Man and woman differ in many ways, notably in the way they get ready for the day in the bathroom.
The typical man takes one minute to brush his teeth (if it is one of his brushing days), three to shave, and two to shower. Miscellaneous time before exit: one minute. Total time taken to exit towards work place: seven minutes.
The surface area of the woman’s body is less than a man’s, so logically she should take less time, is it not?
Because of the various women I have been in bathing terms with, I have gleaned some information on what a woman does in the bathroom for so long.
Here is a typical break up of that time, collated from various sources in a non-randomised, retrospective study that I have conducted over the last 15 years.
Warning: as these are the results of scientific studies, no attempts are made to disguise or soften the truth. Not for the squeamish. And not if you can ever be accused of having good taste. Here goes:
(woman enters bathroom)
Compulsively locking the door and re-checking it: 1 minute.
Screwing up face, and coming out, shouting at man for dirtying up bathroom, switching on fan, cleaning up wet basin, all the while muttering ‘mess’, ‘disgusting’, ‘dirty’, etc. : 5 minutes.
Re-locking bathroom door: 10 seconds.
Checking out what neighbors are quarelling about (through window): 3 minutes.
Closing the bathroom window so that Google’s satellites cannot image her in the bath: 1 minute.
Re-checking same: 30 seconds.
Taking off clothes: 2 minutes.
Standing in front of mirror: 1 minute.
Taking deep breath and assessing breast dimensions: 2 minutes.
Turning to right side and assessing belly protuberance (real or imagined): 2 minutes.
Examining right armpit: 30 seconds.
Turning to left side and doing same: 1 minute.
Examining left armpit: 1 minute.
Holding in tummy to appraise how close (or far) to Shipa Shetty’s contour her’s is: 2 minutes.
Brushing teeth: 30 seconds.
Dreaming while brushing: 4 minutes 30 seconds.
Going into shower area, pulling shower curtain, re-checking window is closed: 1 minute.
Putting on shower cap: 30 seconds.
Going to basin area again, in front of mirror, to check that all hairs are inside shower cap: 1 minute.
Giving small shriek of alarm while adjusting shower cap, looking at three loose and lost hairs: 15 seconds.
Checking all hairs for integrity, pulling one by one, and counting newly discovered fallen hairs: 3 minutes.
Switching on cell phone: 1 minute.
Answering the message saying ‘there have been 15 missed calls’: 15 seconds.
Checking all missed calls, and answering back two of the most important ones: 5 minutes.
Switching on shower, wetting torso: 5 minutes.
Applying body soap: 5 minutes.
Washing off soap: 5 minutes.
Towelling: 3 minutes.
Putting on bra and panties: 2 minutes.
Taking off shower cap: 10 seconds.
Re-quantifying lost hairs (five such): 10 seconds.
Applying cleanser, moisturiser, under-eye cream, age-retardant lotions, Vitamin C cream, peeling-off-dead-cells-lotion, sun block, collagen building cream (choose any or all), before and after face-wash: 5 minutes.
Brushing hair: 3 minutes.
Standing in front of mirror in bra and panties, and critically re-assessing body mass index: 2 minutes.
Putting on clothes: 3 minutes.
Applying lipstick: 2 minutes.
Get out of bathroom: 10 seconds.
Snapping at man passing by “How dirty you make the bathroom!”, while giving dirtier look for free: 15 seconds.
Disposing off the old clothes: 1 minute.
Taking important phone call: 5 minutes.
Putting on earrings/necklace/bracelet (choose as applicable): 5 minutes.
Checking that shoes match with clothes: 3 minutes.
(On shampooing days, multiply time by a factor of 2)
So, do you agree or disagree with this landmark study, one that promises to be a watershed in the history of the sexes?