WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-02-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“60 Minutes” says Saddam Hussein faked having WMD to prevent an invasion from Iran. Well, he sure showed them. (Jim Barach)

Fox says they will not carry political ads during the Super Bowl telecast. The network says political ads should stay where they belong. Disguised as news stories on the Fox News Channel. (Jim Barach)

Exit polls showed that Bill’s campaigning actually hurt Hillary. I just hope it doesn’t cause any tension in their marriage. (Jay Leno)

President Bush has announced his new economic plan this week. It’s called “The Check Is In The Mail.” (Jay Leno)

There are rumors several writers might have crossed the picket line and started working again. The union suspects that only professional fiction writers could’ve written Bush’s last state of the union address. (Pedro Bartes)

Jessica Simpson has been linked with Arizona Cardinal QB Matt Leineart and Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo. In fact, Jessica has nailed more quarterbacks than the entire Oakland Raiders defensive line.

It looks like the Democratic field has really narrowed down. It’s going to be a black man or a white woman. A black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life. (Jay Leno)

President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. In our last year’s State of the Union speech, President Bush said, “The economy is on the move.” This year he said, “Where’d it go?” (Jay Leno)

Mitt Romney … is a man who wants to be president. He is telling the Republican base, “I am Mitt Romney, Mormon android and I will say whatever you program me to say. I will run on a platform of stopping illegal immigrants from having sex with Bill Clinton until the surge has succeeded.” (Bill Maher)

The Herbal Nutrition Center in Los Angeles unveiled the world’s first marijuana vending machine Tuesday, which dispenses pot in an envelope after scanning the customer’s fingerprints and ID card. It’s controversial. This clearly discriminates against illegal immigrants in Los Angeles public schools. (Argus Hamilton)

Today is the 171st birthday of the flush toilet. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, ‘the love seat’ (David Letterman)

Brijit.com is a new website that will condense magazine articles into a single paragraph for those who don’t have the time to read them in full. It was the idea of a guy who used to work at the White House removing the big words from Bush’s intelligence reports. (Bob Mills)

Have you heard this story? They’re trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don’t we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? ‘Crook,’ ‘liar,’ ‘adulterer,’ ‘pinhead,’ ‘moron,’ these are all gender-neutral. (Jay Leno)

Rudy Giuliani withdrew from the GOP presidential race Wednesday and no one can explain his lack of Republican support. It couldn’t be his Catholicism. With a trophy wife, gay friends, a pro-choice stance and warlike nature, he’s an Episcopalian in all but name. (Argus Hamilton)

Congressman Steve Wexler collected two hundred thousand signatures Friday calling for impeachment hearings. It’s too late. We engaged in pre-emptive war, torture, kidnapping and illegal wiretapping, and history will show the only one who went to jail was Kiefer Sutherland. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATE OF THE UNION

George W. Bush’s State of the Union speech was uncommonly defiant. Most presidents use their last State of the Union to list their achievements, but aides told Bush the speech needed to be more than 5 minutes long. (Janice Hough)

The White House announced that President Bush’s State of the Union address would be simulcast in English. (Andy Borowitz)

Did you hear the Bush State of the Union speech? “The economy is strong, Democracy is alive and well in Afghanistan and the Iraqis are making great strides in establishing a strong central government.” If this sounds like last year’s State of the Union, it is. Don’t blame Bush, blame the writers strike. (Patrick Gorse)

During the speech, President Bush was optimistic and upbeat about Iraq and the economy. So, apparently, he’s drinking again. (David Letterman)

In the president’s last State of the Union, his speech is interrupted by ennui 37 times, deja vu a dozen, and either sporadic applause or someone setting off cherry bombs in the gallery. (Michael Feldman)

It was the annual State of the Union address down in Washington. By the way, this is President Bush’s last State of the Union address. The next State of the Union address will be given by Co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton. You know, that’s what everybody is worried about. They say that Bill will actually be calling the shots. They will be the co-presidents. And I’m thinking this is going to be tremendous. You know what it is going to be like? It’s going to be like Regis and Kelly. (David Letterman)

President Bush is standing there giving his State of the Union, and behind him you can see Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi sitting right behind the president. And man, what a strange, you know, it looks like a married couple waiting for their divorce to be final. (David Letterman)

During the State of the Union address, whoa what a rowdy crowd. Crazy crowd. At one point, Cheney had to fire a couple of shots in the air. It was such a riveting speech, the State of the Union speech, Senator Larry Craig only took two bathroom breaks. About halfway through, Senator Ted Kennedy sent over a couple of drinks to the Bush twins. (David Letterman)

The experts are saying the State of the Union address was very ambitious. President Bush said he plans to introduce dozens of bold, new mispronunciations (David Letterman)

President Bush said the State of the Union was good, not as good as his buddies at Exxon, but still pretty good. (Jay Leno)

President Bush also promoted his stimulus package, where each American will get $600. This is part of the “You Got Screwed, But Here’s Cab Fare Plan.” (Jay Leno)

You know what I thought was interesting? While the president was speaking last night, they had an online translation of the speech in Arabic, Vietnamese, Mandarin Chinese, Farsi and Spanish. So, I guess President Bush really is trying to reach out to the people of California.”(Jay Leno)

THE PRIMARIES

Everybody knows Barack Obama won big in South Carolina, but the Clintons have already implied that it doesn’t really count. I have to say, I agree because I wasn’t running. As The Nation magazine said yesterday, “Last fall, of course, South Carolina’s youth had different loyalties: before his candidacy was ruled out, Stephen Colbert was polling in double digits. With Colbert on the ballot, who knows what would have gone down?” It is questions like those that have a lot of people saying, “South Carolina, what could have been” (Stephen Colbert)

Republicans are campaigning down in Florida, where most voters are in their 50s and 60s, or as John McCain calls them, the youth vote. (Craig Ferguson)

The big news is that John McCain won the GOP Florida Primary. Hillary Clinton also won down in the Sunshine State, but her votes don’t count in Florida because she’s a Democrat. (Patrick Gorse)

Congratulations to Senator John McCain, the big winner in Florida. You know, this was what they call a GOP-only primary. So McCain had to win over a whole new voter group for him — Republicans. Actually, it was a tough fight for McCain, because a lot of Florida voters were not sure about him. You know, at age 71, McCain was a lot younger than most Florida Republicans. So they were a little leery that some punk is coming in. (Jay Leno)

The big issue in South Carolina was lost textile jobs. That’s why Hillary was so stunned that she came in a distant second. In fact, she said, “I’ve been wearing all of these pantsuits for nothing.” (Jay Leno)

Finishing second to John McCain in the Florida primary, Romney dragged out his stump speech to help cheer up his disappointed campaign staffers and included this gem on the plummeting value of the American dollar: “Now we’re threatened by other countries like Asia and India.” Run for your lives! BUSH HAS A TWIN! (Bob Mills)

The Democrats will not count the Florida vote. They’re punishing Florida for moving their primary up. Do you know about this? So the delegates don’t count. How ironic is that? The one election in Florida that is done early and it doesn’t count. (Jay Leno)

THE CANDIDATES

Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to 12%, and that’s just among his children. (Jay Leno)

It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy. (Jay Leno)

Sylvester Stallone announced today he is endorsing John McCain. I think that’s what he said. He might have said, “Hand me my cane.” (Jay Leno)

Fred Thompson dropped out of the race. Critics said he ran somewhat of a lackluster campaign. That may be a little bit true. His campaign slogan was “Tanned, Rested And In Remission.” (Bill Maher)

Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don’t worry about him. He’s already busy looking for wife number four. (David Letterman)

John Edwards also dropped out of the race today. He said he wants to spend more time with his haircut. (David Letterman)

Giuliani said he’s going to stay active. He said he will endorse John McCain; whereas Edwards surprised everyone by saying he will endorse Herbal Essence Fruit Fusions Volumizing shampoo. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Mitt Romney said the world can’t ignore Iran like it ignored Adolf Hitler. It’s a numbers game. He thinks he can lock up the twenty percent of Americans who still support President Bush by showing that he has what it takes to lie us into another war. (Argus Hamilton)

Mitt Romney said Thursday he will spend millions of his own fortune to run for president. He noted Hillary and Barack each raised one hundred million dollars to run. The White House is the only house in America that has gone up in price this year.(Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama got a big boost with that Kennedy family endorsement. Did you see that? The Kennedys came out for Barack Obama. Yeah, yeah. Now, the next big party endorsement is Al Gore. And both Barack and Hillary are going all out to try and avoid that one. (Jay Leno)

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has sent her husband, former President Bill Clinton, on a “special campaign trip” to Antarctica that could last “six or seven months,” Clinton aides confirmed today. “From here on in, Bill is going to be our man in Antarctica, ” said top Clinton strategist Mark Penn. “We have sent him down there with enough food and firewood to last until the Democratic convention this summer.” (Andy Borowitz)

Capping off what’s being called the worst political miscalculation in history, despite a week spent crisscrossing the state with his girlfriend dressed as Lucy and Desi, Giuliani was unable to attract enough former New Yorkers and displaced Cubans to make a successful showing in the Florida primary. Aides were quick to admit that he probably should have spent more time mounting a viable national campaign and less time mounting Judith Nathan. (Bob Mills)

Then John McCain one-upped Mitt Romney to create a classic sound bite when he said, “Mitt, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is no Adolph Hitler — and I knew Adolph Hitler!” (Joe Hickman)

Actually, Giuliani’s Florida strategy, it’s pretty smart because if he doesn’t win there, he can always retire. He’s already there! (Jay Leno)

What’s going on with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? I’m not going to say they’re acting childish, but today Hillary issued a statement saying, “I’m rubber. You’re glue.” (Jay Leno)

Dennis Kucinich has dropped out of the presidential race. He’s going back to his old job as a Keebler elf. (Jay Leno)

Rudy Giuliani has dropped out of the GOP race for president. Actually, he didn’t find leaving to be such a bad ordeal. It’s the first time he’s quit something and didn’t have to pay alimony. (Alan Ray)

John Edwards has quit the Democratic race for president. He was worried that he only had a few million dollars left in his war chest. “Do I spend it on TV time, or do I get another haircut?” (Alan Ray)

John Edwards bowed out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination on Wednesday. Though it’s a long shot, he still might could switch parties and win. No Republican ever had hair that good. (Joe Hickman)

Now, after spending tens of millions of dollars, and then dropping out of the race, John Edwards has to decide who he’s going to endorse-SuperCuts, or Fantastic Sams. (Patrick Gorse)

Florida was not good to Rudy Giuliani. He failed to win over the voters, wasted millions of campaign funds, and threw up while riding “Escape from Witch Mountain.” (Jake Novak)

Ann Coulter said on a website she would vote for Hillary over John McCain. Political analysts were shocked, because everybody knows Hillary doesn’t poll well among men. (Pedro Bartes)

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is endorsing John McCain today; just weeks after Sylvester Stallone made the same announcement. McCain is said to be very excited, because he finally has something in common with the Reagan era: The horrible action movies. (Pedro Bartes)

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani formally ended his presidential candidacy and threw his endorsement to John McCain. You can already see Giuliani’s influence in the McCain campaign. In a new TV ad McCain is blaming 9/11 on the Mormons. (Pedro Bartes)

Wrestler Hulk Hogan has announced he’s endorsing Barack Obama. Barack needs Hogan to beat Hillary; Bill has been trying for years to put Hillary on her back, but has never been successful. (Pedro Bartes)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Barbara Bush says it hurts more to hear criticism about her son than about her husband. Especially when it is her husband who is constantly criticizing her son. (Jim Barach)

This week marked the one-year-left point in the Bush presidency. Folks, I’m with you, but stop cheering. He is still allowed to touch things. I pray he doesn’t have one more giant f— up in him, because, you know, he does keep trying. He tried to screw up Social Security, right? He tried to appoint his cleaning lady to the Supreme Court. He tried to get a war cry going to attack Iran. It’s not like he’s going to quit. He’s going to be the worst president ever to the very last minute of the very last day. So I’m still nervous about this last year. I have the same feeling about this last year of his in office as I have when I’m on the highway and I have to go to the bathroom and I just passed a sign that says ‘Next Rest Stop: 28 miles.” (Bill Maher)

(Bush) gave his last State of the Union address last night. There aren’t too many people who will tell you that President Bush was a great president. And if there are, they probably work for Fox News. Fox News on Sunday night, they had a one-hour tribute special called ‘George W. Bush, Fighting To The Finish.’ They said a lot of silly things, but this might have been the silliest [on screen: FNC’s Bret Baier saying, ‘From the beginning, George W. Bush has been frequently ridiculed for his speaking style. Now, seven years later, he’s credited with some of the most eloquent speeches delivered by a president’]. He is? Come on (immy Kimmel)

So now, after his final State of the Union Address, is George W. Bush a lame-duck President? After the speech it seemed maybe his strut had turned into a waddle. Poor George. I don’t think he ever wanted to be President anyway. It’s just that he was born with silver boot up his butt. (Joe Hickman)

It looks like even President Bush is now being affected by the writers’ strike. Well sure, no new “SpongeBob’ episodes.” (Jay Leno)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney, he turns 67 today. They had a big cake and Cheney blew out the candles with his shotgun.

Not only Bush will be out of a gig in about a year, but Cheney will also be out of the office. Don’t worry about him. After leaving office, he’s got it all lined up. He is going to be doing a one-man show right here on Broadway. A one-man show. It’s called “The Angina Monologues” (David Letterman)

Attorney General Michael Mukasey clarified his position on waterboarding, saying, “Having to answer questions about whether waterboarding is torture or not is torture.” (Andy Borowitz)

THE DEMOCRATS

Al Gore’s cable TV channel Current will go public, making him a billionaire this year. He’s got an Oscar, a Grammy, a Nobel Peace Prize, a fortune in Google stock, and now this. Saddam Hussein made the mortal mistake of being the next guy to lose to George W. Bush.(Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

Medical marijuana vending machines will soon be set up in Los Angeles. They’ll be easy to spot.The are the ones that are surrounded by vending machines for Twinkies, Pop-Tarts and Doritos. (Jim Barach)

Here’s something that happens often. Cops chase a naked guy in Montana for 18 hours. Eighteen hours! And I’m thinking, “You’ve got to get some help, Sen. Craig.” (David Letterman)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Ole Stabby (OJ) Simpson. He’s back in jail. He violated his probation. He made an illegal phone call. I don’t know who he called; I think he wanted to vote on “American Idol” a day early or something. (Craig Ferguson)

A new study on penology conducted by the Oregon Social Learning Center shows that 48% of prison inmates currently serving time have relatives who are also in prison or on parole. Which explains the Texas Department of Correction’s new “Lethal Injection Family Plan” that includes two-for-one last meals and roll in gurneys at no extra charge. (Bob Mills)

A Michigan woman allegedly tried to hire a hit man to kill her lover’s wife on Craigslist. The ad she placed sort of gave it away. “Do you have the type of personality that blows people away?” (Alan Ray)

SECURITY

Paul Wolfowitz, one of the chief architects of Bush’s dismally executed quagmire of an Iraq War, has been named head of the International Security Advisory Board. Pardon me, but isn’t that a tad like naming Cardinal Mahoney Head Master of Boystown? (Bob Mills)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Wall Street pulled off a stunning three hundred point comeback Wednesday after a global market sell-off Monday. Uncertainty permeates the stock exchange. Nobody knows which securities are backed by mortgages and which are backed by Super Bowl bets. (Argus Hamilton)

The Fed cut interest rates another half point Wednesday. That’s a point and a quarter in the last week. At that rate, by Presidents Day, savers will have to pay banks to keep their IRAs. (Joe Hickman)

Everyone’s worried about the economy. Don’t worry! George W. Bush is going to give it a shot in the arm. If that doesn’t work, Dick Cheney’s going to give it a shot in the face. (David Letterman)

The price of milk has gone up 36 percent. Here’s what happened: The cows have joined OPEC. President Bush is already on the problem. He’s going to fight the high price of milk. He’s planning to invade Wisconsin. (David Letterman)

SPACE & NASA

A 500-foot long asteroid known as TU-24 will pass within 334,000 miles of the earth on Tuesday. A spokesman at NASA explained in laymen’s terms that it’s similar to Rosey O’sDonnell passing within shouting distance of Donald Trump. (Bob Mills)

A large U. S. spy satellite has lost power and could hit the Earth during February. We called Bruce Willis to ask for help. But Bruce said he only does asteroids — he doesn’t do satellites. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Government intelligence experts have lost track of one of their spy satellites the size of a city bus. Observers at NASA believed they had spotted it when they observed a flaming wreck hurtling through the night sky — but it just turned out to be Sean Young. (Bob Mills)

IRAQ & IRAN

A former FBI interrogator tells “60 Minutes” that Saddam Hussein pretended to have WMD in order to keep Iran at bay. Kind of like the way Bush pretends to have a strong enough economy to keep China at bay. (Bob Mills)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Hamas-led militants breached fortifications along the Gaza-Egyptian border for the second time, sending the Egyptian army scurrying for cover. But Israel is not taking this sitting down. Yesterday, they hired two American border security experts as advisors– Pat Buchanan and Lou Dobbs . (Bob Mills)

Egypt protested Tuesday when Palestinians dynamited holes in their border wall in Gaza. Tens of thousands of Palestinians flooded through the openings to go shopping in Egypt for needed goods. Mexico aired it live on the Fine Living channel. (Argus Hamilton)

Saddam Hussein’s FBI interrogator, George Piro, was interviewed Sunday on CBS’ 60 Minutes. He said the jailed dictator was charming and funny and was always trying to flirt with his nurses. Bill Clinton didn’t overthrow him out of professional courtesy. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Dunkin’ Donuts is going to open 100 stores in China; this explains their new donut, the Kung Pao donut with lead sprinkles. (Alex Kaseberg)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Jerome Kerviel, an undistinguished entry level trader with Societe Generale Bank in Paris, is estimated to have amassed losses of $7.2 billion in what is being called “the largest fraud in the history of modern banking.” An impressive amount of waste for sure, but chil’ s play when compared to our undistinguished entry level president’s “largest fraud in the history of modern warfare.” (Bob Mills)

SCIENCE

This week, scientists have discovered a celestial body that’s 18 billion times more massive than the sun. It was immediately hired to co-host “The View.” (Craig Ferguson)

HEALTH

Experts predict a bad cold and flu season. Remember: If God had meant for us not to catch colds and flu — we’d have been born without nostrils. And think how messy that could be — having to blow your ears. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

The 80-20 ratio is important in the health-care system. When patients receive a medical bill, their insurance usually pays 80% and they pay the other 20%. And, of course, 80% of the doctors overcharge the patient by 20%, while the other 20% overcharge the patient by 80%. (Joe Hickman)

According to a recent study, there is a very high level of mercury in tuna in Manhattan. Or as the Hello Deli calls it, the special sauce. (David Letterman)

Here in New York, they’ve found high levels of mercury in sushi. And also in the Yankees. And also in that thing on Donald Trump’s head. And today, in Central Park, a squirrel found traces of mercury in his nuts. (David Letterman)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

It’s pouring in L. A.! CBS has asked me to remind everyone that in the event of flooding, Drew Carey can be used as a flotation device. (Craig Ferguson)

It’s cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers when it’s this cold. For instance, I’m wearing two hairpieces. (David Letterman)

It’s cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers when it’s this cold. For instance, I’m wearing two hairpieces. (David Letterman)

SPORTS

You can tell the Super Bowl hype is in full swing. Jessica Simpson is getting ready to be dumped by Eli Manning. (Alex Kaseberg)

At the Super Bowl media day, a poor man’s Miss Haversham in a wedding dress proposed to Tom Brady. Brady politely declined. He did offer to impregnate her though, so that was nice.

Fox Network said they are not going to run any political ad during the Super Bowl. Apparently, they remember how many problems CBS had the last time they showed a boob during the Half Time show. (Pedro Bartes)

The New York Giants are deep into their preparations for the Super Bowl. Eli Manning is working on his passing, Plaxico Burress is working on his passing routes and Michael Strahan is working on getting 17 game tickets for his divorce attorneys. (Jake Novak)

Tom Brady addressed thousands of reporters on Super Bowl media day while standing on a goal post. He’s set to make sports history. At the rate Tom Brady is going through supermodels, he could become the first football player ever buried at Churchill Downs. (Argus Hamilton)

Major League umpires complained Wednesday that league investigators are asking their neighbors if they belong to the Ku Klux Klan. Now, wait a minute. The Atlanta Braves just lost the division title for the first time in sixteen years, it seems a little late to ask a question like that. (Argus Hamilton)

Eli Manning leads the New York Giants into the Super Bowl a year after brother Peyton Manning did it with Indianapolis. It’s amazing. Tom Cruise is having to deny rumors that his wife has been impregnated by frozen sperm belonging to Archie Manning.(Argus Hamilton)

Shaquille O’Neal released his list of living expenses on Thursday showing that he spent two hundred fifty thousand dollars on gasoline in the last twelve months. He is so smart. He got out of real estate and into gasoline at exactly the right time.(Argus Hamilton)

Shaquille O’Neal listed nearly a million dollars in monthly living expenses in divorce papers he filed last week. He’s in for one expensive lesson. Poker isn’t the only game that starts out with holding hands and ends up in staggering financial loss.(Argus Hamilton)

Phil Mickelson played the Buick Invitational in La Jolla despite his recurring cough. He has the same breathing problems that plague his neighbors in suburban San Diego. Everybody in Rancho de Second Mortgage likes to blame it on the brushfires.(Argus Hamilton)

New York Yankees star Johnny Damon flew to Orlando Tuesday to endorse Rudy Giuliani for president. The centerfielder is famous for his amazing likeness to paintings of Jesus. His endorsement was widely seen as the last nail in Mike Huckabee’s coffin.(Argus Hamilton)

Tiger Woods won Sunday at the Torrey Pines Golf Club in La Jolla, where Wall Street brokerage firms had corporate tents on the course. It was the wrong weekend to have stockbrokers standing on a steep cliff above the ocean. The golf announcers could only pretend they were hang gliders until they were out of camera view. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

Today was a big day in Hollywood. Academy Awards were announced. A lot of Oscar buzz for ‘No Country for Old Men.’ That’s also John McCain’s campaign slogan. Another Oscar nod for ‘There Will Be Blood,’ a story of a ruthless oil tycoon, or as Dick Cheney calls it, “The greatest movie of all time.” (Jay Leno)

Oscar nominations are out with Best Picture nods going to “Atonement,” “Juno,” “Michael Clayton,” “No Country For Old Men”? and “There Will Be Blood.” Tom Cruise was reportedly put under sedation after being told Katie failed to land a supporting nod for “Mad Money.” (Bob Mills)

‘American Idol’ is coming back. ‘American Idol’ features a group of self-deluded pretenders and publicity seekers. It’s just like the presidential race. (David Letterman)

Oliver Stone wants to make a movie about George W Bush. And this just in: Mel Brooks announced he will make a movie about the Clinton Administration. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

“The Eye” opens in movie theaters on Friday. A woman given sight by a cornea transplant discovers a frightening reality. Her HMO rejects it as experimental surgery. (Alan Ray)

Because of the writers’ strike, the Golden Globes had to be cut down from three hours to one hour. And the winner is? The American public. (David Letterman)

ABC has announced they are going to remake ‘Circus of the Stars’. It officially means we’re out of ideas. CBS and Fox are also reportedly working on projects involving famous people doing circus tricks. Which is great news for Gary Coleman. There’s going to be a huge bidding war to see who gets to shoot him out of a cannon. (Jimmy Kimmel)

On Sylvester Stallone’s newest “Rambo” movie: In this film, a heavily armed Rambo breaks across the Canadian border to get cheaper prescription drugs. (Jake Novak)

Overjoyed at the box office success of his third Rambo sequel, Lions Gate is negotiating with Sylvester Stallone for a fourth. The script, already being worked on, will reportedly pit Sly against a gang of Russian bandits who are terrorizing Early Bird Dinner customers at a Leisure World Denny’s. (Bob Mills)

THE MEDIA

CBS’s Mike Wallace underwent triple heart bypass surgery in New York City. Doctors admit they were astounded at the swift recovery of the eighty-nine year old TV legend. While still lying in the ICU, he taped a “60 Minutes” segment on why so many working class Americans can’t afford health insurance. (Bob Mills)

The New York Post stunned its conservative readers Thursday by endorsing Barack Obama. The newspaper has a vested interest. They probably think a black Democratic nominee is a sure way to get John McCain elected president, and wars sell newspapers. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Jessica Simpson sued a tabloid Friday over an article saying Tony Romo broke up with her. She’s a stunningly beautiful blonde. A blackjack dealer once told Jessica Simpson to use her head when she bets, but she felt really stupid pushing chips across the table with her nose.(Argus Hamilton)

Happy news from Hollywood. Angelina Jolie is pregnant, and insiders believe as soon as the child is born, she plans to adopt it. (David Letterman)

Congratulations to Nicole Ritchie. She gave birth to a daughter over the weekend. She weighed 6 pounds, 8 ounces. I don’t know how much the kid weighed. (Craig Ferguson)

Britney Spears showed up at the court house in a short black cocktail dress, for her custody hearing today, but left before the hearing even started. She said, “This club sucks! Let’s get out of here.” Her friend Paris Hilton is strongly in Britney’s corner. Paris said, “I wish everyone would just leave her alone. She’s a great mother. I wish the best for her.” I want to be sure I heard that right. She is? Maybe compared to your mother. I will say this: “My mother rarely showed her vagina to the media.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

There were rumors that Simon Cowell had pec implants. I don’t believe it, but I think there’s a distinct possibility that he had nipple extensions. They were poking through his shirt. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Barbara Walters said Monday she’s been contacted by Britney Spears’ manager Sam Lufti. The manager said Britney’s had some mental issues. The last straw was when she got up on the roof of Cedars-Sinai hospital and tossed bread crumbs to the helicopters.(Argus Hamilton)

Tom Cruise will receive the first Dukati Desmosedici RR motorcycle made of lightweight titanium, magnesium and carbon fiber. The high speed bike that will sell for $72,500 was designed by Tom himself and is shaped like Oprah’s couch. (Bob Mills)

Tom Cruise was allowed to buy a limited-edition Ducati Desmosedici motorcycle just made by engineers in Italy. It’s a shrewd career move. Dying in a fiery crash is what you have to do for attention in Hollywood when you don’t have a drug problem. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

Papal advisor Monsignor Guido Marini has assured nervous Catholics that the current pontiff has no intention of reversing the progressive reforms instituted by Pope John-Paul XXIII in the Second Vatican Council, but rather “desires to return precious elements that have been lost or forgotten.” Like, you know, the Latin mass, Gregorian Chant, priests who don’t molest kids (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

A new survey from Cambridge University in England found that the more sex you have in college the worst your grades get. Not if the people you have sex with are the teachers (Pedro Bartes)

HISTORY

It was this week in 1914 that Henry Ford adopted a minimum wage of $5 a day. And today, to prove they’re not cheap bastards, NBC told the striking writers they will match that. (Jay Leno)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Starbucks is now offering a one dollar cup of coffee. So now Starbucks coffee is available in sizes, biggest to smallest: Vente, Grande, Tall, Short and now the new one dollar El Thimble.

Wal-Mart says that more than half their employees have health insurance. Mainly the half of their employees who have spouses with jobs that offer insurance. (Jim Barach)

Former net nemesis John McEnroe is appearing in television commercials for Kellogg’s All Bran Cereal. In the latest one, he sucker punches Tony the Tiger kicks Cap?n Crunch in the niblets and Karate chops Crackle and Pop before Snap drops him with a taser gun. (Bob Mills)

Tesla Motors of California got a waiver Monday from the government requirement that all cars have air bags. They’re going to make an all-electric car. They successfully convinced the government that an air bag will not save you from electrocution during a rainstorm.(Argus Hamilton)

AWARDS

Miss Michigan won the Miss America pageant in Las Vegas on Saturday. It aired on The Learning Channel. The pageant was kicked off the country music channel last year for asking each contestant what she would do to further the cause of world peace. (Argus Hamilton)

OTHER

A freighter carrying orange juice ran into another ship in Newark Bay. It was considered a tragic navel disaster. (Jim Barach)

6 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-02-08

  1. I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you.

    Jason Rakowski

  2. //Exit polls showed that Bill’s campaigning actually hurt Hillary. I just hope it doesn’t cause any tension in their marriage. (Jay Leno)//What is the poor guy supposed to do. Doomed if he does, doomed if he doesn’t campaign. The tension in his marriage- if he could get away with the Lewinsky affair he can get away with anything. Hillary is too forgiving and that is perhaps why some women voters are not supporting her. Or maybe power is more important than loyalty.
    //Experts predict a bad cold and flu season. Remember: If God had meant for us not to catch colds and flu — we’d have been born without nostrils. And think how messy that could be — having to blow your ears. (Toms Lake Humor Company)// Thats scary, especially for people like Lalu Yadav who has hair coming out of his ears.

  3. Gawd… the ‘love seat’ !

  4. Hi, Have nice day. Thanks:)

  5. Doc..
    Come back here and write one of ur rib crackers..
    Missing ur pun…
    🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s