WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-10-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

You can tell the TV writers are on strike, the catch phrase for “Heroes” is “Shave the Cheerleader, shave the world.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Congress debated a bill on Wednesday to ban discrimination against homosexuals in the workplace. Once again Congress selfishly protecting their own asses! (Pedro Bartes)

Hey, don’t forget to turn your clocks back an hour this weekend. You get an extra hour of sleep. It’s kind of like watching a Fred Thompson speech. (Jay Leno)

Doctors in India are operating to remove four limbs from a girl born with eight limbs, four arms and four legs. It won’t be cheap, this operation will cost an arm and a leg. (Alex Kaseberg)

Did you see this Democratic debate this week? Wow! The six men all piled onto Hillary Clinton. It was like a porn movie. They were claiming she’s not a real Democrat because she might actually win something. (Bill Maher)

One day after endorsing former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani for president, televangelist Pat Robertson explained his decision, saying that a Giuliani presidency features prominently in the Book of Revelations. In his statement today, the televangelist made it clear that “in order for the Second Coming to occur, the world needs to end, and Rudy Giuliani is just the man for that job.” (Andy Borowitz)

The debate on weather water-boarding is considered torture continues. Some advocates of water-boarding are trying to find a way to lessen the impact of the word water-boarding so from now onwards they are going to start calling it: Intensive Baptism. (Pedro Bartes)

Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires last week, has lost his promotion because of the event. Which begs the question, “What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?” (Amy Poehler)

Britney Spears’s mother, Lynne, has written a book on parenting. And I can’t wait to read it just as soon as I am done with my Paris Hilton book on playing hard to get. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE SCREENWRITERS STRIKE

Film and TV writers are set to strike this week. Apparently the negotiations center around the bargaining agent who is tied up and needs to break free to get to the offer which is in a canister that will explode unless the combination can be solved from an ancient riddle. (Jim Barach)

The Republican Party released a statement yesterday about the Hollywood writers’ strike. The GOP said that if any of the party members decides to go foot-tapping, to hire a male masseuse or wear diapers, this is the right time to do it because nobody on TV will write jokes about it. (Pedro Bartes)

Faced with a Writers Guild strike, Paramount Pictures said it would produce the second “Transformers” film without a script, “just like the first one.” (Andy Borowitz)

THE CANDIDATES

Stephen Colbert has lost his bid to be on the ballot in South Carolina because state Democrats say you have to be a viable candidate to be included in the primary. No word on when they plan on breaking the news to Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd and Mike Gravel. (Janice Hough)

There was another Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia. Boy, the other candidates really went after Hillary Clinton. The only Democrat who didn’t jump on Hillary was her husband Bill. (Jay Leno)

All the other Democratic candidates are continuing to attack Hillary Clinton. In fact, in the debate the other night, they accused Hillary Clinton of having things both ways. Which is ironic, ’cause Bill’s been trying to talk her into that for years. (Jay Leno)

Democratic Presidential candidates are criticizing Hillary Clinton for not allowing her White House communications with Bill Clinton to be made public. Hillary says anyone knows that while Bill Clinton was in the White House they had no communication. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she supports governors who are dealing with the problem of driver’s licenses for illegal aliens but not necessarily what they do about it. No wonder the illegal alien vote is for her. Hillary’s the patron saint of trimming and hedging. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton was ripped by Democratic candidates Tuesday for supporting the idea of giving illegal aliens driver’s licenses. Do they know how easy it is to get one? If you think Mexicans are good at construction work you should see them laminate. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton’s meltdown during the debates the other night continues to be the big story. Even Bill Clinton said it was Hillary’s worst performance since their honeymoon. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton fainted during a speech. She’s fine but what I don’t understand is why Bill Clinton was giving mouth-to-mouth to her assistant. (Craig Ferguson)

Dennis Kucinich says he once saw a UFO. I’m thinking to myself, “Saw one? My God, it looks like he’s been riding one.” (David Letterman)

Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debate the other night that he had seen a UFO close up. Dennis Kucinich doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO. He seems like the kind of guy you’d see coming out of a UFO. (Jay Leno)

Dennis Kucinich stole the show at the Democratic presidential debate Tuesday when he revealed he saw a UFO twenty years ago in the Pacific Northwest. However, he’s not an idiot. He said he does not favor giving driver’s licenses to space aliens. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani again told a crowd Friday how tough he is on terrorism. It never ends. If only the World Trade Center attacks had occurred on the eleventh of July instead of September, 7-Eleven would get a free plug every time Rudy opened his mouth. (Argus Hamilton)

Fire & brimstoner Pat Robertson has officially endorsed Rudy Giuliani. And warns that God will “call him home” if Rudy doesn’t win. (Bob Mills)

Televangelist Pat Robertson is endorsing Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani. To show some support for Giuliani, the founder of the Christian Coalition is going to change the name of his show to 911 Club and also he now claims to be able to leg press 911 pounds. (Pedro Bartes)

The Pew Research Center poll on Wednesday said Hillary Clinton would beat Rudy Giuliani in a landslide nationwide. The wording of the question may have influenced the outcome. The pollsters asked, who do you think looks better in a dress? (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani on Monday defended the record of his police commissioner Bernard Kerik, who kept love nests for mistresses near Ground Zero. Every American has been called on to sacrifice. We are a nation at war with monogamy. (Argus Hamilton)

Bernard Kerik, New York Police Commissioner under Rudy Giuliani and disgraced nominee for Homeland Security chief, has been indicted on charges of corruption and tax evasion. Well, there goes Rudy’s mob support. (Bob Mills)

During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, “There’s only three things he mentions in a sentence — a noun, a verb, and 9/11.” Giuliani later responded, saying, “Joe Biden sucks 9/11.” (Seth Meyers)

Fred Thompson’s campaign chairman stepped down Monday when old pot and cocaine and bookmaking charges surfaced. You know the story. It starts out with one drink and the next thing you know, you’re telling Fred Thompson he’d make a great president. (Argus Hamilton)

Fred Thompson’s campaign co-chairman Phil Martin resigned after being exposed as a convicted marijuana and cocaine dealer as well as a bookmaker. Fred has always valued staffers who can multi-task. (Bob Mills)

John McCain says his opponents aren’t qualified to be president because they haven’t served in the military. His opponents point out the White House has been occupied by draft evaders since 1992. (Jim Barach)

Presidential candidate Ron Paul is a congressman and doctor, a practicing gynecologist. This would come in handy if he becomes President the next time we invade a country; “OK, just relax, you’re going to feel some pressure and . . . I’m in. So, do you have big plans for Thanksgiving?”
(Amy Poehler) (Alex Kaseberg)

Presidential candidate Ron Paul is a congressman and doctor, a practicing gynecologist. I don’t know about electing a gynecologist, what with the price of oil, the threat of terrorism and the Iraq war, I think what we need is a proctologist. (Alex Kaseberg)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush surpassed Richard Nixon in the Gallup Poll Tuesday as the most strongly disapproved president of all time. The Nixon Library said it didn’t mind that the record was broken. They even played a video of Hank Aaron saying it was okay. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush suffered the first veto override of his seven-year-old presidency Thursday as the Senate enacted a $23 billion water resources bill. The president was understandably disturbed. He needed that money so Halliburton can continue doing whatever Halliburton does in Iraq. Shhhhhh, it’s a secret. Everybody knows secret stuff costs more. (Joe Hickman)

I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington, D.C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money. Thank you, George W. Bush Monument Committee P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far. (Author Unknown)

In what he described as “an emergency mission to help a key ally in the war on terror,” President George W. Bush flew to Islamabad today to give General Pervez Musharraf tips on how to eliminate democracy. Mr. Bush said he scheduled the trip just hours after General Musharraf declared a state of emergency in Pakistan and suspended elections “because when it comes to eliminating democracy, I thought my friend Pervez could benefit from my experience.” Speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One, Mr. Bush said that while he commended General Musharraf’s impulse to eliminate democratic institutions, he felt that the military strongman was going about it the wrong way: “When you’re getting rid of democracy, the last thing you want to do is tell people you’re doing it.” Mr. Bush said that eliminating such things as privacy, freedom of speech and the constitution had to be done “very quietly and stealthy-like.” (Andy Borowitz)

THE ADMINISTRATION

On State Department personnel being forced to serve in Iraq: “People at the State Department are revolting about this because they say it’s dangerous over there. President Bush is furious. He said, “If you didn’t want to go to a war zone, you shouldn’t have joined the State Department. You should have joined the Texas Air National Guard.” (Bill Maher)

State Department foreign service officers erupted in revolt Wednesday when they heard they may be ordered to serve in Iraq or lose their jobs. These diplomats do not belong there. If we want to win the war in Iraq we should send the Postal Workers. (Argus Hamilton)

Karen Hughes, a former adviser to President Bush, is leaving the State Department after working the last two years trying to improve the rest of the world’s opinion of America. Congratulations on a job well done. Time to bring out that ‘Mission Accomplished’ sign again. (Jay Leno)

THE REPUBLICANS

The Senate will approve Michael Mukasey as attorney general. Key Democrats are willing to overlook his past statements on torture as waterboarding under the bridge. (Alan Ray)

There was yet another closeted gay Republican in the news. A state representative from the state of Washington got caught paying for sex at an adult book store while he was on a legislative retreat. Is that what they’re calling it now? He was dressed as a woman in red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. Or, as Rudy Giuliani calls it, Casual Friday. (Bill Maher)

THE CONGRESS

A U.S. Senate panel cleared Michael B. Mukasey’s nomination to be President George W. Bush’s third attorney general. As an act of celebration, prisoners in Guantanamo will be champagne-boarded for the rest of the week. (Pedro Bartes)

THE COURTS

A judge who ordered a custody dispute by flipping a coin was removed from the bench by the Virginia Supreme Court on Friday. The Virginia Supreme Court took the decision after they assigned tail for let him stay and head for removing the judge. (Pedro Bartes)

A Virginia judge was removed from the bench after deciding a case with a coin toss. Apparently he used the legal precedence of the Supreme Court in the 2000 Florida election. (Jim Barach)

THE STATES

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger startled listeners last week when he ad-libbed that marijuana is not a drug, it’s a leaf. It caused widespread dismay. The writers weren’t even on strike yet and already the actors didn’t know what to say. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

Malibu brushfires finally subsided Thursday after burning up the hills for ten days. Actors, record company owners and agents returned to their homes as soon as the road opened. Scam artists are always the first to show up after a natural disaster. (Argus Hamilton)

SPACE & NASA

Astronauts spent Saturday morning repairing a solar panel on the International Space Station, then spent the rest of the day drinking and stalking ex-lovers. (Andy Borowitz)

A judge has agreed to toss much of the evidence against stalker astronaut Lisa Nowak. It wasn’t based on a legal ruling. It’s just that all those used diapers were really beginning to smell. (Jim Barach)

NASA celebrated Sunday when an astronaut heroically risked his life on a space walk to repair the space station solar panels. Now he’s got real problems. Already two female astronauts are driving from Texas to Florida in diapers to congratulate him. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ

The Iraq defector known as “Curveball” has been identified as a fraud who helped lead the U.S. into the war in Iraq by fooling the intelligence agencies. That means he could either be tried as a war criminal, or given the Presidential Medal of Freedom. (Jim Barach)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

China won’t allow athletes to bring bibles with them to the Olympics. It seems athletes will have to find another place to hide their steroids. (Pedro Bartes)

THE MIDDLE EAST

Bush offers to share American intelligence with Turkey to help them track the PKK rebels “using modern technology.” Pardon me, but isn’t that a little like Giuliani offering to share his marriage tips? (Bob Mills)

Pakistani president Pervez “Walker” Musharraf has suspended the constitution and locked up the lawyers, the Supreme Court and members of the media. The only one in Pakistan still enjoying his freedom is Osama bin Laden. (Mark Russell)

U.S. President George W. Bush said on Wednesday he called Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf and urged him to hold elections. Apparently, President Bush offered Musharraf our hanging chads and Supreme Court in case he runs into any kind of trouble. (Pedro Bartes)

Things are kind of tense in Pakistan these days. What’s the most popular TV show in Islamabad right now? Martial Law and Order. (Alan Ray)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

France’s president Sarkozy met with President Bush. He’s sometimes rude, arrogant, uses broken English, and not well liked in America. And that French guy ain’t so hot, either. (Alan Ray)

THE ECONOMY

Wall Street suffered a three hundred and seventy point tumble in the Dow Jones industrial average Wednesday. It was a bloodbath. When the chairman of Merrill Lynch left the office early saying it was bridge night, no one knew if he meant cards or jumping. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. dollar is at an all-time low against the British pound, the Canadian dollar, and the Japanese yen. It’s also not doing too great against gasoline, groceries, and utilities. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

A new study released by the Census Bureau found that one in four victims of homelessness are military veterans. “The Few… The Proud… The Swept Under the Rug.” (Bob Mills)

According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by the year 2052. 2052 – Social Security broke. Once again, I don’t think President Bush understands this issue. He said, “2052, that’s okay. By then all our old people will already be dead anyway.” (Jay Leno)

New York’s Mercantile Exchange reported Tuesday that oil prices hit a new high of ninety-seven dollars a barrel. It’s really affecting people. A surfer lost an arm and a leg near Malibu beach Tuesday, and that was just filling up at the Arco station. (Argus Hamilton)

HEALTH

Millions of toys called “Aquadots” were recalled because they have the same effect as the date rape drug when ingested. Safety officials became suspicious of the toys when a huge order of them was delivered to Neverland Ranch. (Pedro Bartes)

Aqua Dots were recalled from toy stores across America Wednesday. If swallowed, a chemical in the dots turns into a date-rape drug. Hopefully it will get parents to tell their children to stop playing and get back onto the Internet where it’s safe. (Argus Hamilton)

One out of three Americans doesn’t understand their health insurance benefits. What’s to understand? You turn in a claim, and the insurance company denies payment. (Jim Barach)

Nearly two million low income Medicare participants could be switched to a new insurance plan this year. It’s a “no fault” plan. If you have no insurance, it’s your own fault for not being wealthy. (Jim Barach)

National Safety Council figures show that 81% of all motorcycle collisions result in death or injury of the cyclist. Instructors at the Harley Institute of Safe Biking in Duluth routinely instruct neophytes that the only air bag they can rely on is a fat girlfriend. (Bob Mills)

THE ENVIRONMENT

The Atlanta Airport wants to change to short flushes in its restrooms because of the drought. To which Senator Larry Craig asked, “Why would you need to flush in an airport restroom?” (Jim Barach)

SPORTS

Joe Torre, formerly of the New York Yankees, signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Well, look at this way “who wouldn’t take earthquakes and wild fires over George Steinbrenner?” (David Letterman)

The Los Angeles Dodgers hired Joe Torre as manager Thursday after the team got a waiver to bypass the rule requiring clubs to interview at least one minority for the job. The waiver really wasn’t necessary. White males are a minority in Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

The Los Angeles Dodgers introduced Joe Torre to reporters as the team’s manager at Dodger Stadium on Monday. A tremendous crowd turned up to witness the press conference. There are fifty thousand wildfire evacuees living on the loge level alone. (Argus Hamilton)

The Indianapolis Colts may have piped in fake crowd noise through the RCA Dome speakers in Sunday’s game against New England. Tom Brady said he didn’t notice. To get Tom Brady’s attention they’d have to play a tape of a supermodel vomiting in the bathroom. (Argus Hamilton)

The Minnesota Vikings’ Adrian Peterson set an NFL record 296 yards rushing while scoring three touchdowns to defeat the San Diego Chargers 35-17. In one Fantasy Football league, Peterson scored 57 points. Entire teams can not score 57 points with six players. It is the most amazing thing any Fantasy Football player has seen since one reportedly saw a woman naked. (Alex Kaseberg)

As part of their “Go Green” energy conservation campaign, NBC cut the studio lights during halftime on Sunday Night Football. To show his support, John Madden even turned off the French fryer he keeps beside him in the booth. (Bob Mills)

The New York Giants host the Dallas Cowboys Sunday in a battle of the National Football Conference’s two finest teams. Gamblers in Las Vegas are very nervous. With the writers on strike they don’t have any idea how the game is going to turn out. (Argus Hamilton)

John Daly just wrote a new book called Golf My Own Damned Way. He drinks and smokes and gambles and loses a wife a year. If John Daly had just spent a little more money on his video he would have won best new artist at the Country Music Awards. (Argus Hamilton)

Last night the New Jersey Devils played their first home game in the new $380 million stadium. Newark residents say the new arena is classy place to get shot outside of. (Conan O’Brien)

ENTERTAINMENT

American Gangster was a box-office hit Sunday. It’s the true story of a Harlem drug dealer. No one wants to say Americans want to learn how to get rich selling drugs now that real estate has crashed, but the movie was produced by the Learning Annex. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Britney Spears’ new album is getting great reviews despite being recorded in her car, at a Taco Bell drive through. It’s called “Blackout” and it’s expected to debut at No. 1 on the Billboard charts. They’re expecting it to go gold, then go platinum, then go bald.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

Rosie O’Donnell is in negotiations to host an afternoon talk show on MSNBC. Actually, more of a game show format. It’ll be called “Are You Smarter Than Elizabeth Hasselhoff?” (Bob Mills)

Thomas Dawes, the jingle writer who came up with Alka-Seltzer’s “Plop-Plop, Fizz, Fizz” commercial, has passed away in New York. Following a brief memorial service in the lobby of Bristol-Meyers’ corporate headquarters in Indianapolis, he was laid to rest in a grave next to that guy who couldn’t believe he ate the whole thing. (Bob Mills)

Former Beatle Paul McCartney confirmed that he is dating a Metropolitan Transportation Authority board member, explaining, “Since my divorce from Heather, I’ve had to start taking the subway.” (Andy Borowitz)

Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills McCartney remained fifty million dollars apart in their divorce talks Wednesday. When he wrote When I’m Sixty-Four, he never thought that what he would be doing at age sixty-four would be negotiating alimony with a wife who turned out to be a call girl and a nude model. Life comes at you fast. (Argus Hamilton)

TV stars, like Eva Langoria, are delivering food to the picketing TV writers; after the strike, it will be easy to spot the actors who didn’t support the striking writers; “What is my motivation in this scene where I get sexually molested by an incontinent chimp?” (Alex Kaseberg)

Lance Armstrong is dating Olsen twin Ashley Olsen; you know the main difference between riding a bicycle and dating an Olsen twin? At least the bike has a padded seat. (Alex Kaseberg)

Dog the Bounty Hunter lost his television show Wednesday after he was secretly tape-recorded using racist language. His son taped him and sold it to the National Enquirer. It’s heartwarming to see a kid turn somebody in for money just like his dad. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

A conference of Catholic bishops is meeting in Baltimore to decide whether to order the faithful to reject politicians whose views are at odds with the Vatican’s on abortion, euthanasia and gay marriage. Apparently, the candidates get a freebie on pedophilia. (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

A survey says that 62% of Americans believe that schools should give birth control to prevent teen pregnancies. Either that or put a fence around teachers’ desks. (Jim Barach)

One in ten U.S. high schools are considered “dropout factories” where less than 60% of a freshman class makes it to senior class. The Bush Administration doesn’t care, because at that point they are considered adults, so they don’t count as Children who are Left Behind. (Jim Barach)

CULTURE

Anybody notice that for daylight saving, the change is later this year? It was supposed to be last week. According to the New York Times, Congress made this decision in part from pressure from the candy lobby, who wanted an extra hour for trick or treating. Isn’t that unbelievable? I mean, the research lobby can’t get stem cell research through. The consumer lobby, we can’t get lead out of toys. But by God, when it comes to an extra hour of eating sugar, the candy lobby has the power. (Jay Leno)

Lost drivers soon will be able to Google for help at the pump. The online search leader will dispense driving directions at thousands of gasoline pumps across the United States beginning early next month. Be serious! We macho guys never asked for directions in our lives. You think we’re going to ask a gas pump? Maybe directions to find cheaper gas. (Joe Hickman)

HISTORY

Egypt unveiled King Tut’s body for the first time on Sunday at his tomb on the Nile. The boy pharaoh still commands awe and respect after three thousand years. The State Department just asked if he could be propped up and placed in charge of Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)

HOLIDAYS

It’s Halloween, so this morning on the “Today” show, Matt Lauer dressed up as Hermann Munster and Al Roker dressed up as a scary vampire. Not only that, Larry King went on his show without makeup. (Conan O’Brien)

BUSINESS

This week Wal-Mart started selling a $199 computer. What they don’t tell you is the computer is actually an Etch-a-Sketch taped to a toaster oven. (Conan O’Brien)

POLLS & STUDIES

For the first time in the history of the Gallup Poll, 50% of Americans say they “strongly disapprove” of their president, displacing the 48% Nixon got during his impeachment hearings. But on a brighter note for George and Laura, 72% said they think the twins are less obnoxious than the Nixon girls, Trish and Julie. (Bob Mills)

OTHER

The passengers and crew of the cruise ship, “The Spirit of Nantucket,” had to be evacuated by the Coast Guard off the Virginia coast on Thursday because it was taking on water.

There was a boat: the Spirit of Nantucket.
The water was so shallow it got stuck in it.
The captain he grinned
And said with chagrin,
“As a boat captain, I really quite suck it.”
(Alex Kaseberg)

The tide rose upon the Nantucket,
‘Cause the crew couldn’t bail it by bucket.
They struggled all night,
But gave in at first light,
And brought in a big sump pump to suck it.
(Gorsefeathers)

4 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-10-07

  1. Thanks for the weekly round-up, Rambodoc! I look forward to these.

  2. Enjoyed every bit of this ‘Weakly Humerus’ News..humor wasn’t weak at all!
    I shall return for more in due course. 🙂

    Celine,
    Every Saturday!

  3. //Britney Spears’s mother, Lynne, has written a book on parenting. And I can’t wait to read it just as soon as I am done with my Paris Hilton book on playing hard to get. (Alex Kaseberg)// my favourite.

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