WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-16-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

It is always surprising how astute some politicians can be in assessing the political climate. This can be best demonstrated by Newt Gingrich’s amazingly accurate public prediction several months ago that, “John McCain has as much chance of winning the Republican nomination as the Giants have of winning the Super Bowl.” (Gill Ross & Stan Kegel)

Scientists for the United States Army have developed a sandwich that can remain edible for three years. Well, if that doesn’t get guys to re-up, nothing will. Let me tell you, that shows you how dedicated our armed forces are. I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich. (Jay Leno)

The Westminster Dog Show is tonight. Did you know the most popular dog this election year is named for the candidates as well the election? It’s the combination Bullmastif and Shih Tzu, that’s right: the Bull Shih Tzu. (Alex Kaseberg)

Senate Republicans blocked a bid by Democrats to add $44 billion in the stimulus package to help the elderly. Another sign Republicans hate John McCain. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton has the support of Bill Clinton, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, or as she calls them, the party unfaithful. (Jay Leno)

Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens testified in a Congressional hearing today on his alleged use of steroids. He stated, “No one gave me shots anywhere on my body — no ifs, no ands, no butts.” (Jim Ertner)

Valentine’s Day chocolates are like congressmen — smooth outside, nuts inside. (Joe Hickman)

After the latest victories, Obama told his followers at a rally that Hillary can’t catch him, quoting the famous words of a former president: Bill Clinton (Pedro Bartes)

Shaquille O’Neal started practicing Monday with his new team, the Phoenix Suns. His legend precedes him. Shaquille O’Neal’s arrival in Phoenix with Valentine’s Day approaching reminds us all that love is grand, and divorce is a hundred grand a month. (Argus Hamilton)

Ron Paul says Republicans are acting “Too much like Democrats”. Which means they are actually starting to lose elections. (Jim Barach)

The US is preparing to shoot down one of its own satellites that is falling to Earth. When will this shot be heard around the world? I guess we’ll have to wait and read about it in the newspaper’s orbit-uary page. (Gary Hallock)

According to a British Tabloid, Heather Mills cheated on Paul McCartney for six month with a secret lover. Apparently, Heather had a leg on both relationships. (Pedro Bartes)

Man it is cold back East. It was so cold in Washington, Roger Clemens had to lie to congress about never having injected anti-freeze into his butt. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE PRIMARIES

The Democratic Primary in Syracuse, NY ended with both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama receiving 6,001 votes. The Supreme Court stepped in and awarded the victory to Mike Huckabee. (Jim Barach)

THE CANDIDATES

Very awkward moment in the Hillary Clinton campaign today. I guess Hillary told her staff to call Democrats with money, and they called Barack Obama. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her. (Jay Leno)

Fashion Week this week. Hillary Clinton was wearing her strapless pantsuit. Rudy Giuliani is announcing his own line of clothing. It comes apart at the seams. (David Letterman)

Amazing how quickly things change in politics. I was discussing it this morning with my driver, Mitt Romney. (Jay Leno)

Huckabee claims he’s more qualified than McCain to become commander-in-chief because he commanded the Arkansas National Guard as governor. True. He led the elite 118th Little Rock Fusiliers when they invaded Memphis, surrounded Graceland, and forced Col. Parker to surrender Elvis. (Bob Mills)

Senator Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama’s success by saying, “He’s only winning states with a huge African-American population — like Maine.” (Conan O’Brien)

Coming off a weekend in which he racked up victories in Nebraska, Washington, Louisiana, the Virgin Islands and Maine, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) extended his amazing winning streak today by being named the Country Music Association’s Entertainer of the Year. (Andy Borowitz)

Seeking funds for her cash-strapped campaign, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) fired her campaign manager and replaced her with Heather Mills McCartney. (Andy Borowitz)

Ron Paul announced Friday that suicide terrorism expert Robert Pape of the University of Chicago is joining his campaign as an adviser. This can only mean one thing. Ron Paul has decided to run as a third-party candidate and blow up the Republican party with him. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton continually reminds voters that she has been tested. Which makes sense. You never know what Bill might have brought home. (Jay Leno)

Mitt Romney threw in the monogrammed towel. That leaves McCain and Huckabee. The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which one is closer to God? (Jay Leno)

It looks like John McCain has gotten the nod. Of course, McCain getting a nomination, this is Rush Limbaugh’s worst nightmare since the pharmacist said, “We’re out of OxyContin.” (Jay Leno)

Democrats are split pretty evenly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I say, when in doubt let your favorite celebrity decide for you. I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for. (Jimmy Kimmel)

While campaigning in Virginia this week, Hillary Clinton promised there would be no new scandals involving her husband, former President Bill Clinton. And they say Obama’s campaign is a fairy tale? (Janice Hough)

On Mitt Romney dropping out of the presidential race: “I think I’m going to miss Mitt Romney. He looked like the white hunter who ignores Tarzan’s warning.” (David Letterman)

Congratulations to presidential candidate Barack Obama. He won a Grammy for best spoken word album. Boy, there’s four words you haven’t heard in the same sentence in a while – “presidential” and “best spoken word.” (Jay Leno)

Last night, Barack Obama won a Grammy for his audio book. He’s on a roll! ‘What did you do over the weekend?’ ‘I won four primaries and a Grammy.’ He beat four nominees, including Bill Clinton’s audio book. I’ve heard Bill’s audio book – it’s not that good. it’s two hours of heavy breathing. (Craig Ferguson)

Hillary Clinton got emotional Thursday when her husband gave her a Valentine present: A beautiful heart-shaped box full of superdelegates! (Pedro Bartes)

On Thursday, Mitt Romney threw his support to the presidential campaign of John McCain. Mike Huckabee thanked Romney in advance for the endorsement he’ll inevitably receive from Mitt the flip-flopper on Friday. (Patrick Gorse)

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton’s female campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle, resigned. You know what that means? Sounds like Bill got caught again. (Jay Leno)

Asked why he is still in the race, Mike Huckabee said, “I have nothing else to do.” So it sounds like he really is running for vice president. (Jay Leno)

Republicans say that John McCain will be good for business. They didn’t say what business, but I’m guessing probably the Scooter Store, Doan’s Pills, Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, and the Miracle Ear. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush discussed his daily routine as commander-in-chief in a Fox News interview at the White House. He said every morning the first thing he does is take a look at that day’s threat to America. Most people simply call it shaving. (Argus Hamilton)

Okay, it’s time to cut out all the jokes and admit President Bush has given this nation an incredible gift, one for which everyone can be eternally grateful. Thank you, Mr. President, for protecting us from a real terror threat by staying alive! Hey, it scares ME to death having Cheney a heartbeat away. Please, stay the course, Mr. President! (Joe Hickman)

For the first time, President Bush mentioned the U.S. presidential elections in a speech on Friday. Mr. Bush’s curiosity in the White House race was short-lived, however, when he found out superdelegates couldn’t fly. (Patrick Gorse)

President Bush says during his last year in office, he will visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. He says he will accomplish all of this in one weekend by going to EPCOT Center. (Conan O’Brien)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The budget that Bush sent to Congress last week includes $12 million for a parachute repair shop in Aviano, Italy, $330 million to eradicate the brown apple moth, the emerald ash borer and the sirex wood wasp and $6.5 million to study the fundamental properties of asphalt. And he also included some wasteful, frivolous items. (Bob Mills)

THE CONGRESS

The Senate Ethics Committee has issued a formal censure of Larry Craig, accusing him of “improper conduct that reflects discreditably upon the chamber.” To underscore their displeasure with their “I am not gay” colleague, they had the censure printed on a long strip of Charmin. (Bob Mills)

THE STATES

Last week, prison guards had to use tear gas to break up prison riots in New Jersey. When the tear gas didn’t work, the guards sprayed the prisoners with New Jersey air. (Conan O’Brien)

LOCAL NEWS

The city council in Berkeley, CA approved a resolution declaring the Marine Corps, seeking to establish a recruiting office near the campus of the University of California, ?unwelcome intruders.? The Corps immediately responded by amending their hymn which now goes ?From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Berkeley. (Bob Mills)

TERRORISM

At Guantanamo Bay they are seeking the death penalty for six of the September 11th planners. It took seven years to charge them because, during waterboarding, all six claimed the 19 actually responsible would be resurrected in 2007. The CIA was hoping they’d testify. (Joe Hickman)

The C.I.A. has admitted to destroying videotapes of terrorist suspects being tortured. They said today the reason they destroyed the videotapes was under the new agreement they didn’t want to have to pay the writers residuals every time it showed up on the Internet. (Jay Leno)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

The government is going to be handing out rebate checks. We’re like a bad car dealership now in this country, handing out the rebate checks. They’re trying to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news – half the people want the money in euros, the other half want it in pesos. (Jay Leno)

A study says sadness encourages people to spend more money and be more extravagant. That means the Bush economic policies that have caused people to lose their homes and jobs may actually be exactly what gets the economy back on track. (Jim Barach)

SPACE & NASA

The astronauts aboard the International Space Station each have access to a gun… because when you run out of Tang, it’s every man for himself. (Jake Novak)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Swiss police reported a major theft of classic paintings in Zurich Monday. Art can accurately label your personality just by your ancestry. Italians use art to glorify G-d, the French use art to glorify love and the British prefer self-portraits. (Argus Hamilton)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Two Russian Tupolev 95 bombers from Ukrainka flew threateningly close to a US aircraft carrier in the western Pacific. So close, one of them almost clipped the “Mission Accomplished” sign still draped across the flight deck. (Bob Mills)

HEALTH

The World Health Organization said Wednesday that tobacco could kill a billion people by the century’s end if governments don’t adopt anti-smoking policies. They should make up their minds. Either they think overpopulation is a problem or they don’t. (Argus Hamilton)

The World Health Organization says that tobacco could kill a billion people by 2100. The rest of the planet’s population will be wiped out by McDonald’s. (Jim Barach)

The Food and Drug Administration issued a warning to plastic surgery patients Friday that a chemical in Botox may cause difficulty swallowing. This is only going to improve sales in Los Angeles. Not only do you look younger, you lose weight. (Argus Hamilton)

A study (National Institute of Health) shows people tend to spend more when they are sad. If that’s true — there’s a very good chance we can spend our way out of the recession. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

It has been chilly in Los Angeles. Today I was shaking like Roger Clemens taking a lie detector test. (Alex Kaseberg)

SPORTS

Roger Clemens stopped by Capitol Hill last Friday to chat with lawmakers before his steroid hearing. He was a sensation. The only visitor who was ever recognized by more congressmen and staffers was Ron Jeremy, although only the Democrats admitted it. (Argus Hamilton)

Now Roger Clemens’ trainer, Brian McNamee, claims Roger requested he inject HGH into Roger’s wife Debbe’s butt, for her “Sports Illustrated” bathing suit photograph. If this is true Clemens will be the first guy to intentionally put together the words trainer, inject, butt and wife. (Alex Kaseberg)

Boy, talk about a black eye for baseball. You know what’s happening today? Congressional investigations into Roger Clemens and the steroid use begin tomorrow. And it’s interesting, you know? We didn’t get bin Laden but by God, we’re nailing this guy. (David Letterman)

Roger Clemens is expected to testify that a size 48 neck is completely normal (David Letterman)

Roger Clemens spent several hours in Capitol Hill Wednesday testifying in front of Congress about the use of steroids. Clemens passionately denied the use of HGH and remained standing up during the entire testimony. Apparently, his butt was too sore to take a seat. (Pedro Bartes)

Roger Clemens denied using steroids, and at one point he got so angry that he snapped the Washington Monument in half like a twig. (David Letterman)

Brian McNamee told Congress Friday he injected Roger Clemens’s wife with Human Growth Hormone as well as Roger Clemens with steroids. This investigation is far from over. Their family dog is a St. Bernard but when they bought it, it was a Maltese. (Argus Hamilton)

Testifying before a congressional committee investigating use of performance enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball, trainer Brian McNamee produced syringes, gauze and vials of steroids he claims he injected into Roger Clemens and has had stored in his freezer since 2001. Next to his stack of “Swanson Over-Medicated Man TV Dinners.” (Bob Mills)

Brian McNamee told Congress Friday he injected Roger Clemens’s wife with Human Growth Hormone. Every time Clemens pissed her off, those plates in the kitchen would fly over a hundred MPH. (Pedro Bartes)

Bobby Knight has resigned as head coach of Texas Tech, with his son taking over the position. He has been practicing for the job for years. Bobby Knight still fondly remembers the first time his son threw his high chair across the kitchen. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

“Sesame Street” turns 39 in 2008. You can tell the characters on the show are getting older. The Count now adds up his cholesterol. (Alan Ray)

The author of that play featuring actors wandering about aimlessly for 90 minutes without speaking a word was very resourceful. He drew his inspiration from the day his TV remote control got stuck in the mute position while he was watching CSPAN’s coverage of the Iowa campaign. (Patrick Gorse)

Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas has signed Bette Midler and Cher to replace the departing Celine Dion. Bette will perform her regular act but Cher plans to mount a full bangles & feathers review featuring a revolving stage, an elevator for her entrance and nude male and female dancer/backup singers. The two hour show will be called “Hallelujah Cosmetic Surgery!” (Bob Mills)

THE MEDIA

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is out. The layout never costs the magazine very much to shoot. They only pay for the models’ meals. (Alan Ray)

The annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition is out and it is spectacular. The “SI” swimsuit issue is as much about swimsuits as a lap dance is about putting a girl through medical school. (Alex Kaseberg)

NBC News anchor David Shuster was suspended Friday for saying Bill and Hillary Clinton were pimping out Chelsea to win votes. The girl’s just doing her best. What are you supposed to do with a degree from Stanford and Oxford in today’s economy? (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Henry Winkler testified in the wrongful death civil suit brought against the doctors who failed to recognize the aortic rupture that killed John Ritter. Actually, not much spoken testimony — mostly finger snapping. (Bob Mills)

Paris Hilton’s little brother was arrested for DUI Tuesday a month after Britney Spears’ little sister got pregnant. It’s dangerous when younger siblings recklessly seek attention. Last week police had to be called after Jeb Bush endorsed John McCain. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton’s younger brother, Barron Hilton, was arrested Tuesday morning for allegedly driving under the influence, authorities said. Police said he had a good excuse though; he needed the booze because he had just gone to see his sister’s latest movie. (Pedro Bartes)

Amy Winehouse won five Grammy Awards in Los Angeles Sunday but she was denied a visa to enter the United States from Britain to perform on the show due to drug charges. She had to be beamed to the show via satellite. That’s how high she was. (Argus Hamilton)

Amy Winehouse was the toast of the music industry Sunday when the Grammy Awards show in Los Angeles awarded the rehabbing British ballad singer a record-tying five Grammys in a single night. She was hugely excited. She thought she had won five grams. (Argus Hamilton)

Britney Spears sued her parents Friday to regain control of her forty million dollar fortune. It’s easy to prove her mental competence. All she has to do is convince the judge that she will make better use of forty million dollars than Mitt Romney did. (Argus Hamilton)

Britney Spears checked out of the UCLA psychiatric ward Wednesday and then she was escorted by a convoy of security vans and motorcycle cops to the Beverly Hills Hotel. It’s right down the street from the children’s zoo. Last week four kids escaped. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

A group of conservative rabbis have appealed to Pope Benedict XVI to clarify the Good Friday prayer he recently approved that asks God to “help the Jews acknowledge Jesus Christ as the Savior.” Or Al Jolson as the greatest entertainer of all time. (Bob Mills)

BUSINESS & LABOR

NASA and Speedo have teamed up to develop the world’s fastest swimsuit. The US Government immediately summoned the Pentagon to protect the secret, because if this swimsuit falls in the hands of Cubans it could be very dangerous. (Pedro Bartes)

AOL could be broken up by Time Warner. The only question is what will become of their three remaining customers? (Jim Barach)

POLLS & STUDIES

Here’s something interesting. They did a poll on whether Bill’s campaigning for Hillary helped her or hurt her. And 38% thought it hurt her, 36 percent thought it helped her, and 26 percent said, “He never told me he was married!” (Jay Leno)

President Bush and Congress are at all time popularity lows in a Reuters/Zogby Poll. Even Dennis Kucinich came out with better numbers. (Jim Barach)

2 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-16-08

  1. very interesting.

    John

  2. All this talk of politics makes me wonder about the power of money and politics….

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