WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-23-07

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four million got divorced because of somebody they met online. (Jay Leno)

The U.S. Senate grilled the State Department in hearings Monday over the backlog in passport applications. Travel rules vary. You need a passport to travel from the United State to Mexico but to come back you just need a bottle of water and a compass. (Argus Hamilton)

Dick Cheney is asserting that his office is not actually part of the executive branch. How bad things are going for the Bush administration that even Dick Cheney pretends he has nothing to do with it? (Pedro Bartes)

The makers of the diet drug Alli include a disclaimer that Alli can cause uncontrollable diarrhea and they recommend wearing dark clothes and bringing a change of pants with you. Talk about a crappy endorsement. (Alex Kaseberg)

Do you know what you call people in Hollywood who’ve been married for 3 years? Divorced. (David Letterman)

Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong? (Conan O’Brien)

President Bush gave a speech Friday at the National Hispanic Prayer Breakfast held in a Washington D.C. hotel. He wanted to shake hands with everybody afterwards, however he didn’t have the time. His wristwatch is in a pawn shop somewhere in Albania. (Argus Hamilton)

In a campaign ad that’s a spoof of the big ‘Sopranos’ finale, Hillary Clinton plays the part of Tony Soprano in the diner. Anybody know the difference between Hillary Clinton and Tony Soprano? See, Tony Soprano goes to the strip club to get away from his spouse. Hillary Clinton goes to the strip club to find her spouse. (Jay Leno)

Scooter Libby was ordered to jail Thursday for lying to cover up for the White House. He’s from a very wealthy family. Scooter Libby holds the distinction of being the richest person to go to jail this week who never made an Internet sex video. (Argus Hamilton)

The Vatican released its Ten Commandments of Driving in which they encourage you to pray while you drive: Our Father who art in heaven don’t let Lindsay Lohan or Billy Joel cross my path on my way to work. (Pedro Bartes)

MICHAEL BLOOMBERG

Michael Bloomberg’s a billionaire, Bloomberg. He’s so rich, he owns a TV channel dedicated only to money. In 2005, in the mayor’s race in New York, he spent a hundred dollars for every vote. A hundred bucks! Of course he won! For a hundred bucks, I’d vote for the Olsen twins! (Craig Ferguson)

“New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has quit the Republican Party… and has become an Independent…. Bloomberg says he has no plans to be president. Now don’t confuse that with President Bush, who has no plans as president. (Jay Leno)

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is leaving the Republican Party and becoming an Independent, possibly to prepare for a White House run. Well nice try, Bloomberg. You can’t just choose to be Independent. It’s not like being gay. (Stephen Colbert)

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg left the Republican Party yesterday and became unaffiliated; because like in any sinking boat, the rich are the first ones to abandon it. (Pedro Bartes)

On rumors Bloomberg will run for POTUS: I assume some of the media feel that the mayor’s personal wealth could overcome his image as a short, Jewish, effete, Jewish, bachelor, Jewish, presidential candi-Jew. (Jon Stewart)

Even after becoming an independent, it’s still not clear if New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg will run for president. But if elected, he promises to pass a law that will require Americans to step outside the United States every time they want to smoke. (Jake Novak)

Mayor Mike Bloomberg hinted Tuesday that he may run for president. He’s a self-made billionaire and a former defendant in a sexual harassment suit. For the first time in fifteen years comedians aren’t forced to support the Clintons out of self-interest. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

Hillary Clinton picked “You and I,” a Celine Dion song, as part of her political campaign. Not to be outdone, Presidential Republican candidate John McCain also chose another Celine Dion song as part of his political campaign: The theme song of “Titanic.” (Pedro Bartes)

Rudy Giuliani’s South Carolina campaign chairman was caught with five hundred grams of cocaine. He was just doing his job. For months he’s been told that the GOP presidential nomination would go to whichever candidate can energize the base. (Argus Hamilton)

Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promise that if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. Sorry, Scooter, You are going to jail. (Conan O’Brien)

Kind of a scandal brewing for presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani. Yesterday, a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, ‘Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine. (Conan O’Brien)

Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama on Monday said his campaign made a ‘dumb mistake’ when it circulated a memo criticizing Hillary Rodham Clinton’s financial ties to India. Apparently, since he released the info, he hasn’t been able to fix his computer when he calls tech support. (Pedro Bartes)

Steven Spielberg endorsed Hillary Clinton for president Thursday. His motives are no secret in Hollywood. The endorsement virtually guarantees the director of Indiana Jones the movie rights to Bill Clinton’s next love affair in the White House. (Argus Hamilton)

Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an ‘impeach Dick Cheney’ movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger. (jay Leno)

Great day for Hillary Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion. Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She’s a singer best known for doing a song based on a sinking ship. (Craig Ferguson)

Bill Clinton is now stepping into the forefront of his wife’s presidential campaign, accompanying here on trips to Iowa, appearing in campaign ads, and for some reason, privately interviewing all the campaign interns. (Jake Novak)

Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback kicked off a 1,200-mile campaign trip through Iowa. Brownback said, “I’m not gonna stop until I find someone who knows who the hell I am.” (Conan O’Brien)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Do you know who’s being suggested as the next Commissioner of Baseball after he leaves office? President Bush. He’s a big baseball fan. President Bush, Commissioner of Baseball? And you thought the games would never end now. (Jay Leno)

According to USA Today — this is why Congress has such a low approval rating — 72 members of Congress have given over $5 million of campaign money to relatives or companies owned by relatives. There is now a bill in Congress that would ban nepotism in politics. President Bush says he will sign it as soon as he runs it past his dad and brother Jeb. (Jay Leno)

On the rumor that President George W. Bush’s wristwatch was stolen while meeting with crowds in Albania: “I was going through the files and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since – well, Al Gore. (David Letterman)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Vice President Cheney is having his pacemaker replaced this month. It’s a new model with lots of gadgets. This one issues pardons and destroys emails. (Gorsefeathers)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton, it was revealed Thursday, received a six-figure speaking fee from the Boys and Girls Club of America. However, the organization just fired Alex Rodriguez as their spokesman for carousing with strippers. It’s a civil rights case if there ever was one. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

The Republican Party here in California has obtained a special visa to hire a Canadian to be the state deputy political director, ’cause they say they can’t find a qualified American to do the job. Apparently, working for Republicans is one of those icky jobs Americans just don’t want to do. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

Democrats in Congress are extremely mad over the deleted White House emails connected to the U.S. Attorney firing scandal. The Democrats are interested in what every email said, especially the ones that claimed to have non-prescription formulas for penis enlargement. (Jake Novak)

THE COURTS

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Tennessee law aimed at limiting the recruiting of middle school athletes because, “hard-sell tactics could lead to exploitation and foster an environment in which athletics are prized more highly than academics”… which is something that shouldn’t happend until college. (Jake Novak)

THE STATES

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer reversed himself Thursday and endorsed a bill legalizing medical marijuana. He has his reasons. The sales tax is so high in New York that if snack food sales go up just one percent he can give city workers a raise. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

Crime in New York City is at an all-time low. It’s been weeks since I walked through Central Park screaming, “I’m hit! I’m hit!” (Dave Letterman)

THE ARMED FORCES

The Pentagon reportedly planned a “gay bomb” that would unleash hormones to turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals who were more concerned about sex than fighting. The alternative plan was just to invade Greece. (Jim Barach)

THE LAW

North Carolina has disbarred Duke lacrosse team prosecutor Mike Nifong for dishonesty, fraud and deceit. Or, as it’s called among lawyers, ‘professionalism.’ (Alan Ray)

Durham prosecutor Mike Nifong was disbarred Saturday over his misconduct in the Duke rape case. What a mess. He was found guilty of dishonesty, misrepresentation, fraud and deceit, or as it’s known in the legal community, the four basic food groups. (Argus Hamilton)

Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning. He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining people’s lives in the private sector now. (Jay Leno)

Is it me, or have all the judges gone nuts? They used to just dispense justice now they’re all crazy. There’s the crying judge in Florida, there’s the judge in D. C. who’s suing the dry cleaners for $67 million because they lost his pants. If I had a nickel for every time I lost my pants… but there were no dry cleaners involved. (Craig Ferguson)

TERRORISM

Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it’s because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it’s an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it’s not terrorism. Maybe it’s Maybelline. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Paris Hilton went back to a women’s jail Thursday after spending a week in the county medical detention center. They’ve had to post extra guards around her cell during visitors hours. That’s because all her girlfriends are built like skeleton keys. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

More than 36,000 couples were married in a special ceremony in New Delhi, India on Sunday. There was a message involved. It was a move by that country to halt the activity known as sex. (Alan Ray)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

The White House announced that this summer President Bush plans to meet with the president of Mexico. The two presidents will meet in the capital of Mexico… Los Angeles. (Conan O’Brien)

Mexico City is considering legalizing prostitution. Apparently they are looking at all the options to try to keep at least some men on their side of the border. (Jim Barach)

In an essay published on Friday, Fidel Castro said the U. S. will never have Cuba. Never have? We already have. It’s called Miami. (Jay Leno)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Let’s begin tonight in Iraq, where the United States coalition forces are staging a massive attack against al Qaeda in the Diyala province, now considered Iraq’s most violent region. Which is something akin to being, say, The Village People’s gayest member. (Jon Stewart)

Over the weekend in the West Bank, Palestinian gunmen overtook the former home of Yasser Arafat and stole his Nobel Peace Prize. After hearing about it, the Dalai Lama said, “If anybody messes with my Nobel Peace Prize, I will f*** them up” (Conan O’Brien

Now that Mahmoud Abbas has expelled Hamas from his government, the U.S. and EU have resumed sending aid to the Palestinians. This means Palestinian women can have enough food to feed their children before sending them off to suicide bombing school. (Jake Novak)

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas harshly criticized the Islamic Hamas on Wednesday for taking over Gaza last week, saying its members were “murderous terrorists”… sounds like someone is just a little jealous. (Jake Novak)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

There’s something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only crazy, they’re German. You know they’re just getting started. World domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered. (Craig Ferguson)

The airport in Milan, Italy, had to be shut down because it was overrun by rabbits. Animals are out of control. Italian rabbits at the airport. Last week, German squirrels were attacking people. German and Italians working together. Does this sound familiar? (Craig Ferguson)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

I guess you heard, there’s a huge problem with the Russian space station. The computers failed. The whole computer system went down. Pretty scary. But they’re hoping they can fix the problem and call tech support when they fly over India. (Jay Leno)

THE U. N. & INTERNATIONAL

United Nations chief nuclear weapons inspector Mohamed ElBaradei tried to cool tensions between the U.S. and Iran Thursday. He said it would be an act of sheer madness to attack Iran over its refusal to freeze their nuclear program. So it’s a go. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

Americans drove fewer miles in 2005, the first decrease in twenty five years. The number one reason for less travel was no job to go to. (Jim Barach)

HEALTH

A New York doctor claims that he has invented a cream that makes women’s orgasms much more intense. Apparently, the cream works best when applied by Brad Pitt. (Conan O’Brien)

Some insurance companies won’t pay for Viagra unless men can prove that they’re impotent. Which means that you are at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist. (Conan O’Brien)

The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas. (Conan O’Brien)

The makers of the diet drug Alli included a disclaimer that Alli can cause bad diarrhea. As a result, they are now touting Alli as an effective cough suppressant because, the diarrhea is so bad, you’ll be too afraid to cough. (Alex Kaseberg)

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that people who play excessive amounts of Nintendo Wii may experience shoulder pain and may also never lose their virginity. (Andy Borowitz)

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