WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-16-07


From Stan Kegel:

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

In an interview in Marie Claire magazine, the beautiful Angelina Jolie says it’s easier for her to hold a conversation when she’s naked. She’s more comfortable talking when she’s nude. Well, can’t we book her on the show? (Jay Leno)

The buried bones of a-200,000-year-old Mastodon were discovered in Carlsbad; there was an awkward moment when they asked Gov Schwarzenegger what he thought of the buried bones, Arnold said; “The Bury Bones is zah tremendous home run hitter but he took zah steroids, yah.” (Alex Kaseberg)

This just in. Congress today voted to take enough money from the U. S. border security budget to build a 20-foot wall around Paris Hilton. A mobile wall — one that goes wherever she goes. Some say it’s welfare — others say it’s homeland security. (HaBlog)

Tonight marks the final episode of The Sopranos. From now on, people wanting to watch organized crime in New Jersey will just have to tune in to the State Legislature. (Jake Novak)

According to a new poll out today, Hillary Clinton’s lead in the polls is due to her support by women. See, she’s attracting the woman vote and Bill is attracting the other woman vote. (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant is upset about being labeled a petulant brat despite his recent on-and-off trade demands and belittling his teammates and owner in the press. In fact, Kobe is so upset at the label petulant brat, if it doesn’t stop, Kobe is going to hold his breath until he is blue. (Alex Kaseberg)

A billboard in Florida resembling a giant name tag reading “Hello, my name is Hugh Jass,” has incensed parents because it’s near a children’s playground. Parents in Hollywood, Fla., were surprised an area radio station would place the sign so near a playground and asked city officials to remove it, The Miami Herald said Wednesday. “I can’t believe they would put that near a park,” said Michelle Aarons, a mother of two. In response to such complaints, Hollywood city officials asked the radio station to remove the sign from its highly visible location. The station’s owner, ClearChannel Communications, has agreed to remove the sign from its home near the Hollywood Academy of Arts and Science Charter School. (Training To Laugh)

BUSH IN ALBANIA

George Bush was in Albania and his watch was stolen. They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. It’s not a laughing matter. Don’t kid yourselves. It’s an important watch. It’s the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him. (David Letterman)

President Bush was mobbed by adoring crowds in Albania Sunday as he toured the capital. The crowds reached over the rope line and began rubbing the president’s head for good luck. This explains the sense of doom which pervades the entire region. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush received a hero’s welcome on the streets of Albania Sunday. The crowd reached over the rope line to hug him and grab his hands. They knew whoever got his wristwatch could sell it on eBay for enough money to move to a real country. (Argus Hamilton)

I have good news to report. Americans were greeted this week as liberators! The bad news? The country was Albania and we’ve never invaded. To get a pleasant reception, the president only needed to fly to a country referred to as “the poor man’s Kazakhstan.” (Jon Stewart)

Press secretary Tony Snow denied president Bush had his watch stolen in Albania and said that Bush put it in his own pocket. Apparently it is normal for the president to put the watch in his pocket as prevention ; a procedure that he developed throughout the years after shaking hands with so many congressmen. (Pedro Bartes)

Wait, can I just ask a question? How did those people get so close to the president? They’re hugging him, they’re playing with his hair. We’re not even allowed to ask the guy questions (Jon Stewart)

President Bush is back from his big European tour. He became the first president to ever visit Albania. He got a hero’s welcome there. Although there was one awkward moment when he told the crowd, “I love you albino people.” (Jay Leno)

Last week when President Bush was in Albania, they named a street after him. During the street naming ceremony, Bush told the Albanians, “I am honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard” (Conan O’Brien)

People were lining the streets, waiting to cheer President Bush. In this country he has a 28% approval rating, but in Albania, he’s a God. It’s like that whole David Hasselhoff’s a star in Germany. He was so popular over there Albania actually named a street after President Bush. It’s a dead end street, but it’s the thought that counts. (Jay Leno)

PARIS HILTON

More problems today for Paris Hilton in prison. Apparently she saw another woman wearing the exact same outfit that she had on. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton was freed from Los Angeles County jail Thursday pending a hearing Friday. What an eerie week. With Paris Hilton in jail, Rosie O’Donnell off The View and President Bush in Europe, three out of four Americans suspected they had gone deaf. (Argus Hamilton)

You’ll be happy to know that Paris Hilton is back in jail. If this is an episode of ‘Punk’d,’ it’s the best episode ever. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Paris Hilton is now back in jail. Paris Hilton tried to testify over the phone but the judge ordered her to show up in person. The judge said he didn’t want to talk to Paris on the phone because she charges three dollars a minute. (Conan O’Brien)

Paris Hilton was ordered back into jail by a Los Angeles judge to complete her forty-five day sentence on Friday. The county supervisors were flooded with phone calls from people complaining about the sentence. By a five-to-one margin, they favored execution. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton last year flunked a roadside sobriety test in West Hollywood even though witnesses said she had just one martini. It’s a lesson for every starlet in town. They will test drunk just by walking through the bar if they don’t start eating. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton was driven back to jail Friday with news helicopters overhead. It was celebrity justice long overdue. Everybody always hoped that someone would go to jail for killing Nicole Brown Simpson, but nobody thought it would be Paris Hilton. (Argus Hamilton)

Al Sharpton flew to Los Angeles Friday to complain about Paris Hilton’s special treatment. He said it shows there’s racism in Los Angeles. A race riot was narrowly avoided when Al Sharpton neglected to provide a Spanish translation for his comments. (Argus Hamilton)

Al Sharpton was here today. He flew out. He had a press conference to discuss how he felt Paris was getting preferential treatment. He was mad. In fact, he called her “a nappy-headed ho.” (Jay Leno)

In a phone interview, Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters that she has discovered god in jail. Yeah, in fact Paris said that praying is now her second favorite thing to do while down on her knees. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton called Barbara Walters from prison Monday to say she is giving up her dumb act. The heiress said she’s not the ditzy character she plays in public. She said while in prison she found G-d, but was baffled as to why G-d was in prison. (Argus Hamilton)

Officials say the cost of keeping Paris Hilton in jail is 11 times the cost of the average inmate. Taxpayers described the cost of keeping Paris in jail as totally worth it. (Conan O’Brien)

Paris Hilton announced Monday that she won’t appeal her jail sentence. She must spend the next three weeks in a locked room away from her family and alone with her books. Laura Bush just called the judge and offered to serve the sentence for her. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton has been in jail for three days. They’re already making a movie about Paris Hilton being in jail. I believe they’re calling it “The Bird Brain of Alcatraz.” (David Letterman)

The judge apparently thought it was only fair — Congress denied amnesty for low-wage illegal aliens, so he denied amnesty for rich girl Paris Hilton. The difference being, of course, that 12-million illegal aliens remain on the loose while Paris does not. (Scott Witt)

Paris still has a lot of fans. Paris-ites, I think they are called. Or maybe Parisians. Or my little name for them: morons. (Craig Ferguson)

The judge ordered Paris Hilton back to jail because he said she does not deserve special treatment. The judge pointed out that in Los Angeles, celebrities only get special treatment if they commit murder. (Conan O’Brien)

Paris Hilton is back in jail today. You know what that means Your cards and letters made a difference! Here’s the scary part: In a show of support, Nicole Ritchie is going on a hunger strike. (Jay Leno)

They didn’t televise the proceedings. They didn’t want this to turn into some kind of a media circus. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton is reportedly not sleeping or eating while in jail. So it looks like she has really made herself at home after all. (Jim Barach)

How about that Paris Hilton thing? Isn’t it silly? She was hustled into a squad car; she was screaming for her mother. not a pretty picture. That’s exactly how I left NBC. (David Letterman)

Paris Hilton is adjusting to life in prison. It’s a bit different for her in the joint. A road trip now involves cleaning up the side of it. (Alan Ray)

THE CANDIDATES

Steven Spielberg made a big announcement today: He’s endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. And he’s putting her in his new movie, “Raiders of the Lost Cause.” (Craig Ferguson)

Director Steven Spielberg has announced that he will endorse Hillary Clinton for president. He says he likes Hillary because she combines the warmth of the raptors in “Jurassic Park” with the charisma of the mashed potato tower in “Close Encounters.” You’d think he’d endorse Dennis Kucinich after giving him the lead role in “E.T.” (-Jimmy Kimmel)

Senator Joseph Lieberman says the U.S. should seriously consider a military strike against Iran. Too bad we still haven’t seriously considered our military strike against Iraq. (Jake Novak)

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell says he will endorse the “best person” to be president regardless of party affiliation. And it’s just that kind of savvy judgement and loyalty that have put Powell where he is today… out of work. (Jake Novak)

Mitt Romney has said he wouldn’t practice polygamy even if the Morman Church allowed it, and besides, being president would be tough enough without having to pick which wife would be First Lady, which Second Lady, and so on down the line. (Scott Witt)

Fred Thompson’s on the show tonight. After leaving the Senate, Fred was a regular for years on “Law & Order.” That’s typical Hollywood typecasting. He’s a Republican so Hollywood automatically puts him on “Law & Order.” See, if he was a Democrat, he would have been the young stud pool boy on “Desperate Housewives.” (Jay Leno)

Fred Thompson pulled even with Rudy Giuliani in GOP polls Monday. Fred Thompson played the U.S. attorney in New York while Rudy was the U.S. attorney in New York. So Attorney General Alberto Gonzales could fire them both and save John McCain’s career. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani was in New Hampshire Monday to read out a list of Twelve Commitments he pledges to keep if he’s elected president. He’s had three wives and now he’s got twelve commitments. How on earth did Mitt Romney end up being the Mormon in this race?

Rudy Giuliani told New Hampshire voters Tuesday that Democrats want to take America back to the 1990s, which he said would be a mistake. It might not be. Even if we didn’t catch Osama bin Laden in time, we’d at least know when to get out of tech stocks.

Colin Powell acknowledged Sunday he’s met with Senator Barack Obama to advise him on foreign policy and military matters. It’s obvious. Just last week Obama went to the U.N. to complain that Hillary Clinton has chemical and biological weapons. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Times published a secret Hillary Clinton campaign memo Thursday. It says Bill Clinton has had trouble meeting fundraising goals in California. By the time he gets done with Sharon Stone and the hairstylist, most of the donors have left. (Argus Hamilton)

According to the L.A. Times, Fred Thompson closing in on Giuliani in the polls. He’s second. He’s popular with what they call the Republican base. He’s considered a straight shooter. Don’t confuse that with Dick Cheney, who is a shooter who can’t shoot straight. (Jay Leno)

And here’s the latest on the John Edwards campaign: It turns out that yes, there are two Americas … and neither one is voting for him” –Jay Leno

PRESIDENT BUSH

Tony Snow vows President Bush would twist arms in the U.S. Senate Tuesday to revive the immigration bill. This could get ugly. By the time President Bush twists their arms over immigration and they wring his neck over Iraq, Michael Vick will be able to promote dog fighting as the humane alternative to Washington politics. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush was in Rome and had a big gaffe at the Vatican. President Bush is in trouble for calling the Pope “sir’ instead of “your holiness.” Hey, it could have been worse. I’m surprised he didn’t call him the “Popester” (Jay Leno)

Yesterday at the G-8 summit, President Bush had a meeting with rock star Bono. There was an awkward moment when Bush praised Bono and his band, UTube. (Conan O’Brien)

President Bush finished up his big European trip. He visited with the Pope. They discussed world events, and then caught a matinee of “Knocked Up.” (David Letterman)

President Bush met with the pope on Saturday. There was one awkward moment when he asked the pope, “Hey, how’s Mrs. Pope?” (Jay Leno)

President Bush made a rare visit to Capitol Hill Tuesday for lunch with Senate Republicans to try to win more GOP support for his immigration bill. But the lunch had to be served on paper plates because they couldn’t find any Americans willing to wash the dishes. (Jake Novak)

At the G-8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, “I believe the correct pronunciation is “Abracadabra.” (Conan O’Brien)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Dick Cheney has had like 19 heart attacks and has a pacemaker. He needs a new pacemaker. I guess they wear out from time to time. So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore. (David Letterman)

Former White House counsel and rejected Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers has been subpoenaed by Congress to testify in the fired U.S. attorneys case. It’s proof once again that that Democrats are the only ones who think Harriet Miers knows anything about anything. (Jake Novak)

Vice President Dick Cheney is going into surgery. He’s having a new pacemaker installed. Doctors are confident that Cheney will be up and sneering in no time. (David Letterman)

A federal judge said Thursday he will not delay Lewis “Scooter” Libby’s sentence, and could send the former White House aide to prison within weeks. The judge said that he is afraid that if we don’t send Scooter to jail right now, the screen might go black and we will never know if he committed suicide, went to a Caribbean Island or hunting with Dick Cheney. (Pedro Bartes)

A federal judge has ruled that Scooter Libby cannout remain out of jail while he appeals his sentence. It’s not clear who this disappoints more: Libby or liberal conspiracy theorists who think Dick Cheney rules the world. (Jake Novak)

THE REPUBLICANS

The National Republican Congressional Committee is expected to raise only half of what was raised last year. Apparently the NRCC knows that 2007 has been economically rough for Republicans as they spent most of their money buying books against Hilary and jewelry to their wives to forget about the DC madam. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CONGRESS

A little more than a week after it was published, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt says his offer of up to $1 million for anyone providing proof of an illicit sexual affair with a politician has attracted about 200 tips so far. Of course the 178 of them concerning Harry Reid are just not credible. (Jake Novak)

The U.S. Senate killed the president’s immigration reform bill Friday following a public outcry against amnesty. Supporters of the bill threw buckets of money at lawmakers to try to revive it. Appliance stores in Washington are now advertising office refrigerators with freezers which can hold up to ninety thousand dollars cash. (Argus Hamilton)

Congressman William Jefferson pleaded not guilty to bribery charges Friday. The circumstantial evidence looks bad. Ninety thousand dollars was found in the freezer at his home, and he recently lost three fingers to frostbite. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer backed a medical marijuana bill Wednesday. The reaction was swift. Within the hour, Miami Dolphins running back Rickey Williams asked to be traded to the New York Jets where he could get treatment for his hamstring.(Argus Hamilton)

By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here’s my question: Who are the five people who voted for it? (Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

Crime in this city is at an all-time low! New York City is the safest big city in the United States. It’s all because of Mayor Bloomberg’s tough new program: Three murders, you go to jail. (David Letterman)

The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, has announced he is separating from his wife. As former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani calls that, “The first step to the White House.” (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said Monday he takes full responsibility for his marriage break-up. He won’t discuss rumors of his extramarital affairs. However, it’s an article of faith among Democrats that monogamy is the enemy of free will. (Argus Hamilton)

Some sad news. It looks like the mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa and his wife are separating and heading for a divorce. I understand she’s asking for everything west of La Cienega. (Jay Leno)

The Chicago Transit Authority has announced that there will be new cars on the L-Train ensuring riders of a quieter ride. This will mean that the only people in the city that won’t be able to hear the L will be the people inside riding it. (Conan O’Brien)

THE ARMED FORCES

Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Peter Pace is leaving his job. He’s the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress. (Jay Leno)

The Pentagon has confirmed rumors that it tried to develop a gay bomb — a bomb that used chemicals to make enemy soldiers attracted to one another. A documentary about the gay bomb will be broadcast on both the History Channel and Bravo. Insiders say this will be the biggest gay bomb since “Rent” was made into a movie. They even devoted a special plane to drop the bomb. It’s the Enola Really Gay. (Jay Leno)

TERRORISM

Donald Rumsfeld is facing a personal suit that claims he is responsible for torturing accused terrorists. Unfortunately for the prosecution, three of the four plaintiffs drowned during their deposition. (Jim Barach)

IMMIGRATION

President Bush said today that immigration is good for America. In fact, he’d like to see a lot of Albanians enter the country. (Patrick Gorse)

In an attempt to break the nagging logjam over immigration, congressional leaders announced today that they were hiring illegal immigrants to write the nation’s new immigration bill. (Andy Borowitz)

SECURITY

The government now says it now takes about 12 weeks for an American to get a passport now. A three-month waiting list if you want to get out of the country. But of course to get into the country, there’s no wait at all, you just walk across (Jay Leno)

Weird story, but true. Two drug-sniffing dogs have been fired by airport security for urinating on passengers’ luggage. The drug-sniffing dogs apologized and said, “We were totally high when we did that.” (Conan O’Brien)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

North Korea fired two missiles into the Sea of Japan Thursday for the second time in eleven months. Their dictator had claimed for two years he has missiles that could reach Los Angeles. He didn’t tell us he has to fire them from Santa Monica. (Argus Hamilton)

This is a little frightening. The White House says North Korea has missiles with the capability of being launched in North Korea and landing on the west coast of the United States. I was thinking about this and was like, “Oh hell, that’s Leno’s problem. (David Letterman)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

A cyclone packing huge winds of up to 200 mph has hit the Persian Gulf oil fields. Iranian officials announced today they are still trying to figure out how to blame this on the Jews. (Jay Leno)

Shimon Peres was elected Israel’s ninth president Wednesday. The Israeli presidency is actually only a ceremonial position, and Peres’ nine decades of political irrelevance made him a shoo-in for the job. (Jake Novak)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

There’s something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only crazy, they’re German. You know they’re just getting started. World domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered. (Craig Ferguson)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Vladimir Putin and President Bush relaxed tensions Thursday and they discussed a compromise on where to place a missile shield system. It pays to be cautious when dealing with the Russians. President Bush agreed to consider Putin’s offer of having a missile shield in Azerbaijan but he turned down Putin’s offer of a cup of soup. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

Most Americans in their 60’s say they plan on working into their 80’s or until they pay off their student loans, whichever comes first. (Jake Novak)

SCIENCE

Another whale shark has died at the Georgia Aquarium. Officials say that the shark had stopped eating and been showing erratic and obsessive behavior ever since he watched the final episode of the Sopranos Sunday night. (Jake Novak)

HEALTH

While police are warning parents about a deadly mix of heroin and barbiturates coming out of Texas known as “cheese heroin” that sells for about $2 a hit, there’s apparently an even more addictive item coming out of Texas called “petroleum” that’s currently selling for about $3.50 a hit. (Jake Novak)

Here’s an odd fact, according to the AARP, brushing your teeth causes up to 4,000 injuries a year. To which the British said, “See!” (Jay Leno)

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that people who play excessive amounts of Nintendo Wii may experience shoulder pain and may also never lose their virginity. (Andy Borowitz)

THE WEATHER

Did you realize we are in the middle of a drought here in New York City? I came into work today and everyone was gathered around a moist towelette talking about their weekend. (David Letterman)

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa ordered all residents Thursday to reduce their water use by ten percent due to drought. Tempers are flaring. There’s even a citywide fight over whether Paris Hilton should be forced to take community showers. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Lindsay Lohan out of rehab, then back in rehab. Lindsay Lohan’s 21st birthday party was going to be sponsored by a brand of vodka. If your birthday party is sponsored by a vodka company, perhaps you’re not taking the whole sobriety thing seriously. (Craig Ferguson)

Britney Spears has been telling her friends that she’s planning on getting back together with Kevin Federline. Britney says it wasn’t an easy decision, but she knows in her heart it’s the stupid thing to do. (Conan O’Brien)

Britney Spears’ ex-husband Kevin Federline has backed out of an acting job at an upcoming movie with academy award winner Forrest Whitaker sighting a scheduling conflict. Apparently, the boss at Taco Bell would not let him out of his shift. (Jay Leno)

CULTURE

Last month, about 8,000 Elvis Presley fans flocked to Graceland to commemorate the 21st anniversary of his death. In a related item, viewership on the Home Shopping Network was down 50% Saturday. (Jokes To Go)

The New York Times said Sunday that cocaine use in nightclubs is back in style big-time among young people in their twenties. That’s bad news. The good news is Congress can stop worrying about the projected cost of Medicare in forty years. (Argus Hamilton)

According to a poll by the website HostelBookers.com, 76% of people say that they either had a serious romance, a fling or a one-night stand when they were traveling overseas. The survey was done among presidents visiting the G8 summit. (Pedro Bartes)

HISTORY

A handwritten note from Abraham Lincoln was recently discovered in the National Archives. Because of the electronic age, there are only a few handwritten notes from President Bush. And the writing in crayon makes them hard to read. (Jim Barach)

HOLIDAYS

Flag Day is today. Don’t forget to leave a plate of cookies out for Flaga Clause. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Sunday is Father’s Day. Millions of dads will be greeted by their children with those 3 resounding words. “Where’s my allowance?” (Alan Ray)

Sunday is Father’s Day. What an occasion. He worked two jobs to send us to college. We repay him with a $2.59 card. (Alan Ray)

POLLS & STUDIES

Here’s an interesting statistic – according to “Cosmo”, over 30 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 34 still live with their parents. These men are known as “Star Wars” fans. (Jay Leno)

President Bush hit a new low of thirty-two percent in his personal popularity Thursday. The Republican presidential candidates now face a real dilemma. To get the crowd on their side they don’t know whether to open with a Bush joke or a Clinton joke. (Argus Hamilton)

OTHER

The late President Ford will appear on a stamp in August. Why won’t they put Hillary Clinton on postage?
She never sticks to anything. (Alan Ray)

The Federal Aviation Administration warned Tuesday that air travelers face the worst flight delays in history this summer. It’s the huge volume of vacation travel. The only way to avoid this hassle is to stay home and tip every third person you see. (Argus Hamilton)

A one thousand pound beluga whale was flown in a plane from Chicago to Tacoma, Washington. You think your last flight was unpleasant? Try sitting next to a one thousand pound beluga whale who requests the window seat but then keeps getting up to go to the bathroom. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

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