WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-15-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Bush administration is hammering out an agreement to freeze interest rates for five years on subprime mortgages to prevent foreclosures. Republicans are very concerned about losing their houses – specifically the White House and both Houses of Congress in the next election. (Jim Barach)

Michael Vick’s agent Leigh Steinberg expressed hope Tuesday that Mike Vick can return to the NFL after prison. The agent also represents Ricky Williams. Only the American voter can claim to have a worse record judging character than Leigh Steinberg. (Argus Hamilton)

Starbucks stores in Studio City and Sherman Oaks are considering a ban on Britney Spears because of all the commotion and disruption to their customers caused when she pops into their shops. They’ve put up a new sign,” No Shoes, No Shirt, No Underwear, No Service.” (Patrick Gorse)

In response to the controversy over the CIA’s waterboarding videotapes, President Bush reaffirmed his Administration’s opposition to videotaping. (Andy Borowitz)

Barry Bonds has pleaded not guilty to perjury. He also says he wants to play in 2008. He may not be a Yankee, but he has a good chance of wearing stripes next year. (Jim Barach)

The Pope will visit Washington next April. His Holiness will meet with President Bush — and maybe get a few tips on that infallibility thing. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

There was a surprise in the Mitchell Report on steroids in baseball; Due to their late-season collapse, Mitchell recommended that the New York Mets take more performance enhancing drugs. (Alex Kaseberg)

Jack Nicholson told an interviewer Monday he may have sired over nine thousand children due to his lecherous lifestyle in the last fifty years. It’s not that big a deal. He only hears from them when the Lakers are winning and they all want tickets. (Argus Hamilton)

CIA

The Bush administration says the CIA destroyed terrorist interrogation tapes to protect the identities of the interrogators. You know how gung-ho this administration is about protecting the identity of CIA agents. Just ask Valerie Plame. (Patrick Gorse)

The CIA created more controversy today by acknowledging that it accidentally returned several interrogation tapes to Blockbuster. (Andy Borowitz)

The CIA has destroyed two tapes of harsh interrogation of suspected terrorists. The CIA says they were afraid the tapes would be leaked and the agents identities would be revealed. Apparently CIA officials wanted to make sure the tapes never fell into the hands of Robert Novak. (Jim Barach)

The Justice Department and the CIA have launched a joint investigation of the alleged destruction of hundreds of hours of video tapes showing al-Qaeda terrorists undergoing what the CIA euphemistically refers to as “enhanced interrogation.” Bush disclaims knowledge of the deletions, but is characteristically vague about when he was told about them. Teddy Kennedy calls the disappearing tapes “worse than Nixon’s missing 18 1⁄2 minutes.” Whew, that was a bad week for professional torturers. Bush and his henchmen under the microscope and Jack Bauer sent to jail. (Bob Mills)

THE CANDIDATES

Iowa presidential candidates canceled all events Tuesday due to the below-zero temperatures. It fulfilled one prophecy. A month ago everyone said Mike Huckabee would have to walk across the Mississippi River in order to beat Mitt Romney in Iowa. (Argus Hamilton)

Newt Gingrich told ABC News Sunday that he would run for vice president if the GOP nominee asked him. Newt Gingrich would be a perfect running mate for Rudy Giuliani. Between the two of them, they would be just sixty wives behind King Solomon. (Argus Hamilton)

Oprah Winfrey campaigned for Barack Obama at an Iowa stadium Saturday. They’re a great team. Every time Barack Obama made a point about health care, education or foreign policy, Oprah would rattle a set of car keys and the crowd would go crazy. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain says making health insurance mandatory is like making it mandatory for people to buy a house. Of course, getting ill with no health insurance means you can say goodbye to your house anyway. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton fired two volunteers Sunday for passing along a hoax e-mail saying Barack Obama is a Muslim who plans to destroy America. Slandering him is a challenge for bigots. They tried to accuse him of fathering a black child but he didn’t deny it. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani said Sunday he won’t give up his lucrative ownership of the Giuliani Partners consulting firm to become president. His pollsters advised him to look remorseful. Democrats believe it’s okay to be rich as long as you just feel awful about it. (Argus Hamilton)

Mike Huckabee angered Mormons when he told the New York Times he thinks Mormons believe Jesus and Satan are brothers. He should lay off complex theological questions. It’s hard enough for Americans to believe that George and Jeb are brothers.” (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani’s former mistress and third wife Judi Nathan reportedly got police escorts a year before his second wife even knew about her. Rudy’s first wife was his cousin. All Rudy can say is that the Mormon faith may dictate how he lives, but not how he governs. (Argus Hamilton)

Under pressure to explain his religious faith to the American people, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama delivered a forty-five minute speech Sunday discussing his belief in Oprah Winfrey. (Andy Borowitz)

PRESIDENT BUSH

The White House released President Bush’s list of holiday pardons Tuesday. The president pardoned carjackers and moonshiners and cocaine dealers and marijuana growers. He does whatever it takes to make sure the NFL can field twenty-eight teams. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she questions the openness of Iran. However, the reasons for her questioning Iran were immediately labeled “classified” and were then destroyed. (Jim Barach)

THE DEMOCRATS

In Iowa City Monday night, Bill Clinton was heckled by a man dressed as a robot. Out of habit he responded, “Yes, Hillary.” (Janice Hough)

Senator Teddy Kennedy just signed the richest publishing deal in history to write his autobiography and have it ready for release in two years. The book itself could save lives. In case of an emergency it can be used as a flotation device. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

Congress is probing the credit card industry about abusive practices. Having Congress investigate massive credit debt is like Paris Hilton helping Britney Spears become less of a skank. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

A luxury Deli in New York, Balducci’s, advertised a special on Ham for Hanukkah. What’s next? Wonder Bread and Mayo for Kwanza? (Alex Kaseberg)

That pregnant Toledo, OH attorney who was reported missing, showed up, and claimed she’d been kidnapped, has recanted her story. I know what you’re thinking. Lawyers are allowed to procreate? (Bob Mills)

Las Vegas has allocated $15 million to create a Mob Museum to honor members of the Mafia who founded the desert oasis. Expected to be a real crowd pleaser is the “Offers That Couldn’t be Refused” wing which will feature wall-mounted severed horses’ heads. (Bob Mills)

SECURITY

So there were no WMD’s in Iraq. Iran isn’t pursuing nuclear weapons. President Bush is pen-pals with Kim Jong-IL. The Axis of Evil is in its last throes. (Patrick Gorse)

IRAN

President Bush said that even though U. S. intelligence has confirmed that Iran ended its nuclear weapons program in 2003, it would not prompt him to take off the table the possibility of pre-emptive military action. In fact, now that we know Iran doesn’t have nuclear weapons, it makes it much easier to attack them. (Pedro Bartes)

THE U. N. & INTERNATIONAL

The United Nations Global Warming Conference is underway on the island of Bali. It’s located in the Indonesian archipelago. Who else but the United Nations would go to a tropical island in December and then complain about warm weather. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE

Divers with the Hawaii Undersea Research Laboratory have discovered an unknown reef that is the home of what they believe may be a new species of deep sea sponge. They were stunned when they noticed that it appears to be wearing square pants. Former Kansas City horsehide hurler Mark Lytell has invented what he claims is a safer, more comfortable athletic cup that sells for $19.95 and is named the “Nutty Buddy.” A top-of-the-line model in solid platinum is available at Tiffany’s in their Family Jewels section. (Bob Mills)

HEALTH

A study says most men under 40 who suffer from erectile dysfunction suffer from psychological problems. The psychological problem they suffer from is erectile dysfunction. (Jim Barach)

Anthropologists at the University of Texas have discovered that pregnant women have specially adapted lower back and hip joints not present in males that keep the prospective moms from falling forward. The study also showed strategically positioned shoulder blades on females which allow them the carry heavy shopping bags, fully loaded, virtually indefinitely. (Bob Mills)

THE WEATHER

The Weather Channel reported Monday that ice storms cut power lines and closed schools in the Midwest. Ice was an inch thick on the roads. It was so cold in Iowa that people were showing up at Mike Huckabee rallies just for the fire and brimstone. (Argus Hamilton)

A deadly winter storm brought snow and sleet to the Northeast on Thursday. All over New England this morning folks are making themselves steaming hot bowls of oatmeal — then sticking their feet in it! (Joe Hickman)

SPORTS

John Daly hired coach Butch Harmon Tuesday to travel with him on tour and work on his swing. What does he need with a swing coach? John Daly is already addicted to alcohol, gambling, food and nicotine, how is wife-swapping going to help his game? (Argus Hamilton)

Forbes named the New York Knicks Friday as the NBA’s richest franchise, worth six hundred million dollars. The team ownership is up for grabs. With NBA coaches wearing microphones now, the team will be owned by the next three women who refuse Isiah Thomas’s advances. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens turned out be Exhibit A in the long-awaited Mitchell Report, an All-Star roster linked to steroids — crushing news to the 3 people in America who didn’t already know Roger Clemens was using steroids. (Jake Novak)

The Mitchell Report revealed names of baseball players who used steroids or other performance enhancing drugs. Chief among them is Roger Clemens. Is anyone surprised that Clemens used steroids? When Clemens pitched he was on so many steroids even his baseballs shriveled up. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Mitchell accuses dozens of major league baseball stars of using drugs. Players haven’t been this nervous since the rumors that their cups were made in China with toxic lead. (Alex Kaseberg)

Atlanta Falcons coach Bobby Petrino quit Monday to coach at Arkansas. He’d been paid millions by the Falcons to help Michael Vick reach his full potential. Once Michael Vick was sentenced to the full twenty-three months, the coach’s work was done.

Mike Ditka dissolved his charity fund for injured and retired NFL players, which collected over a million dollars but only handed out fifty thousand. No one knows the whereabouts of the rest of the cash. They don’t call Mike Ditka the honorary mayor of Chicago for nothing. (Argus Hamilton)

Prior to their humbling 34-13 defeat by the New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steeler defensive back Anthony Smith guaranteed a Steeler win. Today Smith went back to his volunteer job as a campaign worker for “Kucinich for President.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Bobby Knight and his hunting buddy accidentally peppered two people with shotgun pellets in two separate incidents. And here I had no idea Knight was planning to run for vice president of the United States. (Alex Kaseberg)

Former NFL quarterback Michael Vick has been sentenced to 23 months in prison. But that’s well over a decade in doggy years. (Jake Novak)

Barry Bonds has pleaded not guilty to charges of lying to federal investigators about his steroid use; do you realize what this means? If Bonds keeps lying about lying about steroids, his nose could grow so big it could actually fit his head. (Alex Kaseberg)

The San Diego Chargers are just one win away from locking down the AFC West and a playoff spot. Which, in truth, clinching the AFC Worst, is like being the girl with the most teeth at the Arkansas bar at last call. (Alex Kaseberg)

With 18 seconds left, the Dallas Cowboys rallied to beat the Detroit Lions by one point on Sunday. Clinching the NFC East, the Cowboys moved a step closer to earning home field advantage in the conference playoffs, almost guaranteeing the Cowboy cheerleaders could set a Texas record for cleavage frostbite. Seriously, in Dallas in January, when your little white cheerleader pants ice-over, you can break your booty. (Joe Hickman)

Dodger Manager Joe Torre underwent knee replacement surgery. That’s one of the hazards of managing twelve years for George Steinbrenner. (Jim Barach)

The NBA announced Tuesday it will sew microphones into the uniforms of players next year for game telecasts. If they want great ratings, they should sew them into their street clothes. Nothing draws viewers like gunshots and sexual harassment. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

“I Am Legend” begins Friday in movie theaters. Will Smith finds himself all alone in New York City. A lot of the footage was shot during the fourth quarter of a recent Knicks game. (Alan Ray)

“Alvin and the Chipmunks” is out in theaters. Who says squirrelly singers can’t make it in the music world? If it worked for the Spice Girls… (Alan Ray)

“Charlie Wilson’s War” opens this month. Some scenes in this tale of a Congressman secretly trying to bring down the Soviets are a bit far fetched. They show politicians actually doing something. (Alan Ray)

Denzel Washington and Forrest Whitaker co-star in MGM’s “The Great Debaters” which opened this week. It was scheduled to debut last month, but new prints had to be developed when someone noticed the original title was “The Master Debaters.” (Bob Mills)

The hit vegan cookbook “Kick Ass Recipes for Hungry Girls Who Want to Stop Cooking Crap and Start Looking Hot,” the sequel to “Skinny Bitch in the Kitch” by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, uses no dairy, no meat, no fish, no poultry, no animal products, no additives, no sugar and no white flour. The bitches in the kitch explain how to prepare a dinner for ten out of three pot holders and a dishtowel. (Bob Mills)

THE MEDIA

The New York Daily News published a list of the “50 Dumbest Hollywood Celebrities”. The list was pretty much anyone who ever invested in a Kevin Costner film. (Jim Barach)

The New York Daily News published a list of the “50 Dumbest Hollywood Celebrities”. Lindsay Lohan came in first, for poor career choices, delinquent behavior and bad taste in men. Which should actually put her in a tie with half the women in America. The scariest thing about the list is that eleven people came in ahead of Courtney Love, and thirteen finished ahead of Britney Spears. O. J. Simpson didn’t make the list. Apparently getting away with murder makes you “smart” to the Daily News. (Jim Barach)

CELEBRITIES

Britney Spears again tops the list of the most frequent searches on Yahoo, but it’s not because she’s popular — it’s just that the confused performer keeps trying to find herself. (Scott Witt)

Britney Spears outsold Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan with more than 34,000 personal items on eBay.34,000 items and not one pair of underwear to be found. (Jim Barach)

Keith Richards is going to release some rare singles on iTunes. They are rare because he actually remembered where he had put them. (Jim Barach)

The US Postal Service has unveiled a First Class Frank Sinatra stamp that will be available in the Spring. It will come in sheets of 20, 50, 100 and two extra stamps — one for your baby and one more for the road. (Bob Mills)

Madonna in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? That’s like naming Michael Jackson baby sitter of the month or like inducting Adam Sandler into The Football Hall of Fame for his role in “The Waterboy.” Seriously, Madonna is to rock and roll what Hot Pockets are to fine dining. (Alex Kaseberg)

Keifer Sutherland went to jail for drunk driving in Los Angeles Wednesday. These are the times we live in. You can save America from a nuclear terrorist attack five times in five years and still carry no weight with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. (Argus Hamilton)

Sylvester Stallone says the filming of the latest “Rambo” movie was dangerous, with death threats coming while they filmed in Thailand. And those were just from the film critics. (Jim Barach)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull starring Harrison Ford was given a May release date by the studio Monday. The hero still carries a bullwhip. That’s so he can travel through Saudi Arabia on Girls Night Out without being noticed. (Argus Hamilton)

Don Imus introduced his new radio sidekick Monday, a black woman from Texas who converted to Judaism. Now he can do no black jokes, no women jokes, no Jewish jokes and no Texas Aggie jokes. Most people see snakes when they are forced to detox this abruptly. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

The nation’s teen birth rate has increased for the first time in fifteen years. This is proof that teachers are finally spending more one on one time with their students. (Jim Barach)

U.S. students are behind other countries in science and math. The Bush Administration says this is good news, showing that we have fewer nerds and geeks in our school systems. (Jim Barach)

Two Ohio college students have pleaded guilty to robbing banks to pay their high college tuition bills. When they get out of jail they will be given scholarships to their schools’ CEO programs. (Jim Barach)

HISTORY

An original copy of the Magna Carta is expected to sell for $20-30 Million at an auction. It will be purchased by the U.S. Government so President Bush can officially white out that part about “Habeas Corpus”. (Jim Barach)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Sotheby’s just auctioned the original movie script of Citizen Kane that belonged to the late Orson Welles. The script he wrote in 1940 sold on Tuesday for a hundred thousand dollars. The Writers Guild sent him a registered letter on Wednesday telling him that he’ll never work in this town again. (Argus Hamilton)

General Electric is recalling 92,000 microwave ovens. They’re the same microwaves that were featured in the documentary, “When Popcorn Attacks.” (Tim Hunter)

Airlines are starting to offer food on flights that last longer than four hours. In other words, Jet Blue is now providing meal service on the runway. (Jim Barach)

POLLS & STUDIES

A survey says the nation’s top CEOs view of the economy has improved for the fourth quarter. Mostly because of their over-inflated salaries and golden parachutes for when they drive the company into bankruptcy. (Jim Barach)

OTHER

Philadelphia Airport topped a new survey Monday of the best airports for people looking to hook up romantically. It’s also the worst airport for on-time take-offs. If it weren’t for flight delays and airport hotels, workaholics would never reproduce. (Argus Hamilton)

One response to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-15-07

  1. Leigh Steinberg is not Mike Vick’s agent. Do some research before you write your cute little one liners Argus Hamilton. He was doing an interview….not much of a football follower are you?

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