WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-29-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

On Hillary Clinton calling Dick Cheney “Darth Vader”: Which is very
unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now. (Bill
Maher)

This kind of seems like bad taste to me. A Giuliani fund raiser is
now charging $9.11 in reference to 9/11. Isn’t that inappropriate? I
mean, isn’t it like a Bill Clinton fund raiser charging $69 a
head?” (Jay Leno)

Republicans are still angry about this MoveOn.org ad. You know, “the
General Petraeus, he betrayed us,” and the Senate actually voted to
condemn the ad. That’s what your government did yesterday – they held
a vote to pass a resolution to condemn an ad with a pun in it. And
then they had Oreos and braided each other’s hair. (Bill Maher)

Vice President Cheney was recently asked who’s going to win the 2008
presidential election, and he said it could go either way. So I guess
he means Larry Craig (Conan O’Brien)

As you know, women in Iran have to cover up. Premarital sex is
against the law. In fact, a man can’t even touch a woman over there
unless you’re married. There’s no R-rated movies. I’m surprised all
guys in Iran aren’t gay by now. (Jay Leno)

Two North Carolina congressmen are offering a bill to require
airlines to shield children from violent movies shown on planes. The
bill suggests to have an isolated area for kids where kids won’t
have access to movie screens and can’t be disturbed while playing
Grand Theft Auto on their PSP. (Pedro Bartes)

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD

After the president of Columbia University called him a “petty and
cruel dictator,” Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denied the
existence of Columbia University. (Andy Borowitz)

As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things
yesterday. My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in
Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go
over there on an ass-finding mission. (Jay Leno)

During his speech at the Columbia University, Iranian President
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no gays in Iran. He added that
when you see two men kissing is usually a man and woman with a long
moustache. (Pedro Bartes)

Before allowing Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak,
Columbia University President Lee Bollinger cited all of the things
the Iranian government does that Columbia finds unacceptable,
including public executions of minors, imprisonment of gays and the
failure to charge $45,000 a year for college tuition. (Jake Novak)

This week, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahma-nut job became the
laughing stock of the world when he said there are no gay people in
Iran. So apparently, he’s never been to the Tehran airport men’s
room. (Jay Leno)

The Iranian president also said there are no lesbians in Iran either.
Really? In that whole country, there isn’t one whole female UPS
driver? I don’t think so. (Jay Leno)

During his speech at the Columbia University, Iranian President
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no gays in Iran. Some political
analysts believe those comments were a smart strategy to win Dick
Cheney’s heart and avoid an attack to Iran. (Pedro Bartes)

Speaking at Columbia, Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there
are no homosexuals in Iran; Mahmoud then excused himself and went
into the men’s room and started tapping his foot. (Alex Kaseberg)

Yesterday, controversial Iranian President Ahmadinejad insisted that
Iran has freedom of the press. He says there are 30 newspapers
published there that oppose his government. So, if you’re keeping
track, that’s 30 opposition newspapers and 0 gay people. (Conan O’Brien)

Last night in New York — see, he did have some fun while he was here
— Iran’s President Ahmadinejad invited several high-profiled
reporters over to his hotel for dinner. Apparently, it went well
because this morning, Barbara Walters was seen leaving in the same
clothes. (Conan O’Brien)

THE CANDIDATES

Newt Gingrich moved closer to running for president Monday, saying
Fred Thompson failed to win over conservatives. Newt emphasized his
own intellect and conservative principles. Now that everybody else
has three wives he has to find a way to stand out. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton gave an interview to the gay magazine, The Advocate.
When asked about the rumor that she is a lesbian, Hillary denied it.
Hillary said she is not a lesbian. A confused President Bush said
today, he has no problem with anyone being a lesbian, as long as they
are in this country legally. (Jay Leno)

As a part of a new strategy to raise money, the Hillary Clinton
campaign is giving away the chance to watch a presidential debate
with Bill Clinton sitting in front of a TV set sharing a big bowl of
chips. Apparently the disclaimer said not to trust Bill if he offers
you chips from a bowl if it is placed on his lap. (Pedro Bartes)

The organizers of Hillary Clinton’s campaign are sponsoring a contest
where the winner gets to watch a Democratic debate while sitting next
to Bill Clinton. The rules specify: No members of the press, and no
fat chicks (Conan O’Brien)

During his visit to England, Rudy Giuliani told reporters that he is
one of the four or five best known Americans in the
world .Unfortunately for Giuliani, most Americans know him only as
the hot guy in drag. (Pedro Bartes)

Rudy Giuliani says there is an evolution involved in his views on gun
control. At least he is the first Republican presidential candidate
to admit to evolution. (Jim Barach)

Giuliani apologized to the NRA for once characterizing their members
as “terrorists,” explaining that he overreacted after a weekend
hunting trip with Dick Cheney. (Bob Mills)

Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani also on the campaign trail.
He spoke to the NRA, the National Rifle Association, last week and he
tried to appeal to them by saying that two of his marriages were
shotgun weddings. (Jay Leno)

Rudy Giuliani says he is not going to go to the “black debate” this
month with Tavis Smiley, and neither are the other Republican
frontrunners. I think that’s just as well. I don’t think the
Republicans are really that in tune with the black community, ’cause
they asked Mitt Romney today what he thought of the Jena 6 and he
said, “I prefer The Jackson 5.” (Bill Maher)

I was a little disappointed to hear this. Rudy Giuliani, Fred
Thompson, Mitt Romney and John McCain all said they cannot attend the
minority debate this week at Morgan State University because they
have scheduling conflicts. They’re scheduled to meet with rich white
people. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

This Saturday, in Washington, DC, they will hold the Seventh Annual
National Book Festival. First Lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech
about the joys of reading. And then, President Bush will give the
rebuttal. (Jay Leno)

This Saturday, President Bush will be on hand in Washington, to
celebrate the 7th Annual National Book Festival. President Bush is
very excited about the festival because he has been named “Cliff’s
Notes Man of the Year.” (Conan O’Brien)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Defense Secretary Robert Gates asked Congress Wednesday to approve
nearly $190 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan in 2008,
wars that we were told once were going to be paid with the oil
revenues. Gates said to consider this money as a loan because we will
recover it all with the money we’ll make when we invade Iran. (Pedro
Bartes)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton appeared on the Daily Show Thursday and the former
president made some news. He said he may slit his throat if he
becomes First Lady. No one knew if he was kidding or just promising
anything to get conservatives to vote for Hillary. (Argus Hamilton)

In a recent interview, former President Bill Clinton was asked how he
would handle being First Husband if Hillary gets elected. He said he
had no problem being First Husband, but being a husband first, that
would be a problem. (Jay Leno)

Bill Clinton says he might slit his throat at the thought of being
the “First Husband.” Which means if Hillary had any doubts about
running for the White House, they are gone now. (Jim Barach)

THE REPUBLICANS

Larry Craig says he’ll remain in the Senate pending the outcome of
his motion to withdraw his guilty plea. No surprise here since Larry
is well known among his Republican gentlemen friends for pulling out
at the last possible moment. (Bob Mills)

THE CONGRESS

Folks, it’s official. Congress now has the lowest approval rating of
any Congress in the history of the United State. 11%! Their approval
rating is so low, today they were invited to speak at Columbia
University. (Jay Leno)

THE COURTS

The Supreme Court will hear a challenge from two inmates on death row
in Kentucky who claim lethal injection amounts to cruel and unusual
punishment. The justices will have to decide whether being executed
in Kentucky is more cruel than living in Kentucky. (Jake Novak)

THE STATES

New York will allow illegal immigrants to get a driver’s license
provided they have a valid passport. There are as many as a million
illegal immigrants in New York currently driving without licenses or
insurance. They are called “cabbies.” (Jim Barach)

THE ARMED FORCES

A U.S. Navy barracks in Southern California that resemble a swastika
from the air is to get a $600,000 make-over. Apparently nobody
noticed it until the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad smiled and
posed next to the building and took pictures to send to his family
and friends in Iran. (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Warren Jeffs, Mormon cult-within-a-cult leader, was convicted of
being an accessory to rape and could get life in prison. Most of
which, with 85 wives, he’ll spend writing anniversary cards. (Bob Mills)

In Utah, polygamy sect leader Warren Jeffs has been convicted. The
guy’s got 80 wives. 80 wives at the same time. In fact, when Rudy
Giuliani heard that, he said, “Records are made to be broken.” (Jay
Leno)

The FBI reports that violent crime rose for the second year in a row.
They blame gangs, lax gun-licensing laws and the return of OJ. (Bob
Mills)

Federal drug officials say they’ve raided 56 labs in the largest
illegal steroid investigation in U.S. history. The raids have already
led to arrests, fines, and the cancellation of the upcoming Major
League Baseball playoffs. (Jake Novak)

SECURITY

An MIT student named Star Simpson walked into Logan Airport in Boston
today with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. She said it was art,
but of course they took it very seriously. Police were called. In
fact, it got so scary, it actually scared Senator Larry Craig right
out of the airport men’s room. (Jay Leno)

IRAN

Here’s good news: President Bush says he has a plan to stop Iran’s
nuclear program. He’s going to have O. J. steal Iran’s plutonium.
(David Letterman)

In Iran, homosexuals can be executed for being gay, but only if a
homosexual act is witnessed by four other Iranian men. So, they’ve
got four men watching two other men have sex. Isn’t everybody gay?
(Jay Leno)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

A U. N. rep is headed to Myanmar to try to stop the violence, which
means the violent government crackdown will either continue
indefinitely or be blamed on Israel. (Jake Novak)

The government of China, which claims control of Tibet despite the
region’s vigorous culture of independence, announced in August that
it would henceforth require Tibet’s “living Buddhas” (special clergy
believed to be continuously reincarnated) to get permission from
China’s religious affairs officials before submitting their souls to
be embodied in the future. The government acted, it said, because the
reincarnation process needed to be managed better. (Agence France-
Presse)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

According to a new report out of Cuba, Fidel Castro is near death,
but he is clinging to life and is determined to outlive the Bush
presidency. Wow, just like Dan Rather. (Jay Leno)

CANADA

The Canadian dollar is equal to the U. S. dollar for the first time
since 1976. This has caused a 5% drop in people traveling across the
border, The government has a plan to kick start tourism to Canada.
Reinstate the draft. (Jim Barach)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

London has installed ten thousand security cameras around the city
with no increase in solving crimes. Apparently the cameras were
installed with a program that identifies suspects through dental
records. (Jim Barach)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Workers erecting Dubai’s 165 story Burj Dubai Hotel are at story 145
and complete one floor every three days. All but obliterating the
record set by call girls at the last Republican National Convention.
(Bob Mills)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheel chair for
breaking into a building. They say the man would have gotten away,
but they shot out his tires. (Conan O’Brien)

THE U. N. & INTERNATIONAL

Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke to the U.N. about climate change on
Monday. He would be a fine president but the foreign-born are banned
from the job by the Constitution. Arnold must feel so singled out,
considering how we are ignoring the rest of the thing. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush spoke to the UN on Tuesday. He pledged harsh sanctions
against the tiny country of Myanmar. He refuses to give aid to any
nation he can’t pronounce or find on a map. (Alan Ray)

The new $600 million, 65 acre, US embassy in Baghdad will have 1157
apartments, a soccer field and a mall surrounded by a nine foot wall.
Opening in the 1000-seat Boom Boom Lounge is “Hallalujah
Halliburton!” starring Sam Butera and the Coalition of the Willing
featuring Keeley Smith.

THE ECONOMY

The Federal Reserve lowered interest rates Tuesday, causing a
worldwide plunge in the dollar. For the first time in decades, a U.S.
dollar equals a Canadian dollar. This allows people to save money on
prescription drugs without risking carpal tunnel on their
calculators. (Argus Hamilton)

The Forbes list of the 400 richest Americans is out. Everybody on the
list is now a billionaire. You can’t even be a millionaire and be on
the list, you have to be a billionaire to be on the list. So see
that, the Bush tax cuts are working (Jay Leno)

The United States Treasury’s makeup department changed the appearance
of the five dollar bill. Apparently, they are making it look more
like the one dollar bill, which is more or less what it is worth now.
(Pedro Bartes)

HEALTH

President Bush has come out against a bill to cover the health care
of uninsured children. The bill is the State Children’s Health
Insurance Program, known as SCHIP. “If Congress continues to insist
upon expanding health care through the SCHIP program, ” President
Bush said recently, “I’ll veto the bill. ” Bush is reputedly in favor
of a substitute plan called the State Children’s Health Terminated
Unfunded Program or SCHTUP. (Harry Farkas)

A report reveals that 33,000 people a year are treated in the
emergency room for injuries sustained from shopping carts. How fat
are we getting when people are hurting and straining themselves
pushing their groceries? (Alex Kaseberg)

THE ENVIRONMENT

Autumn starts Sunday. Here in L.A. we don’t actually have leaves, but
we watch Ashley Simpson’s hair change color. (Jimmy Kimmel)

SPORTS

Two Cubs fans in Chicago have named their newborn son “Wrigley.” The
child will need to be monitored for inevitable choking problems every
October. (Jake Novak)

Michael Vick told reporters at a hastily-convened press conference “I
apologize for all the things I’ve done, now I have to pay the
consequences. I’m ashamed. What I did was very immature. I’m
disappointed with myself. I need to grow up.” Oh, I’m sorry. That was
Alberto Gonzales.

The San Francisco Giants announced they are not re-signing Barry
Bonds. Bonds is just too expensive, not his salary, it’s the rising
costs of pharmaceuticals. And they can’t find a hat that is big
enough to fit. (Alex Kaseberg)

Barry Bonds will play his last home game for San Francisco Giants
fans tonight at Pacific Bell Park. Don’t miss the festivities. Before
the game, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will appear on the Jumbotron
and assure him there’s life after steroids. (Argus Hamilton)

PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem on Thursday announced a new performance-
enhancing drug testing policy for players, which begins next year.
Don’t worry. Performance-detracting drugs won’t be tested, so John
Daly’s safe for everyone to continue to enjoy. (Argus Hamilton)

Brazil’s 4-0 defeat of the U.S. delivered a stunning ending to the
American women’s World Cup dreams… but the news was even more
stunning to 99.999% of American sports fans who didn’t even know they
were playing anyway. (Jake Novak)

ENTERTAINMENT

Disney releases “The Game Plan” in theaters this weekend. The story
of an NFL star discovering he has a 7 year old daughter from a
previous relationship is a bit far fetched. He has only one? (Alan Ray)

THE MEDIA

After eating dinner at a famed Harlem restaurant recently, Fox News
Channel Bill O’Reilly told a radio audience that he “couldn’t get
over the fact” that there was no difference between the black-run
Sylvia’s and any other New York Restaurant. It seems O’ Reilly
expected an all fried chicken menu with watermelon as dessert. (Pedro
Bartes)

CELEBRITIES

Facing ten felony counts after his ill-fated attempt to acquire
sports memorabilia, O.J. Simpson announced today that he would
attempt to reassemble the jury that found him not guilty in his 1995
murder trial. “This current case is a very complicated once – maybe
even trickier than my murder trial,” Mr. Simpson told reporters.
“It’s important that we have a jury that really knows what they’re
doing.” As for his current scrape with the law, Mr. Simpson told
reporters that he had already learned a valuable lesson: “Next time I
want sports memorabilia, I’m going on eBay.” (Andy Borowitz)

If I Did It by O.J. Simpson soared on the best-seller lists Friday
following his multiple new charges in Las Vegas. His name is magic.
Just yesterday the Florida Citrus Growers offered to pay O.J.’s legal
bills if he would change his name to Snapple. (Argus Hamilton)

Legendary mime Marcel Marceau has died at age 84. The cause of death
has not been determined, but his body was discovered in an airless
glass box. Police reported that neighbors believed they heard several
pleas for help: “________!” “________!” and maybe “________!” Fans
worldwide paid tribute to him with a moment of noise. (Bob Mills)

George Clooney suffered a broken rib in a New Jersey motorcycle
accident, following which three female bystanders promptly
administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. He didn’t need it, but why
take a chance? (Bob Mills)

Paris Hilton has not forgotten the charity work she promised. She
says she is going on a humanitarian mission to Rwanda. She is getting
her inoculations right now, and actually, the Rwandans are getting
their inoculations too. (Jimmy Kimmel)

For the second time in three years, Keifer Southerland was nabbed by
LA cops for driving while drunk. He’s in good hands, though. He’s
been getting legal advice from pal and “24” fan Rush Limbaugh,
another notorious substance abuser. (Bob Mills)

RELIGION

Six Catholic nuns in Arkansas have been excommunicated for heresy
after refusing to give up membership in a sect whose founder claims
to be possessed by the Virgin Mary. The Church vows to continue the
excommunications until the sect is disbanded, or Notre Dame finally
wins a football game, whichever comes first. (Jake Novak)

This February at the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI instructed priests to
make confession a top priority. They want to know first hand where to
start sending the abuse settlement money (Pedro Bartes)

EDUCATION

A report says students know less about history, government and
economy after graduating college than before they entered. But they
can use MacGyver like instincts to assemble a beer bong out of a
briefcase, a pencil and a tape dispenser. (Jim Barach)

In Boynton Beach, Fla., police issued an arrest warrant for a 27-year-
old, male, high school drama teacher who had sex with two female high
school students and got one of them pregnant. Of course, the
community is stunned by this, a straight drama teacher? This is
unheard of. (Jay Leno)

The University of Rhode Island lost a freedom of speech suit filed by
students after campus police removed their signs that said “Keep You
Rosaries Off Our Ovaries!” Which actually were an improvement over
last year’s signs that began “Keep Your Mitts… ” (Bob Mills)

CULTURE

Scotch Tape has been designated a national historic chemical
landmark. It’s only the second time in history something’s been
designated a chemical landmark. The first was the state of New
Jersey. (Jay Leno)

HISTORY

Sotheby’s in New York said Tuesday it will sell a seven-hundred-year-
old copy of the Magna Carta. It established the rights of all English
speaking people and it limited the power of the king. President Bush
is pretty sure it has expired by now. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS

A Pontiac dealer in Texas includes a free bible with new car owners
manuals. Non-Christians have a choice between the Quran or Harry
Potter. (Bob Mills)

GM and the UAW are reportedly in the final stages of new contract
negotiations. Apparently, the sticking point is the two sides can’t
agree on how many union workers are needed to make the three actual
cars GM will probably sell all of next year. (Jake Novak)

General Motors employees have ended their strike, accepting the bonus
package offered by GM. There won’t be much of a pay increase, but
they’ll each get a new Honda so they can have dependable
transportation to and from work. (Scott Witt)

Starbucks said it will give away 50 million free digital songs to its
customers, but in keeping with Starbucks tradition, they will not be
the songs the customers ordered. (Andy Borowitz)

Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. have vowed to PETA not to buy poultry kept in
cages. They will take further steps to protect the health of animals.
None will be allowed to order from the menu. (Alan Ray)

OTHER

A New Jersey man who was choking on an onion ring while driving
dislodged it after crashing his car into a tree. The technique is
described as the “Hemlock maneuver.” How fat are we getting? Besides
drunk drivers and road rage, now we have to watch out for people on
the highways who are choking on food. (Jim Barach)

6 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-29-07

  1. Very funny quotes 🙂

    Thanks, Rajiv, and welcome!

  2. Thanks for going through all of this trouble! Some of those were absolutely hilarious. 🙂

  3. Nice Collection. Hillarious!!!!

  4. Funny collection 😀 my favorite;

    *After the president of Columbia University called him a “petty and
    cruel dictator,” Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denied the
    existence of Columbia University. (Andy Borowitz)*

  5. 🙂 – I liked the Conan O’Brien one about the police catching a guy in a wheelchair!

  6. He he, so many good ones, can’t pick any one as the best! But:
    //Apparently, they are making it look more
    like the one dollar bill, which is more or less what it is worth now.//
    Ha ha ha!!

    Hey doc, not to be seen around these days…did you jump off a runaway train somewhere? 😉

    Oh, Mahendra, it has been such a pain! I was in Bangladesh, and internet was a problem. You know the rest!

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