WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-29-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Mitt Romney’s tried to run a perfect campaign. Looks like he’s been dipped in a polyurethane bath. Flip-flopped so much he’s in danger of triggering a Stage Four John Kerry Alert. His campaign ads should close with “I’m Mitt Romney, and I both approve and disapprove of this ad.” (Will Durst)

“Charlie Wilson’s War” got rave reviews as a comedy set during the Cold War. The world was safer then. During the Cold War, world peace depended on the balance of power between the U.S. and Russia, while today it depends on the president’s blood sugar level. (Argus Hamilton)

Jamie Lynn Spears’ 19 year old boyfriend may be charged with felony carnal knowledge of a minor. Spears and her boyfriend both live In Louisiana, where sex is against the law with anyone under 17. Unless they are a blood relative. (Jim Barach)

A Japanese study holds out the promise that stem cells from liposuctioned fat could be used to increase women’s breast size without the use of implants. Today Bill Clinton called for a 30 percent increase in funding for stem cell research. (Gary Bachman)

Rupert Murdoch, who is about to take over Dow Jones, has told the staff he expects big things and will no longer allow the Dow Jones 30 Industrials to be just average. (Scott Witt)

Voters in Iowa got a short break from the presidential candidates over Christmas. Explains why the state legislature is proposing a bill to proclaim everyday Christmas. (Bob Hirschfeld)

Officials at the U.S. State Department are trying to bring calm to Pakistan… but so far all they can offer is the Patriots-Giants game on free TV. (Jake Novak)

Hillary Clinton was named Most Admired Woman in the Gallup Poll Wednesday ahead of Oprah and Queen Elizabeth. It doesn’t mean she’ll be president. If people told pollsters the truth, Britney Spears would have won this award for the last five years. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton’s mother Kathy is auctioning off celebrity items on eBay to raise money for charity. The auction items include several pair of Paris’ jeans. They are popular because they are so easy to get into. (Jim Barach)

Russian President Vladimir Putin was chosen as Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year”. Al Gore finished in second. When asked what it was like to lose to a dictator of a floundering country who has no regard for civil rights, Gore said “Been there.” (Jim Barach)

PAKISTAN

Pakistan is thrust into chaos in the wake of Benazir Bhutto’s assassination. We don’t see this kind of mayhem in America, except when someone tries to cut the returned gifts line at the mall. (Jake Novak)

After Benazir Bhutto’s assassination in Pakistan, President Bush demanded that, “Those who committed this crime must be brought to justice.” He then followed with, “Unless they are hiding in the same part of Pakistan as Osama bin Laden, in which case, what can we do? (David Challenge)

An official for the Center for Arms Control and Non-Proliferation said of Pakistan today that it is, “not a good idea to have 70 nuclear weapons in the hands of a country that is falling apart.” Not a good idea for the country where Osama bin Laden is hiding to have 70 nuclear weapons? Interesting. He also said that if an asteroid were to ever hit the Earth that it would cause a very bad hair day. (David Challenge)

THE CANDIDATES

Rudy Giuliani explained that he entered a hospital last week with what he described as “a very bad headache.” Doctors diagnosed it as Mike Huckabee. (Bob Hirschfeld)

Hillary Clinton’s argument that she’s more experienced at foreign affairs than Barack Obama is only partly correct. Actually it’s her husband who’s experienced at foreign affairs. Indeed, he may be having one right now. (Scott Witt)

Former President Clinton said when he dated Hillary, he told her to dump him and focus on political office. Considering he also recently said he was opposed to war with Iraq, which Hillary supported, she may finally take him up on his offer. (Bob Hirschfeld)

Did you see Rudy Giuliani giggle his way through that Tim Russert interview? It was a lot like Hillary Clinton’s cackle-fest, only an octave higher. And the two candidates have something else in common — they’re both slipping in the polls. But don’t worry — they can always get work as a laugh track. (Madeleine Begun Kane)

Oprah Winfrey campaigned with Barrack Obama in Iowa. The two spoke in front of huge, enthusiastic crowds. And ten lucky people in attendance received free makeovers. (Gary Bachman)

Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani spent last night at a St. Louis hospital with flu-like symptoms. Like everyone else Giuliani spends the night with, all the hospital’s doctors and nurses will get free limo service every time they visit New York. (Jake Novak)

John McCain ran new television ads in South Carolina Wednesday touting his war record. He was shot down, he was captured, he was tortured and he talked. John McCain running on his war record is like Teddy Kennedy running on his driving record. (Argus Hamilton)

Mitt Romney admitted to reporters Friday he never saw his late father Governor George Romney march with Martin Luther King in the Sixties, as he claims in campaign literature. His dad was a very wealthy automobile executive. He never walked anywhere. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill and Hillary Clinton spent the weekend campaigning separately. It’s a good tandem. While Hillary was in Iowa offering free health care Saturday, Bill was in Texas offering to take Jessica Simpson off Tony Romo’s hands til after the Super Bowl. (Argus Hamilton)

The National Enquirer reported Wednesday that John Edwards got a young lady pregnant while campaigning for president this summer. This can only mean one thing. John Edwards has decided he won’t concede the adultery vote to the Clintons without a fight. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama said as president he’d test toys made in China for lead. It causes cognitive impairment in children. For everyone who thinks that Baby Boomers turned out the way we did from the marijuana, guess again, it was the lead in the Tinker Toys. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush accidentally gave out the wrong phone number for the subprime mortgage helpline yesterday and instead announced a number that was actually for a Christian school in Texas. Unfortunately, most callers found out Jesus doesn’t want to give them a loan either.(Jake Novak)

THE ADMINISTRATION

It’s being reported that that Alberto Gonzales was involved with discussions about destroying the CIA interrogation tapes when he was White House counsel. Democrats in Congress were going to request he testify but decided it would save time just to enter ‘I do not recall’ into the record. (Bob Hirschfeld)

THE CONGRESS

House Democrats adjourned Congress Friday with approval ratings even lower than the president’s. It’s just awful. If congressmen weren’t allowed to wear their pants any higher than their approval ratings, they’d all be doing Bill Clinton impressions. (Argus Hamilton)

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid will keep the legislative body in pro forma session over the holiday break to block President Bush from making political appointments. No important business will be conducted, which means the Democrats are continuing their legislative agenda. (Bob Hirschfeld)

THE STATES

The New Jersey Legislature is being criticized for eliminating the death penalty in favor of life without parole. Forcing inmates to spend the rest of their potentially long lives in New Jersey is described as cruel and unusual punishment. (Scott Witt)

LOCAL NEWS

A tiger escaped from its pen at the San Francisco Zoo Tuesday, killing one man and injuring two others before police shot it dead. Zookeepers say the tiger was enraged after not getting the day off for Christmas. (Jake Novak)

Los Angeles erupted in brushfires on Christmas Eve, making last-minute shopping miserable with heat and smoke. Everyone thought they were in hell. People in Los Angeles always feel that way whenever they have to spend money on someone besides themselves. (Argus Hamilton)

The City of Virginia Beach, Virginia, has changed the name of their annual “Virginia Beach Christmas Festival” to “The McDonald’s Holiday Lights at the Beach Presented by Verizon Wireless Festival.” Just for that, this year, no Virginia, there is no Santa Claus (Patrick Gorse)

Hollywood, Florida is getting the first Gay Retirement Center. It’s like a regular retirement center except that “The Early Bird Special” is called “The Fiercely Prompt Red-breasted Robin Extravaganza. (Pedro Bartes)

SPACE & NASA

NASA said Friday an asteroid is on a path to collide with Mars next month. The White House is monitoring the situation. People have been wondering if there’s any water on Mars, but if the asteroid goes deep enough we’ll find out if there’s any oil. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ

Saddam Hussein’s yacht went on sale Monday for thirty-four million dollars. It has bulletproof glass and a mini-sub attached under the flooring for an emergency escape. It’s built like the lobby of every bank in California that makes mortgage loans. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAN

President Bush insists that a revised intelligence report saying Iran is not developing nuclear weapons makes no difference in his policy toward that country. At least he’s consistent, since intelligence was not a factor in going to war with Iraq. (Bob Hirschfeld)

The U.S. government now says Iran won’t be able to build a nuclear weapon until 2010 at the earliest. The news is calming millions of Americans with adjustable rate mortgages that aren’t due to reset until 2011. (Jake Novak)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Fidel Castro indicated Monday he’s ready to step down from power in Cuba. He’s suffering from gastro-intestinal problems. President Bush is going to throw a fit when it dawns on him that all it takes to overthrow a brutal dictator is Mexican food. (Argus Hamilton)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Great Britain passed a ban on motorists talking on their cell phone while they drive last week. It could cost lives. Drive-by shootings in Los Angeles are down ninety percent ever since cell phones gave people something else to do at stop lights. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas is demanding Israelis stop building more settlements on the West Bank… mostly because real estate prices are depressed enough without all that new construction. (Jake Novak)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

The election victory of Russian dictator Vladimir Putin’s party could revive the Cold War between east and west. But it’s not as bad as it sounds. Putin claims the Cold War would offset global warming. (Scott Witt)

THE ENVIRONMENT

Al Gore met with President Bush at the White House for a discussion on global warming. The White House press secretary called the meeting ‘cordial’ and noted that Bush even presented Gore with a holiday gift—a snow globe filled with chads. (Bob Hirschfeld)

SPORTS

New England Patriots star Tom Brady was voted Athlete of the Year Friday. Everybody thinks he has presidential aspirations. He recently asked his coach to switch to the T-formation so that whenever he’s on television there’s a cross over his shoulder. (Argus Hamilton)

Lakers star Kobe Bryant is once again hinting that he would like to be traded to New York. The deal might finally happen this time now that the Knicks can offer 2 sexual harassers and a date rapist to be named later. (Jake Novak)

ABC and ESPN are going to put a microphone on all of the NBA coaches. The network feels it will provide insight. Or in the New York Knicks Isaiah Thomas’s case, it will provide evidence. (Pedro Bartes)

Roger Clemens declared Sunday he will answer steroid charges on CBS’ 60 Minutes this week. No one wants to think he compiled a winning record using performance enhancers. The telecast is sponsored by Cialis and Corvette and the Hair Club for Men. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

“The Bucket List” starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman opens tonight. It’s about two dying men trying to fulfill their fantasies while their cancers are in remission. In a miracle at the end of the movie each of them is able to sell his home. (Argus Hamilton)

“The Bucket List” comes out in theaters. Two terminally ill patients escape a cancer ward to enjoy life. The hospital is most worried because they could die before paying their bills. (Alan Ray)

“Charlie Wilson’s War” is out in theaters. Tom Hanks is a womanizing Congressman who never plays by the rules. In other words, he blends. (Alan Ray)

Despite the continuing writers strike, both ‘The Daily Show’ and ‘The Colbert Report’ will return with new shows in January. It suddenly dawned on the shows’ producers that you don’t really need writers to make fun of politicians. (Jake Novak)

Despite the writers strike, NBC says ‘The Tonight Show’ and ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien’ will return with new programs on January 2nd. The shows will simply not use any comedy writers, kind of like what ‘Saturday Night Live’ has been doing for 15 years. (Jake Novak)

THE MEDIA

Stephen Colbert has been voted as the Associated Press Celebrity of the Year. Colbert plays a blowhard, obtuse right wing newscaster on “The Colbert Report”. Since his show has been off the air with the writers’ strike, fans have had to switch over to the Fox News Channel. (Jim Barach)

CELEBRITIES

Paris Hilton is glad to see 2007 end. She got arrested, thrown in jail and now her grandfather is giving away her inheritance to charity. In fact, if 2007 had been any harder on Paris it would have been on a grainy sex video. (Pedro Bartes)

Britney Spear’s sister, 16-year-old Jamie Lynn, is pregnant. The bad news? Jamie is so young she doesn’t even have a driver’s license. The good news? She can’t get in trouble for driving with her baby on her lap. (Pedro Bartes)

Nickelodeon star Jamie Lynn Spears was praised by social conservatives Monday for deciding to have her baby. Everyone says she’s the responsible sister. If the pattern holds, Jamie Lynn will be governor of Florida when Britney’s elected president. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

The Bush administration issued brand-new rules Friday that eliminate Medicaid reimbursement to schools for transportation costs of disabled students. Disabled rights activists were left speechless by the decision. So much for no child left behind. (Argus Hamilton)

HOLIDAYS

Catholics in Sicily protested a holiday commercial showing the Three Wise Men bringing the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and a Red Bull Energy Drink. Worse, one of them appears to be riding Joe Camel.(Bob Mills)

BUSINESS

Initial reports show that shopping figures for this Christmas season were weaker than expected as more Americans spent their holidays on selfish pursuits, like being with their families and giving to charity. (Jake Novak)

3 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-29-07

  1. Falling off my chair laughing! 🙂 Rambodoc, where do you manage to get such a detailed list from?

  2. Ruhi,
    I get these from Stan Kegel, a cardiologist from the US. In the Humerus News Page I have acknowledged it.
    Thanks for the comment! I am glad you enjoyed ’em!

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