WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-22-07

Thanks, Stan Kegel!

According to a new AP poll, most people see the Iraq war as a
failure. President George W. Bush said, “Well, most people didn’t
elect me.” (Matt Passet)

UNICEF says that the fact that more children are surviving around the
world than ever before is having a big impact in our society. For
example, if you go to California catholic churches nowadays, they
have a separate collection plate for future settlements. (Pedro Bartes)

Al Gore won an Emmy last night. Actually, you know the secret to his
win? This time, they actually counted the votes. (Jay Leno)

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has been fined a half
million dollars for spying on other teams and stealing their signals.
He says he thought it was legal under the “Patriots Act.” (Jim Barach)

The United States Treasury’s makeup department changed the appearance
of the five dollar bill. Apparently, they are making it look more
like the one dollar bill, which is more or less what it is worth now.
(Pedro Bartes)

Los Angeles has the worst traffic in America according to a study
released Tuesday. The methodology sealed the deal. All cities have
car traffic, but when they added porn trafficking, drug trafficking
and the trafficking of illegal aliens, it was no contest. (Argus
Hamilton)

General Petraeus testified before Congress and said the surge is
working. He said we want to draw down troops, 30,000 troops, by next
May. Of course, we just sent in 30,000 troops. So you send in 30,000
and you take away 30,000 — it’s called Operation Bulimia. (Bill Maher)

Sen. Larry Craig didn’t get back to Congress on time this week. His
colleagues thought his flight was late, but it turns out he was just
stalling. (Paul Benoit)

President Bush addressed the nation last night on this troop
situation in Iraq. He said the best method, he believes, is a limited
pullout. I don’t know. Guys? Guys, that ever work for you? A limited
pullout? (Jay Leno)

“The jury in the Phil Spector murder trial is hung, judge says.”
Maybe I am a bit sensitive but is CNN trying to sneak in a little
porn? (Marsha Coleman)

Mexican President Vicente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he
says Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, in fairness, he speaks
grade school English too. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Will Ferrell is auctioning off a cameo role in his new movie to raise
money for charity. Whatever happened to the old way of deciding on
parts, the casting couch? (Jim Barach)

Today, the director of National Intelligence asked Congress to expand
the government’s power to read people’s e-mails and spy on their
phone conversations. The Intelligence Director admitted he got the
idea from the New England Patriots. (Conan O’Brien)

O. J. SIMPSON

O.J. Simpson was arrested yesterday for armed robbery in connection
with a break-in at a Las Vegas hotel. When the cops cuffed him and
took him to jail, O.J. was thrilled and said, “I’ve still got
it.” (Conan O’Brien)

O J Simpson has been charged by Las Vegas police with two counts of
robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly
weapon, conspiracy to commit burglary and burglary with a firearm–
charges that could result in 1-15 years in prison. Close call. One
more firearm charge and he would have lost his Ginzu Carving Knife
endorsement deal. A lucky break. Nothing in the charges mention an
airport men’s room. (Bob Mills)

O.J. Simpson has been arrested for armed robbery and might end up
spending a long time in jail. Unfortunately for O.J. the position of
runner for the movie “The Longest Yard” was already given to Michael
Vick. (Pedro Bartes)

O. J. still in trouble. It turns out there’s an audio tape of the
robbery. So there’s multiple witnesses and an audio tape. Now in
California, that’s enough to get you acquitted. (Craig Ferguson)

O.J. Simpson was arrested in Las Vegas Sunday on seven charges of
armed robbery of a hotel guest at Palace Station. If convicted of all
the charges he could face one hundred years in prison. When O.J.
Simpson goes to Las Vegas, he stays in Las Vegas. (Argus Hamilton)

The Phil Spector jury is dead-locked and O.J. Simpson is out on bail;
with any luck O.J. and Phil may yet make their appointment to go
speed-dating with Robert Blake. (Alex Kaseberg)

According to Entertainment Tonight, after O.J. posted bail, he left
the Clark County Detention Center and boarded a plane back to
Florida. How screwed up the Airline Industry is that a murderer and
probably soon-to-be-convicted thief and kidnapper can board a plane,
but a hot woman wearing a slightly skimpy outfit gets kicked out of
the plane? (Pedro Bartes)

Just days after being arrested for armed robbery of sports
memorabilia, former football great O. J. Simpson announced today that
he was the author of a new book entitled, “If I Robbed Them. ”
Speaking at a press conference in Las Vegas, Mr. Simpson described
his latest literary venture, which he called “an attempt to get
inside the mind of someone who would commit armed robbery of sports
memorabilia.” “Personally, participating in armed robbery of sports
memorabilia is something that I would never do,” Mr. Simpson said.
“That’s what made writing this book such a challenge, imagination-
wise.” (Andy Borowitz)

O.J. Simpson was released on bail today. O.J. was charged with two
counts of robbery with a deadly weapon. The deadly weapon, of course,
was O.J. (Jay Leno)

O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on a $125,000 bail today
in Las Vegas. O.J. has been charged with 10 felonies, including
robbery with a deadly weapon and kidnapping. He could get life in
prison for all this. Isn’t that something? You kill two people, you
get nothing — but steal your own football jersey, you go away for
life. (Jimmy Kimmel)

O.J. Simpson’s lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He
said if he was anyone besides O.J. he would have been released by
now. If he was anyone but O.J., he’d be serving life for double
murder right now. (Jay Leno)

After being arrested and jailed for robbing sports memorabilia at
gunpoint in Las Vegas, O.J. Simpson is out on bail; this trial will
not be easy for OJ’s lawyer. You try and find something that rhymes
with memorabilia besides hemophilia. “Give us back OJ’s memorabilia,
or you will bleed like you got hemophilia.” (Alex Kaseberg)

THE MINNESOTA AIRPORT

Minneapolis Airport officials said Monday tourists are swarming the
men’s room where Larry Craig was arrested. It’s the biggest tourist
attraction in Minnesota. The Twins went into the toilet in September
just to see if it would boost attendance. (Argus Hamilton)

The airport bathroom in Minneapolis where Senator Larry Craig was
arrested has become a tourist attraction. Isn’t that unbelievable?
See, when I travel, I like to go to the men’s rooms that the locals
use, not some tourist trap” –Jay Leno

The bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport where Larry Craig was
arrested has now become a tourist attraction where people go to have
their pictures taken. Not only that, for $10, Larry Craig will
autograph your penis. (Conan O’Brien)

The airport men’s room where Larry Craig was busted is now a popular
tourist attraction. Joining Ted Haggart’s choir loft and Mark Foley’s
apartment on the route of Grayline’s “Compassionate Republicans
Family Values Closeted Gay Hypocrites Trysts & Twists Magical Mystery
Tour.” (Bob Mills)

The Minneapolis Airport men’s room where Sen. Larry Craig was
arrested has turned into a tourist attraction. The tourists are
impressed at just how friendly the occupants of the bathroom are. One
tourist was overheard at the urinal saying; “That’s nice of you but
I’ll shake it myself.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Tourists are flocking to Minneapolis to the bathroom where Senator
Larry Craig was arrested. It’s like a tourist attraction. People are
actually going to the airport now to see it. In fact, today Senator
Craig called it “The Happiest Place On Earth.” They have a sign at
the door: “Your stance must be this wide to get in.” (Jay Leno)

THE CANDIDATES

Presidential candidate Fred Thompson who has been reluctant to join
the other candidates in televised debates has announced he will join
the debate schedule in October. Thompson’s only demands are that he
be given a copy of the script two weeks in advance and he doesn’t do
nude scenes. (Gorsefeathers)

Time magazine’s cover story is about the presidential candidate’s
spouses. Did you know 61-year-old Dennis Kucinich’s 29-year-old wife,
Elizabeth, has a tongue stud? If he wins we’ll have to install a
stripper pole in the White House. (Alex Kaseberg)

During his visit to England, Rudy Giuliani told reporters that he is
one of the four or five best known Americans in the
world .Unfortunately for Giuliani, most Americans know him only as
the hot guy in drag. (Pedro Bartes)

In an attempt to buy senior votes, Barack Obama promises to eliminate
income taxes for elderly people. But his scheme probably won’t work
because most of his target audience won’t be able to remember which
candidate made the promise. (Scott Witt)

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says he might run for president if
supporters will pledge $30 million by November. And if he doesn’t run
for president, he’ll still send every donor a free mug and tote bag.
(Jake Novak)

Last week, it got a little dramatic. Senator Hillary Clinton called
General Petraeus a liar. And believe this, if there’s one thing she
knows, it’s how to spot a guy who’s lying. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton unveiled her $110 billion universal health care plan
today, insisting that: “Here in America people are dying because they
couldn’t get the care they needed when they were sick.” Actually, in
America people are dying because they couldn’t get the care they
needed after eating 11 Big Macs a week. (Jake Novak)

Rudy Giuliani accused Hillary Clinton of smearing General Petraeus
during the Senate Armed Services hearings Tuesday. They walked into
the hearing room together shoulder to shoulder. If she smeared him he
managed to wipe it off his mouth just in time. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she’ll give back the eight hundred fifty
thousand dollars to donors recruited by arrested Democratic donor
Norman Hsu. Her campaign plans to ask each of the donors to re-donate
the money. Hillary’s going back on a promise she made to herself
thirty years ago that she would never do the laundry. (Argus Hamilton)

Yesterday during a speech, Jesse Jackson criticized Barack Obama, and
said Obama’s been acting like he’s white. Obama said Jackson’s
comments were hurtful, and they completely ruined his night at the
Jimmy Buffett concert. (Conan O’Brien)

Hillary Clinton took a chance and unveiled a health care reform plan
on Monday in Des Moines. It’s a huge break for Newt Gingrich’s
presidential hopes. The last time Hillary Clinton proposed a health
care reform plan she elected him House Speaker. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday her health care plan would require every
American to have health insurance. It’s very innovative. Her plan
will allow people who are struggling to pay for housing, for food and
for college to struggle to pay for health care. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator Barack Obama proposed an eighty-five billion dollar tax cut
Monday. He has got the looks, he’s got the voice, he’s got the
confidence and now he’s got the tax cuts. If he can just get his kids
to stop speaking to him, he’s Ronald Reagan. (Argus Hamilton)

Several major corporations are backing Hillary Clinton’s health care
plan… mostly because they’ll need someone else to care for all the
Americans their poisoning with imported Chinese products. (Jake Novak)

PRESIDENT BUSH

How many saw the president’s speech last Thursday night?. He offered
really no new strategy that I saw, but, of course, a new slogan:
“Return on Success.” Sounds like a Dr. Phil book. (Bill Maher)

President Bush refuted Alan Greenspan’s charge that he seemed “bored”
by economics, telling reporters, “I’m much more bored by education,
health care and the environment.” (Andy Borowitz)

In a new book, former Mexican President Vicente Fox says George W.
Bush’s Spanish is at best grade school level. Unfortunately, so is
his History, Math, Science. (Jay Leno)

THE ADMINISTRATION

President Bush named retired U. S. Judge Michael Mukasey to be
Attorney General in a move deemed conciliatory. Last year he ruled
that terror suspects are entitled to due process. This is the lawyer
Dick Cheney was shooting at when he hit the other one. (Argus Hamilton).

Gonzales has now done to promote more short-term memory loss than any
other Hispanic American, breaking the old mark held by Cheech. (Jon
Stewart)

In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the
way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice
President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a
soldier. I’ll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him.
(Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton is calling Vice President Dick Cheney, “Darth Vader.”
She should know after all the years she’s been married to Jabba the
Hut. (Jake Novak)

THE DEMOCRATS

In Tennessee, Democratic State Rep. Rob Briley, the chair of the
Judiciary Committee, got drunk, fled the scene of an accident, and
led police on a 100 mph chase. When the cops pulled the guns on him,
he demanded to finish his drink. He’ s now been charged with
impersonating a Hollywood celebrity. (Jay Leno)

THE REPUBLICANS

In a speech yesterday, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said
that if Republicans want to win, they have to become more like him. I
think they’re taking his advice, because today Mitt Romney gave a
speech with a half dozen walnuts in his mouth. (Conan O’Brien)

Florida state Rep. Bob Allen was a co-sponsor earlier in 2007 of
legislation to increase the penalty for “public lewdness and indecent
exposure,” such as trolling for sex partners in public rest rooms
(upping the crime from a misdemeanor to a felony). The bill did not
pass, which was lucky for Rep. Allen, who was arrested in July in a
men’s room in Titusville when undercover officers said he entered and
exited three times in the space of a few minutes, peered over a rest
room stall and offered oral sex for $20. [WKMG-TV (Orlando), 7-12-07]

THE CONGRESS

Senator Larry Craig returned to work Tuesday after his arrest for
lewd conduct in an airport men’s room. The problem is free time.
Airports should install slot machines to give people in the closet
something else to do during their flight delays. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator James Webb failed to pass his bill to give U.S. troops in
Iraq more rest at home. After the bill lost he stomped his feet on
the Senate floor three times. When he got back to his office, Larry
Craig was waiting for him with a bottle of wine. (Argus Hamilton)

THE COURTS

Chief Justice John Roberts compared lawyers to firefighters in a
speech to law students. Many people agree with him. When they see a
burning building, they hope it’s filled with lawyers. (Jim Barach

The jury in the Phil Spector case has reported to the judge that they
are hung up. Not you’re ordinary hung jury—they’re actually tangled
up in the defendant’s hair. (Bob Mills)

THE STATES

California has outlawed cell phones for teens while driving.
Apparently teens are texting so much, they develop carpal tunnel
syndrome and can’t keep their hands on the steering wheel properly.
(Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

A city block in Los Angeles was renamed “Larry King Square.”
Unfortunately, all the arteries that get you there are clogged.
(Pedro Bartes)

A city block in Los Angeles was renamed “Larry King Square.” The
block contains both a cardiac center and wedding chapel (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Last week prison guards had to use tear gas to break up prison riots
in New Jersey. When the tear gas didn’t work, the guards sprayed the
prisoners with New Jersey air. (Conan O’Brien)

TERRORISM

In his new video Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by
attacking the Democrats and then saying we should all join Islam
because there are no taxes. He’s now running third in Iowa. (Jay Leno)

SECURITY

The Departments of Defense and Homeland Security are accused of not
having met basic accounting requirements, leaving the agencies open
to fraud, waste and abuse. Or as taxpayers know it, Halliburton and
FEMA. (Jim Barach)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe stepped down from office
Wednesday. He said he has no political support so he decided to
resign as a matter of honor. So much for claims that we installed an
American-style government in Japan after World War II. (Argus Hamilton)

In China, a group of workers who make toys for Disney say they are
forced to work 28 days a month, and up to 15 hours a day. A spokesman
for the Chinese factory said, “Look, these toys aren’t going to lead-
paint themselves.” (Conan O’Brien)

How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to
ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use
it on sweet and sour chicken. (David Letterman)

China evacuated two million people from its coast ahead of
approaching Typhoon Wipha off the China Sea Tuesday. A public
catastrophe looms. When it rains, the lead paint runs off the Barbie
dolls into the streams and poisons the drinking water. (Argus Hamilton)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Bowing to complaints from health officials, the British Fashion
Council has issued new guidelines for all new catwalk models: They
must be free from eating disorders and at least 16. Pounds. (Bob Mills)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Yesterday was Conception Day in Russia, where Russians were
encouraged to have sex in order to increase their population. In the
spirit of international cooperation, America sent Charlie Sheen.
(Conan O’Brien)

THE U. N. & INTERNATIONAL

The U.N. says organized crime took in $2 trillion around the world
last year. Most of that going to Halliburton. (Jim Barach)

SCIENCE

Scientists say the earth may survive the sun’s demise in five billion
years. President Bush says the sun’s demise will end global warming
so there is no need to do anything now anyway. (Jim Barach)

HEALTH

Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the Middle Ages for
a cure they say works better than anything they have in modern
medicine for post-operative blood coagulation. They are going back to
flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people
know them, HMOs. (Bill Maher)

According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for your
prostate. Well, I’m glad they got this out in time. I was going to
barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no idea it’s bad for you.
(Jay Leno)

According to a review by the “Mobile Press-Register,” the STD rate in
Mobile County, Alabama, is shockingly high. The good thing is that
STDs mostly stay in the family. (Pedro Bartes)

THE ENVIRONMENT

New images from NASA show the hole in the ozone is once again
emerging over Antarctica. The South Pole Tourist Bureau says it hopes
to capitalize on this latest news by changing its slogan from
‘Antarctica: Frozen Hellhole’ to the new, catchier ‘Antarctica:
Gateway To Melanoma. (Craig Kilborn)

SPORTS

One week after the New England Patriots stole signals from the New
York Jets, Patriots coach Bill Belichick was still unable to explain
why anyone would want to steal signals from the Jets. (Andy Borowitz)

New York Knicks coach and President, Isiah Thomas, is on trial for
sexual harassment including accusations of calling an assistant a
bitch and a ‘ho. Who the hell does this Thomas guy think he is, Don
Imus? (Alex Kaseberg)

The McLaren Formula One race team was fined $100 million for spying
on its competitors. They claim they got their information from the
New England Patriots. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

More details coming out about Britney Spears’ performance at the MTV
Awards. Sources at MTV say that Britney Spears showed up for the
rehearsal of her song three hours late with a frozen margarita in her
hand. Britney defended herself by saying the frozen margarita wasn’t
for her, it was for her kids. (Conan O’Brien)

THE MEDIA

Dan Rather is suing CBS for 70 million bucks. Legal analysts say a
fair and impartial jury should be easy to obtain. There are plenty of
people who’ve never heard of CBS. (Alan Ray)

Dan Rather sued CBS for firing him over a story ripping George Bush’s
military service. He says he’s just a newsreader who narrated the
story, he didn’t write it. He thinks if he portrays himself as enough
of an idiot he can get his anchor job back. (Argus Hamilton)

CBS isn’t concerned about the $70 million lawsuit filed by Dan Rather
over his being dumped in 2005. The network is too busy trying to
figure out how to dump Katie Couric. (Scott Witt)

NBC News host Keith Olbermann was hospitalized in New York on Friday
after his appendix ruptured. President Bush wanted to show that he
cares about one of his biggest critics, and offered him the Walter
Reed Army Medical Center for his recovery. (Pedro Bartes)

CELEBRITIES

Paris Hilton has filed suit against Hallmark for using her image on a
card that says “Paris’s First Day as a Waitress.” In a related story,
the Restaurant Workers Union has filed a defamation suit over the
same card. (Bob Mills)

They say that Britney Spears is already working on her next career
move. Trying to come back from her comeback. (Jay Leno)

I understand this whole situation has made Britney Spears kids very
nervous. Because of the way her performance went the other night, the
kids are afraid that she might quit show business and become a full
time mom. (Jay Leno)

After a judge ordered random drug tests for Britney Spears, the
singer hit the Los Angeles nightclub scene overnight, Tuesday, and
was seen drinking heavily. Apparently she told reporters not to
worry, because one of her two sons was the designated driver that
night. (Pedro Bartes)

Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner ruled that both Spears and
Federline may not consume alcohol or non-prescription controlled
substances at least 12 hours prior to being with their children.
There go the chances for the kids to ever see their parents again
(Pedro Bartes) .

Yesterday a judge told Britney Spears she could lose custody of her
children if she doesn’t improve her behavior. Britney Spears was
furious, and told the judge, “I dare you to look me in the vagina and
say that” (Conan O’Brien)

RELIGION

Fox excised the Emmy acceptance speech of “My Life on the D List”
star Kathy Griffin after complaints from the Catholic League over her
comment that “Jesus had nothing to do with this.” They’re still mad
because the Book of Mormon refers to the Last Supper as “a D-List
event.” (Bob Mills)

After a 25-year-old woman was accused of murdering her father and
sister and wounding her mother in Sydney, Australia last July,
authorities revealed that she had been diagnosed with a psychotic
illness in 2006. However, she had been discouraged from seeking
psychiatric treatment by her parents because they are Scientologists,
who by doctrine reject psychiatry and psychotropic-drug treatment.
[Agence France-Presse, 7-9-07]

EDUCATION

The latest Kinsey Report reveals that Americans are woefully ignorant
of the basic facts of life. The majority, for example, knows where
babies come from, but fewer than 20% apparently know how they get
there. Even worse, 36% believe that bondage is something you wrap
around a cut finger. (Caboom)

A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish – the
language that is spoken in ‘The Lord of The Rings.’ Not surprisingly
the Elvish language has no words for girl, date or kiss. Conan O’Brien)

Democratic leaders have formally signed a $20 billion college aid
bill that will boost federal grants for low-income students, lower
interest rates for student loans, and give colleges and universities
yet another excuse to raise tuition next year. (Jake Novak)

HISTORY

A new study shows that less than half of college seniors knew that
Yorktown was the battle that ended the American Revolution or that
NATO was formed to resist Soviet expansion. That’s because colleges
are much too busy teaching students more important things like how
all white men are evil and why they should boycott Coke. (Jake Novak

BUSINESS

Southwest Airlines will retain its open seating policy, but will now
assign each passenger a number for boarding. Even better, they’ll be
allowed to pick the city their luggage will be misdirected to. (Bob
Mills)

Labor talks have resumed between GM and the UAW. The auto workers
want to keep their health care benefits, which is silly because you
don’t need health care insurance when your job is being moved to
China. (Jake Novak)

McDonald’s and KFC are both announcing major expansions in China.
It’s not clear if this is about making money, or if this is America’s
revenge for all those poisonous toys. (Jake Novak)

POLLS & STUDIES

According to a huge study at University College London, over the past
century, the proportion of left-handers in the world has gone up.
According to Fox News there are more lefties because of the
unscrupulous work of Soros and moveon.org. (Pedro Bartes)

A poll says that 55% of Americans believe the Founding Fathers
established a Christian nation. The other 45% know that it was
established by President Bush. (Jim Barach)

One response to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-22-07

  1. I read most of it but it really is too big to read. Why don’t you pick out your favourites and make the article shorter?

    I watch Jay Leno on The Tonight Show and he’s quite funny. His ‘Headlines’ segment is hilarious.

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