A Twist Of Word And Mind has some very highly placed sources in the White House (among many other power centers), namely the President’s dog-walker. You know, the guy who walks Barney. Barney carried away the transcripts of President Bush’s speech to the Nation due later tonight, with (I notice) corrections made by his speechwriter. The following are the excerpts (emphasis my computer’s):
fallow fellow Americans,
There are certain peeples who expect me to announce the withdrawal of our brave soljurs from Iraq. Senator Hillary Clinton has written an open letter to me saying withdrawal “is simply too little, too late, and unacceptable to this Congress.” Well, I guess, as Bill’s wife, no one knows this better than her, so I will take her word for it.
But, let me tell her, and her fellow leftist loonies: “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!”
Starting the end of this Holy period of Ramadan, we are gonna bust the sorry asses of all those Iraqis who are against us. I have invited the Rushan Prezdent
Bloody Pootin Vlady Putin to move in to Iraq.
As we all know, he is a great defender of freedom, and is a modern day
Scar for Freedom Tsar for freedom. Prezdent Pootin has kindly agreed to test a an upgraded version of the ‘Father of all Bombs’ in select 90% parts of Iran, where the al Qaida is hiding. The new bomb (developed with the new iPod Touch technology) will play the national anthem of the selected country before it sucks everything inside its giant vacuum. Bombing has never been so user friendly and entertaining, to say nothing for its enviable social status across the world.
shallow fellow Americans, no longer will American blood be spilled in Iraq. We need them bloodsuckers in Iran to get a taste of what we can do to bring freedom to the vast 1% of Iranians who can read English pamphlets. We are going to teach Iran not to disturb the ongoing fight for freedom from Iraq freedom for Iraq.
As you know, we have been very successful in checking the proliferation of the Islamic terrorists. At the present rate of killings, we estimate that there will be no Iraqis left by 2010. Some oil may, however, be still available, and we will have absolutely no interest in exploiting it.
Hopefully, Iran will also be rid of terrorists. I am told there may not be any young Americans left either, but we will draft in all those people who are shying away from duty to the country on the cowardly grounds that they belong to the 66% of Americans who are too fat to fight.
If the Supreme Court declares that unconstitutional, we will open up the Mexico border and give every potential immigrant a resident visa. They get free health care in this great country, already!
Talking of which, I have very clearly told our country’s scientists that they are the torch bearers of freedom. We believe in freedom. We believe that God meant America to be great, because it is the most free country on earth, as Mexicans and Bangladeshis know.
Today, I am authorizing the Surgeon General to order the closure of all genetic research labs across the US and its colonies. British Prime Minister Brown has also accepted this. We have to defend the freedom of the egg as a potential human being. We cannot
condom condone this wanton killing of God’s own creatures in the name of science. I propose to Congress that we defend the right of each sperm as a potential human being who eats burgers and Coke for breakfast, supersize that! Let them come forward to defend the spermatozoa as God’s own children-in-waiting.
Who says science will not progress without genetic research? Look at what bombs we will launch against Iran: it is absolutely amazing what a pilot can do! Look at the Biblical sciences. This evolution thing.
(Speechwriter: damn that dog! BARNEY!!)