WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-19-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Pope visited President Bush in the White House. Talk about different leaders. One speaks almost no English and thinks he’s God’s emissary. The other is the head of the Catholic Church. (Alan Ray)

The U.S. is truly the land of opportunity. A black man who just finished paying off his student loans can be called “elitist.” A woman who with her husband has earned over $100 million in the past five years can call herself “middle class.” And a 71-year-old man who has earned nothing but government paychecks his entire adult life can call himself an “outsider.” (Janice Hough)

The Dalai Lama arrived in Seattle Thursday to begin a thirteen-day tour of the United States. He’ll discuss the crisis in Tibet. It was originally scheduled to be a three-day tour of the United States, but his travel agent booked him on American. (Argus Hamilton)

A New York collector bought a fifty-year-old film of Marilyn Monroe giving oral sex to a man whose face is never seen. The FBI once seized the film to try to prove the man was Jack Kennedy. It was intended as a training film for White House interns. (Argus Hamilton)

A new report from the Associated Press, says that the senior Bush administration officials met regularly in the White House to discuss and approve specific torture techniques. All the heavy hitters were there. Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell, and Ashcroft and Tenet. Everybody except Bush himself, they left him with a sitter. (Bill Maher)

Hillary Clinton clamped down on Bill Clinton’s behavior Friday and ordered him to tone down his campaign rhetoric onstage. It was historic. She publicly told her husband to keep it zipped, and for the first time in thirty years she meant his mouth. (Argus Hamilton)

Philadelphia, PA — A new law limits gun purchases to one weapon per person a month. Good idea. At that rate, it would take at least two years to equip a decent massacre. (Bob Mills)

Did you see the pope’s plane land yesterday? I think it’s called, was it “Shepherd One”? Is that the name of the pope’s plane? “Shepherd One”? And he’s also German, isn’t he? So that would make it “German Shepherd One.” (Jay Leno)

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows. (Dave Barry)

The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One. (Seth Meyers)

Harry Potter creator J. K. Rowling arrived in New York to testify in a copyright infringement lawsuit she brought against the author of a Harry Potter lexicon. Meanwhile, Pope Benedict XVI arrived in New York to begin his first visit to the US. Which raises the obvious question: what’s the difference between the pope and J. K. Rowling? Well, one has made a fortune peddling magic, fantasy and make-believe and the other is a talented children’s writer. (Bob Mills)

POPE BENEDICK

We also want to wish Pope Benedict a happy birthday. Tomorrow, he’ll be 81 years old. The pontiff, 81 years old. Do you realize in a couple more years, he could be the next Republican nominee? (Jay Leno)

President Bush told the pope that he has prayed every single day since he became president. Hey, since Bush became president, we’ve all prayed every single day. (Jay Leno)

The pope will be visiting New York later in the week. He’ll be doing a mass at Yankee Stadium. That’ll be pretty cool. Then, he’s going to spend over 12 hours hearing the sins of the two New York governors. (Jay Leno)

It’s exciting to be here now because you know what’s going to happen? The pope is coming to New York City. Can you feel the excitement? He arrived earlier today in Washington, D.C. Of course, he flew Virgin Atlantic. (David Letterman)

Almost 13000 people gathered at the White House to greet the Pope Wednesday and all of them shared a pray with the Holiness. Apparently the White House has not seen so much kneeling since Bill Clinton left office. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush picked up the Pope at the airport after his arrival. While in the Limo, Bush asked the pope if he wanted to drive it, because if the Holiness was driving him, all his friends would think he’s God. (Pedro Bartes)

But did you hear about this? He’s getting on the flight in Rome, and he was almost not allowed on the aircraft because he tried to bring on more than three ounces of holy water. (David Letterman)

On Sunday. the pope will emcee a mass before 50,000 of the faithful in Yankee Stadium. He? ll pray for and end to world hunger, peace in the Middle East and the Knicks. (Bob Mills)

Pope Benedict XVI continues his visit to the United States today hoping to bring faith, good deeds, and peace between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. (Jake Novak)

Pope Benedict is in America! Wooo! He hath done it! Here he is being greeted by President Bush, the leaders of the two most powerful theocracies in the world. I personally have trouble telling them apart. They’re both infallible. They both did some things when they were younger that they wish people would forget. One was a cheerleader, the other Nazi youth. It’s a fine line. (Stephen Colbert)

On Sunday. the pope will emcee a mass before 50,000 of the faithful in Yankee Stadium. He? ll pray for and end to world hunger, peace in the Middle East and the Knicks. (Bob Mills)

Actually, one really embarrassing moment, you see this on the news? When the pope blessed the crowd with holy water? Well, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney, burned his skin. (Jay Leno)

THE CANDIDATES

All three presidential candidates this week went on American Idol. Did they really think the same people who are interested in a superficial, poorly-run popularity contest are also interested in American Idol? (Bill Maher)

In an effort to try and connect with some of the rural voters in Pennsylvania, Hillary said she has gone hunting, and once shot a duck. Actually shot a duck. Don’t confuse that with Barack. He shot himself in the foot. That’s a totally different thing. Personally, I like Cheney. He shot a lawyer. (Jay Leno)

Bruce Springsteen announced on his website today that he’s endorsing Barack Obama for president. Which means, Obama now has Oprah and Bruce, and all he needs to complete the triumverate is Judge Judy, and he has this whole thing sewn up. (Jimmy Kimmel)

According to a new poll, Barack Obama has a 24-point lead over Hillary Clinton in North Carolina. Obama is doing particularly well with one important demographic: voters. (Amy Poehler)

Between gasoline prices and the mortgage foreclosures, people are hurting. And you know who finally noticed this? John McCain. He changed his position on people losing their homes, from his original, “Drop Dead,” to a new policy called “Go F*ck Yourself Plus.” (Bill Maher)

John McCain said today one of the reasons we’re in a recession is because of the “very greedy people on Wall Street.” Then he thanked those people for their campaign contributions. (Jay Leno)

John McCain wants to suspend federal gasoline taxes this summer. He thought of doing the same for tobacco, but ruled it out because that would give Hillary Clinton a chance to tell how her father taught her to simultaneously use guns and chew tobacco when she was eight. (Scott Witt)

You know they had hearings this week, about Iraq, with General Petraeus, and John McCain had another senior moment, where he couldn’t remember who the Sunnis are, the Shiites. I’m beginning to worry about this guy. They asked him afterwards if this would affect his presidential campaign, and he said, “I’m running for President?” (Bill Maher)

Hillary Clinton continuing to attack Barack Obama. Hillary says Barack is an elitist who thinks he’s smarter than most people. Is that a bad thing? Wouldn’t it be nice for a change to have a president that’s actually smarter than most people? Shouldn’t that be one of the qualifications for the job? That you’re actually smarter than most people? (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the Plasterers Union Tuesday. Support law and order, you get the Police Union, support tariffs, you get the autoworkers. Drink a shot and a beer on camera, and you are the national spokesman for getting plastered. (Argus Hamilton)

And today, John McCain said he disagrees with President Bush on the issue of climate change. And believe me, McCain knows what he’s talking about on this subject. Of all the presidential candidates, he is the only one who’s actually lived through an ice age. (Jay Leno)

Cindy McCain told Access Hollywood Friday she was addicted to painkillers. The pretty blonde was a rodeo queen and heiress to a huge Phoenix beer distributorship. If John McCain cheated on her with a lobbyist, he missed his calling as a kamikaze pilot. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton was ripped Friday after House auditors revealed his taxpayer-paid office expenses. He has run up a four hundred thousand dollar phone bill since he left office. It never occurred to Congress to block all 900 numbers for ex-presidents. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton vowed in Philadelphia Friday she will repeal the mandatory five-year prison sentence for crack cocaine users. What a clever ploy. She wants to trick Barack Obama’s supporters into thinking that all will be forgiven when she wins. (Argus Hamilton)

McCain campaign aides lifted some recipes from the Rachael Ray Show on cable and released them as “Cindy McCain’s Family Recipes.” They should have known that Cindy’s recipes are all pureed on a Cuisinart so John can chew them. (Bob Mills)

Barack Obama had said small town Americas cling to things like their guns because they’re bitter. That is ridiculous. You don’t cling to your gun because you’re bitter. You shoot your gun because you’re bitter. Then you cling to it because it’s so nice and warm. (Stephen Colbert)

Well, experts are now suggesting, if Hillary loses Pennsylvania, she could be finished. I don’t want to say Hillary’s days might be numbered, but her Secret Service code name is Katie Couric. (Jay Leno)

There’s a new controversy this week about the Clintons. Hillary Clinton is against making a free trade agreement with Colombia, but her husband, Bill, got paid $800,000 to make speeches for a Colombian company that is trying to make a free trade deal happen. A reporter in Pennsylvania asked her about it, and she answered with weird, uncomfortable laughter [on screen: video of Clinton laughing]. Yes, it’s a conflict of interest, my bastard husband screwed me over again. (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE PRIMARIES AND DEBATES

Folks, we are here in Pennsylvania, because Pennsylvania will have a decisive voice in whether the Democratic nominee will, for the first time, be a woman or an elitist, secret Muslim. Never had both of them go off before. (Stephen Colbert)

A big debate earlier tonight in Philadelphia between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. So we’ll finally find out if it’s a City of Brotherly Love, or if they’re going to go with the old white lady. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH

The White House held a big dinner tonight honoring the pope, but the pope chose not to attend. He didn’t attend the dinner. I think President Bush was a little hurt. In fact, he said today, “You know, after the trouble we went through to prepare a kosher meal.” (Jay Leno)

President Bush is sending $200 million in emergency aid to help starving countries across the world. That will be $1 million for the food, and $199 million for shipping and handling. (Jake Novak)

First Daughter Jenny Bush will be married May 10 in Texas. Her dad is helping with the ceremonial symbols. The “something borrowed” will be money from China. (Alan Ray)

THE ADMINISTRATION

A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list. (Amy Poehler)

A picture of Dick Cheney during a fishing trip with what appeared to be a naked woman reflected in his sunglasses in the close-up circulated the web last week. The Bush administration confirmed it was a naked woman, but said it is part of a new medical procedure to ensure Cheney’s heart is still beating. (Pedro Bartes)

Former Sec. State Rumsfeld has been signed by Penguin Books to write his memoirs, though for no advance and expenses only. He told reporters “You go with the publisher you have, not the publisher you’d like to have.” (Bob Mills)

According to his tax return last year, Vice President Cheney donated $166,000 to charity. Yeah, most of the money went to Cheney’s favorite holiday charity, Coal for Tots. (Conan O’Brien)

THE COURTS & THE LAW

The Supreme Court has upheld the legality of lethal injections. A majority of the justices rejected arguments that the executions cause excruciating pain to the inmates and the construction companies desperate to build more prisons in the economic slowdown. (Jake Novak)

The Supreme Court upheld the constitutionality of execution by lethal injection on Wednesday. The methods vary. Some states use the electric chair, some states use the gas chamber, but in California they find somebody younger who looks just like you. (Argus Hamilton)

Charleston, SC — A 200 year old law makes it illegal to play poker for money. Strip poker is allowed as long as the winner doesn’t sell the clothes. (Bob Mills)

THE DEMOCRATS

The Democrats announced today their convention this summer will be the “greenest ever.” And the Republicans are doing their part too. For the Republican convention, John McCain is gonna switch to cloth diapers. (Craig Ferguson)

THE STATES

Florida lawmakers have passed a bill allowing people to take their guns to work. That will make the boss think twice before yelling at an employee. (Jim Barach)

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the news, which always makes me happy. That’s right. This week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be speaking at a convention of gay Republicans. Yeah, Arnold could get in trouble because he plans to start his speech by saying, “Hello, girly men.” (Conan O’Brien)

Massachusetts legislators considered a dollar per pack tax increase on cigarettes on Friday to pay for the universal health care program. It’s brutal. If they penalize smokers any more, tobacco is going to have a sentencing disparity with powdered cocaine. (Argus Hamilton)

South Carolina State representative Todd Rutherford has introduced a bill to remove from state grounds the statue of 19th century governor “Pitchfork” Ben Tillman, who ordered the killing of any black who attempted to vote. In the Pitchfork’s defense — he was a genuine fan of jazz. (Bob Mills)

LOCAL NEWS

The legendary Ferris Wheel from Santa Monica Pier has just been put on e-Bay. On sale to the highest bidder. If you’re not from the L. A. area, the Santa Monica Ferris Wheel is an L. A. institution. Like the Hollywood sign, the Chinese Theater, or rehab. (Craig Ferguson)

Salt Lake City officials have established new rules requiring children under three to wear a diaper and waterproof swim pants in public pools. Female astronauts are barred completely. (Bob Mills)

SECURITY

A passenger who left his seat to pray in the back of a plane before it took off, was removed by an airport security guard, a witness and the airline said. The guard became suspicious when the person said he was praying to thank for the airplane food he was about to be given. (Pedro Bartes)

TERRORISM

New technology that can “see” through clothing and detect what’s underneath is a potentially effective tool to prevent terrorism, and to help women seeing new men decide if they should go on that third date. (Jake Novak)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

It’s tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States government takes a third of your money. A third. My God, it’s like being married to Heather Mills. (David Letterman)

The Consumer Price Index indicated Monday that grocery prices skyrocketed this first quarter, and chips, cola and beer are through the roof. The calories aren’t a problem. With gasoline at four dollars a gallon we are walking it off as fast as we can eat it. (Argus Hamilton)

This is the day after tax day, of course. See, this is the day that unites people, I think. It’s a day when wealthy Americans with money from big cities are just as bitter as Americans in small towns who are broke. (Jay Leno)

THE MILITARY

Gen. David Petraeus was grilled by the presidential candidates and other congressional leaders on Capitol Hill for two days last week. He said he couldn’t wait to get back to Iraq, where the government is much more friendly and compassionate. (Jay Leno)

Federal investigators were able to buy stolen military equipment online on eBay. Government officials were mad until they realized they were paying a lot less for it than the military. (Jim Barach)

Lt. Cmdr. Rebecca Dickinson, 38, testified in federal court that she moonlighted as a call girl while assigned to the Naval Academy as a supply officer. She says she turned down Eliot Spitzer because he wanted her to sing “Popeye the Sailor Man” while performing unnatural acts with spinach. (Bob Mills)

THE OLYMPICS

Yeah, a lot of people want Bush to boycott the Olympics. Seems to me that’s very backwards. If you’re trying to piss off the Chinese, don’t you want to send President Bush over to China. “Hey, squinty! When do I get to see the ninjas?” They’ll be like, “Oh, f*ck it, Tibet is free, just get this moron away from me.” (Bill Maher)

The Olympic torch relay was in Buenos Aires Friday after angry street protests shut down three major world cities. It’s a shame. The protests take the focus away from what the games are supposed to be all about, taking illegal drugs to win medals. (Argus Hamilton)

THE UNITED NATIONS & WORLD AGENCIES

The World Bank warned Monday that the high cost of food and resulting food shortage is causing Third World hunger riots. There must be a solution. Scientists all over the world are trying to develop crops that Americans cannot convert into gasoline. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

The State Department has officially disapproved of former President Jimmy Carter’s trip to visit Syria, where he’s meeting with the terrorist group Hamas. The State Department disapproves of the trip, but they couldn’t stop him from going. And I thought this was kind of petty. For his return trip, they switched his flight to American. Good luck! Hope it all works out. (Jay Leno)

Israel has resumed fuel shipments to Gaza after a weeklong cutoff. This is great news for Palestinians who were running out of gas to help them set tires on fire. (Jake Novak)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

After 23 people in 14 states were hospitalized with salmonella, Malt-O-Meal has recalled all its puffed rice and puff wheat cereals. It’s shot from guns. That should have been enough of a health warning right there. (Bob Mills)

Researchers at the Cancer Council Victoria in Melbourne, Australia have found that men who take care of themselves more than five times a week are 33% less likely to develop prostate cancer. Who would have ever thought that Pee Wee Herman was going to be associated to the cure for cancer? (Pedro Bartes)

New research shows painkillers may increase migraines. Especially when you are Rush Limbaugh and you are caught buying them illegally. (Pedro Bartes)

A study says that a regional nuclear war could cause worldwide havoc for at least a decade. In other words, it would be less of a problem than the subprime mortgage crisis. (Jim Barach)

A British 6 year old has been treated at a hospital for alcoholism. Fortunately he was recommended to a good program by Britney Spears’ kids. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

They’ve just released a study that says in the next 30 years, there’s a 97 percent chance that Southern California will have an earthquake of magnitude 6.7 or greater. And there’s a 40 percent chance of either being run over or attacked by Britney Spears. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Actually, I think President Bush starting to change his opinion on global warming. Today, he announced an initiative to combat global warming. Again, I don’t think he really understands the issue. He says his first act would be to order the Department of Energy to start drilling for solar power. (Jay Leno)

SPORTS

Major League Baseball players and owners have agreed to amnesty for all players mentioned in the Mitchell Report on performance enhancing drugs. Well, that showed those players they had better think twice before using steroids next time. (Jim Barach)

Major League Baseball owners and players came to a labor agreement on steroids penalties Friday. It gives everyone who was named in the Mitchell Report amnesty. No team can afford to lose their shortstop just because he’s in the country illegally. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Yankees hired workers to excavate a Red Sox jersey from the new Yankee Stadium’s concrete foundation, where it was buried by a Boston fan who wanted to place a permanent hex on the Bronx Bombers. The Yankees wanted him prosecuted but officials said he hadn’t committed any crime. Witchcraft is only against the law in Massachusetts. (Argus Hamilton)

Construction workers jackhammered through concrete this week to pull out a Red Sox jersey from the base of the new Yankee Stadium. The bodies of the 15 former union officials also in the foundation were not disturbed. (Jake Novak)

More bad news for the Detroit Tigers, they lost again last night. After winning the night before, they’re now one and eight. Yeah. They won one, lost eight. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place. (Jay Leno)

ENTERTAINMENT

American Idol topped the ratings again last week for Fox Network. Many tune in for the judges. It’s fun to see an erratic woman, a smooth black guy and a cranky white guy arguing over something besides which one of them should be elected president. (Argus Hamilton)

Disney World is offering the presidential candidates “fast passes” that will allow the VIP?s to cut in front of everyone else in line. Just McCain’s luck. He’s past the age limit for admittance to most of the rides. (Bob Mills)

“The Sims” is now the best selling computer game in the world. Players can build a virtual family that is energetic, creative, and interactive. They don’t sit around playing computer games. (Alan Ray)

Priscilla Presley was voted off “Dancing With the Stars” Priscilla was either really upset or really happy to be gone, but, because of all the Botox in her face, nobody could tell one way or the other. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Critics ripped ABC journalists Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos, hosts of the last Democratic debate, accusing them of favoring Hillary throughout the entire debate. ABC released a statement saying that they were forced to have those hosts after the Pope and the Dalai Lama refused to host the debate. (Pedro Bartes)

In what many considered a must-win contest for the two ABC News personalities, Charles Gibson handed rival George Stephanopolous a resounding defeat in last night’s televised debate. With over ten million viewers watching, the stakes were high for the two ABC rivals to see who could pepper the candidates with the most so-called “gotcha” questions. (Andy Borowitz)

To save money, CBS is thinking of hiring CNN to provide its news coverage. Who knows, maybe after that it will pay ABC to produce its entertainment and NBC to put it in last place. (Scott Witt)

CELEBRITIES

Jay-Z and Beyonce – it has been confirmed: they finally tied the knot. They got married. If you want get them something, they are registered at “Bed, Bath, & Booty.” (Craig Ferguson)

There’s a report Oprah Winfrey has dropped Dr Phil from her “inner circle.” Oprah dumped Dr Phil after she suddenly realized he’s just a pushy bald guy with a mustache. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

O.J. Simpson is listed in California as the 15th biggest tax debtor. He owes over $1.5 million in back taxes and he’s not paying it. In fact, OJ and two gun-toting guys broke into OJ’s accountant’s office and stole back his tax return memorabilia. (Alex Kaseberg)

An old sex film of a young Marilyn Monroe surfaced but a rich collector bought it and is keeping it private, he isn’t going to show it. Man, you thought Bill Clinton got mad when Bill Richardson didn’t endorse Hillary? (Alex Kaseberg)

Elton John had a big fundraiser for Hillary Clinton, and he scolded America. He said Hillary’s campaign is hindered by the misogynist attitudes of Americans. Then he launched into his big hit, “The Bitch is Back.” (Bill Maher)

Herschel Walker says in his new book he had a multiple personality disorder throughout his football career. He says he managed twelve separate personalities. It should have been apparent during his senior season when he beat Clemson by himself. (comedian Argus Hamilton)

Britney Spears triggered a minor accident on a freeway in Los Angeles’ San Fernando Valley on Saturday evening, It is official; she now has more hits with her car than with her music career. (Pedro Bartes)

Eminem was asked to sing at a concert in Nelson Mandela’s honor when he comes to Washington D.C. this summer. Both men will go down in history. Nelson Mandela ended racial apartheid in South Africa and Eminem broke the color barrier in rap music. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

A Virginia Beach high school teacher resigned after it was discovered she was running an escort service. Why should she resign? She can teach sex education and accounting all at once. (Alex Kaseberg)

HISTORY

Do you know what happened Tuesday in 1912? The Titanic sank costing the lives of over 1500 people. You know what makes it even more tragic? It happened on April 15th, all those people died right after they paid their taxes. (Alex Kaseberg)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

On a study that says that a person’s face can tell if the person is interested in casual sex or a long-term commitment: “You can tell they are interested in casual sex if the face in question is a man’s. (Jim Barach)

BUSINESS & LABOR

With 3300 of its flights having been canceled last week for inspections, American Airlines reports a new high in on-time performance and a new low in lost luggage. Both of its remaining flights arrived on schedule with all baggage intact. Unfortunately, the food was still terrible. (Scott Witt)

The government is ordering airlines to double the compensation they must pay passengers bumped from oversold flights to as much as $800. That should cover the cost of about two cups of coffee and airport parking fees. (Jake Novak)

Starbucks has introduced the “Splash Stick,” a plastic device that is used to plug up the sip hole in the cup’s cap to prevent spillage. It’s free. Well, not exactly free, but it’s only $3.95 with proof of product purchase, which at Starbuck prices is free. (Bob Mills)

Pfizer Pharmaceuticals marked the tenth anniversary of the federal approval of the Viagra pill on Tuesday. Nothing ever had less trouble getting congressional approval. The difference between the House vote on going to war with Japan and the vote for Viagra’s approval is that there was one vote against going to war with Japan. (Argus Hamilton)

Pfizer announced disappointing earnings this morning and its stock price is near an 11-year low. It’s not clear if things are really bad at the company or if Pfizer is just trying to get its investors more dependent on its drugs. (Jake Novak)

Pacific Airlines on Monday announced a massive six-year expansion program to make the airline a major carrier. They look out for their customers. All their posted emergency instructions are in Spanish so the Californians can get off the plane first. (Argus Hamilton)

Delta and Northwest want to merge. The alliance provides enhanced service for each company. Both will have new destinations in which to lose your luggage. (Alan Ray)

Pending approval by the FDA, Delta and Northwest Airlines will merge to form the world’s largest carrier with 80,000 employees, 2700 flights a day and a net worth of $17.7 billion. Deciding what to name the new company wasn’t easy. After lengthy negotiations, lawyers for both parties agreed that the name should somehow incorporate the shape of their new Boeing 880’s. The new name °ßNorthwest Delta Burke.” (Bob Mills)

Delta Airlines was reported Tuesday to be near approval of a merger with Northwest Airlines as regulators went over details. It’s huge. If you combine the number of passengers in their economy class cabins, only Zimbabwe lets more people starve every day. (Argus Hamilton)

Wal Mart will photograph any customer who buys a gun and turn the photo over to police if the weapon is used to commit a crime. Unless, of course, that crime is holding up a K-Mart or a Target. (Bob Mills)

POLLS & STUDIES

A new survey says that 98 percent of historians consider the Bush presidency a failure. On the upside, this is Bush’s highest poll numbers in years. (Craig Ferguson)

Pot activists plan massive gatherings called “4/20 rallies” this weekend. Precautions are being taken in big cities. Nearby stores are stocking shelves with extra bags of Doritos. (Alan Ray)

5 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-19-08

  1. 🙂 liked the pope and rowling joke most

  2. //Do you know what happened Tuesday in 1912? The Titanic sank costing the lives of over 1500 people. You know what makes it even more tragic? It happened on April 15th, all those people died right after they paid their taxes.// now this is what you call a tragedy.

  3. hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I love the Bush joke..!! OMG… these are hilarious! 😀
    http://mirrorcracked.wordpress.com

  4. Alex Kaseberg, who made the Titanic joke, does not remember that most who died were Irish and therefore not tax payers in America. They were hoping to become tax payers in America though.

    Luckily for him that most people do think before laughing… Hm.

  5. rather ‘do not think’ 🙂

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