WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-15-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

That shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean you’ve got Democrats, who are supposed to be poor, paying $5,000 an hour for sex, and you’ve got Republicans, who are supposed to be rich, cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free. (Jay Leno)

I have heard that Eliot Spitzer engaged in some kinky things. When a reporter asked him what his favorite form of weird sex was with these professionals, he looked puzzled and replied “Beats me!” And supposedly, his wife tracked him to the hotel one night and called his room from the reception desk below. He said “I can’t talk to you now. I’m tied up at the moment.” (Charles Wukasch)

Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour. (Jay Leno)

Governor Spitzer was caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet a call girl in a famous Washington D.C. hotel. It’s not unusual. The number of women who came over on the Mayflower will never equal the number of women who came across at the Mayflower. (Argus Hamilton)

A word has been added to the dictionary. Spitzer, n., a person who spits in other peoples’ faces only to have it blow back in his own. (Scott Witt)

Prescription medications have been discovered in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. Or, as President Bush calls that, the Republican health care plan. You drink eight glasses of water a day, you get all your drugs. You see, again, I don’t think President Bush understands this problem. Like today, he said, he read the report and was shocked to learn our tap water contains the chemical H2O. (Jay Leno)

Voters in two Vermont towns have called for the arrest of President Bush and Vice President Cheney should they ever visit. When President Bush was told the law was non-binding and symbolic, he said “Oh, you mean like the Constitution?” (Jim Barach)

ELIOT SPITZER

Governor Eliot Spitzer was caught on a federal wiretap procuring a high-priced call girl. One thing is for sure now. Democrats in Congress will reauthorize Jim Crow laws before they allow the president to conduct any more warrantless wiretapping. (Argus Hamilton)

Apparently Gov. Spitzer was arranging his tryst with the escort service in a Washington, D.C., hotel room. I guess this is what he meant by getting crime out of New York. (Janice Hough)

According to the FBI wiretap, they had the transcript, Gov. Spitzer was listed as Client No.9. No. 9? He’s the governor. Who were the eight guys in front of him? You’d think as governor, you’d at least get to go first. (Jay Leno)

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has admitted that he has been involved in a prostitution ring. This is the same man who when he was attorney general went after the prostitution rings. So apparently for not giving him good service. (Jay Leno)

It was one of those sting deals. And they caught Eliot Spitzer with a wire, recording him soliciting a prostitute. And I’m thinking, “Holy cow, we can’t get bin Laden, but we got Spitzer.” (David Letterman)

New York politicians formed a chorus calling for Governor Spitzer to resign on Monday in the wake of his call girl scandal. The lieutenant governor who would replace him is legally blind. That’s the first good news Wall Street has had all year. (Argus Hamilton)

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday after it was learned he had spent eighty thousand dollars on hookers. His career is far from over. He woke up the next day to find himself leading all the polls to be the next president of France. (Argus Hamilton)

You know, I’m a half-full kind of guy. I always try to put a positive spin on stuff. Sure, it’s a horrible story. On the other hand, you look at it this way, he was supporting New York’s number one industry. (David Letterman)

More details are starting to come out about the $5,000 prostitute. Her name’s Ashley Alexandra Dupre. She’s a 22-year-old aspiring musician. I believe she is classically trained on the flute. (Jay Leno)

Eliot Spitzer admitted Tuesday he spent four thousand dollars to have sex with a call girl for two hours. People in Los Angeles all had the same reaction. Whether it is transportation or sex or Disneyland, in this day and age, nobody rides for free. (Argus Hamilton)

You know how the governor got caught? Through wiretaps. You see, Democrats get caught in sex scandals through wiretapping. Republicans get caught in sex scandals through foot tapping. (Jay Leno)

The big news today that we need to discuss, the identity of Governor Eliot Spitzer’s prostitute has been revealed. The prostitute that Eliot Spitzer had his affair with is apparently a young woman from New Jersey. When asked why she slept with New York’s ex-governor, she said, “Because New Jersey’s ex-governor is into guys.” (Conan O’Brien)

Lieutenant Governor David Paterson will be sworn in as his replacement. Paterson says his top priority is fiscal responsibility. He wants to cut back on government spending. Especially on whores. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The Emperor’s club, the high-end international escort service that provided Spitzer with call girls, rates its prostitutes with 1 to 7 diamonds. Apparently, that’s the number of diamonds you’ll have to give to your wife according to the quality of the girl you are caught with. (Pedro Bartes)

Penthouse Magazine offered Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the woman involved in the Spitzer’s scandal, the cover shot of the magazine. Apparently, this is not the first time a woman involved in a sex scandal with a politician got offered the cover shot of a magazine. It is a little known fact that Monica Lewinsky was offered the cover shot of Cattle South Magazine. (Pedro Bartes)

Eliot Spitzer’s lawyers now are strategizing on his legal defense. Now they are saying he acted irrational because he was on tap water. (Pedro Bartes)

But a lot of rumors about what is going to happen. If Governor Spitzer does resign over his prostitution scandal, it’s been reported that he will go into private practice as a lawyer. That’s what he’s going to do. Yeah. When asked why he wants to practice law again, Spitzer said, “I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients.” (Conan O’Brien)

I guess you heard the big news. Governor Eliot Spitzer, governor of New York, resigned today. He left his resignation on the night table with a $300 tip. (David Letterman)

The New York Times reported that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was a customer of a high-end prostitution ring, that the prostitutes knew him as Client #9. Client #9, yeah. Not surprisingly, clients one through eight were Charlie Sheen. (Conan O’Brien)

So you gotta be fair. It’s not good, some of these girls charged the governor up to $5,000 an hour. And when he heard that, today Sen. Larry Craig said, “I would’ve done the guy for free — This is more government waste. We can take care of these problems internally.” (Jay Leno)

I don’t want to rub it in to any of you visiting from New York, but here in California, our governor doesn’t have to pay for sex. When he wants it, he takes it (Jimmy Kimmel)

Do you ever notice politics is the only profession when a guy gets caught with a hooker, the wife has to stand by his side. You know, if this guy was a plumber and he got caught with a prostitute, he’d have his wife’s SUV tire tracks over his head. (Jay Leno)

The New York Times was able to find Kristen, the 22-year-old prostitute who Spitzer allegedly paid $1,000 an hour. Her real name is Ashley Dupre. Her MySpace page says her first love is music, she wants to be a singer, and then her second love is having sex with governors for money. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Now, here’s the deal about the tryst down there in a Washington, DC, hotel — $5,000 and a hotel room. Five grand and a hotel room. And Senator Larry Craig — you remember Larry from Idaho? He said, “Well, that’s crazy. For two quarters, I can have a pay toilet all night.” (David Letterman)

New York’s former mayor Ed Koch said Monday he thought Governor Spitzer appeared to be working under a lot of strain lately. The governor’s friends were urging him to seek professional help. They should have been more specific about which profession. (Argus Hamilton)

Don’t kid yourself, this is serious. Eliot Spitzer could go to jail. He could go to prison. Think about that. The former governor of New York can go to prison. And, well, that’ll be sex he won’t have to pay for. (David Letterman)

THE PRIMARIES

Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this would be it. But like Bill always says, “Hillary does not go down without a fight.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

But congratulations to John McCain, he wrapped up the Republican nomination this week. And we know this is official now because Mike Huckabee dropped out and said he was joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you’ve got one guy who doesn’t believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it. (Bill Maher)

Hillary Clinton did very well this week. The Clintons say they’re a lot closer to getting back in the White House. Which Bill is very excited about so he can get these magazines he left under the mattress. (Craig Ferguson)

THE CANDIDATES

In a surprise endorsement, one long-sought by the Nader campaign, Ralph Nader has just endorsed Ralph Nader; in other news, Bob Dole still endorses Viagra. (PNN News)

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all said that they are the person who should answer the phone at the White House if it rings at 3 a. m. Meanwhile, most Americans think that the White House should just get a receptionist. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain refused to say Friday how close he came to being John Kerry’s running mate. However, they did have a long private conversation about whether it was better to withdraw or surge. All these guys with prostate problems have one thing on their minds. (Argus Hamilton)

Eliot Spitzer was a Hillary Clinton superdelegate. Also, Spitzer was on Hillary Clinton’s vice president list, possible running mate. Boy, she can pick ’em, can’t she? (David Letterman)

John McCain won the Republican nomination. He was awarded with a trip to the White House. Mike Huckabee dropped out and was awarded a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. (Craig Ferguson)

John McCain announced he’s going to take a trip to Iraq. Which might be a bad idea, because the last time McCain went to a war zone, we didn’t hear from him for five years. (Conan O’Brien)

Ron Paul is hinting that he may quit the Republican presidential race. He addressed his supporters with a seven and a half minute video. That is about as long as anyone took his candidacy seriously. (Jim Barach)

PRESIDENT BUSH

What do you get when you divide the circumference of George W. Bush’s head by it’s diameter?
We’re not certain, but it sure as Hell ain’t humble pi. (Jim Mica)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Vice President Dick Cheney is to visit the Middle East next week. Reportedly, he’s invited Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to go goat hunting. It’s called “Middle East Surge-2; Operation Unleash Goofy.” (Joe Hickman)

THE DEMOCRATS

John Kerry complained Sunday that the Clintons say simultaneously Barack Obama isn’t ready to be president and he should be a heartbeat away. He’s endorsed Obama. John Kerry wants everybody to know he voted for the Clintons before he voted against them. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

Larry Craig has petitioned the Minnesota Court of Appeals to allow him to withdraw his plea of guilty to charges that he solicited an undercover police officer for gay sex in an airport men?’s room. He now claims he was tapping his feet while rehearsing for an upcoming appearance on “Dancing With the Stars.” (Bob Mills)

US Senate candidate Al Franken was fined $25,000 for failure to carry workman’s compensation insurance on members of his staff Not Al’s fault. Wesley Snipes told him he didn’t have to. (Bob Mills)

Hey, you know who’s gonna run for Congress? Jack Kevorkian. Remember him? The suicide doctor. Kevorkian is 79 years old, and he’s going to run for Congress. See, there’s a term limit proposal everybody could get behind. See what I’m saying? Just have the politicians kill themselves. (Jay Leno)

Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian, said he’s running for Congress. Congressmen in DC said that they didn’t need him, because if they want to commit suicide they just need to be caught with a hooker. (Pedro Bartes)

THE STATES

Florida officials started making plans Monday to hold a mail-in primary as the best way to help settle the Democratic nomination. Hillary has just one request. She wants all the mail-in votes just arriving for Al Gore to count as votes for her. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

South Pasadena, California has adopted a law that outlaws swearing during the first week of March. That still gives people plenty of room until April 15th to use profanity on the IRS. (Jim Barach)

SECURITY

The London Sun reported Sunday that a new security camera can see right through clothes and detect weapons and drugs. What a lifesaver. When a guy hits on a woman at a bar he can see if she is wearing a padded bra and she can see if he really has cocaine. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

The Federal Reserve is lending $200 billion to banks all over the world in an effort to stabilize stock markets, ease the mortgage crisis, and give bank CEOs a chance to pay off their outstanding bills at the Emperors Club. (Jake Novak)

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke downplayed the threat of a recession and rising inflation rates Wednesday. He told congressmen that the American economy is back on its feet. That’s just a nice way of saying that people are walking to save gas. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez threatened to invade Colombia Friday. This is cause for alarm. If war breaks out between Venezuela and Colombia, a military draft could leave Major League Baseball without one decent shortstop or second baseman. (Argus Hamilton)

Puerto Rico’s Democratic Party will hold its presidential primary on the first of June. The island gets all the benefits of U.S. protection but they don’t have to pay U.S. income taxes. Wesley Snipes’s birthday is an official holiday in Puerto Rico. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ & IRAN

Tehran police chief Reza Zarei resigned Tuesday after being found naked with six naked hookers in a local brothel. His job was to enforce the Islamic dress code on women. If the police had just showed up five minutes later he would have had them dressed correctly. (Argus Hamilton)

HEALTH & SCIENCE

A vast array of pharmaceuticals, including anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones, have been found in the drinking water in hundreds of American cities. Well, that explains the last two presidential elections. (Jake Novak)

Los Angeles drinking water was discovered to contain pharmaceutical drugs this week. There are female sex hormones in the tap water. Jack Nicholson became the last surviving leading man of his generation because for forty he drank nothing but Scotch. (Argus Hamilton)

America’s drinking water was found to contain pharmaceuticals in investigations revealed Sunday. Researchers found antibiotics, mood stabilizers and sex hormones in the tap water. At last Roger Clemens has a defense that can get him into the Hall of Fame. (Argus Hamilton)

Sales of prescription drugs in the United States grew just 3.8% in 2007, marking the lowest growth rate since 1961. Of course, who needs to pay for prescription drugs when you can get it free in the tap water? (Jake Novak)

An AP investigation reveals there are prescription drugs in our drinking water; the drugs are found in small trace elements put it is apparently enough to knock Paula Abdul loopy. (Alex Kaseberg)

An Australian study says tall women and those who have put on weight are more susceptible to skin cancer. That makes sense. The tall women are closer to the sun and the overweight women have more skin. (Jim Barach)

A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that one in four teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. The study also revealed that one in four teenage girls will end up as a contestant for the TV shows Bret Michaels’ “Rock of Love” and “Flavor of Love.” (Pedro Bartes)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

The Weather Channel reported a freak blizzard that hit Dallas Thursday. There was snow all over the landscape. It was a visual reminder that Colombia’s been a strong U.S. trading partner since the Disco Era and deserves our support in its hour of danger. (Argus Hamilton)

The Weather Channel reported snow and ice storms blowing into the Eastern Seaboard from the Midwest Wednesday. The cold was bone chilling. It was so cold in New York that prostitutes were charging Eliot Spitzer an extra thousand dollars just to cuddle. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Friday league agents will make unannounced raids on NFL coaches boxes, team offices and stadium video booths. He’s looking for any evidence of cheating. You’d think guys who make that much money would get a room. (Argus Hamilton)

Green Bay Packers legend Brett Favre broke down crying at his press conference Thursday while announcing his retirement. He was overcome with emotion. Football players might have had to give up Human Growth Hormone but there’s no ban on estrogen. (Argus Hamilton)

U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner said Wednesday that Roger Clemens should get a pass for lying to Congress in House testimony because it’s not that serious an offense. The ballplayer was merely showing good manners. The general feeling is, when in Rome. (Argus Hamilton)

Tiger Woods took batting practice against pitcher John Smoltz and went one for three with a walk. Apparently he’s planning on putting up some Hall of Fame numbers in baseball if the golf thing doesn’t work out. (Jim Barach)

Tiger Woods is favored to win his fifth straight tournament at Arnold Palmer’s Bay Hill Invitational this week. What a sport. Golf is the only game which allows a politician to spend all day with three hookers without having to resign in disgrace. (Argus Hamilton)

Tampa football coach Jon Gruden caddied for golfer John Daly at the PODS Championship. Gruden found out it is important on each hole to know the exact yardage. To the snack stand. (Jim Barach)

John Daly was fired Tuesday by swing coach Butch Harmon, who said Daly loves drinking more than golf. Still, he’s one of the nicest guys in the game. His fans appreciate the fact that he visits Jack Daniel’s grave every April and leaves flowers. (Argus Hamilton)

Nolan Ryan says Major League Baseball has “turned its back” on steroids. Apparently that is exactly the move that got Roger Clemens in trouble in the first place. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

The video game “Lost Odyssey” is a huge seller in stores. A character named Kaim fights tough but struggles with a loss of memory. He’s spent too much time playing video games. (Alan Ray)

CELEBRITIES

Bill Gates is no longer the world’s richest person. He has been replaced on the Forbes list of richest people by Warren Buffett. Apparently Gates is regretting that decision to start driving an SUV. (Jim Barach)

Hollywood adult movie star Mary Carey said she’s a new person after graduating from Celebrity Rehab Thursday. The rehab program is not all that strict. According to the show’s rules, drinking in Mexico doesn’t affect your American sobriety. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

The California Court of Appeals ruled Friday that parents can’t home-school their kids unless they are licensed teachers. We’re raising a generation of dictators. That’s what happens when teenage boys are allowed to elect themselves King of the Prom. (Argus Hamilton)

CULTURE

According to a new study, 70% of girls between the ages of 15 and 17 have a page on a social networking site like Myspace or Facebook. The study also reveals that 90% of those girls are 50 year old dudes trying to hit on the other 10%. (Pedro Bartes)

A report says that men who help with household chores get more sex. Especially when their wives are gone when the maid arrives. (Jim Barach)

POLLS & STUDIES

British and Australian researchers said on Thursday that you can inherit happiness, especially if you are Bill Gates’ son. (Pedro Bartes)

A survey says that students feel safer while carrying cell phones. That way, when they crash their car while texting or talking with their friends, they will have someone who can call for help for them. (Jim Barach)

A study says the cell phone is the tech tool that would be the hardest for people to give up, followed by the Internet and TV. Giving up all three would mean having to figure out a way to fill up that extra 23 hours every day. (Jim Barach)__

2 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-15-08

  1. // he read the report and was shocked to learn our tap water contains the chemical H2O. (Jay Leno)//We have something in common with the Americans.
    //An Australian study says tall women and those who have put on weight are more susceptible to skin cancer. That makes sense. The tall women are closer to the sun and the overweight women have more skin. (Jim Barach)// 🙂
    //Tehran police chief Reza Zarei resigned Tuesday after being found naked with six naked hookers in a local brothel. His job was to enforce the Islamic dress code on women. If the police had just showed up five minutes later he would have had them dressed correctly. (Argus Hamilton)// the policewallahs are behind bars for witnessing such obscenity.

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