TWELVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT WOMEN

I have this incredible tectonic, platonic love for women, as readers of this blog must have sensed by now. However, there are certain things about certain women that put me off.

1. Women with dirty navels: The ultimate revulsion. This hatred must be something I got from the time I was attached to an umbilical cord! As a laparoscopic surgeon, I am, um, bilious about the unclean umbilicus, one that strikes a chord in me.

2. Women with garlic or onion in their breath: this is a real no-brainer. Who likes ‘em? If a girl smells leek this, I spring away: my light bulb movement. As far as these women are concerned, I know my onions.

3. Women with male genitals: I somehow can’t seem to gonad gomad about their confusing plumbing system.

4. Bad English: call me snobbish, but I like women who speak good English, and have long been a lingo-raj for the Queen, her English, I mean! I have no problems with women who don’t speak English at all.

5. Women who can get hysterical: Hysteria is, etymologically, a disease which springs from the woman’s uterus (hysteros). I believe it. A hysterical woman is bad all the way inside. Avoid, dude!

6. Obsessively clean women: Married to one myself, I can speak on this with messive authority. They have a reason to find fault with you for every little thing you do:
“Why have you kept the chocolate wrappers and the orange peels on the bed? There are ants all over the place!” Well, idiotic, won’t you say? As if I invited all the ants over for dessert or something!

mess.jpg

“Why are you eating here? Look how much of sauce you have spilt here. Oh, my Gawd, you have kept the banana peel and the apple core on the table, like this? How horribly dirty you are! Get up, get up right now, that glass of water is just going to fall!”

You get the idea. She could drive me up the wall. Only that I can’t climb it because a bowl of soup landed on it last night as I was showing my son how to hit an extra-cover drive, forgetting that the bat was a bowl of soup, and a large one at that. She asked me, as the tallest member of the family, to clean it, but I told her, “Are you kiddin’ me? With Yuvraj batting like this?! Tomorrow is a Sunday, and tell me then.” This morning, she has been after my ass to complete the job, but it’s amazing how inconsiderate and lacking in understanding some women can be, isn’t it? Sourav Ganguly is batting now, I have three newspapers to read (with their supplements), I have so many blogs to visit, so many comments to defend, so many mails to read. Sigh. It will take me till lunchtime to get free. After which I will do it. Only if there is no movie I am forced to watch….

7. Organised women: Yes, once again, as one married to an organised woman, I can tell you they are serious risk factors for one’s healthy heart rate and rhythm. You keep a very hot phone number, flavored with a wee hint of lipstick, which you have jotted down on the reverse of a bill for the petrol you bought last week, and when you want to find it next week, it is not there. Why? The obsessive organiser has thrown it into the trash! How much injustice does a man have to suffer, tell me?! One can’t live life if one’s important phone numbers are trashed as if they have no importance in one’s own house. I have decided not to take this lying down. From now on, I am going to start writing the numbers on the wall with my son’s crayons. Let’s see what she does about that!

Are you actually thinking of asking me to get an organiser or diary? Huh. Silly things don’t work, and diaries are for sissies, anyways. No man with baseline levels of testosterone will ever stop writing on chits of paper, leaving them in the organised free market of his study table.

8. Jewelry-obsessed women: I am fine with a woman wearing a single pendant on a silk or leather thread. But never trust a woman who buys gold and diamonds on the specious plea that they are investments for the future. Never. If ever you get to the future and wish to redeem your investment, said woman and attached mother will rain on you like popcorn from a fat man choking on a mouthful when sitting behind you at a movie. Sell off jewelry?! Dhishhum, dhishhum! Bang! Crrash!!

9. Young women with BO: I have, over the years, learned to distinguish the various types of body odor in women and men. I will, perhaps, classify them one day for posterity. Readers may recall my earlier olfactory ordeals.
The typical BO is one of honest sweat, accentuated by local global warming. It is redolent of acidic, even rancid flavors (like French Blue Cheese), and goes well with crackers and wine, or even as a dressing. I meant the cheese, not the girl. Talking of which, these girls seem to be fond of fish, and avoid vegetables, too, for balance. Any woman who leaves an elevator before I enter it has it, somehow. Medical representatives, girls working in malls, girls assisting dentists, etc. are some of the brand ambassadors of BO.

10. The Delhi Police type of woman:
Imagine me sitting in the bedroom with my Mac, and WonderWoman comes in and asks me to shift because it needs dusting and cleaning. Once I shift to the den and start watching the cricket match, she comes in and says that the curtains and sheets are going to be changed, and I need to shift somewhere else. How inconsiderate can a woman be! A man can’t rest in peace without being treated like a hawker on the streets of Kolkata driven from road to road by a corrupt cop?!

11. The dirty, unorganised woman: A woman with chipped nails or one that throws things around carelessly, is just not my type. An irritating thing about her is her cell phone. She gets a call, and it rings inside her large handbag. One can then see, while the strains of a Hindi song call-her tune fill the room increasingly threateningly, the entire contents of the handbag: comb, papers, a coin purse, lipstick, compact case, migraine pills, spare sanitary pad, keys with extra-large keychain of Popeye (or Garfield or Mickey or Jerry), before the cellphone is dug out by its bejewelled chain. Why can’t these ladies keep the phone where they can always find them before driving others crazy with their bad taste in music? Where would they keep it, you ask? Why, they could hang it around the neck, so that the phone rests in the inter-mammary fold, always accessible….

ego-booster1.jpg
(pic: http://femailcreations.com/products/sku-51402.html)

12. A submissive woman: A woman of character should make up her own mind. She doesn’t act as a Yes-girl for her husband or her father. Supposed to be an endangered species in urban India. I have, somehow, never met this species of womanhood. All the women who have loved me have been on top of their relationship, nice, submissive guy that I am!

If I have missed out, tell me about it, guys! Ladies, what are your reactions?

41 responses to “TWELVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT WOMEN

  1. I feel your pain, man. 🙂

  2. @ Ottayan you will share the hate mails along with rambodoc. He has offended all women. He has risked talking about the Delhi Police types!!Kiran Bedi is still in serevice.Most of our women constables are from Haryana and you can’t imagine how abusive they can be when they are upset.
    You don’t like organised women, you don’t like the unorganised ones either.
    You don’t like submissive women, you don’t like the hysterical ones.
    Not liking jewellery obsessed women is fine-that suits you.You can spend all the money saved on your gadgets.
    I always thought bad odour was a male disodour.
    Garlic and onions put off both males and females so point accepted.
    As a surgeon you have an access to dirty and clean both kinds of navels so you have a right to talk about them , I don’t think you have a choice although.You have to treat them both so my heart felt sympathies.

  3. Forgot the smiley, Prerna? Or are you seriously pissed off?
    🙂

  4. Very funny post! I wasn’t sure if you were serious about it all, but I have to say as a certified vahine, I agree with you. Some of the things you hate would also apply to my girlfriends and men as a whole. I especially hate neat-freaks who nag!!! And materialistic types.
    (These qualities describe some female family members.)
    Let me end on a positive note: what women DO like (well, maybe just me): baldness (but you have to have the hair first, then shave it off), intelligence and curiosity in many fields, and be successful in your career, but modest about success. Good at debate. Not easily intimidated. Don’t talk too much. Can build a house with your bare hands. Ok, that last one is asking too much these days :-))).

  5. Umm..once I figure out if you were serious or just joking, I shall comment appropriately, Rambodoc 🙂
    For your own good, I hope you were joking..the balcony would not be a comfortable place to sleep in, especially without a pillow, would it?

  6. Oh, forgot to add… perhaps your wife could call me for some ideas on “better” alternatives to having you sleep in the balcony?

  7. doc,
    you seem to have learnt nothing from your cell-mate Anil! let me know when you start looking for a divorce lawyer. i know a few hungry ones who’ll jump at a medico’s divorce case 🙂

  8. Haha, this post is completely amazing. It almost felt like my dad was writing number 6 and 7. My mum is the exact same, exact same I tell you.

  9. As a fellow puzhu [worm = husband for the non-Tamil speakers], I am totally with you on 6 & 7. And I hope Lakshmi doesn’t come back here to check on other comments. She has my wife’s phone number.

  10. All of these problems with women can be solved by the simple purchase of an Acme Latex Love Doll, Rambodoc. I recommend the Model #2035, the one with the self-flaring nostrils.

  11. Hahaha, Paul! have you proposed to her yet??
    😀

  12. Vijay, I am making that call today.

  13. For your own safety and security, I do hope that this was in good humour!! 😛

    Actually it isnt the fault of women, men really do not know most of the times what kind of women they like or want. They are so confused, they confuse everyone around them! Just like you…

    You do not like women who are organised nor women who are disorganised! Hmmppfff!! And some people have the audacity to say that women are complicated!!

  14. I think I know why you blog anonymously. 🙂
    Overall I think all all this thing about ‘men’ and ‘women’ is bullshit. You like people or you don’t.

  15. After I wrote that comment I realised it could be subject to misinterpretation. And we don’t want the eyes of some argumentative souls to gleam, do we now!
    So I want to clarity that my previous comment is a reaction to this particular post, and is not a general statement. I felt some of the points applied equally to both men and women.

  16. doc,
    now you should list twelve things that you love about women. then, from the comments we’ll be able to tell the feminists apart 😉

  17. Lol, now just because my dad says that doesn’t mean you’ve got to be his age too 😛 He’s been saying that ever since I’ve known him, which is around 18 years now.

  18. TRF,
    Yes, I agree. The trap is set!
    🙂
    Ish,
    🙂
    Nita,
    So are you now on record that you dislike men with dirty navels and ambiguous genitalia?
    😀

  19. Nova,
    The tags, the tags….. How else could I give you the chance to get the better of me unless I willfully commit these for criticism?
    🙂

  20. Oh, but one man’s poison is another’s meat didn’t you know? 🙂
    Frankly I simply love my husband’s sweat! I find it a great turn-on! I think this is the most scandalous thing I have ever said on the internet!
    What I dislike though are people who yell and scream, whether men or women. In women it’s called hysteria but in men I am sure it’s called something better.

  21. On second thoughts, actually I have a good friend who yells and screams and she is a gem of a person!
    A calm person can be vicious too you know in a mean underhand way. It’s the total person you got to think about!

  22. Ha ha Nita! You made some good points, and funny ones too.
    @ Anonymous Doc-blogger 🙂 see what you’ve started with your readers.
    There is no perfect person, I suppose, unless you get Paul’s love doll, but she will no doubt be too silent, lack personality, and most troubling, require occasional maintenance with an airpump :-)))) but at least body odour and talking too much will not be a problem. And no jewelry to buy…. shall we pitch in and get you one as a gift to keep you company while you sleep on the balcony?

  23. Too funny! You don’t like them organized OR disorganized! And seriously now, dirty navels? *LOL*

    Rambodoc … does your wife read your blog? 😉

  24. Moof,
    You bet! Who can resist reading my blog now?! Even straight-laced Nita reads it!
    😀

  25. “In women it’s called hysteria but in men I am sure it’s called something better.”
    Nita:
    A Cafetaria?!

  26. Rambodoc:

    Nita asked: “In women it’s called hysteria but in men I am sure it’s called something better.”

    I am surprised you said what you did; with your penchant for puns, I was thinking you may say it is called ‘penisia’ – the remedy for all ills, the thinking organ of most men.

  27. .. and that is the most scandalous thing _I_ have said on the internet. Hmm.

  28. “the thinking organ of most men.”
    I think I am very innocent. My thoughts went only up to the cafetaria….

  29. Doc, you ought to be given the “Most triggering blogger” award…

    You made Shefaly and Nita say things they never have on the internet!!!! Hmmmm… 🙂

  30. Editing reqd in the above statement. Please make that “Most triggering blogger”

  31. Actually you like women a hellavua lot. Like a good gent you allow their fastidiousness, indulge their petulances, enjoy their caprices, admire their beauty, dally with their intelligence but act picky about iky inconsequentials.
    This is seriously not Rambodoc’s.
    Good try though.

  32. Pingback: TWELVE INDIAN WOMEN I LOVE « A Twist of Word and Mind

  33. LOL stuff. You hate so many kinds of women I wonder who is left. You hate the ones with BO I hate the ones with Too much Perfume. I wrote a post on that a few days back title Pour Femme. Now, Off to read your new post that led me to this one.

  34. Shit Doc, you write bloody damn well. Love your posts. Couldn’t agree with the “man’s” point of view, feminists be damned.

  35. Dinesh Babu and Shades of Grey:
    Thanks for the appreciation. I hope we continue to meet in the virtual world.

  36. Really nice posts. I will be checking back here regularly.

  37. This is a really big list of thing to hate!

  38. Not all of us are like that we have moments but we alos have crazy moments just some of us

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