According to CNN, the political party, Pure People for Polygamy needs to be formed, as this fundamental human right is being trampled on by that most repressive country, America.
After 115 days on the FBI’s most-wanted list and a year in solitary confinement in a jail called Purgatory, the leader of the nation’s largest polygamist sect is going on trial in St. George, Utah.
Warren Steed Jeffs, 51, is the President and Prophet, Seer and Revelator of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, also known as the FLDS. He stands accused of being an accomplice to rape. The trial is in its fourth day of jury selection.
Since this gentleman is now the recipient of the best contained-care that American money can buy, I propose a successor to carry forward the glorious tradition of polygamy: me.
Here is why I think I will be best suited for the post, and why life, for me, will be more fun in Jeffs’ place and a great career move:
They are forbidden to watch television or movies.
TV is not of any interest to me, but when you say no movies, I know you mean others can’t watch the movies I, The Leader, do. Me, I can watch anything, but I understand that I must say ‘no movies for the flock’. Just the way Senators can be fervent family-oriented folk in public and be soliciting gay sex in toilets at the same time.
Former followers say red, thought to be the color of evil, is banned.
Red is dead, as all of us know. Pink, or green should do it for me. No probs!
Followers believe Jeffs is a prophet, a blood descendant of Jesus who receives revelations directly from God.
A problem here, I must admit. I don’t care about Gods. I guess I can pretend to be one myself. Looks like these suckers will believe anything!
Under Jeffs, exiles charged, followers were taught men couldn’t get into highest level of heaven without at least three wives.
Yes, after spending a life in hell, you ought to get to Heaven. Anything less would suck more than having three discontented women fighting over who gets to do the dishes and who gets first try at the bathroom.
Women were ordered to submit to their husbands, who were their ticket to heaven.
Disobedient wives who don’t “keep sweet” have been sent to mental institutions.
I wonder who runs these mental institutions, and in which mental institution these people are kept.
However, I prefer to keep my various wives obedient by feeding them poached eggs of the orange-headed Sumatran salamander. And by generally walking on my knees.
Come to think of it, even Warren Jeffs has ulcers on his knees!