WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-19-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

President Bush says he’s worried Iraq will be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, let me tell you something. If it’s good enough for the Republican Party, it is good enough for Iraq. (Jay Leno)

The U.N. is calling a U.S. report that claims Iran is developing weapons-grade nuclear technology “outrageous”. In its defense, the U.S. pointed out that its intelligence has never been wrong before. (Jake Novak)

Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year. (Author Unknown)

Other than not drinking the water, what is the one thing you should never do in Mexico?
Jessica Simpson (Author Unknown)

On Tony Roma dating Jessica Simpson, and Matt Leinart dating Paris Hilton: It’s part of the NFL’s new program, “No Bimbo Left Behind.” (Scott Ostler)

I looks like the Democratic field really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it’s going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it’s a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life. (Jay Leno)

Do you realize how huge ‘American Idol’ is? It’s huge! More Americans will participate in ‘American Idol’ than in the election of our next president. It’s true. That’s a true fact. And they’ll be happier about the result. (Conan O’Brien)

According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? President Bush commented on this today, he said, “Why do we need our kids to find the U. S. on a map? They’re already here.” (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton was the only Democratic candidate on Michigan’s primary ballot Monday after Barack Obama and John Edwards dropped out. Her opponent on the ballot was a box marked Uncommitted. It’s the first time she’s ever run against her husband. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush is currently visiting our good friends in Saudi Arabia. Today, President Bush said the Saudis are fully enlisted in the war on terrorism. Oh, yeah. So fully, they’re on both sides. (Jay Leno)

The United States seems to be experiencing a baby boomlet, reporting the largest number of children born in 45 years. Researchers believe that number of births could increase even more considering that writers are on strike and all the TV shows are crap. (Pedro Bartes)

The White House announces today it will sell Saudi Arabia twenty billion dollars worth of jet bombers with precision-guided bombs. Not to worry. We’re also going to sell Israel twenty billion dollars worth of anti-aircraft missiles to shoot them down. (Argus Hamilton)

Now that the government has approved genetically-engineered animal and dairy products, Ben and Jerry are planning their first ice cream clone. (Scott Witt)

President Bush says the U.S. presence in Iraq will outlast his presidency. The question is, will the U.S. outlast his presidency? (Jim Barach)

LINKS TO THE WEB

Capital Steps: Bomb Iran

THE PRIMARIES

Mitt Romney won the Republican primary in Michigan even though most polls had given Senator John McCain the lead. McCain’s wife is infuriated because she now suspects her husband could be dating Jessica Simpson. (Pedro Bartes)

Congratulations to Mitt Romney, he was the big winner in the Michigan primary… His dad used to be governor there, which I think is an inspiration. It proves in America that you don’t have to be the wife of a former president to win, sometimes you can just be the son of a governor. (Jay Leno)

By gosh, Mitt Romney won the primary in Michigan. How about that? Which, as you know, now makes him a shoe-in to become president of Michigan. We’re all very proud of Mitt. He’s the only presidential candidate to come from the Channel 2 news team. Let’s throw it over to Mitt and see what’s going on in the weather. (David Letterman)

John McCain came in second in Michigan. There was one embarrassing moment yesterday when McCain spoke at a polling place that was also a funeral home. I don’t want to say McCain looked old but when he tried to leave the funeral home, he had to show ID. (Jay Leno)

Well, because of some discrepancies in the voting, New Hampshire says they will do a hand recount of all of Dennis Kucinich’s votes. Luckily, they will only need one hand. (Jay Leno)

THE CANDIDATES

The Democrats debated tonight in Las Vegas. Barack Obama picked up a very important endorsement there from the Hookers Union. If you can get the hookers, all you need is about half the magicians and you have the state of Nevada locked up. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Dennis Kucinich today got a judge to order MSNBC, the cable channel, to let him be a part of the debate, which is the political equivalent of your mom forcing the other kids to play with you. (Jimmy Kimmel)

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is “still trying to decide” whether to buy the U.S. presidency, aides to Mr. Bloomberg confirmed today, with the sticking point reportedly being the steep price of such an acquisition. (Andy Borowitz)

Congratulations to Hillary Clinton! Despite all the predictions by pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama apologized for “overzealous workers” who had injected the race issue into the Democratic campaign. From now on, he promised his staffers would no longer point out the fact that he’s black and Hillary is an alien. (Jake Novak)

Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday. He accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It’s the fairy tale in which a very horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens… but a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. (Jimmy Kimmel)

During his campaign in South Carolina, Mitt Romney said he’s got a plan to revive the textile industry. It is a pretty simple plan: set air conditionings on 30 degrees so that everybody will have to wear sweaters. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton taped the ‘Tyra Banks Show,’ which will air, I guess, on Friday. Tyra asked Hillary if she could be on a reality show, which reality show would she like to be on. Hillary said ‘Dancing With The Stars.’ If Barack Obama keeps doing well, she can be on that show sooner than she thinks. (Jay Leno)

These pundits can be very unfair, like they always ask Barack Obama if he’s black enough. Nobody asks Mitt Romney if he’s white enough. I guess he is white enough. (Jay Leno)

I don’t get this. Hillary Clinton’s been bragging all year long that she’s been doing this for 35 years, but she just found her voice on Tuesday? There’s a medical term for this: “slow learner.” (Bill Maher)

Some sad news today for Barack Obama. Did you hear about this? Apparently, he’s been endorsed by former candidate John Kerry. Just when things were going so well. (Jay Leno)

Not such good news for John Edwards . .. he came in third, proving there really are two Americas? and neither one is voting for him. (Jay Leno)

And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. Fascinating story about John McCain – highly decorated veteran, spent five and half years in prison, then went into politics… Usually it’s the other way around. (Jay Leno)

After making remarks in which he directly equated homosexuality with bestiality, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee was attacked at the San Francisco Zoo by a gay tiger. (Andy Borowitz)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush says if he were running for President, he would run as an agent of change. He then declared he was going to continue to stay the course. (Jim Barach)

President Bush says the U.S. presence in Iraq will outlast his presidency. As will the national deficit, a bad global image and the search for Osama Bin Laden. (Jim Barach)

President Bush flew to Egypt Wednesday where he was greeted by President Hosni Mubarek on landing. It was his eighth country on the trip. President Bush kissed so many Arab men this week that he was mistaken for Princess Diana at three of his stops. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush left for the Middle East today. At the airport, he said he wants to bring peace to Gandalf and all the Hobbits that live out there. (Craig Ferguson)

President Bush hailed Palestinians for their new democracy Monday. It’s a noble experiment. The idea is to take a nation that’s one-third snipers, one-third bomb makers and one-third kidnappers and see what happens when you give them majority rule. (Argus Hamilton)

President George W. Bush is in the Middle East… [he] would like to settle the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He’s so confident about doing this that he’s already unfolding the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner. (David Letterman)

There’s no doubt George Bush is confused? he thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perlman. (David Letterman)

THE COURTS

The New York Times says the Supreme Court may give the okay for voter ID laws. You know what this is? This means you would have to show an ID to get into a voting booth, which is pretty amazing considering right now most people don’t even show an ID to get into the country” (Jay Leno)

THE STATES

Piyush “Bobby” Jindal, the son of Indian immigrants, was sworn in on Monday as the governor of Louisiana. He received tons of congratulatory phone calls and a couple of tech support questions. (Pedro Bartes)

California is having a lot budget problems. In his budget talk speech yesterday, our own Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that California should be more like Arkansas. And today, Britney Spears’ pregnant 16-year-old sister said, “Hey, I’m doing my part.” (Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

Gang killings in Los Angeles dropped sharply in 2007. Apparently the combination of smog and brush fire smoke made it impossible to see anyone long enough to shoot them. (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A Las Vegas judge refused to release OJ Simpson who was jailed after he violated an order not to communicate with his co-defendants. Worse for the Juice, she doubled his bail from $125,000 to $250,000. The infamous running back may get his vengeance, though. He? s teaching his cell mates how to sneak up behind guards, slit their throats and get away with it. (Bob Mills)

THE MILITARY

The Army has overturned the court martial conviction of the only commissioned officer found guilty of dereliction of duty in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal. Thus concluding another glorious chapter in the history of the greatest military force on earth — “Operation Whitewash.” (Bob Mills)

CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

The American Civil Liberties Union said Wednesday that sex in a public bathroom stall is private and legal. It’s sad. All the work that public health officials did to convince people they cannot get AIDS from a toilet seat is pretty much down the drain. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ & IRAN

A scary incident in the Strait of Hormuz. Iranian boats threatened our Navy. President Bush said today that he has no plans to attack Iran. Oh he’s still going to attack, he just has no plans. (Jay Leno)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

President Bush has called for an end to the Israeli military occupation of land claimed by Palestinians. If anyone knows what a mess can be created by occupying another country in the Middle East, it is President Bush. (Jim Barach)

While he was in Saudi Arabia this week, President Bush met with the Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. See, President Bush is not good in these social situations, like he kept asking the prince about his sister, Paula Abdullah. (Jay Leno)

Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let’s hope it works out better than their pledge to fight terrorism. (Jay Leno)

Saudi Arabia announced today that contrary to rumors of dwindling oil supplies, they have plenty of oil. In fact, with the most recent estimate, they said they have enough oil to keep screwing us for the next 300 years. (Jay Leno)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Twins who were separated at birth in England happened to meet and get married. The marriage was annulled as the only other option was to move to Arkansas. (Jim Barach)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

The French President is dating a supermodel. She is so thin — he could date three women like her before reaching the average weight of the women Bill Clinton dated when he was President. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

France’s president Nicolas Sarkozy is dating a supermodel. Talk about being wined and dined. She’s been spotted throwing up in some of the best restaurants in Paris. (Alan Ray)

SCIENCE

Scientists announced today they have been able to grow rat hearts in a lab. Finally, some good news for Dick Cheney (Jay Leno)

Scientists at the University of Minnesota? s Center for Cardiovascular Repair have successfully created an operating artificial heart solely from cells taken from a rat. Human tests will follow and, if successful, will be followed by an attempt to create an artificial conscience for tobacco company executives hoping to change careers. (Bob Mills)

Archaeologists believe a 3,000-year-old stone slab just discovered in Veracruz, Mexico is the oldest written tablet ever discovered in the Western Hemisphere. The ancient text describes the best way to sneak over the border to California. (Jake Novak)

Scientists found fossils of a 2,000 pound prehistoric rodent in Uruguay. Talk about myth busting. This alters what researchers have long thought about the weight and size of the earliest lawyers. (Alan Ray)

HEALTH

New research shows that flu germs can be transmitted via paper money. Fortunately for everybody, we have an administration that is doing anything they can to fight the flu by spreading poverty. (Pedro Bartes)

The Food and Drug Administration ruled Tuesday that cloned sheep and cloned cattle are safe to eat. It’s scary. If cloning is successfully tested on humans we could be alternating Bushes and Clintons in the White House for the next two thousand years. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

The New England area was hit with a strong winter storm. In fact, it was so cold, Patriot QB Tom Brady cuddled up with a super model just to get warm. (Alex Kaseberg)

SPORTS

The Green Bay Packers combat the New York Giants for the NFC title Sunday with the game time temperature forecast at ten degrees. The players are bracing for it. The trainers have their syringes ready but it turns out anti-freeze is a banned substance. (Argus Hamilton)

The Dallas Cowboys were shocked by the underdog New York Giants and eliminated from the NFL playoffs. The fans are outraged. Next weekend every Sunday school in Dallas will be reading children the Old Testament story of Tony and Delilah. (Argus Hamilton)

Cowboy fans are blaming Dallas’ 21-17 loss to the New York Giants on Tony Romo’s much-photographed Mexican vacation with his girlfriend Jessica Simpson. Come on, the only way Jessica could ruin a game for the Cowboys is if she was in charge of adding up their points. (Alex Kaseberg)

Tarnished Heisman is a new book detailing a sports marketer’s claim that he handed Reggie Bush three hundred thousand cash while he was still in school. It’s like that for all USC star athletes. The moment they turn pro, their best earning years are behind them. (Argus Hamilton)

Olympic runner Marion Jones admitted to lying about taking steroids. She got the maximum sentence: six months in prison. The good news: Because she’s the fastest woman on earth, she’ll be able to serve it in three days, 28 minutes. (Jay Leno)

Terrell Owens cried at the press conference after Dallas lost the game to the Giants in the NFL playoffs. Hasn’t he learned anything from Hillary? You’re supposed to cry before the competition if you want to win. (Pedro Bartes)

Frustrated by persistent questions about steroid use, pitcher Roger Clemens through a car at a reporter. (Andy Borowitz)

Bill Purcells has named Tony Sparano as head coach of the cellar-dwelling, 15-1 Miami Dolphins. Actually, it was a mistake caused by a secretary? s typo. Purcells intended to offer the job to Tony Soprano, hoping he would knock off a few opposing defensive linemen. (Bob Mills)

Disgraced Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones was sentenced to six months in prison for perjury. There? s some good news, though. She will be allowed to participate in the institution? s intramural track & field events, except, of course, the pole vault. (Bob Mills)

Major League Baseball has added a drug enforcement unit to the commissioner? s office. From now on, official player stats will include hits, runs, errors, RBI? s and average performance enhancement drug urinalysis scores. (Bob Mills)

In Wisconsin, a man taped his 7-year-old son to a chair for an hour because he refused to wear a Green Bay Packer jersey during the game against the Seattle Seahawks. Apparently the incident began when the boy insisted on pronouncing the Packer’s QB name correctly as Brett Fav-rah. (Alex Kaseberg)

Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo was spotted wearing a new t-shirt. It said in big letters on the front: “I slept with Jessica Simpson and Lost the Game”. Then on the back it says “Ask me if I would do it again.” (Alex Kaseberg)

The New England Patriots are big favorites over the San Diego Chargers for the AFC Championship. In fact, the only chance the Chargers have is if before the game, Tom Brady goes on vacation with Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse. (Alex Kaseberg)

ENTERTAINMENT

“The Bucket List” is tops at the box office. Two terminally ill men enjoying things they had always wanted to do is a bit far fetched. In real life, their health insurance company would dump them. (Alan Ray)

The Smurfs turn 50 this year. You can tell the cute little creatures are aging. They still eat smurfberries from smilax leaves, but now it’s to keep them regular. (Alan Ray)

“Mad Money” is out in theaters. Government employees stealing money from the Federal Reserve is a bit far fetched. In real life, they wouldn’t all show up to work on the same day. (Alan Ray)

CELEBRITIES

Chess legend Bobby Fischer has died at 64. I guess even Bobby finally got checkmated. I feel sorry for him, however. He had become a pawn in international politics. (Charles Wukasch)

64 is an appropriate age for a chess master to check out. He must have been board. I guess he’s now back to square one. I wonder if we should consider him another castle-ty of the cold war? (Gary Hallock)

Britney Spears caused a riot Monday when she arrived hours late at Los Angeles Court for her child custody hearing. It had its effect on the ruling. The judge seemed to agree that the infant boys are no longer capable of caring for their mother. (Argus Hamilton)

In his new book, “Tom Cruise: An Unofficial Biography,” British author Andrew Morton claims that Suri, the daughter of Cruise and wife Katie Holmes, was actually the result of an injection of cryogenically preserved sperm from L. Ron Hubbard. Even more shocking, if it? s not the cult leader? s sperm, Andy claims to have additional evidence that it could have come from John Travolta. (Bob Mills)

O.J. Simpson was flown back to Las Vegas and jailed on Wednesday. This is a town that lets you drink alcohol on the streets and gamble and buy hookers twenty-four hours a day. It takes an athlete of O.J. Simpson’s caliber to break the law in Las Vegas. (Argus Hamilton)

After just two weeks, Eddie Murphy’s marriage broke up; apparently his new wife didn’t like it when Eddie asked her to dress like a guy dressed as a girl and stand on Santa Monica Blvd while he drove by and picked her up. (Alex Kaseberg)

After OJ Simpson was released from the Las Vegas jail he returned home to Miami and his girlfriend threw him a surprise “Welcome Home” party complete with a cake. OJ, booze, a knife and a defenseless blonde. Gosh, what could go wrong? (Alex Kaseberg)

There is a celebrity impersonator named Eddie Edwards, a guy, who specializes in impersonating Cher and Barbra Streisand. That’s even too gay for Idaho Senator Larry Craig. He’ll pick up dudes in airport bathrooms but watch a guy impersonate Barbara and Cher? Way too gay. (Alex Kaseberg)

O.J. Simpson was flown to Las Vegas and jailed on Friday for bail violation. The value of his memorabilia is way up. The blood at the crime scene tested negative for steroids the day he set an NFL record for most number of people killed in one day. (Argus Hamilton)

Congratulations to Nicole Ritchie who has given birth to a baby girl. She’s 6 lbs, 7 ounces! No word yet as to how much the baby weighs. (Patrick Gorse)

Just two weeks after having a non-binding wedding ceremony overseas, Eddie Murphy and his girlfriend have broken up. According to Murphy’s wife, he behaved like an ass all the time. (Pedro Bartes)

RELIGION

Several Muslim leaders are expressing anger over a speech Pope Benedict XVI recently made that was critical of Islam. Arabs are mostly furious about the increased workload now that they’re going to have to start killing Jews AND Catholics. (Jake Novak)

CULTURE

The Detroit Auto Show unveiled fifty new models for six thousand journalists Sunday. The new sport utility vehicles are larger than ever. The average American car weighs fifty percent more than it did twenty years ago but then so does the average American. (Argus Hamilton)

The United States seems to be experiencing a baby boomlet, reporting the largest number of children born in 45 years. Researchers believe the numbers of births will continue to grow as long as the U. S. imports the condoms from China. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

General Motors is producing a driver-less car. We already have them here in New York City: It? s called a cab. (David Letterman)

For the first time since 1999, Victoria’s Secret has purchased a thirty second Super Bowl ad. According to reports, it will show Patriots coach Bill Belichick hiding behind a screen with his cell phone camera taking pictures of Victoria’s dressing room. (Bob Mills)

There’s been a shakeup of top executives at Starbucks for opening too many stores. The new management admitted that putting coffee bars in maternity wards and funeral homes was a bit much, but said it just wanted to capture customers coming and going. (Scott Witt)

6 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-19-08

  1. to what r u up
    hows trading happening ???

    be careful and take it cool

  2. hey haven’t heard from you all week….
    how r u? markets r up again

  3. Hahaha, love reading news of this variety.

  4. Guys, I have been busy at work. In addition, owing to the increasing demand from women for ‘more of me’, I am doing major gym workouts to lose some pounds. Hopefully, with less of me, the market demand should go down.
    Keep comin’!

  5. I thought demand and supply had inverse relationships… :-S

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