WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-15-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That’s like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. (David Letterman)

David Petraeus has a new bumper sticker on his Hummer as he cruises the roads around Baghdad. “Warning: A determined surgin’ General can be hazardous to your health.” (Gary Hallock)

A conservative research group says a new report shows that 105 million people will be added to the U.S. population by 2060, apparently caused by the import of Chinese condoms. (Pedro Bartes)

Over half of Americans polled recently said they believe the Constitution designates the US as a “Christian nation.” Even more alarming, three quarters of them think the Declaration of Independence was signed by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John Hancock. (Bob Mills)

Thirty public and private colleges are offering minors in gay studies. That’s different from Catholic Seminaries, where they study gay minors. (Jim Barach)

According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans said they’d rather have Bill Clinton as their father than President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away with a lot more, don’t you think? “Look, I won’t mention you coming home late, if you don’t mention me coming home late.” (Jay Leno)

Yesterday in Australia, a TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush’s hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him. (Bill Maher)

Have you heard the latest on men’s room enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig? He has taken back his guilty plea. He’s changed it to just curious. Have you heard his defense? Senator Craig now says his arrest has to be overturned because under the Constitution — and this is true — a senator cannot be arrested on his way to or from the Capitol if they are on official business. So apparently, he was striking a blow for freedom. It’s kind of ironic. The whole time he was copping a feel, he was actually feeling a cop. (Jay Leno)

GENERAL DAVID PETRAEUS

Earlier today was the big Iraq report. General Petraeus said the troops can start coming home next summer. I believe his exact words were, “And then it’s Hillary’s mess.” (David Letterman)

General David Petraeus testified before congress about the situation in Iraq, and presented what for a lot of people was a cooked report. The hearing was broadcast by C-Span and the Food Network. (Pedro Bartes)

With most of the country against the war, our top military man in Iraq, General Petraeus, says he does not know if the war is making us safer. In fact, for a lot people, it’s more dangerous like Republicans. (Jay Leno)

Yesterday, General David Petraeus testified before the Senate for 10 hours with just two bathroom breaks. During the same period, Senator Larry Craig took 73 bathroom breaks. (Conan O’Brien)

LARRY CRAIG

Bathroom party animal Idaho Senator Larry Craig wants to withdraw his guilty plea. Now he claims he wasn’t touching another guy in the stall, he was simply gerrymandering the bathroom. (Alex Kaseberg)

But he [Craig] did say today that if he is found guilty, he would be willing to do some kind of community service. You know, like picking up papers in the men’s room. (Jay Leno)

Supporters of Senator Larry Craig are calling for a boycott of the airport in Minneapolis. Apparently they want to carry out some sort of sit down strike. (Jim Barach)

Senator Larry Craig is now saying that his constitutional rights were violated when he was arrested in an airport’s men’s room. Craig was furious. He said, “When I got to a men’s room, I do the violating. (Conan O’Brien)

Larry Craig filed a motion with the Minneapolis court to withdraw his disorderly conduct guilty plea. Still making poor decisions, he had his lawyer type it up on a roll of Charmin. (Bob Mills)

BRITNEY SPEARS

Everybody’s talking about the MTV Awards. Did anybody see Britney Spears? They said that she appeared sluggish. They said she was glassy-eyed. Sounds to me like somebody could use another hour in rehab. Although, General Petraeus thought it went quite well. (David Letterman)

Britney Spears tried to make her comeback at the MTV Music Video Awards in Las Vegas; it didn’t go well. In fact, Britney did everything she could to ruin her career short of organizing and betting on dog fights. (Alex Kaseberg)

Britney Spears opened Sunday Night the MTV video awards performing her new song “Gimme More,” which according to the way she looked on stage means gimme more Cheetos, ciggies, burgers, and of course, talent. (Pedro Bartes)

Britney Spears gave a heavily criticized comeback performance at the MTV Music Video Awards in Las Vegas. They showed rapper 50 Cent in the audience cringing. You know a performance is bad when a guy who’s been shot nine times can’t take it. (Alex Kaseberg)

Britney Spears has a CD coming out in November. She’s reportedly working on a number she hasn’t done in quite a while. 1-800-Jenny. (Alan Ray)

THE CANDIDATES

A new novelty item is now being sold. Get this, it’s a Hillary Clinton nutcracker that cracks nuts between its legs. Yeah, Hillary calls the nutcracker silly, and Bill Clinton calls it chillingly lifelike (Conan O’Brien)

Oprah Winfrey raised three million dollars for Barack Obama Sunday at her home in Santa Barbara. The tickets were two thousand dollars apiece and it was standing room only. That’s how many people want to have Oprah’s endorsement on their book cover. (Argus Hamilton)

Democratic presidential candidates met in Miami Sunday for a debate sponsored by Univision. The questions were asked in Spanish but answered in English and then retranslated into Spanish. The next morning Hillary Clinton watched the Today Show to find out she has promised citizenship to people who do the jobs al-Qaeda refuses to do. (Argus Hamilton)

Fred Thompson told Iowans Friday that al-Qaeda’s ban on smoking was one reason why Sunnis in Anbar province changed sides and joined the U.S. It sounds nutty but it is quite logical. What’s the point in being a suicide bomber who’s trying to quit? (Argus Hamilton)

Former “Law & Order” star Fred Thompson is now in the race. He just unveiled his campaign slogan: “United in Our Core Beliefs.” If the slogan’s a hit, Thompson plans to unveil another one: “United in Our Core Beliefs: Special Victims Unit” (Conan O’Brien)

PRESIDENT BUSH

On September 11, American’s across the nation commemorated the attack on the World Trade Towers. Even Bush. He reread “My Pet Goat.” (Bob Mills)

President Bush said yesterday he was angered by the fact that Democrats had a presidential debate in a language he cannot totally understand. The sad part was he was not talking about the Democratic presidential debate in Spanish, but rather about the one they had two weeks ago in English. (Pedro Bartes)

This week, President Bush met with Chinese President Hu Jintao, and Hu invited Bush to the 2008 Summer Olympics in China. Bush told the president, “I’m busy next year, but pencil me in for 2009.” (Conan O’Brien)

While he was in Australia, President Bush accidentally referred to Australian troops as Austrian troops. And he called it the OPEC summit instead of APEC summit. Even though he made a lot of mistakes he still got a congratulatory phone call from Miss Teen South Carolina. (Jay Leno)

President Bush has embarrassed himself and the nation in Australia today. I don’t know if you know this, he was at the APEC convention, he said it was OPEC. Then he referred to the Australians as the Austrians, and then he almost walked off the edge of the stage and killed himself. He was going to step on a rake and have it hit him on the head, but he was saving that for the French. (Bill Maher)

President Bush addressed the nation and announced that thirty thousand American troops will come back to their homes. He then corrected himself and said that only few of them will come back to their homes, because lots of them lost their houses to the mortgage crisis and will be forced to live with their parents. (Pedro Bartes)

In a new book about President Bush, he admits he cries every night. Mostly when he sees his poll ratings. (Jim Barach)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Rumsfeld called Afghanistan “a big success.” Not big enough for a “Mission Accomplished” banner maybe, but big. (Bob Mills)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton is the subject of a new biography by Taylor Branch made from seventy taped interviews they conducted during his eight years in office. The author said the former president wanted a complete oral history of his presidency. The idea of an oral history wasn’t nearly as funny when they started as it was when they finished. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

Congress has initiated legislation for a salary increase. The vote is expected to be split along party lines, with Republican members of Congress in favor of the measure, and Democratic members of Congress in favor of the measure (Craig Kilborn)

A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman. (Jay Leno)

THE COURTS

An appeals court has tossed out Tennessee’s “crack tax” on illegal drugs. The “crack tax” is not to be confused with communities that have outlawed wearing thongs. (Jim Barach)

THE STATES

There is a law waiting approval in the California legislature to ban spanking. The ironic part – if put into place the fine for spanking will be a slap on the wrist. (Jay Leno)

Prison officials had to use tear gas in a prison riot in New Jersey. Or as they call tear gas in New Jersey: air freshener. (Alex Kaseberg)

LOCAL NEWS

A judge has struck down a New York City rule requiring fast-food restaurants to post calorie content on menus, saying it conflicts with federal law, and nobody knows how many calories are in a cockroach anyway. (Jake Novak)

In Mississippi, a Taco Bell had to close because workers saw a snake in the restaurant; witnesses say the snake was so big and frightening, it almost scared the rats half to death. (Alex Kaseberg)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A Kentucky man on a Frontier Airlines flight has been accused of fondling himself. He claims he was just trying to grab onto something when the plane hit turbulence and both arm rests were taken. (Jim Barach)

TERRORISM & OSAMA BIN LADEN

In a new videotape, Osama bin Laden urges his followers to take greater advantage of the 9/11 anniversary. Of course, to really do that they’d have to join the Rudy Giuliani campaign. (Jake Novak)

In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam ’cause there are no taxes. He’s now running third in Iowa. Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he’ll throw in a free prayer rug. (Jay Leno)

In his latest video, Osama bin Laden urges all Americans to reject democracy and convert to Islam. Well, I can see that happening. Is this guy living in a cave? No, bin Laden said he wants Americans to convert to Islam because there are no taxes in his world. Which is true. There’s also no music, no ice, no books and from the looks of bin Laden, no toothpaste or deodorant either (Jay Leno)

IRAQ

President Bush told an Australian official that the U.S. is “kicking ass” in Iraq. He apparently meant we are finally beating the insurgents who are carrying out their attacks on mule back. (Jim Barach)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Thousands of faulty condoms made in China had to be returned to the U.S. Health Department. Apparently the lead paint made them very hard to use. (Jim Barach)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

The Russians have tested a new bomb that is four times more powerful than any US bomb. Unless you count Britney Spears’ MTV openin (Gorsefeathers)

HEALTH

The life expectancy for Americans is nearly 78 years, the longest in U.S. history. That’s really good news for teenagers, because they might get the chance to see the American troops pulling out of Iraq one day. (Pedro Bartes)

THE ENVIRONMENT

FEMA announced that it would commemorate the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina by returning phone calls from 2005. (Andy Borowitz)

SPORTS

Incredible. There is a pro or college football game on the air almost every night now. Advertisers have come to the conclusion that the more marriages they can break up, the more beer they will sell. (Argus Hamilton)

Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick has tried to play down the significance of his teams illegal spying, and today he absolutely denied operating secret prisons last year in NFL Europe. (Gorsefeathers)

The New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was fined $500,000 for spying on the New York Jets. Is anyone surprised the Patriots cheat? They play in Gillette stadium. Of course they shave points. (Alex Kaseberg)

The FedEx Cup this weekend will award the winner a ten million dollar annuity when he turns sixty-five. The golfers’ spouses are not happy with the prize money arrangements. By their calculations, that money will go to their husband’s fourth wife. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

Television’s Emmy Awards will be given Sunday. The drama “House” is about a genius doctor who can diagnose a patient in seconds. It’s nominated in the category “best science fiction.” (Alan Ray)

CELEBRITIES

O.J. Simpson has been questioned as an alleged suspect at an alleged theft at the Palace Casino in Las Vegas; as you know, OJ is also the alleged killer of his wife Nicole Brown and her friend, Ron Goldman, who are both allegedly dead. (Alex Kaseberg)

Rosie O’Donnell has trashed her own novel on her Web site. It’s finally happened. She has run out of people to pick fights with, so now she’s going after herself. (Jim Barach)

t’s a sign of the Apocalypse. Kevin Federline is working. Britney Spears is out of show business. And the Cubs are in first place. (Gorsefeathers)

Country star Sara Evans’ husband is asking the singer in a court filing to admit she was romantically involved with nearly a dozen other people during their marriage. Evans lawyers are responding by reminding everyone that country music songs don’t write themselves. (Jake Novak)

RELIGION

Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they’re saying that Bush doesn’t know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he’ll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas. (Conan O’Brien)

CULTURE

The Powerball Lottery was won by an Indiana man and his two adult children, who came forward Monday. They will split three hundred fifteen million dollars. It’s always a good day in America when one more family can drive a fancier car than Leona Helmsley’s dog. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS

Burger King will now sell apple slices — served in a french-fry-like cup — to add a fresh fruit option to its menu. But they only come as part of a value meal with a bacon-triple cheeseburger and chocolate shake. (Jake Novak)

3 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-15-07

  1. // it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him. (Bill Maher)//
    //The life expectancy for Americans is nearly 78 years, the longest in U.S. history. That’s really good news for teenagers, because they might get the chance to see the American troops pulling out of Iraq one day.//
    //Burger King will now sell apple slices — served in a french-fry-like cup — to add a fresh fruit option to its menu. But they only come as part of a value meal with a bacon-triple cheeseburger and chocolate shake. (Jake Novak)- I liked these the most.

  2. These remind me of one of the Bumper Sticker thats getting quite famous out here. It says :
    “One Nation Under Surveillance: Bush Is Listening, Use Big Words”

  3. Pedro Bartes quote – rocks!

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