WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-06-07

Thanks, Stan Kegel!

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

It’s the first day of fall. You can tell it’s getting a little colder here because Paris Hilton’s wearing underwear again. (Craig Ferguson)

Asked about his plan, the President replied, “My plan is simple. I’m taking the Biblical approach.” Asked to clarify, President Bush said, “In the Bible it says, ‘Suffer the little children,’ so I say, let ’em suffer…. now watch this drive!” (Paul Benoit)

Vladimir Putin has indicated that he may appoint himself Prime Minister of Russia before his term as president runs out, which could keep him in power until 2024. For God’s sake, don’t tell Bush about this. (Bob Mills)

“This morning on Capitol Hill four bathroom fires broke out inside the Senate office building. Inside one bathroom, three big, burly firemen broke the door down, kicked in the stall, and Senator Craig said, “My dreams have come true.” (Jay Leno)

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has written his autobiography. It’s called “Scalia Knows Best.” (Jim Barach)

Marion Jones admission of using steroids gives new meaning to the term “In the Clear.” (Stan Kegel)

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. Republicans attacked her plan saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts. (Jay Leno)

President Bush says he’s really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he’s sending 20,000 troops to the sun. (David Letterman)

They are turning the movie ‘Brokeback Mountain’ into a broadway musical. Auditions will be held at the Minneapolis airport men’s room (Jay Leno)

Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon, who was the man having sex with Paris Hilton in her infamous videotape, have applied for a marriage license. In addition to once being Paris Hilton’s boyfriend, Salomon was also married to “90210” actress Shannen Doherty making him the world’s all-time biggest consumer of condoms and prozac. (Jake Novak)

New stalls have been placed in the Minneapolis restroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex. Apparently the new stalls can seat six. The new stalls apparently have extra leg room and can accommodate people who have extra wide stances. (Jim Barach)

CHILDREN’S HEALTH

President Bush, for some reason, has vetoed the Child Health Insurance Plan. I believe his comment was, “Childrens do get sick, but childrens do get better again.” (Jay Leno)

President Bush vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded children’s health insurance. This is all part of his new policy “No children left alive.” (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush has vetoed a plan to expand a children’s health insurance program by $35 billion over five years. Bush said he did it because the bill was a dangerous step toward “federalizing” medicine… then he had to cut his speech short so he could get his free check-up and meds at Walter Reed Federal Hospital.” (Jake Novak)

In a move that seemed guaranteed to stir controversy, President Bush today vetoed a bill that would give candy to over four million babies. With one stroke of a pen, Mr. Bush vetoed the Candy for Babies Act, a law that would have expanded candy benefits to America’s hungriest babies. (Andy Borowitz)

President Bush vetoed a bill expanding the Children’s Health Insurance Program Wednesday. No cameras were allowed into the room. He canceled the photo-op after he could not persuade any kids to dress up as fiscal responsibility and stand behind him. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded children’s health insurance. You go, George. Can’t have too many healthy children around. (Joe Hickman)

Bush has promised to veto the child health care bill because it would be funded by increases in the cigarette tax, which would not set well with the Big Tobacco lobby. In his defense, though, he did prevail upon Philip Morris to send each sick kid denied coverage a free carton of Marlboros. (Bob Mills)

LARRY CRAIG & AIRPORT BATHROOMS

Larry Craig says he’s decided to serve out his Senate term to “clear his name.” Flush away all those innuendoes, so to speak. (Bob Mills)

Larry Craig tried to withdraw his lewd conduct guilty plea in Minneapolis this week. His GOP Senate colleagues are trying to help save his career. They hired the Washington D. C. madam to set him up in a straight sex scandal, hoping it re-programs him. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator Larry Craig’s still in the news. The airport bathroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested is now being renovated, and the new bathroom will have stall dividers that go all the way down to the floor. When he heard about the new stall dividers, Senator Craig said, ‘It doesn’t matter. Love will find a way.” (Conan O’Brien)

The old, toe-tapping senator from the great state of Idaho, Larry Craig has changed his mind and is not going to resign. You know what it is? I don’t think he wants to give up the key to the executive washroom. You know that bathroom in the Minneapolis airport where he got caught? Well, the airport is now spending a ton of money to build new stall dividers that go all the way to the ground to make it a less inviting spot for sexual activity. And today, Senator Craig said, “Minneapolis, tear down that wall!” (Jay Leno)

The infamous airport men’s room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested is getting new stall dividers that now extend from the ceiling to the floor. This gave CNN host Lou Dobbs an idea: he went to the border with Mexico and started foot-taping with people on the other side of the border. (Pedro Bartes)

Minneapolis Airport lowered the bathroom stall dividers to the floor Friday to discourage flirting. They’ll never be able to stop sex in airport men’s rooms. Guys figure even if they get caught, the fine is less than three drinks at the airport bar. (Argus Hamilton)

The airport bathroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested is now being renovated to make the stall dividers go all the way down to the floor. When he heard this, Craig said, “While you’re at it, can you put in some mood lighting?” (Conan O’Brien)

Earlier today on Capitol Hill, firemen put out four small fires that were started in bathrooms at the Senate office building. Senator Larry Craig was seen running from the bathroom, screaming, “I won’t go quietly!” –Conan O’Brien

Minneapolis airport on Friday replaced the stalls in the men’s room with dividers that go almost all the way to the floor. It’s to prevent men from signaling for sex. The next day the only person arrested for soliciting an undercover cop was Gumby. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

The Democratsals had a big debate this week. The news out of it was that they were asked, ‘Do you think you could get the troops out of Iraq by the end of your first term in 2013?’ All the frontrunners said “no.” No! By 2013! Barack Obama called it “the audacity of nope.” One awkward moment during the debate: John Edwards’ phone rang and it was Giuliani’s wife. (Bill Maher)

PBS host Tavis Smiley was the moderator at the Republican debate on minority issues at Morgan State University. But not one of the four leading Republican candidates — Giuliani, Thompson, McCain or Romney — showed up for the debate on black issues. How are you going to stand up to the terrorists when you’re afraid of a guy named Tavis Smiley? (Jay Leno)

Last night, yet another Democratic presidential debate. The Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. To win over the crowd, each candidate came out strongly against the War of 1812. (Conan O’Brien)

Democratic presidential candidates held another debate sponsored by the senior citizens group AARP. To win over the crowd, each candidate came out strongly against the War of 1812. (Conan O”Brien)

Let’s turn to the 2008 election. As you know, if you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold a debate at your house, whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach. They have a big tent, you’re just not allowed in it. Their candidates have already skipped forums with gays, Hispanics and bloggers, leaving Perez Hilton 0 for 3. But did you know they’ll even blow off their own base? Last month, the four GOP frontrunners did not show at a debate sponsored by Evangelical Christians. There you see the podiums where Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, John McCain and Mitt Romney either never showed up or were Raptured out of. I would have been there, but Jesus needed me. (Jon Stewart)

Christian conservatives threatened Monday to bolt the GOP if Rudy Giuliani is the GOP nominee. Evangelicals can’t stand Rudy. He’s pro-gay, he’s pro-choice, he’s had three wives and he wore a dress on Saturday Night Live, and he doesn’t seem sorry at all. (Argus Hamilton)

Newt Gingrich said Sunday the odds are Hillary will be the next president. He is right. The only way the Republicans can defeat her is through her husband, and that would entail convincing Miss Teen South Carolina to take one for the team. (Argus Hamilton)

People were outraged to find out that Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani skipped a black voter debate to campaign with Bo Derek. Not everybody was mad, just Giuliani’s wife and former wives. (Pedro Bartes)

Rudy Giuliani is being criticized for a party his supporters in California threw where admission was $9.11. They got the idea from a Dick Cheney fund raiser that charged each person $6.66. (Jim Barach)

It was reported that Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani skipped a black voter debate to campaign with Bo Derek. The GOP candidate explained later that he had to meet with Bo Derek because she was in Ten, and that’s between 9 and 11. (Pedro Bartes)

Rudy Guiliani says the $9.11 contributions to his campaign just worked out that way with tax. The poster showing him atop the Empire State swatting away planes was not his idea. (Michael Feldman)

A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for Hillary, the seniors still rank her third behind applesauce and creamed spinach. (Conan O’Brien)

In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Rudy Giuliani said he is guided by Jesus and the Bible, and he doesn’t want people to judge his private life. He then said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” And then Mitt Romney hit him in the head with a rock. (Jay Leno)

The Victoria’s Secret store in Flagstaff, Arizona, was robbed of three hundred and fifty bras in broad daylight on Sunday. The state’s senior U. S. senator, John McCain, is the number-one suspect. He will do anything to push up his approval ratings. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton widened her lead in the Gallup Poll Tuesday. After nothing but male presidents, not everyone’s ready for a woman. Rudy Giuliani should air photos of himself wearing that dress on Saturday Night Live and run as the Middle Way. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton said Friday every baby born in America should get five thousand dollars. She means well. The idea is to have so many Mexicans pouring over the border that their momentum carries them into Canada where a dollar is worth something. (Argus Hamilton)

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is expected to reveal this week that he raised twenty million dollars in the third quarter. Much of it is cash on hand. If Barack Obama were any more flush, Senator Larry Craig would take it as a love call. (Argus Hamilton)

Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, “That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven” (Seth Meyers)

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby in America at birth…. Today Barack Obama topped that with $6,000 and a year’s supply of Turtle Wax. (Jay Leno)

Senator John McCain was blasted by Jewish and Muslim groups Monday for telling a television interviewer that the U. S. Constitution established the United States as a Christian nation. He managed to bring Jews and Muslims together. It’s the most progress there has been in the Arab- Israeli conflict since Jimmy Carter was president. (Argus Hamilton)

Republican White House hopeful John McCain said Wednesday that President Bush made a mistake after the Sept. 11 terror attacks by encouraging people to shop rather than urging citizens to join the military. That’s right. If we’d only had more troops, no telling how many we could have lost. On the other hand, the more fatherless children, the greater the need for kids health insurance. So who knows, maybe the President was just thinking ahead. (HaBlog)

Recently, Hillary Clinton was asked what role her husband Bill would play if she becomes president. Hillary said Bill would be sent around the world as a roving ambassador. Gee, I wonder which one of them came up with that idea? (Jay Leno)

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Rudy Giuliani has taken cell phone calls from his wife over 40 times during speeches. 40 times! And each time, it was a different wife calling (Jay Leno)

Are you folks interested in the 2008 presidential election? In a couple of months, it will just be a year away. And Hillary Clinton, she is a money-making machine. She is a fundraising juggernaut. Here’s what she made: $80 million so far this year. $80 million! It’s amazing, isn’t it? Here’s how it breaks down: $30 million for advertising, $50 million for pantsuits (David Letterman)

It was announced this week that over the summer, Hillary Clinton’s campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama’s campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions. (Conan O’Brien)

PRESIDENT BUSH

The White House has announced that during his last year in office, President Bush is going to visit more countries than any other year in his presidency. Bush said he will accomplish this all in one weekend by going to Epcot Center. (Conan O”Brien)

This is good news: President Bush says he’s going to finally take some action on global warming, because he became very alarmed when another chunk of ice broke off his mother (David Letterman)

In his first major proposal on global warming, President Bush today declared war on the sun. (Andy Borowitz)
THE DEMOCRATS

Speaking of Bill Clinton, yesterday at a global conference for poverty and education, former President Bill Clinton met with actress Angelina Jolie. Before the meeting, Clinton looked himself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and said, “Bill, this is the moment you’ve been training for your whole life.” (Conan O’Brien)
THE CONGRESS

The Democrat-controlled Congress’ approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that (jerk) on the Internet who says “Leave Britney alone.” Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be. (Bill Maher)

It’s official — Congress now has the lowest approval rating of any Congress in the history of the United States. It is just 11 percent. In fact, their approval rating is so low, today they were invited to speak at Columbia University. (Jay Leno)

Nancy Pelosi told a Hispanic crowd Thursday she thinks a border wall is an awful idea. She also wants illegal aliens to pay in-state tuition. It really saves the Republicans a lot of money when the Democrats make their campaign commercials for them. (Argus Hamilton)

Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you how to make your business run more efficiently? (Jay Leno)

The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don’t have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony.” (Bill Maher)

A new congressional report claims that Blackwater operatives have been involved in 195 shootings since 2005. A record for the Bush administration even without counting Cheney. (Bob Mills)

THE COURTS

“My Grandfather’s Son,” the autobiography of Clarence Thomas, is now on sale in bookstores. The American Bar Association has rated Thomas “unqualified to write a book”— almost the same rating they gave him during his confirmation hearings. In the book, Thomas describes Anita Hill as “a mediocre employee.” And if anyone’s an expert on mediocre, this is the guy. (Bob Mills)

Here’s an interesting story: A man in New York is now suing Home Depot, claiming he became glued to a toilet seat. He was glued to the toilet seat and could not move. Or, as Idaho Senator Larry Craig called it, “a dream weekend” (Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

New York cabs were forced Friday to install credit card machines and global satellite positioning systems. It’s part of a campaign to clean-up the image of cabdrivers. In addition, every three thousand miles they are required to change the oil in their hair. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ARMED FORCES

The U. S. Navy agreed Wednesday to change the configuration of its naval barracks at Coronado near San Diego. From the air, the buildings appear to be in the shape of a swastika. Most pilots had just figured it was a La Jolla real estate development. (Argus Hamilton)

A U.S. Navy barracks in Southern California that resemble a swastika from the air is to get a $600,000 make-over. Apparently nobody noticed it until the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad smiled and posed next to the building and took pictures to send to his family and friends in Iran. (Pedro Bartes)

The Pentagon on Tuesday admitted losing track of thirty percent of all weapons shipped to Iraq in the last four years and conceded that some of the weapons may now be in the hands of the terrorists. There’s little we can do to the culprits. The U. S. military is stretched way too thin to attack America and defend it simultaneously. (Argus Hamilton)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

It’s a great day for Phil Spector. He got a mistrial. The jury was spilt 10-2. Ten were in favor of conviction, two were in favor of bringing back the afro wig. (Craig Ferguson)

The Phil Spector murder trial ended in a mistrial. The jury was confused by the judges instructions. Especially the one that said if he did it, you must find him guilty. (Jim Barach)

Another celebrity murder trial has come to an end. Phil Spector was somehow able to score a mistrial. Apparently his history of sticking guns in women’s mouths was not enough to convince the jury. The jury was deadlocked 10-2. Some of the jury said they were confused after being presented with so many conflicting hairdos. (Jimmy Kimmel)

You know what happened last week in 1995? The jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial found OJ Simpson not guilty; well, thank god there could never be another LA jury so stupid they’d let a celebrity get away with murder. (Alex Kaseberg)

Beatles producer Phil Spector got a hung jury last week in the murder trial of actress Lana Clarkson in Los Angeles. It was a split decision. The jury deadlocked on the guilt of Phil Spector but they convicted his hairstylist of disorderly conduct. (Argus Hamilton)

A judged ruled Tuesday that O.J. Simpson must hand over a Rolex watch of his to satisfy a civil judgment that found him liable for the deaths of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. The court order specifies a “Submariner Rolex Watch” which is water and stabbing resistant. (Pedro Bartes)

SECURITY

TSA has ordered airport screeners to examine more closely all remotely controlled devices in carry-on luggage. And some passengers may be required to demonstrate the use of sex toys. (Bob Mills)

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff flew in to Arizona Friday to oversee border fence construction. He posed for cameras as he welded some of the fence himself. Everyone was just relieved that the tunnel underneath him held, and he didn’t fall in. (Argus Hamilton)

Homeland Security reported yesterday that there was a new video of Bin Laden, which showed Bin Laden and some of his people making nonsensical dialogue. Chertoff apologized later and said it was all a mistake; it was just a tape of the new ABC series “The Cavemen.” (Pedro Bartes)

IRAN

The president of Iran was the laughing stock of the world when he said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, when he got on the flight to go back home, the male flight attendant didn’t speak to him the whole way. (Jay Leno)

Here’s good news: President Bush says he has a plan to stop Iran’s nuclear program. He’s going to have O. J. steal Iran’s plutonium. (David Letterman)

President Bush is now saying there’s a good chance we will be bombing Iran because he is convinced they have nuclear weapons. Well, he would know. (David Letterman)

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahma-nut job said he thinks his speech at Columbia University was a huge success, and he thinks the American people thought so too. He said a number of Americans told him they want him to speak at Florida University. See, something got lost in the translation. Apparently, he didn’t realize FU does not meant Florida University. (Jay Leno)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

A U. N. rep is headed to Myanmar to try to stop the violence, which means the violent government crackdown will either continue indefinitely or be blamed on Israel. (Jake Novak)

President Bush spoke to the UN on Tuesday. He pledged harsh sanctions against the tiny country of Myanmar. He refuses to give aid to any nation he can’t pronounce or find on a map. (Alan Ray)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Mexican President Felipe Calderon was in Los Angeles Monday for Mexico’s ruling party’s convention, where he preached revolution against U. S. immigration law. There’s nothing Homeland Security could do about it. He got into the country on a Pancho Visa. (Argus Hamilton)

AFRICA

According to a recent research, the least-happy country in the world is Uganda. Researchers believe though that the number one spot can be stolen pretty soon by Rwanda, after Paris Hilton’s arrival. (Pedro Bartes)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

A Siberian woman gave birth to a 17.1 lb. Baby. The doctor who delivered the baby had a couple of broken ribs and other minor injuries after he got beat up by the new born when he tried to give him the usual little slap to make him cry. (Pedro Bartes)

THE U. N. & INTERNATIONAL

A study ranks Myanmar and Somalia as the most corrupt nations in the world. That led to immediate plans for a joint congressional junket to travel to those countries to see how we have managed to fall so far behind. (Jim Barach)

SCIENCE

New research shows cockroaches learn better in the afternoon than they do in the morning. Scientists studied the insects in their natural habitat. They spent a weekend at a Motel Six. (Alan Ray)

Archaeologists believe a 3,000-year-old stone slab just discovered in Veracruz, Mexico is the oldest written tablet ever discovered in the Western Hemisphere. The ancient text describes the best way to sneak over the border to California. (Jake Novak)

HEALTH

The FDA is considering a new drug catagory–“behind the counter”–to be dispensed by pharmacists. Much like teens have purchased rubbers for time immemorial. (Bob Mills)

A new health study has shown that female athletes suffer more concussions playing body contact sports than boys. They’re being advised to pursue gentler sports like, say, presidential politics. (Bob Mills)

THE WEATHER

This just in: The weather bureau has announced that autumn has been postponed until January. (David Letterman)

Autumn starts Sunday. Here in L. A. we don’t actually have leaves, but we watch Ashley Simpson’s hair change color. (Jimmy Kimmel)

SPORTS

The Yankees made it into the play-offs on a wild card. By the way, that’s also how we got President Bush. (David Letterman)

Five time Olympic gold medal winner Marion Jones has admitted using steroids. Would have gotten away with it, too, if she wasn’t four home runs behind Barry Bonds. (Bob Mills)

Barry Bonds’s record home-run ball was voted into the Hall of Fame Tuesday with an asterisk stamped on it. The vote was held by the memorabilia collector who bought it. O.J. Simpson just called Barry Bonds and asked if he needed any help getting his ball back. (Argus Hamilton)

New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas’s jury ruled against him Tuesday in the sex harassment suit brought by a woman. He’s lucky this didn’t happen in Los Angeles. He would have been laughed out of the courtroom for not shooting her. (Argus Hamilton)

Isiah Thomas was found guilty of sexual harrassment while coaching the New York Knicks. He could be forgiven if he had harrassed some opposing teams. (Bob Mills)

A Chicago couple, with the last name of Field, named their newborn son, Wrigley Field after the Cubs ballpark. Is that a nice thing to do to a child? That means every October he will be bitterly disappointed. (Alex Kaseberg)

The New York Mets blew a seven game lead in the NL East with 17 games to go. the Mets staff sent an e-mail to ticket holders apologizing for the Mets poor performance. As empty gestures go, this ranks up there with the time FEMA sent the hurricane Katrina victims a dangling kitty, “Hang in there, baby” card. (Alex Kaseberg)

Mets fans are still having a hard time coping with their historic collapse. You know what METS stands for? My Entire Team Sucks. (Gorsefeathers)

People are still talking about the New York Mets collapse, they lost a seven game lead with seventeen games to go; in fact, this is the worst case of gagging that didn’t end up as a stain on Monica Lewinski’s blue dress. (Alex Kaseberg)

To add insult to injury, not only has New York Knick coach Isaiah Thomas been found guilty of sexual harassment, today several NBA referees admitted they bet on the outcome of the trial. (Gorsefeathers)

A jury ruled Tuesday that Isiah Thomas sexually harassed a female and that the New York Knicks’ owner and its chairman should pay the victim more than 11 million dollars in damages. Isiah was distraught. He knows now that after the new Kobe policy, he’ll also have to award his wife a $4 million dollar ring. (Pedro Bartes)

Michael Vick was placed on home confinement by his judge Wednesday for smoking pot as he awaits trial. It took awhile to catch him. He convinced the first three marijuana-sniffing dogs who came into his house that they could have been a contender. (Argus Hamilton)

The Los Angeles Dodgers erupted in hostility between rookies and veterans last week. It’s chaos. Manager Grady Little would worry about losing his job to someone who could control the Dodger factions, but Saddam Hussein was hanged nine months ago. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

On “Dancing With the Stars,” Josie Maran got the bedazzled boot. It happened so fast — one bad night of dancing and it’s all over. Like Britney Spears. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Even worse news for her partner, who is being shipped back home to his home country in a container ship. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The War by documentary filmmaker Ken Burns topped the ratings on Sunday, setting a viewership record for PBS. Younger viewers were astonished. They can’t believe we were fighting the Japanese when it’s the Chinese that cover our toys in lead paint. (Argus Hamilton)

“Brokeback Mountain” is being produced as a Broadway play; they can’t replicate the Montana mountains scenes on a stage, so this play will all take place in a Minneapolis airport bathroom. (Alex Kaseberg)

TMZ says that “Kid Nation” producers are scouting foreign locations for a second season because in the U.S. everybody’s worried about violating child labor laws. They already got several suggestions from Nike offering their facilities in Vietnam. (Pedro Bartes)

Nickelodeon shut down for three hours over the weekend to encourage kids not to watch TV. That gave millions of children the chance to catch up on playing video games and watching their DVDs. (Jim Barach)

THE MEDIA

Senator Harry Reid tried to get Rush Limbaugh fired by Clear Channel Radio for calling troops who oppose the war in Iraq phony soldiers. Obviously, the troops were merely telling the truth. Which Rush knows even less about than soldiers. (Joe Hickman)

You know Bill O’Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton — he must have lost a bet — and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently they both serve crackers. (Bill Maher)

CELEBRITIES

O. J. news: O.J.’ s girlfriend defended O. J. She said, “I’ve known him for 12 years and he would not rob or kidnap anyone. I’m sorry, that’s just not the double murderer I fell in love with.” (Conan O”Brien)

A Los Angeles judge has revoked Britney Spears’ joint child custody rights and awarded them exclusively to K Fed. He also ordered her to stop trying to lip synch. (Bob Mills)

More trouble for Britney Spears. She was charged with not having a valid California driver’s license. You know why Britney didn’t have a license here in California? Because she’s here legally. (Jay Leno)

Britney Spears had to give up her kids to their dad Kevin Federline Monday. He does burger commercials where he admits having no talent. Judges in Los Angeles are so frustrated, they will side with whichever parent is still represented by management. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton is planning on visiting Rwanda as part of her post jail effort for social causes. She says she’s not just going to visit Rwanda. She wants to visit all of the 50 states. (Jim Barach)

Pamela Anderson got a marriage license with the guy in the Paris Hilton sex video, Rick Salomon. Health experts predict this union could reduce sexually transmitted diseases by 20%. (Alex Kaseberg)

Billboard magazine and the “Hollywood Reporter” have named “Ugly Betty” star America Ferrera the Hispanic Woman of the Year. Oscar De La Hoya came in close second after they looked at his latest pictures with stockings and make up. (Pedro Bartes)

Not such a great day for Kiefer Sutherland. He was arrested on DUI charges. He used the Lindsay Lohan defense: It was someone else’s alcohol in his blood. (Craig Ferguson)

RELIGION

Evangelists James Dobson and Tony Perkins warn that evangelicals will abandon the Republicans for a third party if Giuliani, a pro-abortionist in their opinion, is nominated. They promise the new party will have the cahones to challenge Row v. Wade and will be called the “Evantesticles.” (Bob Mills)

The pope has issued a document entitled “Dominus Iesus” that decrees that “non-Christians are in a grossly-deficient situation” when it comes to salvation. And apparently when it comes to the Oval Office. Could Ben be getting advice from McCain? (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

Yesterday at Columbia University was Take Your Insane Dictator to Work day. (Jay Leno)

There was a lot of controversy about him speaking there. I have to admit, I didn’t like it. If he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way — you win an Academy Award. (Jay Leno)

The president of Columbia apologized for inviting the president of Iran to speak while the president of Duke University apologized for not supporting the lacrosse players. Could be a trend, but no apology so far from the president of Yale for George W. Bush.

CULTURE

October means Halloween’s coming. All the stores already have their decorations up by the first of the month. And they say “Merry Christmas.” (Alan Ray)

According to a new survey, 52% of people have had sex with a colleague at work. 52%! You know, I can never look at Hannity and Colmes the same way again. (Jay Leno)

O. J. Simpson’s If I Did It hit number one on the New York Times best seller list Friday, just ahead of Bill Clinton’s book, Giving. They are both handy guides. One book tells you how to save the world while the other tells you how to save on alimony. (Argus Hamilton)

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