I had, a while back, written a piece of satire called Emailing Lord Vishnu that I can’t find where it is published in the website of the Liberty Institute, New Delhi.
Anyways, if I had to be some Indian other than what I am, then these three would be my first picks:
1. Become a yoga guru, a Shamdev Baba, virtually living on TV, making snorting noises, one index finger in my left ear and another in my right nostril. No fees, it’s free seva, and there is the donation box, no, no, that is not a well filled with aqua Gangetica! “That is where the poor people ping back my blessings. For rich folks, my Swiss banker will get in touch with you”.
2. Take revenge on the world, hassling unsuspecting folk till they feel like jumping off a bridge, by becoming a TV news cub, and going to a dude half of whose sorry ass has got blown up in a tyre explosion created by the al Qaida on a severe budget crunch.
Cub: “Sir, how are you feeling now?”
Sorry half-ass: “Aargh, I am feeling proud that I sacrificed half my buttocks in the nation’s cause.” (“mainey mera aadha hissa desh to gaa, matlab, daan diya hai”)
Cub: “Sir, the whole country is now watching you. Would you like to convey any message?”
SHA: “Does any one have any spare underwear?” (“ek chaddi milegi? Hospital ke nurses kya sochengey?”)
Cub, turning to camera: “Er.., Raj, as you can understand, he is pantying in shock. Yeh andar ki baat hai!”
3. Become a paththar baba. If you don’t know what it is, you don’t know the real India. There are, in various cities in this country, saints (gender unspecified) who cure people suffering from stones in their pancreas, gall bladder, kidney, and any organ that can claim its place in the Stone Age. One type of paththari mata (Mother of Stones, literally) puts her lips on the patient’s tummy and sucks and sucks. Viola! She then shows a few stones (miraculous transformation of calcium oxalate/bilirubinate/other to silica derivatives unnoticed) to the awestruck patient and asks him to come back after a few months for a repeat clearance. At this rate, informed sources estimate that Caesarian sections will become obsolete by 2025.
What would you like to become?