WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-17-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The writers strike continues in Hollywood. Details are available, but
obviously, not written down. (Tim Hunter)

O. J. Simpson will stand trial for his Las Vegas hotel room break-in.
But the trial date is being delayed to accommodate the striking late-
night comedy writers. (Jake Novak)

Thanksgiving is next week. Historians say the early Pilgrims
celebrated the freedom to worship in their own way. And if anyone
disagreed with them, they were burned as witches. (Alan Ray)

“People” magazine has named Matt Damon as the sexiest man alive for
2007; and Larry King was named sexiest man nearly alive. (Alex Kaseberg)

A new poll shows that 50% of Americans oppose issuing a driver’s
license to illegal aliens, while 100% oppose issuing one to Britney
Spears. (Andy Borowitz)

Have you heard the Pakistani Miranda Oath? “You have the right to
beat up an attorney. If you don’t have time to beat up an attorney,
one will be beaten up for you.” (Patrick Gorse)

A peanut factory worker in Virginia was found dead under a pile of
peanuts. Apparently he died of shell shock. (Jim Barach)

“Wicked,” “Mamma Mia,” and “Rent” are among the hit Broadway shows
darkened by the Stagehands strike. Between the Stagehands Union and
the Writers Guild, there hasn’t been this many picketers on the Great
White Way since Giuliani threatened to impose a “hookers tax.” (Bob
Mills)

In the next debate, Democrats are going to focus on Hillary Clinton’s
support and then back- peddling on New York’s proposal to give
driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. Even John Kerry said; “A
candidate can’t support an issue and then reverse their position. Oh
wait, yes they can. No, I was wrong, they can’t. Or can they?” (Alex
Kaseberg)

WRITERS GUILD STRIKE

The writers’ strike continues. What do you call an actor who appears
lost without a prepared script? Senator Fred Thompson. (Alan Ray)

The Republican Party released a statement yesterday about the
Hollywood writers’ strike. The GOP said that if any of the party
members decides to go foot-tapping, to hire a male masseuse or wear
diapers, this is the right time to do it because nobody on TV will
write jokes about it.” (Pedro Bartes)

The Writers Guild continued picketing Hollywood movie studios for a
new contract this week. The studios’ first concern is to maintain
good relations with the most creative minds in Hollywood. They’d
never do anything to offend the accountants. (Argus Hamilton)

They are calling this the toughest time for comedy writing since
those three weeks back in the ’90s when Bill Clinton stopped dating.
(Jay Leno)

Wow, if Hollywood writers weren’t on strike, by midnight all five
networks would have a “Monkey Embryos Run Amuck” film in the works.
Now, that is scary. Mucky monkey embryos mutating uncontrollably
throughout the free world! Not to mention Michael Jackson’s
Neverland… Finally, a role for Richard Simmons. (Joe Hickman)

NBC informed the nonwriting staff of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
that it will be laid off at the end of next week. Apparently, the
first one to go will be the canned laughter. (Pedro Bartes)

The Writers Guild of America East was really mad at Ellen DeGeneres
for crossing the picket line and returning to work. Ellen should
double check there are no banana peels or marbles scattered on the
floor next time she does her dance at the beginning of her show.
(Pedro Bartes)

THE CANDIDATES

Dennis Kusinich’s wife admitted to an interviewer that she has a
tongue ring. Which was installed over the vehement objections of
Dennis’ urologist. (Bob Mills)

Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) raised eyebrows in Iowa today when she
refused to respond to a supermarket cashier’s question about her
preference for paper or plastic bags, calling the inquiry “totally
hypothetical.” (Andy Borowitz)

Hillary Clinton’s campaign apologized for staging a question from a
student during an appearance last week. A Clinton spokesman said that
while it wasn’t standard policy, it does prove she can run FEMA.
(Patrick Gorse)

Hillary Clinton’s campaign denied that she and her staffers failed to
tip a waitress at a restaurant in Iowa last month. The waitress said
that it didn’t qualify as a tip when Hillary told her to ?always go
with pants suits.” (Alex Kaseberg)

The Democratic presidential debate was held in Vegas Friday night.
Never before was the Vegas slogan “what happens in Vegas, stays in
Vegas” more appropriate than for this debate, because nobody saw it
outside that room. (Pedro Bartes)

A woman asked Presidential candidate John McCain at a public forum in
Hilton Head Island: “How do we beat the bitch.” McCain answered by
saying that more than a bitch, Giuliani looks like a prostitute when
he is in drag. (Pedro Bartes)

Republican presidential candidate Tom Tancredo on Monday unveiled a
television ad depicting a hooded terrorist detonating a bomb inside a
shopping mall. The candidate got the repudiation from most of the
people, but won him a phone call from the producers of “24” who are
in desperate need of writers. (Pedro Bartes)

GOP officials said Monday that Fred Thompson has won the presidential
endorsement of the National Right to Life Committee. Thompson wanted
to thank the endorsement in a speech, but couldn’t find anybody to
write it because Hollywood writers are on strike. (Pedro Bartes)

GOP presidential candidate Fred Thompson caused an uproar by
suggesting Social Security benefits be cut to reduce spending. The
actor is in a lot of trouble. He never would have said anything so
stupid if the writers weren’t on strike. (Argus Hamilton)

Pat Robertson endorses Rudy Giuliani, but says if he wears a dress
again a hurricane will blow up his skirt. (Michael Feldman)

PRESIDENT BUSH

According to the latest Gallup Poll: George W Bush has now surpassed
Richard Nixon as the most unpopular U. S. president of all time. If
you’re too young to remember Richard Nixon — he was the president
who brought dignity to sneaky. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

So what’s it like being the most unpopular president of all time?.
Well, actually for Bush not much has changed, except now Britney
Spears wants to date him. (Joe Hickman)

President Bush announced he is going to attack air traffic delays. So
that means, if you’re planning to travel this Thanksgiving, you
better have left three days ago. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE REPUBLICANS

A prostitute that allegedly had sex with Sen. David Vitter gave
Hustler an interview where she shares details of the senator as her
client. Fortunately for the Senator, politicians in Washington DC
only buy Hustler for the pictures. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CONGRESS

The House of Representatives has approved the first ban of job
discrimination of gays. The Senate has already shown their support
for gay employment by letting Senator Larry Craig keep his job. (Jim
Barach)

THE COURTS

The California Supreme Court is considering a lawsuit asking that
marijuana use be considered legal. Apparently California courts
already allow heavy marijuana use by their juries, especially in
celebrity murder cases. (Jim Barach)

THE STATES

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has officially dropped his proposal to
give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants; now if illegal
immigrants want to drive in New York City, they’ll have to become cab
drivers just like all the rest. (Alex Kaseberg)

LOCAL NEWS

The Los Angeles City Council voted to ban the use of the “N-word.”
According to the Los Angeles City Council, the N-word “connotes a
lazy person with no self-respect or regard for family, a person who
is ignorant, stupid, slow moving, does not speak proper English and
has childlike qualities.” No wonder they want to ban the N word, it
describes a congressman perfectly. (Pedro Bartes)

San Francisco Bay was swamped by a sixty thousand gallon oil spill on
Thursday when a tanker ran aground in fog. Each barrel was worth a
hundred dollars. People were jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge just
so they could finally say they struck oil. (Argus Hamilton)

Nancy Pelosi flew to San Francisco Monday where she slammed the U. S.
Coast Guard over the sixty-thousand-gallon oil spill. She’s angry
they didn’t notify the city when the spill occurred. Ever since the
Coast Guard was folded into the Homeland Security Department they’ve
been instructed that anything involving oil is Top Secret. (Argus
Hamilton)

On the demolition of the 65-year-old New Frontier Casino Hotel in Las
Vegas: It was the biggest implosion there since Britney Spears
performed at the MTV Video Music Awards. (Patrick Gorse)

THE ARMED FORCES

Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-
volunteer U. S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at
least somebody has an exit strategy. (Tina Fey)

The Army has spent well over two billion dollars on a helicopter with
one single design flaw: It crashes in hot weather. If only they could
figure out a way to rig a huge fan to the top of it. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Army is spending $2.6 billion on a fleet of new Disaster-Relief
Helicopters that are not safe to fly on hot days. Those are the ones
they bought to use in California, for New Orleans they are working on
a fleet of boats that cannot be used on wet days. (Pedro Bartes)

THE LAW

Grover Norquist called for a constitutional amendment banning family
members from succeeding each other as president. Hillary is
unaffected because there’s a Bush between her and Bill and Jeb isn’t
affected because there’ll be a Clinton between W. and him. As long as
the ruling families continue to alternate, the amendment would never
come into play. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

A man in India married a dog; this marital precedent upset US
conservatives until they discovered that the man and the dog were not
the same sex. (Alex Kaseberg)

An Indian man married a dog in order to remove a curse he incurred 15
years ago, when he stoned two other dogs. It sounds like a good idea,
but it’ll be difficult for Michael Vick to find a dog that dares
marry him. (Pedro Bartes)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry’s girlfriend of three years, said she
dumped the Prince because “I got tired of explaining to friends why
my boyfriend was always wearing a Nazi uniform.” (Andy Borowitz)

In Australia, sidewalk Santas are being told not to say ho, ho, ho,
because it is insulting to women; somehow Santas chanting:
“Promiscuous women with low self-esteem, promiscuous women with low
self-esteem, promiscuous women with low self-esteem” just isn’t the
same. (Alex Kaseberg)

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced more stringent anti-
terrorist security precautions at restaurants, theaters, schools and
other places people regularly gather. Needless to say, dentist
offices are not on the list. (Bob Mills)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal bought his own jumbo airliner on
Sunday. When Muslims are off the ground they are free to violate
their religion’s strict ban on the use of alcohol. Protestants get
the same waiver the moment they land in Las Vegas. (Argus Hamilton)

Pervez Musharraf wouldn’t say Sunday how long he’ll keep Pakistan in
a state of emergency. He can’t say because he’s fighting terrorism.
Osama bin Laden just vowed to blow up the Pakistan Hilton if room
service ever takes three rings to answer again. (Argus Hamilton)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Russian President Vladimir Putin says after leaving the presidency
he’ll hold on to power by becoming Prime Minister. His good friend,
George W. Bush, says it doesn’t surprise him at all that such a fine
man would decide to enter the clergy. (Scott Witt)

THE ECONOMY

A new report says usually rock-solid money market funds are no longer
safe for investors… which would frighten most Americans if they
weren’t already spending all their money on gas anyway. (Jake Novak)

The largest white diamond ever offered at auction, an 84.37 caret
stone, brought a winning bid of $16.2 million at Southeby? s. It was
purchased by Kobe Bryan to buy, he hopes, at least five years of
spousal forgiveness for road game indiscretions. (Bob Mills)

On Gisele Bundchen’s insistence she be paid in any currency other
than U. S. dollars: “How weak has the dollar gotten that it can’t
even feed a supermodel?” (Jim Barach)

The National Association of Realtors reports that 38% of home
mortgage holders owe more than their property is worth. Surprised? In
a country that now owes more than It’s worth? (Bob Mills)

The going rate for a 30-second commercial during the Super Bowl is
$2.7 million. Slightly more if any part of Janet Jackson’s anatomy
shows. (Bob Mills)

HEALTH

A study says that marital stress may promote heart disease. This
means that divorce costs and alimony may be written off as a health
care deduction. (Jim Barach)

SPORTS

Golfer Sergio Garcia set a record by earning the most money on the
PGA, $3.7 million, without winning a single tournament; as a result,
Sergio was signed by the New York Yankees. (Alex Kaseberg)

The San Diego Charger’s run defense faces a scary set of backs in the
Jacksonville Jaguars’ Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew. How scary?
Taylor and Jones-Drew are scarier than passing out and waking up next
to the winner of an “Ugly Betty” look-alike contest. (Alex Kaseberg)

Former Yankee skipper Joe Torre appears to have been welcomed with
open arms by LA Dodger fans, management and players alike. He’s even
been granted an audience with Tommy Lasorda. (Bob Mills)

The New England Patriots dismissed Don Shula’s suggestion that their
won-lost record this year should have an asterisk next to it for
cheating. All they did was illegally videotape the opposing New York
Jets for the first five plays of their first game. It’s not really
cheating in New York until Rudy Giuliani’s wife changes the locks.
(Argus Hamilton)

John Daly has a new book out called Golf My Own Damned Way, in which
the golfer cheerfully details his drinking and smoking and gambling
and overeating. To get totally sober he’d have to give up four
addictions. It’s easier to withdraw from Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)

After the controversy generated by radio host Don Imus’ comments on
the Rutgers women’s basketball team, the Scarlet Knights had the best
recruiting season ever. After hearing that, small schools all over
the country encouraged their women basketball players to get tattoos,
coil their hair, and they are gonna send a video to Imus to gather
his on air opinion. (Pedro Bartes)

ENTERTAINMENT

Broadway’s stagehands’ union went on strike Saturday, closing all
shows. It added to public misery with TV shows being in reruns due to
the writers’ strike. By the time all these show business strikes end,
half the country will be addicted to online poker. (Argus Hamilton)

Disneyland announced last week they will retrofit the boats on the
It’s a Small World ride to hold today’s heavier passengers. They do a
great job of keeping the park up to date and current. Tomorrowland
has been turned into a scale model of Mexico City. (Argus Hamilton)

“Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” is out in theaters. Items in Dustin
Hoffman’s magical toy story have strange powers and glow in the dark.
He ordered most of his inventory from China. (Alan Ray)

CELEBRITIES

Paris Hilton is out promoting her new CD that won’t be out until
June. One of the featured songs is called ‘Screwed.’ Actually, I
think this is the first time the video came out a couple years before
the song did. (Jay Leno)

Britney Spears has been ordered to pay $120,000 of Kevin Federline’s
legal fees. The court also ordered a similar amount be paid to him
for singing lessons. Kevin Federline’s legal fees exceeded $154,000.
You would think proving Britney Spears as an unfit mother would have
been a lot cheaper than that. (Jim Barach)

Matt Damon has been named the “sexiest man alive” by People magazine.
Which, of course, only means sexiest famous guy alive. Which is just
as well. Those of us who prefer to remain low-key would probably be
embarrassed anyway. Sexiest man alive. What a dumb title. Like, there
may be a sexier man, but he’s dead. (Joe Hickman)

Rumors are J. K. Rowling could be Time Magazine’s person of year.
Dumbledore, on the other hand, could be Out Magazine’s person of the
year. (Pedro Bartes)

O.J. Simpson will stand trial for breaking in a hotel room in Vegas
to recover part of his memorabilia. He’s worried this time, because
one of the memorabilia items he could not recover is the only glove
that doesn’t fit. (Pedro Bartes)

Katie Holmes ran in the New York Marathon and got a kiss from her
husband Tom Cruise at the finish; Holmes described it as the
toughest, most grueling thing she has ever been through, and besides
the kiss, the run was hard too. (Alex Kaseberg)

Kevin Federline’s attorney claims Britney Spears is ducking her court-
ordered drug tests; Britney claims she isn’t intentionally ducking
the tests, she just keeps missing them after passing out from doing
too many drugs. (Alex Kaseberg)

“The Times of London” reports that Michael Jordan’s divorce will cost
him $168 million when it becomes final in the next few weeks. The
only good news for Michael? Sir Paul McCartney will soon name Jordan
an honorary Beatle. (Alex Kaseberg)

Michael Jackson was reported Friday to be close to losing his
Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara to creditors. It’s been one headache
after another. He lost his tax break on the mansion three years ago
when his neighbors figured out it wasn’t a junior high. (Argus Hamilton)

The London Sunday Times reports Michael Jordan is set to pay his wife
one hundred and sixty-eight million dollars for his divorce. It’s not
enough. I mean, it sounds like a lot, but she’s young, she could get
sick. A gal can’t count on $4 prescriptions at Wal-Mart forever!
Heck, in ten years a flu shot may cost $168-million. (HaBlog)

Like Nicole Richey, Lindsay Lohan spent a grueling 84 minutes in jail
for drunk driving charges; 84 minutes? That’s barely enough time to
get a tear drop prison tat, trade a carton of smokes for a cellmate
bitch and then shiv a snitch. (Alex Kaseberg)

Heather Mills McCartney parted company Friday with her lawyer and her
publicist in her divorce war with Paul McCartney. His relationship
with the one-legged model was doomed from the very start. He’s an old-
time rock ‘n roller and she’s into hip-hop. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa announced Thursday he will begin a
probe of six televangelists. He wants to nail preachers who promise
miracles to people in exchange for donations. Anyone who’s found
guilty could get five to ten years as a registered lobbyist. (Argus
Hamilton)

CULTURE

Washington D. C. hosted a UFO convention Monday made up of people who
have either seen alien spaceships or believe they exist. It’s no
longer cute. We used to laugh at these people who saw things that
didn’t exist until they got us into a war in Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS

Target is trying to add warning labels to meat sold in their stores,
letting people know it has been “treated” to look fresh. If this idea
catches on, we could use the same label on people that have been
treated to look fresh, too! (Pedro Bartes)

PetroChina has become the first company to be worth a trillion
dollars. Meanwhile, ExxonMobil and Chevron have become the first
companies to have executives worth a trillion dollars. (Jim Barach)

POLLS & STUDIES

Seventy-five percent of Americans said in a recent poll that the
country is headed in the wrong direction. The other 25 percent is
headed to Canada. (Pedro Bartes)

A new survey says that New Jersey is the most livable state in the U.
S. The survey has a margin of error of 100%. (Conan O’Brien)

A government report says women are absent from work twice as often as
men. That means after following President Bush, if Hillary Clinton is
elected President, she’ll never be at the White House. (Jim Barach)

6 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-17-07

  1. WHN is a substitute for Dinitrogen Monoxide.

  2. I am getting addicted to this weekly feature of your blog. I take offence to women are absent from work twice as often as men;) Women work twice as much.
    //A study says that marital stress may promote heart disease. This means that divorce costs and alimony may be written off as a health
    care deduction. (Jim Barach)// I hope the cardiologists don’t get ideas. Lawyers and cardiologists migt form a cartel or start collaborating.

  3. Just where do you get these gems from ? You collect them throughout the week? If so, when do you eat, sleep, do other bodily functions and work?

  4. Lakshmi,
    I get these from Stan Kegel, a doctor who collects these and sends them over. In the ‘Humerus News’ page (see at the top of the blog) he is acknowledged as the source of these little gems.

  5. You have a great blog. I am going to be a regular visitor here. Love the weakly humerus. Really tickled my funny bone 🙂

    Welcome, Lekhni!

  6. left a message on ankurs stock chat

    my god – ur WEAKLY HUMERUS aggregator is getting larger every week

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