WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-24-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

A recent study conducted by the National Endowment of the Arts shows that less than 38% of Americans read at least one book for pleasure last year. Zero percent of sitting presidents. (Bob Mills)

Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is first time in baseball history that the players have more additives in them than the hot dogs. (Arco Max)

Olympic officials have announced that free condoms will be supplied in all Beijing hotel rooms during the 2008 Games. Nice gesture, but since they’re endorsed by the Chinese government, they only prevent female births. (Bob Mills)

An Iowa poll shows Hillary Clinton in a three way tie with Barack Obama and John Edwards; this marks the first time in history the words Hillary Clinton have been used with three way. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Weather Channel warned Monday that stormy weather would delay Thanksgiving travel across the nation. It was slow. Delays were so long at Minneapolis Airport that Senator Larry Craig went to the men’s room because he had to go to the men’s room. (Argus Hamilton)

Democrats say hidden costs have doubled the cost of the war in Iraq to $1.5 Trillion. Hidden costs? It’s all pretty much gone straight from the Treasury over to Halliburton. (Jim Barach)

Today is the busiest travel day of the year. Over 38 million people will be traveling – and that’s just the people coming over from Mexico. (Jay Leno)

OJ Simpson has been held over to stand trial on kidnapping and armed robbery charges. Evidence now shows that when the defendant asked an associate to “bring heat,” he didn’t mean a gun—he meant his weapon of choice: a warm Ginzu knife. (Bob Mills)

STRIKES

CBS news writers voted by a wide margin to authorize a strike against their employer, the Writers Guild of America announced Monday. This is not the only news channel affected by a writers strike; apparently, Fox News has also been affected by the comedy writers strike. (Pedro Bartes)

Jay Leno and David Letterman forfeited their network salaries last week to honor the Writers Guild strike. No wonder Hillary is slipping in the polls. With the late-night shows in reruns everyone thinks her husband’s seeing Monica Lewinsky again. (Argus Hamilton)

CBS news writers voted by a wide margin to authorize a strike against their employer, the Writers Guild of America announced Monday. After deliberations, CBS decided to hire back Dan Rather because he already showed he can write his own news. (Pedro Bartes)

CBS News writers declared Monday they have voted to go on strike after working without a contract for a year. It’s a huge break for the CBS Evening News. This is their chance to turn it into a talk show for women and really get their ratings up. (Argus Hamilton)

The Broadway stagehands’ strike shut down every show on Broadway last week amid charges of union featherbedding. It might be true. The strikers’ cause suffered a setback when cameras showed seven stagehands holding up each and every one of the picket signs. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney has been talking about his Mormon mission to France in 1968. He says it allowed him to preach his faith, become ambitious, and stay out of Vietnam. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton was asked by a UNLV student at a debate whether she preferred diamonds or pearls. Clinton it said it depends on what she caught Bill doing. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton mocked Barack Obama for saying his childhood in a foreign country gave him valuable foreign policy experience. She said voters don’t consider that experience. It’s not like he decorated the White House Christmas tree eight times. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama told a high school class in New Hampshire Tuesday that when he was their age he experimented with illegal drugs and wasted a lot of time. He’s forty-five years old, he’s a United States senator and he’s leading in Iowa for president. Who’s he kidding, if he hadn’t done cocaine it would have taken him ten years longer. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton reversed herself Thursday and opposed giving driver’s licenses to illegal aliens. She has two positions on Iraq, two on Social Security, and two on immigration. The only thing with more positions than Hillary Clinton is the Kama Sutra. (Argus Hamilton)

Iowa tightened in the polls Tuesday in the Democratic presidential race. They scheduled the caucuses on the night of January 3rd, which was insane. It means the next president of the United States will be the candidate who can persuade twenty-five voters to leave the house during the college football championship game. (Argus Hamilton)

Republican presidential hopeful John McCain says he won’t take personal shots at Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton.. McCain obviously is too nice to be President. Heck, he’s even too nice to be a Republican. (Joe Hickman)

Hillary Clinton’s argument that she’s more experienced at foreign affairs than Barack Obama is only partly correct. Actually it’s her husband who’s experienced at foreign affairs. Indeed, he may be having one right now. (Scott Witt)

John McCain declared on Sunday that if he wins the nomination, he will reject Secret Service protection. He’s extremely cocky. After the North Vietnamese and his stand in favor of illegal immigration failed to kill him, he concluded that he’s bulletproof. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by a sheet metal workers’ union convention in Las Vegas Sunday. She worked the crowd hard. She’s in competition with the blackjack tables to get twenty-three hundred dollars out of each of them before they leave town. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani took the stadium microphone at the NASCAR Ford 400 race Sunday in rural Florida and said America must break its dependence on foreign oil. It drew huge cheers from the race fans. Everyone in the crowd operates a corn still, and since the ethanol subsidies were passed they are getting ten times the price per jug. (Argus Hamilton)

Romney says “Jesus Christ is my personal lord and savior” Obama promises that he’ll be “an instrument of God” McCain says “Christianity is an important part of our qualifications to lead” and Hillary claims she experiences “the presence of the Holy Spirit on many occasions.” If Jesus isn’t collecting hefty royalties from all this, he’s the least business savvy redeemer in history. (Bob Mills)

Ron Paul spoke in Reno Tuesday and called for abolishing the IRS and legalizing drugs and restoring the gold standard and living free. The crowd’s reception was very cool. If the whole country were like that, there would be no need for Nevada. (Argus Hamilton)

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee announced that professional wrestler Ric Flair, known as The Nature Boy, is backing his bid for the White House. Huckabee said that the support of a wrestler and Chuck Norris are his best weapons to “beat the bitch.” (Pedro Bartes)

Presidential candidate John McCain said on the campaign trail that if he’s elected president he won’t need secret service protection. On the other hand, Hillary said she will double her security: secret service to protect her, and secret service to prevent Bill from having an affair. (Pedro Bartes)

PRESIDENT BUSH

In a speech to a gathering of mathematics professors from throughout the United States, George W. Bush warned the academics not to misuse their position to force their often extremist political views on young Americans. “It is my understanding”, the president said, “that you are frequently teaching algebra classes in which your students learn how to solve equations with the help of radicals. I can’t say that I approve of that…” (Charon)

President Bush pardoned two turkeys at the White House. But enough about the Miami Dolphins and the Oakland Raiders . . . (Alex Kaseberg)

Today President Bush pardoned two turkeys at the White House. The turkeys end up a petting zoo in Virginia. It’s the same thing they did with Mark Foley. (David Letterman)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Dick Cheney was in Iraq visiting the troops. Because nothing says warm holiday cheer like a Dick Cheney sneer. (David Letterman)

Former press secretary Scott McClellan said that Bush and Cheney made him spread “false information” about Plame-gate to the press. It is a amazing what writing a book does; nobody ever believed a word McClellan ever said as a press secretary, but after writing a book he turned himself into “Mr Truth.” (Pedro Bartes)

Vice president Dick Cheney will get together with his family for Thanksgiving Dinner. He said the part he enjoys the most is when he waterboards the Turkeys, because it is not torture, he is just tenderizing them. (Pedro Bartes)

THE DEMOCRATS

Former US vice president Al Gore will visit the Oval Office on November 26 when US President George W. Bush honors US Nobel Prize winners, a Bush spokesman said Friday. The spokesman also disclosed that they had to tell Gore to not knock at the door 10 times and scream for hours like he used to to warn Bill Clinton he was going to enter the oval office. (Pedro Bartes)

Democratic senators are standing “sentry duty” in their chambers during the Thanksgiving holiday to prevent Bush from sneaking back to make recess appointments of unqualified nominees for vacant positions. Cheney is easier to keep track of. They put a 24 hour GPS monitor on his pacemaker. (Bob Mills)

Senator John Kerry wants to personally accept Texas oilman T. Boone Pickens’ offer of one million dollars to anyone who can disprove even a single charge of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. On a personal note, I am willing to offer a million dollars to anyone who gives a crap about Kerry anymore. (Pedro Bartes)

THE COURTS

The U. S. Appeals Court agreed Monday to decide a case brought by the blind, who want U. S. currency resized. However, there is opposition. If Ben Franklin’s head gets any bigger, the Baseball Hall of Fame won’t accept anything larger than a twenty. (Argus Hamilton)

A judge has ordered the White House not to delete any of its emails, which presents a problem because of all the spam it receives. All the more reason to elect Barack Obama, say his supporters, because there’d be fewer ads promoting male body enhancement due to the stereotypical belief concerning black men. Republicans point out, however, that ads could be targeted at any white men on his staff. (Scott Witt)

THE STATES

Massachusetts will hold a ceremony Thursday celebrating the first Thanksgiving dinner held by Puritan settlers. Back in England they were nicknamed the Roundheads. Now you know why Barry Bonds has been named an honorary Thanksgiving turkey this year. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ARMED FORCES

There is new evidence that the Pentagon has underreported cases of brain injuries sustained by the military in Iraq and Afghanistan by 20,000 cases. Twenty thousand and one if you count their brain-dead commander-in-chief. (Bob Mills)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The Justice Department will grant early release to crack cocaine prisoners on Monday and Tuesday. The release will be carried live on ESPN. The NFL supplemental player draft will be held on Monday, and the NBA supplemental player draft will be held on Tuesday, and NBC will draft writers for Saturday Night Live from whatever’s left. (Argus Hamilton)

O. J. Simpson was ordered to stand trial in Las Vegas Tuesday. The case has fame, race, gunplay, payback, star power, and a glittering Las Vegas setting. It has every element the country needs for quality entertainment with the writers on strike. (Argus Hamilton)

O.J. Simpson will have to stand trial for the alleged theft of memorabilia in Las Vegas. He says “As always, I rely on the jury system.” The only question, are Las Vegas jurors anywhere near as gullible and dumb as they are in L.A.? (Jim Barach)

TERRORISM

The leading White House-based terrorism adviser is stepping down. In fact, everybody’s leaving the White House and reportedly nobody wants the jobs. Looks like the President will have to do like everybody else — hire illegal aliens. (Joe Hickman)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

In their first major Japanese whale hunt since the 1963 moratorium, the whaler Nissan Mara will kill 50 humpbacks, 935 Minkes and 50 Fin whales. All will be shipped fresh to Benihana of Tokyo for their popular “Once They’re Gone They’re Gone Threatened and Endangered Species Seafood Platter.” (Bob Mills)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. It must be remembered, though, that 60 is only twelve in Camilla Parker Bowles years. (Bob Mills)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

The U. S. will attempt Mideast peace talks in Maryland Tuesday. Lebanon is being run by Hezbollah, Hamas controls the Gaza Strip, the U. S. has thrown its weight behind Saddam’s old party in Iraq, and Iran is acquiring nuclear weapons. The way the war on terror is progressing, Americans are starting to wonder if President Bush is a double agent. (Argus Hamilton)

MTV is launching a new channel called MTV Arabia, for people in the Middle East. The channel will broadcast an Arabic version of the popular car makeover show “Pimp My Ride,” in which most of the cars will be added i-Pods, Hi-Def TV’s and the coolest compartments to hide bombs. (Pedro Bartes)

MTV launched MTV Arabia in Dubai Monday for people in the Middle East. It will feature groups singing in Arabic. The only downside is, in this part of the world rap artists will have to show respect for women in order to rebel against the culture. (Argus Hamilton)

Pakistan’s General Pervez Musharraf said Wednesday he’ll quit as army chief and just be president. There’s no way he’ll lift the state of emergency. He just placed all his opponents under house arrest and it feels like he has the road all to himself. (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

French transportation workers went on strike Friday, shutting down all buses and subway service. That thirty-five-hour work week leaves them exhausted. There aren’t enough hours in the day for the people of France to balance work, family and adultery. (Argus Hamilton)

Former French president Jacques Chirac is under investigation for awarding phony jobs to cronies while serving as mayor of Paris for 18 years. Officials became suspicious when they noticed the manager of the Eiffel Tower is Jerry Lewis. (Bob Mills)

THE ECONOMY

Oil prices hit ninety-eight dollars a barrel Monday in New York trading. This is past crazy. Gasoline is so expensive that Bloomingdale’s is going to put it in bottles this Christmas and sell it as a fragrance called Elizabeth Taylor’s Hard Miles. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE

The good news that skin cells can be reprogrammed to mimic embryonic stem cells is bad news for the makers of Head & Shoulders Shampoo. It turns out that collecting dandruff can be a good thing. Head & Shoulders executives are scratching their heads trying to figure out what to do about it. (Scott Witt)

HEALTH

For years scientists have said chemicals called nitrites in hotdogs are very bad for us. But a new study shows nitrites may help repair heart tissue after a heart attack. And it works even better if you smoke a cigarette while you’re eating the hotdog. Just kidding. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

The U.S. has set a record for STDs, with one million new cases of chlamydia reported. Apparently that’s the price we pay for a Paris Hilton book tour. (Jim Barach)

SPORTS

Alabama football coach Nick Saban compared their football loss to the December 7th attack on Pearl Harbor and the terrorist attacks of September 11th; I don’t know about that, but the last Miami Dolphin loss reminded me of April Fools day. (Alex Kaseberg)

Free agent Alex Rodriguez won his third American League MVP award and is heading back to the New York Yankees. This is great news for Yankee fans and New York area strip clubs (Alex Kaseberg)

Barry Bonds was indicted on federal perjury charges Thursday, ending his baseball career. Nobody misses him in San Francisco. They’ve been scooping the oil out of the bay and making just as much money as they used to make selling the home run balls. (Argus Hamilton)

Former SF Giant Barry Bonds has been indicted on perjury and obstruction of justice charges for allegedly lying to federal prosecutors about his use of anabolic steroids. He probably would have gotten away with it if he hadn’t flaunted his increasing bulk by using his batting helmet as a Jacuzzi. (Bob Mills)

Rickey Williams was allowed to rejoin the Miami Dolphins Friday after four suspensions for pot. The city has a casual approach to law enforcement. The Miami Dolphins team drug policy is the same as Miami’s immigration policy: nobody gets a fifth chance. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

Another thing I am thankful for … I am thankful nobody forces me to watch the new TV comedies, whose producers apparently foresaw the writer’s strike and hired junior high kids to write the jokes. Hey, dirty jokes never change. Why pay for good writers? The new TV shows reflect the constant cycle of non-change. Each season the old shows nobody watches are replaced by the new shows nobody watches. (Joe Hickman)

Dolly Parton is writing the music and lyrics for an updated stage version of her hit 1980 movie, “9 to 5.” The new version, based on the 2007 economy is called, “9 to 5, Come Home, Take A Quick Nap, And Then Go To My Other Full-Time Job.” (Patrick Gorse)

Stephen King’s “The Mist” is out in theaters. A powerful thunderstorm traps residents of a small community. They fear for their lives because their only salvation is FEMA. (Alan Ray)

Viewers who tuned in for the second week of NBC’s mega-hyped “Bionic Woman” dropped 50%. Her fate is even worse than cancellation. She’s going to be disassembled. (Bob Mills)

The holiday classic Love in the Time of Cholera” opened nationwide to a paltry $1.9 million. Prompting the producers to rethink the planned sequel, “Four Weddings and the Black Plague.” (Bob Mills)

CELEBRITIES

With O. J. moving up to the front burner of media obsession, both wars and Britney Spears will get a rest. (Mark Russell)

Video of Britney Spears running a red light with her kids in the car will be used in her child custody case. Britney says she has a valid excuse for the erratic driving. She was actually trying to put on a pair of panties at the time. (Jim Barach)

Google co-founder Larry Page announced Tuesday that he will marry his girlfriend, Lucy Southworth, next month. He’s worth twenty billion dollars. To safeguard his fortune, he had to get married quickly before Heather Mills McCartney was single again. (Argus Hamilton)

There’s a report Michael Jackson is planning a huge comeback. It was just a matter of time. Michael has been very patient. Quietly waiting for the worldwide level of weird to catch up with his personal level of weird. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Mike Tyson was ordered to serve a whopping one day in jail as punishment for his arrest on charges of driving under the influence and cocaine possession earlier this year. Al Sharpton immediately cried racism and organized a march to protest because Lindsay Lohan only got 84 minutes for the same charges. (Pedro Bartes)

Jack Nicholson revealed Tuesday he turned down a chance to buy the New York Yankees. It was an opportunity missed. Anybody who saw One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest knows that the transition from Jack Nicholson to George Steinbrenner would be virtually seamless. (Argus Hamilton)

Warren Buffett called for higher taxes on the wealthy and higher estate taxes during Senate testimony Wednesday. Lawmakers were enraptured. To Democrats, the only thing better than a rich guy asking to be taxed is a female accuser volunteering to be run over by a truck. (Argus Hamilton)

Midgets and dwarfs who played the Munchkins in 1939’s “Wizard of Oz” have been awarded a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. But there was an unfortunate accident during the installation ceremony in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. Three of them fell into one of the footprints. (Bob Mills)

RELIGION

Pope Benedict XVI has issued an order banning “popular music” in all Vatican buildings — including those decadent Gregorian chants ground out by that depraved order of monks between 675 and 750 AD. (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

Six cheerleaders at a Ripon, CA high school mooned the fans in the stands by flashing their underpants to spell out “INDIANS #1.” Unfortunately, they somehow broke formation and spelled out “Britney Spears.” (Bob Mills)

CULTURE

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is one of the busiest travel days of the year. You can tell it’s the holidays because all around the airport there is something in the air. Influenza. (Alan Ray)

Millions of travelers boarded flights Wednesday to Thanksgiving holiday weekend destinations. Check-in lines reportedly moved slowly because many passengers’ carry-on turkeys had to be x-rayed. A flight in Cleveland was delayed for two hours when security guards thought they heard one woman’s giblets ticking. (Joe Hickman)

Wednesday is one of the busiest travel days of the year. It’s not a profitable one for the airlines because many actually lose their shirts during the holidays. Not to mention, yours. (Alan Ray)

Proudnewbabywear.com offers clothes for toddlers with inscriptions on them like “What happens at Grandma’s, stays at Grandma’s.” They even have one for newborns that says “Nine months all alone in there and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” (Bob Mills)

HISTORY

Fossils from a 110 million year old dinosaur found in the Sahara Desert have been placed on display at the headquarters of the National Geographic Society. The specimen, which had a large shovel-like mouth is believed to have survived by sucking in food like a giant vacuum cleaner. Paleontologists have named the prehistoric creature “Rosie O’Donnell Rex.” (Bob Mills)

It was announced that the balloon millionaire Steve Fossett used to travel around the world is going to be placed in the Smithsonian. Reportedly, the balloon will be part of an exhibit called, “Rich Guys with Too Much Free Time.” (Conan O’Brien)

HOLIDAYS

The Christmas shopping season begins. Some of those caveats on today’s toys can just make you sick. Batteries not included. Some assembly required. Made in China. (Alan Ray)

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” (Jon Stewart)

Thanksgiving’s the same every year. The in-laws arrive with 7 green bean casseroles and a pumpkin pie. We stuff ourselves and marvel at how much everybody has grown. It used to be just the kids, now it’s everybody! Then we all slouch down on whatever is slouchworthy and sleep through the Dallas Cowboys making history again. Hey, that’s what newspapers are for — to read about the next day what we slept through the day before. (Joe Hickman)

Bob Barker has been chosen as the Grand Marshal of this year’s revamped Hollywood Santa Parade. And Barker drove a hard bargain. Santa had to agree to get a vasectomy. (Bob Mills)

The weather wasn’t very good for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It was so bad that Michael Richards was screaming at Al Roker. (David Letterman)

BUSINESS

A survey shows that Volkswagen and Honda are the best resale values for cars. Nobody could figure out the resale value for Fords since the company can’t even sell them new. (Jim Barach)

Ford CEO Alan Mulalley says the company is not planning on taking on a partner. If they did, it would be another company with a similar business savvy, like Countrywide Mortgage. Two potential partners for Ford that come to mind are Hudson and Nash Rambler. (Jim Barach)

Pennys gave post-Thanksgiving shoppers a head start by opening their doors at 4 am. Which is great for the gals, but if a guy is in the doorway of a Pennys at 4 am, he’s usually taking a leak (Bob Mills)

POLLS & STUDIES

A study says men are served faster than women at coffee shops. More than likely because they actually order coffee instead of some frappuccino double espresso decaf latte. (Jim Barach)

OTHER

The St. Louis airport has installed rocking chairs for passengers awaiting flights. Those in the Jet Blue waiting area can be delayed up to eight hours before being allowed to rock. (Bob Mills)

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