WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09.01.07.

This is a mega post, even by its own exalted standards of length. Thanks, Stan Kegel!

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Monday is Labor Day. A lot of businesses are getting a head start on the holiday weekend. Major mortgage brokers will be foreclosing early on Friday. (Alan Ray)

Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can’t recall why. (David Letterman)

There is a tri-state area dog food recall. The tainted dog food will be rounded up and fed to Michael Vick. (David Letterman)

Bush defended his use of wiretaps, although he acknowledges there are civil liberties concerns by the public. In fact, when he says “I hear what America is saying” you’ve got to take him literally. (Steve Tatum)

Here’s a sure sign summer’s over: They’re putting up Christmas decorations on Fifth Avenue. (David Letterman)

The Big Mac is turning 40 years old. Ironically it has outlived most of the people who regularly eat Big Macs. (Jim Barach)

The Democratic National Committee Saturday voided Florida’s Democratic primary and stripped the state of its convention delegates. Florida will hold a primary but their votes won’t count. That should get them in practice for the general election. (Argus Hamilton)

Mobsters used to control pornography. Even the Mafia has been outsourced to the Internet. (Jim Barach)

In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans. (Jay Leno)

The Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles spotlighted the complete lunar eclipse that occurred Tuesday. North America went ten minutes without moonlight. When the light returned, the population of California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas had doubled. (Argus Hamilton)

At a political forum here in Hollywood last week, Hillary Clinton said she does not support gay marriage. In fact, she said she’s not too crazy about straight marriage anymore either. (Jay Leno)

Leona Helmsley left 12 million bucks to her dog, “Trouble.” Ordinarily I wouldn’t give a pug nickel for a Maltese, but in this dog-eat-dog world, you have to respect a dog with dough. Any mutt who is that well heeled should consider making some shrewd financial investments. Perhaps the dog could buy out Michael Vick’s contract. (Gary Hallock)

President Bush said the States may not pass bills giving health care insurance to poor children. What? Does he hope this will teach poor children to stop getting sick. (Jake Novak)

Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey bragged to reporters Wednesday about the broad extent of her escort service operation. She does it with the lobbyists who do it with the lawmakers who do it to the taxpayers who pay it to the IRS which seizes all her assets for back taxes. This is next year’s winning act on America’s Got Talent. (Argus Hamilton)

LARRY CRAIG

A lot of people are calling Senator Craig a hypocrite because he was a very vocal opponent of same-sex marriages. But to be fair, he has never come out publicly against anonymous gay bathroom sex. (Jay Leno)

The Senate Ethics Committee said it will review the lewd conduct charges against Idaho Senator Larry Craig. The story that he’d been arrested for propositioning a man in an airport men’s room was broadcast around the world Tuesday. It was the first good day Michael Vick’s had in months. (Argus Hamilton)

Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, a married, very anti-gay conservative Republican, was arrested by a plainclothes police officer for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport men’s room. Today the senator’s office said it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently what happened was when the senator went in to use the restroom, he accidentally grabbed the wrong penis. (Jay Leno)

What is it with all these gay Republican sex scandals? Remember the old days when a politician would just put his hand in your pockets to get your money. (Jay Leno)

Needless to say, Senator Craig is also anti-gay marriage and gays in the military, which I think, shows he doesn’t let his personal needs interfere with his work. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The Minneapolis police have released the taped interrogation of Craig by the arresting officer. Says Larry: “I’m a fairly wide guy… I tend to spread my legs when I lower my pants so I won’t slide.” Is it just me or does this remind you of “Deliverance”? (Bob Mills)

So, another Republican senator is not gay and has never been gay. Kind of makes you wonder how many other Republicans are not gay and have never been gay. I wouldn’t worry about it, but in red states, just don’t go to the men’s room. (Joe Hickman)

Senator Larry Craig joins a growing list of GOP officeholders accused of gay sexual misconduct. Well, now we know why the Republicans are so against gay marriage; it would take all the fun out of dating. (Jake Novak)

Senator Larry Craig says that police misconstrued his actions before arresting him for lewd behavior in a Minneapolis airport restroom. Craig, who had been working for Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign, insists he was simply doing some “private polling.” (Jake Novak)

Several Republican leaders are now calling on disgraced Senator Larry Craig to resign, but most GOP lawmakers just want him to promise never to use the Senate men’s room. (Jake Novak)

How about that poor Senator Craig from Idaho? So he gets arrested in a men’s room there at the airport in Minneapolis. And here’s the deal now. He’s now in Stage One of a political sex scandal: defiance. Stage Two: stepping down to spend more time with his family. Stage Three: “I’m gay and I’m proud!” (David Letterman)

Senator Larry Craig declared he won’t quit and he’s not gay. And then Craig said “I’m sorry. I meant to say I won’t quit being gay.”(Conan O’Brien)

Now there’s more trouble for Senator Craig. First he’s accused of soliciting gay sex at an airport. Now’s he accused of soliciting gay sex at a train station. Craig denied the charges and said if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for a big night at the bus terminal. (Conan O’Brien)

The undercover police officer said the senator tried to reach under the stall to touch him, but the senator said, no, he wasn’t trying to touch him, he was only trying to pick up a piece of paper off the floor. Who picks up paper off the floor in the men’s room? I don’t even like when my shoe laces touch the floor in the men’s room. (Jay Leno)

You know who I feel sorry for in this whole thing? The undercover cop. How’d you like to have that job. Sit in an airport bathroom all day, your pants around your ankles with a coffee and a donut waiting for guys to hit on you. (Jay Leno)

Sen. Craig is married. Apparently he told his wife, don’t worry about having dinner ready to me. I’m going to wolf down a hot dog at the airport. (Jay Leno)

Sen. Craig said he made a mistake by pleading guilty. And I was thinking, maybe that was your second mistake. (David Letterman)

Mitt Romney told CNN that he finds Craig “incredibly disappointing” but whether he’ll demand his resignation, “I’ll let him make that decision.” Mitt does point out, though, that this probably puts him out of the running for his own planet that Mormons believe faithful spouses are awarded after death.

In a taped interview released Thursday Senator Larry Craig admitted his foot bumped into the undercover police’s foot in the other stall. The Senator said it was unintentional, he had a wide stance and was wearing his work clown shoes. (Pedro Bartes)

Senator Larry Craig said the reason why he swiped his hand under the stall divider, placing his palm facing toward the ceiling didn’t have any sexual connotation. He had just had a great body movement and felt like high-fiving somebody. (Pedro Bartes)

The undercover cop that arrested Senator Larry Craig in a public washroom at the Minneapolis airport said that the senator tapped his right foot, then tapped his toes several times which are all signals associated with illicit bathroom sex. In other news, Ryan Seacrest has started taking tap dancing lessons with Savion Glover. (Pedro Bartes)

Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room and now his constituents are calling for Craig to resign. Apparently they want to wash their hands of Craig but they don’t want him in the bathroom when they do it. (Alex Kaseberg)

Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room. Craig just wants to put this incident past him and continue on in congress. At least I hope that’s what he meant when he said he wants to turn another page. (Alex Kaseberg)

Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room. Remember the good old Clinton years when sex scandals involved men with women? (Alex Kaseberg)

More information is coming out about Idaho Republican Larry Craig’s arrest for lewd behavior in an airport men’s room. Apparently when they arrested Craig he yelled; “Hey, it’s mine and I can shake it as much as I want to.” (Alex Kaseberg)

During a press conference Senator Larry Craig explained his arrest and said he touched the undercover cop’s shoe under the stall because he has a wide stance and he’s not gay. The senator added that it is not his fault that the stilettos he was wearing were so high. (Pedro Bartes)

Christian Fundamentalist, former “Family Values” presidential candidate Gary Bower says “What’s disturbing and disgusting is that Minneapolis police have to stake out men’s rest rooms.” He’s a firm (excuse the pun) believer that fellatio should be performed in private… behind the pulpit if possible. (Bob Mills)

“Dateline,” the NBC newsmagazine which has scored big ratings for its “To Catch a Predator” investigations, announced today that it would introduce a new investigative series this fall, entitled “To Catch a Senator.” At a press conference in New York, NBC News president Steve Capus said that “To Catch a Senator” would focus the “Dateline” investigation team’s energies on “the number one menace in America today: pervy Republican senators.” But even as NBC trumpeted its latest “Dateline” spin-off, industry insiders wondered whether there would be an adequate supply of sex-crazed senators to keep the program going for more than a few episodes. For his part, Mr. Capus brushed off such concerns, telling reporters, “As long as there are Republican senators out there who oppose gay marriage, there will always be plenty of pervs.” (Andy Borowitz)

Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number. (David Letterman)

Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, “What can I say? I love public transportation.” (Conan O’Brien)

Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he’s a hypocrite, saying, “Hey, I wasn’t trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.” (Conan O’Brien)

You had the cop on one side. You know who was in the stall on the other side? Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey. If he just tapped his foot the other way, this whole thing could’ve had a happy ending. (Jay Leno)

THE CANDIDATES

Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husband’s fund raising campaign is she can’t make him black, and she can’t make him a woman. That’s the same problem with Michael Jackson’s people. (Jay Leno)

Fred Thompson said he’s still testing the waters in his bid for the presidency. He’s been testing the water for what, six months now? In fact, those aren’t wrinkles on his face. He’s starting to prune up. (Jay Leno)

Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode. (Conan O’Brien)

Hillary Clinton allowed Friday that Republicans would get a boost if there was a terror attack before the election. It was friendly advice to al-Qaeda. You can attack and get Rudy or hold your fire and get the woman who forgave even Bill Clinton. (Argus Hamilton)

John Edwards said Thursday that the Lincoln Bedroom won’t be for sale when he’s president. The trial lawyer is no paragon of ethics. John Edwards would ride in the first presidential motorcade in history where the limousine follows the ambulance. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator Hillary Clinton campaigned in New Hampshire Thursday where she vowed to improve health care in America. One of her health care goals is for every American’s medical records to be computerized. If you’re worried about President Bush listening to your phone calls, just wait until Hillary can hack into your HIV status (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton’s book Giving hits the bookstores Tuesday. He’ll be on the road signing books for adoring women who line up for blocks to see him while his wife is in Iowa. Already all the other candidates are asking for equal time on 60 Minutes. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani says he will kill the “marriage penalty” if he is elected president. No one knows about the marriage penalty like a man who has been divorced twice. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton says her high negative ratings may be a blessing. She says there is nothing left for the opposition to dig up about her. Has she never heard of Karl Rove? (Jim Barach)

PRESIDENT BUSH

“A moment I’ve been dreading. George brought his ne’er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida. The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I’ll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they’ll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work.” (Reagan Diaries May 17, 1986)

Today President Bush was in New Orleans for the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. When he arrived in New Orleans he told the mayor “I got here as quick as I could” (Jay Leno)

President Bush made a big speech about Iraq this week. He said the surge is working, a free Iraq is within our reach, and if we don’t beat them there, they’ll follow us home. That’s the great thing about George Bush. I can take three months off and when I come back, he’s still making the same stupid speech. (Bill Maher)

The White House announced that Jenna Bush is engaged to Henry Hager, former aide to Karl Rove and son of the former lieutenant governor of Virginia, John Hager. Before you go into a complete panic, geneticists worldwide are hard at work on a process that would insure, through selective juggling of DNA, that none of the couples’ progeny, should they choose to procreate, will be born with a desire to enter politics. (Caboom)

President Bush talked about the need to work hard on the economy, to work hard on health care, and to fight nonstop against terrorism. Then he left to go on a long weekend at his ranch. (Jay Leno)

This guy is so hard up for good news, he called a press conference this morning to announce that Britney’s hair is growing back. (Bill Maher)

Laura Bush has been suffering from a pinched nerve in her neck and will not travel with the president to Sidney next month, the White House said on Sunday. Doctors determined the neck injury was caused by repeatedly saying “No” to some of her husband’s stupid ideas. (Pedro Bartes)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned Friday but waited until Monday to announce his resignation. Apparently it took him two days to remember why he had resigned on Friday. (Pedro Bartes)

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced today his resignation. People didn’t believe him when at the press conference he said he didn’t quit because of any wrongdoing but rather because he wanted to spend some time writing his memoirs (Pedro Bartes)

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned today, effective immediately, telling reporters that he wanted to spend more time eavesdropping on his family. (Andy Borowitz)

Alberto Gonzalez has resigned as U.S. Attorney General. It’s for personal reasons. He wants to spend more time violating the civil liberties of his family.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced his resignation. Gonzales said he wanted to spend more time with Karl Rove’s family. (Pedro Bartes)

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has resigned. If he was going to keep getting criticized for breaking ethics laws, he figured he might as well do it for real money in the corporate world. (Jake Novak)

Earlier today, after months of scandals and political pressure, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced he’s going to resign. Gonzales said, “There comes a time when a man should resign, and that time for me was last January.” (Conan O’Brien)

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned. He wants to spend more time with his family. Then he fired his family but he couldn’t recall doing so. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Bush says Attorney General Alberto Gonzales name was dragged through the mud for political reasons… which is something that he only thinks should be done to U.S. attorneys. (Jake Novak)

Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove’s car in bumper stickers that read, “I Love Obama.” Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered.(Conan O’Brien)

THE CONGRESS

Senator Chris Dodd’s office in Hartford was hit by burglars Sunday. Watch this one. No one knows what was taken, but when the Attorney General resigned the day after a burglary at the Democrat’s headquarters, Bob Woodward came out of the Bat Cave. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

According to a new study, Mississippi is the fattest state in the country with 30 percent of its residents listed as obese. Which makes sense because Mississippi’s state bird is the Chicken McNugget. (Conan O’Brien)

Arkansas legislators accidentally passed a marriage law which permits children of any age to get married with parental permission. The law could help the local economy. Woody Allen and Roman Polanski just set up production offices in Little Rock. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

New York cab drivers are threatening to strike over a plan for mandatory GPS units in every cab. Cabbies are worried that with GPS technology, they won’t be able to take tourists through Mid Town Manhattan by way of Queens. (Jim Barach)

Atlanta officials proposed an ordinance Tuesday banning low-riding baggy pants worn by gangs. They incite public anger. No one expects to stop the drug slinging but decent citizens worry that the pockets are so deep you can hide a pitbull in them. (Argus Hamilton)

Officials in Atlanta are considering a measure that would ban jogging bras and thongs in public places. There are some pretty strict rules for women, too. (Bob Mills)

Atlanta officials have proposed an ordinance banning low-riding baggy pants worn by street gangs. Not everyone likes the idea. The police say the inability of gang members to run in low-slung pants is responsible for the increase in captures. (Argus Hamilton)

Not such a great day for Atlanta. They’re considering banning baggy pants. The pants drag too low and expose too much. Apparently Atlanta politicians are worried about the crack problem. (Craig Ferguson)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Geoffrey Fieger, the former attorney for suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian has been indicted for illegal campaign contributions to John Edwards. Fieger is being accused of giving Edwards $127,000 more than legally allowed. Apparently Fieger picked up the tab for one of Edwards’ visits to a hair salon. (Jim Barach)

SECURITY

New federal airport screening rules now require additional inspection of certain types of head gear. The new requirement covers cowboy hats, berets, turbans and Donald Trump’s hair. (Bob Mills)

There was a guy in New York who got arrested for smuggling a monkey onto a plane. I can’t get four ounces of shaving creme onto a plane! How’s he get monkey on there? (Craig Ferguson)

SPACE & NASA

Former NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak was in court in Florida Friday to try to have her ankle monitor removed. She’s been ordered to wear it because the court thinks she’s a flight risk. The space shuttle program has been going a lot better lately. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ

Archivists at the U. N . in New York City were shocked Thursday when they found chemical weapon vials taken from Iraq back in the 1990’s locked away in some old files. No wonder we couldn’t find Saddam’s WMD’s in Iraq. They were in Manhattan! Vice President Cheney said, “I told you we should have attacked Manhattan.” (Gorsefeathers)

They also came up with what they call the National Intelligence Estimate for Iraq. They said, the Iraqi political leaders remain unable to govern effectively. President Bush said that was the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. Judging leaders by their effectiveness? (Bill Maher)

A report concludes at least 13 of the 18 benchmarks set to judge the Iraqi government’s performance have not been met. Which sounds terrible, unless you compare it to the Bush administration’s performance. Then suddenly, the Iraqis are role models. (Joe Hickman)

It was in the paper that the number of Iraqis – since the surge began – who are fleeing their homes has, in a word, surged. In fact, there are so many abandoned houses in Baghdad it looks like America’s real estate market. (Bill Maher)

Our intelligence agencies are now saying that the Iraqi government is paralyzed. Finally, a sign that we’ve begun to export American-style democracy. (Janice Hough)

According to U. S. intelligence, Iraq Prime Minister Maliki is an ineffective leader, unable to work with his cabinet, has poor communication skills… oh wait a minute… that’s President Bush. (David Letterman)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

President Bush praised Pakistan’s General Pervez Musharraf for agreeing to stand for election, saying, “If free and fair elections work in Pakistan, we may eventually try them here. (Andy Borowitz)

The Venetian Hotel opened the world’s largest casino Monday in the old Chinese port city of Macao. So far, American gamblers are reluctant to play in China. It’s just a matter of time before we find out that their cards are marked with lead paint. (Argus Hamilton)

Chinese toy makers Wednesday blamed Mattel’s demand for cheaper products for the lead in Chinese toys. It’s possible the toys have become too cheap. This year for Christmas the new Barbie doll will be wearing fishnet stockings and too much lipstick. (Argus Hamilton)

China declared war on shoddy products Friday and vowed to improve the safety of its exports. It’s embarrassing. Last week a Chinese toy inspector hung himself in his office, but just his luck the rope was made in China and his throat never felt better. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

There was a hot rumor floating around the Internet earlier this week that Fidel Castro was dead. Or as the rest of the world called it, “Monday.” (Patrick Gorse)'”

Not such a great day for Brazil. Vampire bat attacks on cattle have reached a record high. Cows are being attacked by vampires. I think we know where Bob Barker went for retirement. (Craig Ferguson)

CANADA

Canada has ended up with a three billion dollar budget surplus. Mostly because of profits from selling all those drugs to Americans. (Jim Barach)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Spanish TV will no longer air live bullfights, calling the practice a “cruel and brutal sport.” This follows recent bans of “The View,” “The Jerry Springer Show” and “American Idol” for the same reason. (Bob Mills)

Spain decided Wednesday to end the live telecasts of bullfights. There are tourists watching in hotel rooms. One Sunday last summer when the picadors moved in to stab a bull to death, Michael Vick got sick in front of the television set. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

The U.S. economic rebound in the second quarter was stronger than previously estimated economists said today. Unfortunately most American won’t be able to celebrate the good news with their families because they’ll be working in one of the three or four jobs they have. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush has requested yet another $150 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, bringing the total bill to much more than a half trillion dollars, enough to buy every homeless person in America a house. Or, to put it in terms politicians can understand, every lobbyist in Washington, D.C. a yacht. (Steve Tatum)

The U.S. Mint announced Monday the one-hundred-dollar bill will get new security features. When you tilt the new bill, the image shifts. Cracker Jack started using this technology forty years ago and North Korea has yet to counterfeit one of their prizes. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE

U.S. researchers reported on Sunday that a nutritious cocktail helped human embryonic stem cells thrive and repair the damaged hearts of rats. This means they are ready to treat Dick Cheney whose heart is probably of the same size of a rat’s heart. (Pedro Bartes)

HEALTH

A In health news, a study reveals that people who drink too much alcohol are more susceptible to memory loss. In addition, a study reveals that people who drink too much alcohol are susceptible to memory loss. And a study reveals drinking can make you lose your memory. (Alex Kaseberg)

Report says obesity rates have climbed in 31 states. Researchers can’t pinpoint the exact reasons, since most survey respondents couldn’t talk with their mouths full. (Alan Ray)

Here’s news: A 90-year-old man has become a father. I’m lucky at my age if I can get the cap off the Viagra. (David Letterman)

According to a new study, people are sexually active well into their 80s. First I say, “arghargh.” Secondly, I would say, “God bless Cher.” (David Letterman)

THE WEATHER

There was a big flood in New York. A group of people floated to safety by making a raft out of Donald Trump’s hair. (Craig Ferguson)

The Weather Channel reports that flooding drove hundreds of people from their homes in Ohio, Minnesota and Iowa on Thursday. These people have suffered enough by now. Many of them were already underwater when they got their last mortgage statement. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ENVIRONMENT

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service combed eastern Arkansas swamps Thursday for the ivory-billed woodpecker. The government is spending millions on the woodpecker’s Arkansas habitat. That’s in addition to what we pay for Bill Clinton’s office in Harlem. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

Barry Bonds is not getting any endorsements despite the fact he set the record for most career home runs. Apparently a hat company was interested, but couldn’t make anything big enough to fit his steroid-enlarged head. (Jim Barach)

Michael Vick publicly apologized for his role in a dog fighting ring and said he “needs to grow up.” Actually, what he needs to do now is learn how to show with his clothes on. (Jake Novak)

Michael Vick admitted in federal court Friday he transported dogs across state lines for dogfighting. He also took collective responsibility for executing dogs. Everyone agrees that he had to be stopped before one day he became a predatory lender. (Argus Hamilton)

The Atlanta Falcons will try to recover Michael Vick’s $30 million signing bonus. I know what you’re thinking. He knows how to write his name? (Bob Mills)

Nike has terminated its endorsement contract with Michael Vick. Life is about to change for the Atlanta Falcons QB. Next time when he carries the ball, it’ll have a chain attached. (Alan Ray)

Michael Vick apologized on Monday for lying to everybody about his dogfighting business. It’s always the cover-up. Michael Vick’s the first player ever pictured on the box of two football video games in the same year, the All-Madden and All-Nixon. (Argus Hamilton)

The Houston Astros fired their hands-on manager Phil Garner Tuesday. He always tried to control his players with hand signals from the dugout. After what happened to U.S. Senator Larry Craig in the airport men’s room, nobody wanted to take any chances. (Argus Hamilton)

Bay Meadows suspended jockey Russell Baze Monday for whipping an injured horse in Sunday’s race. The crowd went wild. Michael Vick is lucky he’s going to jail before he found out how much money you can make on fights between horses and jockeys. (Argus Hamilton)

The FedEx Cup got started at the Westchester Country Club Thursday. The winner of the four-week-long competition will receive a ten million dollar annuity when he reaches the age of sixty-five. John Daly’s got to be wondering what’s in it for him. (Argus Hamilton)

David Wells has signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers. He should be a fan favorite at Dodger Stadium. Like most the fans, Wells is generally gone by the sixth inning. (Jim Barach)

Latrell Sprewell’s yacht was repossessed by the bank Wednesday when he didn’t keep up the payments. This was inevitable. Once he was retired and didn’t have to worry about his legs being broken, he could get a yacht loan from a legitimate lender. (Argus Hamilton)

Japan’s Little League World Series team had a close call Monday when their bus caught fire. They were just leaving the stadium when the bus ignited in flames. The athletes are lucky they are not going to prison for torturing and killing a Greyhound. (Argus Hamilton)

The Royal Montreal Golf Club will host the President’s Cup held in Montreal in three weeks. The Americans and Europeans will arrive early to get a feel for the local course conditions. Canadian beer adds forty degrees to the slope of every green. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

Roger Ebert, who owns the trademark on the “thumbs up, thumbs down” film rating system, has refused to allow producers of “At The Movies” to use it. ABC/Disney decided to go with up and down middle fingers instead, but the New York City Cabbies Union owns that trademark. (Bob Mills)

Van Halen have announced they are getting back together. They will start touring on September 27. On September 28, they will realize that David Lee Roth is a pain in the ass, and they will break up again. (Craig Ferguson)

The movie “Stardust” opens today. It’s movie about a group of angry witches. It’s like a very long episode of “The View.” (Craig Ferguson)

Caesar’s Palace has announced that after five years, they’ve decided to end their exclusive concert engagement with Celine Dion. To maintain continuity, Caesar’s will replace Dion with a shrieking baby and a car alarm. (Conan O’Brien)

THE MEDIA

The media is expecting record advertising money for the presidential election in 2008. Why don’t the lobbyists just buy all the TV stations and cut out the middle man? The only media outlet that won’t benefit from the ad money is Fox, since they run 24 hours of Republican political commercials every day as it is. During the campaign season, Fox has to reclassify Sean Hannity as an “infomercial”. (Jim Barach)

Katie Couric will anchor CBS Evening News next week from Baghdad. She will be guarded by a Special Forces unit. They are trained to survive most any type of bomb. (Alan Ray)

CELEBRITIES

Now that Leona Helmsley has left $12 million to her dog, many are asking what a dog can do with that kind of money. In what might be a related story, there is now a $12 million contract out on Michael Vick’s life. (Jake Novak)

Leona Helmsley’s will bequeathed $12 million to her dog—-who’s already been spotted club hopping with Paris Hilton’s dog. (Bob Mills)

The late hotel heiress, Leona Helmsley, has left her white Maltese dog, Trouble, a $12 million dollar inheritance. Talk about adding insult to injury. Now there’s a dog out there getting paid better than Michael Vick. (Gorsefeathers)

Leona Helmsley passed away a couple of weeks ago. and left $12 million to her dog. And today, the dog got engaged to Ellen Barkin. Here’s what’s going to happen: Leona’s dog is going to use that $12 million to organize fights between NFL players. (David Letterman)

Today is a very special day in the world of show business. It’s the Material Girl’s birthday. She turns 49 today. That’s right — Elton John, 49 today. (Craig Ferguson)

Lindsay Lohan was caught having sex in the bathroom while at the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Utah. Lohan apologized and said it all started while she was seated in the toilet practicing her dance tapping steps for her next movie. (Pedro Bartes)

A circuit court judge ruled Thursday former astronaut Lisa Nowak can remove an electronic monitoring bracelet from her ankle. Which makes it much easier to sell on eBay. (Joe Hickman)

Madonna gives millions to charity, done lots of benefits, given a lot of money away. Her greatest gift, of course, to mankind — she’s promised never to do another movie. (Craig Ferguson)

In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said that to prove her commitment to Brad Pitt, she’s decided to give up sleeping with women. When he heard this, Brad Pitt said, “Dear God what have I done?” (Conan O’Brien)

On rocker Ted Nugent’s rant in concert against Sens. Hillary Rodham,Clinton and Barack Obama: “I find this shocking – Ted Nugent still has concerts?” (Bill Maher)

RELIGION

Newly-published letters of Mother Teresa show that she was haunted by doubts that Jesus ever really existed. And if that wasn’t enough to shake her faith, she bought Enron stock. (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

40 New York high schools are now offering day care to students who have had children. They are paying for the day care through money they saved by canceling sex education courses. (Jim Barach)

CULTURE

Controversy has erupted over a monument to Dr. Martin Luther King to stand at the National Mall in Washington, D.C. that will be sculpted by a Chinese artist. The main concern is that it will be finished off with a coating of lead paint. The three story high statue will commemorate Dr. King’s fight for equal rights. Apparently also the loss of American jobs to China. Hiring a Chinese artist to honor a man dedicated to civil rights is like asking PETA to fund a statue of Michael Vick. (Jim Barach)

A couple in Arkansas had their 17th child. Afterwards, the other 16 kids threw their dad a “We get it — you’re not gay” party. (Conan O’Brien)

HISTORY

A couple of big anniversaries this week. It’s been two years since Hurricane Katrina, and one year since FEMA found out about it. (Jay Leno)

BUSINESS

AT&T is discontinuing its 80-year old free time service. The toll free number will be reassigned to their new Keep Track of Republican Politician Sex Offenders service. (Bob Mills)

Nike has dropped its contract with Michael Vick in the wake of allegations of his involvement in dog fighting. Nike told Vick the company only allows inhumane behavior concerning child labor. (Jim Barach)

The Washington Post said Friday that U.S. retailers are not buying products made in Iraqi factories as originally promised. The market is there. However, Stuckey’s refuses to carry roadside bombs because they need all their impulse-buy shelves for the pecan logs. (Argus Hamilton)

A Minnesota woman is suing McDonald’s for $100,000 for bad cream in her coffee. The company says it was a mistake. It was too old to be served as cream, but a few days short of being used as cheese on a Big Mac. (Jim Barach)

5 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09.01.07.

  1. This is the best way to get the news!

  2. I agree… this and the Daily Show

  3. The Tonight Show is pretty good too.

  4. Senator Larry Craig said the reason why he swiped his hand under the stall divider, placing his palm facing toward the ceiling didn’t have any sexual connotation. He had just had a great body movement and felt like high-fiving somebody. (Pedro Bartes)

    Well, that does it for me! See if ever stop at a public rest facility to perhaps stretch and and do a few ‘toe-touching’ exercises to get the kinks out while on a long drive!

    I won’t make the headlines, but there is a price to pay for freedom, eh?

    giggles

  5. Ambre,
    Normally people don’t touch anything in a public restroom. Hell, I don’t even touch the door handle if I can avoid it (like The Aviator).
    And you are talking of doing stretching exercises… wonder just what you would be stretching!?!
    🙂

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