WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-05-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Iowa Caucuses are held tomorrow after a hard-fought campaign. Hollywood is watching very closely. When the Los Angeles Times headlined Monday that Hillary was in a three-way with Obama and Edwards, everyone here figured that turnabout is fair play. (Argus Hamilton)

Shaquille O’Neal had a hat trick in a recent Heat game. He had a dunk, a blocked shot and an air ball from the free-throw line. (Dan Daly, Washington Times

On Russian President Vladimir Putin being chosen as Time magazine’s Person of the Year: Al Gore finished in second. When asked what it was like to lose to a dictator of a floundering country who had no regard for civil rights, Gore said, “Been there, done that.” (Jim Barach)

Rudy Giuliani has decided to bypass Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, and put all his chips on the primary in Florida. Giuliani’s campaign must be in critical condition to opt for a triple bypass. (Patrick Gorse)

The Census Bureau says the U.S. will reach 303 million on January 1st. There will be a welcoming committee with prizes awaiting the landmark American as soon as they come across the border. (Jim Barach)

2008 predictions – February: Responding to the controversy over the CIAs’ waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration’s opposition to videotaping. (Andy Borowitz)

Contest officials in Texas disqualified a six-year old from winning a free trip to New York City to attend a Hanna Montana concert after her mom admitted helping the youngster write an essay claiming her dad was a casualty in Iraq. All is not lost, however. The girl has been hired to play a fake disaster victim at FEMA press conferences. (Bob Mills)

LINKS TO THE WEB

Lirty Dies: 2007 in Review

This is Hilarious if you like Spoonerisms

Topical Lirty Dies:
http://www.capsteps.com/lirty/
Their best Spoonerisms over the years as mp3 &/or print copy

THE IOWA CAUCUSES

The Iowa caucuses began choosing the next president Thursday amid grumbling that Iowa has too much power. It’s hugely white and has the nation’s highest literacy and graduation rates. They will never pick a president who represents the American people. (Argus Hamilton)

Tomorrow, of course, is the Iowa caucus. As you may know, caucus is a Greek word which means, “the only day anyone pays any attention to Iowa.” (Jay Leno)

With the Iowa caucuses coming on Thursday, all presidential candidates lightened up on each other. Probably because the mud was getting too deep. So much dirt has been flying, they might need backhoes at the caucuses. Maybe we could get everybody together on Jerry Springer and work all this stuff out. (Joe Hickman)

THE CANDIDATES

A poll shows that 50% of voters don’t know much about Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee. Of course, that is the main reason why he is also leading in the polls. (Jim Barach)

Mike Huckabee flew to Hollywood from Iowa Wednesday to make a guest appearance on the Tonight Show starring Jay Leno. No one in the crowd will know who he is. At least half of Los Angeles thinks the Iowa caucus is some form of strep throat. (Argus Hamilton)

Mitt Romney says Iowans who voted against him because he’s not consistent had it all wrong, but he has a positive attitude and looks forward to winning the Democratic nomination and becoming this country’s first Jewish president. (Scott Witt)

This just in. NBC has announced a change in it’s late-night plans. Jay Leno will be replaced, not in three years by Conan O’Brien, but next week by Mike Huckabee. You have to like Huckabee. He doesn’t fit in with all the other rich white Republicans. Probably why none of the big Baptist churches will call him as pastor. His other thing is playing bass in a rock band. So I think we can see why he wants to be President. (Joe Hickman)

Barack Obama’s campaign blamed Benazir Bhutto’s killing on the regional instability caused by the war in Iraq for which Hillary voted. Both candidates know a thing or two about local leaders being gunned down in the streets. They are both from Chicago. (Argus Hamilton)

Howard Dean’s wife, Judith, has sent an email to Janet Huckabee, welcoming her to the SPJ Club, composed of Spouses of Political Jerks who ruined their own campaigns. The two-member club is waiting for Rudy Giuliani to put his foot in his mouth so that Regina, Donna, and Judith can bring the membership up to five. (Scott Witt)

Iowa is known as the tall corn state. That’s why Dennis Kucinich had trouble being seen there. (Jay Leno)

It should surprise no one that Mike Huckabee crossed a Writers Guild picket line to appear on the Tonight Show Wednesday night. Huckabee always preaches that the only legitimate union is between a man and a woman. (Patrick Gorse)

Ron Paul ruffled a few feathers last week by calling Abe Lincoln a warmonger. Then a state-by-state poll said the entire South and Mountain West agreed with him. If nothing else, it shows it’ll be awhile before Sunnis and Shiites let bygones be bygones. (Argus Hamilton)

Mike Huckabee said Monday he won’t resort to negative campaigning as he showed reporters the latest negative commercial he’s decided not to air. His craftiness is sprinkled with occasional self-pity. The Nixon Library is consulting with Elvis Presley Enterprises to see if they are entitled to royalties from these impersonators. (Argus Hamilton)

It’s freezing in Iowa. It’s like 20 degrees in Iowa. In fact, it is so cold Hillary Clinton can actually see Barack Obama’s breath breathing down her neck. (Jay Leno)

Ralph Nader endorsed John Edwards for president Monday, citing the candidate’s labor backing. He became famous as a crusader for auto safety. Ralph Nader was the only one to blame Benazir Bhutto’s death on the fact that she was not wearing a helmet. (Argus Hamilton)

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, one of our guests tonight, has reached what they call “the top tier” of GOP candidates. That means during the debates he no longer has to wear a nametag. (Jay Leno)

Rudy Giuliani has released a new TV ad in which he assures voters that “When you challenge Americans, there’s no country that stands up stronger and better when you come here and try to kill our people.” Hasn’t changed his poll numbers in the US, but he is up ten points in Karachi. (Bob Mills)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush signed a half-trillion-dollar spending bill Wednesday. It lifts the federal ban on needle exchange programs in the nation’s capital. The Washington Nationals don’t pay much and their home-run hitters must cut corners wherever they can. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ADMINISTRATION

A new year means resolutions. Dick Cheney vows to cut back on his favorite mixed drink. Scotch and waterboarding. (Alan Ray)

THE CONGRESS

Members of Congress spent more than $20 million on mailings in 2007 – mostly to tell constituents how they are going to rein in excessive government spending. (Jim Barach)

THE STATES

The Iowa caucuses were held Thursday night after a year of nonstop campaigning by the presidential candidates. Many Iowans are sad to see this circus end. After the candidates leave, the farmers will have to go back to fertilizing the crops themselves. (Argus Hamilton)

As of January 1, a new law in California makes it illegal to smoke with small children in the car. It’s so strict, the law even prohibits smoking after MAKING a baby in the backseat of a car. (Bob Mills)

California enacted a new law requiring drivers to use hands-free cell phones starting in July. Life is distracting enough as it is. Too often lately we’ve all been talking into our pistols and aiming our cell phones at each other on the freeway. (Argus Hamilton)

The Passenger Bill of Rights just became law in New York, giving air travelers the right to air, water and clean bathrooms. They shouldn’t have mentioned it. The White House hadn’t even thought of eliminating these rights and now they’re kicking it around. (Argus Hamilton)

New Jersey’s governor signed a new law Thursday that limits the time convicted sex offenders can spend on the Internet. You can’t make it up. New Jersey just became the first state to tell sexual predators to get out in the fresh air and spend more time on the playground. (Argus Hamilton)

New Jersey’s Assembly debated a bill to make New Jersey the first northern state to apologize for slavery. The state outlawed slavery forty years before the Civil War. It is something nobody knew until there were no black characters on The Sopranos. (Argus Hamilton)

New Jersey is considering a proposal to apologize for slavery, having been the last state in the Union to ban it. If the apology works, next they plan to apologize for New Jersey. (Bob Mills)

LOCAL NEWS

Washington D. C. was named in a health survey as having the highest rate of sexually transmitted disease of any city in the United States. The government is clearly to blame. You can’t screw that many taxpayers each day and not catch something. (Argus Hamilton)

San Francisco police said Thursday they found slingshots in the hip pockets of all three victims of the tiger attack. The slaughter was so unnecessary. Those boys would not have had slingshots if San Francisco had not cracked down on handguns. (Argus Hamilton)

The San Francisco Zoo was termed a crime scene Wednesday after a tiger attacked zoo patrons. It doesn’t seem possible. The cat had to jump a fifteen-foot moat and a twenty-foot-high fence, and that was just to get into the United States from Mexico. (Argus Hamilton)

Stockton, California finished last on the list of most literate cities. The people were proud, saying “Who wants to be literate? We have hardly any trash lying around.” (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A Texas man was freed after 26 years in prison for a crime he did not commit. Texas juries mess up a lot, apparently, because they’re told tough juries are a deterrent to crime. Maybe it might deter so many Texas screw-ups if the prosecuting attorneys had to serve the rest of the innocent guys’ sentences. (Joe Hickman)

Thieves at the Sao Paulo Museum of Art staged a daring heist in which they made off with Picasso’s “Portrait of Susan Bloch” valued at $50 million. Several witnesses told police the robbers appeared to be women with both eyes on the same side of their face. (Bob Mills)

TERRORISM

Osama bin Laden has released a new 30 minute audio tape in which he vows to “increase Holy War terror.” Which, according to reliable insiders, will include the Geneva-condemned practice of strapping interrogation victims to Ann Coulter. (Bob Mills)

SPACE & NASA

The international space station got a delivery of two tons of supplies and holiday gifts. The astronauts learned that even with less gravity, fruitcake still weighs a ton. (Doug Austen)

Astrologers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena have identified an asteroid traveling at 27,900 miles per hour that they’ve given a one in twenty-five chance of slamming into Mars. Which, they point out, would produce the most violent collision since Rosie O’Donnell landed on Donald Trump. (Bob Mills)

NASA released a six-year confidential survey of airline pilots Monday. The pilots said over-scheduling and faulty equipment and incompetent controllers are a widespread problem. It is the first instinct of every alcoholic to blame others for his troubles. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Bilawae Zardari, the 19 year old son of slain Pakistani president Benazir Bhutto, has been tapped by Peoples Party officials to become their new leader. Hoping to overcome the modern trend of politicians following in the footsteps of a parent turning out to be borderline idiots. (Bob Mills)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

At 81 years and 243 days, Queen Elizabeth II has become Britain’s oldest-ever monarch, eclipsing the record previously held by Queen Victoria. In April, she will become the longest reigning queen in history — unless, of course, you count Elton John. (Bob Mills)

A recent survey shows that diners in Great Britain like the taste of fast food more than the French do. Which makes sense. Big Macs, Whoppers and Jumbo Jacks are soft easy on the teeth. (Bob Mills)

Over a half million hits have been registered at the website of the British Royal Family which features a Christmas message from Queen Elizabeth. In January, the site will launch its first commercial — Prince Harry endorsing Bombay Gin. (Bob Mills)

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, formerly a member of the Church of England, has formally defected and has declared himself a Catholic. A move that historians have characterized as the British equivalent of Katie Couric switching from NBC to CBS. (Bob Mills)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Israeli scientists have inscribed the entire Hebrew text of the Jewish Bible onto a space less than half the size of grain of sugar. Such a small object should be a challenge for the Palestinian terrorists who will inevitably try to blow it up. (Jake Novak)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

After the first of the year, smoking in Paris bistros will be illegal. That’s too bad, smoking was their best line of defense against the body odor. (Alex Kaseberg)

On January 1, France began enforcing a ban on smoking in restaurants, hotels, casinos, cafes and brasseries. The ban was instituted after doctors concluded that tobacco use accounted for 61,000 French deaths a year — a health threat rivaled only by excessive viewing of Jerry Lewis movies. (Bob Mills)

SCIENCE

Iranian scientists announced on Tuesday that their nation’s first cloned sheep is now fifteen months old and doing well. The sheep is just a test project of the Iranian government. The big research money is going into making Iraq a clone of Iran. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER

Cold weather inundates the nation. You can tell when it’s frigid in rural Kentucky. To sleep, residents there throw on an extra cousin. (Alan Ray)

SPORTS

The New York Giants hired a repair crew Tuesday to get their press box escalator repaired. It malfunctioned after their last game. The escalator stopped running with Terry Bradshaw on it, stranding him and causing him to miss his flight home to Dallas. (Argus Hamilton)

Peyton Manning will discover that, if he doesn’t do every commercial besides Geico, he will have more time to practice playing football ala Tom Brady, and, thus, he could eventually win a Super Bowl. Or better yet, impregnate a Super Model. (Alex Kaseberg)

The NCAA has launched a $1 million program in which a 15-member governing board will attempt to provide more consistency in officiating. Their goal is to improve on-field use of instant replay, increase training of new referees and establish a slush fund to help referees defray their gambling losses. (Bob Mills)

The Atlanta Falcons hosted the Seattle Seahawks Sunday in Atlanta. The pre-game show was a fight to the death between the Seahawk and Falcon mascots. It’s the closest they could come to a salute to Michael Vick without getting fined by the commissioner. (Argus Hamilton)

New York Knicks coach Isaiah Thomas gets booed relentlessly by the fans at Madison Square Garden. And you can’t blame them, since the Knicks had to pay out that huge sexual harassment settlement against Isaiah, the fans feel cheated, they get screwed by the Knicks each night. (Alex Kaseberg)

The New York Jets said Monday they will sell beer again next year after Sunday’s one-day ban. Drunken fans were encouraging women to strip. You knew if those old stadiums didn’t get rid of those poles that someone would find a way to make some money off them. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens on “Sixty Minutes” vehemently denied injecting steroids into his buttocks, as his trainer swears he did. If the trainer is right, this is the biggest lie about a guy sticking something in his butt since Idaho Senator Larry Craig. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE MEDIA

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer revealed Thursday that Benazir Bhutto sent him a letter to be opened only if she ever got killed. She knew what would happen. It prompted Bill Clinton to send Wolf Blitzer a letter to be opened only if Hillary ever catches him cheating. (Argus Hamilton)

Because of the writers’ strike — get ready for this —many of the awards shows will be canceled this season. So something good has come of all of this. (David Letterman)

CELEBRITIES

A Hollywood restaurant has banned Britney Spears. They put a sign on the door: No Shirt, No Shoes, No Panties, No Service. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

A video clip shows Lindsay Lohan chugging champagne out of a bottle at a New Year’s Eve party. In her defense, Lindsay said she only took a chug of champagne to wash out the after-taste of all the cocaine she snorted. (Alex Kaseberg)

Barron Hilton said Wednesday he’ll leave his fortune to the Conrad Hilton Foundation. It funds adult literacy programs, housing for the mentally ill and treatment for substance abuse. In other words, Paris Hilton convinced her granddad to leave everything to her. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton’s grandfather Barron Hilton, son of Conrad Hilton who founded the hotel chain, will donate 97% of his $2.3 billion estate to charity. Deeply effected by this expression of generosity, Paris has donated $2.3 million to the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department to build a drive-thru jail for incarcerated pop convicts. (Bob Mills)

Donald Trump has launched a magazine. Anyone care to guess the name? The new “Trump” magazine is a little different. You don’t subscribe to it, Trump buys your mailbox in a hostile take over and stuffs the magazine inside of it. (Alex Kaseberg)

The winner of the Miss France contest, Valerie Begue, was replaced by the first runner-up, Miss Caledonia, after nude photos of her were, in violation of pageant rules, published in Entrevue Magazine. On a positive note for Valerie though, she was awarded the coveted “Overall Career Enhancement Trophy,” established in honor of Vanessa Williams. (Bob Mills)

Ralph J. Roberts, the 87 year old founder of Comcast will continue to be paid five years after his death according to has latest contract. Paying someone after death is not new in broadcasting. Larry King has been doing it for years. (Jim Barach)

Hollywood movie producer Jon Peters was served Friday with two sex-harassment lawsuits. One plaintiff is his office maid and the other plaintiff is his housemaid in Malibu. Under Hollywood law he could be convicted because he didn’t kill them. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

Connecticut will begin offering online courses to high school students. Now teens can sleep in and learn whenever they want to. There shouldn’t be too much of an adjustment period. (Alan Ray)

In Connecticut: An elementary school has banned soccer, kickball and tag at recess because the games are, quote, “too competitive and can lead to self esteem issues.” I’m pretty sure if I was still in school I wouldn’t be allowed to play my favorite game at recess: Hang a Second Grader By His Ankles From The Roof Until He Screams For His Mommy. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

CULTURE

Detroit’s Lake Superior State University has released their annual list of words or phrases that should be banished. It includes “perfect storm,” “waterboarding,” “post 9-11,” “under the bus,” and “surge.” Inadvertantly omitted: “multi tasking,” “Know what I’m saying?” and “Pat Sejak is in show business.” (Bob Mills)

HISTORY

Newly declassified documents have revealed a 1950 plan by J. Edgar Hoover to suspend the writ of habeas corpus and imprison 12,000 Americans whom he suspected of disloyalty “to protect the country against treason, espionage and sabotage.” Worse, Eddie also wanted to seize, without a court-approved warrant, the lace underwear of their wives. (Bob Mills)

HOLIDAYS

This New Year’s Eve, music blared, Champagne flowed and inebriated people made out with strangers on the street. Or as Paris Hilton called it, “Monday.” (Alan Ray)

Tuesday is New Year’s Day. Once a year in Pasadena, hundreds of thousands flock to the Rose Parade to witness a unique sight. Traffic actually moving in Southern California. (Alan Ray)

For the first time in the Rose Parade’s 119 year history, a float was entered representing the Peoples Republic of China. And an exciting one, to say the least. Spectators along Colorado Boulevard were stunned when it began lobbing ground-to-air missiles at the Taiwan float. (Bob Mills)

Paris and Nicky Hilton were to be paid $500,000 to appear at the LAX club in Las Vegas Monday night. A small price to pay to guarantee a decent New Year’s Eve for everyone in America who weren’t anywhere near the LAX club. (Jake Novak)

The Rose Parade was held in downtown Pasadena on New Year’s Day with over a million parade watchers in attendance. Some things never change. The float that got the biggest cheer was an over-inflated appraisal followed by a no-money-down loan. (Argus Hamilton)

It’s exciting watching the ball descend in Times Square. The ball comes down… down… down… then hits the ground. Sort of like the President’s popularity numbers. (Joe Hickman)

Los Angeles counted down the New Year in style Monday. Hours after New Yorkers watched the crystal ball come down, thousands gathered in Beverly Hills to see the value of their houses come down. Everyone began the countdown together at ten million. (Argus Hamilton)

6 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-05-08

  1. what a lot of effort you’ve spent on this! I enjoyed reading about clinton, obama and mikey. improved my general knowledge. 🙂
    glad to know that you haven’t thrown in the towel yet and are enjoying yourself.

  2. The Time cover of Putin was washed with a blue tint to give highlight the icy coldness and the pixs alos highlighted the chilling quality of the man. Good read that was-told you how mysterious and ruthless he can be.
    Happy New Year.

  3. Nita: no effort, and a pleasure, actually!
    Maami: Happy New Year to you, and great blogging, too!

  4. Rambodoc:

    Alex Kaseberg has a point about the ‘defense de fumer’ in Paris. I extrapolate from local reports following the smoking ban in the UK. Pubs in Britain – mostly the ones people describe as ‘my local’ etc – now cannot mask the smell of unclean toilets, drinkers with flatulence issues and sweat and so on…

    And I am surprised you missed the best gag of the week:

    Hillary Clinton introduced the Letterman show saying: “”Dave has been off the air for eight long weeks because of the writers’ strike. Tonight, he’s back. Oh, well, all good things come to an end.”

    This is no different from his own Globes gag, is it? I think he was inspired by Hillary!

    And the rest of the gags – what can I say? Except please somebody, get the writers’ strike to finish soon; these ‘comedians’ need their writers. 😛

  5. I love these weekly round ups, Doc! You give us the cream without having to wade through the dredges ourselves.

  6. hhehe… nice fun read 🙂

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