the world are gathering in Germany for what they call the G8 Summit. The G8 was created in 1975 to give Europeans who aren’t into soccer something to riot about. President Bush is there. See, I don’t think President Bush really understands the G8. Every time someone says G8, he yells out, “Bingo.” (Jay Leno)

President Bush is out of the country traveling to Europe for the G-8 summit. At one point, protesters got so out of hand, police used a water cannon on them. President Bush did his part by pulling out his Super Soaker. (Conan O’Brien)

The Global Peace Index rates the U. S. in 96th place for peaceful nations, finishing between Yemen and Iran. Ironically, those are two nations at the top of President Bush’s list of “Countries to Invade.” (Jim Barach)

THE ECONOMY

Today the Dow and the NASDAQ suffered their worst point loss ever. Apparently Bill Gates spent the day designing a Windows product he could jump out of. (Conan O’Brien)

Native American Indian tribes reported income of twenty-six billion dollars last year from gambling revenue. This could be catastrophic. If the Arab countries ever find out there’s something more profitable than oil, we’ll have to run our cars on spit. (Argus Hamilton)

HEALTH

The Center for Disease Control is predicting a big drop in sexually transmitted diseases. That’s because Paris Hilton is in jail. (Alex Kaseberg)

The FDA urged consumers Friday not to buy toothpaste made in China like Doctor Cool toothpaste and Everdent. It contains anti-freeze. Until it’s pulled off the shelves you can pretty much assume that the whiter the smile, the drunker the teenager. (Argus Hamilton)

Getting married can have significant psychological benefits for those suffering from depression, according to a study published today in the Journal of Larry King.(Andy Borowitz)

There’s a man suing the maker of an energy drink, claiming the drink gave him an endless erection. This means you can sue people who have that kind of effect on you. See you in court, Orlando Bloom. (Craig Ferguson)

Here’s some good news? a woman in Milwaukee gave birth to a 13 pound 12 ounce baby girl last week. Thirteen pound 12 ounces. Doctors say the baby will be walking before the mother. (Jay Leno)

Scientists in England announced yesterday that they’re on schedule to completely cure blindness within five years. They could actually do it sooner but they want to give eye-seeing dogs plenty of time to find another job. (Pedro Bartes)

THE WEATHER

The Los Angeles area is suffering through a record drought. Everyone is conserving. To cut back on water, Lindsay Lohan will drive with straight Scotch. (Alan Ray)

We’ve had huge rain storms all the way from Minnesota to New York. Or as Al Gore calls it, global leaking. (David Letterman)

CELEBRITIES

Jack Kevorkian walked out of prison accompanied by Mike Wallace, the only reporter brave enough to go that near the infamous Dr. Death. At 89, Wallace figured he doesn’t have much to lose. (Scott Witt)

Fresh out of prison, assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian will join Larry King tonight on CNN. Well, it’s good that Kevorkian is immediately going where he’s needed most. (Jake Novak)

After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on ‘Larry King Live.’ When Kevorkian saw Larry King, he said, “I swear, he was like that when I got here” (Conan O’Brien)

Lindsay Lohan went into rehab Tuesday after a drunk driving arrest. Her studio said they will delay shooting her next movie until she’s out. Hollywood is full of actresses who never touched alcohol or drugs but nobody would pay a nickel to see them. (Argus Hamilton)

Lindsay Lohan has blamed paparazzies for her latest problem with the abuse of alcohol and drugs because she cannot live a normal life. She claims that now there’s no place to hide from papparazies anymore. The White House immediately decided to launch a special paparazzi unit to find Osama Bin Laden. (Pedro Bartes)

Paula Abdul says she has been diagnosed with RSD- Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, a painful condition. Until now, it was assumed her bizarre behavior was another RSD- Randy, Simon, Drugs. (Jim Barach)

Rosie O’Donnell is coming out with a book titled “Celebrity Detox.” Finally, an unrestricted forum where Rosie can say what she really feels without holding back so much. (Alex Kaseberg)

Billy Joel has just bought a new home in the Hamptons. It’s the perfect place for Joel as it has 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, and a wrecked 3-car garage. (Jake Novak)

RELIGION

Authorities from Liberty University continue to deny that Falwell’s last words were, “I hope Anna Nicole went to Heaven.” (Bongo News)

A man in the Vatican tried to leap into Benedict the 16th’s Popemobile this morning. That’s how you know the price of gas is high. People are trying to carpool with the Pope. (Gorsefeathers)

CULTURE

A Philippines man was shot to death in a Karaoke bar for singing out of tune. In the U.S. that will get you into the finals of “American Idol”. (Jim Barach)

HISTORY

Yesterday Americans celebrated the 63rd anniversary of the D-Day, when Americans landed in Normandy and turned the tide of World War II. Actually, for president Bush D-Day was any other day after an exam in school. (Pedro Bartes)

An exhibit at the National Archives shows that not all of our presidents were good students. Lyndon Johnson got a “D” in third grade grammar. John Kennedy got a “55” in 8th grade Latin. George W. Bush proudly displays the “A” he got in coloring. At Harvard. (Jim Barach)

BUSINESS

Aviation Weekly said Tuesday airlines may soon charge for blankets and pillows and soft drinks to keep ticket prices low. It’s already begun. On Air France they charge you two hundred dollars extra if you want to sit in the non-tubercular section. (Argus Hamilton)

Dell Computers will cut 10% of their work force in the next year. That will come as a major blow to labor officials in India. (Jim Barach)

One response to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-09-07 (HUGE POST!)

  1. Mahendra Palsule

    Hilarious and entertaining! 🙂

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