WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-08-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

According to the latest numbers, our country’s national debt is growing by $1 million every minute. The Bush administration called its best economists and came up with a solution to save money: A 23-hour day. (Pedro Bartes)

December 7 is Pearl Harbor Day. Senator Ted Kennedy always commemorates the occasion in a fitting way. He goes out and gets bombed. (Alan Ray)

A man who claimed to have a bomb strapped to his chest, took hostages at Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters in New Hampshire and demanded to talk to Senator Clinton. This was the scariest time for Hillary since the night Bill mistakenly took Viagra instead of Lipitor. (Alex Kaseberg)

In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 G. O.P. presidential race, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today named Jesus Christ as his vice-presidential running mate. “This could be huge for Huckabee,” said Stenson Partridge, a veteran G. O.P. consultant. “Among Republican voters, Jesus Christ is even more popular than Ronald Reagan.” The Reverend Pat Robertson, a supporter of former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, said “I talked to Jesus last night and He didn’t mention anything about it.” (Andy Borowitz)

Rudy Giuliani billed New York for police protection for both his wife and his mistress seven years ago. He was sleeping with two women while recovering from prostate surgery. The Mitchell Report is expected to name sixty-four ballplayers and one mayor. (Argus Hamilton)

Porn star Mary Carey, who ran for governor of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger, is auctioning off her autographed, recently removed breast implants. It is not an uncommon idea; boobs in politics have been on sale for years in congress, ask lobbyists… (Pedro Bartes)

Ted Kennedy has signed a deal to write his autobiography. Although Kennedy is a little sensitive about including the word “auto” in his “biography”. (Jim Barach)

The Pope, is purging all modern music from the Vatican. The Pope is especially adamant that the priests give up their two favorite bands Boyz II Men and the Backstreet Boys. (Alex Kaseberg)

Hillary Clinton attacked Barack Obama during her speech in Iowa. The frontrunner is fading, the challenger can’t win, and the guys with all the talent can’t get any votes. This isn’t a presidential race, it’s the college football rankings. (Argus Hamilton)

On a feral cat which survived 19 days with its head stuck in a jar: That’s nothing. President Bush has survived living in a bubble since 2004. (Pedro Bartes)

New Jersey is preparing to scrap the death penalty next week. It makes sense, they’ve been outsourcing the death penalty to the private sector for years. (Alex Kaseberg)

Britney Spears again tops the list of the most frequent searches on Yahoo, but it’s not because she’s popular — it’s just that the confused performer keeps trying to find herself. (Scott Witt)

The government in Brazil is putting condom dispensing machines in public school restrooms to combat AIDS. If it works, it may be tried in the U.S., only they will be placed in the teachers’ lounge. (Jim Barach)

THE CANDIDATES

Hillary Clinton suggested Monday that Barack Obama has too little experience and perhaps too much ambition. Hey, it worked for George W. Bush. (Joe Hickman).

Republican Mike Huckabee is getting huge laughs telling Jesus jokes and Hillary jokes. The presidential candidate came out of nowhere. The best guess is he’s just another striking comedy writer trying to get a job with health insurance. (Argus Hamilton)

Mike Huckabee pulled close to Rudy Giuliani in the national GOP presidential polls Sunday. He regales crowds with very funny Hillary jokes and Jesus jokes. Rudy has plenty of great material too, but Mafia jokes have a limited appeal in South Carolina. (Argus Hamilton)

In the Republican debate, [Mitt] Romney washboards [John] McCain; candidates reach consensus gay aliens should be tortured after they finish the lawn. (Michael Feldman)

Most of the young viewers of the CNN/YouTube Republican debate were disappointed with Rudi Giuliani. Not so much for his performance, but rather because he didn’t mention 9/11 that often ruining their 9/11 drinking game. (Pedro Bartes)

Rudy Giuliani was revealed Wednesday to have billed New York agencies for security expenses as mayor when he visited the Hamptons to cheat on his wife with mistress Judi. The bill went to the Department of Procurement. They’ll never get him for lying. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani dropped like a rock in the national polls Monday as his scandals began to catch up with him. They involve adultery, cronyism and public payroll padding. As a result, he is running fifth among Republicans but he leads all Democrats. (Argus Hamilton)

Who said Democrats are the big spenders? Rudy Giuliani apparently billed taxpayers for the cost of his security detail traveling to Southampton while he dallied with his then-mistress, Judith Nathan. At least with Bill Clinton, the Secret Service didn’t have to leave the White House. (Janice Hough)

Hillary Clinton gave a speech Thursday at the huge Saddleback Church in Orange County. The evangelicals could do little but applaud politely. The Santa Ana winds had caused the fire marshals to declare a red flag alert, which means no witch burning. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton’s campaign office in New Hampshire was taken hostage Friday by a drunken individual who wanted to talk to Hillary. When asked about the incident, Bill commented that sometimes he also needs to be drunk to want to talk Hillary. (Pedro Bartes)

A madman attempted to take hostages at former Sen. Fred Thompson’s campaign headquarters in Rochester, New Hampshire, but found that everyone had been given the week off. (Andy Borowitz)

Joe Biden said Thursday he’s tired of his Democratic rivals for president saying he would make a great Secretary of State. He said he won’t accept that job under any circumstances. The last thing he wants to do is sleep with Hillary Clinton. (Argus Hamilton)

The Democratic candidates continue to argue about their health plans. Responding to those who want to include illegal aliens, Dennis Kucinich said that’s not good enough, all aliens should be included, especially his supporters from outer space. (Scott Witt)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Defending his credibility, President Bush said Tuesday that Iran is dangerous and must be squeezed by despite a blockbuster intelligence finding that Tehran halted its nuclear weapons program four years ago. The President also warned we have to watch Rhode Island. If they ever got weapons of mass destruction, they could wipe out Connecticut overnight. And then, who knows? Can’t argue with that. (Joe Hickman)

President Bush attended Monday night a black-tie White House holiday ball for all three branches of government. The only person absent was Dick Cheney who decided to go hunting instead. Apparently Cheney invited several US intelligence officials as hunting buddies. (Pedro Bartes)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Karl Rove today said that George Bush’s presidency would have been a great success if Democrats had not forced Bush to make countless numbers of flawed decisions that have led the country down the path toward national disaster. “We wouldn’t have invaded Iraq, we would have saved New Orleans, we would have staffed FEMA,” said Rove. “It’s all the Democrats’ fault.” Rove went on to say that if voters wanted a change from the disastrous Bush years, they’d have to vote Republican. “It’s sad how these Democrats mishandled the Bush Presidency.” (Tom Burka)

THE CONGRESS

Senator Larry Craig was named by five more men Sunday who say they had sex with him in restrooms, initiated by the same hand signals he gave in Minnesota. He’s just following the oldest rule in show business. If you have an act, you will always work. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

On the New York theater strike:So from now on, anyone you see singing and dancing on the streets outside the theater is actually a crazy person. (Jake Novak)

THE ARMED FORCES

The Federal Budget Office revealed Tuesday that U. S. forces will not be leaving Iraq any time soon because, we spent so much on the war, we can’t afford to bring them home. Only a few hundred troops can afford to pay their own way. Several reportedly will try to swim. Back home, support groups are collecting funds to do all they know to do — send the troops lottery tickets. (Joe Hickman)

IRAN

President Bush said that the fact that US intelligence confirmed that Iran ended its nuclear weapons program in 2003 would not prompt him to take off the table the possibility of pre-emptive military action against Iran. On the contrary, now that we know Iran doesn’t have nuclear weapons, it makes easier to attack them. (Pedro Bartes)

THE SUBCONTINENT

To appease critics of his dual role, Pakistan’s President Musharraf stepped down as Army chief and turned in his military uniform during a formal ceremony in Islamabad. In an uncharacteristic show of support for the move, Bush donated that phony pilot’s uniform he wore during his “Mission Accomplished” speech to the Salvation Army. (Bob Mills)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says CNN is instigating his murder after captioning his picture with “Who killed him?”. Being murdered on CNN would be the prefect crime. No witnesses. (Jim Barach)

Hugo Chavez’s national referendum seeking to limit press freedom, end property rights and nationalize the banks lost in Venezuela Sunday. Fidel Castro has to be disappointed. Five years of mentoring the guy and he’s still putting things to a vote. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

The peace negotiators in Annapolis decided to meet again in a month. The message: Keep hopelessness alive. (Mark Russell)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

The White House is urging a probe of alleged Russian election violations. The election was won by Vladimir Putin’s party with 63% of the vote. President Bush wants to know why Republican-rigged elections win by such small margins. (Jim Barach)

Vladimir Putin’s political party has won parliamentary elections in Russia. They claim a clear mandate. In the entire election campaign they didn’t have to poison one opponent. (Alan Ray)

The election victory of Russian dictator Vladimir Putin’s party could revive the Cold War between east and west. But it’s not as bad as it sounds. Putin claims the Cold War would offset global warming (Scott Witt)

President Bush is concerned about recent Russian political arrests at peaceful rallies. Bush asks why they don’t just ban people from protesting in the first place like he does? (Jim Barach)

THE ECONOMY

The national debt has now ballooned to about $30,000 for each man, woman, child and infant in the United States… which is why the best thing we can do to lower everyone’s share is to keep importing illegal immigrants. (Jake Novak)

According to the latest numbers, our country’s national debt is growing $1 million every minute. The national debt is almost growing as fast as the number of people that claim to have had sex with Larry Craig. (Pedro Bartes)

SCIENCE

Archeologists in the ancient city of Herculaneum near Pompeii have found in the ruins of the Villa dei Papari, the home of Julius Caesar’s father-in-law, what they believe is the first known example of a Roman throne. Above the stall in which it’s located is carved the Latin inscription: “Ad Hoc Siteo Locationum Creigiatus Laurencio.” Which in English is: “Larry Craig Sat Here.” (Bob Mills)

HEALTH

Airports in Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Newark and San Francisco now offer flu shots to arriving and departing passengers. And those whose security x-rays show a sprain or inflammation may qualify for a Cortisone shot. (Bob Mills)

Natural honey is a more effective remedy for children’s coughs than over-the-counter medicines, according to a study commissioned by the National Association of Bees. (Andy Borowitz)

Hospitals across the country are reporting an increase in cases of “anesthesia awareness,” incidents in which surgery patients wake up, are unable to signal their distress, and later report a feeling of being “buried alive.” Or, as Bush’s attorney general nominee would describe it — “water boarding.” (Bob Mills)

THE WEATHER

A snow storm has inundated New York State. Talk about dangerous roadways. There hasn’t been this much veering from left to right since Hillary Clinton’s last campaign stop. (Alan Ray)

SPORTS

The BCS computer chose Ohio State and LSU to play for the national championship instead of USC and Oklahoma. How insane is it? The BCS computer just took Hillary Clinton’s campaign office hostage in an attempt to get the mental health care it needs. (Argus Hamilton)

Arkansas State’s leading scorer, Adrian Banks, was suspended by his coach, Dickey Nutt, for Banks arrest for firing off a gun in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Banks claims he found the gun in a nightclub after a fight broke out and he shot all the bullets into the air so nobody would get shot. (Alex Kaseberg)

Two people say they were hit by shotgun pellets fired by Bobby Knight in Texas. Nobody even knew Knight was interested in running for Vice President. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

“I Am Legend” opens in theaters this month. Will Smith is a scientist with the antidote for a virus threatening the planet. Trouble is most insurance companies consider it experimental medicine. (Alan Ray)

Miss California has to give up her crown because the judges added up the scores wrong. That’s what happens when you invite Miss Teen South Carolina and four beauty pageant [contestant’s] as judges (Pedro Bartes)

THE MEDIA

Jay Leno agreed Sunday to pay eighty laid-off Tonight Show staffers out of his own pocket this week. He faced a staff mutiny. Jay tried to tell them that as a Writers’ Guild member he wasn’t allowed to write checks, but they weren’t buying it. (Argus Hamilton)

A newspaper published Sunday interviews with eight men that claimed to have had sex with Larry Craig. You see what happens when Broadway goes on strike? Gay people have nothing better to do than to start talking to papers. (Pedro Bartes)

Don Imus returned to the radio airwaves Monday over WABC New York. The country is giving him a clean slate. The fact that he has hired two black sidekicks lets everybody know that he is a changed man and will only tell Mexican jokes from now on. (Argus Hamilton)

Don Imus returned to the airwaves Monday on WABC in New York City with a new female black co-host and a male black sport reporter. I can’t wait for Imus to make a stupid remark about a Latino soccer team, because my buddy, Jose, and I are in desperate need of a good paying job. (Pedro Bartes)

Don Imus was back on air Monday from his new station WABC in New York. He will be broadcasting right across the street from the corporate offices of the New York Knicks. It makes the neighborhood one-stop shopping for women who want to be insulted. (Argus Hamilton)

Don Imus obviously won’t disparage any women’s basketball teams, but the enemies who got him fired are fair game, and maybe he’ll call them “sappy-headed foes.” (Scott Witt)

CELEBRITIES

After bitterly condemning the press for falsely labeling her a porno queen, more explicit photos of “Dancing with the Stars” Heather Mills have, shall we say, opened up? How open? If Heather’s legs were spread any wider we could’ve read her mind. Who could have guessed that Heather would make Yoko the nice Beatle wife? (Alex Kaseberg)

Kiefer Sutherland was sentenced Wednesday to 48 days in jail in his drunken driving case, prosecutors said Wednesday. The actor immediately demanded to be tortured in jail, because with the writers strike he is in desperate need of new material for his TV show. (Pedro Bartes)

In his new book, “Think Big and Kick Ass,” Donald Trump advises readers: “When somebody screws you, screw them back in spades.” A rule that doesn’t apply, apparently, to his barber. (Bob Mills)

World Series of Poker three-time champion Chip Reese died Wednesday in his Las Vegas home at the age of fifty-six. He was one of the greatest bluffers in history. It was three days before anyone would believe he was really dead. (Argus Hamilton)

Stephen King is suggesting that Jenna Bush be waterboarded so President Bush would know exactly what it is like. Jenna says if it’s anything like drinking shooters while hanging upside down on spring break, bring it on! (Jim Barach)

RELIGION

With an $84 million priest pedophile settlement hanging around its ecclesiastical neck, the Roman Catholic archdiocese of Boston has deeded the three-story mansion formerly occupied by disgraced Cardinal Bernard Law to Boston College. Which plans to convert it into a “Museum of Shame and Penance,” in which tourists will be able to visit His Excellency’s “War Room” complete with maps showing the secret locations of priests he “re-assigned” to avoid prosecution.

EDUCATION

U.S. 4th graders have lost ground in reading compared with children around the world. Education experts are not too worried. It’s not like that would keep them from ever being President. (Jim Barach)

A survey of 400,000 15-year olds in 57 countries administered by the Program for International Assessment of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development found that youths in South Korea lead the world in reading skills while those in Taiwan excel in mathematics and Finland leads in science. US students were not entirely shut out, however, placing first in video gaming, cell phone text messaging, recreational binge drinking and hanging out. (Bob Mills)

CULTURE

The Senator Larry Craig doll was introduced in toy stores nationwide on Monday, just in time for holiday gift buyers. We will never know if there’s any lead paint on this doll. Anybody who gets lead poisoning will just say he got it from a transfusion. (Argus Hamilton)

HISTORY

Among the 100,000 pages of newly-released records compiled during the presidency of Richard Nixon, researchers have discovered evidence that Mark Felt, the FBI agent who was later identified as “Deep Throat,” was briefly considered by Nixon to be named successor to J. Edgar Hoover. Unfortunately, his wardrobe wasn’t suitable for the job. Nothing but men’s clothing. (Bob Mills)

Former Senator Henry Hyde who oversaw the Republican drive to impeach Bill Clinton, later admitting his own adulterous affair which he described as “a youthful indiscretion,” died at age 83. In Hank’s memory, the GOP plans to award Hank, posthumously, their coveted Larry Craig Hypocrite of the Year Award. (Bob Mills)

HOLIDAYS

The Christmas season has begun. Why isn’t “The Nutcracker” ever performed on Capitol Hill? They’re afraid Senator Larry Craig might go after the nuts. (Alan Ray)

POLLS & STUDIES

The New York Daily News has released its “50 Dumbest People in Hollywood” list with Lindsay Lohan topping the list. Britney Spears demanded a recount. Paris Hilton would have been on the list but she totally messed-up her application. (Alex Kaseberg)

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