WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-22-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Hey, anybody see the new $5 bill that just came out? The Treasury has taken steps to discourage counterfeiters, such as making it worth less than a dollar. (Jay Leno)

So, let’s see, Jim McGreevey was having three-ways. Eliot Spitzer was having sex with prostitutes. The new governor, David Paterson, was having an affair. You realize the only politician in New York not getting any sex — Hillary Clinton. (Jay Leno)

So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women’s clothes? (Jay Leno)

President Bush is urging the American public to have patience with the economy. It’s taken him seven years to mess things up this much, so he needs a little more time to finish what he started. (Jim Barach)

President Bush spoke about the war in Iraq again today. This week marks the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the war. Bush said turning back now would harm all the gains we’ve made. Like oil $100 a barrel, worthless dollar, a recession. We can’t afford to lose any of that! (Jay Leno)

On pharmaceuticals being found in the water supplies of several cities: “Drug companies now want to charge a co-pay along with everyone’s monthly water bill. (Jim Barach)

The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a request to take “In God We Trust” off the bill. The request came from God. (Jay Leno)

Colin Powell was presented with a birthday cake on the fifth anniversary of the start of the Iraq War. Candles in the shape of miniature rockets decorated the cake, and the plates bore photo reproductions of the slides he showed the U.N. proving there were weapons of mass destruction. Just as he was about to cut the cake it blew up in his face. (Scott Witt)

St. Paul, MINN — A bill is moving through the State House that will ban convicted sex offenders from using My Space and Face Book. It’s Minnesota’s effort to get sex offenders off the internet and back into airport mens rooms where they belong. (Bob Mills)

According to a new CNN poll just out today, John McCain would win the presidential election if only beer drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers voted. But here’s the interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot. (Jay Leno)

SPITZER, PATTERSON & MCGREEVEY

Embattled New York Governor Eliot Spitzer held a hastily scheduled press conference to answer charges that he patronized a prostitution ring, telling reporters, “I’ve been screwed and it’s cost me a lot.” (Andy Borowitz)

New York and New Jersey governors have been hiring hookers, having multiple affairs and participating in male- male-female three-ways. We need to put a governor on the pants of our governors. (Alex Kaseberg)

Eliot Spitzer’s call girl Ashley Dupre permitted the New York Post to publish her modeling photos on Friday. Her legal status is murky. For charging clients by the hour and screwing them she could face charges of practicing law without a license. (Argus Hamilton)

And now and not a minute too soon, there’s a quiz that you can take to tell if your spouse is cheating. Question number one: Is your spouse a governor? (David Letterman)

In divorce court, former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey claims he and his wife, Dina, engaged in a three-way with his male aide. What is with Governors? We’ve had a New York Governor who was screwing with hookers, an ex-New Jersey Governor who is screwing with a three way and a California Gov. who is screwing with our syntax. (Alex Kaseberg)

There may be a movie about the Governor of New York and the hooker scandal. What is it with politicians and scandal? We average one per month. If you’re a politician and you want to be involved in a scandal this year — you better make your reservation now — the available slots are filling up fast. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

New York Governor David Paterson was blackmailed by a former mistress wielding audiotapes Tuesday, forcing him to admit many affairs. He replaced Eliot Spitzer the day before. The first requirement of a democratic society is continuity in government. (Argus Hamilton)

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer had to resign when he was caught using a prostitute. He was caught through a money transfer. Who uses money transfers for prostitutes? That would be a tough transaction on the credit card statement to explain to the wife. (Jim Barach)

Eliot Spitzer formally resigned as governor of New York Monday because of his sex scandal. There’s a reason he hired a New York prostitute to meet him in Washington D.C. for Valentine’s Day. Congress had already booked all the Washington D.C. prostitutes. (Argus Hamilton)

A former aide to James E. McGreevey said Sunday that he had three-way sexual trysts with the former governor and his wife, usually on Fridays after dinning at T.G.I Friday’s. It gives a totally different meaning to the “Friday three for all special” they have at T.G.I. Friday’s menu. (Pedro Bartes)

New York new governor, David Paterson, told the Daily News that he and his wife had extramarital affairs. Unfortunately for Paterson, he’ll be the only politician that won’t get a Viagra endorsement because the company doesn’t want to remind its customers of Viagra’s side effects. (Pedro Bartes)

It was a little awkward, when he heard that CNN had John McCain, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in a three way tie, ex-New Jersey Gov James McGreevey asked to join in. (Alex Kaseberg)

And now on Monday, right after being sworn in, the new governor of New York, David Paterson, he announces that he cheated on his wife. I’m thinking, this guy didn’t waste any time, did he? (David Letterman)

The latest horny New York Gov., David Peterson, admitted he had affairs with a woman at a Days Inn. Apparently she was far too classy to fool around in a Seven-Eleven restroom. (Alex Kaseberg)

In New York City yesterday, David Paterson was sworn in as the new governor of New York. He is legally blind, as opposed to outgoing governor Eliot Spitzer, who is really, really short-sighted. (Jay Leno)

And I love this. On his first day, the governor admitted to having an affair. Actually, having a couple of affairs. Yeah. See, I think it’s great to combine your swearing in speech with your “I cheated on my wife” speech. That way the wife only has to stand beside you one time. Actually, his wife admitted to having an affair, too. Did you see that? Finally, a wife of a politician who doesn’t just stand there when her husband cheats. She goes out and does it, too. (Jay Leno)

And then, of course, more news on the Spitzer scandal. It was reported today that the prostitute in the Eliot Spitzer scandal also had sex with Charlie Sheen. When asked about it, Sheen said, “Hey, she’s a prostitute, I’m Charlie Sheen, it was bound to happen” (Conan O’Brien)

It was an exciting day up in Albany. At the governor’s mansion earlier today, women were outside of the governor’s mansion wearing buttons that read “Kiss me, I’m $4,000.” (David Letterman)

There are technically now so many sex scandals in New York, it’s hard for me to keep track of them. Are you having the same trouble? Every day you pick up the paper, there’s a new revelation. This is the latest. Today, it was revealed that Eliot Spitzer’s call girl, Ashley Dupre, appeared in a “Girls Gone Wild” video when she was 18. Yeah, when asked about it, Ashley said, “That was during my embarrassing pre-hooker days.” (Conan O’Brien)

That’s the other big scandal on the East Coast. A male aide to former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey says the governor’s wife should have known he was gay, because they all used to have three-way sex together. As he called it, a “McThreevey.” (Jay Leno)

New Gov. David Paterson admits he and his wife had affairs during a “rough patch” in their marriage. That’s OK with New York voters, as long as those affairs weren’t with former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey and his wife. (Jake Novak)

And the new governor of New York, David Paterson, is speaking out. Remember, he announced he had a bunch of affairs? Well, now he says he’s no longer seeing other women. But it’s a trick. He’s blind. (Jay Leno)

It’s being reported that Charlie Sheen was also a customer of the escort who brought down Gov. Eliot Spitzer. Sheen apparently was known as client number ‘two and a half.” (Patrick Gorse)

One of the women Paterson had an affair with was a state employee. He said he tried to end the affair, but since she was a state employee, there was so much paperwork involved, it was just easier to just keep banging her. (Jay Leno)

Former New Jersey Governor Jim ‘I’m a Gay American’ McGreevey, remember him? He’s going through this bitter divorce with his wife. It’s horrible. Well, now, he says that he and his ex-wife used to have threesomes with another man. I guess he is jealous of Eliot Spitzer. He wants the title of “America’s Creepiest Governor.” (Jay Leno)

The name of the escort serviced used by ex-New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was the Emperor’s Club. Now the Emperor’s Club may sound like a Chinese restaurant, but believe me, when you order #69 you don’t get beef with broccoli. (Alex Kaseberg)

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer admitted he was involved in a prostitution ring. It is now being rumored that Spitzer spent as much as $80,000 on prostitutes using money from his campaign contributors. Wow, a politician finally figured out a way to screw his constituents twice. (Alex Kaseberg)

Eliot Spitzer used to meet his prostitute, Ashley Dupree, at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington; Apparently it wasn’t just Eliot’s ancestor’s who came on the Mayflower. (Alex Kaseberg)

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer admitted he was involved in a prostitution ring and it is estimated he spent $80,000 on the prostitution ring. In fact, the only person who spent more on a ring for sex? Kobe Bryant. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE CANDIDATES

A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a “cold one.” (Conan O’Brien)

I was thinking about this today. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and what a contest for the Democratic presidential nomination. Kind of exciting, isn’t it? Hillary and Barack have a great deal in common. Both are lawyers, both are senators and neither one is sleeping with Bill Clinton. (David Letterman)

Barack Obama gave a speech about race in Philadelphia. He said black people are angry and white people are resentful and they’re staring across a chasm of misunderstanding. Until we all learn Spanish that’s the way it’s going to be. (Argus Hamilton)

Despite trailing in the popular vote and in pledged delegates, as spring approaches Hillary Clinton still appears sure she can win it all. Well, she did grow up a Cubs fan. (Janice Hough)

It’s been reported that Barack Obama’s Secret Service name is Renegade, and Hillary Clinton’s Secret Service name is Evergreen. Meanwhile, John McCain’s Secret Service name is Enlarged Prostate. (Conan O’Brien)

A huge turnout is expected when John McCain holds his recently-announced $1,000-a-plate fund-raising dinner in London. That’s not because he’s so popular with the Brits, it’s just that the low value of the dollar means Londoners who pay in pounds will get a four-course meal for less than the cost of a Big Mac. (Scott Witt)

John McCain’s campaign website put up an NCAA tournament bracket contest for prizes Monday. He’s opened up a gambling site during Holy Week. He couldn’t be taking the evangelical vote any more for granted if he were offering online evolution classes. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama distanced himself from his pastor Jeremiah Wright Tuesday. The clergyman has given bitterly anti-American sermons, recorded on videotape. Jeremiah Wright is the only Church of Christ minister whose portrait is hanging in every cave in Afghanistan. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama apparently trying to distance himself from his church. And today, Mitt Romney said, “Hey, good luck with that. Let me know how that works out.” -(Jay Leno)

It’s
Two contract employees of the State Department were fired and a third person was disciplined for accessing passport records of Sen. Barack Obama. They claimed that they wanted to see the countries Obama visited to know how far away Obama had distanced himself from reverend Wright. (Pedro Bartes)

During a speech in Jordan, John McCain confused Al Qaeda forces and Shiite extremists in Iraq. Bush told him not to worry, after all he and Cheney confused Iraq for Iran before they started the war. (Pedro Bartes)

According to the latest polls out today, John McCain now in a double digit lead over the Democrats. To give you an idea how far McCain is ahead in the polls, today, Hillary offered him the vice presidency (Jay Leno)

How about that John McCain, ladies and gentlemen? Do you like John McCain? John McCain recently said that he supports George Bush’s Iraq policy. I said, well, sure, slice me eight more years of that, will ya? (David Letterman)

Well, we have former presidential candidate John Edwards on the show tonight. He ran a terrific campaign. His No. 1 issue, of course, was the poor and those who live in poverty. Or, as we call them now, Bear Sterns stockholders. (Jay Leno)

Today, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for mistakenly saying that Iran was sending aid to al Qaeda in Iraq, which is not true. And afterwards, President Bush told McCain, “Don’t worry about it. I didn’t know that either.” (Jay Leno)

Yesterday, Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his pastor. (Jay Leno)

Today, Barack Obama addressed some of the more controversial comments made by his long-time minister, Jeremiah Wright. The guy said some crazy stuff, like, gays caused 9/11, Hurricane Katrina was God’s revenge for our sins. Oh, I’m sorry. That’s Pat Robertson. That’s the other side’s nutball minister. I’m sorry. You know, there’s so many nutball ministers in this thing, I’m confused as to which one is on which side. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Today marks the five-year anniversary of the war in Iraq, and President Bush said his decision to invade was “remarkably effective.” Yeah, that’s why we’re still there after five years. Happy Anniversary! (Jay Leno)

On the fifth anniversary of the war in Iraq, President Bush says the war has been worth it. If you don’t agree with him, just ask Halliburton. (Jim Barach)

President Bush sent Vice President Cheney to the Middle East to rein in oil prices. That’s like sending Paris Hilton to promote celibacy. (Jim Barach)

President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery. (Jay Leno)

President Bush’s approval rating hit an all-time low 31 %. In other words, only 31% approve of the job Bush is doing. Which is pretty bad when you consider 35% think Donald Trump’s hair is real. (Alex Kaseberg)

VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY

Vice President Dick Cheney spent two nights in Iraq this week. Apparently, it was part of the Iraq vacation package special: If you survive the first night, you get the second one for free. (Pedro Bartes)

Vice President Dick Cheney is visiting the Middle East. He’ll ask the Saudi Arabia oil dudes to lower their prices. Then the Saudi Arabia oil dudes will give Dick sneering lessons. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Vice Presdient Dick Cheney, visiting in Baghdad, said Monday the U. S. must stay in Iraq. Cheney, unfortunately, couldn’t stay. He had to get back to make sure the commander-in-chief doesn’t try to help McCain. (Joe Hickman)

Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer and they just go crazy. And in that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia. (David Letterman)

THE CONGRESS

A Democratic congressman from Michigan, John Dingell, wants to add an additional 50-cent tax on every gallon of gas. How many think that will reduce the demand for gas? How many think it would reduce our demand for morons in Congress? (Jay Leno)

THE COURTS

The U. S. Supreme Court appears ready to rule that Americans have a constitutional right to keep guns in their homes for self-defense. It is a tricky ruling though, because by the time they pass it, nobody in America will own a home. (Pedro Bartes)

LOCAL NEWS

A 77-year-old Florida woman is suing the city of Tampa for $22.7 million, the amount of an unpaid $300 loan her great-grandmother made to the city during the Civil War, with a compounded interest rate of 8 percent. The woman still hold’s the city’s promissory note dated June 21, 1861. It turns out the city may not have to pay. Today John McCain said that Gen. Robert E. Lee gave him the $300 to give back to the lady, and it completely slipped his mind. (Patrick Gorse)

Las Vegas bus tours began showing homes and hangouts of the mobsters who built the strip fifty years ago. It was a risky venture. The hotels lost a lot of money at blackjack because in those days the Los Angeles schools taught people how to count. (Argus Hamilton)

A huge construction crane toppled over in New York City. That’s the last time they let new legally-blind governor David Paterson drive the executive limo. (Patrick Gorse)

Eastpointe, MICH — Someone stole a $3000, six-foot costume shaped like a pint of Guinness stout from a beer distributor who used it for promotion. Police immediately set up roadblocks since it’s considered a DUI to drive while dressed as a beer. (Bob Mills)

Honolulu, HA — People camping in the city’s Iweli District have been given 24 hours to pack up and leave. Five-O officers are unsure if the area is a camp for the homeless or just an extended luau. (Bob Mills)

Ormond Beach, FLA — A thief made off with police chief Michael Longfellow’s gun, bullet proof vest and handcuffs that he left in his car. At least that’s what he told the mayor who spotted him replacing the cuffs at the Chez Paree Sex Shop on Key Largo Street. (Bob Mills)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Corsicana, TX — Sheriff’s deputies charged over 200 people with gambling at a clandestine cockfighting arena that featured bleacher seating, overhead lighting and a concession stand selling hot wings from some of the losers. (Bob Mills)

Macon, Miss — DNA evidence has exonerated Levon Brooks who has served 18 years on a murder conviction. Levon is lucky. If he was convicted in Texas, he’d have been dead for 17 1⁄2 years. (Bob Mills)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Former Fed Chief Alan Greenspan says the U.S. is in the worst financial mess since World War II. President Bush says he will fix that by getting us into World War III. (Jim Barach)

The Fed cut interest rates by three-quarters of a point which means the rich guy who ends up buying your foreclosed house is going to get a great deal. (Jake Novak)

The new, more colorful $5 Bill debuts this week. The changes were made to thwart counterfeiters. The question is, who counterfeits U. S. money? (Jim Barach)

The IRS says the tax rebate checks should be in the mail by May. So all Americans will have to make sure they have a forwarding address since most of their homes will be foreclosed by then. (Jake Novak)

Interesting fact came out today on the new $5 bill. It turns out it used to be the old $10 bill. (Jay Leno)

I mentioned earlier this week, in Hawaii, the price of gas, over $4 a gallon. Man. Once again, I think President Bush is a little confused. When he heard about this he said, “You know, I’m more concerned about the price of gasoline here in America. (Jay Leno)

“Even President Bush starting to get worried about this economy being out of control, you know. I mean, gold is over $1,000 an ounce. Oil, $1,100 a barrel. Hookers, $5,000 an hour. (Jay Leno)

New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil reach a new high of a hundred ten dollars a barrel Thursday. It caused gasoline to hit four dollars a gallon on each coast. If gas gets any more expensive we’re going to have to book our fill-ups through a pimp. (Argus Hamilton)

The Dow Jones average soared four hundred twenty points Tuesday as the Federal Reserve moved to cheapen the dollar further by lowering interest rates. It didn’t help gas prices. The Arabs are not impressed with America’s new paper-for-oil program. (Argus Hamilton)

But President Bush is concerned about the economy. He admitted today that the economy is a little sluggish, a little sluggish right now. The same way Elvis is a little sluggish right now, too. Elvis can’t come out, he’s a little sluggish. (David Letterman)

The Wall Street Journal reported gold prices are so high that gold prospectors have returned to California rivers and creeks. They stand knee-deep and pan for gold. The Bear Stearns employees had no idea that alligator shoes were not waterproof. (Argus Hamilton)

SPACE & NASA

NASA’s Langley Research Center is designing a parachute system that will whisk space shuttle crews to safety in the event of a problem on the launch pad. Like, for instance, a jilted lover suddenly attacks her successful rival and — nah, too farfetched. (Bob Mills)

IRAQ & IRAN

The war in Iraq is now 5 years-old. Fortunately for the war, Bush and Cheney are working on getting it another little brother called Iran. (Pedro Bartes)

HEALTH & SCIENCE

Eggs are high in cholesterol. Chocolate is fattening. At Easter, about the only healthy thing to eat is the Easter Bunny. (Joe Hickman)

95% of Lasik eye surgery patients say they are satisfied with their new vision. Until they realize they can actually read the eye surgeon’s bill. (Jim Barach)

According to a new study by scientists at Clemson University, almost 3,000 bacteria are transferred every time you double-dip something. More bad news for New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey. (Jay Leno)

Research says that some ingredients in beer can fight cancer. It was immediately hailed by men as the greatest scientific discovery in history. The research had more volunteers for any laboratory testing since the announcement of Viagra. Men are now telling their wives that instead of watching football, they are “fighting cancer”. (Jim Barach)

Research shows that Human Growth Hormone offers no benefits to athletes. Unless for some reason anyone would actually want to have a head the size of Barry Bonds. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

San Francisco filed charges Monday against the oil tanker pilot who spilled eighty thousand gallons in the bay last month. It was an environmental catastrophe. So many prospectors swam into the bay to pan for oil that the sewage caused a major fish kill. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

The New York Knicks and the New Jersey Nets are last and second to last in their division, respectively; in fact, the Knicks and the Nets are the only things in New York and New Jersey that suck without a Governor being involved. (Alex Kaseberg)

March Madness begins. For a player, making it to the Final Four is a once in a lifetime experience. It’s much like going to class. (Alan Ray)

Maybe everything’s getting too political. Like, when my Dad heard somebody talking about March Madness, he was sure America had marched into Iran. Fired off a nasty letter to Cheney. (Joe Hickman)

March Madness begins in college basketball. A stellar performance by a standout player can mean big, big money down the road. Alumni tend to pay real well. (Alan Ray)

Are you all ready for March Madness? Well, you know how it works. You start with 64. That goes down to 32, then 16, then 8, then 4, then 2, until there’s just one left. You know, not teams of the NCAA. You know, brokerage houses on Wall Street. (Jay Leno)

Stanford faces Cornell in the first round of the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament. Can you imagine the trash taking in the Stanford-Cornell game? “Your Matriarch is so unintelligent she can only abbreviate Pi to the fifth number.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Vero Beach, FLA — Thirteen of the thirty major league baseball teams now offer fans all-you-can-eat bleacher seats. The LA Dodgers offer a salad bar hosted by Tommy Lasorda. (Bob Mills)

Tiger Woods sank a long putt Sunday to win the Arnold Palmer. He was so pumped up when the putt fell, he hurled his hat to the ground. No one would ever say he’s on steroids but they’re still digging to try to get the brim of the hat out of the ground. (Argus Hamilton)

The Los Angeles Dodgers and San Diego Padres played the first ballgame in China Sunday. They were sent for the same reason Southern California soldiers were chosen to lead the invasion of Iraq when Saddam was believed to have poison gas. We can breathe anything (Argus Hamilton)

You either have March Madness or you don’t. When I found out Davidson upset Gonzaga, I told a guy in our office; “Oh, shoot, I have Gonzaga in the semis.” He said; “That’s what happens when you don’t wear a condom.” (Alex Kaseberg)

ENTERTAINMENT

I’ve been watching that John Adams miniseries on HBO. You seen this? Boy, it’s really good. You know, it’s fun to see all the Founding Fathers. They’re all in it. John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John McCain (Jay Leno)

CELEBRITIES

Billy Crystal signed a one-day contract with the New York Yankees for a spring training game with Pittsburgh Thursday. The comic is a great mimic. In the first inning he performed his new Eliot Spitzer impersonation by scoring and then resigning. (Argus Hamilton)

And Elton John announced this week he’s gonna sing at a big fundraiser for Hillary Clinton next month. Is that a good idea? Hillary and Elton on the stage? Let’s hope they don’t show up wearing the same pantsuit. (Jay Leno)

Warren Buffett will play himself on All My Children in May. He visits Erica in prison and tells her how to get out of an insider trading conviction. They write these scripts so far ahead of time that people were making money in the stock market. (Argus Hamilton)

Star Jones and Al Reynolds are getting divorced. You know the difference between Al and Star’s marriage versus their divorce? Star Jones is going to get screwed in the divorce. (Alex Kaseberg)

Dr. Jack Kevorkian says he is going to run for congress in Michigan. Who better to represent the auto industry that has been committing industrial suicide for the past thirty years? (Jim Barach)

Many experts say the $48 mil settlement Heather Mills received from Paul McCartney was the minimum since she requested $250 million. By firing her lawyers, Mills was trying to prove she was not a greedy gold digger. In sad irony, it turns out her defense didn’t have a leg to stand on. (Alex Kaseberg)

It cost Paul McCartney much more per day than Eliot Spitzer paid. Eliot handed over a mere $5,000 per session compared to the $33,287 per night that Paul was court-ordered to pay his ex-wife for their four-years of sharing a bed. (Scott Witt)

After receiving $50 million divorce settlement from fan Paul McCartney, the one-legged “Dancing with the Stars” Heather Mills was so furious, she was hopping mad. (Alex Kaseberg)

Heather Mills was awarded forty-nine million dollars for her divorce from Paul McCartney, which came out to fourteen hundred an hour for their four-year marriage. The decision was easy for the judge. He simply called New York and got the going rate. (Argus Hamilton)

RELIGION

The Dalai Lama is in the news. The Dalai Lama is threatening to resign from his position as the spiritual leader of Tibet. When asked why, the Dalai Lama said, “I promised myself I’d quit the moment it stopped being fun.” (Conan O’Brien)

Princess Diana’s butler Paul Burrell was accused during the Princess Diana inquest of stealing the engagement ring off her finger after she died. No one can believe it. It only took Eliot Spitzer a week to move up to second-lowest man on this planet. (Argus Hamilton)

CULTURE

They now have a blow-up sex doll that looks like Paris Hilton. Sexually transmitted disease sold separately. (Alex Kaseberg)

People have stopped playing Monopoly because the rules are outdated. When you get in over your head in real estate, Monopoly doesn’t have the government bail you out. (Scott Witt)

According to a therapist, the best time of the day for a woman to reach an orgasm is between 1:00 P.M. and 5:00 P.M. I feel bad for my wife, because I am still working at that time and she has to work hard at home dealing with the daily chores like receiving the mail, the pool boy, the milkma (Pedro Bartes)

In Kansas, the boyfriend of a woman who was stuck on a toilet for two years has been charged with abuse. Guys, see what can happen when you don’t put the toilet seat back down? (Alex Kaseberg)

HISTORY

This week marks the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war and the third anniversary of “Mission Accomplished.” Remember critics saying, oh, the war was just about oil so we could keep the price of gasoline cheap? That worked out well, didn’t it? Now we’re the ones with shock and awe. (Jay Leno)

Virginia City, NV — Members of the local historical reenactment group who perform for tourists must not carry loaded weapons or consume alcoholic beverages during shows. Except, of course, the guy playing Ulysses S. Grant. (Bob Mills)

HOLIDAYS

St. Patrick’s Day, of course, is the day we celebrate St. Patrick, who drove the snakes from Ireland. Ironically, it also marks the day a hooker drove a governor from office. (Jay Leno)

New York holds its St. Patrick’s Day Parade today with a million Irish marching along Fifth Avenue. It could be the merriest celebration in parade history. This year even people who don’t drink get a prescription drug high from the drinking water. (Argus Hamilton)

And what’s going on with Geraldine Ferraro? Did you hear what she said today? She said today, “The leprechaun wouldn’t be in the position he’s in if he wasn’t green.” (Jay Leno)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Nike is still having labor problems in China. They aren’t sure how they can stay in business selling $200 pairs of shoes if they are going to have to pay foreign laborers as much as 43 cents a day. (Jim Barach)

West Hollywood, CA — The Hadaka Japanese Restaurant will serve sushi at private parties on a naked woman for an extra $1500. They also offer the “Spitzer Sampler” for $80,000. (Bob Mills)

The Hallmark meatpacking plant that caused the biggest meat recall in U.S. history may shut down. But its defenders say Hallmark lived up to the slogan, “When you care enough to send the very wurst.” (Scott Witt)

Las Vegas, NV — Israeli billionaire Yitzhak Tshuva has gotten the green light to build a $6 billion casino on the Strip. “Moses Palace” will include a hotel, a showroom and a wailing wall for the losers. (Bob Mills)

How about Bear Stearns? … A year ago, it was trading at $160 a share. Yesterday, $2 a share. Collapsed faster than the Roger Clemens Hall of Fame chances. (Jay Leno)

POLLS & STUDIES

According to results of a recent CNN poll, 7 out of 10 Americans think government spending on the war in Iraq is partly responsible for the economic troubles in the United States. The other 3 Americans work for Halliburton. (Pedro Bartes)

One response to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-22-08

  1. Pingback: WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-22-08 | Easy Eye Surgery

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s