WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-09-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Today is the start of the Year of the Rat in the Chinese calendar. Congratulations to all the members of congress! (Pedro Bartes)

Once again there’s talk of printing political ads on toilet paper, but it won’t work because most Republicans can’t read and most Democrats don’t use toilet paper. (Scott Witt)

President Bush has become the first president to post his federal budget online and not print it. You can check it at http://www.WeAreAllScrewed.com. (Pedro Bartes)

Eli Manning led New York to Super Bowl victory Sunday a year after his brother Peyton Manning won the Super Bowl for Indianapolis. The money is going to roll in now. By next week Archie Manning will be commanding higher stud fees than Secretariat. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain says he has a lot in common with Ronald Reagan, mainly the Alzheimer. (Pedro Bartes)

Happy birthday to Ellen DeGeneres. Fifty years old today. I’m starting to worry she’ll never find the right guy. (David Letterman)

A company here in Los Angeles is making dolls of all these current political figures…. They’re not like normal dolls where you pull the string and the dolls talk. These are a little different. These, you have to make a large donation to their campaign and then the dolls will say and do whatever you want. (Jay Leno)

The New York Giants stunned the previously undefeated Tom Brady and the New England Patriots by winning Super Bowl XLII. Brady was later consoled by his supermodel girlfriend, who assured him that “this happens to lots of guys.” (Jake Novak)

Both the Republicans and the Democrats have competing growth packages. Let me tell you something, the only person with a growth package in this country that works — Barry Bonds. (Jay Leno)

John Edwards said that even though he is out of the presidential race, he still cares for the little people. And today, to prove it, he had lunch with Dennis Kucinich. (Jay Leno)

John McCain is counting on carrying big cities where political machines prevail, expecting to get the dead man vote because he feels so close to them. (Scott Witt)

THE PRIMARIES

Super Tuesday fractured Republican Party presidential hopes after Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney and John McCain split the vote. Conservatives don’t know where to turn. There’s a movement to recruit Jeb Bush, but the name recognition would kill him. (Argus Hamilton)

After this week’s Republican primaries we can clearly say that John McCain has the title of frontrunner, Mike Huckabee has the title of spoiler, and Rush Limbaugh has his head in an oven. (Jake Novak)

Sen. John McCain padded his lead in the race for Republican national convention delegates Wednesday, and tried to win over conservatives by telling them what they wanted to hear — that he had never had an abortion and never would. (Joe Hickman)

On Super Tuesday: Well, it’s all over now, Hillary can remove the duct tape from Bill’s mouth. (David Letterman)

Mike Huckabee won in West Virginia, Alabama, Arkansas, Tennessee and Georgia plus strong finishes in Oklahoma and Missouri Tuesday. He’s a Southern Baptist minister. Mike Huckabee’s held more people under water than the CIA and the East Germans put together. (Argus Hamilton)

Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She won here in California. Her people were worried; they thought it would be close. This was Hillary’s longest night not looking for her husband. (Jay Leno)

John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain’s lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky – six months ago, that was his campaign war chest. Hillary Clinton also carries around a lucky nickel. Not for superstitious reasons – she just flips it when she needs a position on Iraq. (Jay Leno)

Mitt Romney did not do too well. Mitt Romney keeps touting the improtance of haivng a job in the private sector. Now it looks like he might need it. Romney spent something like $35 million of his own money. If he loses any more, he may have to run as a Democrat. I don’t want to say Romney did bad, but this was the worst night for Mormons since Marie Osmond passed out on Dancing with the Stars. (Jay Leno)

Republican Party candidate Ron Paul got only five percent of the votes Tuesday for his message of less government, lower taxes, and following the Constitution. The American people have spoken. Five percent of the voters are for freedom, and ninety-five percent are for free stuff. (Argus Hamilton)

In a recent speech, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to be more like him. I think it’s working – today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth. (Conan O’Brien)

Big night for John McCain. He has been taking his 95-year-old mother along with him in his campaign bus. None of the other candidates are traveling with their mothers, but Bill Clinton is traveling with several MILFs. (Conan O’Brien)

Mitt Romney came in second to John McCain. John McCain got the black vote, but Mitt got the well-tanned vote. (David Letterman)

THE CANDIDATES

Democratic presidential candidates are accusing McCain of saying that he wants to leave U.S. troops in Iraq for a hundred years. McCain’s campaign staffers went out yesterday to clarify that statement. Apparently, McCain said we should leave the troops in Iraq until he gets to be a hundred which would be in a couple of months (Pedro Bartes)

According to Clinton campaign’s latest federal campaign disclosure report, Hillary paid $7,500 to take classes with a vocal coach. Apparently, she misunderstood Bill’s comments that she should improve her oral skills. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary and Obama debated at the Kodak Theatre [in L. A.]. The camera showed so many celebrities in the audience I thought I was watching a Lakers game.” (Bill Maher)

Did you all see Barack Obama and Hillary last night at that debate? Did you see them sitting side by side, staring at the camera? They looked like one of those bad local eyewitness news teams. “Let’s go to Barack for the weather. Thank you, Hillary.” (Jay Leno)

Former senator Rick Santorum said during an interview that John McCain “was very rough in the sandbox.” The reporter couldn’t figure out if he was talking about McCain’s behavior in the senate or McCain’s need for Metamucil (Pedro Bartes)

On the Republican side, Mitt Romney seems to be a favorite of conservative Christians this time around because as a Mormon, he is Christian-ish. John McCain has a little bit of a tougher time because he called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson agents of intolerance eight years ago. If there’s one thing we know about Christians, they do not forgive. Not in their nature. (Stephen Colbert)

Mitt Romney campaigned in California to cheering crowds on Monday. He declared he’s the candidate for the American dream. The American dream is that if you go to work early and work late each night and pay your taxes you’ll get ahead, if you strike oil. (Argus Hamilton)

I asked my daughter who she liked for president today. She told me she likes Obama because he has big ears like Will Smith. You know, ear size is one of the key issues with young people nowadays. (Jimmy Kimmel)

It’s a great day for Barack Obama. Last month Barack Obama raised $32 million! Well, you know how he did it, he was on Oprah last month. He found it in the back of the couch. (Craig Ferguson)

John McCain aired new ads touting his national security platform Friday. While others talk about the U.S. economy, he’s running ads promising to continue the war. Nothing’s scarier than a seventy-two-year-old man who’s willing to die for his country. (Argus Hamilton)

Capping off what’s being called the worst political miscalculation in history, despite a week spent crisscrossing the state with his girlfriend dressed as Lucy and Desi, Giuliani was unable to attract enough former New Yorkers and displaced Cubans to make a successful showing in the Florida primary. Aides were quick to admit that he probably should have spent more time mounting a viable national campaign and less time mounting Judith Nathan. (Bob Mills)

How about that Mitt Romney? He looks like the guy that would approve your check at a supermarket. He looks like the piano player at an upscale department store. He looks like a guy who winks when he shakes your hand. He looks like a guy who is married to an over the hill actress. He looks like a guy who would brag about his cholesterol. He looks like the owner of the steakhouse who keeps interrupting dinner to find out how things are going. He looks like a lawyer who advertises on the back of a bus. He looks like an American actor who’s popular in Germany. He looks like a contractor you’d have to sue. You remember Mitt Romney from the ’80s? He was Mr. Goodwrench. (David Letterman)

Mitt Romney has withdrawn from the Republican presidential race. The campaign managers are planning to send all the useless Mitt 08 buttons to Africa so they can be used as dishes. (Pedro Bartes)

According to a FOX News poll released Friday, Hillary Clinton is the most likely candidate to “do anything, including something unethical to win” the election. Bill Clinton immediately refuted the poll saying that he knows as a fact there are some things that Hillary will never do. (Pedro Bartes)

John McCain says that he’s been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that’s just his prostate. (Jay Leno)

According to campaign spokesman Howard Wolfson, late last month Senator Clinton loaned her campaign $5 million. I guess we know who hasn’t had any money to visit strip bars lately. (Pedro Bartes)

Unable to remain competitive with Obama’s fund-raising, Hillary has dipped into her own funds, loaning $5 million to the campaign. No word on what her bank required as security, but yesterday Bill was spotted wearing an ankle bracelet. (Bob Mills)

McCain told “Meet the Press” that he doesn’t understand economics. He also predicted that US forces would still be in Iraq 100 years from now. Hey, Jack is the first to admit that he’s not the sharpest pin on the bulletin board, having graduated near the bottom of his class at Annapolis. In fact, his grades were so bad, when the graduates tossed their hats in the air, his didn’t come back. (Bob Mills)

All the candidates are out there stumping like it’s November. Do you know why campaigns call it stumping? Anybody know? You know where it comes from? It’s interesting. It’s called stumping because when you ask them, “When are we getting out of Iraq,” they’re stumped. “How about health care?” They’re stumped. “The economy?” Stumped. (Jay Leno)

A little bit of controversy, maybe you’re aware of this. They’re saying that Hillary may have a conflict of interest. And if you’re in politics, that’s exactly the kind of thing that can bite you in the ass. Apparently, Hillary — this is a conflict of interest — owns a piece of a pants suit company. (David Letterman)

But, by God, I wish that John McCain a great deal of luck. I’m telling you, at my age, I’m just happy to see a president who’s older than I am, you know what I mean? (David Letterman)

Sen. Barack Obama predicted Wednesday that Republicans will dump a truck full of dirt on Hillary Clinton if the former first lady wins the Democratic presidential nomination. Uh-Oh! Sounds like the Swift Boat Dump Truckers are gearing up. But remember, Barack, oh thou who is also a potential dumpee, Republican dirt diggers are equal opportunity dirt dumpers. (Joe Hickman)

On Rudy Giuliani’s dropping out of the presidential race: I will miss the arguments he had with Mitt Romney. It was like a Halloween costume debating a mannequin. (Bill Maher)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush on Monday became the first president to post his federal budget online and not print the four thousand page document on paper. That’s surprising. The motto beneath the Bush family crest is, the fewer the trees the wider the fairways. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

The Republicans had their debate at the Reagan Library. They opened the debate — I couldn’t make this up — with a shot of Reagan’s diary. The actual handwritten, leather-bound Reagan diary with a little key. I swear to God, Anderson Cooper said he was afraid to even touch it like it was something out of Harry Potter. Republicans don’t want to have a debate, they want to have a seance. They want to bring back Reagan’s ghost and have him run the country, hovering over your bed like Eva Longoria in that movie. (Bill Maher)

THE DEMOCRATS

With the field for the Democratic presidential nomination narrowed to Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton, racists and sexists are finding themselves in a quandary over which candidate to support, prominent racists and sexists confirmed today. Across the U. S., voters who describe themselves as both racist and sexist complain that the two-person field, while touted by the media as history-making, is forcing them to ask a difficult question: which group do they hate more? (Andy Borowitz)

Jimmy Carter is calling for healing between Baptists across the country. If he succeeds there, he may try to see if he can get the Democrats back together. (Jim Barach)

THE STATES

The highest foreclosure rate in the nation is in Nevada. So much for the theory that in Las Vegas, the house always wins. (Jim Barach)

West Virginia lawmakers introduced a bill Friday to teach shooting and hunting etiquette in high school physical education classes. It’s a huge change. For years West Virginia schools have taught hunting and shooting in Marriage and Family classes. (Argus Hamilton)

Florida Indian tribes have gotten approval to put Las Vegas style slot machines in their casinos. Apparently they are just refurbishing some of the left over voting machines from the 2000 election. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

Florida Firefighters on Tuesday revived several dogs by performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on the animals. The dogs were mad; just because they hump firefighters, that doesn’t give them the right to kiss them. (Pedro Bartes)

You know what’s amazing about Los Angeles? This city never fails to amaze me. Last week, Governor Schwarzenegger was in town. All the Republican candidates were here. All the Democratic candidates were here. All with secret service protection. And all put together, they still had less of a motorcade than Britney Spears going to the hospital. (Jay Leno)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Odd week on Wall Street. Chaos. It was up; it was down; people yelling; people pulling each other’s hair . .. it was like watching “The View.” (Craig Ferguson)

Congress is looking to do something about the alarming rise on credit card debt… because if there’s anybody who can bring more responsible borrowing and lending practices to this country it’s the U. S. Congress.

CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

The director of the CIA admitted to a congressional committee that waterboarding was used to interrogate al-Qaeda suspects at Guantanamo, “reinterpreting” his previous testimony. He explained that when he was first questioned, he thought they said to “surfboarding.” (Bob Mills)

IRAQ

In an attempt to improve on failed US efforts to rebuild the war torn country, the Bush administration is funding a training program for the Iraqi government that will provide instruction on budget management, purchasing goods and services through competitive bidding and recruiting and maintaining a workforce. The Pentagon has named the program “Operation Blind Leading the Blind.” (Bob Mills)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Saudi Arabia arrested a U. S businesswoman Tuesday for sitting at a Starbucks in Riyadh with a man. It’s terrible. She was strip-searched, threatened, bruised and forced to sign a false confession, and that was after they turned her over to the CIA. (Argus Hamilton)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Bowing to complaints from parents, Woolworth’s in England recalled their “Lolita Beds” that were being marketed for 6-year olds. Reminiscent of Eddie Bauer’s 1984 recall of their Roman Polanski “Slumber Party” sleeping bags aimed at Girl Scouts. (Bob Mills)

The new Four-Star “Hard Day’s Night Hotel” in Liverpool celebrates the home of the Beatles and offers Fab Four-themed rooms ranging from $340-a-night singles to the ultra swank $1300 penthouse suite. Which includes a Yellow Submarine jukebox, a white grand piano, a fully-stocked bar, and Yoko Ono. (Bob Mills)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy married singer/model Carla Bruni who dated Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Donald Trump and Kevin Costner among many others. Not to imply that Carla has been around, but marrying her is like buying a used car from Budget Rent-A-Car. (Alex Kaseberg)

UNITED NATIONS

Madonna held a fundraiser for UNICEF on the lawn of the United Nations building in New York City. Everything went great until Dick Cheney ordered the American Ambassador to turn on the sprinklers. (Patrick Gorse)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A new study shows that spending hours on a cell phone may affect the quality of one’s sperm, raising hopes that hedge fund managers may have trouble reproducing. (Andy Borowitz)

University of Washington scientists have invented a tiny camera that you swallow so it can take interior pictures — such as inside a bile duct or fallopian tube. They’re not sure it’ll work in the intestines, however. That would be too much of a crap shoot. (Scott Witt)

A study by Japanese scientists says cell phones don’t cause brain cancer. The experiments took forever to complete. Researchers first had to find frequent cell phone users who had brains. (Alan Ray)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Bill Clinton was quoted as saying that the economy needs to slow down to fight global warming. Apparently that means President Bush has been an environmentalist all along. (Jim Barach)

SPORTS

Experts say that this may have been the most watched Super Bowl in history, and that’s not even including all the Patriots’ spy cameras. (Jim Barach)

Even the people who know nothing about football watched the Super Bowl. Like the Miami Dolphins. (Jay Leno)

Sources close to Bill Belichick, coach of the 18 & I Patriots, had a valid excuse for leaving the playing field with two seconds to play. Bill had a urgent bathroom call and was afraid he would wet his pants if he had attempted to stay until the game was over. (Stan Kegel)

The New York Giants were given a ticker tape parade down Broadway Tuesday for winning the Super Bowl. Their defensive line won the game for them. Tom Brady spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton at an NBA All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas. (Argus Hamilton)

How about the Super Bowl commercials? There’s some good ones. How about the one, mytalkingstain.com? A stain that can talk. This sounds like Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare, doesn’t it? (Jay Leno)

Tony Sparano is the new coach of the Miami Dolphins. There was an awkward moment when President Bush found out the new coach of the Fins was named Tony Sparano and Bush said; “But I thought he got shot in that diner?” (Alex Kaseberg)

Roger Clemens’ trainer Brian McNamee revealed Wednesday he kept the syringes and gauze pads he used to inject Clemens with steroids. He’s no fool. If there’s one thing Monica Lewinsky taught everyone it’s that if you do anything between the waist and knees to a famous guy, you should keep the DNA evidence in case you need it. (Argus Hamilton)

Shaquille O’Neal has been traded to the Phoenix Suns. Now when Shaq gets to the free throw line he will still be cold but it will be a dry cold. (Alex Kaseberg)

The New York Giants defeated New England in a historic upset in the Super Bowl Sunday. It was a week of upsets. Three days earlier, Los Angeles County paramedics defeated Britney Spears, which ended her hopes of going the entire season undiagnosed. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator Arlen Specter publicly asked NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Sunday why he let New England off the hook so easily for video spying on other teams. Mr. Goodell said he saw no further wrongdoing in the tapes. Once a year pro sports commissioners have to appear to be blind or they lose their right to park in the handicapped spots. (Argus Hamilton)

Following their upset defeat by the New York Giants in the Super Bowl, New England Patriot’s fans are blaming quarterback Tom Brady’s poor performance on his girlfriend, supermodel Giselle Bundchen. It was obvious. Too much pre-game bundchening. (Bob Mills)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is defending destroying the spy tapes the New England Patriots made against the New York Jets. Goodell says he is merely practicing to eventually take over as head of the CIA. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

The “Hannah Montana” movie with, 15-year-old Miley Cyrus, destroyed the competition at the box office earning $29 million. It’s all part of Disney’s new “If-you-have-a-daughter-between-ages-7-and-11- give-us-all-your-money-because-we-will-get-it-eventually” marketing plan. That should be enough money to pay for the bypass operation to fix Miley’s dad, Billy Ray Cirus’s achey breaky heart. (Alex Kaseberg)

“Lost” is back on TV. But I will not watch it. If I want an hour of incomprehensible gibberish, I will watch Paula Abdul. (Craig Ferguson)

On “The Eye,” new in theaters: A woman, played by Jessica Alba, who is given sight by a cornea transplant, discovers she can see what her cornea donor saw. It’s a terrifying horror movie because her cornea donor was an Oakland Raider fan. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE MEDIA

On pundit Ann Coulter’s support for Hillary Clinton: Political analysts were shocked, because everybody knows Hillary doesn’t poll well among men. (Pedro Bartes)

Several times on Wednesday and Thursday, the Associated Press sent out a headline incorrectly quoting Warren Buffett as saying if the U.S. deficit continues, the dollar will become “worthless” whereas what Buffett really said was the dollar would become “worth less.” Obviously, when AP said “worthless” it really meant the quality of its own reporting. (Scott Witt)

CELEBRITIES

The death of actor Heath Ledger has been officially attributed to a deadly mix of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, diazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine. Heath’s friends were shocked to say the least. They had no idea that he even KNEW Rush Limbaugh. (Bob Mills)

Toxicology reports indicate Heath Ledger consumed OxyContin, Valium, Xanax, Restoril and Unisom. Apparently, doctors didn’t waste any time on an autopsy to recognize the drugs; they just checked Britney’s bathroom cabinet. (Pedro Bartes)

The Police were named the highest paid musicians of 2007. Apparently its because the middle aged men who still listen to them haven’t figured out how to download their music for free off the Internet yet. (Jim Barach)

Britney Spears was taken home in a convoy of SUVs from UCLA Hospital Wednesday afternoon, followed all the way by news helicopters. It confirmed what doctors said about her. You have to be nuts to take the San Diego Freeway at four in the afternoon. (Argus Hamilton)

Her concert tour sold out in minutes and now the new film, “Hannah Montana” is # 1 at the box office. It’s official. Hannah Montana is now bigger than Joe Montana and Montana put together. (Patrick Gorse)

Oprah Winfrey went onstage for Barack Obama in Los Angeles on Sunday. She has to change her act from her Chicago routine. If she waved a set of Pontiac keys at a Los Angeles crowd, people would hold up a cross at her to ward off the American car. (Argus Hamilton)

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers rocked the Super Bowl halftime. It was the greatest performance by an old guy since 2004, when a 77-year-old Hugh Hefner had 18-year-old blonde, Kendra Wilkinson, move into the Playboy Mansion. (Alex Kaseberg)

Everybody’s getting ready for the Grammy Awards. Madonna’s planning to spend Friday and Saturday putting on her underwear and vacuuming her belly button. If it gets really cold Madonna will wear purple longjohns. Of course, she’d wear ’em backwards so her belly button will show through the trap door. (Joe Hickman)

Britney Spears was committed involuntarily to the mental ward at UCLA Hospital by her family and psychiatrist Thursday. It fooled no one in Hollywood. One week from now, she will be back out on the Sunset Strip with bigger breasts and a new nose. (Argus Hamilton)

Wesley Snipes was found guilty of three misdemeanor charges of failure to file three federal tax returns Friday. However, he was found not guilty of felony charges of defrauding the government. It was really smart of him to hire Halliburton’s lawyers. (Argus Hamilton)

Entertainment Tonight opted Thursday not to air video of the late Heath Ledger partying in West Hollywood. It showed him snorting cocaine with a bunch of other celebrities. It was the background video for the show’s opening credits for two years. (Argus Hamilton)

Britney Spears was ordered to remain in UCLA Medical Center’s psychiatric unit for two weeks Monday. She faces a strict regimen after that. Her doctor said she must avoid excitement for awhile, so she is going to work for the Mitt Romney campaign. (Argus Hamilton)

Sen. John McCain’s promise to cut taxes drew a strong vote of support from actor Wesley Snipes. (Andy Borowitz)

After a new study revealed that cannabis causes gum disease, singer Amy Winehouse said, “That’s why I’m sticking with crack.” (Andy Borowitz)

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi died Tuesday after a lifetime of teaching meditation to the masses. He believed if enough people meditate and achieve inner peace it will bring bliss to the world. Bobby Knight’s taking over for him but it won’t be the same. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

In what many political observers are calling an attempt to shore up his evangelical base on the eve of the nation’s Super Tuesday primaries, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today asked Jesus Christ to stimulate the U.S. economy. In a press conference in Mobile, Alabama today, Mr. Huckabee said that he had asked Jesus to stimulate the U.S. economy with “a fresh infusion of loaves and fishes.” (Andy Borowitz)

HOLIDAYS

It’s time to get out in the streets, get drunk, and watch the really crazy ones among us do anything just for some applause and a few beads… and after we finish all those Super Tuesday activities, we can celebrate Mardi Gras. (Jake Novak)

This past weekend was Groundhog Day. I like Groundhog Day. I mean, it’s nice to see something coming out of a hole in a ground that’s not running for president. (Jay Leno);

Groundhog Day drew thousands to the celebration’s headquarters in Pennsylvania Saturday. It looks bad. Punxsutawney Phil came out and saw that he’s got six weeks to get out of his tree before the bank takes back the property and padlocks the hole. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

A police study in Coos Bay, Oregon found that panhandlers outside Wal-Mart can make $300 a day, compared to your average Wal-Mart cashier who’s pulling in $300 for the week. Yeah, but panhandlers don’t have any kind of benefit… Oops forget about that (Pedro Bartes)

A company has designed a product called Wine-rack, a bra that you can fill up with wine. Apparently that was the present that tipped Ted Kennedy’s support in favor of Obama. (Pedro Bartes)

Krispy Kreme announced they’re coming out with a low-fat, 180 calorie, whole wheat doughnut. They’re calling this amazing whole wheat doughnut a bagel. (Conan O’Brien)

To counter increasing competition from McDonald’s, Starbuck’s will introduce a new line of “designer donuts” including chocolate, vanilla, caramel and apple fritter. To preserve their exclusive image, they”ll be sold only to cops from elite agencies like the FBI, Scotland Yard, the Surete, Interpol (Bob Mills)

Wal-Mart, which plans on opening walk-in medical clinics, may also institute a way to hedge it’s bets for when the cures don’t work. In the next aisle would be a wheel-in mortuary. (Scott Witt)

A report says airline delays in 2007 were the 2nd worst on record. Delta and United defend the long waits as safety precautions. They won’t fly until a full crew is completely sober. (Alan Ray)

POLLS & STUDIES

A Gallop Poll says forty percent of Americans are worried about having Bill Clinton back in the White House. Must be Republicans. Everybody else is so busy working two jobs, they don’t have time to worry. Besides, before Bush is gone, the White House will be repossessed anyway. The new President will have to move into a FEMA doublewide on the mall. (Joe Hickman)

The Gallup Poll says forty percent of Americans are worried about having Bill Clinton back in the White House. That should improve as voters think it through. Americans are so sick and tired of one catastrophic foreign policy mistake after another that inappropriate sexual conduct will be welcomed back like Charles Lindbergh. (Argus Hamilton)

6 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-09-08

  1. Scott Witt might add that Sheryl Crow will only ever see part of any message since only so much can go on one square of toilet paper 😉

    Is Andy Borowitz recycling jokes? Did you not have one joke here about ‘Should it be a black man or a white woman? A choice Michael Jackson makes every morning…’ or some such?

    PS: Mitt Romney would have been an interesting President. He was a Baker Scholar, dual JD/ MBA from Harvard, a partner in Bain at 31, later the CEO of Bain and a co-founder of Bain Capital. His resume rivals Manmohan Singh and some other very intelligent people with poor map-reading skills who seem to have landed in jobs that are wasting their talent but who cannot seem to get out…

  2. Of course, one could argue that being a Republican, he never actually read anything at Harvard. Just like the current one did not read anything at Yale/ Harvard…

  3. //Mr. Huckabee said that he had asked Jesus to stimulate the U.S. economy with “a fresh infusion of loaves and fishes.” (Andy Borowitz)//

    I guess in an age of recession, loaves and fishes are more appropriate than bread and circuses.

  4. I enjoy reading your article. I’ll be checking your site for newest updates.
    Thanks,
    Dean

  5. Pingback: mick jagger music video with blonde

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s