WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-23-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Over in Africa, President Bush is being welcomed as a hero in Tanzania. See, that’s because President Bush always said one day third world countries would have the same economy as the United States and thanks to his economic plan, now they do. (Jay Leno)

So John McCain has now embraced the Bush tax cuts and voted against an anti-torture bill. He didn’t need Mitt Romney’s recent endorsement – he’s become Mitt Romney. (Janice Hough)

Four strands of George Washington’s hair sold for 17-grand at a Kentucky auction. There were rumors that his teeth were up for bidding. But they turned out to be false. (Alan Ray)

The Hallmark meat packing plant that caused the biggest meat recall in U.S. history may shut down. But its defenders say Hallmark lived up to the slogan, “When you care enough to send the very wurst.” (Scott Witt)

This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can’t criticize Hillary. Ooh, that’s sexism. You can’t criticize Barack. Ooh, that’s racism. And you can’t go after McCain, because that’s elder abuse. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton made went to Harvard to pick up the Harvard Lampoon’s Woman of the Year trophy. This marks the first and only time the words “Paris Hilton went to Harvard” have ever been used. It was awkward when they tried to explain to Paris that the award was an example of irony, Paris said; “Like my maid totally does all of my ironing.” (Alex Kaseberg)

An 18 year old Utah woman won the title of best grocery bagger. She immediately got all kinds of proposals from guys who heard she was great in the sack. (Jim Barach)

University of Washington scientists have invented a tiny camera that you swallow so it can take interior pictures — such as inside a bile duct or fallopian tube. They’re not sure it’ll work in the intestines, however. That would be too much of a crap shoot. (Scott Witt)

After the latest victories, Obama told his followers at a rally that Hillary can’t catch him, quoting the famous words of a former president: Bill Clinton. (Pedro Bartes)

Carl Rove told an interviewer that “Years from now, people will thank God that Bush invaded Iraq.” Unfortunately, they’ll be kneeling on prayer rugs, adjusting their dynamite vests, and facing Mecca (Bob Mills)

Thousands of bats are reportedly dying from a mysterious illness in New York. Authorities say they have never seen so many listless bats in New York outside of Shea Stadium. (Jim Barach)

THE CANDIDATES

Ralph Nader said Sunday he will run for president as a third-party candidate. Ralph Nader is like the Soccer World Cup: he shows up every four years and Americans couldn’t care less. (Pedro Bartes)

Surprise, surprise! Ralph Nader’s running for president again. It’s really unbelievable! A candidate older than John McCain. If the Republicans aren’t paying Nader to run, they should be. (Joe Hickman)

Ralph Nader seeks the White House. He vows to rid government of wasteful spending, corporate lobbying, and the military industrial complex. He’s running as the candidate of the Naiveté Party. (Alan Ray)

Appearing on NBC’s “Meet the Press” today, consumer activist Ralph Nader told host Tim Russert that he has officially decided to wreck the 2008 presidential election. Mr. Nader had been huddling with prominent crackpots over the weekend to determine whether he had enough support among his natural constituency, self-absorbed whack-jobs, to mount an entirely meaningless campaign. (Andy Borowitz)

She (Hillary) lost 10 in a row. That’s not good. If she loses one more, she will be signed by the L.A. Clippers. (Jay Leno)

One of the members of the band Boston told Mike Huckabee to stop ripping off their song “More Than a Feeling.” However Neil Young said that John McCain can still use his song “Old Man.” (Alex Kaseberg)

John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, “He’ll lead you into the 21st century.” I like it better than the old slogan, which was “He’ll lead you into assisted living.” (David Letterman)

Barack Obama was accused of plagiarizing words from another politician. He says it’s no big deal, that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself and that in four score and seven years from now, who will remember? (Jim Barach)

Larry King asked Michele Obama what she loves about her husband. She said he takes the kids trick-or-treating, he came home for Christmas and he always remembers their wedding anniversary. It’s what we call in Hollywood the little things. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama was caught Monday giving a speech identical to one given by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick two years ago. In the speech they compare themselves to Abe Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. That would explain why they were both wearing helmets. (Argus Hamilton)

Michelle Obama told a crowd in Wisconsin Monday that people across America are hungry for change; mostly in California where people want a change in their faces, stomachs and breasts. (Pedro Bartes)

McCain told his supporters, “I hope Castro dies soon.” Aides say he’s mad because Warner Bros. wants to team him up with Fidel for a sequel to “The Bucket List.” (Bob Mills)

The “New York Times” reported that senator John McCain may have had an adulterous relationship with a lobbyist eight years ago. Immediately after hearing the news, Huckabee thanked God for the miracle. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton stated Tuesday there will be no personal scandal caused by her husband if she’s elected president. There goes the last of her support. First she lost the black vote, then she lost the youth vote, and now she has lost the comedians. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama and John Edwards got together over the weekend. Edwards may endorse Barack Obama, although his hair is leaning toward Hillary. (David Letterman)

One day after The New York Times published an article raising ethical questions about Sen. John McCain’s dealings with lobbyist Vicki Iseman, the Arizona senator pushed back today at a press conference in Cleveland, telling reporters, “Vicky Iseman did not force me into any positions. ” Calling suggestions that Ms. Iseman could make him assume a different position “ridiculous, ” Sen. McCain said, “At my age, I’m not about to try out new positions that I’m uncomfortable with. ” (Andy Borowitz)

The beautiful blond young woman, and she is now in phase one of a Washington scandal: denial; phase two, of course, is the book deal; phase three, posing nude for Playboy (David Letterman)

There was a big story in The New York Times today about Senator John McCain, who’s running for president. It questioned his ties to a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman. The story ‘hinted’ that McCain may have had an extramarital affair with her, but the weird thing is she looks almost exactly like John McCain’s wife, Cindy. So he might have just got confused and grabbed the wrong woman. These two look more alike than the Olson twins. (Jimmy Kimmel)

With his smiling pretty wife, Cindy, by his side, John McCain denied that he had an affair with a female lobbyist. Hell, even if it is true, after Mark Foley and Larry Craig, most Republican would be glad one of their guys is having an affair with a woman for a change. (Alex Kaseberg)

During a press conference, Senator John McCain addressed the controversy created by The New York Times about an alleged affair with a younger woman. McCain told reporters that “He did not have sexual relationships with that woman.” Unfortunately for him, everybody believed it. (Pedro Bartes)

McCain is vehemently denying allegations contained in a New York Times article that claims he was engaging in sexual hanky panky with a lobbyist while supporting legislation in the Senate that she was championing. Ridiculous! Not to mention physically impossible. Everyone in Washington knows Jack was in bed with so many lobbyists at the time, his hanky would have no doubt become tangled up in someone else’s panky. (Bob Mills)

Barack Obama is saying that Hillary Clinton stole the line, “Fired up and ready to go” from his campaign. In a related story, John McCain claims he’s got dibbs on “23 Skidoo” and “By Cracky.” (Patrick Gorse)

“Boy oh boy, did you read about John McCain, ladies and gentlemen? Oh, well, according to the New York Times now, John McCain may have had an inappropriate relationship with a young blond. That sounds like presidential material to me. (David Letterman)

PRESIDENT BUSH

And while he was in Africa, President Bush visited a school in Tanzania, and read to the students from “The Cat in the Hat.” It was very moving when the small children helped President Bush pronounce some of the harder words. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

Did you see Roger Clemens testifying before Congress? One congress- man named Elijah Cummings called Clemens ‘one of my heroes’ and then called him a liar. So I guess that’s what makes you a hero to a congressman. (Jay Leno)

The Senate Ethics Committee admonished Senator Larry Craig Wednesday over his Minnesota airport bathroom arrest. They said he shouldn’t have flashed his business card at the arresting officer. If they said soliciting sex with strangers was unethical, there would be so many vacant Senate offices it would look like the foreclosure crisis. (Argus Hamilton)

The Senate Ethics Committee says Larry Craig acted improperly in connection with his role in an airport rest room sex sting. The committee left out exactly what they consider proper behavior in airport rest room sex stings. It was good to see the committee take a stance on the subject. Of course it was Craig’s stance that got him in trouble in the first place. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

The Los Angeles City Council weighed a bill to stop photographers from chasing after celebrities in their cars. The insurance companies oppose the bill. They like to have a complete photographic record whenever a Mercedes Benz is involved in a wreck. (Argus Hamilton)

Prostitutes in the San Fernando Valley are prospecting customers at gas stations. For $200 you can really fill her up. (Alex Kaseberg)

SECURITY

And President Bush is now pushing Congress to expand the government’s ability to spy on Americans now that the current phone tap bill has expired. In fact, to gain support for a new spying Bill, they’re bringing in coach Bill Belichick. Yeah. They are going to rename it the New England Patriot Act (Jay Leno)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

According to Money Magazine the most promising jobs in America are: Software Engineer, Financial advisor, and Superdelegate. (Pedro Bartes)

Oil prices have broken $100 a barrel for the first time. Gas companies are trying to soften the coming blow to consumers. Air and water will remain 50 cents. (Alan Ray)

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan says there is no recession yet, but the country is right on the edge. Unfortunately, the step we’ll take to leave the edge of the recession is a step ahead. (Pedro Bartes)

THE MILITARY

The U.S. Navy successfully shot down that errant satellite last night. Apparently, it was the satellite charged with spying on whomever John McCain is dating. (Jake Novak)

SPACE & NASA

On NASA and Speedo teaming up to develop the world’s fastest swimsuit: “The U.S. government immediately summoned the Pentagon to protect the secret, because if the swimsuit falls in the hands of Cubans, it could be very dangerous. (Pedro Bartes)

CUBA, MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Fidel Castro has resigned as Cuba’s ruler. He wants to step down now so he can emigrate to the U.S. in time to collect Social Security. (Jake Novak)

Fidel Castro’s stepping down as the leader of Cuba. He’ll be replaced by his brother, Raul. It’s true, yeah. According to the State Department, Raul Castro is the Jim Belushi of Central America. (Conan O’Brien)

This morning, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced that he is stepping down, ending five decades of rule. But the biggest surprise was when Castro announced that he’s going to retire in Miami. (Conan O’Brien)

Within an hour after Fidel Castro announced his retirement, John McCain declared the Bay of Pigs a success. Hey, as you recall, he had predicted it would take at least 100 years. (Bob Mills)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams suggested last week that Britain permit Sharia law for Muslim citizens. It permits stoning, amputation, lashings and beheading by sword. That kind of thing only belongs in Muslim countries and American reality shows. (Argus Hamilton)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

President George W. Bush said that while he recognized Kosovo, he could not recognize Kosovo on a map. (Andy Borowitz)

INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

Pakistan’s President Pervez Musharraf said he was optimistic about this week’s elections in his country, explaining, “Regardless of the vote, I have more superdelegates.” (Andy Borowitz)

SCIENCE

Scientists now believe that a child’s intellectual power, a child’s brain power, a child’s I.Q., is inherited solely from the mother. All the intelligence of a child comes from the mother. These findings are based on the study of the Bush twins. (Jay Leno)

HEALTH

A study says cigarette smoking may increase the risk of colon polyps. Anyone with this problem is clearing putting the cigarette in the wrong place. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Another storm hit California. Today I was shaking like Hillary Clinton reading the polls. (Alex Kaseberg)

SPORTS

In baseball, spring training camps have opened. For the first time we can hear the crack of the bat, the pop of the ball in the mitt, the chatter of the infielders, the stab of the needle in player’s asses. (Alex Kaseberg)

Roger Clemens told Congress last week he never injected steroids. He was the talk of Capitol Hill. Now the Washington Monument reminds everybody of a giant syringe, but it finally explains how Washington grew to be a head taller than the rest of the founders. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens read a statement to Congress Wednesday denying that he ever used steroids, and then his accuser Brian McNamee read a statement saying he injected Roger Clemens with steroids. It was breathtakingly dramatic. It’s so nice to have the writers back. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

Everyone is excited about the Oscars and many think the Oscar for best actor will go to Daniel Day Lewis for his portrayal of a ruthless oil man from the turn of the century. I think the film is titled “The Dick Cheney Story.” (Alex Kaseberg)

THE MEDIA

On Bill O’Reilly’s show on Fox, Bill O’Reilly does a segment he calls ‘Pinhead or Patriot.’ And today President Bush said, ‘Well, why can’t you be both? (Jay Leno)

Ann Coulter suffered a serious embarrassment over the weekend when her credit card was declined in Palm Beach in the 10 Items or Less line at the local Publix. Apparently she didn’t have any cash so she had to return a box of “Just for Men,” Old Spice and a vile of Prostatol. (Pedro Bartes)

CELEBRITIES

Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have come together to agree on a historic divorce settlement. Mills is to receive $110 million dollars after a marriage that only lasted 4 years. Even Oil companys’ presidents thought it was too much. (Pedro Bartes)

After saying the C-Word live on the “Today” show, Jane Fonda is causing more trouble. Today Jane went to the Los Angeles Airport and kept asking them to page Mike Hunt. (Alex Kaseberg)

Heidi Klum invited Britney Spears Monday to stay with her in her Beverly Hills home as she recovers. This is awful. It’s not going to ease the congestion problem in Los Angeles when the world hears that even our baby-sitters are German supermodels. (Argus Hamilton)

Going from a potential billionaire to being cut out of Grandpa’s will is certainly hard enough. But it’s even harder if you’re Paris Hilton and have expected the world to pay you vast amounts of money for simply being a Hilton! The totally devastated, perennially unemployed, do-nothing Paris Hilton has had to reach out and explore other options to float her overly extravagant and opulent lifestyle. It has been announced to the public that Paris Hilton will be offering, exclusively on eBay, her entire used lingerie collection of over 2,000 pairs of panties and bras for sale to the highest bidders. (Buckwheats Butt)

Paris Hilton got in trouble Friday when she said she owns seventeen dogs. Only commercial breeders can have more than three. Someone must tell her that having sex with a car while shooting a fast-food commercial doesn’t make you a commercial breeder. (Argus Hamilton)

Barron Hilton knocked down a gas station manager with his car before ramming it into a gas pump while driving drunk in Malibu Tuesday. The station manager will never have to worry about having a roof over his head. The Hiltons keep a separate hotel for all the people they run over. (Argus Hamilton)

Mel Gibson was in a Los Angeles courtroom Tuesday for his final appearance in his traffic arrest case. The judge sent him to AA meetings. The anti-Semitic tirade against a Jewish cop was settled when lightning struck Malibu, causing two weeks of brushfires. (Argus Hamilton)

Pentagon contractor and lobbyist Brent Wilkes was sentenced to twelve years in prison Tuesday for supplying jailed former congressman Duke Cunningham with cash and gifts and hookers at the Watergate Hotel. Twelve years in jail is not long enough. Heaven only knows what the hookers might have caught hanging out with a crowd like that. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

A high school teacher in California says he taught for seventeen years without being able to read, write or spell. That’s nothing. We have had someone with the same problem in the White House for the past seven years. (Jim Barach)

The Agriculture Department recalled beef produced in Southern California Monday due to possible E. coli contamination. It was sent to schools. For most teenage girls in Los Angeles it is a nice change from having to stick their fingers down their throats to lose weight. (Argus Hamilton)

CULTURE

We honestly do not care if a top elected official has sex with someone other than their wife; what we really care about is that they aren’t clever enough to keep from getting caught. (Alex Kaseberg)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Some states are investigating if Anheuser-Busch markets to teens with caffeinated alcohol drinks. “That’s ridiculous,” say producers of the upcoming Bud Extra promotion, “Hanna Montana Live.” (Alan Ray)

GM set a record for auto losses at $38.7 Billion. Exxon Mobil set a record for profits at $40 Billion. Gas is so expensive that we can’t afford anything to put it into. (Jim Barach)

POLLS & STUDIES

A new study shows that women focus on weather, health and safety while men prefer to think about sports, politics and international affairs. And that’s just during sex. (Bob Mills)

5 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-23-08

  1. Pingback: Presidential election 2008 |Republicans Vs. Democrats » WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-23-08

  2. //The Hiltons keep a separate hotel for all the people they run over. (Argus Hamilton)//

    Did Argus add two extra letters to his last name just to avoid being clubbed with a family of UTI drivers?

  3. //Paris Hilton will be offering, exclusively on eBay, her entire used lingerie collection of over 2,000 pairs of panties and bras for sale to the highest bidders. (Buckwheats Butt)

    From all the accounts I’ve read, I thought she didn’t have any. So what exactly will the bidders bid for?

  4. Vivek, she has them. She just doesn’t wear them. 🙂

  5. Amit,

    Two thousand of them??? That’s certainly a lot of loose change lying around.

    Anyway, she seems qualified to inspire a vice versa of the old expression “all dressed up and nowhere to go”. Any ideas?

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