WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-05-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Boy, there is nothing but disasters in the news. It’s unbelievable. Floods in the Midwest, fires in Texas, the Democratic Party — it’s just unbelievable. To give you an idea how bad the Democrats are doing, in a stunning reversal, John McCain now 10% ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7% ahead of Barack Obama. And this is after Iraq, a recession, and no health care. Imagine how far ahead he’d be if the Republicans had actually done something. (Jay Leno)

Spring is finally here! Spring, when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love, and Eliot Spitzer turns to the Yellow Pages. (Bill Maher)

President Bush told reporters that he practiced all week to throw the first pitch at the Washington Nationals season opener. It is good to know that the booming economy and the peaceful situation in Iraq allow our president to take time off his schedule to do stuff like that. (Pedro Bartes)

According to the latest issue of Newsweek, they are reporting that in Iraq, Shiites are turning on their own supporters. They’re attacking their own people. You know what that means, the Shiites are really hitting the fans. (Jay Leno)

Fred Thompson announced that he is getting back into acting. That is if the actors can get past Fred’s consorting with those immoral drug and whoring-around politicians and live the clean and moral life of Hollywood. (Alex Kaseberg)

It’s a great day for Mariah Carey. She broke Elvis’ record for the most No. 1 hits. Her publicist said she’s bigger than Elvis. They might want to rephrase that. (Craig Ferguson)

Al Gore was suggested Friday as a compromise candidate for the Democratic Party presidential nomination. As inventor of the Internet, he’s responsible for online prostitution, online porno, online gambling and male enhancement pills delivered to your door. There’s not an American alive whose life he hasn’t touched in some tragic way. (Argus Hamilton)

An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that’s not fair. Here’s a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad’s money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That’s not a moron, that’s genius! (Jay Leno)

SEX & DRUGS

It has happened again. The husband of Democratic U.S. Senator Deborah Stabenow from Michigan has admitted he paid a prostitute he met on the Internet $150 for sex at a hotel room. He could end up serving four years as governor of New York. (Jay Leno)

The husband of U.S. Senator Debbie Stabenow told police he paid a prostitute $150 for sex at a hotel, according to a police report. The senator was really embarrassed, you know how bad she looks in front of other politician’s wives that her husband only paid $150 for a prostitute. (Pedro Bartes)

Many observers have wondered why Eliot Spitzer needed the services of a hooker. It should be obvious she is is a Spitzer not a swallower. (Al Gregory)

Here’s a sure sign that it’s spring time in New York City. This weekend Eliot Spitzer spent the entire weekend with a girl named Robin. (Jay Leno)

Former New York Gov. Eliot “Keep the change” Spitzer is in a rehab facility that treats sex addicts. I don’t think it’s working, Spitzer told a friend it was a great place to meet hot and horny chicks. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Saturday Night Live skit that depicted Eliot Spitzer embarking on a new career as a sleazy sex-crime defense lawyer could have been even more demeaning. The show might have portrayed him as Barack Obama’s new pastor, Ralph Nader’s vice presidential running mate, or Hillary Clinton’s next husband.. (Scott Witt)

New York’s new governor, David Paterson, he made history this week. He’s black, he’s blind and he’s hornier than the last guy. He hadn’t taken his hand off the Bible when they swore him in before he admitted to having multiple affairs. See, this is what women don’t get about the male sex drive. He was blind and he still wanted to see other people. (Bill Maher)

THE CANDIDATES

A new CNN poll just came out about the campaign. Interesting results. … A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. Yeah, after hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, “How much wine have they had?” (Conan O’Brien)

While campaigning in Pennsylvania yesterday, Barack Obama told an eight-year-old boy if he wants to be president, he should work hard in school, get good grades and find a job that helps people. To which President Bush said, “That’s an April Fool’s joke, right?” (Jay Leno)

Air America host Randi Rhodes was suspended for calling Hillary Clinton a whore in a recent appearance. Hillary ignored the comments and said that if she was truly a whore all the superdelagates would vote for her. (Pedro Bartes)

On Barack Obama bowling a 37 out of 300 while campaigning in Pennsylvania: Wouldn’t it be great if all of the candidates went bowling, so they can see what it feels to be in other people’s shoes? (Pedro Bartes)

In a speech to union leaders yesterday, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa and I think she’s right on with that comparison because people seem to forget — Rocky lost to a good-looking black guy. (Jimmy Kimmel)

In a stunning announcement, Pennsylvania Sen. Bob Casey Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, has endorsed Barack Obama. He said he did it because his four young daughters told him they wanted Obama for president. Which also explains his choice for vice president: Hannah Montana. (Jay Leno)

John McCain is looking for a vice presidential running mate. He needs a guy who is conservative, who understands the economy, and who knows how to operate a defibrillator. (David Letterman)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush winds up his final NATO summit. Roll calls at those meeting often threw the Dubya. When the moderator would say “Hungary”, he answered “yes, I am.” (Alan Ray)

President Bush’s approval rating has reached a record low — 31%. Wow. His popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Rodham Clinton’s struggling presidential campaign owes $292,000 in unpaid health insurance premiums for her campaign staff. Hillary justified it by saying that her staff is not the one under sniper fire. (Pedro Bartes)

THE REPUBLICANS

Colin Powell was presented with a birthday cake on the fifth anniversary of the start of the Iraq War. Candles in the shape of miniature rockets decorated the cake, and the plates bore photo reproductions of the slides he showed the U.N. proving there were weapons of mass destruction. Just as he was about to cut the cake it blew up in his face. (Scott Witt)

THE CONGRESS

The U. S. Senate will vote today on whether to rename Ellis Island’s library the Bob Hope Library. Before he died he donated all his radio and television monologues to the Smithsonian. Over the years only the voters have sent more jokes to Washington. (Argus Hamilton)

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell is putting together a special task force to stop wasteful government spending and earmarks. Assembling the task force is expected to cost taxpayers about $15 billion. (Jake Novak)

The Pig Book was released by Citizens Against Government Waste on Tuesday, exposing pork spending by Congress. Voters are used to it. When most Americans see pictures of the Taj Mahal they just assume that Taj Mahal was Alaska’s first senator. (Argus Hamilton)

Dr. Jack Kevorkian says he is going to run for congress in Michigan. Having Dr. Kevorkian in congress will be good, if for nothing else to make sure the other congressmen don’t doze off while he’s around. (Jim Barach)

Jack Kevorkian, remember him? The old suicide doctor. 79-years-old, planning to run for Congress. Run for Congress? Wow, talk about a politician with a lot of skeletons in his closet. (Jay Leno)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Atlanta, GA — Former pro wrestler Harrison “Hard Body” Norris was sentenced to life in prison after being convicted of conducting a prostitution ring under guise of a female wrestlers training camp. He’d have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn’t named it after Eliot Spitzer. (Bob Mills)

Minden, NV — Michael King, 21, pleaded guilty to a charge of indecent exposure after he streaked past performing cheerleaders at a Douglas High football team. The cheerleaders asked the prosecutor to include a charge of assault with a dead weapon. (Bob Mills)

Winter Park, FL — Jack Aldrich, 46, director of Musical Ministries at First United Methodist Church, was relieved of his duties after soliciting sex on line from a 15 year old. He told police he was just attempting to fill a vacancy in the soprano section. (Bob Mills)

TERRORISM

Anyway, critics are pouring over Osama bin Laden’s latest audio tape. Simon called it pretentious. Paula said it was not his best work. And Randy said, “Dog, it’s just not working for me.” (Jay Leno)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke speaking before Congress warned we may be headed towards a recession. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Let me guess, the real estate market not looking too good either. (Jay Leno)

If I’m paying four bucks a gallon for gas, that TV in the pump has to show porn. This way, I’m not the only one at the pump taking it in the ass. (Bill Maher)

A record number of Americans are on Food Stamps. Nearly one in ten of all Americans are getting government assistance for food. Forget the Food Stamps. When are they going to start offering “Gas Stamps?” (Jim Barach)

Trustees of Social Security and Medicare say that Social Security will run out of money by 2041 and Medicare by 2019. President Bush says that’s OK, because the U.S. will be broke by October. (Jim Barach)

The Truckers Union protests high gas prices today by calling for a speed limit reduction. It’s not needed in California. Traffic on the San Diego Freeway is so slow that illegal immigrants walking over the border make better time to Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

Even as the economy slows, prices for prescription drugs are rising steadily… this is mostly because of the greater demand for drugs that help people forget about the economy. (Jake Novak)

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but our economy is struggling right now. The chairman of the Federal Reserve testified in front of the Senate Banking Committee today. He says we may be headed towards a recession this year, and the only way we can avoid it is to put a trillion dollars on North Carolina to win the NCAA tournament. (Jimmy Kimmel)

CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

Yale published a study Tuesday saying that overweight people are discriminated against. Only Mississippi bans discrimination against fat people. When they widened the school doors forty years ago most people just assumed they were doing it for race. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ

In Iraq it is reported that sects of Shiites are attacking other Shiites, at least according to one of the sect’s leaders, or, as he is also known, a real Shiite head. (Alex Kaseberg)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

The Olympic torch has arrived in Beijing. It will be taken all across China, where it will be used to set protesters on fire. (Jake Novak)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Have you seen the nude pictures of France President Nicolas Sarkozy’s new wife, Carla Bruni? They are so sexy the Germans are thinking seriously of invading France again. (Alex Kaseberg)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

President Bush was in Bucharest for his last NATO summit. He tried to compliment the people of Romania by saying, “I really enjoy your lettuce.” (Alan Ray)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Tokyo scientists announced Monday they are able to reverse the effects of cirrhosis of the liver. That’s great news. Now if they can just find a way to reverse the effects of oil prices, we will have gotten away with all our addictions scot-free. (Argus Hamilton)

Surgeons at the University of California at San Diego created uninvasive medical history by removing a man’s appendix through his mouth. And you don’t even want to know where they went in to perform a vasectomy. (Alex Kaseberg)

The latest cell phone advance is voice activated text messages. You can send a text message by just talking on the phone. Wow, voice-texting, videos, songs, pictures, e-mails, next thing you know you’ll be able to use a phone to talk to another person. (Alex Kaseberg)

The latest cell phone advance is voice activated text messages. You can send a text message by just talking on the phone. Or as it is also known: leaving a message after the beep. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

In New Jersey today, there were dangerous winds, with gusts up to 50 miles an hour. The winds were so strong that they blew former Governor McGreevey off his chauffeur. (Conan O’Brien)

SPORTS

Down in Washington, D.C., President Bush threw the first pitch at a Nationals game. He left at the seventh inning, and I thought, “Great. At least he has an exit strategy for that.” (David Letterman)

President Bush threw out the first ball the other night at the Washington Nationals home opener. Boy, wasn’t is nice to see Bush throwing out something other than the Constitution? (Jay Leno)

Jose Canseco’s new book, Vindicated, claims Alex Rodriguez tried to bed his wife and that Jose introduced A-Rod to a steroids dealer. The Yankees slugger has no reason to worry. The last thing Congress is going to do is hold hearings on adultery in baseball. (Argus Hamilton)

High school basketball phenom Al-Farouq Aminu was arrested Friday on charges of aggravated assault and trespassing… wow, he really is ready for the NBA! (Jake Novak)

The Toyota Camry that Microsoft sponsored at the Sunday’s race at Martinsville Speedway in Virginia finished 37th. The Microsoft car could have done a lot better, but every time the mechanics wanted to change the tires, the tires wouldn’t work with that version of the car. (Pedro Bartes)

Did you hear about the fan violence in Italy at soccer games? The fan violence in Italy at soccer games has gotten so bad, the teams are forced to play in empty stadiums. Empty stadiums! And so now, it’s just like United States soccer. (Dave Letterman)

The New York Yankees finally held the delayed opening day at Yankee Stadium on Tuesday. The economy is very shaky in the nation’s financial capital. The vendors were walking up and down the aisle selling peanuts, popcorn and foreclosed real estate. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

Have you seen HBO’s “John Adams”? There is a great scene where George Washington is sworn in as President and, at the inaugural ball, John McCain introduces the Rolling Stones. (Alex Kaseberg)

“Shine a Light” is out in movie theaters. A documentary of the Rolling Stones really exposes their age. They still trash hotel rooms, but at least now they get the AARP discount. (Alan Ray)

The Boston Ballet Company is leaving the 3600 seat Wong Theater after 30 years. Seems the landlord refused to authorize “The Nutcracker” scheduled for next season. They’re still a little gun shy over public reaction to last season’s “The Vagina Monologues In Dance.” (Bob Mills)

CELEBRITIES

People magazine has published the first pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s twins. I got all excited and went out and bought the magazine… and it’s pictures of her children! Not what I expected at all. (Craig Ferguson)

It’s a great day for Mariah Carey. She broke Elvis’ record for the most No. 1 hits. Her publicist said she’s bigger than Elvis. They might want to rephrase that. (Craig Ferguson)

Some Latino groups are complaining that Jessica Alba is neglecting her heritage by not speaking Spanish. Sorry, but when I fantasize about Jessica Alba being bi, I don’t mean bilingual. (Bill Maher)

Paris Hilton bruised her chin when she was knocked down by photographers. The good news is that Paris said her chin only hurts when she gives oral sex; unfortunately, that means it hurts constantly. (Alex Kaseberg)

Winona Ryder has been caught shoplifting again in a Hollywood drugstore. She was caught outside with make-up items she didn’t buy. She got fifteen endorsement offers the next day when people found out she looked that good with drugstore brands. (Argus Hamilton)

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow Airport yesterday for spitting at a police officer. Apparently the officer didn’t want to return the cell phone she had thrown at him first . (Pedro Bartes)

In an upcoming autobiography, Bobby Brown said he never tried cocaine until he met Whitney Houston. Apparently until then, he had only done crack because he could not afford cocaine. (Pedro Bartes)

RELIGION

The Vatican newspaper says Islam has now surpassed Roman Catholicism as the world’s largest religion. But just to be sure, the world’s Muslims are planning to kill a few more Catholics than usual this week. (Jake Novak)

Portland, OR — Evangelicals are anxiously awaiting the court’s interpretation of a new state law that disallows “faith-based healing” as practiced by members of the 100 year old Christ Church who rely on “prayer and application of holy oils” to cure illnesses. A typical prescription would be: “Read two psalms and call me in the morning.” (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

If you’re in college and not drinking beer, you’re doing it wrong. Students at Utah State have taken to playing the drinking game, Beer Pong. With root beer! Instead of beer, root beer! And instead of laughing and partying and trying to get laid, everybody wishes they were dead. (Bill Maher)

CULTURE

The good news is on YouTube, the Obama speech now is getting watched more than the clips of the pastor. The bad news is that it’s still far behind the footage of Spitzer’s hooker on “Girls Gone Wild.” (Bill Maher)

HISTORY

Sotheby’s will auction a letter Abe Lincoln wrote to children saying he doesn’t have the legal power to free slaves. It could sell for as much as three million dollars. That’s how rare it is for a president to admit that he has to follow the Constitution. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they’ll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy. (Conan O’Brien)

POLLS & STUDIES

A new survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes… so that means Eliot Spitzer is shelling out at least $6,000-a-minute! (Jake Novak)

A Nielsen Company survey of consumers in 48 countries found that Gucci is the world’s most desired luxury brand with Chanel and Calvin Klein closely following. Most desired Chinese knockoffs are Rolex, Cartier and Nike. (Bob Mills)

4 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-05-08

  1. Christian Prophet

    Bill Clinton was a good president. Hillary would have sailed in if it weren’t for the imposter. See:
    http://miraclesdaily.blogspot.com/

  2. You can send some of your cruise or hotel photos to

    hotelroomphotos dot com

  3. “After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood.” – Fred Thompson

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