WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-01-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state: the state of denial. (Jay Leno)

According to a research, a big number of Americans are still reluctant to vote for minorities, which is bad news for blacks, women and Republicans. (Pedro Bartes)

The House Commerce Committee tried to force pro sports to freeze athletes’ blood and store it for future HGH testing. The administration opposes the idea, calling it unconstitutional. Republicans are constitutionally opposed to bleeding rich people. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens faces a perjury probe today for denying steroid use to the House Oversight Committee. It seems a little harsh to charge him with lying to Congress. It’s not like everybody believed him and invaded Iraq on the strength of what he said. (Argus Hamilton)

What do you call somebody at a Ralph Nader campaign rally? Ralph Nader. That’s the only one there. (Jay Leno)

Well, you know who’s thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain. He’s not the oldest guy anymore. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama was accused of plagiarizing words from another politician. He says it’s no big deal, that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself and that in four score and seven years from now, who will remember? (Jim Barach)

President Bush said that the economy was not in a recession, leading economists to conclude that the economy was in a recession. (Andy Borowitz)

The Secret Service ordered Dallas police to stop screening people for weapons as they entered an arena for Barack Obama’s speech Wednesday because the line was slow. There’s no reason to worry. For crying out loud, it’s Dallas, what could happen? (Argus Hamilton)

Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don’t want to take sides here, but I think it’s pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of: John McCain. (Jay Leno)

Several states are investigating Bud and Miller Brewing for caffeinated alcohol products. Apparently the drinks keep you just awake enough to get in your car and drive while drunk. (Jim Barach)

FIDEL CASTRO

This weekend, Fidel Castro, who is 81 years old, resigned from the presidency of Cuba and was replaced by his brother Raul, who is 76. Yeah, afterwards, Castro said, “I wanted to give the kid a chance” (Conan O’Brien)

Fidel Castro’s brother, Raul Castro has taken over in Cuba. He is a much better choice than Fidel’s other brother, Tito. (Alex Kaseberg)

Cuba’s Parliament named Raul Castro president on Sunday. During his first speech Raul said that he’s looking forward to leading Cuba to the 20th Century. (Pedro Bartes)

Raul Castro took over the reins of power in Cuba Tuesday. Street parties broke out in Havana. The Cuban people are like the woman who enjoyed the happiest day of her life when she walked up to the altar, kissed her husband, and then closed the lid. (Argus Hamilton)

Fidel Castro made it clear Tuesday he is not fading away. He said he is still commander in chief, he heads the party and he won’t give up his newspaper column. Half the political prisoners in Cuba are editors who have tried to cancel his column. (Argus Hamilton)

Miami’s Hispanic population took to the streets last night to celebrate Fidel Castro temporarily stepping down from power. Way to go America! Our plan to slowly deteriorate his health over the course of 50 years is working. (Stephen Colbert)

President Bush said that in the event that Castro does die he has a plan in place to show the Cuban people there’s a better way than the plan they’re currently living under. Hey forget Cuba, how ’bout showing us that plan. I would love to see this plan. (Jay Leno)

Fidel Castro says the night before he announced he was stepping down as President he promised himself a vacation. He’s been on a sabbatical for 19 months, now he’s going on vacation. Dick Clark works more. (Patrick Gorse)

The people of Miami are celebrating tonight because Fidel Castro has temporarily stepped down. He had to undergo surgery so he’s transferred his presidential power to his brother Jeb Castro. Actually Castro’s brother’s name is Raul. As soon as his brother Raul found out he was taking over, he turned his raft around and went back to Havana. (Jay Leno)

Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has checked into the hospital and control of the country has been turned over to his brother. In a related story control of his beard has been turned over to ZZ Top. (Conan O’Brien)

In a speech in Florida President Bush praised all the contributions Cubans have made to America: catching, hitting, outfielding, shortstop. These were all major, major contributions. (Jay Leno)

And experts say Cuba’s new communist leader, Raul Castro is more progressive than his brother, Fidel. In fact, in his acceptance speech, he pledged to lead Cuba into the year 1960. (Jay Leno)

THE PRIMARIES & DEBATES

Tonight in Cleveland, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are debating one another for the 20th time. Yeah, experts are calling it redundant, unnecessary, and the most exciting thing that ever happened in Cleveland. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had yet another Democratic debate last night. This time it was in Ohio. The big winner, of course, Fox’s “American Idol.” (Jay Leno)

Now it’s just down to Hillary and Barack Obama debating. There was trouble. At a one point handlers had to stop Bill from jumping into the ring with a chair. (David Letterman)

Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, “Hey, easy, lady, we’re not married” (David Letterman)

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama faced off again tonight in Cleveland for their final debate before the next debate, I think, before the primaries on March 4th in Ohio, Texas, Rhode Island and Vermont. This is the 17th presidential debate. One more and the country gets a free eight-inch sub. (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE CANDIDATES

Hillary Clinton cited a Saturday Night Live skit to complain that Barack Obama gets worshipful press coverage. Reporters missed her remarks. They were standing in line to get into a arena where Barack Obama was performing the blessing of the microphones. (Argus Hamilton)

Here’s kind of a crazy story. According to the New York Times, even though both of John McCain’s parents are American citizens that were serving in the armed forces at the time, there could be a a constitutional argument that he can’t be president, ’cause he wasn’t born in this country. He was born in Panama. You know, as opposed to a child whose parents weren’t citizens, came here illegally and had a kid. He could be president, no problem. (Jay Leno)

Today, very strange development for John McCain. Have you heard about this? The New York Times just reported that John McCain may be constitutionally barred from becoming president because he was born outside the United States in the Panama Canal Zone. When he heard this, McCain said, “That’s ridiculous. When I was born, there was no Panama Canal.” (Conan O’Brien)

Some people are questioning the legality of McCain’s candidacy because he was born in the Panama Canal. Fortunately for McCain, when he was born, the continent had not been divided into countries yet (Pedro Bartes)

Mike Huckabee is said to be very frustrated, because McCain is refusing to give him the chance to debate again. According to the McCain’s campaign, they are actually being considerate because they know how hard Huckabee fought to lose weight and cameras usually add 10 lbs or more. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton on Tuesday found herself barely holding on in the polls in Texas, slightly leading in Ohio and just ahead in Pennsylvania, and she must win all three or she’s finished. No wonder the turnout has been so good. Hollywood has known for a hundred years that nothing draws a crowd like tying a blonde to the railroad tracks. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama’s church faces an IRS probe for letting him make a political speech at the church’s convention. No problem. The church has a million hours of cable news footage to prove he is Jesus, so they will have no trouble proving it was just a business trip. (Argus Hamilton)

I’m sure you’ve heard this story by now. The New York Times alleges that John McCain had an inappropriate relationship with a young female lobbyist. I haven’t seen McCain this angry since Matlock was canceled. (Jay Leno)

The Associated Press suggested the absence of an American flag pin on Barack Obama’s jacket may indicate he’s unpatriotic. Nothing that complex. How else can he avoid being mistaken for a family values, flag-wrapped Republican hypocrite? (Bob Mills)

The New York Times did it again. Today they released a story suggesting Hillary was sleeping with Bill. There’s only so much you can believe. (Jay Leno)

Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate – an organ donor card. (Jay Leno)

And former presidential candidate — what’s his name? Oh, Chris Dodd of Connecticut has given his endorsement to Barack Obama. Wow, you know what that means? Dozens of votes for Obama (Jay Leno)

Panicking over the speed at which her campaign is imploding, aides of Hillary Clinton released a photo of Barack Obama dressed in traditional tribal garb during a 2006 visit to Kenya. Choosing the high road, Obama’s aides decided not to release their photo of Bill wearing Monica Lewinsky’s stained dress at a White House Christmas party. (Bob Mills)

Political experts are now saying it’s almost impossible for Hillary Clinton to win, and everyone is urging her to call it quits and go home to Bill. Except, of course, Bill. “Stay out there, honey!” (Jay Leno)

In political news, John McCain got an unexpected bump last week from the New York Times. They ran a story about his ties to a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman. They hinted that he might have had an affair with her. Now it seems that instead of hurting his candidacy, it is helping his raise money because the Republican base is now rallying to his defense. (Jimmy Kimmel)

John McCain refuses to take reports that he had an affair with a woman 30 years his junior as a compliment. (Michael Feldman)

As you know, last week the big rumor, according to the New York Times, is John McCain was allegedly sleeping with a a young, attractive lobbyist. Well, that story has pretty much gone away. In fact, the only one trying to keep it alive now? John McCain.” (Jay Leno)

They say this woman traveled around with McCain to his campaign stops and she also flew aboard his private jet. You know what they call a young woman who travels around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse! (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama told Ellen DeGeneres that his poll percentages started to skyrocket after he danced on the comedienne’s show. Apparently, white America felt safe to vote for someone that dances like them. (Pedro Bartes)

There could be problems for Hillary Clinton. Apparently, there are 14 states to go, and she only has 12 pantsuits left. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to embarrass Barack Obama. Have you seen this? They have circulated pictures of Obama wearing tribal dress. Obama wanted to strike back, but there are no pictures of Hillary wearing a dress. (Craig Ferguson)

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg now says he is definitely not a candidate for president… kind of like Ralph Nader. (Jake Novak)

Republicans will do everything possible to keep Hillary Clinton out of the White House. It’s nothing personal — it’s just — she’s a woman. Republicans are afraid, if America ever elects a woman president, they’ll never elect another man. (Joe Hickman)

Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Barack Obama cried foul Monday when a photograph surfaced of him in Kenya last year wearing a Muslim turban. The Clinton campaign has a distinct advantage in this field. All of Bill’s scandals occurred just before the cell phone camera was invented. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama met off-camera Monday with Jewish leaders who wanted to hear his support for Israel. They’re worried about his willingness to talk to Iran, his ties to Jimmy Carter advisors, and his endorsement by Louis Farrakhan. They wanted to remind him privately that if he’s going to be Jesus, he has to remember he is Jewish. (Argus Hamilton)

And my favorite candidate, Ralph Nader, announced he’s running for president! Oh, I love Ralph. You know, you can’t get rid of him. Every election year he pops up. He’s like the herpes of presidential candidates. (Jay Leno)

Ralph Nader announced he’s running for president again. Immediately after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him to shut up. (Conan O’Brien)

Ralph Nader has announced he is for running president again. His announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope. And these people are called Republicans. (Craig Ferguson)

Ralph Nader announced for president Sunday on NBC’s Meet the Press. He cost Al Gore the presidency and today Al’s got five hundred million dollars, an Oscar, and a Nobel Prize. William Shatner just asked Ralph Nader to run against him for the Emmy. (Argus Hamilton)

Ralph Nader is running for president again. Nader says he’s running for president again because the Democrats did not stop President Bush on the war in Iraq and on the tax cuts. Stop him? If Nader hadn’t run, there wouldn’t have been a President Bush. (Jay Leno)

Ralph Nader launched his presidential bid on Meet the Press Sunday. Democrats had to shudder. Ralph Nader has such a reputation as a spoiler that U.S. agriculture officials have orders to shoot him on sight if they see him near a meat packing plant. (Argus Hamilton)

Ralph Nader announced he’s once again going to run for president. Nader says he’s running ’cause he’s tired of Mike Huckabee stealing all the “no chance in hell” votes (Conan O’Brien)

Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader selected Matt Gonzalez, a former member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, to be his running mate. That will increase his vote number 100% percent, to 2 votes. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, folks, the big news, Ralph Nader has chosen his running mate for president. You know who he picked? Matt Gonzalez! He chose Matt Gonzalez, ’cause Matt was the only guy that showed up at Ralph Nader’s campaign rally. (Jay Leno)

Earlier today, third-party presidential candidate Ralph Nader announced that his running mate is going to be a former city supervisor of San Francisco, Matt Gonzalez. This bold move will ensure that Nader gets the vote of Matt Gonzalez. He’s secured. The precious Gonzalez vote. (Conan O’Brien)

PRESIDENT BUSH

During a press conference today, President Bush said the following. He said it’s important we make the economy stronger so — quote — “families can put money on their table.” Yes, then Bush said that Americans should deposit food in their bank accounts. It was a good speech. I liked it. It’s hard to top what he actually said. (Conan O’Brien)

Southern Methodist University announced that they will be the home of George W. Bush’s presidential library. This will be the first presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects. In fact, I understand right now, they’re building a shelf for the book. (Jay Leno)

President Bush’s wife, Laura, was a librarian when they met. In fact, she’s the only thing he ever checked out of a library. (Jay Leno)

President Bush on Monday lobbied again for an intelligence law allowing government eavesdropping on phone calls and e-mails. Congress was surprised. They thought he was still in Africa. Hey, wishful thinking is better than none at all. (Joe Hickman)

President Bush said today that he is very concerned about the acceleration of hostilities in the former Yugoslavia. See, again, I don’t think President Bush is really familiar with this region of the world. Like, he said today that violence in Serbia could spread to Suburbia and claim the lives of millions of Suburbanites. (Jay Leno)

President Bush enjoyed Africa so much he’s trying to get Cheney to buy it for him. “C’mon, Dick! Lotta great places to hunt with no New York Times bureau. Hunt free anytime. Shoot anybody you want.” (Joe Hickman)

THE CONGRESS

You all know Senator Larry Craig, America’s favorite restroom enthusiast, we call him. He announced he is taking applications for summer interns to work in his office. All interviews will be conducted in stall number three, I believe. You just wait and he’ll push some papers under the door. (Jay Leno)

Senator Larry Craig has announced that he’s accepting applications for a summer internship. That’s true. Applicants should be comfortable with Word, Excel, and gay sex in the men’s room (Conan O’Brien)

THE COURTS

The Supreme Court heard arguments Wednesday on the Exxon Valdez oil spill caused by pilot Joseph Hazelwood eighteen years ago in Alaska. What a mess. To this day no speaker can follow him at AA meetings when he details the damage done by his drinking. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

This week in Sacramento, Mexican President Felipe Calderon spoke to California lawmakers. And out of force of habit, they gave him a driver’s license. (Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

Former Newark, New Jersey, Mayor Sharpe James arrived in court today for the first of two federal corruption trials. If found guilty, Sharpe James could get ten years in prison or 20 more years in Newark. (Conan O’Brien)

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa on Tuesday signed one of the nation’s toughest laws on pet sterilization, requiring most dogs and cats to be spayed or neutered by the time they are 4 months old. Some people in LA think he should start with himself. (Pedro Bartes)

On Monday, the city of Arlington, Oregon voted 142 to 139 to fire its mayor for posting pictures of herself in underwear on myspace. Clearly, those 142 people that voted against her were the ones she rejected as myspace friends (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

According to a new report, the U.S. ranks as the world’s No. 1 incarcerator, with over 2.3 million people in U.S. prisons or jails at the beginning of 2008. Fortunately, that number will drastically decline when Bush pardons all his friends before leaving office. (Pedro Bartes)

TERRORISM

Al Qaeda’s second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, vowed revenge on Wednesday for the killing last month of top al Qaeda leader Abu Laith al-libi. He says he doesn’t know what they’ll do, but al-Libi’s brother, Abu Shecky ad-Libi, would improvise something. (Patrick Gorse)

SECURITY

An interrogator at Guantanamo Bay Prison says he stands by interrogation techniques used there. He says it is a “thankless job”. What did he expect? Who thanks someone for torturing them? The interrogator says that “casual questioning” and not torture was the norm. Casual questioning means suspects were waterboarded while wearing jeans. (Jim Barach)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Well, this is depressing. Oil is now over $100 a barrel. Experts say gas could reach $4 a gallon, yeah. I believe the experts are named Bush and Cheney. (Jay Leno)

Oil finally closed above $100 a barrel. With that, Dick Cheney announced “My work here is done.” (Jim Barach)

Foreclosed homes across the country are being lived in by homeless people. Of course, the homeless are pretty much the former owners who had subprime mortgages. (Jim Barach)

I don’t think President Bush really understands the impact this has on the average American. Like, today, when they told him people would be paying $4 a gallon, he said, “Why don’t folks just buy half a gallon, and then with the money you save, you can buy the other half?” (Jay Leno)

President Bush declared Thursday the U. S. is not headed for recession. He also said Roger Clemmons has never eaten sweets, and he and his Republican buddies are starting a fund to buy artificial flippers for paraplegic sea turtles. In other words, he’s drinking again. (Joe Hickman)

Consumer confidence plunged on Tuesday, the wholesale inflation rate soared, the number of homes being foreclosed jumped, home prices fell sharply and a report predicts big increases in health care costs. As usual, Republicans blamed high interest rates on the New York Times. (Joe Hickman)

IRAQ

The Iraqi medical system is reportedly on the brink of collapse because of the war. In other words, they are becoming more like the U.S. every day. (Jim Barach)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Here’s a story that was leaked to the press today. You know, Prince Harry, God bless him, serving his country. He’s in Afghanistan on the front lines and he’s been there before. Of course, it’s been a huge secret. But he’s been serving on the front lines in Afghanistan. Of course, President Bush was stunned when he heard this, and he said, “His dad couldn’t get him out of it?” (Jay Leno)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

The Italian court ruled Tuesday that touching your crotch in public is considered against public decency and it is a finable offense. “That’s why I touch somebody else’s,” said Larry Craig. (Pedro Bartes)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

The province of Kosovo on Sunday declared independence from Serbia, prompting Hillary Clinton to ask, “So, who gets those delegates?” (Bill Maher)

INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

President Bush expressed support for Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, telling reporters, “Just because somebody didn’t get the most votes doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be president.” (Andy Borowitz)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

British scientists are now conducting new tests on the Shroud of Turin. … They’re trying to pinpoint exactly how old it is. They say if these tests are successful, one day they might be able too determine the exact age of John McCain. (Jay Leno)

A study says cell phones may cause tumors in the salivary gland. There’s no more sure way to get your wife suspicious than when you start salivating when you use your cell phone. (Jim Barach)

Scientists at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation reported in the Journal Fertility and Sterility that men who use cell phones four or more hours daily have reduced sperm counts. Nokia immediately came out with their new “One Night Stand” model which they’re advertising as a male birth control device. (Bob Mills)

U.S. health officials say the U.S. is better prepared for a flu pandemic, bio terror attack or other emergency than ever before. As long as for most Americans it doesn’t include a doctor’s visit. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Southern California surfers enjoyed fifteen-foot waves after a monstrous storm off the Pacific on Monday. One surfer was reported missing. He was filling up his car at the Chevron station in Malibu and he got pulled under by four dollars a gallon. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

Bret Favre will return to Green Bay for an 18th season. His numbers in 2007 were impressive. The last man this old to attempt that many passes was John McCain on a lobbyist jet. (Alan Ray)

The New England Patriots were reported Friday to have been secretly videotaping other teams for six years. The tapes were destroyed. The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl, the neighbors complained about the loud party at the Nixon Library. (Argus Hamilton)

Reggie Bush blew off his deposition in San Diego Monday in the civil suit that alleged he took money and a house while he played football at USC. The NCAA still hasn’t punished USC. If this infraction had been committed by Oklahoma or by the Clintons, they would have already had to forfeit every victory in the last twenty years. (Argus Hamilton)

Harry Caray’s bar in Chicago invited fans to share a one-hundred-gallon mug of beer Friday to mark the one hundred years since the Cubs won the World Series. So you see the problem. Chicagoans fight a flu epidemic the same way they play baseball. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens may have attended a party at Jose Canseco’s home which he had hotly denied attending. A photo of him at the party taken by an eleven-year-old boy has surfaced. If Hillary was president, children wouldn’t have to sell tabloid photos to pay for college. (Argus Hamilton)

St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa tried and failed to get the team brass to sign Barry Bonds. He once managed Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. Tony LaRussa has a master’s degree in law and a doctorate who will inject anyone, no questions asked. (Argus Hamilton)

Spring training is becoming big business with Major League Baseball teams making lots of money on meaningless games. Or as the Dodgers call it, the “regular season”. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

“Semi-Pro” is out in theaters this weekend. Will Ferrell is a goofy, hack basketball player on a lethargic team. To prep for the role, he trained with the Knicks.(Alan Ray)

The Black Crowes blasted Maxim Magazine for printing a review of their latest CD before even hearing it. Maxim defended itself, saying they don’t need to listen to a Britney Spears’ CD before knowing what they think of it. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT – THE OSCARS

Academy Awards on Sunday. Side effects include nausea, stomach pains, and sexual dysfunction. Academy Awards is like a flight on Jet Blue. You sit there for six hours hoping it will take off. (David Letterman)

You all enjoy the Academy Awards last night? I thought Jon Stewart did a great job. You know, the Oscars are broadcast in over 100 different countries, three of which actually like us. (Jay Leno)

All of the top Oscars went to foreign actors. They had to, all the American actors were in rehab. (Alex Kaseberg)

You know what’s amazing? All the acting Oscars went to foreigners. Foreigners won everything. In fact, today Lou Dobbs called for a 10-foot fence to be built around Hollywood. (Jay Leno)

The Academy Award nominees for Best Actor on Sunday were actors who played an assassin, a gangster, a bank robber, an attorney and an oil man. This year all the bad guys are white males. It’s what the Democratic Party calls the tide of history. (Argus Hamilton)

The Academy Awards ceremony aired live from Hollywood Sunday. The winners were careful onstage. Five years ago Michael Moore predicted that Saddam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction, now everyone bugs him about what stocks they should pick. (Argus Hamilton)

It’s official. Sunday’s Oscar telecast was an all-time ratings loser. Nobody watched that show. Even Stevie Wonder who was in the Kodak Theater said he lined the inside of his Ray-Bans with masking tape. (Patrick Gorse)

The Nielson ratings for the Academy Awards telecast were the lowest in the history of the event. Turned out to be No Country for Viewers — Old or Young. (Bob Mills)

Former exotic dancer Diablo Cody won an Academy Award for writing “Juno.” That is amazing, she was able to write a screen play in between lap dancing and studying for medical school. (Alex Kaseberg)

This just in, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards. The show was very long. And I always think it takes a lot of nerve for a show that’s four and a half hours to give an award for editing. I mean, the thing was so long and so dull, I thought I was hosting. (David Letterman)

THE MEDIA

On Bill O’Reilly’s show on Fox, Bill O’Reilly does a segment he calls “Pinhead or Patriot.” And today President Bush said, “Well, why can’t you be both?” (Jay Leno)

CELEBRITIES

Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch will be put up for public sale unless he pays the more than $24 million he still owes on the property. Reportedly, Osama bin Laden wants to buy the ranch. He heard it was a good place to exploit children. Of course, he’ll have to outbid America’s breweries. (Joe Hickman)

Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch in Los Olivos, CA will be auctioned off to satisfy the $245 million he still owes on it. The successful bidder will receive the ranch house, the outbuildings, the carrousel and three slightly used, one-size-fits-all noses. (Bob Mills)

Michael Jackson reportedly got a loan Wednesday to avoid foreclosure on Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. It has outlived its usefulness. After all the publicity that the house has gotten, there’s no way the neighbors still think it’s a junior high. (Argus Hamilton)

Madonna has finally announced a name and release date for her upcoming album. It’ll be called “Hard Candy” and like her latest albums it’ll be hard to swallow. (Pedro Bartes)

Jennifer Lopez was offered six million dollars by People magazine for the first picture of her new twins. No one’s surprised the photo is worth six million dollars. What no one could believe is that she was willing to dress up her babies as Marilyn Monroe. (Argus Hamilton)

Academy Award winner Tilda Swinton told reporters backstage Sunday she has two boyfriends in her life. She lives with both of them under one roof. It’s perfectly legal in California as long as you pay a twenty-five dollar fee for the extra baggage. (Argus Hamilton)

Oscar winner Tilda Swinton chose to attend the Oscar ceremony with her younger lover, while her husband, 68-year-old John Byrne, stayed at home in Scotland. People in Hollywood were outraged, because it is so inconsiderate to leave your husband alone, you should bring your lover, your husband, and his mistress as well. (Pedro Bartes)

Gennifer Flowers said Monday she is going to sell the recordings of her phone conversations with Bill Clinton. She said there’s historical interest in the tapes of a sitting American president talking to his mistress. It’s of historical interest to young people who want to know what phone sex was like before there were chat rooms. (Argus Hamilton)

L.A. mayor Villaraigosa’s former mistress, Mirthala Salinas, sacked as a field reporter for Telemundo when their relationship came to light, has landed a job at a Spanish language radio station. Though refusing to comment on her affair with the married politico, the name of her new show seems telling: “Good Morning, Antonio!” (Bob Mills)

Priscilla Presley will appear on “Dancing With The Stars”. Hey, let’s not forget, Elvis had some great dance moves on stage. Although there was that incident — towards the end of his career — Elvis did a twirl — injured five people on the front row with his belly. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

RELIGION

A new survey shows that nearly half of U.S. adults have abandoned religion altogether. The other half are currently worshipping Barack Obama. (Jake Novak)

American are switching religions or leaving organized religion at an alarming rate says the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life. It’s really getting pretty scary for the God business. For the first time in history, the New Orleans Saints have more fans than the original ones. (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

Stanford will stop charging admission to students of parents who make less than $100,000 a year. In other words, everyone will be treated like an athlete. (Jim Barach)

SMU is going to get the George W. Bush Presidential Library. The library could cost as much as $200 Million and will be located in a space formerly occupied by a phone booth. (Jim Barach)

CULTURE

According to a survey: The happiest people in the world live in Denmark. Danish people are so happy — some Saturday nights the Norwegians have to knock on the border and tell them to hold down the noise. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Playboy will dive into the energy drink business with a concoction made from ginseng root, guarana, and damiana leaf. All of which Hef ingests in large amounts before sex and swears by (Bob Mills)

A company called FortiFido has developed designer spring water bottled especially for dogs that comes in three flavors — Old Shoe, Kitty Doo-Doo and Toilet. (Bob Mills)

HISTORY

Actual strands of George Washington’s hair have fetched nearly $17,000 at an auction. Did you know there are close to one thousand fully documented strands of President George Washington’s hair still in existence? That’s twice as many as Vice President Cheney. (Patrick Gorse

BUSINESS & LABOR

Responding to complaints from the Palestinians, Hasbro apologized and withdrew ?Jerusalem, Israel? from its list of cities to be used in their new World Edition Monopoly Game. Remaining, however, is a new penalty card that says “PAY $200 — DO NOT PASS THE GOLAN HEIGHTS.” (Bob Mills)

A real estate agency in Englewood, FL is offering champagne limousine tours of homes with foreclosed mortgages along with instructions on snapping up someone else?s misfortune at bargain basement prices. “We’re just responding to public demand. It’s nothing personal,” said Phil Carrion, V.P. in charge of Century 21?s new subsidiary “Vultures R Us.’ (Bob Mills)

Faced with declining sales an an economy that continues its downward spiral, Starbuck’s will soon offer a regular cup of java for $1. Great if you don’t mind using a cup with “Unhip Loser” printed on it. (Bob Mills)

The Sharper Image has filed for bankruptcy. The company’s CEO signed the papers with a $500 solid gold pen with a leather grip and GPS device and mp3 player. (Jim Barach)

POLLS & STUDIES

According to a Zogby Poll, Americans chose Denzel Washington to impersonate Obama in a movie, Martha Stewart to impersonate Hillary, and the Crypt Keeper to impersonate McCain. (Pedro Bartes)

Researchers say the fear of internet sex predators is unjustified. They say your child is much more likely to be having sex with their teacher. (Jim Barach)

AWARDS

The Women’s Media Foundation sought nominations this week for its Courage in Journalism award. That’s easy. The bravest man in America is the one who woke up John McCain Monday with the news that all the major Academy Awards went to No Country for Old Men. (Argus Hamilton)

4 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-01-08

  1. That’s so funny, look here http://samsonblinded.org/news/bush-schizophrenic-or-ignorant-1823 Bush don’t want even talking to Iran because it keeps dissidents in jail, but that’s exactly what Israel does, keeps Arab and Jewish dissidents in jails. Why don’t Bush stop talking to Israel?

  2. What a great series of quotes. Conan O’Brien is better than any other late night shows. I can’t wait till he takes over for Jay Leno.

  3. Nice article,espesially real estate agency information.

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