WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-30-07

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE DAY

Vice President Dick Cheney is asserting that his office is not actually part of the executive branch. How bad are things going for the Bush administration that even the vice president pretends he has nothing to do with it? (Pedro Bartes)

Scientists have figured out a way to make mice give birth to rats. Finally a solution to our rat shortage! (David Letterman)

Robin Williams is under fire from Catholics for making a joke about priests and pedophiles. A Catholic spokesperson actually argued that many priests charged are not technically pedophiles as they molested young teenagers, not children. Is everyone else as relived as I am?`(Alex Kaseberg)

John Bolton has resigned as US ambassador to the UN. During his tenure, he strengthened ties with America’s foreign allies. And the delegation from Pago Pago says “thank you.” (Alan Ray)

I guess you’ve heard by now, there’s a video of Kobe Bryant trashing his fellow Lakers. The good news? This is the first evidence that Kobe’s even aware there’s other members on the team. (Jay Leno)

On Paris Hilton’s claim she spent her time in prison reading the Bible: That is why she decided to give her first interview to Larry King. She wanted him to tell her what Moses was really like. (Pedro Bartes)

Air-Tran is sponsoring a free wedding contest at the Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel that includes three nights at the Venetian Hotel, a rental car and a quickie divorce. (Bob Mills)

Peru’s Congress has voted to lower the country’s age of consent to 14. To which Mark Foley immediately announced his candidacy for Peruvian Congressman. (Jim Barach)

Fred Thompson drew wild applause in South Carolina Wednesday saying he opposed illegal immigration and terrorism. What a healer. It’s possible to win both the white vote and black vote in South Carolina if you campaign against Arabs and Mexicans. (Argus Hamilton)

A study says the average woman sleeps with four men during her lifetime. So maybe there is something to Paris Hilton’s claim she is way above average. The average woman sleeps with four men? Aren’t most women married more times than that? Maybe they are including women like Liza Minnelli who marry gay men. (Jim Barach)

A Chinese airline has asked passengers to try not to use the bathrooms in flight, as each flush wastes a liter of fuel. The people who comply on long flights will inadvertently be using their seats as a floatation device. (Jim Barach)

DICK CHENEY

Dick Cheney caused a firestorm Thursday by refusing to allow National Archives auditors to review his handling of classified material as required by law. He told the investigators the law doesn’t apply to him. It’s right there in Nixon’s will. (Argus Hamilton)

On Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him: “He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander. (John Oliver)

Dick Cheney refused to let the National Archives auditors in his office Friday to see how he handles classified information. He refused to allow inspectors. The longer we are in Iraq, the more respect he has for the way Saddam Hussein did things.” (Argus Hamilton)

You don’t need to be a lawyer to know that there are only 3 branches of
government, and one of them is NOT called “Dick Cheney”.

In a move that stunned the Washington establishment, Vice President Dick Cheney today declared the office of the Vice President a new country that he referred to as Veepotuswana. His Chief of Staff and former legal counsel David Addington released a statement in which he explained that the Office of the Vice President had decided, “after a close and thorough reading of the U. S. Constitution”, to “finally fulfill the true intent of the Founding Fathers” by declaring themselves an independent country.

We talked a little bit last night about Vice President ‘Chinny,’ how he is in fact not a member of the executive branch, that he is part VP, part legislator, part she-wolf. How else do you explain his eight teats. (Jon Stewart)

THE CANDIDATES

Ralph Nader talking about running for president again. He’s been accused of being a spoiler. You know what that is? A spoiler is a politician who ruins the chances of another candidate. For example, Al Gore’s spoiler was Ralph Nader. George Bush Sr.’s spoiler was H. Ross Perot. John Kerry’s spoiler was John Kerry. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs “The Sopranos.” In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary’s calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal health. (Conan O’Brien)

Bill Clinton said Thursday his role in his wife’s Sopranos spoof video was not a signal he’ll take a bigger role in her primary campaign. His assigned role for the next eight years is that of faithful, supportive spouse while his wife is the star. Bill Clinton couldn’t be any more in prison if he were out on the golf course with O.J. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton collected millions at a fundraiser at the Sheraton New York on Sunday thrown by Indian-Americans. It’s a tricky phrase. Indian-Americans applies to Americans whose families came from India, not U.S. native tribes, who are known as Casino-Americans. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani spoke at Pat Robertson’s university the other day. He talked of family values. After the second divorce, your lawyer gives you a discount. (Alan Ray)

Rudy Giuliani on Wednesday said the World Trade Center attacks occurred because Bill Clinton didn’t respond strongly enough to the first World Trade Center attack. It just made people love Bill Clinton more. He shortened the war in Iraq by ten years. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani’s campaign chairman in South Carolina was indicted on Tuesday for the possession and distribution of five hundred grams of cocaine. It was an honest misunderstanding. Rudy Giuliani had told him to get him five hundred grams of Rogaine. (Argus Hamilton)

New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg dropped hints this past weekend that he may be open to running for president. This morning he attended a breakfast that raised twelve million dollars to get his campaign rolling. He dined alone with his checkbook. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

In vetoing federal funding for stem cell research, President Bush vowed to protect human embryos even though it’s not clear if they are “alive” or represent life. Of course with his approval ratings, it’s not clear that President Bush is alive either. (Jake Novak)

The White House announced that President Bush will meet with Mexican President Felipe Calderon next month. They have to discuss the growing problem of illegal immigration. The two presidents agreed to meet in Mexico’s capital city, Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush is hosting a visit by the president of Vietnam. He didn? t want to go, but his father couldn’t get him out of it. (Jay Leno)

Earlier this week President Bush took part in the taping of the Ford’s Theatre gala that will air this December on ABC. It’s a Christmas show and they tape it in June. It’s always awkward taping six months in advance. For example, right now President Bush is still without a clear cut strategy for Iraq. But come December … no, I guess we’ll be okay. (Jay Leno)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The CIA released hundreds of pages of internal reports on agency misconduct Tuesday… and that was just the stuff they did Tuesday. (Jake Novak)

THE CONGRESS

Republican Senator Richard Lugar said that President Bush’s Iraq strategy is not working. He also suggested that Lindsay Lohan is a troubled young woman, Dennis Kucinich will not win the Democratic presidential nomination and the Yankees might not make it to this year’s World Series. (Janice Hough)

This week they had the annual congressional baseball game. The House Republicans beat the House Democrats 5-2. Typical of both parties — the Republicans kept stealing, and then after the game, the Democrats demanded a recount.(Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

Lake Tahoe was the site of swift wildfires Sunday which burned fifty-two houses on the California side of the lake. Who knows how long those people will be out of their homes. The construction workers are refusing to rebuild unless they get amnesty. (Argus Hamilton)

in a serious setback for former Florida governor Jeb Bush, new research finds that the eldest children in families tend to have higher IQs than their younger siblings. (Argus Hamilton)

This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2, 000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2, 000 college students responded to the blaze. (Conan O’Brien)

On Mayor Michael Bloom-berg’s leaving the Republican Party: “This act thoroughly decimates the elfin, effete and Jewish wing of the Republican Party. (Jon Stewart)

THE COURTS

A judge on Monday ruled in favor of a dry cleaner that was sued for $54 million over a missing pair of pants. The plaintiff says he will appeal, just as soon as his finishes his $600 million lawsuit against Snickers for not being packed with peanuts and failing to “really satisfy.” (Jake Novak)

The Supreme Court has ruled to spare a Texas man who the court said was too mentally incompetent to be executed. But the court ruled that the man was mentally competent enough to remain President of the United States. (Jake Novak)

The Supreme Court has ruled that race cannot be a factor in the assignment of children to public schools. Immediately after the decision, Clarence Thomas was bused to a lower court. (Jake Novak)

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of allowing almost any group to air political ads on TV, as long as it can afford the costs. In other words, “free speech,” now costs $100,000 for every 30 seconds. (Jake Novak)

THE ARMED FORCES

Staff Sgt. Elizabeth Cowie survived breast cancer earlier this year and is now serving in Iraq… joining the army was apparently the only way she could get health care insurance. (Jake Novak)

CRIME

Let’s review, Paris Hilton has gone to jail, Nicole Richey and Lindsay Lohan could go to jail, Martha Stewart went to prison, actor Tom Sizemore is going to prison. Its official, you now have a better chance to be locked up if you’re a celebrity than if you belong to al Qaeda.`(Alex Kaseberg)

INTERNATIONAL

In Dubai, officials say they want to become the next Orlando. They say the oil money will dry up and they want to build a giant Middle East theme park. They say it’ll be just like Disneyland. The only difference is that every half hour when Prince Charming kisses Snow White, they’ll both be stoned to death for immodesty. (Jay Leno)

GREAT BRITIAN

British Prime Minister Tony Blair left office after 10 years today. President Bush was pretty upset. Although they told President Bush that Blair just went to live on a farm. (Jay Leno)

Tony Blair meets with the Pope, hopefully he’ll get the Swiss Guard deployed to Iraq. Plus, the administration considers closing Gitmo, I assume because it’s cheaper to store our prisoners in India. (Stephen Colbert)

TAXES

Billionaire Warren Buffett bashed Congress Tuesday night for not making the rich pay enough taxes. Of course, Buffett forgot that Congress actually does impose a special added tax on the super rich; it’s called “campaign donations.” (Jake Novak)

SPACE & NASA

On Friday, the space shuttle landed successfully here in California, and it made history. It marked the first time seven people landed here in one vehicle legally. (Jay Leno)

HEALTH

The Department of Health and Human Services officially recognized obesity as a medical illness. Doctors say symptoms include shortness of breath and ‘wideness’ of ass. (Conan O’Brian)

A council of doctors says five million kids may be addicted to video games. The symptoms include holing up in their room, ignoring family and friends and doing badly in school. Otherwise known as being a teenager. (Jim Barach)

A 15 year old Indian boy performed a C-Section under the watch of his parents, both doctors. His parents wanted him to be listed in the Guinness Book of World’s Records as the youngest surgeon. Unfortunately he still came in at two years older than Doogie Howser. The boy’s parents may end up in jail. The boy may end up at an HMO. (Jim Barach)

Last year in this country there were more people killed as a result of firearms than as a result of automobile accidents. A trend that will continue until we can develop a more accurate automobile. (Jonathon Katz)

THE ENVIRONMENT

The U.S. government has taken the bald eagle off the Endangered Species Act’s “threatened” list. Conservationists say this is the result of crackdowns on hunters, better awareness, and Rogaine. (Jake Novak)

SPORTS

A “Sports Illustrated” article lists all the sports stars who have landmarks named after them. Green Bay has a Ray Nitschke Memorial Bridge, Miami has a Don Shula Expressway and coming soon to Atlanta, the Michael Vick Pet Cemetery.`(Alex Kaseberg)

Forty-four year old Evander Holyfield will fight Lou Saverese, 41, Saturday in El Paso. Under Texas Boxing Commission requirements, there will be a “three heart defibrilations” rule in effect. (Bob Mills)

Barry Bonds baseball cards plummeted in value last week when road crowds booed him louder and louder as he neared Hank Aaron’s home-run record. The booing is only going to get worse. Just yesterday he came out in favor of the immigration reform bill. (Argus Hamilton)

USC basketball coach Tim Floyd offered a scholarship to a fourteen-year-old boy who stood out at his summer camp. Last year he signed up another fourteen year old boy. Now you know why the USC Trojans open play this fall in the new Michael Jackson Arena. (Argus Hamilton)

Barry Bonds was running fourth among outfielders in All-Star balloting by fans Wednesday. He can’t win. Last week he ignited a victory by stealing second base and then scoring on a shallow fly ball, and now everyone wants him tested for cocaine. (Argus Hamilton)

Tennessee Titan Pacman Jones was charged with two felonies Tuesday in the Las Vegas strip bar shooting in February. Last week he was involved in another shooting in Atlanta. He plays safety but apparently he doesn’t like to take his work home with him. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

Mel Brooks turned down Cloris Leachman for Young Frankenstein Friday, saying the eighty-one-year-old actress is too old to work on Broadway. It’s his call. Actors always say they want to die on-stage, but they don’t have to pay the insurance premiums. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA

Paris Hilton will do her first interview Wednesday with Larry King. They’re billing it as “cranky meets skanky.” (Jay Leno)

I was sweatin’ like Larry King trying to come up with simple enough questions to ask Paris Hilton. That’s how hot. (Jay Leno)

CELEBRITIES

Now that she is out of jail, Paris Hilton says she’s thankful “she can get back to normal,” and stop doing things that make her uncomfortable, like having sex off-camera. (Jake Novak)

Paris Hilton came strutting out of Los Angeles county jail Monday looking like a supermodel. The first thing she did was to ask her parents to take her to Taco Bell. Just for saying that, she was paid one million dollars by Kentucky Fried Chicken. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton’s neighbors signed a petition Friday asking her to move away. She lives a block above the Sunset Strip. They’ve heard she’s been reading the Bible and straightening out her life, and some things will not be tolerated in West Hollywood. (Argus Hamilton)

L.A. Lakers owner Jerry Buss was in court Tuesday after being arrested for drunk driving with a twenty-three-year-old woman in his car. He’ll probably get community service. Old goats are needed to keep hillside brush under control during fire season. (Argus Hamilton)

Variety said Monday Hugh Hefner’s life will be made into a movie. It covers his career, his sex exploits and his social activism. The script’s not finished, but in the final credits the producers will thank Sir Alexander Fleming for inventing penicillin. (Argus Hamilton)

Elizabeth Edwards called Ann Coulter on Chris Matthews’ ‘Hardball’ yesterday to complain about the attacks on her husband. See, it’s a good thing Coulter hadn’t attacked Rudy Giuliani, or she would have had three angry wives calling. (Jay Leno)

Michael Moore faced possible federal prosecution Friday for trading with Cuba in his movie Sicko. He brought Americans to Havana for treatment he said they could not get in the United States. Blue Cross doesn’t cover underage girls and fine cigars. (Argus Hamilton)

This week, Ozzie Osbourne sold his mansion in Los Angeles. Ozzie said he had to sell the house because he said, “I could never find it.” (Conan O’Brien)

RELIGION

The Catholic Church has issued a Ten Commandments for the Car. The list claims the car should not be used for the occasion of sin. Paris Hilton has apparently already violated three Commandments from the front seat and five in the back seat. (Jim Barach)

EDUCATION

A Virginia middle school has banned all touching, including hugs, handshakes and “high fives”. Teachers complain that it takes away some of the intimate moments they enjoy before having sex with their students. (Jim Barach)

CULTURE

June is national dairy month… which of course means that July will be national lactose intolerance month. (Jake Novak)

HISTORY

The CIA admitted Tuesday the agency recruited the Mafia fifty years ago to try to kill Fidel Castro. The mobsters couldn’t persuade any of Fidel’s lovers to slip poison into his milkshakes. It’s little things like cab fare home that save your life. (Argus Hamilton)

HOLIDAYS

Wednesday is the 4th of July. It’s the day we celebrate our independence. If you have trouble lighting your fireworks, there’s a guy on the customer service line from India to help you. (Alan Ray)

BUSINESS

Nissan announced they are going to build a car in India that will retail for just $3,000. But it’s available only to the Indian people. How about building a car for $3,000 for Americans who lost their jobs to India? Wouldn’t that be better? (Jay Leno)

Wal-Mart is getting an advance shipment of the final Harry Potter book. They have asked their employees not to reveal the ending because they don’t want to spoil it for fans. Wal-Mart said the first thing they did was fire the greeter, who was saying, “Welcome to Wal-Mart; Harry is dead.” (Conan O’Brien)

Chrysler is introducing a gas saving measure that will have a six cylinder engine drop three cylinders when less power is needed. That’s nothing new. Ford cars have been dropping four to seven cylinders whether they need them or not for years. (Jim Barach)

Continental Airlines apologized for an Amsterdam-to-Newark flight Monday night where raw sewage flowed down the aisle. It seemed like a good idea at the time. No one’s ever thought of a better way to prepare two hundred passengers for the transition to Newark. (Argus Hamilton)

Continental Airlines has apologized to passengers for sewage that leaked into the plane on a flight from Amsterdam to New Jersey. Apparently only one lavatory was available because Ralph Fiennes was in the others with flight attendants. (Jim Barach)

OTHER

The U.S. Conference of Mayors convened Friday at the Century Plaza Hyatt Regency in Los Angeles. It was an easy get for Hyatt. If anyone back home had heard their mayor was inside a Hilton in Los Angeles, it would have ruined their political careers. (Argus Hamilton)

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