The last week has been pretty pathetic.
I have been suffering, the last few days, from some evil disease. My differential diagnosis is bird flu, lung cancer, or pneumoconiosis.
I have been having fever, severe malaise, a voice like an asphyxiated bullfrog and a dry hacking cough that threatens to dislocate my testicles to my frontal cortex with every attempt at clearing my lungs. So what else could I be suffering from?
The common cold, you say? Poo-bah! Would I have such depressingly ordinary problems, ever?
Would you not have been disappointed to learn that Amitabh Bachchan had been hospitalised because of worms in his intestines? That he had jejunal diverticula that perforated and nearly killed him created a tense drama that enriched his enduring image as a timeless Indian superstar. Leander Paes, India’s tennis star, had neurocysticercosis, and not just a bad headache. Even Elsa, the lion of ‘Born Free’, died of an exotic African infectious disease called babesiosis.
In short, great people should not die of ordinary, plebeian, diseases. They surely deserve exotic bugs.
What disease would you have? I am sure you would all want to die in your sleep, without a single moment of suffering. In addition to the fact that you may have spent not one moment of your lives investing on your health!
In the midst of all my personal misery, last night, I get a call at 10 PM, when I am generally found sleeping tighter than a baby’s ass.
Me (hoarse and grumpy): “Yes?”
Man: “Good evening, doctor, you operated on my wife six weeks back…”
Me: “Thanks for informing me about that. She is still alive, you mean?”
Man: “Very well she is, Saar. She hasn’t taken a bath since then. So I just wanted to ask you when she can do it…”
If I had a moustache, it would have bristled in indignance. My nasal vibrissae took the onus of bristling, instead.
Me: “Well, since she has managed to last six weeks without taking a bath, why bother anymore? She will, surely, manage the rest of her life like this!”
Man: “Hahahaha! So, Saar, when can she take a bath?”
Me: “After you visit the ENT to clear up your clogged sinuses.”