HUMERUS NEWS for 07-07-07

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE DAY

Healthcare reform is emerging as the top issue of the 2008
presidential campaign. That’s because it’s not even 2008 yet and
we’re all already sick of all the candidates.(Jake Novak)

Researchers at Harvard and McGill Universities claim to have found an
amnesia drug that may help people discard bad memories, while leaving
the rest of their memories intact. The drug was tested successfully
on mice and Alberto Gonzales. (Pedro Bartes)

Robin Williams is under fire from Catholics for making a joke about
priests and pedophiles. A Catholic spokesperson actually argued that
many priests charged are not technically pedophiles as they molested
young teenagers, not children. Is everyone else as relived as I am?
(Alex Kaseberg)

NBA finals MVP, Tony Parker is marrying “Desperate Housewives” co-
star Eva Longoria in France tomorrow. It will be a traditional French
wedding including a French cake, French wine, and after the ceremony,
the couple surrenders to the German army!(Alex Kaseberg)

The U. S. Senate buried amnesty for illegal aliens by defeating the
immigration reform bill Thursday. The same day, the Supreme Court
struck down affirmative action on school admissions. It only took
twenty-four hours for Paris Hilton to drop to number three on the
list of reasons why Los Angeles could burst into flames any minute
now. (Argus Hamilton)

Congress voted itself a $4,400 a year pay raise. Apparently now that
they can’t harass the Pages anymore, they need some extra spending
money to go to the local strip clubs. (Jim Barach)

The Fourth of July was celebrated in America all day Wednesday with
fireworks made in China. They’re not so dangerous. Chinese fireworks
may blow off your hand or put out your eye but they’re still safer
than their pet food, tires and toothpaste. (Argus Hamilton)

The heatwave continues. It was so hot yesterday Ann Coulter didn’t
have the energy to put her foot in her mouth. (HaBlog)

After her 23 day stay in jail, Paris Hilton has flown off to a luxury
resort in Hawaii. This will bring a whole new meaning to going to
Hawaii and getting lei’d.`(Alex Kaseberg)

SCOOTER LIBBY & THE PARDON

President Bush commuted the sentence of Dick Cheney’s former chief of
staff, Scooter Libby, who now won’t have to serve any prison time.
The president wanted to prove everyone wrong: you know, the ones who
said, “He couldn’t get any more unpopular!”(WackyWeek)

President Bush commuted the sentence of Scooter Libby, who was
President Bush’s aide and Dick Cheney’s chief of staff. He won’t
serve any jail time. Paris Hilton is officially twenty-three days
more criminal than the guys who got us into the Iraq war. (Argus
Hamilton)

After commuting Liddy’s prison sentence, Bush says he hasn’t ruled
out a full pardon. And not just for Liddy—-he may include Ann
Coulter, too. (Bob Mills)

President Bush has commuted the sentence of Scooter Libby so he
doesn’t have to go to jail. Scooter won’t be able to work for the
federal government anymore but he may be able to play for the
Cincinnati Bengals. (Gorsefeathers, RadioOnline.com)

Scooter probably has a strong phobia about being in prison and let it
be known that if he ever was in prison he would start squealing and
leaking like a dog strapped to the roof of a station wagon going
60mph….

This from Thursday’s W. H. Press Briefing pretty much says it all: Q:
Scott, is Scooter Libby getting more than equal justice under the
law? Is he getting special treatment? Scott Stanzel: Well, I guess I
don’t know what you mean by “equal justice under the law.” …

President Bush has commuted Scooter Libby’s 2 1/2-year sentence. The
White House it needs to keep the jails clear for Paris Hilton’s
inevitable return. (Jake Novak)

President Bush pardoned ‘Scooter’ Libby, who will not go to prison.
How does that make Paris Hilton feel? A guy who leaked CIA spy
secrets during a war skates and nobody cares, but when they let Paris
out of jail early, the screams of objections could be heard in outer
space. (Alex Kaseberg)

Scooter Libby used his “Get Out Of Jail Free” card – reminding the
big “Dick” that he knows it was him who set the outing of a CIA
undercover agent in motion, something that used to be known as
TREASON…. My, but aren’t those Republicans getting soft on crime
all of a sudden.

THE CANDIDATES

Barack Obama on Sunday reported his campaign raised thirty-two
million dollars in the second quarter. He beat Hillary Clinton by ten
million dollars. His donations come from Democrats who are exhausted
by the whole Clinton psychodrama, while her donations come from
comedians who only want to work half-days for the next eight years.
(Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton’s head strategist, Mark Penn, was accused in a
lawsuit Wednesday of illegally wiretapping a former business partner.
It shocked many people. Bill Clinton just made up his mind he will
only speak to women on the phone in Navajo Code. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton was an hour late to a campaign rally in Des Moines
Monday where he was supposed to introduce his wife to a crowd that
was waiting irritably. It was carefully planned. Her poll numbers are
never better than when he is embarrassing her. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain took drastic measures to save money on his faltering
presidential campaign Monday and cut all his staffers’ pay. It’s a
break that his immigration reform bill went down to defeat. Otherwise
he’d have to pay these people minimum wage. (Argus Hamilton)

Another presidential debate last night. One of 90 scheduled before
the election in November next year. Democrats gathered at Howard
University in Washington, DC. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the
black community. He’s against it and he had some interesting things
to say [on screen: Biden saying he and Barack Obama have been tested
for AIDS]. It looks like Joe Biden has the African American vote
wrapped up ( Jimmy Kimmel)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush is hosting Russian President Vladimir Putin at the
Bush family compound in Maine this week. They’re going fishing and
boating. The press is calling it the ‘Lobster Summit.’ Now, don’t
confuse that with Paris Hilton’s upcoming weekend in Maui. That’s
called ‘Crabfest.’ (Jay Leno)

The White House says President Bush misspoke when he said the
proposed Immigration Bill offers amnesty to illegal aliens. The White
House knows that is the one excuse that everyone will always
believe.. (Jim Barach)

President Bush is relying in the Good Lord to take Castro away. Is he
getting advice from Pat Robertson again? (Jim Barach)

THE ADMINISTRATION

In a bold new strategy to avoid a congressional subpoena, Vice
President Dick Cheney today declared himself a national monument.
(Andy Borowitz)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton told a conference in Yalta Friday the proposed U. S.
missile defense system in Europe is a colossal waste of money and is
creating an unnecessary crisis with the Russians. The major
television networks didn’t report a word he said. There is no such
thing as an unnecessary crisis when you are owned by a defense
contractor. (Argus Hamilton)

SECURITY

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that everyone in
the U.S. should go about their normal activities, “except you
terrorists.” (Andy Borowitz)

An aerial survey shows that a 2-mile fence along the US-Mexican
border is ten feet into Mexico—-will take $3.5 million to correct.
On the plus side, the project will employ 750,000 illegal immigrants.
(Bob Mills)

IMMIGRATION

President Bush’s immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is
not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term ‘failed
to pass”. (Jay Leno)

It was voted down by the Senate. You know, I wondered why the help
at Wal-Mart seemed so testy today. In fact, some illegal immigrants
are so angry, they are threatening to leave the country. (Jay Leno)

NASA & SPACE

The chairman of the House Science Committee says NASA is headed for a
train wreck if it is not funded better. Apparently he means that
astronauts will be forced to take Amtrak instead. (Jim Barach)

IRAQ

Civilian contractors now outnumber US troops in Iraq. Kind of gives a
whole new meaning to the term “can’t buy a victory” doesn’t it? If
you can’t support our troops, will you at least support our
contractors? (Bob Mills)

McCain visits in Iraq, meets with Iraqi prime minister and coalition
military leaders. But despite the senator’s best efforts, they still
think the war was a mistake. (Bob Mills)

IRAN

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad faced a revolt Friday over gas
rationing. The country is the second-biggest oil producer in the
world, but they can’t make enough gas for their citizens. You can
always tell when Jimmy Carter is advising a dictator. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Fidel Castro said Sunday he’s angry the CIA tried to poison him fifty
years ago with a hooker and a milkshake. He’s never been the same. To
this day, whenever he goes to the drive-through he orders the kid
behind to window to test the hooker first. (Argus Hamilton)

Mexico’s President Felipe Calderon blasted the U. S. Senate Thursday
for failing to pass the bill that would have given amnesty to illegal
aliens. He’s upset that people might begin returning to Mexico. He
really enjoys having the place to himself. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

In a clear rebuke of US policy toward Israel, a Palestinian TV
children’s show killed off a Mickey Mouse lookalike. Worse, the deed
was done by a Phil Spector lookalike. (Bob Mills)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

The Chinese government has passed strict laws allowing Chinese
factory workers to join unions. Executives at WalMart had no comment.
(Bob Mills)

The Chinese government now admits that 20% of its products do not
meet the country’s own quality standards. And that’s even after
raising the minimum wage to 4 cents an hour. .(Jake Novak)

GREAT BRITIAN

Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive
car bomb parked in front of famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush
got a little confused. He called the new prime minister and made sure
all the animals and clowns were safe. (Jay Leno)

Authorities said the terrorist planned to detonate the bomb with his
cell phone. Luckily, the guy had Cingular so he couldn’t get a
signal. (Jay Leno)

Britain rounded up terror suspects Tuesday following last week’s
attacks. Five doctors have been implicated in deploying the car bombs
that failed to go off. It warns Americans, if nothing else, about the
gross inefficiency of socialized medicine. (Argus Hamilton)

Those terrorist plots in London and Glasgow involved doctors and
medical students. Authorities now believe they may have been in
training for employment with HMO’s. (Bob Mills)

In response to Saturday’s unsuccessful terrorist attack in Glasgow,
all air travellers to and from the U.K. will no longer be allowed to
enter the airport while they or their cars are on fire. .(Jake Novak)

Dublin police announced Tuesday they found bales and bales of cocaine
washing up on the shores of County Cork. Inspectors say it must have
spilled off a passing boat. The Irish Tourism Bureau isn’t above
using a little blarney to attract Los Angeles tourists to Ireland if
they’re afraid to fly to London or Glasgow this summer. (Argus Hamilton)

Prime Minister Gordon Brown says the British government will not
yield to terrorist attacks and threats… it’s going to keep on
admitting immigrants with no regard for anyone’s safety just like it
has for the last 40 years. .(Jake Novak)

Prince William and Prince Harry held a star-studded rock concert in
tribute to Princess Diana Sunday at Wembley Stadium in London. Kiefer
Sutherland was one of the concert’s emcees. He rents himself out as a
scarecrow to keep away the terrorists. (Argus Hamilton)

Scotland Yard announced that eight Muslim terror suspects arrested
Monday in the failed car bombings in London and Glasgow included
three medical doctors from Iraq and Jordan. Everybody was shocked.
They were the good guys in Sicko. (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Barbra Streisand gave here first-ever concert in Germany Saturday
night. I guess we can say the Jews have finally gotten even for the
Holocaust..(Jake Novak)

THE UN & INTERNATIONAL

Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It’s
a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a
simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work. (David
Letterman)

THE ECONOMY

Experts say the price of milk could rise to as much as $4 a gallon.
$4 a gallon for milk? I didn’t know Dick Cheney was involved with the
dairy industry (Jay Leno)

TAXES

The National War Tax Resistance Coordinating Committee asked
Americans Tuesday to register their protest against the Iraq war by
requesting pay cuts so they don’t make enough money to pay taxes.
These people will go to jail if they don’t pay their taxes. Any
illegal alien will tell them that low pay is not enough to get you
amnesty. (Argus Hamilton)

HEALTH

The World Health Organization said Thursday that air travelers should
exercise their legs to avoid deadly blood clots in the air. They are
preventable. The X-ray machines would pick them up if the screeners
weren’t so busy looking at the breasts. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER

It may get as hot as 116 degrees in Las Vegas today. which would be a
problem if anyone ever went outdoors in Las Vegas..(Jake Novak)

SPORTS

A “Sports Illustrated” article lists all the sports stars who have
landmarks named after them. Green Bay has a Ray Nitschke Memorial
Bridge, Miami has a Don Shula Expressway and coming soon to Atlanta,
the Michael Vick Pet Cemetery.`(Alex Kaseberg)

Today Federal authorities investigated property of Atlanta Falcon
Michael Vick for dog fighting evidence. This is not good for Vick.
Vick could become a prisoner who never plays on a professional
football team again. You heard me, Vick could get traded to the
Cincinnati Bengals. `(Alex Kaseberg)

Sports agent Scott Boras wants the World Series extended to nine
games, with the first two games to be played at a neutral site. That
means Wrigley Field.. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

George Lucas has announced a three-movie cycle covering the George W.
Bush presidency. It will be called “The Starts Wars Saga”. (Harry
Farkas)

Michael Moore’s “Sicko” turns up the heat on the sorry state of
medical care in the US. No surprisingly, Mike’s HMO just notified him
that his coverage isn’t as permanent as he thought it was. (Bob Mills)

Mel Brooks’ “Young Frankenstein,” opening on Broadway in November,
will top out at $450 a ticket. But in all fairness to Mel, that
includes a tank of gas to help you get to the Helen Hayes. (Bob Mills)

The Hollywood Reporter said Wednesday a four-part movie about Saddam
Hussein’s life will air on HBO. It makes perfect sense that the cable
network would buy a mini-series about Iraq. There’s nothing HBO likes
better than a shoot-’em-up with no ending. (Argus Hamilton)

Tom Cruise will play Claus von Stauffenberg in the new movie
Valkyrie. He was a German aristocrat who tried to kill Hitler with a
briefcase bomb. When Tom Cruise fails to kill the Fuhrer, Homeland
Security calls a press briefing and takes credit for foiling the
plot. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

The wife of Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez attended Sunday’s game at
Yankee Stadium wearing a white tank top with “F–k You” written on
the back. Luckily for Mrs. Rodriguez, “F–k You” is the greeting of
choice for all fans at Yankee Stadium. .(Jake Novak)

Paris Hilton flew to Hawaii in disguise Thursday after her appearance
on Larry King. It’s sad. She didn’t plan to be in disguise, but after
she told Larry King she never does drugs and seldom drinks, her nose
grew to three times its normal length. (Argus Hamilton)

Al Gore’s son, Al Gore III, was arrested early this morning for
driving his Toyota Prius 100 MPH and having marijuana and
prescription drugs in his possession. The younger Gore explained he
needs the drugs to have any hope of understanding what the Hell his
father is talking about. .(Jake Novak)

Al Gore’s son was pulled over by cops in Southern California Tuesday
going one hundred miles an hour in his Prius. He had marijuana,
Valium, Xanax and Vicodin in the car. The Los Angeles Times headline
read, Prius Goes One Hundred Miles an Hour. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Jackson is shopping for a vacation home on Maryland’s posh
Eastern Shores. Preferably near a school, day care center, Boy Scout
clubhouse or Little League ballfield. (Bob Mills)

Barbra Streisand was awarded France’s Legion of Honor for her work in
entertainment. Her husband, James Brolin had already won the award,
for showing courage in being married to Barbra Streisand.. (Jim Barach)

Paris Hilton flew to Hawaii Wednesday after tripling the ratings of
the Larry King show, where she gave the most boring interview in
history. It was a new low in journalism. She went blank every time
Larry King asked her if she likes older men. (Argus Hamilton)

World Wrestling Federation star Chris Benoit’s doctor was arrested
Monday. The wrestler strangled his entire family and then hung
himself during a steroid rage. The next day, Barry Bonds’s teenage
son didn’t have to be told twice to take out the trash. (Argus Hamilton)

Former astronaut Lisa Nowak’s attorney says she was not wearing a
diaper when she was arrested in Florida. He says she simply drove 900
miles to kidnap a romantic rival while wearing a disguise and still
being married. Her attorney says the diaper rumor makes her sound
like some kind of nut case.. (Jim Barach)

Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss opened a coin-operated laundromat
Tuesday in Nevada, sixty miles from Las Vegas. There’s something
really fishy about the place. The powdered soap in the vending
machines sells for three hundred dollars a box. CBS Radio was
reported Monday to be considering giving Don Imus back his radio show
after firing him. It’s only right. If everybody lost their livelihood
over one unfunny joke, half the U. S. Senate would be voted out of
office over immigration reform. (Argus Hamilton)

CULTURE

The iPhone came out today. People were camping out all night in front
of the store. These people are pathetic, really… Oh, come on? get a
life. Especially the people behind me in line. They were noisy.
(Craig Ferguson)

American Joey Chestnut has won the Nathan’s Fourth of July hot dog
eating contest with a new world record 66 dogs eaten in 12 minutes.
The event is always a great promotion for Nathan’s, because nothing
makes you want to eat hot dogs more than watching a guy shove five
and half dozen of them down his throat. .(Jake Novak)

American Joey Chestnut beat five-straight winner, Takeru Kobayahi, in
Nathan’s hot dog eating contest by eating 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes.
Chestnut received a mustard yellow belt, a $10,000 dollar prize, a
carton of toilet paper, a case of Lysol, ten candles and a sign for
the bathroom door that reads “Do not come in here.”`(Alex Kaseberg)

HISTORY

Little Rock, Arkansas is marking the 50th anniversary of public
school desegregation. The good news is that black and white kids now
get a truly equal education, the bad news is that now neither of them
can read. .(Jake Novak)

BUSINESS

Apple’s new cell phone came out Friday featuring a hand-held wireless
Internet connection. Anything you do on it can be picked up by U. S.
spy satellites. As soon as this gets around, there will be a five-
block line to buy two tin cans and a string. (Argus Hamilton)

The iPhone requires using AT&T phone service. In other words, it is
great, as long as you don’t use it as a phone.. (Jim Barach)

June auto sales for General Motors fell 21.7% while Nissan’s were up
22%. The USS Missouri is being taken out of mothballs for the formal
surrender ceremony. (Bob Mills)

One response to “HUMERUS NEWS for 07-07-07

  1. Monday Morning Power

    Cute….very cute but a little out of character for you.

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