WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-29-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

President Bush says it would be a mistake for OPEC not to increase oil output. Americans are all ears. President Bush knows nothing about the world, the economy or the environment, but nobody questions his expertise in the area of mistakes. (Author Unknown)

I’m a little upset. You know, Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our first guest tonight, but she got pinned down by sniper fire and was not able to come in. (Jay Leno)

On the controversy involving Barack Obama and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright: The thing is, Republicans, of course, don’t allow dangerous religious freaks to advise their campaigns. They nominate them. (Bill Maher)

After Pope Benedict XVI prayed for peace on Easter Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney requested equal time for war. (Andy Borowitz)

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was charged with perjury and misconduct stemming from a sex scandal. Kilpatrick’s political future in Detroit is bleak, but his chances of becoming the next governor of New York are excellent (Alex Kaseberg)

Hillary Clinton says we “cannot win” the war in Iraq. And if anyone knows about not being able to win, it is a Democrat. (Jim Barach)

Former Fed chief Alan Greenspan says the U.S. is in the worst financial mess since World War II. President Bush says he will fix that by getting us into World War III. (Jim Barach)

The U.S. Defense Department accidentally shipped ballistic missile components to Taiwan, the Pentagon said Tuesday. Taiwan is offering to either send them back, or just start making them there for the U.S. for a tenth of the price. (Jake Novak)

March Madness costs U.S. business $1.7 Billion. Mostly all those porn sites that don’t get accessed at work while people are filling out their NCAA brackets. (Jim Barach)


THE CANDIDATES

Hillary Rodham Clinton’s campaign said she “misspoke” last week when she said she had landed under sniper fire during a trip she took as first lady to Bosnia in March 1996. It wasn’t Bosnia, it was actually Detroit. (Pedro Bartes)

No, Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action. (Jay Leno)

Poor Hillary Clinton. It’s not like she wasn’t taking flak before this bogus sniper story. Now she’s taking flak for not taking flak (Patrick Gorse)

Defending his wife against charges that she had yet again fabricated her exploits while First Lady, former President Bill Clinton told CNN’s John King that “Democratic voters have a clear choice this election: do they want a liar or a plagiarist? Hillary tells some real whoppers, but at least they’re original.” (Andy Borowitz)

Pundit James Carville called New Mexico Gov. and Clinton intimate Bill Richardson’s Easter-week endorsement of Barack Obama an ‘act of betrayal,’ comparing the timing of the announcement to Judas selling out ‘for 30 pieces of silver.’ Actually, Richardson got 30 gallons of gas. (Patrick Gorse)

Barack Obama admitted in his speech Tuesday he could no more disavow Reverend Jeremiah Wright than he could his own grandmother. He said the minister led him to Christ, conducted his wedding and baptized his girls. When a man is that close to your family, you are not going to let a little stay in Guantanamo come between you. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama is spending a couple of days in the Virgin Islands with his family. Fox News could not miss the chance to stain his reputation: Fox & Friends said that after an explosive week Obama had a deserving vacation with the 72 Virgin Islands. (Pedro Bartes)

PRESIDENT BUSH

On the fifth anniversary of the war in Iraq, President Bush says the war has been worth it. If you don’t agree with him, just ask Halliburton. (Jim Barach)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Big controversy after State Department officials looked at passport files for the three major candidates. Turns out they got ahold of John McCain’s Social Security number. Know what it is? Three. (Jay Leno)

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice personally phoned the presidential candidates Hillary Rodham Clinton, John McCain and Barack Obama to apologize after the department confirmed the passport files had been compromised. Unfortunately, she called them at 3 AM in the morning and nobody answered. (Pedro Bartes)

THE DEMOCRATS

And it’s getting worse and worse for Governor Spitzer. Now, a Brazilian madam has come forward to say that Eliot Spitzer paid her to watch other couples have sex. You know, this whole thing could’ve been avoided if you put a peep hole in the lieutenant governor’s office. That way, he could’ve watched David Paterson have his affairs and saved five grand an hour. (Jay Leno)

THE REPUBLICANS

And Larry Craig did not file for re-election by the deadline. He legally cannot run for office again. How about that? Ironically, you know why Larry Craig missed the filing deadline? He was in the men’s room. (Jay Leno)

THE COURTS

The Indiana Solicitor General is asking the U.S. Supreme Court to bar mentally confused and incoherent defendants from representing themselves. of course, the only brain damaged people that should be allowed in court are the lawyers. (Jake Novak)

LOCAL NEWS

A keeper at the National Zoo in Washington DC was clawed by their normally docile panda cub, Tai Shan. Animal behaviorists are trying to determine why the fit hit the Shan. (Bob Mills)

In Seattle, city fathers are considering a proposal to remove five coin-operated restroom kiosks that critics claim are favorite meeting spots for prostitutes, drug dealers and Larry Craig. (Bob Mills)

The mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been charged with perjury after he got caught sending his chief of staff text messages about having sex. Yeah. He’s also being investigated for having strippers at the mayor’s mansion. They’re calling this the worst thing to come out of Detroit since the Ford Pinto. (Jay Leno)

San Francisco filed criminal charges against a tanker captain who spilled tons of oil in the bay last month. It poisoned the fish. It’s a shame it didn’t happen in a lake or a river where there are enough pharmaceuticals in the water to cure anything. (Argus Hamilton)

Wichita, KA — Officials at the Mid-Continent Airport withdrew permission for a movie company to film scenes there after the director and several members of the crew disrobed and began dancing naked. Oh, oh. Looks like Mel Gibson is back on the sauce. (Bob Mills)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A 93-year-old Florida man has been charged with soliciting sex from a female undercover officer. The police were working on a second charge: assault with a “dead” weapon. (Pedro Bartes)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

This morning, President Bush gave an optimistic speech about the economy even though the dollar fell even more, oil hit record highs, and jobs continued to be lost. So when asked what part of the economy is working, Bush said, “Hookers are doing well.” (Conan O’Brien)

The Gallup Poll said Thursday the economy is the number-one issue with voters. Gas is four dollars a gallon, hotel rooms are two hundred a night and hookers four thousand an hour. A lot of guys are refusing to get married because they can’t afford the adultery. (Argus Hamilton)

Wall Street is in turmoil these days. How can you spot a senior broker at Merrill Lynch? He gets his own private window ledge. (Alan Ray)

THE MILITARY

The former commander of the U.S. 6th Fleet has been fired for providing “false and misleading” information to the Department of Defense. Of course, the only people who can legally give the Pentagon bad information work for the CIA. (Jake Novak)

The Pentagon mistakenly sent four Patriot Missile tips to Taiwan instead of the helicopter batteries that were ordered. It’s unknown whether the technology was copied, but within 12 hours, vendors on the streets of Manhattan were hawking Patriot Missile tip knockoffs with “Gucci” stamped on the side. (Bob Mills)

IRAQ

Iraq will launch its own stock exchange this week. It is expected to be very volatile. (Pedro Bartes)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

The mayor of the small French village of Sarpourenx has forbidden its residents from dying as there is no more room in the town’s overcrowded cemetery for any more burials. “All persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish,” read the proclamation, which promised that “offenders will be severely punished. (Reuters)

HEALTH & SCIENCE

As if we don’t have enough problems. Fifteen different prescription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to God, you need a doctor’s prescription to turn on the faucet. (David Letterman)

A new study shows that spending hours on a cell phone may affect the quality of one’s sperm, raising hopes that hedge fund managers may have trouble reproducing. (Andy Borowitz)

SPORTS

John Daly has willed his entire body to science and he’s preserving it in alcohol until they need it. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Here’s some news from Hollywood. You know Pamela Anderson? Well, she recently had her marriage annulled. … Her marriage lasted two months. I mean, honest to God, she goes through husbands like New York goes through governors. (David Letterman)

Peter O’Toole did interviews in New York Friday to publicize Showtime’s season opener of The Tudors. The legendary drinker and womanizer will play the pope. He’s really tired of people saying all the characters he plays are an extension of himself. (Argus Hamilton)

In an interview on Israeli TV, Scarlett Johansson said she considers herself Jewish… something she may have just said to get Woody Allen to stop hitting on her. (Jake Novak)

Britney Spears has been ordered to pay Kevin Federline $375,000 for lawyer fees. It’s still too early to tell what drove her crazy, being married to Federline or going through the divorce. (Jim Barach)

Sixteen year old Jamie Lynn Spears is reportedly engaged to beau Casey Aldridge. Their wedding will have the traditional symbols. The “something blue” will be her EPT results. (Alan Ray)

Dawn Wells, the actress who plays Mary Ann on ‘Gilligan’s Island’ was arrested after sheriff’s deputies saw her swerving. They pulled her over and found some half-smoked joints and a bong… made out of a coconut, I think. (Craig Ferguson)

RELIGION

Church of Christ members reminded the media Tuesday that Barack Obama’s pastor represents the far more liberal United Church of Christ. The Church of Christ is evangelical and conservative. They define marriage as a union between two Republicans. (Argus Hamilton)

HISTORY

The first ever recorded sound from 1860 was just discovered. It starts with “My Friends…” a McCain speech at the 1860 Republican National Convention. (Pedro Bartes)

One response to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-29-08

  1. i listened to the jay leno comments on tv. pretty funny 😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s