WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-27-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

What a terrific audience we have. We have 500 people here tonight. We have straight people, we have gay people, we have white people, we have black people. It’s like a Dick Cheney family reunion. (Jay Leno)

The smoke was so thick in Malibu you couldn’t see Britney Spears’ vagina. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Countrywide Financial announced Tuesday it will reach out and try to help millions of American homeowners refinance their sub-prime mortgages. It really looks like the market’s turning around. Real estate in Southern California has never been hotter. (Argus Hamilton)

More bad news today for Barack Obama. He just found out he’s related to Bill O’Reilly too. The guy can’t get a break! (Jay Leno)

A 16 year old girl’s prosthetic limbs were returned by the person who stole them. The family was concerned about having to buy replacements. Those things cost an arm and a leg. (Jim Barach)

White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said yesterday that global warming has some public health benefits and that it helps poor people in areas of cold winters. Apparently, she forgot to mention that global warming also provides long and nice baths when during floods and helps you lose weight when it causes famine. (Pedro Bartes)

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the states with the most conservative Christians have the highest rates of divorce, the highest teen pregnancy rates and the highest obesity levels. Yes, they’re fat, knocked up and not talking to each other–but, at least they put homosexuality back where it belongs: in the airport men’s room. (Bill Moher)

Bob Jones University leaders endorsed Mitt Romney Tuesday despite the school’s stated belief that Mormonism is just a cult. Evangelicals are pragmatic if nothing else. They will nominate someone from a cult if that’s what it takes to defeat a witch. (Argus Hamilton)

This week Virgin Airlines began flying from Los Angeles to Washington DC. This also marks the first time the words Los Angeles, Washington DC and Virgin have ever been used together. (Alex Kaseberg)

A new study on marriage finds that too many Americans are getting married for the wrong reasons. Let me introduce them to you: My son “Broken Trojan” and my daughter “don’t worry is that day of the month.” (Pedro Bartes)

A Japanese company called Kaneko Sangyo Co. unveiled a brand new product: A portable, in-car toilet. The company warned the user to not use it for sexual purposes because you might hurt yourself if you do the foot tapping in the accelerator. (Pedro Bartes)

AL GORE

Earlier this year, Al Gore won an Emmy and an Oscar. Now that he has won the Nobel Peace Prize, some people say he may run for president. Gore says he’s not even thinking about running for president because he’s thinking about the Heisman trophy. (Conan O’Brien)

Now that he’s won the Nobel Prize, Al Gore has a huge, international platform to fight global warming. Kind of sad. today he stepped onto that platform and it collapsed. (Jay Leno)

A lot of people are wondering now if Al Gore will run for president. Which would make it a Gore vs. Hillary Democratic primary. Kind of a global warming vs. global cooling. (Jay Leno)

Congratulations to Al Gore for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I thought this was sad: Al had the Nobel Peace Prize for less than a week and O.J. broke in and stole it. (David Letterman)

He’s won an Academy award, he’s won an Emmy award, and now he’s won a Nobel prize. Honestly, I think it’s going to his head. Listen to what happened over the weekend: Al Gore was in a bar screaming, “Who wants a Nobel prize piece of ass?” (David Letterman)

CALIFORNIA FIRES

The good news for us in San Diego is that FEMA is on the way; the bad news? They’re responding to the 2003 Cedar fire. (Alex Kaseberg)

Thousands of evacuees in the San Diego area are being sent to Qualcomm Stadium because that idea worked so well when they sent people to the Super Dome during Katrina. (Jake Novak)

San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium sheltered the brushfire evacuees Wednesday. Inside the stadium they were offered yoga, acupuncture, massage therapy, cappuccino and catered meals from the Hyatt. San Diego’s fine, but New Orleans could riot any day now. (Argus Hamilton)

Evacuees affected by the wild fires in San Diego were sheltered in San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium Wednesday. Inside the stadium, they were offered yoga, acupuncture, massage therapy, cappuccinos and catered meals. And all that in the bleachers! Can you imagine in the luxury boxes? (Pedro Bartes)

San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium was converted into a disaster shelter Monday. The evacuees had massage therapy, live rock bands and gourmet buffets from the Hyatt. Southern Californians haven’t suffered like this since it drizzled on the Rose Parade. (Argus Hamilton)

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger got President Bush on the phone Tuesday as the disaster spread. It was easy. He called up the Iranian family whose castle burned down in Malibu and two clicks later he knew he had the president’s undivided attention. (Argus Hamilton)

Arnold Schwarzenegger did a great job providing aid and moral support to San Diegans during the fires. In addition, Arnold provided much needed comic relief when Arnold tried to pronounce the word: conflagration. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Bush flew to San Diego, Thursday. Apparently disaster experts feel it would provide much needed comic relief for the fire victims to hear President Bush try and pronounce combustible. (Alex Kaseberg)

San Diego County was declared a disaster area Monday when brushfires fueled by high winds left two hundred and fifty thousand evacuees trapped. Residents didn’t have any place to run. It was a mistake to build that border wall without a fire exit. (Argus Hamilton)

San Diego wildfire evacuees were housed in Qualcomm Stadium Monday because it’s fireproof. Sports stadiums make great shelters. When Indiana is hit by tornadoes, people go to Notre Dame Stadium because nobody believes there’ll be a touchdown there. (Argus Hamilton)

The San Diego area is trying to make the best after their disaster; in fact, a nearby Temecula winery has just come out with a new barbeque flavored Cabernet. (Alex Kaseberg)

Fearing for their safety, about 50 suspected illegal immigrants have surrendered to the Border Patrol since Sunday to escape one of Southern California’s largest wildfires. In other news, CNN host Lou Dobbs has been seen with a box of matches and a can of gas driving to California. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CANDIDATES

If the choice in ’08 is between Rudy and Hillary, “values voters” must do the Christian thing and choose Hillary. Of course, I think all religion is nuts, but at least she practices it the way Jesus suggested: privately. Like a Dick Cheney energy meeting. Plus, she’s raised an admirable daughter, while Rudy’s kids couldn’t hate him more if they were New York City firefighters. And let’s not forget, Hillary didn’t commit adultery. Her husband did. And afterwards, she did the Christian thing and forgave him. And then she had a GPS unit implanted in his penis. But the important thing is, she forgave him! (Bill Moher)

Maria Schriver is hosting a first-ever meeting of the the presidential candidates’ spouses. Mrs. Giuliani declined to attend, but luckily, Rudy has two backups. (Bob Mills)

Political experts say Hillary Clinton is showing her femininity to court older, married women. To even things out, Bill Clinton is spending his time courting younger, single women. (Jim Barach)

During a town hall meeting in northwestern New Hampshire Tuesday night, Rudy Giuliani said that blind people should be able to carry guns. Maybe Giuliani is planning to hire them to guard the constitution if he becomes president. (Pedro Bartes)

Each Republican presidential candidate is now trying to prove he is the most conservative. Rudy Giuliani is boasting his credentials. In all of his marriages, he’s always wedded women. (Alan Ray)

During a campaign bus swing through South Carolina Monday, Sen. John McCain confessed he’s got the Swedish group ABBA on his iPod. Reporters were shocked: McCain has enough money for an iPod? (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton told Essence magazine she thinks her marriage to Bill has been well worth it. She said she never doubted it was a marriage worth investing in. Whenever they have coffee together they charge each other a hundred thousand dollars. (Argus Hamilton)

Some of the candidates are so confident of winning that they’ve begun planning their presidential libraries. Perennial contender Dennis Kucinich isn’t clear on just when he’ll complete his eight years, so he’s reserved space for a building to go up in Memphis in 2016, 2024, 2032, or 2040. Laid-back, easy-going Fred Thompson is all set, though. He’s rented a desk drawer at Memphis State University to house all his presidential papers. (Scott Witt)

Rudy Giuliani said yesterday that water boarding should or should not be consider torture depending on the circumstance. For example if you are water-boarding your wife because she is asking for a lot of money in the divorce settlement, it could be ok. (Pedro Bartes)

Super Yankee fan Rudy Giuliani says he’s rooting for the Red Sox in the World Series. And if he can do that, why can’t Pro-Life Republicans vote for him in the South Carolina primary? (Jake Novak)

Attempting to regain voters turned off by his stand on abortion, Giuliani told the Conservative Family Research Council that “I am an imperfect man who asks for guidance through prayer.” In response, Jesus often calls him on his cell phone during speeches. (Bob Mills)

Candidates out there campaigning very hard. Everyone’s trying a different angle right now to get the lead. Presidential candidate John McCain has been taking his 95-year-old mother along with him on his campaign bus. None of the other candidates are traveling with their mothers, but Bill Clinton is traveling with several MILFs. (Conan O’Brien)

Hillary Clinton told the Des Moines Register Tuesday Iowa is a tough state for her to win. She said she never knew Iowans had never elected a woman to statewide office. This is what happens when you have all your detectives following your husband around. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton kicked off her Organizing for Change tour in Iowa Saturday. She talked to voters under a banner reading Rebuilding the Road to the Middle Class. As a good Methodist she was taught to respect the middle class, they could revolt any day. (Argus Hamilton)

Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama has nabbed the backing of Duffy Lyon, a farmer famous for sculpting cows out of butter at the Iowa State Fair. After hearing of a sweet, buttery 600 pounds cow, Bill Clinton said he’s voting for Obama. (Pedro Bartes)

The National Italian-American Foundation met in Washington Friday and endorsed Rudy Giuliani. They feel very grateful to him. After Rudy Giuliani got finished prosecuting their relatives there were a lot of job openings in the family businesses. (Argus Hamilton)

Chuck Norris announced Monday he is endorsing Mike Huckabee for president in 2008. If Huckabee as a president is like the exercise machine Norris endorses on TV, he is gonna be useful for 2 weeks and then will make for a wonderful coat hunger. (Pedro Bartes)

GOP candidate Mike Huckabee told the Republican presidential debate audience in Orlando Sunday that there’s nothing funny about Hillary Clinton becoming president. Comedians everywhere had the same reaction. There goes what’s left of his credibility (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton slipped a million dollars into a Senate spending bill Thursday for a Woodstock Museum. It’ll celebrate the famed hippie rock concert thirty-eight summers ago. This is as close as she’s going to come to calling for an end to the war. (Argus Hamilton)

John Edwards told high schoolers in New Hampshire the U.S. has a moral and legal obligation to treat women as the equals of men. It’s sad to hear. John Edwards went into this race as the front-runner and now he’s opening for Helen Reddy at school assemblies. (Argus Hamilton)

How many arch conservatives are here tonight? Sam Brownback has quit the race for president. His supporter is devastated. Brownback said he couldn’t raise enough money, he couldn’t get enough support, and he got tired of carrying around that fetus in a jar. He said he knew he made the right decision to get out of the race when he sat down to tell his wife and she said, “You’re running for president?” (Bill Maher)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Bush has moved forward with a plan to implement a missile defense shield with radar in the Czech Republic and missiles in Poland. It’s an overpriced, hair brained scheme Reagan came up with that works about as well as trickle down economics. (Bob Mills)

President Bush is asking Congress for another $42 billion for the wars. One billion more for the troops and $41 billion for lawyers to defend Blackwater. (Joe Hickman)

President Bush met with the Dalai Lama at the White House. One awkward moment: When the Dalai Lama walked into the Oval Office wearing the traditional robe, Bush started chanting, “Toga! Toga!” (Jay Leno)

The White House announced Friday that French President Nicolas Sarkozy will be President Bush’s guest next month. This is ominous news for Iran. There’s enough testosterone in Washington D. C. as it is without adding a divorced Frenchman to the mix. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Dick Cheney fell asleep during a cabinet meeting about the California wildfires, until somebody kicked him in the chest, and the battery of the pacemaker started working again. (Pedro Bartes)

Dick Cheney gave a speech in Virginia in which he virtually promised to attack Iran. It’s not always clear what he’s thinking. Iran’s president already said they don’t have any homosexuals in the country so it must be the nuclear program. (Argus Hamilton)

The head of the DEA is leaving her job to become a senior VP at Motorola, a logical move since most drug deals are conducted on Motorola phones and pagers. (Jake Novak)

THE DEMOCRATS

U.S. Congressman Pete Stark of San Francisco apologized for saying the president enjoys casualties in Iraq. How’d that happen? Normally to get a politician from San Francisco to apologize you have to have photographic evidence of heterosexual behavior. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

A new study shows that elephants can literally smell danger. That is why the Republican Party is running away from Bush as fast as they can. (Pedro Bartes)

The Republican Governors Association partied in Washington Monday to celebrate Bobby Jindal’s election as governor of Louisiana. It broke the mold. The voters of Louisiana elected the only Indian in the state who is ineligible for a casino license. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

Senator Larry Craig told Matt Lauer he is the victim of “Gladiator politics”. He then asked Lauer if he would like to join him in watching a Gladiator movie sometime. (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The inquiry into the Guantanamo Bay contraband underwear smuggling incident has ended without finding the source. The military says it will just have to file the necessary briefs. The incident was first discovered when prison guards claimed it was cruel and unusual punishment for them to have to see prisoners walking around in Speedos. (Jim Barach)

The US military has ended an inquiry into who smuggled an unauthorized Speedo at Guantanamo Bay. Officials discovered that some new prisoners were wrong and smuggled the Speedo because they thought water-boarding meant surfing. (Pedro Bartes)

Police in Pittsburgh are looking for a man who called a branch of KFC pretending to be a policeman and warning of a robbery. The man is said to have called the fast food restaurant and told a manager that staff should cooperate and allow police to arrest the thief when he left. The robber showed up a few minutes later, just as the caller said, but police never arrived. The robber, armed with a long barreled black gun, took off with about $200. (Humor-Exprezz)

TERRORISM

Hezbollah warned the U. S. government on Saturday that setting up a military base in Lebanon would be a hostile act. Hezbollah is a terrorist group. They are hoping that when the BCS rankings come out Sunday that al-Qaeda will no longer be number one. (Argus Hamilton)

Osama bin Laden is chastising al Qaida in Iraq for lack of unity. It’s difficult solidifying this type of fighting force. Suicide bombers don’t tend to stick together for very long. (Alan Ray)

IMMIGRATION

There are more and more Cuban illegal immigrants coming in from Mexico, And of course, many Cuban refugees are still coming in the old way: through the New York Yankees front office. (Alex Kaseberg)

SECURITY

A new study found that screeners at L. A. International Airport missed 75 percent of the big bombs that were sent through the line as tests! However, they did confiscate 100 percent of people’s water bottles which forced them to buy new ones at the airport gift shop. (Jay Leno)

Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time, but not one drop of shampoo. (Bill Maher)

Homeland Security ran a test Tuesday and found that Los Angeles Airport security screeners missed seventy-five percent of the fake bombs carried through the X-ray machines. There was an explanation. The new X-ray machines only screen for fake boobs. (Argus Hamilton)

Officials have said that security screeners missed almost 60% of simulated explosives during tests conducted by undercover federal agents passing through checkpoints. Officials also noted that screeners took almost a 100% of passengers’ toothpaste, dry stick deodorant and bottles of water. So now you know it: if you want to smuggle some toothpaste into the plane, disguise it as a bomb. (Pedro Bartes)

The CIA began studying Las Vegas surveillance techniques Monday to help uncover terrorists. You don’t need high tech to spot terrorists in Vegas. You just watch to see who heckles Wayne Newton during his salute to the troops, then you waterboard them. (Argus Hamilton)

SPACE & NASA

NASA surveyed airline pilots to learn the number of near-collisions in the air every day. The pilots want it kept secret. If they release the number of near-collisions in the air every day it will just be more ammunition for Mothers Against Drunk Flying. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

China launched its first lunar probe into space today, hoping the lunar surface will yield a new source of poisonous lead paint (Jake Novak)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair has begun work on his memoirs. Critics say his Iraq war policy was ghost-written by George Bush, but Blair promises to write the memoirs himself. He will, however, have the British and American Kennel Clubs fact-check the section entitled “My Lap Dog Years.” (Scott Witt)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

The Turkish parliament has voted to approve the idea of invading Iraq. President Bush was furious. He said, “What kind of country takes a vote before it invades Iraq?” (Bill Maher)

Turkey’s Parliament voted Wednesday to authorize Turkish troops to invade Iraq to hunt down rebel Kurds. No troops could be sent until the elected representatives of the people specifically authorized it. That’s how they do it in backward countries. (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

French president Nicolas Sarkozy and wife Cecilia divorced Thursday after they admitted they stayed married just to win the presidency. This won’t happen to the Clintons. Neither Bill nor Hillary would give up the revenue from the Lincoln Bedroom. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

The Federal Reserve will reportedly cut interest rates Tuesday to bail out the financial markets. It’s just in time. Homeowners were drowning in the ocean with sharks fast approaching, when miraculously the Fed steps in and saves the sharks. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE

Nobel Prize-winning scientist James Watson apologized Friday after saying that blacks aren’t as intelligent as whites. He won the Nobel for discovering DNA. If it weren’t for his work, Bill Clinton would not have had to get his wife a Senate seat. (Argus Hamilton)

HEALTH

The FDA says that Viagra and other impotence drugs could cause hearing loss in men. What a bummer, just when you can finally make your partner scream and moan you won’t be able to hear it. (Pedro Bartes)

The FDA announced Thursday it will order the makers of anti-impotence drugs to add new label warnings. It turns out that drugs like Viagra can cause hearing loss. This explains why so many Republican presidential debates turn into shouting matches. (Argus Hamilton)

Scientists are working on a new type of dental filling that doesn’t require drilling teeth. Most dentists say they aren’t planning to use the new technology, saying “What fun is that?” (Jim Barach)

A study in Chicago is looking into the possibility of there being a genetic link to being gay. That’s why President Bush is against gay marriage. He says if two gay men get married then they could start having gay children. (Jim Barach)

After a study by the Georgetown School of Medicine said that millions of dollars are wasted on unnecessary medical tests, the American Medical Association said that there might be something wrong with the author of the study and he should come in for a checkup immediately. (Andy Borowitz)

THE ENVIRONMENT

Former FEMA Michael Brown is being offered to the media as available for interviews to discuss the wildfire crisis in Southern California. Because, if there’s someone that knows about disaster, that is Brown, not so much about how to deal with it, but more like how to foster it. (Pedro Bartes)

SPORTS

The Colorado Rockies have lost the first two games to the Boston Red Sox in the World Series; now I don’t want to say the Rockies are in trouble, but in Las Vegas you can get better odds on Pamela Anderson and Rick Solomon’s marriage. (Alex Kaseberg)

On Yankees manager Joe Torre’s rejecting the team’s offer of a pay cut that would reduce his salary to $5 million a year: “Torre said for $5 million he couldn’t even get Yankee tickets.” (Conan O’Brien)

Joe Torre refused the New York Yankees’ final contract offer Thursday. He could not accept the salary cut. They offered him five million dollars to live in New York City one more year, but he’s too proud to go on welfare at this point in his life. (Argus Hamilton)

The Yankees are searching for a replacement for Joe Torre. The leading candidates are Don Mattingly, Joe Girardi, and the last three guys they admitted to the 5th floor at Bellevue. (Jake Novak)

The New York Giants play the Miami Dolphins in London on Sunday. Our reputation precedes us. When the play-by-play announcer says to watch for the bomb out of the shotgun formation, the English will think that negotiations with Iran broke down again. (Argus Hamilton)

The National Hockey League is testing a new thermal ice skate blade that’s kept warm by a battery. It also has a tiny compartment that stores dislodged teeth at body temperature until the player can seek medical attention. (Bob Mills)

Bowling has surpassed ice hockey as the fastest growing high school sport. Remember when you had to sign up for interior decorating or the Drama Club to get a silk shirt with your name embroidered over the pocket? (Bob Mills)

CELEBRITIES

Paris Hilton is vowing to “Leave a mark on the world”. Unfortunately, that mark is a cold sore. (Jim Barach)

Yesterday Britney Spears turned herself into police headquarters for a previous hit-and-run accident. While taking the mug shot photo, police said, “No, no, Britney we want a picture of your face.” (Conan O’Brien)

Britney Spears backed her car over another paparazzi photographer on Monday. Britney hits more paparazzi’s before 9:00 a.m. than Lindsay Lohan hits after 2:00 a.m. (Gorsefeathers)

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline attended their first co-parenting class. They both failed the first exam because they copied each other. (Pedro Bartes)

It’s a great day for Madonna. She’s signed a 10-year record deal. That means she’ll be making records until she’s nearly 60. Instead of singing, “Express yourself,” she’ll be singing. “I wet myself.” (Craig Ferguson)

Abigail van Buren, better known as Dear Abby, says she’s for gay marriage… Dear Abby has come out for gay marriage. Which came as a tremendous shock to gay people? they had no idea she was still alive. (Jay Leno)

Drew Carey got engaged over the weekend. It’s true. There’ll be a moment of silence at strip clubs all across America. (Craig Ferguson)

Paris Hilton’s mercy mission to Africa in November will be followed by cameras shooting a reality series called The Philanthropist. She sincerely wants to learn about Africans. She’s curious to know how they manage to stay so thin without cocaine. (Argus Hamilton)

Yesterday FBI agents raided a Las Vegas warehouse owned by magician David Copperfield. They seized nearly $2 million in cash. Apparently the entire $2 million was in quarters Copperfield pulled out of people’s ears. (Conan O’Brien)

David Copperfield’s warehouse in Las Vegas was raided Friday by federal agents who seized his computer hard drive, digital camera chip and two million dollars in cash. It’s a shame. You miss one mortgage payment nowadays and you lose everything. (Argus Hamilton)

FBI agents raided a Las Vegas warehouse owned by magician David Copperfield. They seized nearly $2 million in cash. It turns out that money was going to be used by Copperfield to get super model Claudia Schiffer to marry him again. (Alex Kaseberg)

Inside the Actors’ Studio host James Lipton revealed Monday he worked as a pimp, setting up hookers with clients, while living in Paris as a young man. No one in Hollywood was surprised to hear it. Once an acting teacher, always an acting teacher. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

A conference of top-ranking Christian, Jewish and Muslim religious leaders met in Los Angeles to discuss? problematic passages? in Jewish scripture, the New Testament and the Koran. In attempting to unravel the myths, legends, fantasies and fairy tales, they’ve agreed on only one sacred truth: that the fallen angel Lucifer has returned to earth in the body of Ann Coulter (Bob Mills)

The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contribution to peace, human rights, religious understanding… unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was stripped of his medal after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The Dalai Lama visited at the White House. He rang the doorbell and Bush answered and said, “Oh, let me get some candy.” (David Letterman)

CULTURE

The Poker Players Alliance lobbied Congress Monday to overturn the federal ban on Internet poker. There’s nothing sinful about it. The Queen of Diamonds and the Queen of Hearts are the only two women on the Internet with their blouses buttoned up. (Argus Hamilton)

Travel and Leisure magazine published a readers poll saying that Miami is home to America’s most attractive people. San Diego was second. Los Angeles would have been first, but they took off points for plastic surgery, so we ended up thirty-fifth. (Argus Hamilton)

iPods now make up 70% of the digital music market. The other 30% have devices they accidentally picked up while thinking they were shoplifting an iPod. (Jake Novak)

In awarding the 2007 Nobel Prize in literature to British writer Doris Lessing, the Swedish Academy described her as “that epicist of the female experience, who with skepticism, fire and visionary power has subjected a divided civilization to scrutiny.” The Academy also announced a new award which will go to the first person who can translate the above from its native gobbledygook. (Scott Witt)

Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling has outed Headmaster Dumbledore as being gay. That answers the question why Dumbledore was always so interested in Harry’s magic wand. (Pedro Bartes)

Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling shocked her fans by announcing that Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is gay. And if that weren’t shocking enough, he’s living with the school’s Faculty Men’s Room attendant, Larrididdle Craigadoodle. (Bob Mills)

HOLIDAYS

Halloween approaches. The White House has a pumpkin carved to look like the head of President Bush. The inside is all hollow. (Alan Ray)

BUSINESS

Thanks to a Taco Bell nationwide World Series “Free Taco For A Stolen Base” promotion, everyone in the country, on October 30th , 2-5 pm, can get a free taco; and, as a result, on October 31, 9-12 am, everyone in the country can get free diarrhea. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Taco Bell restaurant chain is about to open in Mexico City. Today, the government of Mexico called it a hate crime. (Jay Leno)

After posting a 32% pofit drop last quarter, the Bank of America is cutting 3000 jobs. Mainly non-essential hold-up note translators and rejected loan grief counselors. (Bob Mills)

Bank of America will cut 3,000 jobs. The termination notices won’t go out for several more weeks. The personnel director must wait for the next available teller. (Alan Ray)

The cruise industry has reported a threefold increase in passengers since 1988. Not in numbers—in pounds. (Bob Mills)

From Bags To Riches.com is renting designer handbags from Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Fendi, Prada, Gucci, Burberry, Bottega Veneta, Balenciaga, Chloe, Christian Dior and Yves Saint Laurent for $299 per month. And if you can’t afford the mandatory theft insurance, each bag comes with an identical Chinese knockoff. (Bob Mills)

Allstate revealed Tuesday it stopped selling homeowner’s insurance in Southern California in July. It’s no surprise. There have been no Good Hands people in California ever since Arnold Schwarzenegger gave up womanizing and Jerry Rice retired. (Argus Hamilton)

It is being reported that Donald Trump’s Atlantic City casinos are losing money. Here is my question: how is it possible for a casino to lose money? You would have to hire blackjack dealers who couldn’t count to 21. “Let’s see, a five, a nine, an ace, oh forget it, just take it.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Cablevision shareholders have rejected the Dolan family’s move to take the company private. Investors realized that no matter how private the company becomes, there’s still no way to hide the Knicks from the general public. (Jake Novak)

5 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-27-07

  1. #Halloween approaches. The White House has a pumpkin carved to look like the head of President Bush. The inside is all hollow#
    Ha ha ..This one takes the Pumpkin..err..cake.

  2. this post is huge 🙂
    do u have a comedy news aggregator setup?

  3. I agree with Prax.

    Voracious Blog Reader

  4. Prax, VBR,
    Be warned! Humerus News posts ARE huge.
    And I don’t even know what a comedy news aggregator (phew!) looks like!

  5. Hilarious! All the week’s gutbusters on one page.

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