WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-08-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Leap day, it comes every four years. But it really doesn’t mean anything. It’s like a Ralph Nader running for president, it doesn’t mean anything. (David Letterman)

Daylight Saving Time begins this Sunday at 2:00 am. I don’t think Bush understands the concept of Daylight saving, because he encouraged Americans not to save but rather spend it. (Pedro Bartes)

I am sick of Republican rule. I am, because first it was Senator Larry Craig and now the economy is in the toilet. (Bill Maher)

Everyone is so concerned where all the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in the Panama Canal Zone. Hillary was born outside Chicago. And if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger. (Jay Leno)

Mary Carey graduated from Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Wednesday. She was both a porno movie star and a California governor candidate. So her opinion carries weight when she says Hillary would photograph better if she were on top of the ticket. (Argus Hamilton)

I’m not saying the Republicans should have nominated Reagan’s reanimated corpse. I just didn’t want it to be John McCain’s reanimated corpse. (Stephen Colbert)

President Bush says it would be a mistake for OPEC not to increase oil output. Americans are all ears. President Bush knows nothing about the world, the economy or the environment, but nobody questions his expertise in the area of mistakes. (Argus Hamilton)

President George W. Bush commented on Sen. Hillary Clinton’s controversial “red phone” campaign ads at the White House today, telling reporters, “When that red phone rings, I just let it go straight to voicemail. If I answered the red phone every time it rang, I would never get any sleep.” (Andy Borowitz)

Renewed talk circulates about a Clinton-Obama ticket in the fall. Democrats feel they need a masculine voice to balance the team. And Obama brings some positives too. (Alan Ray)

Roger Clemens faces an investigation this week for lying to Congress about steroid use. It’s really ugly. Testimony indicates he attended a party at Jose Canseco’s house where Mrs. Canseco and Mrs. Clemens compared breast sizes, and their husbands won. (Argus Hamilton)

Some say that only the Democrats could screw up the opportunity they have to take the Presidency this coming November. But not many people realize that it only takes two of them to do it. (Norman Golan)

THE PRIMARIES

The Democratic Party holds more primaries today and the pollsters’ latest snapshots show Hillary on top of Obama in Ohio and Barack on top of Hillary in Texas. Today there’ll be no losers. Larry Flynt just offered ten million dollars for the snapshots. (Argus Hamilton)

Everyone’s still trying to figure out what happened at the primaries. Here it is: Barack Obama had the most delegates; Hillary Clinton had the most superdelegates; and John McCain had the most difficulty going to the bathroom. (Craig Ferguson)

Despite winning Ohio and Texas, Hillary Clinton only picked up12 delegates on Barack Obama. Experts say for Hillary to win it would have to be the greatest come-from-behind Clinton performance since Bill stained the back of Monica’s blue dress. (Alex Kaseberg)

Hillary Clinton told reporters on Monday she’s “just getting warmed up.” If Hillary wins in Texas and Ohio on Tuesday, she and Obama may make it such a hot race John McCain will age twice as fast just trying to decide who to sling the mud at. When reporters told Bill Hillary was just getting warmed up, he said, “I want to rub up against that!” (Joe Hickman)

Obama pins blame on Hillary for defeat – A strategist for the Obama campaign says they could have easily won both Ohio and Texas had there not been an opponent running against them. (DUH! Magazine)

THE CANDIDATES

Hillary Clinton said Wednesday she could share a ticket with Barack Obama. The problem is with stereotypes. He refuses to be her driver and she refuses to be his secretary and Michelle Obama refuses to sit in the back of the bus with Bill Clinton. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain’s eligibility to run for President is being questioned. McCain was born in the Panama Canal Zone which means he is not a natural born citizen as required by the Constitution. Of course, back then he would have had to have been born in one of the Thirteen Colonies. (Jim Barach)

John McCain clinched the GOP nomination with four primary wins Tuesday. He was born on an American military base in the Panama Canal Zone. This means in four years Arnold Schwarzenegger will be able to run for president by arguing that the year he was born, Austria had enough U. S. tanks in it to qualify as an American military base. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain said his remark that we would be in Iraq 100 years was misunderstood. He pointed out that for him, 100 years isn’t all that long. (Jim Barach)

Barack Obama expressed anger Sunday over misperceptions that he’s Muslim. It’s nothing to worry about. Having the middle name Hussein doesn’t make Barack Obama a Muslim any more than the middle name Walker makes President Bush a twelve-year-old Scotch. (Argus Hamilton)

A photo has been circulating of Barack Obama in a turban. This should actually help Obama with a key group of voters in New York: taxi drivers. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain capped a major comeback Tuesday by seizing the GOP nomination with four primary wins. He was left for dead last summer. Then on Tuesday night, Ohio, Texas, Rhode Island and Vermont tied Israel’s record for most number of resurrections. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton said she raised thirty-five million dollars in February. She’s finally gotten the hang of Internet fundraising. It turns out the only three ways to make money on the Internet are pornography, gambling and promising free health care. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain arrived at the White House to receive an endorsement from President Bush. That’s nice but isn’t that like getting fashion tips from Michael Moore? (Alex Kaseberg)

Hillary Clinton is continuing to tout her national security credentials. She says she’s an expert on domestic threats… she ought to be, she’s been married to her biggest domestic threat for 32 years. (Jake Novak)

If GOP candidate Mike Huckabee’s is elected president, he plans to build a fence to keep the aliens out of the U. S. Maybe I’m the moron here, but it seems that once you manage to traverse the entire galaxy, it’s unlikely that eight feet of chain link is going to stop you. (Steve Bacon)

John McCain apologized Tuesday after radio talk show host Bill Cunningham, who introduced McCain at a rally, repeatedly emphasized Barack’s Obama’s middle name, “Hussein,” without once mentioning McCain’s middle name, “Methuselah.” (Seth Meyers)

Sen. Barack Obama raised a record $55 million in February for his presidential campaign. The new President will have to raise money a lot faster to pay back the trillions Bush borrowed. (Joe Hickman)

On Monday, John McCain said he is the right person to answer the phone at 3 a.m. in the White House. He won’t have any problems because he gets out of bed to go to the bathroom every ten minutes. (Pedro Bartes)

Rep. Ron Paul said that he is dropping out of the G.O.P. race, but would continue to run for president of Earth II. (Andy Borowitz)

PRESIDENT BUSH

At the press conference, they asked him about the fact gas is approaching $4. You know what Bush said? He said, “That’s interesting. I hadn’t heard that.” See, Bush thinks a news conference is where reporters give him the news (Bill Maher)

President Bush is expressing “serious concern” about the surprisingly weak jobs report released Friday morning. That’s because he’s going to be out of work in less than 10 months and he’s still not qualified to do anything. (Jake Novak)

President Bush on Thursday said that the country is not heading for a recession and that the economy is actually robust. He added, “Case in point, I’m rich!” (Amy Poehler)

THE CONGRESS

Larry Craig has posted a help wanted notice on his Senate website seeking qualified applicants — “team players who share my philosophy” — for several vacant congressional internships. Those afflicted with a narrow stance needn’t apply. (Bob Mills)

THE COURTS

Hollywood private eye Tony Pellicano went on trial Wednesday for illegally wiretapping male movie stars in divorce cases. The divorces were inevitable. These guys reside in Hollywood, where a fool and his money get to meet a lot of great babes. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

A study says Texas is the nation’s biggest polluter. And that doesn’t even include all the Hillary and Obama campaign commercials going over the airwaves. (Jim Barach)

On New Jersey making hand-held cell phones illegal for calls and text messages while driving: Most New Jersey drivers will still be able to communicate to other drivers with the traditional finger. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

In Philadelphia, twin gay porn actors were arrested for a string of 30 robberies. The twin gay male porn actors brought a creepy meaning to the Philadelphia motto: The city of brotherly love. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Detroit City Council plans to vote on a resolution that would ask embattled Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick to step down. The council plans to inform Kilpatrick by text-messaging him at his mistress’ house. (Jake Novak)

The Detroit City Council has told Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick he must resign or risk being forced out of office. He allegedly lied under oath. Apparently everyone agrees he shouldn’t be mayor. He belongs in congress. (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The U.S. Postal Service has agreed to help law enforcement check the mail sent to suspected terrorists and other criminals. So far, the FBI and the CIA have learned that the nation’s alleged killers and bombers receive about 136 credit card solicitations per week. (Jake Novak)

A Washington man who wanted to get out of a mandatory work drug test is in trouble with the law for having his friend shoot him in the shoulder to provide him with an excuse. He’s now been charged with filing a false police report, and he’s out of work because he tested positive for stupidity. (Patrick Gorse)

TERRORISM

A small bomb has damaged the military recruitment center in New York’s Times Square severely hindering the armed forces’ ability to continue signing up hookers, drunks and homeless people. (Jake Novak)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Home foreclosures are up 57% in the past year. President Bush says that is great news. He says it’s good to hear at least part of the housing market isn’t going down. (Jim Barach)

Even though Wall Street remains shaky, the bulls show no signs of running out of money to invest. Where do the bulls get all that mney? A lot of them married rich cows. (Ha Blog)

Oil prices have hit an all-time high of almost $104 a barrel. Gas is so expensive that people cannot even afford enough gas to set their houses on fire to collect insurance money. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush says the country is not headed toward recession. He says not one state is threatening to leave the union. (Jim Barach)

On President Bush’s announcement that America is not headed into a recession: Especially if you own an oil company. (Jay Leno)

SPACE & NASA

NASA plans to crash a giant spacecraft onto the lunar surface as part of their search for water on the moon. Hey, remember who’s to blame if the moon springs a leak and makes the universe all soggy and moldy. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics. He stated, “Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams.” Translation: “Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country” (Gil Ross)

Venezuela and Ecuador are massing troops at the Colombian border. It’s the biggest threat to the cocaine trade since Robert Downey Jr. went to jail. (Jake Novak)

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez on Sunday threatened to take Venezuela to war with Colombia. It’s alarming. If Hugo Chavez is able to get control of both the oil and the cocaine in the Western Hemisphere he can take California away from Mexico. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas says he will resume peace talks with Israel. He backed off a threat to boycott negotiations when he realized doing that might interfere with his monthly clothing allowance from the State Department. (Jake Novak)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

A new survey by the Royal College of Nursing in London found that one in six nurses admitted to having sex with a patient. Unfortunately, the survey also said that only one in six nurses is OK looking and she is probably the one that didn’t have sex with you. (Pedro Bartes)

Great Britain’s judicial office said Thursday the judgment in Paul McCartney’s divorce case will be announced in two weeks. Everyone’s watching. It could be the most expensive divorce in British history, if you don’t count the American Revolution. (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

A study by sports physicians at the University of Cologne found that 40% of German soldiers are overweight and unfit. In their defense, though, they have few role models to emulate and those they do have look like Sgt. Schulz on “Hogan’s Heroes.” (Bob Mills)

At a technology fair in Germany, French President Nicolas Sarkozy suggested that France and Germany get together to make a super computer. It would combine elements of Dell and Apple to store data. It would be called a Dell-Apple-Data’d. Is a French and German computer really a good idea? It would just surrender to its own virus attacks. (Alex Kaseberg)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Dmitry Medvedev has won the Russian presidential election with 70 percent of the vote. In a related story, 30 percent of the Russian population is about to be executed. (Jake Novak)

HEALTH

A new study shows that having a baby sometimes leads to memory lapses in women. Apparently, all the late-night feedings and diaper changes can cause a mom to forget how to sleep. (Jake Novak)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Los Angeles’ tap water was voted the tastiest in the United States. I like New York City tap water. I like that you can blow the head off it. (David Letterman)

SPORTS

The Pittsburgh Pirates set aside all-you can-eat sections in the ball park for all games this season. It’s where fans can eat for free for forty dollars a ticket. Structural engineers think it’s cheaper to let the stadium collapse than to implode it. (Argus Hamilton)

Bret Favre retired Tuesday, saying he wanted to go home to his farm in Southern Mississippi. It was a money decision. Green Bay offered him twenty million to play football but the Agriculture Department offered him thirty million not to grow cotton. (Argus Hamilton)

The Los Angeles Marathon drew a record number of runners Sunday for the twenty-six-mile run through town. The finishing times were a bit slow this year. Half the competitors stopped to pick up their dry cleaning and their kids just to save the gas. (Argus Hamilton)

Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane vowed Monday to honor his personal services contract with Roger Clemens. He loves the guy. He will change the team colors back to orange if it makes Roger feel less conspicuous picking up trash along the roadside. (Argus Hamilton)

Bret Favre retired Tuesday after seventeen Hall-of-Fame seasons with the Green Bay Packers. Blame it on the Democrats. Wisconsin has such an efficient cradle-to-grave welfare system that everybody in the state is able to retire at thirty-eight. (Argus Hamilton)

Candlestick Park in San Francisco has gone back to its original name. When Barry Bonds played there with the San Francisco Giants it had to change its name to Needle Stick Park. (Jim Barach)

The Iditarod got underway in Alaska Saturday amid a drug scandal. Sled drivers blow marijuana in the dogs’ faces to calm them down. Maybe now they’ll stop blaming the vanishing wildlife there on the oil companies and start blaming it on the munchies. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

The Associated Press reported on Tuesday that there were no plans to remove contestant David Hernandez from American Idol, despite the semifinalist’s past as a male stripper. Apparently, they are going to keep him around until Ryan Seacrest runs out of $1 bills. (Pedro Bartes)

“American Idol” is down to the final 12. Is it just me or does dreadlocked contestant Jason Castro look like the unholy spawn of Bob Marley and John Travolta? (Alex Kaseberg)

THE MEDIA

CBS signed a deal to air Mixed Martial Arts bouts in April. The sport’s bloody and barefisted and allows judo, karate, wrestling, boxing and kickboxing. Of all the ideas CBS has had to boost Katie Couric’s ratings, this is the one that might work. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

The Olsen twins are now authors! They have written a coffee table book. They can’t lift it, but they wrote it. (Craig Ferguson)

London Police have cleared singer Amy Winehouse of suspicion of witness tampering. Apparently Winehouse was trying to protect the identity of whomever it was who did her hair. (Jim Barach)

Doctors in Houston have implanted a biventricular pacemaker-defibrillator in the chest of 64 year old former Polish president and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Lech Walesa. The device, the state-of-the-art “Beatmaster 500” from Motorola, not only keeps the heart operating properly, but also attempts to prolong life by sounding an alarm whenever Dick Cheney gets within 500 yards of the wearer while carrying a shotgun. (Bob Mills)

Paris Hilton is launching a new line of shoes. The brand is called STIF. Not because they are too rigid, they are called STIF because on the inside they feature the instructions: Stick Toes In First. (Alex Kaseberg)

Britney Spears broke up with her boyfriend Monday a week after she surrendered custody of her two kids. That’s the way it goes. With gas nearing four dollars per gallon, everyone in Los Angeles is having to make hard choices in order to stay mobile. (Argus Hamilton)

A California court has ruled that Britney Spears’ father will retain control of his daughter’s finances and estate for another five months… meaning the current recession for American drug companies will continue for at least another five months. (Jake Novak)

American Idol judge Simon Cowell Monday turned down a two million dollar offer to be Viagra’s spokesman in Britain. Last year England began selling the drug over the counter. Since then the sales are off but the counters have gone through the roof. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

An Israeli researcher claims that Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments. So there were probably 20 commandments, but he forgot the other 10. (Pedro Bartes)

HISTORY

Archivists at the University of Rochester have discovered letters signed by Abraham Lincoln in which he suggests that the money being spent on the Civil War, then $58 million per month, be better spent purchasing all the slaves in the US for $173,048,800 — $400 each. Which, shamefully, is the lowest value ever placed on slaves – if you don’t count Wal-Mart. (Bob Mills)

A sea-faring, 1969 attempt by the Hell’s Angels to assassinate Mick Jagger failed when the Aqua Mean Anger Force hit rough waters and fell off their boat. When he heard the story, Keith Richards laughed so hard he fell out of his tree. (Patrick Gorse)

Evidence has surfaced that in 1969, disgruntled over losing their security jobs after being blamed for the death of a fan at a Rolling Stones concert, the Hells Angels motorcycle devised a plan to kill Mick Jagger. For some inexplicable reason they have never revealed, at the last minute, they decided to kill Keith Richard instead — and succeeded. (Bob Mills)

BUSINESS & LABOR

I tried to make a withdrawal at a Citibank ATM last night and instead of giving me cash, it asked me for a loan. (Jake Novak)

Victoria’s Secret executives announced Thursday the lingerie chain will totally retool its marketing image and begin selling less sexy underwear. Sales have been plummeting recently. Britney Spears killed underwear the way Jack Kennedy killed hats. (Argus Hamilton)

Drug-maker Merck says more than 44,000 people have signed up for part of a $4.85 billion Vioxx settlement. But with a name like Vioxx, it turns out that about 25,000 of those people thought they were signing up for free porn. (Jake Novak)

Aetna Insurance says it will delay its policy change that would not pay for anesthesiologists during colonoscopies. Their claim is that it’s no different than what the insurance company does to its clients every day. (Jim Barach)

Lobbing a canon ball across the bow of Starbucks, 7-Eleven now offers a coffee-flavored Slurpee they call the “Slurppuccino.” Not to be confused with their Chianti-flavored Slurpee they call the “Alpacino.” (Bob Mills)

POLLS & STUDIES

A study says that half of the world’s population is now living in cities. In fact, half of Mexico is already living in Los Angeles. (Jim Barach)

A new survey shows that a third of American workers are getting some sleep while at work. The other two-thirds are stuck on hold waiting for the workers on the other end of the phone to wake up. (Jake Novak)

A study says that spanking children can affect their sex lives as adults. But only if they continue to be very naughty girls. (Jim Barach)

5 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-08-08

  1. Jon Stewart noted that the phone in Hillary’s “3 am” commercial rang 7 times, which seemed a long time. He wondered why the phone wasn’t picked up a bit quicker.

    Well, you got to get up, go to the next room, shoo out the floozy, wake the guy with the experience up and get him to answer the phone.

    That takes time.

  2. //A study says that half of the world’s population is now living in cities. In fact, half of Mexico is already living in Los Angeles. (Jim Barach)//-they need Thackeray brothers desperately 🙂
    //I tried to make a withdrawal at a Citibank ATM last night and instead of giving me cash, it asked me for a loan. (Jake Novak)// inform all the salemen offering loans all day long on our mobiles.
    //NASA plans to crash a giant spacecraft onto the lunar surface as part of their search for water on the moon. Hey, remember who’s to blame if the moon springs a leak and makes the universe all soggy and moldy. (Toms Lake Humor Company)// very funny.

  3. this is getting ridiculously large !!!!

    🙂

  4. Prerna: You have great rejoinders 🙂

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