WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-01-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Washington D. C. was named in a health survey Tuesday as having the highest rate of sexually transmitted disease of any city in the United States. The government is clearly to blame. You can’t screw that many taxpayers each day and not catch something. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush left town Thursday for Christmas vacation. Of course, it’s a working vacation. He’ll have to write Santa Claus and encourage him to stay the course even though North Pole funding for Elf & Reindeer Health Care has been cut drastically. And just when Rudolph needs a nose transplant.It’ll cost a fortune… there are so few red nose donors. (Joe Hickman)

Banned from sale in the United States since 1912, absinthe has been approved by the FDA. The 100+ proof, distilled from worm wood aperitif, was once described by Oscar Wilde as “producing the ability to see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.” Absinthe was the liquor of choice among 19th century French Bohemians and is widely believed to have been a major contributor to Vincent Van Gogh’s decision to lop off his ear. However, contrary to centuries-old belief, there appears to be no empirical evidence that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (Bob Mills)

Man it was raining hard in Los Angeles. How rainy was it? It was so rainy Lindsay Lohan was arrested for driving her row boat under the influence. It was so rainy, Britney Spears had to put on her Burberry panties. It was so rainy even Paris Hilton was smart enough to come in out of the rain. (Alex Kaseberg)

Huge crowds jammed malls and stores on Black Friday. It’s not clear if the lines were filled by shoppers or foreclosed Americans looking to get out of the cold. (Jake Novak)

Stephen King told Nightline that if the Bush administration didn’t think waterboarding was torture, they should waterboard Jenna Bush. Jenna said that she has been waterboarded several times in the past, mostly at friend’s parties with beer bongs. (Pedro Bartes)

Detroit has been named the US’s most dangerous city; to which the city of Trenton, New Jersey cried as one: “Wait ’til next year.” (Alex Kaseberg)

THE STRIKES

The Hollywood writers strike continues, hundreds of professional writers are getting by without a paycheck. By the way: Most people who write for money start with these four words: “Dear Mom and Dad.” (Toms Lake Humor Company)

The Writers Guild meets with studios today to try to end the three-week-long strike. It must be done. No one wants to say networks are buying their scripts on the street corners but in all the new pilots the crack dealer is the romantic lead. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

No way Texans are going to vote for Yankee guys named Rudy or Mitt. We want a president with a real name like … Lyndon … George …… Baby George….. (Joe Hickman)

The retired general who asked about gays and lesbians serving in the military at the CNN/YouTube Republican debate on Wednesday is a co-chairman of Hillary Rodham Clinton’s National Military Veterans group. Republicans are mad; they are afraid that if you plant a gay in a Republican meeting, then you cannot stop them from multiplying. (Pedro Bartes)

The GOP candidates for president participated in a YouTube debate. They got to show their diversity. Some are rich, male, and white. Others are white, male, and rich. (Alan Ray)

Mitt Romney is calling for a cap on medical malpractice lawsuits. It’s his way of cutting off John Edwards from financing his own candidacy.The Republican plan to stop malpractice lawsuits is to eventually deny health care to everyone. (Jim Barach)

The Democratic race for president is getting nasty. Bill Clinton’s reaction to the mudslinging is something new for him. When Hillary gets her hackles up, it really kind of turns him on. (Alan Ray)

John Edwards marched with striking screenwriters in Beverly Hills Monday. He’s right at home here. We’re the only people who know that his four-hundred-dollar haircut is what you pay at SuperCuts in Beverly Hills, but only if you have a coupon. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama told a high school assembly that he drank alcohol and smoked pot in high school. He also admitted to cocaine use. Rudy Giuliani praised his honesty and expects the favor to be returned if adultery comes up during next year’s debates. (Argus Hamilton)

A news report claims Rudy Giuliani used New York City taxpayers money to pay for the expenses incurred in a Long Island resort as the then-mayor began an extramarital affair with current wife Judith Nathan. No wonder Democrats are better at managing our tax money. They don’t need a fancy resort to have an affair; it just takes them an easy intern and a desk. (Pedro Bartes)

Rudy Giuliani was reported Wednesday to have billed New York City for security expenses as mayor when he visited the Hamptons to commit adultery with Judi Nathan. You cannot expect the mayor to travel without security. What if his wife follows him? (Argus Hamilton)

Giuliani’s chief political adviser said the expenses Giuliani used to travel to Long Island to have an extra marital affair were justified. These were all legitimate expenses incurred in protecting the mayor, and his police detail covered him wherever he went, 24/7. Apparently there was an angry wife ready to kill him. (Pedro Bartes)

Rudy Giuliani addressed the energy issue at a NASCAR race. That’s like talking about the obesity epidemic at a McDonald’s. He would have gotten a lot more attention if he would have discussed his idea for a national dental plan. (Jim Barach)

Fred Thompson blamed his slumping presidential campaign Sunday on biased press coverage. This could work out for him. If his poll numbers keep going down and the Hollywood strike doesn’t end soon he won’t lose a single day of work on Law and Order. (Argus Hamilton)

Several newspapers reported that Rudy Giuliani’s campaign rallies are attended mostly by reporters but very few actual supporters. His campaign staff said the report is unfair because Fox News reporters are also Giuliani supporters. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton’s argument that she’s more experienced at foreign affairs than Barack Obama is only partly correct. Actually it’s her husband who’s experienced at foreign affairs. Indeed, he may be having one right now. (Scott Witt)

In case you missed it: Hillary Clinton sang old hymns at Grace United Methodist Church in Des Moines on Sunday. They took up two collections to get her to stop singing. Whenever Hillary sings she sounds like a cat on its way to the tennis racket factory. (Argus Hamilton)

Oprah is supporting Barrack Obama. When asked what he thought about Oprah and Obama, President Bush replied; “That’s fun to say when you get in a conga line: “Oprah and Obama, hah, Oprah and Obama, ho, Oprah and Obama, hey. ” (Alex Kaseberg)

I’m having fun watching Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney slug it out over which of the two former immigration-friendly candidates is now toughest on undocumented workers. It’s like watching Boy George and Richard Simmons in a slap-fight over who’s the manliest. (Patrick Gorse)

Mike Huckabee ripped President Bush Sunday for not speaking out about the Saudi rape victim who was sentenced to two hundred lashes. The president’s afraid to say anything. His father is so close to the Saudis that King Abdullah packs his parachute. (Argus Hamilton)

Maybe you heard. Things got heated during the Rrepublican debate between Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney. Well, heated for old, rich, white guys. It got so bad that members of Rudy and Mitt’s entourage engaged in a joint drive-by snubbing. (Alex Kaseberg)

GOP candidate Ron Paul was endorsed for president Saturday by a Nevada brothel owner. They aren’t far apart in their views. Ron Paul believes in an immediate pullout and the brothel owner is in favor of the customer having the full fifteen minutes. (Argus Hamilton)

A man who claimed to have a bomb strapped to his chest, took hostages at Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters in New Hampshire and demanded to talk to Senator Clinton. This was the scariest time for Hillary since the night Bill mistakenly took Viagra instead of Lipitor. (Alex Kaseberg)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush held a Middle East peace conference, resulting in Israelis and Arabs agreeing to have an accord by next year. They only had one day to reach a peaceful settlement. That’s as long as they could keep Dick Cheney in the hospital. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush praised Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf for announcing that he would quit the army, adding, “When I quit the National Guard I didn’t even give them notice.” (Andy Borowitz)

THE ADMINISTRATION

While visiting George Washington University Hospital for treatment of a persistent cough, Dick Cheney was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat which was stabilized with electric shock treatment. Actually, his doctors opted for a less invasive procedure to induce shock. They anesthetized him, woke him up, and told him he shot Sean Taylor while hunting. (Bob Mills)

Doctors have proved once and for all Dick Cheney has a heart. Not only that, it’s UL-listed, 110 volts, 15 amps. Just plug him in, he’s good to go. (Joe Hickman)

THE DEMOCRATS

Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Mass) said that writing his memoirs would be “challenging,” adding, “I can’t even remember what I did last night.” (Andy Borowitz)

The Boston Globe reported that Ted Kennedy is getting more than $8 million to write his autobiography. That would make Kennedy one of the highest paid politicians for writing a book. I hope that doesn’t go to his head. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CONGRESS

Senator David Vitter learned Monday he won’t have to testify against Washington D. C. madam Debbie Palfrey. She performs a public service. She offers senators the chance to end their careers without having to fly all the way to the Minneapolis airport. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

New York City is on track to have fewer than 500 murders this year, and of those, only 35 were committed by strangers to their victims. Apparently the city is getting much friendlier. (Jim Barach)

Six California high school cheerleaders were suspended for spelling out a message on their backsides. California is the only state where you get in trouble for wearing underwear, and become a media darling if you don’t. (Jim Barach)

Washington D.C. was named in a health survey Tuesday as having the highest rate of sexually transmitted diseases of any city in the United States. A proud congressman was heard saying “No helmets for the soldiers? No helmets for us either!” (Pedro Bartes)

Rodney King, whose videotaped police beating in 1991 led to deadly rioting, was hospitalized Thursday after being shot on a San Bernardino street corner. His wounds were not life-threatening. Police say he was spayed with birdshot from a shotgun. They don’t think it was a random shooting since Rodney looks nothing like a bird. But accidental shooting can’t be ruled out until they confirm where Dick Cheney was on Thursday. (Joe Hickman)

THE ARMED FORCES

According to USA Today, the Army is retrofitting 1 million uniforms to bolster pants that have been tearing in the crotch region during the rigors of fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. That happens when you put Karl Rove in charge of the outfit design. Unlike any of the soldiers, Rove has no balls. (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

OJ Simpson vehemently pleaded not guilty in Las Vegas to stealing sports memorabilia; in fact, his lawyers had a bold statement: “OJ did not steal that gear, so you all can stick it in your…” well, you got the idea. (Alex Kaseberg)

IRAQ

In a signed declaration, Iraqi Minister Nouri al-Maliki said that Iraq is ready to build a relationship with the U. S. in a sustainable way that protects mutual interests. Apparently they already gave the contracts to build that relationship to Halliburton. (Pedro Bartes)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

In London, they’ve introduced a text messaging service that tells cell phone users where the nearest public toilet is located. Which reminds us of an important feature that’s still missing from cell phones — a filter to hide the noise when you flush while conversing. (Scott Witt)

In a major repudiation of Bush and his policies, Australians overwhelmingly rejected Prime Minister John Howard at the polls and elected leftist Paul Rudd to replace him. Rudd immediately issued a statement that his first act as PM would be to withdraw all troops from Iraq and sign the Keyoto Protocol, leaving the US the lone holdout. Rudd means business. He’s even demanded that Bush return the Australian sheepskin seat cover on his bicycle. (Bob Mills)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Even though a peace agreement is a long way away, Israeli and Palestinian leaders did come to terms on a number of issues in Annapolis today. They’ve agreed on a special statement on the peace conference’s goals, timetables for further talks, and the fact that A-Rod is overpaid. (Jake Novak)

Saudi Arabian courts last week sentenced a female rape victim to ninety lashes for being alone with a man without a male relative present. The whipping was a public service message. Saudis want the world to know that they don’t just hate Jews. (Argus Hamilton)

Saudi Arabia’s Justice Minister defended his decision to sentence a rape victim to two hundred lashes Sunday. He said she was an adulteress who was asking for it. When you make a hundred dollars a barrel you think every woman you meet is a gold digger. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush welcomed delegates from forty nations Tuesday to his Middle East peace conference in Maryland. People just laughed. President Bush hosting a Middle East peace conference is like Malibu advertising itself as a sensible place to build. (Argus Hamilton)

Sudan jailed an English schoolteacher in Khartoum Tuesday after she supervised a classroom election in which the children voted to name a teddy bear Muhammed. She faces a possible forty lashes. That’s how opposed they are to elections in Sudan. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

To give you an idea how low the dollar is, Canadians are running south across our borders so fast to buy goods they are running into and knocking out the illegal immigrants running north from Mexico. (Alex Kaseberg)

Black Friday saw millions of shoppers stampede into malls the moment the doors opened Friday. People were glued to their TV sets. Everyone wants to know what’s going to happen at the Social Security office when the first Baby Boomers retire in January. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE

The good news that skin cells can be reprogrammed to mimic embryonic stem cells is bad news for the makers of Head & Shoulders Shampoo. It turns out that collecting dandruff can be a good thing. Head & Shoulders executives are scratching their heads trying to figure out what to do about it. (Scott Witt)

HEALTH

According to a study: If you are stressed-out while eating breakfast, you will be stressed-out all day. You know you’re stressed at breakfast if you argue with your Rice Krispies. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

A study says obesity can skew prostate cancer tests. How fat are we getting that doctors can’t find where to insert that finger? (Jim Barach)

A Spanish study says that beer is more beneficial after exercise than water. Unless you are drinking Coors, in which case it’s the same thing. (Jim Barach)

The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition published research Tuesday showing that women who drink moderate amounts of wine have healthier blood vessels. Wine is a wonderful thing for women. It raises their good cholesterol and lowers their standards. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

The New York Knicks snapped an eight-game losing streak with a win over the Bulls. Coach Isiah Thomas still thinks the defense gave up way too much – but enough about his court case. (Alan Ray)

Quarterback Tony Romo is dating Jessica Simpson. Dallas fans say that’s wonderful as long as he beats the Packers. (Ha Life)

The Miami Dolphins activated running back Ricky Williams on Monday following a 1 1/2-year suspension. He’s happy to come back. With the Dolphin’s records he can probably smoke marihuana and claim it is for medical purposes to cope with the pain. (Pedro Bartes)

The Miami Dolphins reinstated Ricky Williams Tuesday after he finished serving his NFL suspension. He’s a world-famous running back. The government of Colombia just decided to honor Ricky Williams by placing his photograph on the five-pound bale. (Argus Hamilton)

After a way-too-lengthy interview of Charles Barkley during the ABC telecast of the USC-Arizona State game, Sir Charles got a text message from Tiger Woods saying; “Will you shut up so I can watch the game?” This just in. CBS has announced that, when the writer’s strike is over, Tiger Woods will be named the head writer of “The Late Show with David Letterman.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Auburn beat Alabama Saturday in one of college football’s huge rivalries. After one long incomplete pass in the end zone, an Alabama police dog jumped out and bit the Auburn safety in the hand. To a dog, every football player looks like Michael Vick. (Argus Hamilton)

The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Miami Dolphins 3-0. Ricky Williams had 15 yards on six carries. On his last carry, Ricky slipped in the mud, injured his shoulder, fumbled, and was stepped on his back by a 300 pound lineman. Talk about a guy who needs to get stoned. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Miami Dolphins 3-0 with field goal in the last 17 seconds on a lumpy and sloppy field; the field was so wet, muddy, lumpy and slimy it was like watching Rosie O’Donnell mud wrestle Michael Moore. (Alex Kaseberg)

ENTERTAINMENT

Film stars Michael York, Stacey Keach, Louis Gossett, Jr., Terence Stamp and Oscar-winner Marisa Tomei voice the biblical characters in an audio CD of the King James version of the New Testament. Titled “Word of Promise,” the boxed set sells for $49.99. Major credit here goes to the William Morris Agency who, after decades of unsuccessful attempts, were finally able to sign Jesus as a client. After the Big Guy caved, the others quickly followed — Peter, Paul, Mary Magdalaine — who wanted to be billed on the promotional tour as “Peter, Paul and Mary,” but were dissuaded by Morris’s legal department which also was instrumental in convincing Moses that he couldn’t have his contract carved on stone tablets. (Bob Molls)

CELEBRITIES

Lance Armstrong is rumored to be romantically involved with Olsen Twin, Nancy. According to a reliable source, they met when he mistook her for one of his bikes and tried to mount her on the back of his SUV. (Bob Mills)

British tabloids said that Paul McCartney was spotted going out with Rosanna Arquette. The same papers reported three weeks ago that McCartney was going out with multi-millionaire, Nancy Shevell. And we all thought Heather Mills was the one hopping from relationship to relationship. (Pedro Bartes)

J. Robert Cade, the inventor of Gatorade, which has earned $150 million in royalties for the University of Florida where he was a researcher, has died at age 80. Bob will be cremated and, in accordance with his final wishes, his ashes will be dissolved in a tub of Gatorade and dumped on the winning coach at the Super Bowl. (Bob Mills)

Dr. Bob Kade, the man who invented Gatorade, has passed away at the age of 80. His family announced that his memorial service will be private and that his remains will be dumped over Bill Belichick. (Laughfish)

HISTORY

Richard Nixon’s tapes revealed Tuesday he almost appointed FBI agent Mark Felt to head the FBI. He’s the guy who leaked Watergate secrets as Deep Throat. Mark Felt had a lot of nerve claiming he was Deep Throat when the only thing he ever blew was the whistle. (Argus Hamilton)

HOLIDAYS

On organizers hailing this year’s Rockefeller Christmas tree as “enviro-friendly” because it’s using energy-efficient lights: That’s kind of like being proud that you harpooned a whale from a solar-powered boat. (Jake Novak)

BUSINESS

It was reported today that Victoria’s Secret clothes are made in sweatshops in Bangladesh. I guess we finally found out Victoria’s Secret. (Pedro Bartes)

McDonald’s has rolled out their new “McSkillet Burrito” which comes with a foil-wrapped packet of “McTums” or, with the supersized version, “McMaalox. ” (Bob Mills)

On Progressive Insurance offering insurance if a pet is injured or killed in a car crash: However, the policy is void if the pet is driving at the time of the accident. (Jim Barach)

2 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-01-07

  1. //President Bush praised Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf for announcing that he would quit the army, adding, “When I quit the National Guard I didn’t even give them notice.” (Andy Borowitz)//Good one.
    //The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition published research Tuesday showing that women who drink moderate amounts of wine have healthier blood vessels. Wine is a wonderful thing for women. It raises their good cholesterol and lowers their standards. (Argus Hamilton)// This guy is lucky, he is not in India. Somebody from some political party would have issued Fatwa against him.

  2. That was another funny one!!! Specially liked the last one!!! ROTFL!!! 😀

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