WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-13-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Britney’s been a pop superstar, then had two failed marriages, shaved her head, flashed her vagina, embarrassed herself at the MTV Awards, and lost custody of her kids. It’s being described as the biggest downhill slide since the New York Mets. (Conan O’Brien)

The hookers in Times Square are offering a New York Mets special. It’s $50, you can’t go all the way, but they will really suck. (Alex Kaseberg)

Marion Jones has returned her five Olympic medals. Within a half hour, OJ called and offered to steal them back. (Bob Mills)

According to Forbes magazine, the richest woman in China is a 26-year-old woman. Know what she does? She sells lead paint. (Jay Leno)

A peace Prize for VP Al Gore!
Trifecta! Who could ask for more?
His clever hat trick
Makes rumors fly thick
That soon he’ll be going for four
(Gary Hallock)

The annual cat show is at Madison Square Garden; there was an embarrassing moment when a confused New York Knick coach, Isaiah Thomas, showed up to try and get some pussy. (Alex Kaseberg)

Brad Pitt says George Clooney should run for President. Good idea. When he can’t balance the federal budget — President Clooney and a bunch of his buddies can raise cash by knocking over a Las Vegas casino. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Taco Bell has opened its first restaurant in Mexico featuring the American version of the taco. Called a “tacostada,” it comes with a complimentary green card. (Bob Mills)

Guiliani frequently tells supporters that “I’m probably one of the four or five best known Americans in the world.” Best known adulterer for sure. (Bob Mills)

The Swedish Academy, located in the country that makes gas-guzzling, high-test-burning Volvos, has awarded the Nobel Hypocrisy Prize to Al Gore, who will fly to Oslo in his private jet to be honored for his battle against global warming. Gore promises to lower the heat in his swimming pool and in 20 rooms of his mansion while he’s gone. (Scott Witt)

Senator Larry Craig, the man of the peep hole. I’m sorry, man of the people. As you know, Larry Craig said he was going to resign. He has now vowed to stay in the Senate and finish his term. You know, you just don’t flush a career like that down the toilet. (Jay Leno)

LARRY CRAIG

Senator Larry Craig is inducted into Idaho’s Hall of Fame tomorrow. He should stop apologizing. If strangers didn’t meet for anonymous sex and then disappear from each other’s lives forever, many of our nation’s lawmakers would never have been born. (Argus Hamilton)

Larry Craig will be installed in the Idaho Hall of Fame. Not to be outdone, the National Association of NFL Linemen will soon honor him with their annual “Wide Stance Award.”(Bob Mills)

Senator Craig’s fellow Republicans are not happy. They want him out of there. A lot of them stopped talking to him. Some of them have stopped having sex with him. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Following Idaho Sen. Larry Craig’s announcement that he would remain in the senate working to clear his name after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct charges, C-Span announced today it would add Senate restroom-cam programming to its C-Span2 lineup. “As part of our mission to hold public officials accountable for their actions in Washington,” said an unnamed C-Span spokesman, “during our regular programming, we’ll continually display a picture-within-picture video feed of the floor under the stall walls of senate restrooms.” (Scrappleface)

Sen. Larry Craig has been chosen for induction into the Idaho Hall of Fame. The senator is already an inductee of the Stall of Fame in Minnesota. (Pedro Bartes)

Sen. Craig, a Republican, said “I’ve come to realize that the people of Idaho elected me primarily to make them feel good about themselves. Now, I can serve them best by using my taxpayer- funded salary, office and staff to work hard for Idahoans to assure they’ll no longer bear the shame of hearing the phrase ‘disgraced former Idaho senator’.” (Scrappleface)

Senator Larry Craig of Idaho said Friday he will remain in the U. S. Senate. He’s defiant. Even though he’s been caught red-handed and he can’t withdraw his guilty plea, he is not resigning from the U. S. Senate and he’s not giving up his Olympic medals. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

According to Reuters, Democratic candidates have raised more money than the Republican candidates. Over the summer, Hillary Clinton raised 27 million dollars, Barack Obama collected well over 20 million, and Dennis Kucinich saved a ton of dough on his car insurance by switching to Geico. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama announced he is flying back home to Chicago to have a have a hot 15th wedding anniversary date with his wife. Every candidate spends their anniversary differently? Rudy Giuliani spends his trying to remember which wife he’s married to, Hillary Clinton spends her wedding anniversary trying to track down Bill, and Fred Thompson spends his helping his young wife with her homework. (Jay Leno)

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today called upon the United States to pay homage to its alleged Christian roots by replacing George Washington on the $1 bill with a more appropriate image, that of Jesus Christ. “The beautiful thing about the $1 bill is that even the poor can afford them, just like they can afford the teachings of Jesus,” McCain said. “Some think we should call it Messiah Money or Christ Cash, but I’m personally in favor of a shift in emphasis, from the one dollar bill to The One dollar bill.” (Crystal Air)

Mitt Romney has become his own biggest campaign donor, giving himself $17.5 Million. Dennis Kucinich has also become his own biggest campaign donor, writing himself a check for $38.42. (Jim Barach)

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards said that a tabloid story claiming that he had an extramarital affair was untrue. Edwards added that he’s been in love with the same person for more than 30 years: himself. (Pedro Bartes)

Rudy Giuliani was booed by Yankees fans at Yankee Stadium Monday when he was shown on the giant video screen during the team’s season-ending loss to Cleveland. Of course he was there. When a New York landmark collapses, you just can’t keep him away. (Argus Hamilton)

If Dennis Kucinich is elected president, his wife would be the first first lady with a pierced tongue. And he would be the first president to ever sit in the Oval Office on a booster seat. (Jay Leno)

Even if Dennis Kucinich doesn’t get to be president, his wife still gets to be First Lady. This week, we learned that Mrs. Kucinich has a stud in her tongue. No, not me. I’m talking about – I’m talking about a piercing in her tongue. And if we’re serious about keeping the president from even thinking about getting blown by the interns, believe me, this is the way to do it. (Bill Moyer)

The Munchkin Coroner from the Land of Oz has declared the presidential chances of Democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich, “Not only merely dead, but really quite sincerely dead.” This has got to hurt Kucinich coming from a fellow Munchkin. (Gorsefeathers)

Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it’s all part of their plan to sell zero magazines. (Conan O’Brien)

There was another presidential debate held yesterday. It was a Republican debate held in Dearborn, Michigan. It was ‘Law & Order’ star Fred Thompson’s first presidential debate. I’d say the addition of Fred Thompson has given these debates exactly what they need — another old white guy. (Jimmy Kimmel)

John McCain told a Detroit crowd Tuesday that he would completely retool the country’s unemployment system and focus on older workers. Everyone’s in favor of retooling older workers. Here in Los Angeles it is known as a full face and neck lift. (Argus Hamilton)

GOP candidate Ron Paul alarmed his party with a huge third-quarter fundraising total, mostly from Internet donors. The anti-war congressman told reporters it’s not a top-down campaign, the campaign is really bottom up. Well, he is a gynecologist. (Argus Hamilton)

Ron Paul said he’s running for president on the humble and non-interventionist foreign policy that President Bush ran on six years ago. The president honestly doesn’t know how we wound up attacking Iraq. His trainer told him it was flaxseed oil. (Argus Hamilton)

Log Cabin Republicans said Friday they’ll oppose Mitt Romney. They are a group of gay Republicans founded upon the evidence that Abe Lincoln was secretly gay. Do you know how hard you had to tap your foot so the guy could hear you in the next outhouse? (Argus Hamilton)

After the debate they go into these spin rooms — all the people from the various campaigns — and tell you how their candidates won. Like Fred Thompson’s people said he won because he didn’t fall asleep. Mitt Romney’s campaign said he won because he had two positions on every issue. And Rudy’s campaign said he won because he lasted the entire time without one cell phone call from his wife. (Jay Leno)

Fred Thompson is also being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he referred to Russia as the Soviet Union. But Thompson is brushing off the criticism. He says he’s now focusing all his attention on America’s role in the League of Nations. (Jay Leno)

Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union, which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin. (Conan O’Brien)

In a preview of a looming 2008 election battle over stem cell research and global warming, Hillary Clinton accused President George W. Bush of waging a “war on science.” Of course, based on his previous wars, this will probably just end up creating more scientists. (Seth Meyers)

On the Barack Obama campaign’s hope to surprise Hillary Clinton in Iowa: Just having a black man show up in Iowa should do it. (Jim Barach)

You realize nobody’s watching the debates. They’re too boring. I say, have the candidates tell the audience why they want to win and why each of the other candidates should not win. Then the second 15 minutes they have the dance contest and the swimsuit competition… And then each week they let everybody vote off one candidate. By the time next year’s primaries roll around maybe we’ll have some new candidates who can cut a rug and look better in swimsuits. (Joe Hickman)

Hillary Clinton now has a solid lead in the Democratic race for president. She wants to give every baby born in the U.S. $5,000 for college. This will help each of them offset the cost of a textbook. (Alan Ray)

Hillary Clinton said she has given up her “baby bond” idea which would have given every baby born in the United States a $5,000 account to one day pay for college or a first home. Apparently, Hillary changed her mind because the idea had upset one of Bill Clinton’s most important supporters: Trojans. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. Political insiders are speculating that Hillary may choose a Spanish running mate. When Bill heard this, he yelled, “How about Salma Hayek?” (Conan O’Brien)

McCain said that as president he’d appoint Alan Greenspan to revamp the Tax Code and “if he’s no longer alive, we’ll prop him up and put sunglasses on him like they did in ‘Weekend at Bernie’s.'” You know, kind of like what they do with Cheney’s weekend hunting victims. (Bob Mills)

PRESIDENT BUSH

When Jenna Bush was asked what her dad thinks of her new book, she said she hasn’t read it to him yet. (Scott Witt)

President Bush vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded children’s health insurance. This is all part of his new policy of No child left alive. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush says that these rumors that he’s just getting ready to attack Iran are propaganda. He said he and Cheney were ready months ago. (Jay Leno)

In a move that seemed guaranteed to stir controversy, President Bush today vetoed a bill that would give candy to over four million babies. At the White House, aides to the president said that Mr. Bush was “unconcerned” that his veto would create the impression that he was, in effect, taking candy from babies. “Being president means making tough decisions,” said White House press secretary Dana Perino. “If that means taking candy from babies, so be it.” (Andy Borowitz)

Last night, President Bush had dinner with a group of Muslims at the White House and he quoted the prophet Mohammed. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Mohammed as “the greatest boxer of all time.” (Conan O’Brien)

THE ADMINISTRATION

To stem the carnage of Iraqi civilians, Rice sent State Department employees to oversee those trigger-happy Blackwater mercenaries. Isn’t this a little like sending Marion Jones to the Olympics as a track and field drug tester? (Bob Mills)

THE CONGRESS

Congress continues to debate the child health care bill. Some say only poor kids should be covered, others think middle class children should be included, and experts say the government should take care of every kid with more than five toys made in China. (Jake Novak)

The fire department determined the cause of the fire that affected a bathroom in the senate building. Apparently, the fire started from a spark originated with so much foot rubbing in one of the stalls. (Pedro Bartes)

THE STATES

A Washington State law that bans candidates from deliberately lying about their opponents was declared unconstitutional. Apparently the court was worried about the repercussions if politicians started telling the truth. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

This week, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was the victim of identity theft. By the time police arrested the thief, he had already passed three ordinances and dedicated a museum. (Conan O’Brien)

Los Angeles Sheriff’s Deputies are being accused of holding contests to see who can arrest the most people. Meanwhile, L.A. juries are running contests to see who can acquit the most murderers. (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A man in Missouri faces thirty years in prison, on his third strike, for stealing a donut. The man denied that he stole the donut and today OJ Simpson offered to help him find the real crullers. (Alex Kaseberg)

TERRORISM

The CIA reported on Saturday that every capital city in Europe is under threat of al-Qaeda attack. Response was swift. Paris thanked the agency, Berlin laughed it off and London broke into the usual debate over whether or not Britain is in Europe. (Argus Hamilton)

IMMIGRATION

A new study says that more than 10,000 Cubans a year are entering the United States by going to Mexico and crossing the border. U.S. Customs agents are furious because they say Cubans are stealing jobs that should go to Mexicans. (Conan O’Brien)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Mexico’s President Felipe Calderon gave a speech Monday blasting the United States government for deciding to build the border barrier with Mexico. The border wall has made him furious. He ordered his people not to build it. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

The U.S. Treasury is issuing a new five dollar bill, with a much larger, easy-to-read five on it. Thanks to the large print, the five dollar bill will retain its status as the official birthday gift from old people. (Conan O’Brien)

TAXES

A Massachusetts woman who got a sex change operation wants to get a tax deduction for the surgery. The IRS says it was cosmetic, but may allow it if the woman files a joint return. (Jim Barach)

HEALTH

Drug makers pulled cold medicines targeted for babies and toddlers off the market Thursday. Apparently, parents will once again be forced to calm down their kids the old fashion way: two shots of wine. (Pedro Bartes)

The FDA rejects one third of all names proposed for new drugs, despite pharmaceutical companies spending $200,000 to $500,000 to come up with them. The agency? s stringent rules require that they be distinctive, not easily confused with other names and easy for Rush Limbaugh to pronounce. (Bob Mills)

THE ENVIRONMENT

How about the sinkhole and mudslide in wealthy La Jolla? Two houses slid down a hill and 15 more could slide down; and they say California real estate isn’t moving these days. (Alex Kaseberg)

SPORTS

The New York Mets failed to make the playoffs. People are so upset, apparently half the team has been deported. (Conan O’Brien)

A sports marketer says Reggie Bush’s family received $280,000 in benefits while at USC. Most transactions took place where no one associated with the team would notice. In a classroom. (Alan Ray)

Olympic gold medal winning sprinter Marion Jones finally admitted she used steroids. Jones finally decided to stop using steroids right about when her testicles began to shrink. (Alex Kaseberg)

U. S. Olympic track star Marion Jones has admitted that she used steroids. She denied it for years, and people began to suspect something was up when in 1998, she entered her scrotum in the 100 meter hurdle. (Jimmy Kimmel)

After years of vehemently denying endless accusations, gold medal winning sprinter Marion Jones finally admitted she used steroids. In equally shocking sports news, baseball players spit. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn’t even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife. (Jay Leno)

On Rev. Al Sharpton’s proposed boycott by Knicks fans until Isiah Thomas apologizes for his remarks against women: Like Knicks fans need another excuse to not attend the games. (Pedro Bartes)

On the Cleveland Indians eliminating the New York Yankees from the playoffs: “The Yankees are upset because the season is over, and the Indians are upset because they have to go back to Cleveland. (Conan O’Brien)

Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James sat in the front row at the Cleveland Indians home playoff game Thursday wearing a New York Yankees cap. No one can believe he did it. He might as well have worn an Osama bin Laden mask to the president’s prayer breakfast. (Argus Hamilton)
The New York Yankees faced the wrath of George Steinbrenner after they lost to the Cleveland Indians on Monday. No one thought it conceivably possible. It took five hundred and fifteen years but the Indians finally caught a break on Columbus Day. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

A growing number of movie studios have ruled that smoking may not be shown in their films because of the bad effect it could have on young people. On the other hand theaters will continue to push torture, rape, incest, and buttered popcorn. (Scott Witt)

CBS premiers its new shows tonight. On the “Ghost Whisperer,” Jennifer Love-Hewitt plays a sexy ghost who solves crimes with her enormous, uh, friends. Between Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Drew Carey, CBS has got the biggest boobs on television. (Craig Ferguson)

A lot of the new shows have the supernatural element about them. That show “The Reaper” is all about people who sell their souls to the devil. I liked it better when it was called “The Apprentice.” (Craig Ferguson)

Not such a great day for the set of the new “Indiana Jones” movie. There was a robbery. The thieves made off with computers and props, and Harrison Ford’s walker. (Craig Ferguson)

THE MEDIA

Right-wing pundit Ann Coulter told Sean Hannity, that she will vote Republican because she doesn’t want to be fitted for a burqa. Apparently she doesn’t want to repeat the hassle she went through when she was fitted for her KKK outfit. (Pedro Bartes)

CELEBRITIES

More bad news for Britney Spears; Spears claims someone broke into her house and stole her homemade sex videos; not only that, OJ Simpson broke in and got a lot of his memorabilia back. (Alex Kaseberg)

Britney Spears said she regretted losing custody of her children “because I was just teaching them how to drive.” (Andy Borowitz)

A judge ruled that Britney Spears’ kids would be better off they go to live with Kevin Federline. The judge made the ruling after a six-month exhaustive search for an option C. (Conan O’Brien)

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the Rolling Stones have the most successful music tour ever, bringing in $437 million. To be fair, the tour did start in 1829. (Jay Leno)

There’s an article in Parade magazine encouraging Ben Affleck to run for president. That would mean the first lady would be Matt Damon. (Craig Ferguson)

Brad Pitt is saying that George Clooney should run for president, which I think would be good for this country. Anything to keep him from making “Ocean’s 14.” (Craig Ferguson)

Former “The Price is Right” host Bob Barker is being sued for sexual harassment for the seventh time, the guy is 83. On the bright side, Viagra named Bob Man-of-the-year. (Alex Kaseberg)

O. J. Simpson had to turn over his watch to the Goldman family. It’s part of a tough new law in Los Angeles: Kill someone, you lose your watch. (David Letterman)

The Rolex that OJ was ordered to turn over to the Goldmans turned out to be a $100 knockoff. But a good one—the Oyster Perpetual Day, Date, Alibi-adjust. (Bob Mills)

The “New York Daily News” reports that Charlie Sheen once owned a $6,000 full-sized, anatomically-correct cheerleader doll. Unfortunately for Sheen, he was still forced to wear protection, because the doll was from China. (Pedro Bartes)

Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab in Utah and ready to begin filming her next movie, Dare to Love Me. A hit would be great for her career. Lindsay Lohan’s last movie was so bad that everybody walked out on it, and it was the in-flight movie. (Argus Hamilton)

Bruce Springsteen was sued Friday for backing out of a deal to buy a horse for eight hundred thousand bucks. It wasn’t overpriced. With all the meat recalls last week due to the E. coli scare, the horse is worth millions if he’s put out to hamburger. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

Oral Roberts, Jr., president of Oral Roberts University, has been sued by school benefactors for squandering college funds on expensive clothes, cars, jewelry, cell phones, electronic equipment and vacation trips. Hello! Hey, the guy is a bible-thumping evangelist. That’s his JOB. (Bob Mills)

CULTURE

A survey in “Self” magazine claims 52% of people said they have had sex with someone at work; unless you work for the New York Mets, than everyone got screwed. (Alex Kaseberg)

A Haitian memorial monument has been unveiled in Savannah. Visitors are encouraged to stick pins in it. (Bob Mills)

HOLIDAYS

Happy Columbus Day. Banks are closed. Post office is closed. Shea Stadium is closed. (David Letterman)

BUSINESS

Coors and Miller will combine their U.S. brewing operations. This will allow both beers to compete more efficiently with their chief rival. Teenage sobriety. (Alan Ray)

2 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-13-07

  1. Sen. Larry Craig was admitted into the Idaho Hall of Fame? Are you sure they didn’t mean the Hall of Flame?

  2. Bancheese,
    That’s hilarious!
    😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s