WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-26-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Of course, all the presidential candidates seized on the pope’s visit. And people are speculating which presidential candidate is most like the pope. And it’s hard to say. I mean, you got John McCain, he’s the old guy. He’s closest to God. Barack Obama is the elitist. He’s holier than thou. And, of course, Hillary who is married to Bill Clinton, and who has forgiven more sin than Hillary? How do you pick one? (Jay Leno)

Al-Qaeda’s second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri blasted Palestinian terror group Hamas Tuesday for meeting with Jimmy Carter and telling him they might agree to recognize Israel. You can’t make it up. In one meeting Jimmy Carter ticked off both Al-Qaeda and the Bush administration, proving again that he can bring people together. (Argus Hamilton)

During his final statement and before receiving a 3 year sentence for tax evasion, actor Wesley Snipes said that he’s unschooled in the science of law and finance. Now President Bush is thinking of pardoning him and making him part of his administration. (Pedro Bartes)

It’s amazing how drinking is now part of this campaign. And all of the candidates have their favorite drinks now. For example, John McCain, he prefers Old Grand Dad. Barack Obama, he likes the elitist Manhattan with extra bitters. And, of course, Hillary likes a shot of Old Crow, straight up. (Jay Leno)

President Bush now has the highest disapproval rating of any president in the history of disapproval ratings, or approval ratings. 70% Of Americans disapprove of the job he’s doing. That’s even worse than Nixon, right, before he left office? So way to go, Mr. President. It goes to show you with hard work and determination, you can accomplish anything. (Jimmy Kimmel)

A study shows that New Yorkers are getting a lot fatter. Except for the New York Knicks. By firing Isiah Thomas, they just lost 200 pounds of useless weight. (Alex Kaseberg)

Starting May 5th, Continental, Delta, Northwest, United and US Air will start charging $25 each way for a second bag and $100 for a third one. The way things are, sooner or later, Airlines are going to charge you extra for the bags under your eyes, your nut sacks and your package. (Pedro Bartes)

Donald Trump was reported Wednesday to be considering O. J. Simpson’s request to appear on NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice. It’s a perfect pairing. They’re both stars, they’re both loathed by women, and they’re both famous for their cutthroat business techniques. (Argus Hamilton)

In an interview, First Lady Laura Bush, who used to be a librarian… says she cannot fall asleep without reading… As opposed to her husband, who can’t read without falling asleep. (Jay Leno)

NBC is creating a number of shows that are based around sponsors’ products. Shows to come: Boston Market Legal, The Office Depot, International “House” of Pancakes, The Tyra Bank of America Show, CSI Kentucky Fried Chicken, Dancing with the Starbucks, Sex and the City Bank and Saved by the Taco Bell. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CANDIDATES

The three presidential candidates appeared Monday on World Wrestling Entertainment’s live “Monday Night Raw.” They all acted like pros; when it comes to fake moves, there’s nobody better than a politician. (Pedro Bartes)

We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election. On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer. On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship. Is there a contest here? (Author unknown or unwilling to be identified)

Well, after that long, drawn-out primary in PA the choices are still the same. You’ve got McCain, Obama and Clinton. Or to use their pro-wrestler names The Geezer, The Pleaser and the Freezer, ladies and gentlemen. (Jay Leno)

On the Republican side, John McCain has been feeling a little left out. Last night he organized a debate against himself. The good news is the opinion polls show he leads himself 52 to 48 percent. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Michael Moore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. It is important for Barack because Moore is considered a heavy weight by the Democratic Party and every one else. (Pedro Bartes)

According to some of the political blogs, Democratic operatives have been looking for dirt on John McCain since February. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on John McCain? An archaeologist (Jay Leno)

The Clinton camp still faces some serious money problems. If only Hillary knew a wealthy former president who made $30 million on his autobiography. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Hillary Clinton made a last-minute appeal for voter turnout in Pennsylvania in campaign ads Monday. She invoked Pearl Harbor and the Berlin Wall and Gettysburg. She didn’t give up when she was under attack then, and she’s not going to give up now. (Argus Hamilton)

No one says anything about John McCain anymore. I guess he won his side of the thing, and now he’s just wandering around. He’s trying to get press, so this week, he went on a tour of areas that he called “forgotten places.” Which at his age, is just about everywhere. (Conan O’Brien)

Presidential candidates appeared this week in several TV shows: Obama was a guest with John Stewart, Hillary with Colbert and McCain played a corpse in CSI Miami. (Pedro Bartes)

On TV an expert said Barack Obama is one of the best public speakers of all time. He’s very persuasive. He could convince a wino to give him a quarter. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

This campaign is very tough on the Democrats because they have to fight it out even longer. McCain, see, the only thing he has to fight is regularity. (Jay Leno)

John McCain is questioning Barack Obama’s association with a radical U.S. bomber. I don’t think Obama ever knew he was Dick Cheney’s distant cousin. (Pedro Bartes)

The primary race is dragging on and on and on. But the Democrats are trying to put a good face on it, they’re confident, they say now, absolutely they will have a nominee for president by McCain’s second year in office. So there. They’re ready to go. (David Letterman)

In her victory speech last night, Hillary Clinton repeatedly used the words, “fight,” “fighter” and “fighting.” Then Hillary said, “But enough about my marriage.” (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama remained upbeat Wednesday after his pummeling in Pennsylvania. He couldn’t knock her out. After Hillary finished beating him Tuesday, the makers of Waterford crystal offered Obama ten million dollars for the naming rights to his jaw. (Argus Hamilton)

According to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, John McCain only crossed the aisle to the Democratic side three times in 26 years. And that because he needed to go to the bathroom and the Republican one was taken by Larry Craig. (Pedro Bartes)

THE PRIMARIES AND DEBATES

This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don’t want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air. (Bill Maher)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush hosted a NAFTA meeting with leaders of Canada and Mexico and denounced what he called the scare tactics of isolation. It’s a question of executive authority. He’s the only one in Washington who’s licensed to use scare tactics. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush made an appearance during the TV show Deal or no Deal. Apparently, that’s part of Bush’s new economic plan; if he participates in 30,000 shows that give away $1 million, we’ll be back in track. (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush announced his plan this week to limit greenhouse gases – he said he will ban all greenhouses. (Jay Leno)

President Bush and the pope prayed together during the Pontiff’s meeting at the White House. The pope prayed for world peace, while President Bush asked for a pony. (Jim Barach)

But it’s true, Bush was on “Deal or No Deal.” Apparently he didn’t feel he was ready for “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” (David Letterman)

It’s been reported that President Bush was so impressed with Pope Benedict’s recent visit, that after he leaves office Bush may convert to Catholicism. Bush said, “I’d convert right now, but Dick Cheney freaks out if you get near him with a cross” (Conan O’Brien)

THE ADMINISTRATION

President Bush named a new HUD chief. Bush says he wants to reverse the direction of HUD. Now if you reverse HUD, doesn’t that give you “duh?” (Jay Leno)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bush is not the only president doing TV. Tomorrow night, Bill Clinton gets busted on ‘Cheaters.’ You don’t want to miss that. (Jay Leno)

THE STATES

A Louisiana state Senate panel rejected a bill on Tuesday that would make it a crime to wear your pants too low, even as Cajun-country towns around Louisiana have been banning saggy pants from their streets. Reportedly, senators decided to drop the idea after seeing a video of university students with no pants. (Joe Hickman)

New York, NY — The State Appellate Court recently upheld a ban on cell phones in public schools. Next day, the School Board notified the kids by text message. (Bob Mills)

Columbus, OH — Republican State Representative Joy Padgett has introduced a bill that would ban the sale of American flags made in a foreign country. These family value, evangelical-courting pseudo-patriots just are’t happy unless they’re wrapped in a flag made in the good ol’ USA. (Bob Mills)

LOCAL NEWS

Los Angeles Airport Monday began offering passengers a choice between a pat-down or full-body scan. What’s unique is that they scan just the passengers coming into Los Angeles. Anyone found overweight or flat-chested is put on the next plane flight home. (Argus Hamilton)

A drug scandal in the New York City Police Department — cops will now be randomly tested for steroids. There’s also a new law against selling donuts with human growth hormone sprinkles. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

The New York Restaurant Association is appealing a city ordinance that will require the posting of calorie counts of all menu items. If this is allowed, they claim, the next thing you know, hookers will have to post their STDs. (Bob Mills)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A Los Angeles jury on Thursday convicted two elderly women dubbed the Black Widows for buying life insurance policies on homeless men and then running them over with their car and killing them. It was a stupid scheme. As much money as they spent on gasoline to run these guys over, the entire insurance payout went straight to Exxon. (Argus Hamilton)

SECURITY

A new body scanner installed at Kennedy Airport allows security screeners to see images of passengers in their underwear or even naked. Coincidentally, applications for security screeners at Kennedy Airport have nearly tripled in the past week. (Meredith Daniels)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

President Bush insists the U. S. economy is not in recession. The nation faces record-high gas prices, food shortages and a collapse in the home mortgage market. It’s making Americans nostalgic for the relative peace and quiet of terrorism. (Argus Hamilton)

You know that since George Bush has become president, gas has basically tripled in price. Now, Bush is an oil man. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, I’m just saying that if we had elected Colonel Sanders president, and the price of chicken had tripled, I’d be a little suspicious. (Bill Maher)

Rice prices are skyrocketing because of worldwide demand, and shortages caused by fearful consumers overbuying in bulk. Today at Kellogg’s Rice Krispies division, Snap told Crackle and Pop that he’s leaving the group to pursue a solo career. (Patrick Gorse)

Gas prices have hit $3.50 a gallon in some places. Oil companies are trying to soften the blow to consumers. Chevron plans to add an extra minute to the air and water machine. (Alan Ray)

THE MILITARY

Defense Secretary Robert Gates may be right about the Air Force not pulling its weight. Have you ever noticed the rear end of a Stealth bomber? You never see any “We Support the Troops” bumper stickers. And all those hoity-toity pilots wear those dumb ‘wings’ instead of American Flag lapel pins. Slackers! (Patrick Gorse)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

The French Assembly passed a bill Tuesday making it a crime for advertisers to incite extreme thinness in women in magazine ads. French men aren’t concerned that women will starve themselves to death. It’s just that the breasts are the first to go. (Argus Hamilton)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Vladimir Putin was reported Friday to have divorced his wife to marry Olympic gold medal winner Alina Kabayeva. She’s a gymnast known for her extreme flexibility. She has to be flexible for when they play their favorite game, the oil man and the tax collector. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ & IRAN

Some news from Iran. The chief of police in Tehran, who was in charge of fighting bad morals, was found naked with six hookers. His name? Amhmed Spitzer. I believe he is the governor of Tehran. (Jay Leno)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Jimmy Carter met with exiled leaders of the Hamas terrorist group in Syria Friday despite Israel’s furious opposition to the meeting. He said his purpose was to start a dialogue between two peoples who won’t talk to each other. He wanted an easier challenge after he couldn’t get Paul McCartney and Heather Mills to bury the hatchet. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Officials are working to improve air quality for the Beijing Olympics. One study showed the air in the Chinese capital contains more than 100 chemicals. On the plus side: None of them is MSG. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

The Shanghai Sheraton put their window washers in Spider-Man costumes Tuesday. It got everyone’s attention. The hotel made a big mistake last year when they didn’t run a psychological profile on their window washers and handed out Superman costumes. (Argus Hamilton)

AFRICA

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to shrink men’s penises in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure. Apparently, Larry Craig traveled to Congo to offer the cure for free. (Pedro Bartes)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Who knew? A new study claims that men who masturbate at least five times a week have a lower chance of getting prostate cancer; well, poor misunderstood Pee Wee Herman actor Paul Ruebens, Senator Larry Craig and singer George Michaels, it turns out they weren’t committing lewd acts in public, they were bravely trying to fight off prostate cancer. (Alex Kaseberg)

The April issue of Men’s Health magazine says Madison, Wisconsin, is the U. S. city with the healthiest teeth. Dentists in Madison, Wisconsin, say wearing cheese on your head instead of chewing it really cuts down on cavities. (Patrick Gorse)

Surgeons have carried out two successful operations in Britain using a pioneering “bionic eye” which incorporates a video camera and transmitter mounted on a pair of glasses. The system is still so expensive that before you see anything you have to put up with a 30 second ad. (Pedro Bartes)

New research in Britain finds that women who eat a lot of bananas before pregnancy are more likely to give birth to boys. It’s true. And to make your boy happier when he grows up, Mom, make sure those bananas are big ones. (Scott Witt)

Princeton physicist Edward Lorenz, who fathered the chaos theory, died at ninety Friday. His contended that a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil could set off a tornado in Texas. Before we had global warming everything was the butterfly’s fault. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Scientists say a large earthquake could hit California by the year 2037. They also said that it may snow in Minnesota. (Jim Barach)

Long Island’s Young Democrats protested Tuesday that global warming is reducing the harvests of hops, causing beer prices to soar. Environmentalists are alarmed. The recycling industry could collapse without beer bottles and cans from college towns. (Argus Hamilton)

The Weather Channel reported earthquakes in downstate Illinois Friday centered in Springfield. It was quickly a campaign issue. Within the hour, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were accusing each other of causing Abe Lincoln to spin in his grave. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

The NFL draft is this weekend. A team that will spend 40 million dollars on a 1st round draft choice sends a real message to its fans. “And you think beer is expensive now!” (Alan Ray)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expanded his probe of the New England Patriots in Spygate. No wonder Condi Rice wants to be commissioner. She’d come to the job with a stack of executive orders saying it’s okay for patriots to spy in order to win. (Argus Hamilton)

The NBA playoffs continue. The Lakers have dominated the Nuggets. Denver fans haven’t seen such depressing totals since Carmelo Anthony’s blood alcohol results. (Alan Ray)

The Dallas Cowboys have acquired Pacman Jones. His speed is a big question mark. Will he be able to outrun Irving police? (Alan Ray)

Now all the Cowboys need is a running back. Reportedly, they’re talking with O. J. (Joe Hickman)

The London Marathon was run last weekend by a one-hundred-year-old man who ran the twenty-six-mile race in ten hours. He stopped halfway for a pint of beer and a cigarette. When you’ve beaten the Germans twice, no one questions your workout routine. (Argus Hamilton)

Swimmer Ryan Lochte, who set four world records last week, said his skin-tight Speedo suit made him “feel like I’m some sort of action hero.” “Here comes Captain Bulgie to the rescue.” Apparently his super power is freaking out his enemies when they see him in his nasty Speedo. (Alex Kaseberg)

The National Football League expressed concern on Tuesday over reports of lead in the artificial turf in their stadiums. The players are increasingly at risk. If you think there’s lead in the artificial turf you should see the shell casings on the floor of the strip clubs. (Argus Hamilton)

Victorville, CA — Jim and Kelly Nehmens were convicted of embezzling $20,000 from the Adlanto Little League. Despite their explanation that they were saving up for a boat to import several promising Cuban pitchers. (Bob Mills)

ENTERTAINMENT

“The Forbidden Kingdom” is tops at the box office. An American teen travels back in time to Ancient China and makes an unsettling discovery. He can’t use his cell phone. (Alan Ray)

NBC is creating a number of shows that are based around sponsors’ products. Aren’t those what we now call infomercials? (Jim Barach)

The Tudors was picked up by Showtime for a third season on Tuesday and stars Jonathan Rhys Meyers as King Henry VIII. Its success is no surprise. You knew that when reality shows caught on it would eventually lead to beheading wives on television. (Argus Hamilton)

Harrison Ford was reported Monday to have worked in the new Indiana Jones film for no money until it makes a profit. The character is getting old. After Harrison Ford kisses the leading lady the audience has to wait thirty minutes for the fade-out. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

CNN reporter Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park for possession of drugs and loitering after he was found walking early Monday with a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals. The CNN reporter didn’t understand the big deal and said he was just wearing suspenders like Larry King. (Pedro Bartes)

Sen. Barack Obama agreed to a televised debate on CBS moderated by Katie Couric, saying, “If I make a gaffe, at least no one will be watching.” (Andy Borowitz)

CNN’s Larry King said he would continue his series on polygamy, saying that he was uniquely qualified to discuss people who had more than five wives. (Andy Borowitz)

CNN and Larry King have agreed to a contract extension which will keep the anchor with the network until 2010 or after three more divorces, whichever comes first. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton was endorsed Sunday by former nemesis and Pittsburgh newspaper owner Richard Mellon Scaife. It’s pure self-interest. Ever since Bill Clinton moved out of the White House, newspaper circulation in America has been falling like a stone. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Doris Day’s new biography tells of her love affair with Mickey Mantle. They would meet at his St. Regis Hotel suite. Alex Rodriguez just learned that real New York Yankee stars don’t go to strip joints, they have Doris Day brought to their room. (Argus Hamilton)

Rob Lowe’s former Nanny is suing him for sexual harassment. She claims he over-worked her. I think that’s what she meant when she said he wanted a lot of Rob Lowe jobs. (Alex Kaseberg)

In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story and said, “Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in the mood for Chinese.” (Conan O’Brien)

Claiming violation of copyright, Yoko Ono has filed suit against Ben Stein for using the Beatles hit “Imagine” in his anti-evolution documentary. One of the better ways to win Ben Stein’s money sue his ass. (Bob Mills)

Edward Laurens, the father of the chaos theory, died today. His services will be held someplace completely random. (Craig Ferguson)

Former “View” luminary Starr Jones has notified hubby Al Reynolds that he’s history. Could this be the 145 pounds she recently vowed to lose? (Bob Mills)

AWARDS

Oklahoma City, OK — The state legislature has approved a plan to find an official rock ‘n’ roll song and is accepting suggestions from the public. The winning entry will be announced during next summer?s dedication of the full sized bronze statue of Keith Richards in the foyer of the State House. (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

Under new rules, officials at the University of Virginia may notify parents if they observe students demonstrating unusual or irrational behavior such as excessive drinking, disrupting classes or attempting to join the Young Republicans. (Bob Mills)

McMinneville, OR — The faculty at Linfield College has unanimously voted to ban all weapons from campus including guns, swords, hatchets, axes, throwing stars, nutchucks, and long knives. Several ROTC cadets were recently spotted training for Iraq with Super Soakers. (Bob Mills)

RELIGION

Everyone’s still talking about the Pope’s visit to Yankee Stadium. Last night, the Yankees retired Roman numeral XVI. (David Letterman)

Yesterday of course was Pope Benedict’s birthday. Happy birthday to him. They had a little party for him at the White House. As you know the Pope does not drink; he does not do drugs; and he has taken a vow of celibacy. So, it’s pretty safe to say no congressmen showed up for that party. (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles, CA — The Catholic Archdiocese has put up five high schools as collateral for a $50 million loan from an Irish bank to help pay off the $600 sex abuse settlement. One of them is Mahoney’s favorite, Our Lady of Protected Pedophile Priests High. (Bob Mills)

The Pope was scheduled to leave the U. S. today, but his American Airlines flight got cancelled. There was an awkward moment when the airline tried to charge the Pope an extra baggage fee for his big hat. (Alex Kaseberg)

BUSINESS & LABOR

The Transportation Department ordered airlines to pay passengers who get bumped from flights a penalty payment. The government ordered airlines to pay passengers eight hundred dollars for each bump. The Washington D.C. madam is going to jail for less. (Argus Hamilton)

Delta is merging with Northwest. You know who should merge? American Airlines and Jet Blue, that way when American cancels all of its flights it won’t matter because the Jet Blue planes are stuck on the runway anyway. (Alex Kaseberg)

The world’s biggest cruise liner will have a New York Style Central Park on board for passengers to walk around. To keep New York passengers from getting homesick, it will be littered with hypodermic needles and authentic park flashers and panhandlers. (Jim Barach)

Fearing a potential worldwide shortage of rice, Sam’s Club will limit sales of jasmine, basmati and long grain rice. Wedding planners nationwide are advising clients to substitute sunflower seeds. (Bob Mills)

Because of supply concerns, Sam’s Club is now limiting rice sales at its stores to 4 bags per customer. They are making it up for it, however, by increasing the limit on sales of Cheetos to 15 tons per visit. (Jake Novak )

Ford Motor Co. shocked investors by posting an actual profit in the first quarter of this year. It turns out Ford cars are being used as the best place to stockpile really valuable stuff like rice and water. (Jake Novak )

Topsham, MA — Ten officials from Local 56 of the Machinists Union were suspended from Bath Iron Works after pornography was found on their computers. In their defense, the porn was business-related, depicting sex acts with various items of the firm’s machinery including lathes, grinders and drill presses. (Bob Mills)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

3 responses to “WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-26-08

  1. I have a question on scar tissue formation after cataract surgery. I’ve written about it in detail on my blog. I’d like to know your thoughts on this..

  2. Btw, I notice that you dont have any quotes from Jon Stewart. Which makes sense, he is just not that funny anymore…I personally like Jay Leno much more than Stewart or Colbert.

  3. “President Bush and the pope prayed together during the Pontiff’s meeting at the White House. The pope prayed for world peace, while President Bush asked for a pony.”

    Are you sure that was a joke? Seems to close for comfort!

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