WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-02-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Last night during the Democratic presidential debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “I wish.” (Conan O’Brien)

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in a little trouble this week, little trouble for saying marijuana is not a drug, it is a leaf, it is a plant. He said marijuana is not a drug and today his approval rating in California, 99.99%. (Jay Leno)

A lot of people are wondering now if Al Gore will run for president. Which would make it a Gore vs. Hillary Democratic primary. Kind of a global warming vs. global cooling. (Jay Leno

FEMA faked a press conference and earlier today, President Bush strongly condemned it – at his own fake press conference. (David Letterman)

“American Gangster” is in theaters on Friday. It’s a gritty, realistic look at the money and power of the illegal drug world. No politicians were harmed in the filming of this movie. (Alan Ray)
Senator Hillary Clinton celebrated her sixtieth birthday on Thursday with a fund-raising bash in New York hosted by Billy Crystal. Comedians all support Hillary. The idea of Bill Clinton being in the White House for eight years with nothing to do in the afternoon is the closest thing there is to the chemical formula for comedy. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush has accused Congress of wasting time with an endless stream of investigations. He’s right. When the criminals have the right to withhold evidence and to refuse to testify, investigations are just plain silly. (Gorsefeathers)

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has announced that New York will give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. So, for the first time ever, a lot of New York City cab drivers will actually have a license. (Jay Leno)

White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said yesterday that global warming has some public health benefits and that it helps poor people in areas of cold winters. Apparently, she forgot to mention that global warming also provides long and nice baths when during floods and helps you lose weight when it causes famine. (Pedro Bartes)

Dennis Kucinich said in Tuesday’s debate he’s seen UFOs, right after he said it was time to check on President Bush’s mental health. It could all be true. Every week they pick up their lithium at the same pharmacy and act like they don’t know each other. (Argus Hamilton)

LINKS TO THE WEB

Capital Steps: The Brain-Mouth Connection

FEMA

FEMA is being accused of holding a fake news conference about the California fires. The questions were all asked by FEMA employees. When confronted about getting softball questions that were written by the agency, it was explained that Fox News was unable to send a reporter. (Jim Barach)

We hear FEMA members are all getting dressed up as reporters this year. You know about this latest FEMA controversy, this is just unbelievable. In response to the fires out here in CA, FEMA had a phoney press conference and they had FEMA members posing as reporters asking them easy questions. They had no reporters there, just FEMA members. As opposed to a disaster where it’s all reporters and no FEMA members. (Jay Leno)

FEMA is handling another disaster — its own Public Relations department. This is unbelievable to me! FEMA has apologized for staging a fake news conference on the California wildfires. They had a fake news conference in which FEMA employees pretended to be reporters and asked softball questions to their idiot boss, a guy named Harvey Johnson. It was obvious the reporters were FEMA workers because the questions were about the 2003 fire. (Jay Leno)

FEMA apologized Friday for staging a fake press conference, where staffers posing as reporters lobbed softball questions to FEMA’s director. They had good reason for doing it. You can’t get on the Larry King Show just because you have a fire to put out. (Argus Hamilton)

STEPHEN COLBERT CANDIDACY

It’s a special night, nation. Tonight we find out whether my name will appear on the South Carolina Democrat primary ballot…. I’ve had my differences with the Democrats in the past. I’ve called them pansies, twits, losers, Dummocrats, Democrazies and Nazis. But hey, that’s all water under their Nazi-bridge if I make it all on the ballot. I can play ball. As they say, “when in Sodom, vote Pelosi.” (Stephen Colbert)

There were a few requirements I had to meet. Before they’d even consider me. ISouth Carolina Democrats require their candidates be generally acknowledged or recognized in news media throughout the United States as viable candidates. How’s this for generally acknowledged? [on screen: a newspaper headline]. “Stephen Colbert Moves Ahead Of Richardson, Closes In On Biden, In National Poll.” Plus, ABC News says my campaign is “no joke.” I ask you, is anybody saying that about Richardson and Biden? Not after that poll. (Stephen Colbert)

They’re not putting me on the ballot. They did what they think is best for South Carolina, and you know, just making it this far is reason to celebrate too. Jimmy, go ahead and drop the balloons. It’s all for the best. I’m so busy with my book tour and my show and hanging out with all those friends I have. Plus, I have time to eat all these free delicious Dorritos. (Stephen Colbert)

THE CANDIDATES

During a TV interview, Presidential candidate Mitt Romney compared Hillary to an intern for her lack of experience. Bill Clinton completely disagreed, not so much about the lack of experience Hillary has to become president, but Hillary is definitely not intern material. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton’s meltdown during the debate the other night continues to be the big story. Even Bill Clinton said, “It was Hillary’s worst performance since our honeymoon.”(Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton denied that she is taking both sides on every issue, saying Americans understand what she means when she calls for ending the Iraq war when it’s over, providing everyone with health care at everyone else’s expense, and allowing illegal aliens to have drivers licenses for southbound travel. (Scott Witt)

The Democratic candidates pledged Tuesday to keep Iran from getting a nuclear weapon. How can the United States prevent Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons if they really want to get them? We can’t even keep the kids away from Britney Spears. (Argus Hamilton)

“Political experts are criticizing Senator Hillary Clinton’s performance during the debate this week, calling it her worst performance of the year. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “That’s what you think.(Conan O’Brien)

Hillary Clinton says she will reverse the power grabbing of George W. Bush if she is elected President. She says she will even give up some of the power he has attained. She just wants to be able to wiretap Bill’s phone without a warrant to find out what he’s up to. (Jim Barach)

“Anybody see the Democratic debate? Tough night for candidate Bill Richardson. During the entire debate, the only question Tim Russert asked him was, “And you are?” (David Letterman)

According to the latest polls, Chris Dodd is at zero percent of the vote. Zero percent? Do you know what that means? Even he isn’t voting for himself. (Jay Leno)

There was another big Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia. There were seven candidates on the stage debating. Seven, which sadly for Joe Biden is the biggest crowd he’s ever drawn. (Jay Leno)

Senator Brownback has dropped out of the presidential race. He says he wants to spend more time with his family. Apparently, they’re not really sure who he is either. (Jay Leno)

During the last Democratic Presidential Debate, Bill Richardson was the only candidate that was quite flattering towards Hillary Clinton, which some suspect is a calculated move to be her vice president. Hillary said that last a time a Bill complimented her that much was during her Honeymoon. (Pedro Bartes)

At this week’s Democratic Debate in Philadelphia, Dennis Kucinich admitted that once while visiting Shirley MacLaine’s house, he saw a UFO. What an embarrassing admission. Dennis Kucinich went to Shirley MacLaine’s house? I’m surprised they don’t have UFO valet parking at Shirley MacLaine’s house. (Gorsefeathers)

Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says that he once had an encounter with a UFO. Apparently, several weird looking, little men got off the ship, saw Kucinich, and said, “It’s alright. He’s one of us.” (Conan O’Brien)

During the Democratic Presidential Debate Dennis Kucinich admitted he saw a UFO over actress Shirley MacLaine’s home. Apparently that was not the only time Kucinich saw an unidentified object; he claimed he once saw a person that was going to vote for him. (Pedro Bartes)

Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has a new platform — live long and prosper. Did you hear about this? Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debates the other night that he had seen a UFO up close. See, Dennis Kucinich doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO, he seems like the kind of guy you’d see coming out of a UFO.” –Jay Leno

You know anything about Dennis Kucinich? During the debate, he claimed he once saw a UFO. Yeah, a UFO. Not only that, he claims aliens introduced him to his hot wife. I’m thinking to myself, “Saw one? My God, it looks like he’s been riding one” (David Letterman)

Rudy Giuliani was reported Thursday to have been saved from assassination by the Mafia twenty years ago by a vote of the five crime bosses. Two voted to have him killed and three voted to let him live. That’s a sixty percent approval rating anyway you cut it. (Argus Hamilton)

“There was another presidential debate last night. The Democrats got together in Philadelphia. It may be time to start voting some of these guys off already. One candidate, who I think we can assume won’t get the nomination, is Congressman Dennis Kucinich. Kucinich yesterday told the Philadelphia Inquirer that we should seriously start asking questions about President Bush’s mental health. As if we haven’t been doing that here every night. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Barack Obama is trying his best to catch up to Hillary in the polls. Going into last night’s debate, he promised to go after her more directly than he has in the past. All the candidates, in fact, are ganging up on Hillary. They attacked her on her foreign policy, her trustworthiness, her leadership ability, her electability. I thought this was out of bounds. John Edwards called her “a nappy-headed ho.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

Hillary Clinton surged to a thirty-one point lead in the nationwide polls last week, two months before the primaries begin. Her camp is getting cocky. Bill Clinton dropped by the White House on Tuesday to measure the Oval Office for privacy curtains. Argentina’s first lady Cristina Kirchner was elected president of the country Sunday. The brunette is an absolute knockout. She campaigned in a peasant blouse during rainy season and to this day no one can remember what her opponent looks like. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani said Monday if Hillary Clinton’s health care plan had passed he would never have survived his prostate cancer. She might have saved his life. She saved Bill Clinton’s life a dozen times just by forgetting to unplug the lamp before she threw it. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani said yesterday that water boarding should or should not be consider torture depending on the circumstance. For example if you are water-boarding your wife because she is asking for a lot of money in the divorce settlement, it could be ok. (Pedro Bartes)

GOP presidential frontrunner Rudolph Giuliani stumbled badly at a town hall meeting in Iowa last night when an audience member baffled him with a trick question about 9/12. Tracy Klujian of Cedar Rapids, asked the GOP frontrunner, “Can you name one thing that happened on September 12?” Mr. Giuliani seemed taken aback by the question, clearing his throat and drinking from a glass of water as if to buy time before responding. “That’s a good question,” Mr. Giuliani said. “September 12 happened one day after September 11 — and we must never forget the lessons of September 11.” Mr. Giuliani’s aides later said that their candidate had expertly parried a difficult question, but also offered excuses for Mr. Giuliani’s apparent failure to refer to any other date besides September 11. “The man has a lot of dates to keep track of,” one aide told reporters. “For one thing, he’s had three different wedding anniversaries. (Andy Borowitz) ”

Mitt Romney has referred to Barack Obama as ‘Barack Osama’ Mitt’s Talent at pronouncing names stops pretty much at Joseph Smith. (Bob Mills)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Here’s a true story. A buddy of mine from Washington called me. Aides told President Bush that he should congratulate the Red Sox. Poor guy, he’s so confused that he went to the top drawer of his dresser. (David Letterman)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Dick Cheney was caught by news cameras sound asleep during a cabinet meeting about the California wildfires. White House officials tried to spin it, saying he was praying for the destruction of Iran. (Pedro Bartes)

Vice President Dick Cheney went out hunting again today. God, I didn’t even know it was lawyer season. No, actually Dick Cheney said he was in Upstate New York to hunt peasants. Uhh, pheasants. I’m sorry. (Jay Leno)

We thought this day would never come, but guess what, ladies and gentlemen, he’s at it again. Vice President Dick Cheney is pheasant hunting in Upstate New York today. The hunt went pretty well. Dick drove back to the hotel with a hunting buddy tied to his fender. (David Letterman)

Dick Cheney went hunting this week. As part of his entourage he has an ambulance. This is true, he has an ambulance with him wherever he goes. This is very clever. See what he does is, he uses the ambulance to flush lawyers out into the open and then…” (Jay Leno)

No more Cheney investigations. Apparently, Cheney has been brain dead for three years, but as long as his defibrillator battery holds out, there’s still enough life to be Vice-President. (Joe Hickman)

Dick Cheney was caught by television cameras sound asleep while he was sitting at Wednesday’s cabinet meeting at the White House. Nobody missed it. Iranian intelligence agents saw Dick Cheney asleep and moved the weapons of mass destruction back into Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)

The Federal Trade Commission warned this week that scammers are behind messages from the phony address of “frauddep(at)ftc.gov. The FTC said that you need to know that most government officials only use hotboy.xxx to contact citizens. (Pedro Bartes)

THE DEMOCRATS

Now that he’s won the Nobel Prize, Al Gore has a huge, international platform to fight global warming. Kind of sad, today he stepped onto that platform and it collapsed. (Jay Leno)

THE REPUBLICANS

Jerry Ford recorded his deepest beliefs for a book called Write It When I’m Gone, which was published Monday. He revealed, in remarks he wanted published posthumously, that he thought Bill Clinton was a sex addict. Some guys are always the last to get the word. (Argus Hamilton)

All these Republicans having gay sex. See, that’s why so many women are Democrats, ’cause Democrats will at least have sex with them. (Jay Leno)

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley on Wednesday accused President Bush of “throwing cold water” in his face by threatening to veto any increase in child health coverage that contains a tobacco tax increase. The President immediately denied torturing anybody with cold waterboarding. Democrats dismissed Grassley’s claim since he did not specify which face. (Joe Hickman)

Yet another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. I’m starting to think GOP stands for “Grab Our Penises.” It’s another anti-gay, anti-gay marriage Republican. Washington state Representative Richard Curtis admitted to police he left his wife at home dressed up in women’s clothing, which were red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. He had sex with a man in an adult boutique, then went to a hotel with the guy and had sex with him again still dressed in the women’s clothes. So not only is the guy a hypocrite, he’s also a little tramp too. After all this, the guy says he is not gay. Even Larry Craig is saying, “Shut up.” (Jay Leno)

Larry Craig claims in his appeal that men’s room ‘foot tapping’ among consenting adults is free speech. Called by prosecutors the ‘Fred Astaire Defense,’ it hasn’t worked yet, but I’m for anything that keeps the Craigster in the news as long as possible. (Bob Mills)

With the help of the American Civil Liberties Union, restroom enthusiast Idaho Senator Larry Craig will argue before an appeals court that his foot tapping was protected speech. He’s calling himself “Lord of the Toilet Dance.” I’m all for free speech, except in the men’s room. In the men’s room, I believe in no speech. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

The Democrats in Congress have announced they will now be taking Fridays off. Apparently, they were getting worried their approval rating was too high. (Jay Leno)

THE COURTS

The Senate Judiciary Committee is threatening to block Mukasey’s confirmation as attorney general unless he agrees to define water boarding as torture—which, he has insisted so far, only includes being strapped naked to Ann Coulter. (Bob Mills)

THE STATES

President Bush declared California a national disaster area. And I think I can speak for all Californians when I say to him, “Right back at ya.” (Bill Maher)

In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said cannabis is not a drug. Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, “Cannibals need a hug.” When he heard this, Snoop Dogg said, “If it’s not a drug then I’ve been wasting a lot of time.” (Conan O’Brien)

There was a scare yesterday in Sacramento California when neighbors spotted smoke coming out of a house. There was immediate relief when they found out it was just the governor’s house and Arnold was smoking some “leaves.” (Pedro Bartes)

Arnold Schwarzenegger told an interviewer Monday that marijuana wasn’t a drug but a leaf. He’s admitted to smoking a little pot in the Seventies, but that was all. It took him years to live down the label of lightweight from his fellow Baby Boomers. (Argus Hamilton)

The Monroe State Prison near Seattle has gone green with a $35.5 renovation project that will cut energy consumption by 30%. One small problem, though. The solar powered electric chair takes an hour to work even when guards douse the victim with water. (Bob Mills)

A GOP legislator in Washington State has resigned amid a gay sex scandal. He denies he’s a homosexual. He will hold a formal press conference today at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.(Alan Ray)

A high school football coach in Utah has been charged with animal cruelty for stomping on a pheasant that had been released on the field during halftime. He’ll be tried under the state’s new ‘Dick Cheney Law.’ (Bob Mills)

LOCAL NEWS

The Cat Show opened in Madison Square Garden. One thousand cats arrived, and when that happened, that thing on Donald Trump’s head arched its back and hissed. (David Letterman)

A councilman in New York wants to reduce the pigeon population at the Staten Island ferry terminals by putting them on birth control. Which is a cheaper and easier idea than the one other councilmen had: To give each male pigeon a vasectomy. (Pedro Bartes)

THE ARMED FORCES

A Navy commander is charged with videotaping Annapolis midshipmen having sex in his den. Police confiscated a rough cut of “Debbie Does the Admiral.” (Bob Mills)

A team of investigators is pouring over war contracts to find out if any of them were rigged awards. Apparently they have found a secret code word for military corruption. “Halliburton”. (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Las Vegas prosecutors cut a deal Monday with the third armed robbery defendant in the O. J. Simpson case. He’s not worried. There are three people who will say O. J. is guilty and that’s three hundred million less than said he was guilty last time. (Argus Hamilton)

Hundreds of California sex offenders who face tough new restrictions on where they can live are declaring themselves homeless. They will always have a place to stay: “myspace.” (Pedro Bartes)

SPACE & NASA

Tomorrow, astronauts will try to mend a torn solar wing that tore on the International Space Station. The latest damages cast another shadow on the multi-billion dollar price tag for the station, but at least NASA’s huge budget for astronaut sewing classes is finally justified. (Jake Novak)

IRAQ

The State Department is mum on reports that those trigger-happy Blackwater mercenaries were given immunity from prosecution for killing 17 Iraqi civilians. According to a White House insider, Bush was granting himself, Cheney, Rice and Rumsfeld immunity and thought “Oh, what the hell?” and penciled them in. (Bob Mills)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

China held a worldwide environmental conference Wednesday to come up with ways to clean up Beijing’s air for next year’s Olympic Summer Games. They’re worried that track and field performances will be affected by all the air pollution. Nothing is more embarrassing for the host country than when a javelin gets stuck in the smog. (Argus Hamilton)

The president of Indonesia has released his first music album. It’s called “My Longing For You.” He actually wrote the songs and performed them. And now, President Bush also putting out his album. It’s called “I Sing Gooder Than Him.”(Jay Leno)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Earlier today, Argentina’s first lady was elected as the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new “first spouse.’ Or, as President Bill Clinton calls him, “My future wingman.” (Conan O’Brien}

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Buckingham Palace confirmed Sunday that a Royal Family member was being blackmailed with video evidence of cocaine use and sex. Why’s everyone so shocked? It’s normal protocol for a member of the Royal Family to be a part of the NFL welcoming committee. (Argus Hamilton)

Queen Elizabeth welcomed Saudi King Abdullah to Buckingham Palace Tuesday and rode with him in a gilded horse-drawn carriage. The reception was a message to the king. With oil at ninety-four dollars a barrel you’ve got us all living like the Amish. (Argus Hamilton)

Prince Harry was questioned by Scotland Yard Tuesday about the shooting of two rare hen harrier birds. The cops were very careful with him. There are only twenty breeding pair in all of England and no one wanted the incident to turn the prince gay. (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

French President Nicolas Sarkozy stormed off CBS’ 60 Minutes Sunday when Leslie Stahl asked about his love life. Surely he didn’t expect questions about currency valuation on 60 Minutes. Most Americans think the Euro is Rudy Giuliani’s surgeon. (Argus Hamilton)

Yesterday on “60 Minutes,” French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of an interview. He just got up and stormed out. The citizens of France say their president acted rudely, and they’ve never been prouder. (Conan O’Brien)

The president of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, and his wife have gotten a divorce. Apparently, there were rumors of infidelity and lack of trust. To which Bill and Hillary said, “Well, that’s no reason to get divorced” (Jay Leno)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Vladimir Putin compared the U.S. missile defense system planned in Europe to the Cuban missile crisis. Talk about charisma. Even if it’s forty-five years later, baldheaded spies from the other side of the Berlin Wall see themselves as Jack Kennedy. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

It looks like oil may soon hit a $100 a barrel. And today, President Bush said, “Well how much without the barrel?” (Jay Leno)

HEALTH

Viagra now has a warning label it can cause hearing loss. So now Viagra can cause blindness and hearing loss. Do you know what this means? Tom Cruise may actually have sex with Katie Holmes. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE ENVIRONMENT

The San Diego fires must be serious. Today Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopted San Diego Charger Ladanian Tomlinson. (Alex Kaseberg)

San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium sheltered the brushfire evacuees Wednesday. Inside the stadium, people were offered yoga, acupuncture, massage therapy, cappuccino and catered meals from the Hyatt. Clothing was brought in by Salvation Army and Fitch. (Argus Hamilton)

The Weather Channel’s satellite photos Tuesday showed fires extending from Santa Barbara to San Diego. Conditions were ripe for wildfires. When those For Sale signs have been standing out on the front lawn longer than six months they’re like kindling. (Argus Hamilton)

San Diego bought emergency supplies of electricity from Mexico Monday as fires severed power lines. The country has bountiful natural resources. In addition to oil and silver and tequila, Mexico’s the number-one producer of American public schoolchildren. (Argus Hamilton)

Qualcomm Stadium was closed as a fire shelter Friday to get ready for Sunday’s San Diego Chargers game there. Time was of the essence. California’s rainy season starts on the first of November and they wanted to get the game in before the mudslide. (Argus Hamilton)

Los Angeles officials praised firefighters on Sunday for keeping the wildfires out of the city. Everyone is grateful. When you remember that silicone explodes at one hundred and fifty degrees it would’ve sounded like the fall of Saigon around here. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

What a time for Boston area sports. The Red Sox swept the World Series, the New England Patriots are undefeated, the Boston College Eagles are ranked #2 in the country and rumor has it that the Boston Celtics have already bribed enough NBA refs to make it to the playoffs. (Alex Kaseberg)

Anybody here for the marathon this Sunday in New York City, the annual marathon. What a tremendous event, like 40,000 runners. And you know they have to have about 400 portable toilets along the route of the marathon. You know what portable toilets are, as Larry Craig told us, they’re singles bars. (David Letterman)

NFL fans are excited about this Sunday’s match up of undefeated teams, the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts. To give you an idea how serious the players are, Patriot QB Tom Brady is cutting down to impregnating one super model this week. (Alex Kaseberg)

NBA Commissioner David Stern admitted Thursday that half the NBA referees have broken league rules banning casino gambling. So he changed the rules and legalized casino gambling by referees. Next week the referees plan to get caught robbing banks. (Argus Hamilton)

David Beckham and the LA Galaxies played their final game of the year yesterday. They got shut out by Chicago. The loss means the Galaxies will not be playing the post season. Out of 13 teams only five didn’t make the playoffs, and the Galaxy was one of them. That $50 million a year they’re paying Beckham really paid off. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Former Yankee Alex Rodriguez is now a free agent. Some teams say they are willing to spend as much as $150 million to get him. $150 million! That’s pretty amazing when you see the White House is only offering $50 million for Osama bin Laden. (Jay Leno)

The Los Angeles Dodgers are interested in Joe Torre as manager. He’s attracted to some of the perks of this particular job. For instance, Octobers off. (Alan Ray)

Alex Rodriguez was ripped Tuesday for breaking into World Series coverage with news he’s leaving the Yankees. It was a blatant display of hogging the spotlight to satisfy his ego. In other words, he passed his Los Angeles physical with flying colors. (Argus Hamilton)

Alex Rodriguez refused the New York Yankees’ offer of one hundred fifty million dollars Sunday. It gives you an idea of how much people hate New York. Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani are running for the presidency just to get out of the city. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Giants played the Miami Dolphins in London’s Wembley Stadium last Sunday. It was an education. The players’ agents wanted the players to see the big, safe bank buildings where their money goes when they deposit it in the Cayman Islands. (Argus Hamilton)

The Boston Red Sox held a World Series victory parade in Boston Tuesday. Their fans went wild. So much money is being spent on beer in Boston that Dick Cheney is seriously considering ditching the oil industry and getting in bed with Sam Adams. (Argus Hamilton)

Net diva Martina Hingis tearfully retires after denying that she used cocaine while competing at Wimboldon. The evidence, however, suggests otherwise. Why, Martina, were you able to deliver a letter-perfect impression of Whitney Houston at the post-tournament party? (Bob Mills)

Martina Hingis has been accused of testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon. Hingis denies she used cocaine and then abruptly retired from tennis. I’m not so sure Hingis is innocent of using cocaine. Today she announced she is going to be Lindsay Lohan’s private tennis coach. (Alex Kaseberg)

ENTERTAINMENT

TV and screen writers have voted to strike—late night talk shows are predicted to suffer first. A new feature on Letterman is the Top Ten Ad Lib List. (Bob Mills)

CELEBRITIES

Britney Spears was seen at a club giving a provocative and seductive lap dance to Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Apparently, Britney quit suddenly and left upset when she found out he wasn’t the restaurant guy. (Pedro Bartes)

Britney Spears’ new album is on the shelves. To help sell the CD, she’s focusing on three types of exposure. Tabloids, radio, and indecent. (Alan Ray)

Britney Spears’ mother is writing a book on parenting. Hopefully there will be a chapter about how to get your children to put on some underwear. (Jim Barach)

TMZ reported that Paris Hilton walked into a Toronto porno shop dressed as a skeleton, and demanded that they take down posters advertising her sex tape, “One Night in Paris.” Paris Hilton denied she was wearing a skeleton costume. She says she was dressed as a Nicole Ritchie. (Pedro Bartes)

Drew Carey got engaged over the weekend! It’s true! There’ll be a moment of silence at strip clubs all across America. (Craig Ferguson)

During an interview Heather Mills said she has some tapes of Paul McCartney recorded during “therapy” session that can ruin his reputation. A tape that can ruin Paul’s reputation? I’m afraid it’s already out and you can get it at Starbucks. (Pedro Bartes)

Shock jock Don Imus is returning to radio, having been hired by NYC’s ABC station after Al Sharpton gave his permission. Imus thanked Sharpton, calling him a happy-headed bro. (Scott Witt)

A federal grand jury in Las Vegas will soon hand down an indictment charging David Copperfield with sexual harassment. It’s slow going, though. Jury members keep disappearing—and reappearing as bunnies. (Bob Mills)

Forbes Magazine just released their list of the top earning dead celebrities. Elvis is number one. Number two dead celebrity, John Lennon. Number three, surprisingly, Larry King. (Jay Leno)

RELIGION

The chancellor of the Catholic Diocese of Albany told the faithful who are selling their homes that burying a statue in the backyard speeds up the process. Even better is planting a sign on the front lawn with the silhouette of a pedophile priest inside a circle with a line running through it. (Bob Mills)

CULTURE

This is what’s great about America: in Pennsylvania, two guys, delivery guys, one for Coke, one for Pepsi. The Coke delivery guy was beaten up by the Pepsi delivery guy. Fortunately, he was treated at the scene by Dr. Pepper. (David Letterman)

HOLIDAYS

In a new survey by the Associated Press and Ipsos, 37% of Americans say that if they were dressing up as one of the 2008 presidential candidates for Halloween they would choose Hillary. It is a very easy outfit, just a pair of pants and a broom. (Pedro Bartes)

14% of Americans say that if they were dressing up as one of the 2008 presidential candidates for Halloween they would choose Giuliani. Apparently to look like Giuliani you just need a Bush mask with less hair. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton led a poll Monday of which presidential candidate would make the scariest Halloween costume, and Rudy Giuliani finished a distant second. Rudy tries to scare the voters every day about terrorist threats, yet Hillary is still considered scarier. That’s how much the American people are afraid of tax increases. (Argus Hamilton)

The cheapest Halloween costume this year is to poke a hole in any old mask you have and call it “Cheney’s Hunting Buddy.” (Pedro Bartes)

One of the most popular costumes this Halloween is to dress up as reporters, at least at the FEMA Halloween party. (Pedro Bartes)

Conservative groups are complaining about the new costumes designed for little girls this Halloween alleging they are too provocative. When girls were asked about it, they said they needed to bring up the game, because they now have to compete with their teachers. (Pedro Bartes)

I’m stunned at how much parents out here spend on costumes for their kids. You know, you don’t need to spend a lot money. If you use your imagination, you can make a costume very inexpensively. Like this year, I’m just going to drop my pants and go as Idaho Senator Larry Craig. (Jay Leno)

Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader and at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

At the White House Staff Halloween Party yesterday, nearly everyone came as “Dick” Cheney in hunting gear, and the favorite game by far was Bobbing For Reporters. Sen Joe Lieberman [D-GOP] showed up at the White House Halloween Party dressed up as a card-carrying Republican, with two wet suits and a dildo, a toe-tapping wide stance, and full immunity. Former U. S. Rep. Mark Foley [R-FL] showed up dressed as Michael Jackson, and wanted to know when they were going to start passing out candy to the kiddies. (Paul Benoit)

Dick Cheney’s annual Halloween party was a big bust this year. Apparently, nobody won the ‘waterboarding for apples’ contest. (Patrick Gorse)

BUSINESS

A new product combines a treadmill with a work station. This is a great idea, especially if your job description is “hamster”. (Jim Barach)

POLLS & STUDIES

A new survey from the American Psychological Association shows that one out of three adults feels extreme stress, especially after taking a survey from the American Psychological Association. (Argus Hamilton)

In a survey: 48% said they are more stressed than they were five years ago. The other 52% didn’t answer the stress survey. It’s hard to answer a survey when you’re curled up on the floor — in the fetal position — sobbing — with your thumb in your mouth. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

According to a University of Chicago poll, only 24% of Americans have faith in organized religion. Two percentage points below organized baseball and ten below organized crime. (Bob Mills)

OTHER

O’Hare, LAX, JFK and Boston Logan are among airports now offering passengers flu shots during layovers. Great news. Can food poisoning shots be far behind? (Bob Mills)

3 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-02-07

  1. you might find some interesting info in these 2 links at my blog.
    http://www.enagar.com/category/investing/
    http://enagar.com/stock-chat/
    and if it raises some more questions/doubts… then feel free to ask me

  2. I think the above comment is spam.

    No, no, Marc!
    Ankur is no spammer! He responded here to a comment of mine in Prax’s blog on these issues.

  3. Hi,

    It’s been quite a while since I stopped in to say hi.

    I would like to extend a personal invitation for you to participate in a “Traveling Directory.” It will offer you a way to:
    * Share your blog
    * Explain why you blog
    * Find new blogs to read
    * Promote your blog
    * Obtain instant links
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    Follow this link; it will be self explanatory.
    http://mondaymorningpower.blogspot.com/2007/11/spread-word-round-two.html

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