A new study from India has been published in the World Journal of Surgery. According to the article, eating chili after a piles operation causes burning and should be avoided.
Gosh, my grandmother should have been made an editor of the WJS! She used to say the same long, long before this seminal (no dirty puns in this article, okay?) truth was known to science just back of yesterday.
Ladies and laddas, hear, hear! Here’s ‘ere a frontier study with a lot of Indian charactors: let us all stoke the fire of nationalism from the depths of our bowels without emberassment.
In previous studies on the same lines, it was erroneously concluded that eating chilis did not affect the bum after surgery. Now, says the author, in those studies, there were no Indians involved, that is, the chili consumption was not of the level where smoke detectors go off spontaneously the moment you come out of the bathroom.
Now, after feeding his poor patients three grams (not milligrams!) of chilis every day after piles operation, the author has reached this end-point. After this one, he will sorely be a fumous surgeon Down Under, if not the World Wide Underworld. Imagine how a hero can be tortured, all trussed up to a pillar watching the villain feed chili, flake by flake, to the heroine. It would be such a hot hit!
I am now planning to tailback on this author : I will now do a study on patients who will undergo piles surgery, and, as if my operating on them is not enough of a pain in their asses, I will give five grams of chili each day to one group (the control group), and compare their recovery with the other group, who will be given chili plus olive oil and lemon (maybe give them just my searsome aglio e olio every day without the garlic, for the last would alter the study results). Alternatively, if I get paid enough, the control group could be assessed (remember, I said no dirty puns?) with chili plus Coke.
Here is how my abstract would look on PubMed:
Aims: To reduce the burning after chilirrhoidectomy
Methods: 100 patients underwent chilirrhoidectomy. In the control group, 50 patients were given Coke. Those patients (N=5) who preferred Coke Light were excluded from this study. Patients (N=2) who wanted Vanilla Coke were admitted for Electro Convulsive Therapy in our Psychiatry wing.
Results: All patients who were prescribed Coke had dramatic relief of symptoms.
Discussion: Coke, with its phosphoric acid, citric acid and DDT (among its 112778456 known ingredients free from natural products), can dissolve the capsaicin in the chili….
I, too, would become part of surgical history by proving that Coke, apart from being a toilet cleaning, stain-removing, pest-killing, tooth-dissolving wonder, is also soothing to the burning rectum.
Imagine how cinnamon Coke enemas will help all those patients! It seems incredible that such monstrassly creative ideas are being thrown into the internet for Coke to pick up free and then use for obscene commercial benefits. A bummer of a job, I tell you!
Think about it: a ‘Chillied can of Coke’ could take on a new meaning!
PS- if you need help for piles, chilli out, and read this article of mine.