WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-22-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The major issues in the upcoming presidential primaries is now clear. For the Democratic candidates, it is who has the support of the best entertainment celebrity, while for the Republicans, it is who has the support of God. (Stan Kegel)

President Bush said Monday the U. S. economy is safe and sound. And if Americans will stay the course and keep spending more than they make, we will win the war against recession. Which the President blames on evil Democrats who want to spend his precious tax cuts on sick children. (Joe Hickman)

‘Tis the season for Middle East peace talks. Unfortunately, everybody wants to make the other guy sleep in the stable. (Joe Hickman)

If I had to sum up our overly-entitled and lowered-standards society in one sentence it would be: Madonna is being inducted into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (Alex Kaseberg)

Ron Paul set an all-time record Sunday for the most money raised in one day by a presidential candidate with a six-million-dollar haul. It’s unprecedented. It’s the only record to be broken all year without the help of performance-enhancing drugs. (Argus Hamilton)

Joe Lieberman has endorsed John McCain for president. Of course, the Connecticut senator is from a different faith than others in Washington. He is bipartisan. (Alan Ray)

Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Paris-Hilton-sex-video-partner Rick Salomon, two months after tying the knot. Gosh, if those two down-to-earth, stable kids can’t make it, what chance does anyone have? (Alex Kaseberg)

Lynne Spears, Britney & Jamie Lee’s mother, had her book on parenting put on hold. The publisher decided it would be a safer bet to go with Lindsay Lohan’s book on safe driving. (Alex Kaseberg)

Die-hard Dallas Cowboy fans are blaming Tony Romo’s poor performance in their 10-6 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Romo’s squeeze, Jessica Simpson. That is silly. The only way Jessica could lose a game for the Cowboys was if Jessica tallied-up the official score. Let’s face it, if having wild sex with a hot blonde made you play really lousy football, than that would mean the Oakland Raiders are dating Paris Hilton. (Alex Kaseberg)

Fred Thompson told Republicans Tuesday he wants to be the horse they ride to the White House. He said they just need to saddle him up. It’s ad-libbing like this that makes the Writers Guild feel like they’ve got the upper hand in the strike talks. (Argus Hamilton)

American men are named the fourth-worst lovers in the world. Mostly because we still prefer to make war not love. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CANDIDATES

Hillary Clinton compared Iowans’ careful inspection of all the political candidates before their Jan. 3 caucuses to a car buyer “kicking the tires and looking under the trunk.” The trunk? Car buyers look under the hood. Wives of cheating husbands look under the trunk. (Patrick Gorse)

Senator Joe Lieberman is endorsing John McCain for president. It’s a brilliant move because making this decision now will give Lieberman more exposure in a few weeks when McCain drops out of the race. (Jake Novak)

The increasingly contentious race for the Democratic presidential nomination got a little bit nastier today as Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) charged that her chief rival, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill), wet his bed when he was a toddler. (Andy Borowitz)

Ron Paul set a fund-raising record with six million dollars in one day Sunday. He’s for a pullout from Iraq, abolishing the IRS and legalizing pot. Eighteen-year-olds got the vote thirty-five years ago but this is the first time they’ve considered using it. (Argus Hamilton)

The National Enquirer said Wednesday that John Edwards has a pregnant girlfriend who has gone into hiding for the duration of the campaign. It would finish him if he got some girl pregnant. He has been claiming for years that he’s a protectionist. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani’s third wife Judi Nathan was reported Monday to have terrible poll numbers because female voters regard her as a home wrecker. Rudy’s thinking of replacing her with Elizabeth Edwards. She polls better and the Enquirer says she’s about to be available. (Argus Hamilton)

Romney demanded that Huckabee apologize to Bush for accusing him of having an “arrogant bunker mentality” when it comes to Iraq. Actually, Bush should thank Mike. It’s not every day you hear “Bush” and “mentality” used in the same sentence. (Bob Mills)

Huckabee alluded to the Mormon belief that “Jesus and Satan were brothers.” Romney responded by calling Huckabee “another Bill Clinton.” And just when Giuliani thought he had the Republican adulterer vote all sewn up. (Bob Mills)

GOP candidate Ron Paul set a new one-day fund-raising record on Sunday. He wants to do everything the way the Founding Fathers did. They wore perfumed wigs, satin pants and high-heel pumps, but they didn’t have Larry Craig sitting in the next stall. (Argus Hamilton)

John Edwards spent Sunday in Iowa pitching his universal health plan. His plan could make a difference. It turns out all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could have put Humpty together again, but the procedure wasn’t covered by his insurance. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton’s campaign chartered a helicopter Sunday so she can fly around the state of Iowa and shake hands with the voters for five days. Her aides have dubbed it the Hill-O-Copter. Pretending to be Irish has always worked for her husband. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton fired a campaign staffer last week for bringing up Barack Obama’s admission of past cocaine use. It’s politics. You have to support ethanol subsidies whenever you’re in Iowa, dairy price supports in Wisconsin and cocaine use in Florida. (Argus Hamilton)

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee apologized for “unfortunate” remarks he made about Mormonism, telling a reporter, “If they want to drink the blood of human babies, that’s their business.(Andy Borowitz)

Rudy Giuliani said he wanted to deport every illegal alien in New York City. Apparently he changed his mind when he realized he would be known as the man who left the Yankees without a pitching staff. (Jim Barach)

Gennifer Flowers, the one-time other woman in Hillary Rodham Clinton’s life says she’s considering casting her vote for the former first lady. The election is over, if Bill started recruiting voters from his black book the other candidate hold no chances. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton reminded Iowans on Friday there’s nothing new that Republicans can throw at her after sixteen years of battle. She said she was tested. If your husband slept around like Bill Clinton did, you would be tested too, and regularly. (Argus Hamilton)

Mike Huckabee chided President Bush Friday for having an arrogant bunker mentality on foreign policy and added that it’s time for a change from the president’s go-it-alone style. It’s official. You couldn’t be sure the world had turned upside down until a Southern Baptist told an Episcopalian to loosen up and go with the flow. (Argus Hamilton)

Oprah Winfrey put her star power behind Sen. Barack Obama on Saturday when she spoke to thousands of Obama supporters. People left the venue quite disappointed, not because Oprah’s speech was bad, but because they didn’t even get a free toaster out of her. (Pedro Bartes)

Univision hosted Sunday a GOP presidential debate in Spanish. The clear winner of the debate was Mitt Romney who apparently left the premise with several people to take care of his backyard. (Pedro Bartes)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush met with the president of Italy Tuesday two days after meeting with the leader of Northern Ireland and a week after meeting with Israeli leaders. No one knows why he attacked Iraq or what he’s got against Iran, but every country that starts with an I has been dropping off gifts at the White House this Christmas. (Argus Hamilton)

President George W. Bush granted pardons to 29 people on Tuesday from a variety of crimes including cocaine distribution, marijuana manufacturing, mail fraud and bank embezzlement. The president said he did it this early so they all have time to start their political campaigns in their own districts. (Pedro Bartes)

During an interview at the White House, President Bush said he doubted he’d be standing there if he hadn’t quit “drinking whiskey, and beer and wine and all that.” The President left the interview smiling and asking his secretary: “Jell-O shots don’t count, right?” (Pedro Bartes)

THE ADMINISTRATION

A fire erupted near Dick Cheney’s office in the Executive Building on the White House grounds. The cause was accidental. A curtain got too close to a CIA interrogation tape. (Alan Ray)

A fire broke out in Dick Cheney’s offices across from the White House but nobody was hurt. They put the fire out using Cheney’s very own personal waterboard. (Alex Kaseberg)

The White House has decided not to answer specific questions about why the CIA destroyed some interrogation tapes. According to insiders, the White House was afraid they were going to be called scabs if they release those tapes and gave the producers of 24 ideas for their next episode. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush’s chief speech writer William McGurn is leaving the White House. Washington insiders are shocked. Someone writes President Bush’s speeches? Admitting to being President Bush’s speech writer is like saying you are Britney Spears’ image consultant or Kevin Federline’s vocal instructor. What can you possibly do after being President Bush’s speech writer? Perhaps he might apply to be Lindsay Lohan’s driving teacher. (Jim Barach)

On Alberto Gonzales’ being named lawyer of the year by the American Bar Association Magazine: “When asked if he has ever received a bigger honor, Gonzales said, ‘I don’t recall.'” (Jim Barach)

According to recent estimates federal spending on paper shredding during 2007 might almost double the amount of money spent in 2006. Apparently nobody told Bush yet that you do not need to shred e-mails. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CONGRESS

Some Republicans in congress are having a tough time explaining waterboarding as something that is not defined as torture. Apparently, now they are saying that you can see a video where waterboarding is used and the individual seems pretty exited about it: “Flashdance.” (Pedro Bartes)

THE COURTS

What is the real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment! (Author Unknown)

THE STATES

New Jersey has abolished the death penalty. A Fox News poll says four out of five future murderers say they will either take their planned victims to New Jersey, or if time is short, they will just murder a New Jersey resident. (Joe Hickman)

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said Friday he may declare an emergency because California is fourteen billion dollars in the red. He’s not getting good reviews. To rebuild his career he may have to do a cartoon movie so he’s associated with a hit again. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

Was someone observing New Year’s a bit early? The Seal Beach Sun said a report of gunfire in a neighborhood turned out to be a resident shooting off fireworks. Not that it was a celebration. No, the resident was scaring away a masked intruder, police said. A racoon. Enforcing lawn order, in other words. (Los Angeles Times, 12-21-07)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Fish and Game officials in Texas, California, Nevada, New York and Arkansas report a marked increase in automatic weapon assaults on wardens in the field. They attribute the violence to rural methamphetamine labs marijuana cultivation in wooded areas and an increase in gang activity among the wildlife. (Bob Mills)
SECURITY

A man almost died from alcohol poisoning after he drunk an entire bottle of vodka at an airport security because he didn’t want to hand the bottle over to comply with the carry-on rules. The worst part of all is that passengers had to be stuck in the terminal for hours because they could not find another pilot for the plane. (Pedro Bartes)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Fidel Castro indicates he’s ready to step down from power in Cuba. He’s suffering from gastrointestinal problems. President Bush is going to throw a fit when it dawns on him that all it takes to overthrow a brutal dictator is Mexican food. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

President Bush continues to plan for a 9-day Middle East trip in January. More Mideast talks could signal a real breakthrough. Instead of trading insults behind each other’s back, the Palestinians and Israelis can insult each other face to face. (Joe Hickman)

Prediction: At the January Mideast talks the Palestinians and Israelis will say such nasty things to each other the Democrats and Republicans will be taking notes. The scary thing is, with Arabs and Israelis and President Bush all involved, these peace talks could lead to war. (Joe Hickman)

Saudi King Abdullah pardoned the raped woman who was sentenced to two hundred lashes for being with a man in public. The case was poisoning his international relations. What good is hundred-dollar-per-barrel oil if every girl in Paris is afraid to look at you? (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Diminutive French President Nicolas Sarkozy is dating former-model-turned-singer, Carla Bruni who used to date Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Kevin Costner, Donald Trump and many, many others. You know the difference between Carla Bruni and the Statue of Liberty? The Statue of Liberty charges to let people inside of her. Now, I don’t want to say Carla’s been around, but her butt tattoo says “Thank You For Waiting. ” (Alex Kaseberg)

THE U. N. & INTERNATIONAL

U.N. peacekeepers who patrol Haiti were found Monday to be paying teenage girls a dollar and fifteen cents in Australian currency to have sex with them. It’s a huge scandal. The U.S. dollar is so worthless even teenage prostitutes in Haiti won’t take it. (Argus Hamilton)

TAXES

The IRS says it will audit more tax exempt organizations in 2008. That’s more bad news for major corporations. (Jim Barach)

SCIENCE

Scientists think they have discovered the energy source of the spectacular color displays seen in the northern lights. Apparently, the energy comes from Al Gore’s gigantic house every time he turns all the lights on. (Pedro Bartes)

HEALTH

A Florida company claims that body odor is the key to sexual attraction and that it can help people find true love. If body odor is an aphrodisiac, no wonder Paris is the romantic capital of the world. (Jim Barach)

Arizona man has exclusive rights to sell a smokeless cigarette in the U. S. It’s battery-powered and works by replacing smoke with water vapor. You don’t get cancer, but if you inhale you’ll drown. (Doug Austen)

A study by the Texas Southwestern Medical Center in this month’s issue of The Journal of Trauma Injury, Infection and Critical Care says that patients in the ICU are bothered so much by doctors and nurses; they can’t sleep which is absolutely necessary for healing. If sleep really is the key to healing, a Fred Thompson campaign speech must be the most therapeutic thing going. (Patrick Gorse)

THE WEATHER

The Weather Channel showed snow and ice and cold temperatures blanketing a lot of America Monday. It caused confusion. There was momentary euphoria at Democratic headquarters when the USA Today weather map showed that there are now forty-nine blue states. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

The good news about the Mitchell Commission is that a new baseball league will soon be created in American prisons and it will draw many of the best players from existing leagues. No need for salary negotiations since the players will get offers they can’t refuse. The bad news is that the league may last only a few years as players get paroled to farm teams. (Scott Witt)

After being named in the Mitchell Report on steroids in baseball, Roger Clemens had his lawyer issue a full denial. Well that solves that. If we know anything it is that lawyers always tell the truth and no pro athlete has ever lied about taking steroids. (Alex Kaseberg)

Jessica Simpson watched her boy friend, Tony Romo, and his Dallas Cowboys get beaten by the Philadelphia Eagles, 10-6. It was a little embarrassing when Jessica put on a Romo number 9 jersey, but when Jessica looked down at it she said; “So why am I wearing number 6? ” (Alex Kaseberg)
and nice. He just read the Mitchell Report. (Alan Ray)

Alex Rodriguez urged clemency for teammates named in the Mitchell Report. Team management encouraged them to use steroids. If George Steinbrenner couldn’t make out the constellation Orion in the acne on your back he would trade you to Cleveland. (Argus Hamilton)

College bowl games begin. The interconference match-ups answer the question many college football fans are curious about. At the end of the day, which 6 and 6 team will be 6 and 7? (Alan Ray)

Bobby Petrino resigned as Atlanta Falcons coach on Tuesday with the team mired in last place in the NFC South Division with a 3-10 record. Fortunately for him, Michael Vick was in jail, because we all know what Michael Vick used to do with those that under-performed. (Pedro Bartes)

ENTERTAINMENT

Despite the writers strike, NBC says “The Tonight Show” and “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” will return with new programs on January 2nd. The shows will simply not use any comedy writers, kind of like what “Saturday Night Live” has been doing for 15 years. (Jake Novak)

David Letterman cut a deal with the Writers Guild Monday letting him return in two weeks, as will Jay Leno. The public is thrilled. These last six weeks will be known as a time in television history so bleak that Mike Huckabee was considered funny. (Argus Hamilton)

“I am Legend” is tops at the box office. Will Smith has the medicine to save the world from a killer virus. The danger he faces is trying to smuggle the much cheaper version from Canada. (Alan Ray)

“Charlie Wilson’s War” is a true story of a U. S. congressman who secretly funneled millions of taxpayer dollars to save Afghanistan from the Soviets thirty years ago. What a waste. If we’d known then what we know now, we could have let the Russians keep Afghanistan, thrown in Iraq, and we would have won the Cold War ten years earlier. (Argus Hamilton)

A contestant on “The Price is Right” has sued the show, claiming the Pontiac GTO she successfully guessed cost $33,495 was not only not new, but had been in an accident and repaired. And then, to add insult to injury, it was driven on stage by a Barker Beauty who was formerly a hooker. (Bob Mills)

CELEBRITIES

Britney Spears 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant; That’s nice, that means, fingers crossed, in six years both mother and child will graduate from first grade together. How on earth, are we ever going to get the IQ scores up in this country if those Spears women keep breeding? (Alex Kaseberg)

The fertility rate among Americans has climbed to its highest level since 1971, thanks mostly Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears. (Jake Novak)

Us Magazine named Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie “Couple of The Year.” Brad and Angie are not happy. There’s a rule in Hollywood — you have to wait at least six months after being named “Couple of the Year” before you can file for divorce. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

On “Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek’s suffering a mild heart attack: “He couldn’t understand what had happened until his doctor explained it to him in the form of a question.” (Alan Ray)

In sad irony, a roofing company billionaire, Ken Hendricks, died after falling through his home garage’s roof. That’s like the founder of Jet Blue crashing in their only flight to ever leave the runway. (Alex Kaseberg)

It was reported this week that Nicolas Cage could have starred in both the “Matrix” trilogy and the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. Fortunately for the viewers, he didn’t. (Pedro Bartes)

HISTORY

On this date (Dec. 17) in 1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright flew the first airplane at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. And on that same day, a Jet Blue airliner became the first plane to be stuck on the tarmac. (Alex Kaseberg)

HOLIDAYS

Christmas is Tuesday. Santa is making his list, he’s checking it twice. He’s gonna find out who’s naughty y)

In Wyoming, a woman stabbed her husband because of a Christmas gift. As a result, Target is reporting a record number of men returning irons, egg beaters and Dustbusters. (Alex Kaseberg)

BUSINESS

Wal-Mart and Target are selling a Talking Jesus Action Figure this Christmas. Apparently the doll was recalled but was back on the shelves on the third day. (Pedro Bartes)

One out of every five IBM employees are now based in India. IBM now stands for “I’ve Been Moved”. (Jim Barach)

POLLS & STUDIES

According to a new CNN/Opinion Research Corporation poll released Tuesday 57 percent of the people now believe the nation is in a recession, the other 43 percent could not answer the poll because their phones got disconnected for not paying the bill. (Pedro Bartes)

According to a new survey, 25% of people say they don’t know where Jesus was born. The other 75% say they had Jesus doing their lawn and he could be from Mexico or Guatemala. (Pedro Bartes)

2 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-22-07

  1. When GWB refers to “tax cuts”, does he mean a cut in the amounts recovered as tax, or the cuts in incomes/transactions resulting from the payment of taxes?

  2. //Britney Spears 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant; That’s nice, that means, fingers crossed, in six years both mother and child will graduate from first grade together. How on earth, are we ever going to get the IQ scores up in this country if those Spears women keep breeding? (Alex Kaseberg)// I found this funny.

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