WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-08-07

Thanks, Stan Kegel!

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Senator Fred Thompson is on the show tonight, and he says he has something major to announce. In America that can only be one of three things. So he’s either pregnant, gay, or running for president. (Jay Leno)

Nicole Richie went to jail for her DUI conviction this weekend, but she only had to spend 82 minutes in prison. This is due to California’s new “minute-per-pound” rule. (Conan O’Brien)

Bush says he’ll name a replacement for Al Gonzales soon. He must be serious. Yesterday, he met with Larry Craig for three hours in the men’s room of the West Wing. (Bob Mills)

While we’re still fighting the war on terror, airport police must spend less time on gay sex and more time on bombs. I know how important it is to keep the streets safe for heterosexuality, but there are a limited number of things to do during a layover in St. Paul-and when you cross “anonymous gay sex” off the list, there’s nothing. And airport security isn’t helping! I mean, they have you take off half your clothes. Then they pat you down. Now you’re horny and you’ve got three hours to kill. (Bill Maher)

President Bush announced he plans to help out homeowners in this mortgage-lending crisis thing that’s going on. He said millions of people could lose their house, and you know, he knows what he’s talking about. Last November he lost a House and the Senate. (Jay Leno)

Both the Democratic and Republican parties have indicated they will impose sanctions on Michigan for holding an early primary. And that punishment will be forcing every person in the state to watch reruns of Appalachian State’s win over the University of Michigan last Saturday. (Jake Novak)

The undercover cop who entrapped Craig asked to be reassigned, calling it a crappy job. (Scott Witt)

Larry Craig said Tuesday he will fight the charges of sex solicitation by foot-tapping in a men’s room stall. He could survive. By claiming restless leg syndrome he thinks he can keep his job in the Senate under the Americans with Disabilities Act. (Argus Hamilton)

Lindsay Lohan was caught having sex in the bathroom while at the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Utah. Lohan apologized and said it all started while she was seated in the toilet practicing her dance tapping steps for her next movie. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton recruited her husband Bill to campaign with her in Iowa over the weekend to counter charges she’s unelectable. Electability is way overrated in presidential politics. Al Gore was elected and he still didn’t become president. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush phoned Larry Craig after he quit Saturday to wish him well. The president was the only Republican with the courage to publicly console his fallen friend. Karl Rove wasn’t gone one day and the president’s heart was back in his chest. (Argus Hamilton)

Anonymous gay sex in a men’s room? What happened to the days when our politicians were more careful and only had gay sex with congressional pages whom they knew? (Jim Barach)

Experts say there will be more than 105 million more people living in the U.S. by 2060. Those experts also believe that each and every one of them will have their own personal Starbuck’s. (Jake Novak)

LINKS TO THE WEB

Capital Steps: Mad Attorney General:

LARRY CRAIG

Idaho Sen. Larry Craig announced he would voluntarily give up his seat. Isn’t that how he got in trouble in the first place? (Jay Leno)

Needless to say, Senator Craig is also anti-gay marriage and gays in the military, which I think, shows he doesn’t let his personal needs interfere with his work. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Larry Craig has now hired Michael Vick’s attorney, Bill Martin, to defend him. The two cases are quite similar. They both involve being on all fours, and barking like a dog. (Jay Leno)

Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, “What can I say? I love public transportation.” (Conan O’Brien)

Newsweek says Larry Craig’s arresting officer, Sgt. Dave Karsnia, has a photo of himself with Dick Cheney on his desk. Let’s guess how that happened. He tried to bust Dick Cheney for lying to start a war and that was how he got assigned to the bathroom. (Argus Hamilton).

Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, a married, very anti-gay conservative Republican, was arrested by a plainclothes police officer for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport men’s room. Today the senator’s office said it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently what happened was when the senator went in to use the rest room, he accidentally grabbed the wrong penis. (Jay Leno)

There’s another scandal in Washington. One of the senator’s from Idaho, Larry Craig, was arrested in airport men’s room. Gives new meaning to the word “caucusing.” (David Letterman)

Over the past few days, there had been whispers in Republican circles that Sen. Craig had, in the words of one of the Idaho senator’s associates, “pulled out too early. He will do whatever it takes to win back the support of his constituents, even if it means getting down on his knees.” Another associate of Sen. Craig’s agreed that the Idaho senator announced his intention to vacate his Senate seat too hastily: “I think Larry now feels that to leave office on September 30 would be a premature evacuation.” (Andy Borowitz)

Sen. Craig got a key vote of support from Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Penn), who held a press conference at the Senate today to call the charges against the Idaho senator a “bum rap.” But even as Sen. Craig picked up the support of Sen. Specter, a source close to the Republican caucus indicated that most Republicans are “backing away” from Sen. Craig. For his part, Sen. Craig told reporters that he would take whatever steps are necessary to find favor with his Republican colleagues: “I will absolutely bend over backwards.” (Andy Borowitz)

Idaho Senator Larry Craig has finally announced his resignation. Craig says he’s looking forward to his new career as a men’s room attendant. (Jake Novak)

Senator Arlen Specter urged Senator Larry Craig Sunday not to resign and to fight the lewd conduct charges. No one wants him to go. Lately Americans are a lot less concerned about a senator’s family values than they are about his entertainment value. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator Craig still insisting he is not gay. And today to prove it he went back to the Minneapolis airport and tried to solicit sex in the women’s bathroom. (Jay Leno)

Sen. Larry Craig is reconsidering his decision to resign after the June arrest in a Minnesota airport sex sting. The senator said he is gonna fight for his seat like he did so many times in crowded rest rooms. (Pedro Bartes)

The police report says he tapped his foot, which means “I want gay sex.” And, also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Senator Larry Craig remained center stage Tuesday after NBC Nightly News broke the story that he will fight to keep his Senate seat. You can’t make it up. The newscast was sponsored by Flomax, for men who want to spend less time in the men’s room. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator Larry Craig hired a top lawyer Tuesday to defend him before the Senate Ethics Committee. He’s very strong on national security. Larry Craig’s defense is expected to argue that warrantless foot-tapping is necessary to protect the homeland. (Argus Hamilton)

Less than one week after announcing his intention to resign from office, embattled Sen. Larry Craig changed course today, telling reporters in Washington, “I will not blow this job.” (Andy Borowitz)

Senator Larry Craig of Idaho says there’s an explanation for his arrest in a men’s room after he extended his hand under the stall next to his — he was reaching out to the voters. (Scott Witt)

Idaho Senator Larry Craig on Monday hired Michael Vick’s attorney, Billy Martin. He negotiated Michael Vick’s dogfighting plea. It’s possible that Larry Craig has decided to plead innocent to disorderly conduct and guilty to cockfighting. (Argus Hamilton)

Idaho Senator Larry Craig announced his resignation on Saturday. On Saturday he thanked those who continued to support him and provided us with our unintentional joke of the day [on screen, Sen. Craig saying: “To have the Governor standing behind me, as he always has.”] (Jimmy Kimmel)

After announcing last week that he was going to resign from the Senate, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, you know, the rest room enthusiast, says he may change his mind and not resign. First he’s going to resign, now he’s not going. Why can’t the guy just be straight with us? (Jay Leno)

Apparently he came to this decision because Senator Arlen Specter is coming out in his defense. So his family is coming out for him, Arlen Specter is coming out for him. The only one not coming out is him (Jay Leno)

Actually, no one has even seen Senator Craig for like a week now. Nobody even knows where he is. They think he may have gone on a fishing trip for a couple of days with an old cowboy buddy to some mountain in Wyoming. (Jay Leno)

Many of his fellow Republicans want him to go because it’s hurting the Republican party. Conservatives in general, I don’t know if you know this, frown on anonymous men’s room sex (Jimmy Kimmel)

He’s having second thoughts about resigning, and I was thinking, well, he should have had second thoughts about tapping his foot in the men’s room. No, he’s changed his mind and he’s thinking he’s going to stay in the Senate, and that occurred to him after he saw the new batch of fall pages. (David Letterman)

You know who I feel sorry for in this whole thing? The undercover cop. How’d you like to have that job. Sit in an airport bathroom all day, your pants around your ankles with a coffee and a donut waiting for guys to hit on you. (Jay Leno)

Senator Larry Craig said he is reconsidering his resignation because he received thousand of phone calls from people telling him to fight for his seat. The phone calls came mostly from comedians who still have a mortgage to pay. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CANDIDATES

Speaking at a forum organized by Lance Armstrong on cancer research, Hillary Clinton told Chris Matthews if she were elected president, she would declare war on cancer, then she would support the wear on cancer for two years, then she would be against it for a year, then she would back out of it all together. (Jay Leno)

Mitt Romney faced questions Tuesday about the taxes he raised as Massachusetts governor. It turns out he placed fees on the blind, the mentally retarded and gun owners. Taxing gun owners could cost him the Republican Party nomination for president.(Argus Hamilton)

California’s U. S. Congressman Duncan Hunter won the Texas GOP straw poll Saturday with his stance in favor of a border wall with Mexico and an immigration crackdown. Senator John McCain, who favored immigration reform, finished dead last in the poll. The next day Bill Richardson called a press conference to announce he’s half-Swedish. (Argus Hamilton)

Fred Thompson, a former star of “Law & Order,” confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, he promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode. (Conan O’Brien)

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards revealed Monday his health care plan would require women to get regular breast exams. It’s almost impossible to believe. There are two Democrats in the race who are running on Bill Clinton’s record. (Argus Hamilton)

Today Ellen DeGeneres will interview Hillary Clinton for the season premiere of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.” Producers of the show promised a revealing interview in which the well known lesbian, man-eater, and pant -wearer will have the chance to speak with Ellen. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton spoke to the American Association of Retired Persons lobbyists meeting in Washington Tuesday. She promised as president she’d leave Social Security exactly as it is. This will give seniors with paid-off homes the thrill of bankruptcy. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton went on Ellen DeGeneres’s show Tuesday while Bill Clinton did Oprah and Fred Thompson prepared for the Tonight Show. Few saw them. Everybody was watching to see which Washington heavyweight would get busted this week on To Catch a Predator. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton told David Letterman Thursday that Bill had looked into being vice president. She said it’s not permitted. It would be a nice change of pace to have a vice president whose only secret agenda is to invade Cancun for the suntan oil. (Argus Hamilton)

Presidential hopeful John McCain called a student “a jerk” after the kid said McCain is too old to be president and that he would probably get Alzheimer’s while in office. When McCain was asked about the incident immediately after it occurred, the senator said he didn’t remember a thing about it. (Pedro Bartes)

Fred Thompson was 17 when he first got married, which caused a huge scandal in his small hometown in Tennessee. Apparently, he chose to marry outside the family. (Jay Leno)

Well you know Newsweek has a big cover story on Fred Thompson’s presidential campaign. You learn a lot about him. For example, he used to work at NBC, so apparently he knows how to deal with disasters. (Jay Leno)

John Edwards’ campaign got a boost Friday when the Democrat was endorsed by the United Brotherhood of Carpenters. It was important to get their endorsement before the next big debate. If the carpenters don’t like you, the trap door is under your podium. (Argus Hamilton)

Fred Thompson is all over the news. He’ll challenge Mitt Romney, John McCain and Rudy Giuliani for the Republican nomination. Apparently he’s very popular, but, here’s why Fred Thompson is not going to be our president: very simple, that’s his wife. America is not going to pick a first lady that looks like she runs a tanning salon. Have we ever had a president with a hot wife? Barbara Bush, maybe, but besides that no. (Jimmy Kimmel)

On the Democratic side of things, Oprah Winfrey is throwing a huge fund raiser for Barack Obama on Saturday on the grounds of the Promise Land, that’s her huge estate on Montecito, California. It’s projected to raise $3 million, $2 million of which is expected to come from the “Dunk Steadman” booth. (Jimmy Kimmel)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush said in an upcoming book that after he is out of the office he is going to concentrate in making money. Unlike Cheney who is going to concentrate in spending all the money he made while he was in office. (Pedro Bartes)

Bush made a surprise Iraq visit to 10,000 US troops stationed in Anbar Provence. When Air Force One landed, he got the traditional 21-gun salute—-thirteen of them aimed at Air Force One. (Bob Mills)

How about that President Bush, yesterday made a surprise visit to Iraq. I don’t know whether it was jet lag or if he was just confused, but he served the troops Thanksgiving dinner. President Bush was in Iraq for 8 hours. Nice to see he has an escape strategy. (David Letterman)

Over the weekend President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq. Any time Bush shows up in a war zone it’s pretty much a surprise I guess. But I think President Bush was a little confused. When he got off the plane in that 115-degree heat and saw those guys walking around with those big guns, he said what are you doing in LA? I thought we were going Iraq. (Jay Leno)

How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don’t you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard. (David Letterman)

In an upcoming book, President Bush said that after leaving the White House, he is thinking of making some money by giving speeches around the world. Leaders of the world are eager to hear what Bush has to say about his presidency, and then do the total opposite in their countries. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, President Bush is upset, very upset that the Iraqi parliament has failed any major legislation since taking office. I guess, of course, on the other hand, it made him feel right at home. (Jay Leno)

I learned today that President Bush is a sensitive man. There’s a new biography of the president out in which he says “I do tears,” which means he cries. And he says he cries a lot, and I think it’s kind of nice hearing that the president cries. It would be even better to hear that he reads.” –(Jimmy Kimmel)

Did you know, when President Bush is in Australia, his approval rating goes down the drain counter-clockwise? (Jay Leno)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Pretty busy day in Washington today. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and Karl Rove went to U-Haul together to help each other move. (Jay Leno)

After a new study showed that only one in 1,000 Americans knows what the First Amendment is, Vice President Dick Cheney said, “Good, then no one will notice when it’s gone.” (Andy Borowitz)

White House spokesman Tony Snow is quitting. His job was to vigorously promote and defend the Bush administration. Then he left Fox News, and went to work for the president. (Alan Ray)

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said he had to quit his job because it doesn’t pay enough to maintain a family and has run out of money. Snow said he’ll go back to working in Fox News where lies are better remunerated. (Pedro Bartes)

THE DEMOCRATS

Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, remember he resigned from office because he had a gay affair. Now he’s enrolled in a seminary school to become a priest. You may fill in your own joke. A former married governor who was having anonymous gay sex at truck stops now wants to become a member of the clergy. Well what could go wrong there? (Jay Leno)

Democratic Party and longtime Clinton donor Norman Hsu did not show up for his court date Wednesday and failed to turn in his passport. His time had come and gone. China doesn’t need to make political donations to get into Pentagon computers anymore. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

A very scary moment for four U. S. Senators and Congressmen. I guess Senator Mel Martinez, Richard Shelby, James Inhofe and Congressman Bud Cramer were visiting the troops when their C-130 cargo plane had to take evasive action to avoid gunfire, and that’s while taking off from Newark. (Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

New York police and the Coast Guard evacuated Far Rockaway Beach Saturday when sharks were spotted swimming near the jam-packed shoreline. It was uneventful. The sharks were offering teaser-rate mortgage loans to all the swimmers but nobody bit. (Argus Hamilton)

The Oakland Bay Bridge on-ramp rebuilding was finished ahead of time Monday and also under well under budget. The reasons are well known. Once the lettuce crop is harvested in California, construction projects move to the top of the priority list. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ARMED FORCES

The US Air Force reported last week that A B-52 bomber was mistakenly armed with six nuclear warheads and flown for more than three hours across several states. Apparently, it was Cheney’s secret plan to nuke every airport bathroom in the country to avoid future problems for the Republican Party. (Pedro Bartes)

The Pentagon said Tuesday that hackers broke into Defense Department computers, triggering a systems review. All desk computers have been shut down. For the next month all Pentagon employees will be forced to play solitaire with real playing cards. (Argus Hamilton)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Nicole Richie was sentenced to 82 minutes in prison. Her original sentence was four days, but that was reduced because the judge felt that it just wasn’t ridiculous enough. (Jay Leno)

IMMIGRATION

A study says that immigration could add 100 million people to the U.S. population by the year 2060. Immigration officials were shocked. They had no idea there were still that many people in Mexico. (Jim Barach)

SECURITY

President Bush worries about al-Qaida following our troops home. I worry about al-Qaida getting here while the troops are still in Iraq? Who’s going to defend us, the ROTC? (Joe Hickman)

The TSA has begun using an improved airport luggage scanner that’s better at recognizing shapes. Correcting a problem that plagued the previous scanners, it can distinguish between batteries attached to bombs from those attached to sex toys. (Bob Mills)

SPACE & NASA

Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who put on a diaper and then drove cross-country to kidnap another astronaut’s girlfriend, has announced that she’s going to plead insanity. When they heard about Nowak’s insanity defense, the jury said: “Please, you had us at diaper.” (Conan O’Brien)

Lisa Nowak asked a judge Friday to remove her ankle monitor as she awaits trial for assaulting her astronaut love rival. The judge met her halfway. She can remove the ankle monitor but she can only leave the house to appear on the Jerry Springer Show. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ

Said Bush’s number two man in Iraq, Lt. Gen. Ray Odierno: “I think that if we continue doing what we are doing, we’ll get to such a level where we think we can do it with less troops.” It’s “fewer troops,” but hey, English is kind of an elective at West Point. (Bob Mills)

According to the latest progress report, the Iraqi government has met only three of the eighteen benchmarks imposed upon them by the Bush administration. Not too bad if you compare it to Bush’s report card at Yale. (Bob Mills)

On the Government Accountability Office report on Iraq: They say Iraq has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks they had to meet. To give you an idea of how pathetic that is, Lindsay Lohan is doing better in rehab. (Bill Maher)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

18-wheeler trucks from Mexico will soon be allowed to drive into the United States… or as the illegal immigrants like to call them: “mobile homes.” (Jake Novak)

CUBA

Fidel Castro wrote a column Tuesday in which he predicted Hillary Clinton will be elected president. He has a natural affinity for the Clintons. When they’re in the White House, Cuban cigars wind up on the front page of every newspaper in America. (Argus Hamilton)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Russian leader Vladimir Putin gets his picture taken a lot with his shirt off. We used to have a pantless president, they’ve got a shirtless president. But people are stunned the Russian president appearing in public without a shirt. And I was thinking, “Well heck, our president often appears in public without a brain.” (David Letterman)

SCIENCE

Science is confirming what most women know: When given the choice for a mate, men go for good looks, except for the guys who prefer someone who tenderly taps their foot in the men’s bathroom. (Jake Novak)

HEALTH

The U. S. government clamped down on prescription drug imports from Canada again, provoking customer fury. It’s perplexing. You would have thought that once Baby Boomers ran the federal government, the war on drugs would stop at arthritis medicine. (Argus Hamilton)

According to a new study, Mississippi is the fattest state in the country with 30 percent of its residents listed as obese. Which makes sense because Mississippi’s state bird is the Chicken McNugget. (Conan O’Brien)

SPORTS

The NFL season begins. Though it’s just a game, pro football has come to reinforce two important values for our culture. Excessive violence and illegal gambling. (Alan Ray)

Vick blamed his legal problems on being immature. Immature! You know kids today with their skateboards and the highly organized dog fighting rings they all have. (Jay Leno)

Michael Vick pled guilty and apologized for his actions. Vick’s exact quote was, “Sorry, I’m a cat person.” (Conan O’Brien)

A Georgia judge has ordered Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry to pay a lot of child support. He’s fathered nine children by nine different women in four different states. And that was just the pre-season. The regular season doesn’t even start till next week. (Jay Leno)

A day after losing to tremendous underdog Appalachian State, the University of Michigan football team is still trying to figure out what happened. Recruiting an entire freshmen class that could actually read was probably their first mistake. (Jake Novak)

The U.S. Open’s been going on. I haven’t seen this many white people in one place since the Republican convention. (Matt Passet)

PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem hinted Thursday that drug testing of tour golfers for performance-enhancing drugs will likely start next year. It won’t include pot. Marijuana is only a performance-enhancing drug if you are in a hot dog-eating contest. (Argus Hamilton)

The Washington Nationals were accused of stealing signs in L. A. Wednesday. When the catcher wiggled his hand to the pitcher, the runner wiggled his hand to the batter. Good thing they are no longer the Senators or they’d all be arrested for lewd conduct. (Argus Hamilton)

After an intense steroid investigation, the WWE has suspended eleven wrestlers… for NOT using steroids. (Jake Novak)

ENTERTAINMENT

Producers in Hollywood are working on a remake of the classic “Wizard of Oz”, and they say it will be much darker than the original. Apparently, in the remake, Toto isn’t chased by the Wicked Witch of the West, he’s chased by Michael Vick. (Conan O’Brien)

Whoopi Goldberg started her stint on ABC’s “The View” by defending Michael Vick. Well that makes sense, dog fighting is what “The View is all about. (Jake Novak)

THE MEDIA

Rupert Murdoch was able to close his deal to buy Dow Jones with a convincing argument. Noting that his businesses never lose, he said he’ll demand the same from the Dow Jones Industrial Average. (Scott Witt)

Dan Rather is back on TV with a program on an obscure cable channel known as HDnet. Although not many people can get that channel, his show can be seen on all four TVs in Rather’s New York apartment. When he accidentally unplugged one of the TVs, his ratings sank by 25%. (Scott Witt)

The CBS Evening News announced Wednesday Katie Couric will anchor the newscast from Iraq Tuesday. She will be in Iraq for a week reporting on the action outside the Green Zone. Let nobody say CBS doesn’t know how to get out of a long-term contract. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Jerry Lewis is under fire for using an anti-gay slur during his annual telethon this Labor Day Weekend, a telethon that raised nearly $64 million, topping last year’s event by $3 million. After such an incredible success, charities organizations have already booked Isaac Washington and radio host Michael Savage to host future charity events. (Pedro Bartes)

Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin 76 years old tomorrow. Actually, he’ll be 91. He doesn’t like to count the 15 years he spent with Kathie Lee. (David Letterman)

Leona Helmsley passed away a couple of weeks ago, and left $12 million to her dog. And today, the dog got engaged to Ellen Barkin. Big deal. Trump is leaving $50 million to that thing on his head. Here’s what?’ going to happen: Leona’s dog is going to use that $12 million to organize fights between NFL players. (David Letterman)

Leona Helmsley left $12 million to her dog. Today, Larry Birkhead claimed to be the father of that dog. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Leona Helmsley left her dog $12 million. The dog is a tiny Maltese, or as Michael Vick calls it, “an appetizer.” (David Letterman)

Andy Dick is accused of lewd behavior in an Ohio comedy club, including inappropriate behavior in the men’s room. Who does he think he is, a Senator? (Jim Barach)

While preparing for the upcoming Miss America pageant, Miss Tennessee was bitten on the foot by a rattlesnake. Luckily for her, Miss teen South Carolina was on hand and immediately performed the Heimlich maneuver on her. (Jay Leno)

EDUCATION

What do you think of this? An elementary school in Colorado has banned the game of tag. You think that’s good? Hey forget banning tag in school. How about banning tag from the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport? (Jay Leno)

BUSINESS

Dell computers is offering refunds for customers in China who sued after getting the wrong microprocessors in their lap tops. Apparently the Americans speaking to the Chinese through their workers in India somehow had some sort of miscommunication. (Jim Barach)

Dunkin Donuts announced they’re going to eliminate trans fats from every item on their menu even their donuts. Yeah, but don’t worry, most Dunkin Donuts customers have enough trans fat stored in their ass to last a lifetime. (Conan O’Brien)

Orville Redenbacher dropped its artificial butter flavoring chemical Wednesday when it was found to cause lung illness. Reaction was swift. When Congress heard that microwave popcorn causes lung disease, they slapped a two-dollar-a-bag tax on it. (Argus Hamilton)

Steve Jobs has unveiled a new iPod that can hold up to 40,000 songs… or keep you amused until you finally get through aiport security, whichever comes first. (Jake Novak)

POLLS & STUDIES

A Zogby poll says that 54 percent of Americans believe the Iraq war has not been lost. Coincidentally, these are the same people who have subprime mortgages. (Jim Barach)

A conservative research group says a new report shows that 105 million people will be added to the U.S. population by 2060, apparently caused by the import of Chinese condoms. (Pedro Bartes)

OTHER

The Postal Service has unveiled a 41 cent stamp honoring President Gerald R. Ford. With a special feature. If you fail to attach enough postage, it pardons you. (Bob Mills)

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