THE HUMAN BODY: VERSION 2.0

I strongly think a second edition of the human body is overdue. Let us see what all changes are necessary, so that the cloning gurus can steal these ideas and make money out of them:
1. A trunk instead of a nose. This way, people won’t be able to sink their claws in to dig out esthetically-challenged excrementary specimens and inspect them in full view of a shuddering public.
2. A skin wiper: this should be mainly fitted in the back, and can be activated by thought to move across the back, acting as a biological itcher. I propose to call this a bitcher. Any problems?
3. BS meter: there will be a red dot where Indian females normally place their bindis, and which would glow the moment someone talks of ‘right to health’, ‘social responsibility’, ‘pushing the envelope’, etcetera.
4. Women’s nails will be colored, except for the tips, which will be white, a natural French manicure. When the pulse rate exceeds 100, the nail edges will be reinforced with stainless steel blade edges or with slow poisons which are impossible to trace forensically.

sexy-woman.jpg

5. Women’s lips will be more collagen rich and plump, and extend halfway up the distance to the chin and nose, thereby saving tons of lipstick which are needed to make lips appear more plump and sexy. To say nothing about the benefits in the anti-global warming movement.
6. Men’s organs would be not less than a foot long, to finally get rid of this fetish for size that is no less than an endemic disease. If nothing else, men will know that they are lousy in bed not because of lack of size, but lack of time. And tact. And romantic nature. Those would need version 3.0 or later. I originally wrote that “if nothing else, men will know they are lousy in bed not because they lack endowment, but because they lack downward movement“, but chopped it out. The words, I mean. Yeah, I know, this is not funny at all!
7. Sneeze filter: in the new version, the moment a sneeze springs up from the depths, a filter will bridge the lips and seal the nostrils, making the act more civilized and in consonance with noise-pollution restrictions. In these troubled times, many a sneeze is mistaken for a gunshot, and the stock market index uses it as another excuse to drop 50 points.
Especially if the sneezer is a Communist Party leader, or the Finance Minister.
8. Navel cleaner: Especially for young ladies, this would prevent the deposits of ten years of environmental pollution being recorded for posterity in the umboliths, which laparoscopic surgeons are known to clean up every morning in the Operation Room.
9. All women would have no body hair, and all men would have hairs on the head. No exceptions. Alternatively, a mutation leading to a change in the limbic system of the brain would be needed to cause bald men to look sexy, and hairy women, too.
10. All men above forty would develop mute buttons. Old farts would become, at least, silent ones.

32 responses to “THE HUMAN BODY: VERSION 2.0

  1. This is hilarious… it’s a pity that evolution takes us in all the wrong directions.

    More like a long evolution with the wrong revolutions!

  2. =)) =))=))
    loved it !

    Sree,
    But of course you would!
    🙂

  3. Hilarious! I laughed especially hard at the one about women’s nails.

    Rambodoc, what do you think about redesigning politicians so they come with brains?

    Paul,
    First we transplant some guts, then one ball, then half a man’s brain (it’s mostly unused, so as good as new), and then we start…

  4. Hilarious!!!!
    I can’t stop laughing. You can start laughter therapy instead of putting people under the knife:), it would be equally effective.:) 🙂

    Prerna,
    Don’t know about that…. But here is a good idea: make ’em laugh till their hernias come out and cause pain, and then catch ’em literally by the balls (in a manner of speaking), and make some serious money!!
    🙂

  5. Like Prerna, can’t stop laughing. 😀 I am now wondering if you are one of those docs who keeps cracking jokes while treating patients.

    Nita,
    Now don’t get me started on cracking jokes and joking cracks….
    😀

  6. Hilarious and ingenuous! Wow, you’re so imaginative!

    Thanks, M!

  7. umbilious gave me an excellant lead for my latest post, Regards

  8. whoops umbolith

    Hope it will not be written in an um, bilious mood!
    🙂

  9. Hilarious – although for 10th one, they say that the silent ones are more deadly 🙂

    Arun, possibly a scientific explanation is due….. if you ever want to see me go over the top, you can ask me to ‘review the literature’ or write an ‘expert commentary’ or even an ‘editorial’ on this.
    🙂

  10. your post is on the wordpress site and I came here from there. and just this morning i was thinking, this post deserves to be there!

    Thanks, Nita, but I never manage to find this site. Sudden lightbulb moment: OH! You mean I should go into WordPress.com and see their home page?

  11. Here is my take ,
    http://bachodi.wordpress.com/2007/07/24/bachodi%e2%80%99s-2nd-theory-of-de-evolution/,

    Thanks, Bach, that was funny, though you could have written more!

  12. As with everything 2.0, there must be certain key features in addition to the ones you mention
    1. A comment box where people can leave their feedback about the person.
    2. If people leave feedback, there must be a “add to friendroll” button

    Ashok,
    I can imagine this…a comment box is a priceless suggestion!

  13. Just where did you get my photo?

    BTW: The CapitalistPig blog is not mine. It belongs to another Doctor. I actually sent him the link to your blog as I thought he would enjoy it the same as I do.

    He is still in the process of getting it up and running so do stop back as I’m sure he’ll certainly appreciate your visits.

    Very well written young man you are. I shall be back. I have several blogs on blogger and only just started my norwegiandawn blog with wordpress. Do have a visit should you be in the neighborhood.

    BTW: Great article!

    ambrerae.blogspot.com

    Norwegiandawn,
    It has been like some 39 years since someone called me a young man…. so I guess I have something to celebrate for today…where are my dentures?? 🙂
    Hey, thanks! Do come back!

  14. Hilarious post… and very dangerous to your profession -what if you suddenly remember one of your post while doing a major surgery.. I wouldnt want to be the one under your knife that time Doc 😉

    Oemar,
    When I am making money, I am very serious, and when I am broke, I laugh it out! So don’t have any performance anxiety with regard to me!

  15. OMG. Addendum to your #6 should be a post titled “Clothes 2.0”
    Awesome post… others have said it all 🙂

    Thanks, Priyank!

  16. … how do you come up with such funny stuff genius???.. :)…

    Or insanity?!
    🙂

  17. hi I will love you and s…….

  18. very nice pic . but I like sexy clips accessible on line because the policy of my government against the porn in general , no way to enter any hot web , they are all blocked pls help me how can I access any of hot sexy web or send me a short clip of sex on my email

  19. love it

  20. I want sexy pictures

  21. very beutifull

  22. you are babe namer to you name my email

  23. Fanm sa a bèl anpil.

  24. Trè bèl. Beautiful.

    to learn creole click on this site : http://kreyol.freeheberg.com

  25. image that really experiences..

  26. i like you

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